Hot In Cleveland s01e04 Episode Script

Ice.
I need ice.
I realize it's happy hour somewhere, but isn't it a bit early even for you? This happens to be an emergency.
I pulled a muscle fastening my bra.
What's goin' on? Victoria's having a senior moment.
Oh, I have those all the time.
I can be walking along happy as a clam, and suddenly I get this overwhelming urge to hit some young person with a stick.
Hey, guys, look at this! Another sign I'm meant to be in Cleveland.
The rock and roll hall of fame is having a huge party.
All these rock stars are donating their guitars, - and Hailey Nash is one of them.
- Oh, lord, Hailey Nash? All those dreadful female empowerment songs? Her music takes me back to a time when music sucked.
Well, I love Hailey's songs.
It reminds me of prom night.
They played Hailey Nash at your prom? No, in my room.
Nobody asked me to the prom.
Course, that was during my corrective shoe years.
Was that before or after your headgear years? There was some overlap.
But Hailey got me through it.
Oh! Tonight, I am going to do two things from my book.
I'm gonna crash a party and meet my idol.
And I am coming with you.
What? Why? Weren't we just mocking her? I'm confused.
That bastard Johnny revere is gonna be there.
You know Johnny revere? Every inch of him.
One night, he pulled me from the audience to dance on stage and gave me a backstage pass to the best six months of my life.
So why is he a bastard? Because halfway through the tour, he left me stranded on a corner in Winslow, Arizona.
Wait, isn't that an eagles song? Never tell don Henley anything in confidence when you're doing shots.
Why did you never tell us? Because it was just too humiliating.
Oh, is he the one who gave you the-- no, no, no, that was Warren Beatty.
Anyway, now that I'm famous and Johnny is a museum piece, it is going to be such a pleasure to finally be able to throw a drink right in his face.
Ooh, that sounds very satisfying.
I've never thrown a drink at a man.
I mean, I've slapped a couple of faces, egged a few cars, set the odd house on fire.
But a drink in the face? That's gonna be fun.
I don't see Johnny anywhere.
Just a sea of '70s hair And '90s hairpieces.
Some of these rockers look remarkably well-preserved.
Forget Botox.
I'm going straight to heroin.
I can't believe that after all these years, I am finally going to throw a drink in Johnny's face.
- What can I get you ladies? - Uh, scotch With enough rocks to leave bruises.
Oh, my gosh.
I just motor-boated Hailey Nash's breasts.
Go on.
No, it was an insane accident.
I--I was turning a corner, and I tripped, and I fell face-first into her cleavage, and then my earring got caught, and I was wrestling free.
What did you say to her? "Soft.
" What? Well, I was thinking "sorry," but I was also thinking "soft," and the wrong one came out.
Any of you over-age groupies seen Willie Nelson? Elka, what are you doing here? Well, whenever Willie's in town, I always bake him brownies.
I knew it.
Wait.
These are just brownies.
Of course they are.
What are you smoking? - Young man.
- Yes? Well, you're a lot to take in, aren't you? Oh, uh, have you seen the redheaded stranger anywhere? Come on, shawty, let's check in the V.
I.
P.
section.
Oh, will jay-z be there? There are a lot of layers to that little onion.
Oh, there's Johnny.
Oh, my God, he spotted me.
He's coming over.
Okay, this is it.
- Um, where's my ammunition? - Here.
Right, keep your elbow low, follow through with your swing.
Remember, this is for every woman who ever got dumped by a heartless bastard.
- Victoria! - Johnny.
Wow! You look frickin' amazing.
Oh, why, thank you.
Seriously, you look even sexier in person than you did on your show.
You watched edge of tomorrow? Sure.
I was always bragging to the roadies how I used to drill you like the Gulf of Mexico.
You still don't follow the news, do you? Excuse me.
Mr.
revere, they need you in the press room.
The price of fame.
I know it well.
You know, it's too bad you're with your friends, or you could come by the hotel later.
Oh, they're not my friends.
St.
Regent, top floor.
Well, that was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, and I used to wax Roseanne.
Well, I couldn't help it.
Watchin' that bad-boy swagger sent chills down my spine I haven't felt in years.
He didn't even apologize! I know.
How hot was that? Still here, huh? You know, with all these pretty young girls around, you last-call connies don't stand a chance.
It may interest you to know that tonight Johnny revere and I are going to have the kind of smoking hot sex that children only read about in story books.
Come on, he's callous and misogynous, and I don't even think he showered today.
That's okay, I'll just lick him clean.
Victoria! This is a mistake! Don't be a holla back girl.
Am I using that right? 'Cause it felt right.
Oh, let it go, Mel.
There's no girlfriend block for bad-boy sex.
You're right.
Its power is too strong.
That guilty thrill you get just being with him.
That desperate desire you have to change him.
And that delicious little tickle that comes from knowing you never could.
What? You think there weren't bad boys in Poland in the '30s? You know, before I met Johnny, I didn't know the meaning of depravity or hotel blacklisting.
There was this one time on a credenza.
Oh, my God.
I mean, no surface was safe.
Oh, we did it on coffee tables, club chairs, and this one really memorable Thanksgiving, in a bathtub full of sweet potatoes and gravy.
Okay, before we get to what you did with the turkey legs, think.
If you sleep with him, he'll just dump you again, and then he'll be the one that got away again.
Who cares? He's not the man that got away.
He's the sex that got away, and tonight I am getting it back.
Well, just make sure none of those old feelings come back with it.
Oh, please, I am not that nubile little ninny who used to prance around naked on his balcony-- oh, my God! He hasn't seen me naked since I was in my 20s! Ooh, forget diamonds.
After 40, covers are a girl's best friend.
Word to the wise.
A smart jockey always sits straight up on the horse.
- See, you're the jockey, and he's - Yes, yes, we understand.
It's so your boobs don't flop to the side and get lost in your back fat.
Are you as turned on as I am? God, this is a disaster.
I'm not even dressed for sex.
Trade underwear with me.
Why do you automatically ask joy and not me? Because cotton is the fabric of your life, darling, not mine.
- Cotton breathes.
- All right.
I am not swapping knickers with you.
Okay, okay, but I am definitely gonna need an emergency wax.
Well, your eyebrows look fine.
It's not my eyebrows I'm worried about.
Do you think I carry a portable waxing kit? Joy, please.
Okay, fine.
I'll MacGyver it.
Oh, my God, are you guys crazy? Do you know how much that's gonna hurt? But it's worth it, because tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1979.
You want a ride home? Willie loaned me the limo.
Oh, thanks, but no, no.
I have to stick around.
I have to find Hailey Nash and apologize to her for sticking my face in her boobs.
Hey, I don't suppose Willie knows her.
By now, Willie doesn't know his own name.
- Hey, you.
- Hey, sexy, come on in.
You okay? No, I'm fine.
You know, there were a lot of hot women at that party tonight, but none of them could hold a candle to you.
That's what you think.
Sure I can't get you something stronger? No, no, no, I have to keep my wits about me.
I accidentally groped Hailey Nash, so I need to apologize to her.
Well, here's your chance.
She's right behind you.
You again? I'm sorry! Oh, Ms.
Nash, I'm so sorry! Oh! It's just seltzer, so it won't stain.
So there's really no reason for me to be doing This.
What is it with you and my breasts? I'm just a really big fan.
So I gather.
I mean, I'm a fan of you, not your breasts.
But not that I'm not a fan of your breasts.
So, what are you drinking? - What are you pouring.
- Well, nothing for me.
The booze doesn't mesh with the drugs, that never stopped you before.
Yeah, that was my old liver.
You're still a bourbon girl? It'll do for starters.
You know that couch doesn't bite.
Oh, you know, I think I'm more in a credenza kind of mood.
Mercy.
You always did look good on mahogany.
Well, I've always been partial to good solid wood.
I seem to remember that.
I seem to remember been covered in creme fraiche and caviar.
So, what's on the menu tonight? A grilled chicken breast and steam vegetables.
How stoned are you? Stoned? What drugs are you on then? Celebrex and lipator.
- Ah, you're joking, right? - No.
I'm a different guy now.
In fact that's why I invited you up here tonight.
To apologize.
Apologize? Yeah.
I was a selfish bastard when we were together, and I really feel bad about the way I treated you.
Uh-huh.
I see.
So, um, are we good? You have got a lot of nerve, pal! What? All I said was I'm sorry.
Well, no girl wants to hear that! Of course you were a bastard, that's what made you so exciting.
So why are you mad now? I thought you invited me up here for some high-octane sex, not a low-cholesterol snack and some crybaby apology! Whoa, I didn't know.
I'm sorry.
My bad.
Bad? You're practically a boy scout! Whatever happened to that bad boy who used to bounce me around like a jai alai ball? You think I still can't? Oh, please.
Why don't you just help some old lady across the street? God, what a waste of a wax job this turned out to be! Heart-shaped? Well, it was the plan, but it turned out kind of shamrock-y.
Is it magically delicious? Well, this is supposed to be a reunion.
- Then let's make it one.
- Oh, you think you're up to it? You think you can still handle it? - Vegas rules? - No holds barred.
- Safe word "Hendrix.
" - First stop credenza.
What? Am I pinching your nipple too hard? - No, it's my knee.
- Okay.
No, to the right, to the right, to the right.
Oh! Oh! Ow, my lower back.
You too? Ah! Ah! Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! My hair is caught on something! It's my medic-alert bracelet.
All right.
Here quick, - hang on.
- What? Uh, I need to be on top.
Why? Because I'm the jockey, and you're-- oh, just do it! Aah! Wait, stop! I pulled a muscle this morning.
I just wrenched my shoulder, but I think we should play through.
No, no, no! Let go! Let go! Oh, ow, ow, oh! Agony! Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh.
Can't even move my left arm.
Well, um, seeing as how your right arm's still working What? I'm a bad boy.
You're an idiot.
God, this is so not how I remembered it.
Apparently a lot of the things we used to do are pretty painful if you're not wasted.
Yeah, or 20.
I suppose we could just have low-key grown-up sex.
Uh, thanks, but why ruin the memories? We were something together, though, weren't we? Yeah.
At least we'll always have something degrading to look back on.
Aw, maybe it'd be better if we didn't.
I mean, you can't miss what you never had.
I'm still glad we had it.
Me too.
You know, my orthopedist showed me a little trick.
Yeah? Oh! Oh, God, that's good.
Oh.
So what's the deal? I mean, you barely move and you pull a muscle? I know, right? The other day I got a back spasm putting on a sock.
Here we are having a wholesome Sunday morning, and Victoria's probably skulking through some hotel lobby with her knickers stuffed in her purse and her blouse inside out.
Lucky trollop.
Well, she's got less to be ashamed of than I do.
I just hope when Hailey gets my note, she forgives me.
What note? Oh, I paid the bartender to slip her an apology and a Cd to autograph.
So that way if I get it back in the mail, I know she's forgiven me.
And if you get a restraining order, you'll know she hasn't.
Oh, no.
Oh, they're not that bad.
You'd be surprised how much trash talking you can do from 300 feet.
Oh, here comes the lucky trollop now.
Somebody please turn out that hideous light in the sky.
You're looking properly debased and debauched.
Was the insensitive mauling everything you hoped? He was thoughtful and caring and very unselfish in bed.
You poor thing.
Are you okay? I'm more than okay.
You know, we didn't do our whole catalog, but we managed a medley of greatest hits.
And then this morning he ate his egg whites and turkey bacon off the small of my back.
Um, Melanie? Breathe.
I don't see a restraining order.
Ah, you'd think being best friends with a famous celebrity she'd be over this by now, but Your blouse inside out? Excuse me.
I better go and help her.
Yesterday she pulled a bra muscle.
You all live here together? Yeah.
It's like a big slumber party.
I can't believe you're here.
Please, come in and sit down.
Wow, this is crazy.
I mean, I just-- this is like a fantasy come true for me.
Hey, I, um, brought that Cd you wanted me to sign.
Your note was very sweet.
Oh, and I meant every word of it.
You areYou're just amazing, and you're so beautiful.
I mean, I can't even begin to tell you everything that's in my heart, but I hope you know what I mean because I Did not see at comin'.
Yeah, I know.
I I don't usually get involved with my fans, but your passes last night were so clumsy and pathetic It was actually kind of adorable.
This is clearly gonna come as a surprise to you, but I had no idea you were gay.
Seriously? Not that it matters, 'cause I'm like totally down with that.
You know, I mean I'm down with other people being down with that.
But that's nohow I get down.
Wait, I don't get it.
How could you not know? Well, why would I? Well, for starters, that Cd you're holding's called i like girls.
Oh, so your song "love my honey pot" Wait, so the note that you wrote me that said that my music had given you the courage, you know, to let the woman inside you come out Ohh, right.
Yeah.
I can see how that would be misleading.
Yeah, but your friends upstairs, helping each other with their bra-- not gay, either.
Well, you joy that CD.
I'm sorry.
Oh! Bye.
"Love my honey pot"? A clue maybe? Oh, don't feel so bad, Melanie.
I didn't know about Elton John or George Michael.
I thought he wanted my sex.
I didn't even know the village people were gay.
Yeah, they kind of ruined that whole cowboys with short shorts and a mustache look for straight guys.
In my day, nobody knew anything about anyone.
Rock Hudson, tab hunter.
I had a big thing for Liberace.
You thought Liberace was straight? I could have turned him.