How Not to Live Your Life (2008) s01e04 Episode Script

Urgh, look at them.
There's nothing worse than couples in love, especially when one of them is someone you've been dying to have sex with.
Er, that'll be Abby, the girl, in this case.
She still has no idea how I feel about her.
Shall we go out tonight? It's Wednesday.
So? Oh, come on.
I'm in the mood for some fun.
We are going out for my birthday, aren't we? Yeah, that's 4th June, six weeks away.
Pff! Orhow about we I hate it when people do that - say the first bit of the sentence aloud, then whisper the interesting bit.
That's because it's private and I don't want you to hear.
Sorry.
Did I say that out aloud? - Yeah.
Sorry.
- Well? In the shower? I tend to think of showers as for after - you know, to scrub the sex off.
For crying out loud, Karl.
The woman is offering you sexy intercourse.
Don't turn it down! Are you insane in the mind? Take her upstairs, climb into the shower and do some wet nailing! Cos if you don't, my friend, I will! Ah, sometimes I wish I could just say what's on my mind.
Life would be so much easier.
I'm going out.
How about we have sex in your bed, but we do it in more than one position? MrDanbury.
- Mr Bitchman.
I personally wanted to get this to you so that You're poking out - What? Your penis.
Oops.
Sorry about that.
Oh, don't be so childish, Bitchman.
Everyone gets morning glory.
- It's two in the afternoon.
Yeah, well, I've just got up, so it's morning to me.
Mr Danbury, your grandmother consigned this property to you on the condition that you sustain the payments.
You've neglected those terms.
- I didn't understand a word of that.
You have to pay the mortgage.
- I haven't got a job, Mr Bitchman.
Why don't you get one, Mr Danbury? I've never understood why people frown upon getting out of bed late.
Surely if my body naturally wakes up at2pm, that's nature's way of telling me it's OK.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Jesus! Eddie! You scared the hell out of me.
You've gotta stop doing that! Sorry.
So, you're looking for a job? Yeah, I thought it was time I started looking.
But they all want CVs and references and shit.
And shit? Just CVs and references.
Well, er, why can't you get a reference from a previous job? You're fired.
- You're fired.
You're fired.
You're fired.
Wait, wait.
Ooh! Wherever you are, you're fired.
Yeah, I think we're gonna have to assume a reference is a no go.
Hmm? Hmm, indeed.
What job requires absolutely no qualifications, no experience and no-one liking you? Hey, excuse me.
Hey, handsome! Do you fancy signing up? Piss off! Rapist! Hey.
- Hey.
I'm Anna.
- Wow, you're forward.
What do you mean? Oh, right.
You work here too.
Yeah.
What did you think? I was just hitting on you in the street? Why's that so funny? It could happen.
- Yeah, right.
Hmm, suddenly I could see a point to doing charity work.
Anyway, I'm Don.
I'm new.
- No, you're not.
What do you mean? - You're old.
You are a cheeky madam, aren't you? - What are you doing this job for? You a bit special? No, I'm actually quite loaded.
But, shhh, don't tell the others, I don't want to embarrass them.
No, I'm just doing this cos I want to give a little back.
By taking a little? - Yeah.
Well, I suppose I'll be seeing you around, then? If you don't mind being seen talking to a geriatric? I happen to find older men really sexy.
I'd like to sign up for your charity.
Oh, I wouldn't bother, mate, it's rubbish.
Oh, how'd it go? - Great.
Yeah, great.
It waslet me seeembarrassing - Oh.
humiliating - Oh.
and, erdegrading.
- Oh.
Yeah.
But - Ooh, I love buts.
I met a foxy chicken today.
She's only 20.
But then, look, I'm only 29, you know? We're both in our 20s, we're both young and free and What I'm saying is, it's not a big age gap.
Hang on, what about Abby? Look, I can't keep chasing her and getting knock-backs.
I have my reputation to keep.
You're sure you want to keep that? Look, if Abby wants to go out with Panda-Eyes, let her.
Look, Singh, what you have to understand about me is love just doesn't suit me.
You know, it just doesn't fit.
It's at least one size too small.
Hmm? I'm a loner, a shark, a player, you know? You won't find me as one half of a couple.
I don't come in a pair.
No way.
I'm not a Twix, no.
I'm aTwick, yeah.
But what about this young lady you want to court? Well, exactly.
I want to court her, not go out with her.
I'm telling you, Eddie, if you saw her, you'd get fizzy balls! Why? What's wrong with her? Never mind.
Yeah, laugh it up, bitch.
What are you wearing that for? - Don's got a new job.
Really? - Yeah.
He's gonna be a charity collector.
He's a chugger? - What? Charity mugger.
Ch-ugger.
Er, hello? I am here.
Yeah, clearly this top isn't working.
I think you're brave, cos I couldn't deal with all that rejection and hostility.
Oh, don't worry, Don's used to all that! Eddie! - Impressive career choice, Don.
What are the opportunities like in chugging these days? Well, I'm not obsessed with career like you, Karl.
I just wanna do my bit for the world.
Yeah.
Plus it was the only job he was qualified for.
Yeah.
What? No, Eddie! Karl, there's no need to taunt him.
Now, hurry up! We're gonna be late.
Er, Don? I'd like to donate some money, if I may? Come off it, I'm not at work now! - No, no, no.
I wanna help you out.
Really? - Yeah! Oh, OK.
Here.
Ever seen one of these before? Nah, thought not.
Put what you like on it! Uh-uh-uh.
What do you say? Oh, come off it, Karl.
- No, you climb down from it, Don.
What's the magic word? Erpiff, paff, poof? No, no.
I think you'll find it's, "Thank you, Karl.
" Thank you, Karl.
- Sorry, what was that? Thank you, Karl.
- My pleasure.
Right, my work here is done.
Now, I've left a beef Wellie in the oven.
Take it out in 20 minutes.
We need to hurry up, because it starts at seven.
Come on.
OK.
Must get down to the centre.
Can't neglect the OAPs.
Well, we'll give you a lift, if you like.
You don't mind, do you, Karl? - Oh, no, of course.
I mean, I am a taxi driver, after all.
Great! How long have you been doing that? Eddie, that's a joke.
See you, Don! Oh, hang on! DOOR CLOSES I was actually beginning to enjoy my humiliating job, not because of the work, but because of the colleagues.
Morning! This one in particular.
How's it going? - Yeah, not bad.
I'm finally beginning to lure them in now I've got some strong opening lines.
HELPwith victims of ball cancer? If you don't donate, I'll pull the trigger.
Excuse me, do something nice for charity.
You bastard! I'm gonna kill you.
I'm gonna climb into your room while you're sleeping and rip out your throat and shove it back up your arse! Hi, do something nice for charity? What are you doing later? Fancy going for a drink with me? Yes, I do.
- Cool.
So I was going out with someone nearly a decade younger than me, but that's just one decade, one's a small number.
Then in the autumn I'm going to uni.
Anyway, it wasn't an issue.
Don't wanna be doing this when I'm your age.
No offence.
None taken.
Hey, wotcher.
- What's Bill Oddie doing here? Bill Oddie? That's their nickname for you.
- Bill Oddie? Yeah, cos you're old and all you do all day is watch birds.
Ha-ha! Very funny.
Are you sure you're allowed to be in here? I say, there, barman, I think there's some underage drinkers here.
I've told you kids to stop drinking in my pub.
I didn't know you were actually underage.
Nice job, Oddie.
- What we gonna do now? I know a cool little pub.
What is this place? - This is a real pub, my friends.
This place is AIDS.
- It's what? It's AIDS.
- That means it's bad.
No, no, no.
This is a cool little pub.
I wanna kill myself.
There's no music, Don.
- You don't need music.
Not when you've got genuine atmosphere.
More drinks? - Yep.
Yeah.
Could I get a tenner, Don? Er, yeah, sure.
Thanks.
Mate, have you heard the latest album by The Suicide Babies? Yeah, ugh, it's gooch.
What? It ain't gooch.
It's nasty.
No way, man.
The new Death To Jesus album, that's nasty.
The Death To Jesus album? Mate, that album smells.
That's a felch record.
That is a felch record.
It's felch.
Felch, felch.
Felch.
Er, yeah.
Have you heard the new LP from Blur? It's wicked.
- Blur? LP? Yeah.
- My dad likes Blur.
Now, The Fist's new tune.
That's what I'm talking about! Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I got The Fist on CD.
- CD? No, I mean, I downloaded it from iTunes.
- You paid for it? No, no, no.
- You illegally downloaded it? Mate, that is well out of order on the artist! What's up with him? Doesn't he speak? No, he's from Latvia.
Yeah, no.
He can't speak a word of English.
How does he get people to sign up for the charity, then? He uses a knife.
Pathetic! Download this, bitch! And you.
Is that felch enough for you? Naughty! You silly, naughty boy.
I dunno what you're laughing at.
You're next.
Now who's gooch? It's well cheap in here, isn't it? - Yes, it is.
See, coming round, aren't you? Cool.
Er, didn't I get any change? Oh, I spent the change on fags.
Hope that's cool? - Yeah.
Thanks, Oddie.
Cheers, Bill.
Pleasure.
Just here on the right, please.
Just here on the right, please.
Hey, listen.
We're going to this club tomorrow night.
Do you wanna come? Will those boys be there? - Yeah.
Why don't you and me make a day of it tomorrow? You can take me shopping in the afternoon, if you want.
Is that a fun thing to do? Mmm, well That was gooch.
Really? - No, I mean it was nasty.
Oh.
- Er, no, it was felch.
Don! - Sorry, I'm trying to say it was nice! It was nice.
- See your later, Bill.
Excuse me, I'm just gonna run into that shop and get money.
Is that all right? Bollocks.
It's gotta be worth a try.
Hmm? One, two, three, four? We're going out for my birthday, aren't we? That's 4th June.
Zero four, zero six.
Hmm!Piff paff, poof! What do you reckon? - Nice.
It's a bit out of my price range.
That's a shame, innit? I really want it.
Oh.
Oh, right.
UmI'll get it.
Thank you! Dad, can I get this one? Please? Oh, OK, then.
- Thanks, Dad.
We should get you some clothes for tonight.
Er, no, thanks.
Oh, go on.
You'd look good in the right stuff.
No.
I cannot bear trying clothes on in shops.
Ugh.
You fat bastard.
How would you like to pay for this, sir? Ever seen one of these before? Er, yeah.
Like 50 times a day.
Yeah, well.
That's what I'd like to pay with.
Thank you.
So I took Anna back to the house.
And there was Abby.
Hi, Don.
- Hey.
I mean, I didn't mind.
I'm over Abby, remember?Over her.
Er, Abby, this is Abby.
- Anna.
No, Abby.
I'm Anna.
- Sorry, what did I say? Abby.
- Sorry.
And Abby, this is Abby.
Anna! - Anna! Yes.
Is it cool if I use your room to get changed? Course it is, yeah.
It's up on the first floor.
And it's the room with the purple flowers and doilies.
Ugh, imagine if it was.
It is! Hey.
- Hey.
Wow.
No Karl? Wow.
No Eddie.
Look, I can't help him turning up all the time.
He's very persistent.
It's actually quite annoying.
- Yeah.
He does everything and asks for nothing in return.
What a drag Well, you know, he takes it too far.
Don't forget to wash under your foreskin.
He cares about you.
Yeah.
Well, I'm not used to that.
- Aw.
Are you, um, going out tonight? Yeah, we're going to a club.
Do you wanna come? I'm seeing Karl tonight.
It's not really his thing.
What a shocker - Oi! Don't be rude.
I like the fact that he isn't into going out and getting off his head.
Because? Because he's not a mess, like all my previous boyfriends.
When I met Karl I was going through some pretty big changes.
Puberty? I haven't been going out with him that long.
The menopause? I'm not talking about physical changes, you idiot.
I mean, I wanted to grow up a bit and change my life.
I couldn't keep going out and getting wasted all the time.
What? You mean having fun? There are other ways to have fun.
Really? Like what? And don't say bowling.
The thing is, I'm happy.
I am.
But I wouldn't mind going out and letting my hair down every once in a while.
Do you know what I mean? Hey, how we getting there tonight? Taxi? Er, yeah, if you like.
Wow, you look Um - Yes? Good.
- Thanks.
Go on, get changed.
Do you want a cup of tea? You got any alcohol? - I dunno, I'll have a look.
So, you not interested in Don, then? Sorry? Just seems a bit weird.
You live together, but nothing's happened.
Men and women can live together without anything happening, you know.
Everyone says that.
It's not true.
If I were you, I'd have boffed him by now.
All we've got is tequila, so - Great! Line 'em up.
OK.
There you go.
Thanks.
Want one? - Yeah.
Why not? Cheers.
- Cheers.
Ooh, that's good.
So what are you doing tonight? - I'm seeing my boyfriend tonight.
So we'll probably just stay in and watch a film or something.
Boring.
Hey.
You ready to rock? Hey, you look different.
It's all thanks to Anna.
Mmm Mmm, tequila.
Nice! Right, shall we do this thing? - Yeah.
Let me get my bag.
See your later, Abby.
- Bye.
Bye.
Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, Anna, what do you want? - I'll have a beer! Cool, eh? What? - Cool.
Oh, thanks! Yeah, I know I am, yeah.
Yeah, you're pretty cool, too! Oh, sorry, Bill.
Couldn't really afford to get rounds in.
Tune! - Whoo! All right, Bill? No.
I'm sober.
I'm off my head! Shall we get some gack? Really? - Yeah, why not? You'll pay, right? Depends.
Do drug dealers take credit cards? No.
There's a cash point in the club.
- Really? Is there a post office here as well?! Here you are.
Argh.
Argh.
It's loud, isn't it? Relax! We're here to have a laugh.
I'm having alaugh.
Wake up, Granddad.
Sorry.
- Come on, let's dance.
I don't do dance.
Yeah, you do.
Hey, I like this one, yeah.
Just as I'd impressed Anna with my dance shapes, Abby suddenly appeared They were quite some moves you were pulling.
Hey! looking stunning.
What made you decide to come here? I saw you leaving the house and thought, "I wanna go out too.
" How you getting on with what's-her-name? Good.
Yeah, I'm well in there, yeah.
Drinks? - Yes! Get six Sambucas.
- Six? Yeah, don't worry.
Two of those are for Karl.
By the way, can I get my credit card back off you? Say what? My credit card.
I need it back.
Er, I gave it back to you.
When? - Straight away.
Don't you remember? You made me feel small, by doing all that "thanks, Karl" bull-crap.
And then, er, I took your details, we shook hands and I gave it back to you.
I think you put it in the third groove of your wallet.
Oh.
Right.
Sorry.
I hope I haven't lost it, then.
There you go.
- Two? Aw, scared? Yeah, I can see why.
Look at them, they're massive.
Big huge Samuel Bucas.
Oh, don't Aw, nice one.
Two more.
Right, yeah.
What are you boys up to? Showing each other your pubes? Hey, it's Bill Oddie! Don't you think that joke's wearing a bit thin now? What, like your hair? How could you say that?! Shame about Anna, eh? What do you mean? - She got off with that other fella.
Oh, well.
See you around, Bill.
Laters, Oddie.
What? Probably I think it for the best.
She was much too young for you.
And just looking at you, it is clear that you have many, many personality issues.
Why else would you hang out with people so much younger than you? What did he know? I'm a cool dude.
Er, do people still say "cool dude"? Thank you so much.
If only you puked up and ate your own vomit, Karl.
That way.
Ow.
Hang on.
Let's see if he does it again.
Ow! Go on, go up the stairs.
I'll be up in a minute.
How many Sambucas have you given him? Six.
And six teq-wi-las.
Urgh.
- And six absinthes.
I'm telling you, he's stubborn.
All you've gotta do is dare him to drink and he'll do it.
Hmm.
He's certainly stubborn.
It was really good seeing you tonight.
We had fun.
We should do it again.
Yeah.
And next time without HIM.
Yes.
Yes! Why? Well, it's not really his thing.
I wanna go out and have a laugh and get shit-faced with you and not have to baby-sit him.
Well, I'm your man.
Whoo! Just call me up and we'll get shit-faced together.
Deal.
- Deal.
Night.
Did that just happen? Maybe I should have made a move.
But then maybe she wouldn't have responded.
Oh, God, I shouldn't have drunk all those teq-wi-las.