How Not To Behave (2015) s01e04 Episode Script
Kids And Parenting
1 NARRATOR: Tonight, it's all about parenting.
- Meeting the baby - He looks just like Gollum.
.
.
other people's kids and grandparenting.
This is How Not To Behave.
(Cheering and applause) - Hello, I'm Matt Okine.
- And I'm Gretel Killeen.
And this is How Not To Behave, the show that drops some serious truth bombs about what's OK and not OK in the etiquette warzone that is society.
As we do every week, we're supplying you with a new chapter in the social skills manual.
And today we're teaching you the correct approach to dealing with kids and parenting because, Matt, despite the fact that approximately 350,000 babies are born every day and humans have been raising children on earth for more than 200,000 years, many modern-day parents seem to think they're the first parents ever.
Now, Gretel, I don't have kids, yet, but I've hit that stage in my life where all my friends are just popping 'em out like paintballs at a game of Skirmish.
It hurts a little bit more than that.
- Pop-pop-pop-pop.
- That's not what it's like.
And everyone wants to show them off as well.
I look at my Facebook feed, I'm just like, 'Wait, am I friends with babies?' - Yes.
- Every picture is a baby! You know, in my generation, you got an Instamatic camera and there were like 12 photos on it, and there are no photos of me as a baby.
So clearly my parents thought, 'Ooh, no, we don't wanna waste a shot on that one.
' Now, the thing is that raising children is expensive.
You have to feed them, clothe them and then buy them an investment property.
Well, one cost saver is to use your parents as free babysitters by exploiting their generosity, their free time and their absence of a union.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but it seems, at a pinch, two oldies can do it.
Or can they? NARRATOR: Once upon a time, older Australians dreamed of enjoying their retirement, free to do whatever they want.
(Doorbell rings) But that dream is now over.
with many new parents leaning on their elderly parents to provide free childcare.
- (Toddler squeals) - Hi, Mum.
- Thanks again for doing this.
- (Toddler continues wailing) - It's OK, sweetheart.
- Thanks, Mum.
I love you.
(Toddler squeals) When your parents babysit your children, they are doing you a favour.
You shouldn't treat them like employees.
Sweetheart, I know we usually take the kids on Wednesdays, but next week we've got our Bridge semifinal.
You took time off for last month as well, didn't you? For my hip operation, yes, but We can't let people take days off whenever they want.
Otherwise people just start taking advantage.
We'll be there at 7:30.
- Do we need them to bring dinner? - Yes.
Spend enough time babysitting your grandchildren, and you will certainly witness a life milestone.
Mama.
Parents do not want to know this, so discretion is recommended.
- Did you hear that? - I didn't hear nothin'.
Remember, you are not just babysitting your grandchildren (Mobile rings) .
.
you are also looking after your children's egos.
Ah.
Hey, mate.
Hey, Dad.
How are you managing? Ah, it's a dream.
We're having the best time.
In fact, they said they don't wanna go home.
Ever.
(Chuckles) How's it with you? (Squeaky voice) It's good.
Look, gotta go.
See you.
The correct response is as follows -- (Sighs) Yeah.
Hey, Dad.
How are you managing? Ah, it's it's a nightmare.
They keep calling for their daddy.
(Applause) My mum used to help I was a single mum and my mum used to help raise my children.
She used to call them Poor Zeke and Poor Epi.
You know, because their mother was out working.
- That's so mean! - I know, I know.
Question is, is exploiting your parents OK? According to one recent state-based survey, between 10 and 20 % of people aged over 65 are providing unpaid care for their grandchildren.
There are no statistics, interestingly, on how many of these grandparents are resenting it.
In the old days, parents just did the best they could, now they want to be the best.
Parenting has become a competition.
There's helicopter parenting, where parents hover over their child.
I hate it when you're talking to a parent I love most things, but I hate this.
You're talking to a child and you ask the child a question and the parent answers.
Oh, yes.
- 'Did you have a good day?' - 'Yes, he did.
Yes, he did.
' Why don't they let the child speak? Well, that's actually called lawnmower parenting.
It's a type of parents who pre-empt every single possible scenario that might affect their child or hurt them, and then they just mow that obstacle down right there and then.
My generation, you weren't .
.
you weren't raised as though you were special.
You were raised as though you were an inconvenience.
- Absolutely.
- (Laughter) Do you know, for not a single birthday in my life did I ever get something I wanted.
- What did you get? - Just things you needed.
You know, like Ventolin.
Oh, yeah.
Well, my dad's a dentist, right? So every birthday he would get me a complete oral healthcare system.
Currently copping a lot of criticism is free-range parenting, whose supporters believe children should learn about their world through trial and error.
I was raised free-range.
And people now reminisce about it, 'Wasn't it fabulous? You could just wander around.
You'd go out at sunrise and not return till sunset.
Ooh, wasn't it a safe world?' It wasn't safe.
Our parents just did not love us.
They just don't care.
But it's great 'cause you do whatever you want.
But not anymore.
Police recently intervened when a 10-year-old girl caught a Sydney bus unaccompanied.
Police officers followed the bus and reprimanded her mother, saying it was inappropriate.
Is that OK, Gretel Wander-anywhere Killeen? It is just so weird, you know.
When our parents said, 'Go and get lost,' they actually meant it.
Now, a lot of my friends are having babies, OK, and I don't know how to behave around them when I'm meeting them.
What's OK, what's not OK? Check this out.
- Hey! How are you? - Good.
How old is he now? Oh, he's 18 weeks, isn't he? I can't believe it.
Oh, I know I'm biased, but, God, he's beautiful, isn't he? NARRATOR: Meeting your own baby for the first time is magical.
Meeting your friend's baby for the first time is substantially less magical.
Before opening your mouth, you can buy yourself thinking time with a head tilt.
The optimum incline is 30 degrees.
Breaching 30 degrees implies something is wrong and could cause undue stress for new parents.
When choosing your words, do so wisely.
He looks just like Gollum.
If you are struggling to find something positive to say about the newborn, keep it general.
Look at his tiny little hands and his delicious feet.
Bonds baby contest material, this one.
But always avoid giving a numerical score.
It will never be high enough.
Ultimately, all parents just want their offspring to look like them.
- I think he looks like both of you.
- Really? Yeah, he's got his mum's eyes, but his dad's mouth.
- That's what we think.
- Yeah? Yeah.
But remember to have all the facts at hand before discussing looks.
He looks just like you, but he looks like that other guy I always see at your house.
- Oh, her dad.
- No, the gardener.
- Really? - (Don't) Weird.
(Applause) Aargh! I get so nervous about the baby meeting.
I honestly feel like when I meet a friend's baby, I don't even see a baby, I just see a friendship destroyer.
I just think, 'Oh, I'm never gonna hang out with you ever again.
I'm never gonna see you anymore.
' What about when they ask you to hold the baby? No! Don't ask me to hold the baby, OK? I I can't be taking on that responsibility.
It's like them being like, 'Oh, here's a vase that is completely priceless to me.
Here, would you like to hold it?' No, I don't wanna hold it! I can see it.
It looks like a vase, it looks like every other vase I've seen.
It doesn't look like either one of you, it looks like a vase.
You know, it's particularly weird for women when they hold babies because it's like we all feel this baby will be able to detect if we are a good and kind person.
So if the baby cries, it means deep down we're wicked and the baby knows it.
But babies always cry whenever I hold them.
- Well, maybe you're wicked, Matt.
- Or maybe they're racist.
(Laughter) Tell you what, here is a disturbing statistic.
A recent survey has shown that 18% of new parents have owned up to being privately disappointed by the way their kid looks.
- Is that code for they think their child is ugly? - Ah 100%.
I'll tell you a story.
I know someone who had a baby and they thought their baby was so unattractive that when the baby got christened, they took another baby for the photo ops.
That is a shocker! - I know.
- Did they ever own up? Oh, wait, yeah, you 'know' a person.
- Sure.
- (Laughter) Now, no sooner have you stopped worrying about how your baby looks than it suddenly stops looking at you entirely and then just starts staring at screens.
You know, it's interesting -- in Taiwan, parents can be fined around $2,000 if their children have too much screen time.
The dictum is that children 'may not constantly use electronic products for a period of time that is unreasonable'.
The only problem with it is they don't define 'unreasonable'.
So a kid's gonna think 24 hours is fine.
- Yeah, sounds right.
- Yeah.
So, what are the rules here in Australia? Let's take a look.
One two, three.
- Hip, hip - BOTH: Hurray! NARRATOR: Children are exposed to televisions, smartphones and tablets from an early age.
For parents, the big issue is how much screen time is too much? There you go, sweetheart.
Happy birthday! Blow your candles out, Lucas.
(Laughter) Yes that's great.
When children begin choosing screens over cake, the balance is clearly wrong.
The best way to reduce your child's screen time is to lead by example.
- Hip, hip - ALL: Hurray! There you go, darling.
(Camera clicks) Another indicator your children are using too many screens is that they struggle with real-world situations.
- I don't want sausage.
Next.
- Hey.
The mistaken belief that anything unwanted can be virtually swiped away is an unfortunate by-product of excessive screen time.
It is important to set rules on when the use of touchscreen gadgets is appropriate.
The dinner table, for instance, should be a screen-free zone as this is where children learn the art of conversation.
- Mum, how was your? - Oh, hang on.
Quiz.
Which Game Of Thrones character are you? Guess.
Guess.
Khaleesi! Ha-ha! - Mum - Shh! We do not know the long-term effects of screen use on children, but can speculate that too much screen time leads to social awkwardness, relationship issues, no grandchildren and the death of your family name.
Unless, of course, you develop an app and name it after yourself.
(Applause) If you actually look back at that, you'll realise that the kid swiped right on the sausage, which would normally mean that he actually did want it.
It's not Tinder, he's not dating it.
But it's interesting, because when I was growing up, the really terrible thing that you did socially was read at the dinner table.
Now people would want their child to be reading a book.
Well, look, I don't buy into this, you know, kids are spending too much time in front of the screens.
We've had that argument since I was a kid.
I remember when Game Boys came out and all of a sudden it's like, 'Oh, you know, don't use that, it will disconnect you from society.
You won't know how to function,' and we turned out fine.
There's actually mounting evidence that screen time is bad for children.
It affects eyesight, as you said, language, hand-eye coordination, sleep, concentration and brain structure.
In fact, a British girl, just four years old, is having psychiatric treatment after becoming England's youngest known iPad addict.
You know, you can now get drool-proof screens for an iPad for a baby.
And do you know what else you can get? An iPotty.
Oh, my God! I want one of those so badly! Seriously.
I'm always using my phone on the toilet.
That would be so much easier.
They're just priming them for later on in life.
Plus, how much is a waste of time is pooing anyway? You might as well multitask.
Honestly.
Yes, it's a complete waste of time.
(Laughter) Now, while screen time might fire people up, - what really gets people mad is discipline.
- Oh, yes.
We conducted a poll that split the nation like a pea asking them if it's OK to discipline another person's child.
49% of Australia said yes, 51% said no.
I have to reiterate, it's not that 49% Western Australia didn't say yes and 40 and everyone else said no.
It's from all over.
Were you disciplined by anyone else as a child, Gretel? I was plane with my daughter and the music came on.
You know, 'I Still Call Australia Home' or whatever.
Before we took off, we're doing a bit of dancing and the man behind disciplined us both.
What did he say? He said, 'Stop doing that on a plane! - Be sensible!' - (Laughter) So how much bad parenting will the general public put up with? We conducted a hidden camera social experiment with our intrepid reporter Greg Larson and his mini partner in crime.
Take a look at what happened.
Hey, mate.
Just a croissant, please, a small one.
Thank you, thank you.
- Just sit up here.
- OK.
(Sings) Ooh-ee, ooh, ah-ah Ting-tang, walla-walla, bing-bang Ooh-ee, ooh, ah-ah Ting-tang, walla-walla, bing-bang.
Angus, Daddy's tweeting, OK? Just quiet.
Shut up.
You can't tell me what to do.
Just do you want your pocket money? - There you go.
Alright? - This isn't enough! - Eat your Pringles.
- I hate these chips, these are yuck.
Die.
Pew-pew! Why don't you die?! Die! Die! Aargh! Die! Dad, why can't I just get the the big water gun? Well, we'll get the big water gun tomorrow, OK? - But I want it.
- I know.
I know you do.
I want that water gun and I want it now.
Tomorrow.
I'll give it to you tomorrow.
I don't believe you.
Everyone at school has it.
Why don't I have it? - I don't want it soon.
I want it now.
- I know.
- I don't care, I want it now.
- He's great, isn't he? He's great.
- Oh, that's good, you've done your - I want the water gun now.
That's good.
Sorry, excuse me, guys.
Would you mind watching my son for two seconds? I really need to go.
I'm sorry, just one second.
I'm hungry.
Can you guys get me something? Oh! Nah.
I wish my dad got me something better than a stupid croissant.
- No! - I hate croissants.
Yeah.
That's what I usually say.
'Cause my dad's stupid.
He believes everything I say, so - Was he well-behaved? - Yeah, cool.
Cool.
Come one.
Let's go.
You have your croissant? - Yeah, it was very yummy.
- It was nice? - You ate it all? - Yeah.
Cool.
(Applause) Have you ever disciplined someone else's child? No, but I would have to say something if I saw Actually, I'd be too busy picking up the croissant.
And we filmed that in Sydney.
But if we'd filmed that in my hometown of BrisVegas, the results would have possibly been different because according to our poll, 4% of people nationally have admitted to raising their hand to a child that is not their own.
But if you break it down city by city, 2% in Sydney, four times as many in Brisbane.
Will hit someone else's child? Will raise their hand at someone else's child.
That's why when I was walking down the street growing up, it was (Laughter) It was like To help us make sense of these figures, and other parenting dos and don'ts, we got a man who should be called Father of the Year, but instead he's called Father of Three.
Would you please welcome Dave O'Neil.
- Thanks, guys.
- (Applause) - Welcome.
- Great to be here.
We were talking about lawnmower parents before, helicopter parents.
- What sort of parent are you? - I like to think I'm a fun parent.
- Or as my wife says, 'irresponsible'.
- Yeah! You've got to parent like it's 1978, that's what I say.
Why? What was better about 1978? Well, the parents didn't give a stuff, basically.
Like you said, we were free-range kids.
We used to just wander about.
And we were like swingers.
We would sample different houses and just move on.
Would you ever discipline someone else's child? As you know, when kids come to your house, they're very well behaved.
When my children go to other people's house, when you pick them up, the parent always goes, 'Oh, your son was amazing! He took his plate over, he washed the dishes, he cleaned the gutters out.
' Why isn't this happening at home? Are you an angry dad, do you think? Do you scare the other kids? Because I grew my dad was a little bit angry.
He was a classic 1970s dad, been in a war.
So came back a little bit Just pulled the guns out whenever there was He'd come in with the belt swinging like that at night.
But he used to only wear a singlet to bed, so he'd come running in, trying to hide his goolies, swinging the belt into the bedroom.
We were just talking about screen time and, you know, how much is enough.
- What is your stance on screen time? - Oh, no, very We're like an Amish family, seriously.
But my son goes, 'I'm bored'.
I say, 'Go play with your wooden toys.
' He goes, 'That's boring.
' I go, 'Go raise a barn with your brother Abraham in the back garden.
You're not having any screen time.
' Because the thing is it makes me so angry when I go restaurants with friends and they just bring out the iPads straightaway, or on a plane, the iPads.
Who cares? Do you actually wanna talk the three-year-old at dinner? Don't you wanna catch up with your friends? - You do wanna talk to them.
- What will you say? Funny stories, like, 'I heard my poo splash in the toilet today.
' Your friends aren't gonna say that, are they? Is being a parent as hard work as it sounds? Yes.
Because it's emotionally, physically and mentally challenging.
It's not like when you're working.
So, I've worked in normal jobs a long time ago and but at least when you worked in the bank, you can have a ten-minute break and have a coffee or something.
But with a kid, especially little ones, there's no break.
You know what I mean? None at all.
Any mistakes you've made that you wish you hadn't done? Oh, so many.
Like men are different to women.
Like, when my son had a really pooey nappy, I just took him outside and hosed him down.
Like a like an elephant in the zoo.
I wish I didn't do that.
I wish I didn't fall asleep in that park and my son walked home by himself.
No, look, you joke about being .
.
you know, being sort of a bit of a slack parent.
But what do you think makes you a really good parent? The kids don't care about quality time like going to the zoo and having an ice-cream.
Well, they do a little bit.
They just want you there.
'Cause I said to my kids, 'I've spend more time with you than my father has spent with me in my whole life.
' Like, I reckon my dad didn't even know where my school was.
- Yeah.
- Like seriously.
With your parents, do you get them to babysit? My parents are getting a bit on, but they have babysat My oldest son stayed when he was very young at Mum and Dad's and Dad said -- see this is things we wouldn't have happen when I was a kid -- Dad said, 'Oh, he woke up and he said he was hungry, so I gave him a couple of chocolate biscuits.
' What?! Dad, if that was me when I was six, if I woke up and said I was hungry, you would've just got the belt out.
'Have a bit of taste of this.
' But I see some grandparents down the park and they're, like, over 80.
You think, 'Give the guy a break.
He fought in the war, he survived the Depression, right?' And now he's changing pooey nappies! Let the grandparents go into, you know, the other life a little bit you know? Grandparents are overused I reckon, seriously.
You wouldn't do it when you're a grandparent? Oh, I'd love to do it, but I'd probably be really old.
That's the thing, we're all having kids later in life.
We're gonna be really old.
Like, I'll be 90,pushing around a pram.
There'll be someone behind you pushing you.
Just a little pram train.
But we'll be sharing nappies, so that'll be OK.
- Please thank Dave O'Neil.
- Oh, no worries.
Thanks.
(Applause) So, there are rules for your children, rules for other people's children and rules for the parents of children who wanna play with yours.
For example, always reciprocate the invitation, just drop your child off, don't linger, and don't drop your child off at all if he or she has headlice.
Ooh! But there are also rules regarding how YOU should behave when hosting a play date.
Take a look at this.
NARRATOR: Grown-ups have the luxury of avoiding people they don't like, which is why most adults only have two or three close friends.
Unfortunately, children make friends with everyone.
Here is a guide to main types of children a parent will be forced to deal with.
Dad, Andy's here.
The biohazard is overflowing with bacteria and parasites.
The challenge for any responsible parent is to protect your own child without hurting the feelings of the biohazard.
- We're just playing a game.
- Yeah? - What game is this? - We're playing Isolation Unit.
(Rattling) CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC Child geniuses are not only smarter than your child, they are often smarter than you.
This can lead to tension.
Dad, how do you spell 'chrysanthemum'? - C-R-I - I've got this one, Darren.
C-H-R-Y-S-A-N-T-H-E-M-U-M.
Thanks, Mackenzie.
Under no circumstances should you get competitive and force your child into an embarrassing situation.
- Hey, kids.
What's going on? - I designed an app.
It helps teach kids how to play the violin.
(Sighs) Wow.
Impressive.
- Peter can pick his nose with his tongue.
- Dad! - Show her, Peter.
Do it.
- No! - So you can beat her at something.
- Please leave! Aaargh! - The wild child is difficult - (Glass shatters) .
.
and can be costly to host.
But losing your temper at someone else's child is never appropriate.
I don't care of your a guest, you little (Bleep).
The solution is to plan ahead.
If you know a wild child is coming, turn your house into a safe zone.
Yaaay! (Applause) I'm not gonna lie, that safe zone looked awesome.
- Like seriously fun.
- (Laughs) But you know what? When I was growing up, I had a particular friend In those days it was much looser rules about drinking and smoking.
I remember, we used to go over there and we used to be asked to light the cigarettes for the parents.
They'd just sit there, 'Get me a ciggy.
' We'd light it, walk over, give it to them, pour them a scotch.
11.
Did you adopt the same practices with your kids and their friends? - No.
I was like Dave, incredibly strict.
- Oh, OK.
You've got to be so careful with who your kids hang out with.
Because they can annoy you and can have viruses and bugs or whatever, but they can also influence your child.
A British woman has taken the unusual step of choosing her children's friends for them.
She targets children whom she thinks will be a good influence, and curtails friendships she thinks will drag them down.
Like the suburb they come from.
And she prefers her children mixing with kids with old-fashioned names.
Can you imagine how how shit it would be to be friends with that kid? You know what else? You absolutely know those kids could well be knobs.
(Laughs) Oh, the biggest.
- Yeah.
- The absolute biggest.
OK, my hypothetical kids can play with whoever the hell they want, but what are the rules we can take away from tonight? Be good to your parents.
You'll need them to look after your kids.
Don't take baby photos if you want your kids to end up hella famous, like Gretel.
That was weird.
And a newborn is like a precious vase.
There's a good chance if you give it to Matt, he will drop it.
Kids honestly sound like the biggest hassle in the world.
They are also the source of the greatest joy.
They're worth it.
Join us next week when we try to get Matt to grow up and we continue to fix the world one rule at a time.
- Goodnight.
- 'Night.
(Applause)
- Meeting the baby - He looks just like Gollum.
.
.
other people's kids and grandparenting.
This is How Not To Behave.
(Cheering and applause) - Hello, I'm Matt Okine.
- And I'm Gretel Killeen.
And this is How Not To Behave, the show that drops some serious truth bombs about what's OK and not OK in the etiquette warzone that is society.
As we do every week, we're supplying you with a new chapter in the social skills manual.
And today we're teaching you the correct approach to dealing with kids and parenting because, Matt, despite the fact that approximately 350,000 babies are born every day and humans have been raising children on earth for more than 200,000 years, many modern-day parents seem to think they're the first parents ever.
Now, Gretel, I don't have kids, yet, but I've hit that stage in my life where all my friends are just popping 'em out like paintballs at a game of Skirmish.
It hurts a little bit more than that.
- Pop-pop-pop-pop.
- That's not what it's like.
And everyone wants to show them off as well.
I look at my Facebook feed, I'm just like, 'Wait, am I friends with babies?' - Yes.
- Every picture is a baby! You know, in my generation, you got an Instamatic camera and there were like 12 photos on it, and there are no photos of me as a baby.
So clearly my parents thought, 'Ooh, no, we don't wanna waste a shot on that one.
' Now, the thing is that raising children is expensive.
You have to feed them, clothe them and then buy them an investment property.
Well, one cost saver is to use your parents as free babysitters by exploiting their generosity, their free time and their absence of a union.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but it seems, at a pinch, two oldies can do it.
Or can they? NARRATOR: Once upon a time, older Australians dreamed of enjoying their retirement, free to do whatever they want.
(Doorbell rings) But that dream is now over.
with many new parents leaning on their elderly parents to provide free childcare.
- (Toddler squeals) - Hi, Mum.
- Thanks again for doing this.
- (Toddler continues wailing) - It's OK, sweetheart.
- Thanks, Mum.
I love you.
(Toddler squeals) When your parents babysit your children, they are doing you a favour.
You shouldn't treat them like employees.
Sweetheart, I know we usually take the kids on Wednesdays, but next week we've got our Bridge semifinal.
You took time off for last month as well, didn't you? For my hip operation, yes, but We can't let people take days off whenever they want.
Otherwise people just start taking advantage.
We'll be there at 7:30.
- Do we need them to bring dinner? - Yes.
Spend enough time babysitting your grandchildren, and you will certainly witness a life milestone.
Mama.
Parents do not want to know this, so discretion is recommended.
- Did you hear that? - I didn't hear nothin'.
Remember, you are not just babysitting your grandchildren (Mobile rings) .
.
you are also looking after your children's egos.
Ah.
Hey, mate.
Hey, Dad.
How are you managing? Ah, it's a dream.
We're having the best time.
In fact, they said they don't wanna go home.
Ever.
(Chuckles) How's it with you? (Squeaky voice) It's good.
Look, gotta go.
See you.
The correct response is as follows -- (Sighs) Yeah.
Hey, Dad.
How are you managing? Ah, it's it's a nightmare.
They keep calling for their daddy.
(Applause) My mum used to help I was a single mum and my mum used to help raise my children.
She used to call them Poor Zeke and Poor Epi.
You know, because their mother was out working.
- That's so mean! - I know, I know.
Question is, is exploiting your parents OK? According to one recent state-based survey, between 10 and 20 % of people aged over 65 are providing unpaid care for their grandchildren.
There are no statistics, interestingly, on how many of these grandparents are resenting it.
In the old days, parents just did the best they could, now they want to be the best.
Parenting has become a competition.
There's helicopter parenting, where parents hover over their child.
I hate it when you're talking to a parent I love most things, but I hate this.
You're talking to a child and you ask the child a question and the parent answers.
Oh, yes.
- 'Did you have a good day?' - 'Yes, he did.
Yes, he did.
' Why don't they let the child speak? Well, that's actually called lawnmower parenting.
It's a type of parents who pre-empt every single possible scenario that might affect their child or hurt them, and then they just mow that obstacle down right there and then.
My generation, you weren't .
.
you weren't raised as though you were special.
You were raised as though you were an inconvenience.
- Absolutely.
- (Laughter) Do you know, for not a single birthday in my life did I ever get something I wanted.
- What did you get? - Just things you needed.
You know, like Ventolin.
Oh, yeah.
Well, my dad's a dentist, right? So every birthday he would get me a complete oral healthcare system.
Currently copping a lot of criticism is free-range parenting, whose supporters believe children should learn about their world through trial and error.
I was raised free-range.
And people now reminisce about it, 'Wasn't it fabulous? You could just wander around.
You'd go out at sunrise and not return till sunset.
Ooh, wasn't it a safe world?' It wasn't safe.
Our parents just did not love us.
They just don't care.
But it's great 'cause you do whatever you want.
But not anymore.
Police recently intervened when a 10-year-old girl caught a Sydney bus unaccompanied.
Police officers followed the bus and reprimanded her mother, saying it was inappropriate.
Is that OK, Gretel Wander-anywhere Killeen? It is just so weird, you know.
When our parents said, 'Go and get lost,' they actually meant it.
Now, a lot of my friends are having babies, OK, and I don't know how to behave around them when I'm meeting them.
What's OK, what's not OK? Check this out.
- Hey! How are you? - Good.
How old is he now? Oh, he's 18 weeks, isn't he? I can't believe it.
Oh, I know I'm biased, but, God, he's beautiful, isn't he? NARRATOR: Meeting your own baby for the first time is magical.
Meeting your friend's baby for the first time is substantially less magical.
Before opening your mouth, you can buy yourself thinking time with a head tilt.
The optimum incline is 30 degrees.
Breaching 30 degrees implies something is wrong and could cause undue stress for new parents.
When choosing your words, do so wisely.
He looks just like Gollum.
If you are struggling to find something positive to say about the newborn, keep it general.
Look at his tiny little hands and his delicious feet.
Bonds baby contest material, this one.
But always avoid giving a numerical score.
It will never be high enough.
Ultimately, all parents just want their offspring to look like them.
- I think he looks like both of you.
- Really? Yeah, he's got his mum's eyes, but his dad's mouth.
- That's what we think.
- Yeah? Yeah.
But remember to have all the facts at hand before discussing looks.
He looks just like you, but he looks like that other guy I always see at your house.
- Oh, her dad.
- No, the gardener.
- Really? - (Don't) Weird.
(Applause) Aargh! I get so nervous about the baby meeting.
I honestly feel like when I meet a friend's baby, I don't even see a baby, I just see a friendship destroyer.
I just think, 'Oh, I'm never gonna hang out with you ever again.
I'm never gonna see you anymore.
' What about when they ask you to hold the baby? No! Don't ask me to hold the baby, OK? I I can't be taking on that responsibility.
It's like them being like, 'Oh, here's a vase that is completely priceless to me.
Here, would you like to hold it?' No, I don't wanna hold it! I can see it.
It looks like a vase, it looks like every other vase I've seen.
It doesn't look like either one of you, it looks like a vase.
You know, it's particularly weird for women when they hold babies because it's like we all feel this baby will be able to detect if we are a good and kind person.
So if the baby cries, it means deep down we're wicked and the baby knows it.
But babies always cry whenever I hold them.
- Well, maybe you're wicked, Matt.
- Or maybe they're racist.
(Laughter) Tell you what, here is a disturbing statistic.
A recent survey has shown that 18% of new parents have owned up to being privately disappointed by the way their kid looks.
- Is that code for they think their child is ugly? - Ah 100%.
I'll tell you a story.
I know someone who had a baby and they thought their baby was so unattractive that when the baby got christened, they took another baby for the photo ops.
That is a shocker! - I know.
- Did they ever own up? Oh, wait, yeah, you 'know' a person.
- Sure.
- (Laughter) Now, no sooner have you stopped worrying about how your baby looks than it suddenly stops looking at you entirely and then just starts staring at screens.
You know, it's interesting -- in Taiwan, parents can be fined around $2,000 if their children have too much screen time.
The dictum is that children 'may not constantly use electronic products for a period of time that is unreasonable'.
The only problem with it is they don't define 'unreasonable'.
So a kid's gonna think 24 hours is fine.
- Yeah, sounds right.
- Yeah.
So, what are the rules here in Australia? Let's take a look.
One two, three.
- Hip, hip - BOTH: Hurray! NARRATOR: Children are exposed to televisions, smartphones and tablets from an early age.
For parents, the big issue is how much screen time is too much? There you go, sweetheart.
Happy birthday! Blow your candles out, Lucas.
(Laughter) Yes that's great.
When children begin choosing screens over cake, the balance is clearly wrong.
The best way to reduce your child's screen time is to lead by example.
- Hip, hip - ALL: Hurray! There you go, darling.
(Camera clicks) Another indicator your children are using too many screens is that they struggle with real-world situations.
- I don't want sausage.
Next.
- Hey.
The mistaken belief that anything unwanted can be virtually swiped away is an unfortunate by-product of excessive screen time.
It is important to set rules on when the use of touchscreen gadgets is appropriate.
The dinner table, for instance, should be a screen-free zone as this is where children learn the art of conversation.
- Mum, how was your? - Oh, hang on.
Quiz.
Which Game Of Thrones character are you? Guess.
Guess.
Khaleesi! Ha-ha! - Mum - Shh! We do not know the long-term effects of screen use on children, but can speculate that too much screen time leads to social awkwardness, relationship issues, no grandchildren and the death of your family name.
Unless, of course, you develop an app and name it after yourself.
(Applause) If you actually look back at that, you'll realise that the kid swiped right on the sausage, which would normally mean that he actually did want it.
It's not Tinder, he's not dating it.
But it's interesting, because when I was growing up, the really terrible thing that you did socially was read at the dinner table.
Now people would want their child to be reading a book.
Well, look, I don't buy into this, you know, kids are spending too much time in front of the screens.
We've had that argument since I was a kid.
I remember when Game Boys came out and all of a sudden it's like, 'Oh, you know, don't use that, it will disconnect you from society.
You won't know how to function,' and we turned out fine.
There's actually mounting evidence that screen time is bad for children.
It affects eyesight, as you said, language, hand-eye coordination, sleep, concentration and brain structure.
In fact, a British girl, just four years old, is having psychiatric treatment after becoming England's youngest known iPad addict.
You know, you can now get drool-proof screens for an iPad for a baby.
And do you know what else you can get? An iPotty.
Oh, my God! I want one of those so badly! Seriously.
I'm always using my phone on the toilet.
That would be so much easier.
They're just priming them for later on in life.
Plus, how much is a waste of time is pooing anyway? You might as well multitask.
Honestly.
Yes, it's a complete waste of time.
(Laughter) Now, while screen time might fire people up, - what really gets people mad is discipline.
- Oh, yes.
We conducted a poll that split the nation like a pea asking them if it's OK to discipline another person's child.
49% of Australia said yes, 51% said no.
I have to reiterate, it's not that 49% Western Australia didn't say yes and 40 and everyone else said no.
It's from all over.
Were you disciplined by anyone else as a child, Gretel? I was plane with my daughter and the music came on.
You know, 'I Still Call Australia Home' or whatever.
Before we took off, we're doing a bit of dancing and the man behind disciplined us both.
What did he say? He said, 'Stop doing that on a plane! - Be sensible!' - (Laughter) So how much bad parenting will the general public put up with? We conducted a hidden camera social experiment with our intrepid reporter Greg Larson and his mini partner in crime.
Take a look at what happened.
Hey, mate.
Just a croissant, please, a small one.
Thank you, thank you.
- Just sit up here.
- OK.
(Sings) Ooh-ee, ooh, ah-ah Ting-tang, walla-walla, bing-bang Ooh-ee, ooh, ah-ah Ting-tang, walla-walla, bing-bang.
Angus, Daddy's tweeting, OK? Just quiet.
Shut up.
You can't tell me what to do.
Just do you want your pocket money? - There you go.
Alright? - This isn't enough! - Eat your Pringles.
- I hate these chips, these are yuck.
Die.
Pew-pew! Why don't you die?! Die! Die! Aargh! Die! Dad, why can't I just get the the big water gun? Well, we'll get the big water gun tomorrow, OK? - But I want it.
- I know.
I know you do.
I want that water gun and I want it now.
Tomorrow.
I'll give it to you tomorrow.
I don't believe you.
Everyone at school has it.
Why don't I have it? - I don't want it soon.
I want it now.
- I know.
- I don't care, I want it now.
- He's great, isn't he? He's great.
- Oh, that's good, you've done your - I want the water gun now.
That's good.
Sorry, excuse me, guys.
Would you mind watching my son for two seconds? I really need to go.
I'm sorry, just one second.
I'm hungry.
Can you guys get me something? Oh! Nah.
I wish my dad got me something better than a stupid croissant.
- No! - I hate croissants.
Yeah.
That's what I usually say.
'Cause my dad's stupid.
He believes everything I say, so - Was he well-behaved? - Yeah, cool.
Cool.
Come one.
Let's go.
You have your croissant? - Yeah, it was very yummy.
- It was nice? - You ate it all? - Yeah.
Cool.
(Applause) Have you ever disciplined someone else's child? No, but I would have to say something if I saw Actually, I'd be too busy picking up the croissant.
And we filmed that in Sydney.
But if we'd filmed that in my hometown of BrisVegas, the results would have possibly been different because according to our poll, 4% of people nationally have admitted to raising their hand to a child that is not their own.
But if you break it down city by city, 2% in Sydney, four times as many in Brisbane.
Will hit someone else's child? Will raise their hand at someone else's child.
That's why when I was walking down the street growing up, it was (Laughter) It was like To help us make sense of these figures, and other parenting dos and don'ts, we got a man who should be called Father of the Year, but instead he's called Father of Three.
Would you please welcome Dave O'Neil.
- Thanks, guys.
- (Applause) - Welcome.
- Great to be here.
We were talking about lawnmower parents before, helicopter parents.
- What sort of parent are you? - I like to think I'm a fun parent.
- Or as my wife says, 'irresponsible'.
- Yeah! You've got to parent like it's 1978, that's what I say.
Why? What was better about 1978? Well, the parents didn't give a stuff, basically.
Like you said, we were free-range kids.
We used to just wander about.
And we were like swingers.
We would sample different houses and just move on.
Would you ever discipline someone else's child? As you know, when kids come to your house, they're very well behaved.
When my children go to other people's house, when you pick them up, the parent always goes, 'Oh, your son was amazing! He took his plate over, he washed the dishes, he cleaned the gutters out.
' Why isn't this happening at home? Are you an angry dad, do you think? Do you scare the other kids? Because I grew my dad was a little bit angry.
He was a classic 1970s dad, been in a war.
So came back a little bit Just pulled the guns out whenever there was He'd come in with the belt swinging like that at night.
But he used to only wear a singlet to bed, so he'd come running in, trying to hide his goolies, swinging the belt into the bedroom.
We were just talking about screen time and, you know, how much is enough.
- What is your stance on screen time? - Oh, no, very We're like an Amish family, seriously.
But my son goes, 'I'm bored'.
I say, 'Go play with your wooden toys.
' He goes, 'That's boring.
' I go, 'Go raise a barn with your brother Abraham in the back garden.
You're not having any screen time.
' Because the thing is it makes me so angry when I go restaurants with friends and they just bring out the iPads straightaway, or on a plane, the iPads.
Who cares? Do you actually wanna talk the three-year-old at dinner? Don't you wanna catch up with your friends? - You do wanna talk to them.
- What will you say? Funny stories, like, 'I heard my poo splash in the toilet today.
' Your friends aren't gonna say that, are they? Is being a parent as hard work as it sounds? Yes.
Because it's emotionally, physically and mentally challenging.
It's not like when you're working.
So, I've worked in normal jobs a long time ago and but at least when you worked in the bank, you can have a ten-minute break and have a coffee or something.
But with a kid, especially little ones, there's no break.
You know what I mean? None at all.
Any mistakes you've made that you wish you hadn't done? Oh, so many.
Like men are different to women.
Like, when my son had a really pooey nappy, I just took him outside and hosed him down.
Like a like an elephant in the zoo.
I wish I didn't do that.
I wish I didn't fall asleep in that park and my son walked home by himself.
No, look, you joke about being .
.
you know, being sort of a bit of a slack parent.
But what do you think makes you a really good parent? The kids don't care about quality time like going to the zoo and having an ice-cream.
Well, they do a little bit.
They just want you there.
'Cause I said to my kids, 'I've spend more time with you than my father has spent with me in my whole life.
' Like, I reckon my dad didn't even know where my school was.
- Yeah.
- Like seriously.
With your parents, do you get them to babysit? My parents are getting a bit on, but they have babysat My oldest son stayed when he was very young at Mum and Dad's and Dad said -- see this is things we wouldn't have happen when I was a kid -- Dad said, 'Oh, he woke up and he said he was hungry, so I gave him a couple of chocolate biscuits.
' What?! Dad, if that was me when I was six, if I woke up and said I was hungry, you would've just got the belt out.
'Have a bit of taste of this.
' But I see some grandparents down the park and they're, like, over 80.
You think, 'Give the guy a break.
He fought in the war, he survived the Depression, right?' And now he's changing pooey nappies! Let the grandparents go into, you know, the other life a little bit you know? Grandparents are overused I reckon, seriously.
You wouldn't do it when you're a grandparent? Oh, I'd love to do it, but I'd probably be really old.
That's the thing, we're all having kids later in life.
We're gonna be really old.
Like, I'll be 90,pushing around a pram.
There'll be someone behind you pushing you.
Just a little pram train.
But we'll be sharing nappies, so that'll be OK.
- Please thank Dave O'Neil.
- Oh, no worries.
Thanks.
(Applause) So, there are rules for your children, rules for other people's children and rules for the parents of children who wanna play with yours.
For example, always reciprocate the invitation, just drop your child off, don't linger, and don't drop your child off at all if he or she has headlice.
Ooh! But there are also rules regarding how YOU should behave when hosting a play date.
Take a look at this.
NARRATOR: Grown-ups have the luxury of avoiding people they don't like, which is why most adults only have two or three close friends.
Unfortunately, children make friends with everyone.
Here is a guide to main types of children a parent will be forced to deal with.
Dad, Andy's here.
The biohazard is overflowing with bacteria and parasites.
The challenge for any responsible parent is to protect your own child without hurting the feelings of the biohazard.
- We're just playing a game.
- Yeah? - What game is this? - We're playing Isolation Unit.
(Rattling) CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC Child geniuses are not only smarter than your child, they are often smarter than you.
This can lead to tension.
Dad, how do you spell 'chrysanthemum'? - C-R-I - I've got this one, Darren.
C-H-R-Y-S-A-N-T-H-E-M-U-M.
Thanks, Mackenzie.
Under no circumstances should you get competitive and force your child into an embarrassing situation.
- Hey, kids.
What's going on? - I designed an app.
It helps teach kids how to play the violin.
(Sighs) Wow.
Impressive.
- Peter can pick his nose with his tongue.
- Dad! - Show her, Peter.
Do it.
- No! - So you can beat her at something.
- Please leave! Aaargh! - The wild child is difficult - (Glass shatters) .
.
and can be costly to host.
But losing your temper at someone else's child is never appropriate.
I don't care of your a guest, you little (Bleep).
The solution is to plan ahead.
If you know a wild child is coming, turn your house into a safe zone.
Yaaay! (Applause) I'm not gonna lie, that safe zone looked awesome.
- Like seriously fun.
- (Laughs) But you know what? When I was growing up, I had a particular friend In those days it was much looser rules about drinking and smoking.
I remember, we used to go over there and we used to be asked to light the cigarettes for the parents.
They'd just sit there, 'Get me a ciggy.
' We'd light it, walk over, give it to them, pour them a scotch.
11.
Did you adopt the same practices with your kids and their friends? - No.
I was like Dave, incredibly strict.
- Oh, OK.
You've got to be so careful with who your kids hang out with.
Because they can annoy you and can have viruses and bugs or whatever, but they can also influence your child.
A British woman has taken the unusual step of choosing her children's friends for them.
She targets children whom she thinks will be a good influence, and curtails friendships she thinks will drag them down.
Like the suburb they come from.
And she prefers her children mixing with kids with old-fashioned names.
Can you imagine how how shit it would be to be friends with that kid? You know what else? You absolutely know those kids could well be knobs.
(Laughs) Oh, the biggest.
- Yeah.
- The absolute biggest.
OK, my hypothetical kids can play with whoever the hell they want, but what are the rules we can take away from tonight? Be good to your parents.
You'll need them to look after your kids.
Don't take baby photos if you want your kids to end up hella famous, like Gretel.
That was weird.
And a newborn is like a precious vase.
There's a good chance if you give it to Matt, he will drop it.
Kids honestly sound like the biggest hassle in the world.
They are also the source of the greatest joy.
They're worth it.
Join us next week when we try to get Matt to grow up and we continue to fix the world one rule at a time.
- Goodnight.
- 'Night.
(Applause)