Hotel Transylvania: The Series (2017) s01e04 Episode Script

1 [THUNDER BOOMING.]
[MUSIC.]
[SCREAMING.]
DR.
GILLMAN: Humans! The most dangerous creatures on Earth! They mock us! [GROWLING.]
They disembowel us! They eat us! [GASPING.]
Come on, humans don't eat us.
You saw the movie, Mavis.
Movies don't lie.
I'm going to need a volunteer.
How does that always happen? [GRUNTS.]
- Now, young lady - Huh? Suppose you have the terrible, terrible luck of happening upon a human teenager - What do you do? - Well, I guess I'd try Booga-booga-booga! Funny, Hank! [ALL LAUGHING.]
- All right! - Yes, but will booga-booga work against their superhuman strength?! You see? Science! And remember, should you ever encounter a human, beware.
Beware! Bewaaare! [VOICE DISTORTED.]
Beware! Beware! Beware! Got a sound board for my [VOCALIZING.]
# Birthday # [LAUGHING.]
That was scarier than the time I saw Pedro putting scream cheese in his armpits.
[LAUGHING.]
Yeah, that was kinda weird wait, you saw that? Relax.
You can't listen to Dr.
Gillman.
Humans are like ghosts.
They're more afraid of us.
[SCREAMING.]
I dunno.
They did some unspeakable things to that poor pumpkin.
Okay, I'll prove it to you.
And how are you gonna do that? ALL: Oh Seriously, how? [MUSIC.]
I can't watch! [HIGH-PITCHED XYLOPHONE NOISES SOUNDING.]
- Will you stop that? - Sorry.
It's just so awesome.
I-I'm done.
Promise.
[FLATULENCE NOISES.]
Right.
Got it.
[COW LOWING.]
Can't help myself! [KLAXON AND STEAM HORN SOUNDING.]
Whoops! My bad! You can do this.
Nothing to be afraid of.
What's the worst that can happen? [GROWLING.]
Ah! Okay, what's the second worst that can happen? [BREATHING DEEPLY.]
[DOORBELL RINGING.]
WOMAN: Oh good, you're early! We're in a rush! She's a goner.
- Dibs on her stuff.
- Rats [YELLING.]
Donald! The babysitter's here! DONALD: Okay! Ready in a jiff! Babysitter? Wow.
The future is now.
[KNOCKING.]
You're still undead! Unless you're a human in a Mavis costume! - Show yourself, imposter! - Hey.
I'm not only undead, I'm inside! Nobody ever invites vampires inside.
This is so awesome! [WOMAN LAUGHING.]
[DISTANT LAUGHTER.]
They're coming back! Hide! What're you doing? I dunno! I panicked! Why'd you do it? - I was following you! - I just like to jump.
Okay, the baby's already asleep.
Oh, isn't she adorable? [SNORING.]
So, you know, there's really not much to do.
'Cept read our diaries and eat the emergency marshmallow reserves.
[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY.]
Ignore him.
If you're bored, you can always read my best seller.
MAVIS: "Monsters Are Not Your Friends"? You never can be too careful with those creatures across the way.
[MUSIC.]
[GULPING.]
[BEEPING.]
FEMALE VOICE: Security enabled.
And whatever you do do not open the door for anyone! [NERVOUSLY.]
Uh, sure? Have fun! That thing is amazing! My turn, my turn! Wendy, don't! [WHIRRING.]
[BEEPING.]
[CLANGING.]
[CHIRPING.]
[HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING.]
[THUD.]
I think he took that pretty well.
So, we're alone in a human house.
And now what? You heard the lady.
Time for some babysitting! [SNORING.]
[MUSIC.]
I have a better idea.
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro! [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
All alone in a human house Ain't no monster that's as quiet as a mouse! All alone in a human house Hey, check it out, Hank found a blouse! [HOWLING.]
Hu-man house! Hu-man house! We're all alone in a hu-man house! Hu-man house! Hu-man house! We're all alone in a hu-man house! [BARKING AND HOWLING.]
[INSTRUMENTAL PART.]
HANK: Fire, fire, fire! Make it stop! [TOILET FLUSHING.]
You guys, they've got a Wendy-sized swimming pool in there! [BUBBLING.]
And sushi! I would just like to point out how much fun we had and how not scary humans are.
Just like I said.
Trust me.
There is absolutely, positively, nothing to be scared of.
[LOUD BANGING.]
[ALL GASP.]
R-Really set myself up for that.
Ugh! Paranoid Mrs.
Cartwright, um, lock me out? Like I want your kid wiping boogers on me anyway.
[DIALING.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
Hello? Uh, yeah it's Zoe.
Your crazy security is on again.
I can't get inside.
But, I already let you in.
Duh, no.
There's some interloper trying to steal my job.
I'm throwin' serious shade her way, but it's not working.
- Other baby sitter? - Yeah, and also ugh, monsters.
[STAMMERING.]
M-M-M-Monsters? [YELLING.]
My baby! "Tuna tartare.
" I wonder if I can get the tartar on the side.
FEMALE VOICE: Maximum security initiated.
Ah! What's happening? [RUMBLING.]
[WHIRRING.]
[BABY COOING.]
- The nose picker! - Ma-ma [GASPING.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
Sorry, but the moment was just begging for it.
Who's the little gargoyle? And can you believe it? Like, not even a ride home! [SCREAMING.]
- Nice driving, lady! - Mommy's comin'! There you go.
Wa-wa.
See? Nothing to be afraid of.
[CRASHING.]
You really gotta know when to quit.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
You monsters don't know who you're dealing with! [SCREAMING.]
Sorry, sorry! Please, don't eat us! [GROWLING.]
I can't believe how wrong I was.
Humans aren't just scary.
They're terrifying! Uh, how long before they turn us into cookies and eat us? Mavis, I don't wanna be eaten by a buncha cookie makers! - What do we do? - We fight back, that's what.
- That's an umbrella.
- I know.
Okay, okay, let's see what this wolf-puppy can do.
[BEEPING.]
Siren? [ALARM SOUNDING.]
[SCREAMING.]
Ooh, try water cannon.
Paint balls! [YELPING.]
[SOBBING.]
[MUSIC.]
"Ejector?" Whaddya think that does? [SCREAMING.]
[DISTANT CRASH.]
[THUDDING.]
It's on the roof! [STRAINING.]
Oh! Mavis, it's in the chimney! [STRAINING.]
Where's the chimney ejector button? Ah-ha! [SNIFFING.]
[RUMBLING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[SCREAMING ANGRILY.]
[MONSTERS SCREAMING.]
PEDRO: Somebody help us! Where's my baby?! Open the door! We gotta get out of here! [POWERING DOWN.]
- Yes! Nice work, Hank! - Uh, yeah, thanks.
[ANGRY SCREAMING.]
[SIREN SOUNDING.]
OFFICER: Freeze, Monster! Nooo! [GIGGLING.]
Shh [GIGGLING.]
I am not a monster! We'll take it from here, young lady.
Good job.
Just, um, another human doing human things - like, ah, any ol' human would.
- Hmph.
See? What'd I tell you guys.
"Humans are nothing to be afraid of.
" [YELLING.]
Donald! [SOBBING.]
So what're you having, hon? Kitty? Kitty bird? [MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING.]
What? We go where the gigs are, man.
[MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING.]
[CLAPPING.]
[MUSIC.]
Time for some Phlegm Ball.
[NECK CRACKING.]
[GROWLING.]
Neck cracking sound! [GROWLING.]
[BOTH GROWLING.]
[NOISE MAKER SOUNDING.]
[WHISTLE BLOWING.]
Yay! [SCREAMING.]
- All right! - Fight the good fight, Mavis! Phlegm ball! That's the name of the game Bigfoot horks a loogie and the ball's in play Chase it hustle after that gob It's slimy, it's drippy, booger as big as a dog Spook it you gotta scare that sucka straight Pick up, drag it back, slam it in it's home Time to show them monsters that they just got owned! Yes! [GROWLING.]
Yeah, I'm just gonna say it Phlegm Ball is weird.
Ugh.
Vampires are super gross, dude.
Yeah.
Who's the undisputed Phlegm Ball champ? - Yay! - This vampire! Bravo Mavis, you truly are champion Not! [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, you're over there.
Turn around, turn around! - Klaus.
- Come now, why so glum? You should be overcome with joy to see your favorite cousin Klaus - straight from the 12th century! - Hi, Klaus! It's "Klaush!" [MUSIC.]
- Whatever, dude.
- Anyhoo, I heard someone was getting a little too big for her britches and needed to be taught a lesson.
[SNAPPING.]
Ball! [MUSIC.]
Ha, as if you can beat me! I'm undefeated! Yes, well it is rather easy to win when every monster loses on purpose to Dracula's daughter.
[GULPING.]
Come on, no one is letting me win! Right? Whaa? You guys too? - It's just easier to let you win.
- You're way too competitive.
- I am not! - Oh, yes you are! And even if by some impossible chance it's true, whatevs! I can still totally beat you.
Oh, goody, so you'll put up the golden fangs then? You want my Dad's lucky fangs? They're a family heirloom! With like ten generations of spit on them.
- No way! - Perhaps you are too chicken? [CLUCKING.]
But if you give up, I suppose I may have to start my victory dance a little early.
[MAKING BEAT NOISES.]
Booty shaking, booty shaking [MAKING BEAT NOISES.]
Booty in your face! Ah! Ugh! Stop! We'll play for the fangs.
I never want to see that again.
And speaking of never seeing again, if I win, you stay put in the 12th century for good.
Ugh.
Fine.
Deal.
[LAUGHING.]
Whoa! Silverfish, behave! [CLEARING THROAT.]
Now, perhaps you would like to meet my teammate Number Two.
[ROARING.]
[SNICKERING.]
- "Number Two?" - Yes.
Obviously, I am number one and so, naturally, this is number two.
I can't ask for a better Number Two.
My number two is solid.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
And good luck beating me with this one.
She has zero killer instinct.
[GASPS.]
I have no killer instinct? - Then what do you call this? - A ukulele.
Oh, thank you, I have been wondering for a while.
[UKULELE PLAYING.]
[KLAUS LAUGHING.]
Y'know Wendy, what our team really needs is a great cheerleader.
- Uh, someone to push us to victory! - Oh, I see.
If I didn't know better, I would think that you're trying to show me how much you respect me by handing over such an important job! - Do I get pom poms? - Of course.
Yes! Whoo! Whoopee! See you at game time, Big Shot! It doesn't matter what you do, Mavis, Count Dracula's fangs will be mine! Me and my Number Two are going to wipe the floor with you.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
What? What? What's so funny? Come on, tell me, I love jokes! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
[GROANING.]
Now I just need a teammate.
Okay, let's see what you've got! [ALL GROANING.]
[SPLASHING.]
I'm running out of options! [SIGHING.]
How am I supposed to beat Klaus now? It's "Klaush.
" Aw, yeah! [MUSIC.]
Relax, Mavis, we're ready to save your team and become famous! HANK: One day, they'll make a movie about the brave, plucky underdogs who have no chance, but somehow win! Well, even though you're probably not very good - PEDRO: Hey! - So true.
I need a teammate.
Okay, Hank, you're in.
- Sorry, Pedro.
- Yay! - Booyah! - Oh, you don't need me? You're so gonna regret this! That movie's gonna bomb! Ow! Ouch! Ow! [MUFFLED GRUNTING.]
I always knew you'd recognize I was the superior choice.
Sure.
Also, I figured you'd be easier to boss around.
- Hey, w-wait a second - Shush, shush, shush.
I've got a plan to win, but you need to do exactly what I say! Oh.
Whatever you want, boss! Welcome to the Golden Fang Phlegm Ball Championship! Go Mavis, go Mavis, go Mavis! [GROWLING.]
[MUSIC.]
[GRUNTING.]
Things look pretty tense down there! Skip, give us your thoughts.
Exactly! [WHISTLE BLOWING.]
[GROWLS.]
[MUSIC.]
After her! Yay! [ROARING.]
[CLUCKING.]
Hurry! - Gotcha! - You got this, Mavis.
[LAUGHING.]
Stop it! Ugh! Let me go! Ah! - Hey.
- Go Hank! Yes! I'm doing it! This is the greatest feeling! [SCREAMING.]
Boom goes the body parts! That's gonna leave a mark! [GROWLING.]
That's right, Skip, it's the Crypt-O-Cola Bone Crunch of the Night! Crypt-O-Cola, now with more embalming fluid! I can't go on.
It'll take forever to put me back together.
Hey! Gotcha! [GASPING, SCREAMING.]
After it, you beast! Ugh! I need a new teammate, like now! Ba-kow! I knew you'd come crawling back bay-bay! I was clearly the better choice.
But this is going to make my role in the movie even more epic! Okay, then let's get that phlegm! Ow! I should have stretched! I'm out! Tell my story! Oh, boy, things don't look so good for Mavis! Or you, Skip.
Yeesh.
Ugh, I'll never win, now! What am I gonna do? [GROANING.]
The blob, Mavis.
Use the blob! Go, Mavis! I believe in you! - You make good choices! - Hey! Trust me! WENDY: Go team! Yay! - Trust Right.
- Let's get phlegmy! Whoo! Whoo! Sorry for tricking you off the team, Wendy.
You're the best teammate I ever had - Hey! - Harsh, but fair.
It's not the same without you.
I need you.
Well, I don't know, Mavis.
Like you said, you tricked me off the team.
Okay! I made a mistake.
Please! I'll give you my bag of Jett Black's hair.
I'll eat the crusts off your scabby pie! I'll take over a week of squeezing your dads blob heads? Ding-ding! That's the one! Let's do this! - Slither faster! - Ah! We gotta stop him! Klaus wants a killer instinct? Let's kill 'em with kindness.
It's "Klaush!" [LAUGHING.]
I hope you score! Look at you, you're so big and strong! I bet your parents read to you at night.
You were clearly raised well! [GRUNTING.]
Nobody's ever been nice to you before? That doesn't seem right.
You have such shiny drool.
Foul! No fair! Referee, call a foul, she's playing nice! Come on, forget the game.
Let's go have a picnic.
Boom-drac-a-lacka! Yes! Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You still have the ball! You didn't score! Ze game is not over! - Got it! - No! - KLAUS: Admit defeat! - Never! You must! You know you're going to lose! MAVIS: The phlegm ball is mine! Wow, they've been at it for like three weeks now.
- What's this about again? - Dunno, vampire stuff or something.
[BOTH STRAINING.]
[MUSIC.]
Booty shaking, booty shaking Booty in your face! Ah-ah! Oh [MUSIC.]