History of the World: Part II (2023) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Mesoamerica.
Look, guys, listen, listen, listen.
I know the Sun God is waging an
eternal battle against darkness
and in order for the
Sun to come up every day,
we have to sacrifice a virgin.
I get it, we've all been there.
But I'm not a virgin.
Why are you laughing?
I'm being serious!
I've had so much sex.
This is actually the first
time I haven't had sex all day.
I'm usually having sex all the time.
I'm one of the most disgusting
people you'll ever meet.
I pork, I smash, I crush,
I slurp, I pancake, I waffle, I brunch.
Wow.
You know, if I'm a virgin,
then why do I know so much about butts?
I'm honestly looking out for you guys
'cause if you sacrifice
the wrong person,
guess who's ass is on the line?
You know what, fine, if
you guys don't believe me,
sacrifice me, see what happens.
Did you guys see that?
Holy shit!
The Gods know, the Gods know I fuck.
History of the world, Part Two.
Previously on The Russian Revolution.
What are we gonna do about Lenin?
I serve sandwiches to Vladimir Lenin,
and all of his comrades every day,
where they remain completely unguarded.
Bagel and schmear for Vladimir!
I think we have our in.
Uh, Comrade Lenin, sorry to bug,
can I get a backstage pass
for one of your speeches
for my good friend, Commissioner?
He lives in Georgia and if
- Shh.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
Okay, who's next now?
Oh, Comrade Trotsky,
you had presentation.
Yes, thank you, Comrade Lenin.
So I have built the Red Army as we know,
and I thought it could
be kind of interesting
if our soldiers march like this.
Music.
That's the wrong song, hold on.
Play track two.
Trotsky movie idea,
two close friends crash weddings
- and make love to beautiful women.
- That's
That's a voice memo,
please skip to the next one.
That's the one, that's
the one, that's the one.
Start to feel it. Are we feelin' it?
Here it is, right here.
And one, two, three.
And a kick.
And a kick.
And a kick.
Then we back it up,
and then we back it up.
And a hip twist, woo!
Yes, I, uh
What are we thinking?
Are we liking? Is it
- Well, I love the kick.
- Kick, kick, good.
But the backing up, I don't like.
But the backing up shows
that we go both directions.
- I don't know, it's weird.
- It's like retreating.
- No, no, no.
- I don't like it.
If it was retreat, I
would do a kick and then
I fucking run away like that.
It's not, it's letting
them know we're here.
We're here, we're not going anywhere.
I also don't like that
you're saying things
as you're doing them.
It's a little bougie.
Very convenient now.
His idea to back up.
I had nothing to do with this.
Yeah, I don't like it.
Yeah, it's bad.
Why don't you go fuck
yourself, motherfucker?
- Huh? I'm sorry.
- Say it again, say it to my face.
- I'm right here now!
- Nothing.
I'm
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
What the fuck?
I kill you someday.
Enough!
I think we are all a
little hangry, hmm, yeah?
Where is the Schmuck, huh?
Uh-oh, my ears are itching.
Did somebody say my name?
Oh hello, boys, I brought
you some lovely treats.
Tell me you brought
black and white cookies.
Notski for Trotsky.
Due to an icing error of my own making,
I do not have black and white cookies,
but only gray cookies
today, gray cookies.
But I do have a special treat
for my dear Comrade Lenin.
A bullet in your kishke!
Fanny, what are you doing?
I'm here to kill this
man who's ruining the soul
of the revolution!
That wasn't me, that was Stalin.
Stalin?
Yes, it was me.
Fellas, I swear on Marx,
I had no idea she was gonna do this!
Fanny, as your husband,
I demand, nay humbly ask
that you don't shoot
the leader of our country
and also my best customer!
And furthermore, you're
standing in my coleslaw.
Schmuck, you are such a coward.
Move outta the way or I will
shoot him right through you!
You wouldn't dare!
My kishke!
Oh!
Okay, so she dared.
- Oh no!
- She double dared!
I have to three.
Triple threat. That's why I married her.
The revolution has been saved
from demagoguery.
Nothing can go wrong
in Russia now, let's go.
- Okay.
- Now we're going.
Fellas, I'm so sorry,
I didn't know she was gonna do this.
Also, gratuity is not
included, but encouraged.
Thank you so much!
Gonna leave that right there.
Ooh, I got 'em good.
Also, a five star on Putz Mates
would be really helpful, thank you!
Don't worry, I know CCCPR!
I think I'm going to be fine.
No, no, no, no, no, CCCPR.
Help! You are doing it wrong!
Uh-oh, we're losing him!
I gotta do mouth to mouth!
I'd rather die.
You're so noisy when you breathe.
And now, The Story of
Jesus and Mary Magdalene.
All right sweetheart,
let's grab up the decorations
and get back downstairs.
Are they in this box, grandma?
Oh no, that's just some of my old stuff.
You went to New York City?
Oh yeah, I used to
live above a coffee shop
where Rachel, Ross, and a whole bunch
of other White friends would
drink coffee from soup bowls.
What's this?
That's something I used to write in
a long time ago.
Is it an old iPad?
Are you serious?
It's a notebook.
You wanna hear how I got it?
- Not really.
- Too bad, too bad, sit down.
You're gonna listen.
So, it all started at a fair.
Step right up, step right up,
and I will guess your age!
I'm gonna say you're 25.
That's right, this was 25 back then!
Eggs, eggs for sale!
Hey, beat the heat with a
nice room temperature egg.
No, chill about the eggs.
I just want matzah on a stick.
Listen Mary, we came to
the carnival to make money,
- not to have fun.
- Can't we just take one day off?
The Magdalene sisters
do not take days off,
the Magdalene sisters sell eggs.
Eggs, nice, white, oval, plain
eggs for sale, solid stuff.
I told you several times,
nobody want them white-ass chicken eggs!
You think that if I didn't have
like a colorful batch of eggs
that I wouldn't sell them, huh, Luke?
You need some kind of magical creature
that lays colorful eggs to
catch people's attention.
Listen to me, listen
to me, I don't have time
for your pitches today.
Hey, you need my boy, Jesus. Jesus!
Excuse me, miss.
You look like you need saving.
I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm Jesus of Nazareth.
Some call me Jesus Christ, Son of God.
- Ooh!
- Some call him broke and corny.
- Hey, watch it now.
- Oh yeah, I've heard of you before.
You're a carpenter, right?
I am, and I perform miracles.
What, like finishing a project on time
and being under budget?
What? No. I mean the supply chain.
- The cost of lumber, inflation.
- Oh!
- Girl, what are you talking about?
- Okay. Bye.
Yo. Wait, wait, wait. No, ay,
ay, I mean perform real miracles.
If you can dunk me,
I'll leave you alone.
Mary, Mary!
- You ready?
- I'm ready.
- Come on, dunk me.
- Go, J.C.!
Ew.
Oh!
I call this walking on water.
Jesus Christ!
- And you owe me a date.
- Okay.
Jesus knew his time was short,
so he put the moves on right away.
I'm 25.
Ugh, Grandma,
this is getting romantic.
That's because it's a parody
of a romantic movie.
Sorry it's not that zombie, vampire,
whatever shit you watch.
Camel or a notebook, hmm?
Notebook.
I feel like you've been
walking with me my whole life.
Ah, I mean, I'm always walking with you,
- even when I'm not here.
- Honestly, I don't even know
if I would want you
following me around everywhere
'cause some stuff is private.
- Jesus?
- I'm here.
Oh my God!
Check out the footprints.
Cool, right?
Is that you?
Oh my God, your feet are huge.
- Oh, oh!
- Oh, come on!
Ah, I stepped in camel shit!
Oh, it's all in the grooves.
Can you believe that?
Do you have a stick, or a
coffee stirrer, or something?
Maybe, I don't know, you
could rinse it off or?
You wanna see something cool?
Close your eyes
- and get ready.
- Okay.
Oh my God.
Make it snow now!
Naw, we're still in the
desert, I can't do that.
Oh, okay, this is a true miracle!
Are you ready to be saved?
I am, I wanna be saved.
Yes, Jesus Christ is my boyfriend!
Jesus and Mary were in love,
but much like your grandfather
in bed, it didn't last long.
- Grandma!
- Oh, don't be such a prude!
I'll tell you how it ended
after some unrelated sketches.
Hi, my name is Rasputin,
and this is getting my dick cut off.
Oh, yeah, right in the kuskus!
Oh, oh, oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Oh-ho-ho, oh, ow, my baby, my baby!
Take your finger off your tuches
and put it under Lance's nose.
Get him, get him!
Oh!
Oh, man.
The Pyramids.
Ahmed, look, a basket.
Sonora, we don't have extra gold.
Did I hear someone say extra gold?
- Yes.
- True or true, you'd like some more gold?
True and true.
- How did he know that?
- I don't know.
- Hi, I'm Glorp.
- Glorp?
Did you know that building pyramids
is the fastest growing
industry in Egypt?
All the best pharaohs are buried in them
with their cats and their slaves.
But they're for rich people.
That's right, don't
you think you deserve
to get in on that action?
Well, yeah, but I mean
Well, it just so happens
that I can get you in
on the ground floor,
and when it comes to building
pyramids, that's limestone.
Laugh out laugh.
Yeah, it sounds a little
too good to be true.
There's gotta be a catch, right?
I appreciate your skepticism
and I love all your questions.
This is how it works.
You get two friends to build a pyramid.
Okay, I know two friends.
And then, you sell them the materials.
Uh-huh, okay.
Then, they get two
friends to build pyramids,
and so on, and so on.
Okay, sounds like a pyramid scheme.
It's not a pyramid scheme,
it's a pyramid opportunity.
That's the beauty of AfterALife.
This sounds just like that
herbal supplement thing
that you got really into
and you went to that scary dark place.
Don't embarrass me in front of Glorp.
I'll even give you a new cart
to transport your materials.
Okay, but when do we
start seeing a return?
Oh, we've got a thinker here.
I can see who wears the
skirt in this relationship.
You can begin whenever you want.
With the pyramid project,
you are your own pharaoh.
Hello, jerk, hey, you,
I want my gold back!
Oh hi, Zakhor.
Another satisfied customer.
Did you guys know that you
gotta build six pyramids
to get that pink cart?
I don't think we were
there in the scam yet.
I can explain. If you factor in,
requesting immediate teleportation,
please, to Machu Picchu.
Machu Picchu, please.
- Who are you talking to?
- Customer service, hold on.
- What?
- Mexico City,
Machu Picchu, anywhere will do.
I'm gonna kick your fuckin' ass.
Quickly, quickly.
Where'd he go?
Ugh, looks like it's about to rain.
Ah, it's just a drizzle.
And now the conclusion
of Jesus and Mary.
Mary's heart belonged to Jesus,
and she wrote about it in her notebook
just like in the 2004 film.
Mary, Mary!
Jesus?
Mary!
Jesus, I was thinking about you all day.
What's wrong?
Do you have to use the bathroom?
I mean, ours is clogged.
It wasn't me.
Uh, I, uh
I, I came to say goodbye.
Oh, that's how it is.
So you baptize a girl, find
out she takes huge dumps,
and then you just dip out?
No, it's not you.
I don't know, my dad
is back on his bullshit.
I can't believe I'm
never gonna see you again.
You know, actually, I think
I'm back in like three days?
- Really?
- Yeah, it's like a long weekend.
Guys, we did it, we did it!
Oh my God, we got a chicken
to fuck a bunny rabbit!
Yeah, yeah, and the rabbit
laid these colorful eggs.
- It's fucked up.
- Oh, and the good thing is
those eggs are chocolate.
- Yeah.
- And when those eggs hatch,
the chicks are marshmallows!
Marshmallows, it's fucked
up, but it's delicious.
It's fucked up!
Now we just need like
some kind of holiday
where people wanna buy
this kind of weird shit.
How about this Sunday?
I couldn't think of a better
way for you to honor me.
Do this in memory of me.
Okay.
Bye, Jesus.
Goodbye, Mary, my little lamb.
Spread my message to your flock,
my message of love and
Honk, oh, if the Romans
come, I was never here.
I got a holiday.
We get some graham crackers
and call that shit Smores Day!
Just call it Easter, guys.
Oh, thank you for finally helping!
Yes, come on.
Hey, you two getting frisky again?
So, this story is
about the Easter bunny?
No, that's just a B-story!
Where's my phone?
No attention span TikTok-ass.
It was us.
I am losing my damn mind.
Meanwhile, back in Moscow.
Schmuck, move faster!
Oh please, Fanny, I got a
terrible review on Putz Mates.
I'm gonna have to
work for Schlubhub now!
Eh, I can't believe you shot Lenin!
He was my best customer!
I shot him three times
and didn't even kill him, the cockroach.
What is he, Rasputin?
What is happening to this family?
How could it get any worse?
Mom, Dad,
I want you to meet
Princess Anastasia Romanov.
The sole surviving heir
to the Russian throne?
Get her outta here, Joshy!
And she's my fiancée.
My baby's getting married!
Since your whole family is dead,
how many people do I get
to invite to the wedding?
- Think about it.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
when did you get engaged?
During the commercial break.
What, but what about the
people with Hulu Plus?
They're living in a
commercial-free world.
They're completely in
the dark, as are we!
They chose their own ad experience.
They're capitalist sheep.
Aw, I love sheep.
Oh, I always assumed I'd
have Jewish grandchildren,
but we'd have dysplasia
and bipolar disorder!
Schmuck, stop moaning, we
need to think of a plan!
You're gonna shoot me!
- You're gonna shoot me!
- I'm not gonna shoot you!
You're gonna jump on me!
You're gonna jump on me!
Don't jump on me!
I'm hysterical, I'm hysterical!
I'm in pain!
I'm in pain and I'm still hysterical!
Schmuck, Schmuck,
we've been through this.
Come on, breathe, you know what to do.
Yes.
Anyway, these are my parents.
All right, we need to get outta here.
We need to f-f-flee to America!
Yeah, how the hell are we
gonna do that with no money?
Oh, is this money?
She's paying for the wedding.
- Okay, all right.
- That's money.
Last train out of
- Mother Russia boarding now.
- I hope there's extra leg room on this train.
My ticket is economy minus.
This isn't gonna work. We're
never gonna get outta Moscow.
We just need to get on that train
and nobody's gonna mess with a golem.
- What's a golem?
- We're a golem.
- Joshy, I'm not so sure about this shiksa.
- She's really cool, ma.
She was teaching me all about
something called a Christmas tree.
Jesus.
Why am I on the bottom?
Because my spine is cursed.
What's up? I'm talking to you guys.
I'm not talking to the
people inside of my coat.
What's going on out there?
What's happening?
We're coming up on some
soldiers, so be cool.
Thank you gentlemen,
thank you for your service.
I would've served myself,
but I had shin splints,
so thank you, though.
To Russia with love!
You know who has four feet and
loves train rides, this guy, a golem.
- Oh, hello?
- Shush, Schmuck!
Ooh, got a demon in my stomach, hello!
Calm down, don't give us away.
Okay, we're just 20
yards from the train car.
What is that?
- Crimea River,
- FANNY: Oh, no.
Okay, that's funny.
- What is it?
- What is that smell?
- Calm down, shh!
- It smells like a rat died or something.
Oh honey, I get a little sour stomach
whenever I'm fleeing a country.
It happens, sorry.
I'm gonna go blind.
I gonna go blind, I'm panicking.
What are you complaining about?
It's the stuntman doing all the work!
I'm freaking out, I can't be
in here right now you guys.
I'm being serious.
- Get it together.
- Just an everyday golem
boarding a train, nothing to see!
Okay, there's the car,
we're almost there.
I'm panicking, I can't be in here!
- Schmuck.
- Oh my God.
Oh God!
Oh, oh, oh!
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Last train out
of Mother Russia, leaving now.
Stop, stop, that train!
Fanny, come on, what are you
doing? The train's about to leave!
I'm gonna stay here and
fight for the revolution!
What, but what about our son?
Josh is so clearly not your son.
- Uh-huh.
- Look at him, he's beautiful!
But I'm telling you this
- because I need you to know.
- Uh-huh.
I never loved you.
Fanny, what are you saying?
- Oy, vey.
- Huh?
All aboard!
Goodbye, Schmuck.
Goodbye forever, my sour pickle!
I'm flying in for the wedding!
Great, we'll sit next to each
other and share an entree!
I'm bringing a date, I
don't wanna talk about it!
Oh, Fanny, it's water under the bridge!
Tell Josh right away!
I'll tell him when we get to America,
which might not be for a while
because I don't think
this train is moving!
No, tell him right
away! Rip the band-aid!
Oh, I'll tell him someday, Fanny.
Someday maybe tomorrow ♪
And so, this story has come
to its natural conclusion.