How to Die Alone (2024) s01e04 Episode Script

1
["One Margarita" by Casa Di,
Steve Terrell & That Chick Angel playing]
[speaker] If I was single,
and it's cuffing season,
I would definitely try
to slide in someone's DM
or see if-if my friend has a friend.
Um
Yeah, I'm not just gonna be by myself
in cuffing season. [laughs]
Oh, cuffing season's
hunting season, you know?
If, uh, you don't have a significant other
already in place,
you go out hunting every weekend.
Gimme one margarita, I'ma open my legs ♪
Gimme two margaritas,
I'ma give you some head ♪
Gimme three margaritas
I'ma put it in my puss ♪
Gimme four margaritas
I'ma put it in my tush ♪
Gimme five margaritas, margaritas ♪
Thank you!
Um [humming]
Ooh! Let's grab that table over there.
No, no, no, we're gonna stand at the bar
and look sexy and approachable.
If men are gonna reject me,
I'd much rather be seated.
- You know, set expectations.
- Come on!
Plus, this bitch loves to sit!
[Tamika] Great, a dark musty corner.
[Melissa Jackson] Sitting is very highly
underrated.
- [Tamika] If they can see us.
- [Melissa giggles]
Oh! Hey!
Someone is making eyes
at you from the bar.
- Oh, no thank you. No, no, no, no.
- [Tamika and Allie laugh]
Do you even wanna meet someone?
Of course, I do, you know?
Not only do I need to,
like, forget about Rory,
but I need to move on from Alex.
- Yes, you do.
- Good. So, we know our goal.
Let us help you get there.
Okay, what you need to know about me
is that because of societal standards,
I'm like human cilantro.
Seriously! To some guys, I'm like soap,
and the ones that do want me,
they're already up on
somebody else's taco.
What about that guy that was flirting
with you in class?
Oh, Carlos!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, the fruit agent.
No! [laughs] I already did the work thing,
and it was a certifiable shit show.
But I met Lamar at work.
- Wait, why was he at Sephora?
- [Tamika] Fashion week.
When you're a makeup artist,
you meet fine-ass models on the reg,
like all day,
and, honey, they all check for me.
I hadn't really thought
about Carlos like that.
- Well, have you tried him out?
- What do you mean?
Oh, I audition all my conquests.
I do a dry fantasy run,
and if it becomes a wet fantasy run?
- [gasps]
- [clicks] I make those dreams come true.
Okay, well, here's
to making dreams come
[all laughing]
[Allie] I'll send
you an app to set the mood.
Thank me later.
Gimme, gimme, gimme a beat! ♪
[Melissa] Okay, Allie,
let's see what your app can do.
[crowd applause on app]
[narrator on app] My play premiere was
a huge success.
I was giddy and tipsy
from so many people congratulating me,
and that last glass of
Prosecco certainly didn't help.
- [vibrator buzzing]
- I sneak backstage to center myself
when I see that sexy actor Herman.
I'd always heard about understudies having
a Star is Born moment.
[Melissa] I should really
see that movie again.
The original, not Gaga's.
[narrator on app] Hey, girl, stop letting
your mind wander.
You're supposed to be thinking
about Carlos. Now, get to work.
I realized we were alone backstage.
He met my gaze and slowly sauntered over.
I was wondering if, uh,
if you can help me.
- [soft music playing]
- I got sewed into these pants,
and it's kind of embarrassing,
but I can't take them off.
[narrator on app] All I wanted to do
was rip those pants right off,
but we needed them
for tomorrow's performance.
So, I found a pin
and knelt in front of him
to undo the stitches. I felt flush.
Was it the Prosecco, or was it him?
- [whoosh]
- [vibrator continues]
[annoyed sigh]
You're supposed to be Carlos.
[narrator in app] You tell him, girl.
This is supposed to be
a Carlos fantasy run.
Now help me, help you, and focus.
Where was I? Oh, yes.
The air was electric as I slowly loosened
each stitch on those pants.
I was so close to his Jack in the box,
I could tell he was ready
to pop right out.
Tonight's performance was over,
but I was up for an encore,
and he was definitely up, too.
Careful. That tickles.
[narrator in app] Wait, why are we letting
him back in?
I just wanna make you happy.
[Melissa] Because I know he
can get me there,
and I'm gonna be late for work. [sighs]
[vibrator humming]
[Mel moaning loudly]
[Josh] Well, there's some naming drama
with the ghost kitchen.
Sir Rise-a-Lot is the front runner,
but Kaya wants my new sourdough starter
to be Li'l Yeasty.
[weak laugh] That's a good one.
But like, why's it gotta
be li'l, you know?
- Yeah.
- [Josh] Oh, shizz.
- [cart whirring]
- I'm out of Mel's hazelnut creamer.
Never mind, I will crush up some
No, no, actually, uh,
just one coffee for me.
Let's go, let's go.
Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise?
[scoffs] No.
Wheatney Houston, yes.
Hi.
As managers, you are
the first line of defense
against sexual harassment,
so it's important to know
what constitutes harassment.
Well, that can include
unwanted sexual advances,
comments about appearance,
cat calling, sexual innuendo.
[mutters] Having a vivid dream
about a coworker?
- [soft laugh]
- [instructor] Pardon me?
Uh
Having a vivid
dream a-about a coworker,
does that does that count?
Not if you don't say it out loud.
- Noted.
- [laughter]
As managers, you will be
the eyes and ears of JFK.
And when it comes to
romantic relationships in the workplace,
it's okay to ask a person out once.
But, if they say no,
asking them again would be harassment.
What if you've been hanging out
with someone, say,
for a month and some change,
but you didn't have the DTR convo yet,
hypothetically?
I don't know what DTR means.
"Define the relationship."
- Best not to shit where you eat.
- [laughter]
Pardon my French.
As managers, it's best for you
to just disclose
any workplace relationship
to the head of HR, so there are no issues
if it goes south.
I can tell you that
one in three US workers
have or are currently involved
in a romantic workplace relationship,
and the majority of those people,
they did not disclose to their employers.
So, my High Flyers,
the moral of this story is
- disclose, disclose, disclose!
- [clapping]
You don't have to do it three times.
Just the once will be fine.
The other two times, I did for emphasis.
[upbeat music playing]
[quiet airport chatter]
I found your earrings this morning.
Why are you treating it
like it's evidence? [laughs]
I coulda got it tonight.
Does this mean
you'll finally stay at my place?
No, not with your mama in the next room.
Boy, she don't care.
Besides, she told me
to invite you to Thanksgiving.
She can throw it down.
You make it hard to say no.
Let me see if I can work out my schedule.
- You make the schedule.
- [laughs]
Oh, um,
I disclosed our relationship to HR.
Wait, why?
You're a manager. You should know that.
It's part of the sexual
harassment seminar.
No, yeah, yeah, you right, you right.
- Yeah.
- You right.
- [laughs]
- What else did you learn today?
That telling you about the dream I had,
where I handcuffed you
- Oh.
- is definitely
- sexual harassment.
- [laughs]
- Ms. Hill, you
- Mm-hmm?
are very, very convincing.
[sensual music playing]
Why don't you notify HR
that I will be coming
to yours for Thanksgiving.
- Deal.
- Deal.
Tell your mama, too.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[Alex Williams]
You know you're amazing, right?
Oh yeah, I just
I just want you to be happy.
[Patti] Frick! [sighs]
[Melissa] Why are you still here?
- You're gonna be late for your pickup.
- [Patti] I know.
I'm supposed to be having lunch with Mike.
He's my suitor from Lost and Found.
- [giggles]
- Gross.
I'll take it if you take my Friday night.
Really? Nice!
Nope, we don't do that.
Oh. [imitates explosion]
[upbeat music playing]
Bachelorette in New Orleans.
- Uh-huh. Mm.
- Okay, well, one piece of advice.
No matter how drunk you get,
those beads have no value.
- Keep your ladies covered.
- [laughs]
It's not that type of bachelorette.
[Melissa] Then what kind of bachelorette
is it?
We're just a bunch of married ladies,
in matching PJs,
giving the bride
lessons from the battlefield.
- Ah. Well, can I come, please?
- Uh-huh.
Man, I thought I'd have
relationships figured out by now,
- but I definitely don't.
- [laughs]
- Boy problems?
- Yeah, it's complicated.
I thought I was over my ex,
but he is living in my head rent-free.
- [sighs]
- Mm. Girl, been there.
[Melissa] Yeah, it's like,
part of me knows
that I need to make a clean break of it
and just move on,
- but it's hard.
- Oh, yeah.
So hard because we work together
every single day.
- Clarissa!
- [Clarissa] Julie!
- Julie!?
- You made it! [laughs]
Wild horses and six pins in my ankle
couldn't keep me away!
- Mel, could I talk to you for a second?
- Uh-huh.
[nervous laugh] This was supposed to
be Patti's pickup.
[Melissa] And now I know why.
So
me and Julie had a fight last night
about our exes at our wedding.
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh, and I had to tell her about us.
- Wait, she doesn't know about us?
- No, it's not that.
It'd just be great if you could,
like, not be here right now.
Yeah, lucky for you,
I don't wanna be here.
Mel!
I've heard so much about you.
It's nice to finally meet.
Right! It's just
[overlapping awkward chatter]
Uh, Clarissa,
this is Mel.
Wait. You're Mel?
You know what? Uh
I have to pick up a foreign dignitary,
so I'ma get on that and get you seated
so you guys can get the show on the road,
am I right? [laughs]
Mm, how does this work? [gibberish]
[announcement over PA]
Attention, passengers.
The terminal is now on lockdown.
All flights are grounded,
and you cannot leave the terminal
until further notice.
We appreciate your patience
as we work to resolve this situation.
- Thank you.
- Shit.
So, we're stuck here?
- [downbeat music playing]
- [Alex] Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Yeah, we are.
[clatters]
[passenger] Serena! Serena!
All this is unnecessary.
Serena's a wanderer, always has been.
She'll wander back soon.
I'm sorry, but since
you already checked her in
as an unaccompanied minor,
she's the airline's responsibility
until she's found.
- [passenger] Serena!
- Now we know why we're on lockdown.
Well, there goes the swamp tour.
You know what? I should get to
the security office ASAP.
- I'll drive you.
- Oh! Okay, great.
- No. No, no!
- [Alex] Is everything okay?
I checked in the luggage that had
all the scavenger hunt lists inside,
so I only have this one copy.
[cutesy] Aw, man. Mm.
I figured we could do it while we wait,
but [sighs] now what?
Y-You know what, Yummy?
That is actually solvable.
We'll just go to my office
and make some copies.
No, no, you need to do your job,
so we can get outta here.
But, maybe Mel could take me.
- Oh, no.
- Oh no, she's busy.
- Super busy. Just woo!
- It'd be really quick. [laughs]
Thanks so much!
["I've Got Your Man"
by Lady Saw playing]
[nervous laugh] Alright, bye.
[nervous laugh]
Oh, Lord have mercy.
I've got yo man,
and you can't do anything ♪
[Melissa] So, what's on
this scavenger hunt list?
Change shirts with a stranger,
get frisked by a cop,
sign a guy's butt.
I mean, I don't see how Alex
could find these "inappropriate."
Well, he's just probably being protective.
- Yeah, that's what he said.
- Mm.
But lucky for him,
I like to keep things spicy.
- I bet you do.
- [giggles]
So, Clarissa tells me you're hung up
on some guy at work.
- It's not Alex, is it? [giggles]
- Oh! No, no, no, no.
It's Carlton Herman.
He's a merman model mo
- He models swimwear. [laughs]
- Oh, okay.
Uh, when he's not
doing business, my business,
- he's all up in my business. [laughs]
- Oh! [laughs]
Um, but yeah. Herman is my nickname
for him with my friends, so
My nickname for Alex is Energizer Bunny.
- Oh. Ah. Ooh!
- He could keep going and going
- Did you have a nickname for Alex?
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
I don't give boyfriends nicknames.
It's just plain old Alex.
Alright, here we go. [imitates fanfare]
[laughs] Let's get you some
copies, alright?
And you can't do anything about it ♪
[Julie] Wait, boyfriend?
I thought it was a little three months,
friends with benefits thing.
Nope. [laughs] It was exactly that.
Not a big deal.
[laughs] Yeah, right. Of course not.
[tense music playing]
Oh, God, no, it's just Alex told me
that you were very clear
you didn't want anything more.
No, I didn't, and I don't.
Right.
Look, we're so glad that
you're coming to our wedding.
Alex told me that you're afraid to fly.
Yep. [awkward laugh]
You're such a good friend for doing that.
[DeShawn] I hope this lockdown
lasts all day too.
Shit, I'm tryna take all y'all money.
Oh, yeah, that's my book.
[Kaya] What's this about
Tina and Thanksgiving?
- Please tell me you didn't say yes.
- It's just dinner!
Aw, y'all cute or whatever.
It's not just dinner, T,
it's Thanksgiving dinner.
That's why they named it!
Look, bro, next you know,
she gonna be at your house,
every night, bonnet on.
Facts. Probably canceling her cable
and utilities right now.
[Kaya] Don't pay them no mind.
It's not even that serious.
We literally just started dating.
Oh, "Just started dating."
Like a year ago!
[Kaya] Okay, okay, let's settle this.
Has she left any random shit at your spot?
Uh, a pair of earrings,
but it was an accident.
[sighs] Okay, if it was one earring,
it would be an accident.
A pair of earrings,
she's saying, "Oh, we go together now."
Exactly. Bro, what'd I tell you?
These girls are smart! Three stacks.
Wh-What about your earrings?
Do you leave them at home,
or you got a place to leave 'em?
- What are you doing right now?
- I'm trying to hit on her.
- [DeShawn] Bro, why would you say that?
- Okay, look, anyway!
If you aren't serious about Tina,
you need to break up with her
before the holidays.
Look, do I like her?
Yeah. Of course. She's great.
But is she the one? I don't know.
- I mean, how does anyone know?
- [overlapping hums]
You know, bro, honestly, for me,
it's when the imperfections
stop being the deal breaker.
That's when you know,
you know what I'm saying?
Like, I knew Didi was the one
when I would share everything with her.
- Aw.
- Everything? Even your food?
Oh, especially my food, bro. For real.
I'm not sharing my food with nobody.
I will never be that in love, straight up.
[DeShawn] [laughs] Famous last words.
- [Kaya] You're gonna be alone forever.
- [DeShawn] Done.
[announcement over PA] We thank you
for your continued patience
during this lockdown.
[Julie] Oh, no way.
Are you looking for anything
in particular? Can I help?
[Julie] When I started dating Alex,
he would take me to this
Thai restaurant all the time.
He thought he was being all fancy
ordering off the menu.
"We'll take the good shrimp,
not the frozen shrimp.
- And tell Gus to make it extra spicy."
- [mouthing along]
Um
That's a good order.
I, um, I used to work there.
[sighs] You know, you
you have such a pretty face.
There has to be someone that can help you
move on from Mr. Merman.
Yeah, there's this guy
in my management class,
but, you know, he entered the chat,
but I don't know.
Okay, fun fact.
I wasn't so sure of Alex
when we first met.
But then, he surprised me
by making me fall
in love with him. [weak laugh]
I probably shouldn't tell you this, but
Alex is looking at jobs
at Hartsfield-Jackson.
[laughs] Cool.
I could put in a good word
with him if you like.
- [rattling]
- Yeah, that would Oh! Look, okay!
- It's always the toner. [laughs]
- Of course.
Um, it's always the last place you look.
We should,
- you know, probably test it out.
- Yeah, let's test it out.
Just so he won't forget.
- [copying]
- Of course you have perfect titties.
- [Julie giggles]
- [jazz music playing]
- [sighs]
- [laughs] Oh, my God.
- [fake laugh, indistinct]
- What!?
- He's gonna love this. [laughs]
- [typing]
[text whirs]
[sends text]
- [jazz continues]
- [vents whirring]
[jazz trumpet solo]
[music tempo increases]
[music softens]
I've been waiting for you.
♪♪
[Melissa] It's crazy how much
random food is in here,
and it doesn't smell like a compost pile.
You'd be surprised what
palo santo can do, you know?
[Melissa] Mm. That's true, powerful stuff.
- Okay, be honest.
- Mm-hmm.
How much of this shit
do you end of stealing?
Honestly
- most of it.
- [laughs]
Listen, it's not like people can come back
looking for it or whatever. They
go off to whatever country they're from,
leave all this stuff to go bad.
- Better to not waste it.
- Ah.
You are doing a good service, sir.
- Thank you. [laughs]
- [laughs]
I'm actually surprised you came.
Well, I'm
full of surprises.
- L-Let me give you a tour.
- Yeah, yeah. [laughs]
- [sensual music playing]
- He tastes like salami.
- I'm sensing a theme.
- Baby baby ♪
I can do this, just like I practiced.
Thank God I shaved this morning.
Is he doing the alphabet?
[heavy breathing]
Nope, just the letter I, italicized.
Aw, he's so proud of himself.
Good for you.
- Is that a condom or chocolate?
- [laughs]
Either way, yes.
- [Carlos grunts]
- [Melissa] Ooh! [gasps]
[grunting]
Not a chocolate.
Ooh! It's chocolate week on
British Bake Off.
- [grunting]
- Girl, focus up before it's over.
[gasps]
And it's over. Okay.
[music stops]
Whoo!
[laughs]
- That was fun, right?
- [Melissa] I miss Alex.
- [sighs]
- Yeah, it was. Totally.
Uh, where'd you get
that scar on your chest?
Oh. We went camping upstate last summer,
and I-I tried this
Bear Grylls hack, and I was
We? What do you mean by we?
You don't care that I got a missus, right?
[belt rattling]
- You're married. [snickers] Of course.
- Uh-huh.
Mel, what's the big deal?
N-No one has to know.
I do! I know!
Why would you cheat on your wife?
I don't wanna talk about
my marriage right now.
Okay, yeah, and I wanted to cum,
and that didn't happen for me,
so I guess this didn't work out
for either of us.
- [Carlos] Wow.
- [Melissa] Okay
You know what? Just one thing. Why me?
Why not? You're beautiful
Ew! Ew. Ew.
We're two adults,
killing time during a lockdown.
I-I seriously don't understand
why you're getting so upset.
Because I shat where I ate!
[hushed] Pull it together,
pull it together.
[phone dings]
- [sniffles]
- [clattering]
[sniffles]
- What are you doing back here?
- Nothing.
Nothing is my favorite thing to do.
Can I sit there?
I am very much in the mood
to do absolutely nothing.
Well, a lot of people are
looking for you right now.
Why are you hiding?
Because my mom says I have to go
to North Carolina to see my dad.
That sounds fun.
I've never been to North Carolina.
What if I don't like it?
Mm Well,
depending on which part, you might not.
But, you know, doing something new
is scary for everybody, not just you.
Let me tell you a story about
taking chances.
It's about Bessie something.
She was the first Black female pilot
to fly in the US.
Or France.
There was something about France.
I wish I'd read the blurb,
but I got the gist. Anyway,
imagine how she felt
doing something new for the first time,
not knowing how they'd treat her
or if she'd make friends.
- And [grunts] Duck!
- [door banging]
[upbeat music playing]
[sighs]
Who was that man?
Nobody. Absolutely nobody.
You know what?
Do you wanna see the display?
And you'll have something fun
to tell your dad.
- Deal?
- Okay.
Alright. Let's get outta here.
♪♪
Oh, no!
I forgot how to honk the horn!
- Oh, I can do it.
- Okay.
- [honks horn]
- [over PA] Ladies and gentlemen,
the lockdown has been lifted.
Thank you for your patience
as we work to get you to your destination.
Where were you?
You should've checked in.
I could've helped.
Well, at least now
you know I can handle things
when you're not around.
Have fun in Atlanta.
♪♪
Those jackals picked
every bone clean up there.
First rule of lockdown,
take what's yours, and fast.
Okay. Good to know
you got survival skills.
- [giggles] Ah!
- Ah-ah! Whoa.
- Talk about biting the hand the feeds you!
- Sorry, it's not you, I promise.
- Wow.
- I grew up with five brothers,
and my survival skill is not sharing food.
Well, there'll be plenty enough
to go around on Thanksgiving.
No need to bare your fangs, babe.
I will be on my best behavior.
- I'll even bake a pie.
- [laughs]
[phone alert]
Well, my break is done.
- I'll see you tonight.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, and you owe me a foot rub.
- Yes, ma'am.
[planes idling]
Well, well, well.
Melissa Action Jackson.
How's it feel to be a hero?
- [crunching]
- I don't really feel much like a hero.
What's up?
I'm really trying to change, Terrance,
but I keep hitting wall
after wall after wall,
and it's like I'm stuck.
And I don't wanna give up, but [scoffs]
shit hurts.
You sound like my Roomba.
- Come again?
- Hear me out.
When I first got it, I was like,
"Yo, this robot is about
to change my life."
- I'm about to change the channel.
- Stay with me, Jackson.
So, for the first couple of days,
all the Roomba did was hit walls.
- Mm.
- I thought the shit was broke.
I was ready to send it back.
Then I woke up one day,
and the shit was working.
Turns out, the walls were information.
Every wall was teaching it where to go
and where not to.
[crunching]
- Okay, Yoda.
- [laughs]
Alright. I'm a Roomba.
- Come on.
- Yay. [laughs]
- [radio clicks]
- [Patti] [on radio] Patti for Mel.
Pickup at B35.
[sighs] Roger that, on my way.
I don't know why she's such a bitch.
[Patti] [on radio]
Uh, you're still pressing the talk button.
- I know.
- [laughs]
I gotta go.
Oof!
When you gonna give that up?
Okay, one wall at a time.
[laughs] That's fair.
Plus, if I quit, you'll figure out
that the only reason why I come down here
is for your little metaphors.
- I got a million of 'em.
- Ooh.
- [upbeat music playing]
- And your chips.
And crumbs.
Mm, good.
- ["Five Seconds" by Twin Shadow playing]
- [train rumbling]
No, I'm serious!
We've all have thought about
having sex at work, right?
- [Allie] Mm-hmm.
- I just didn't think I would do it
- on top of or near charcuterie.
- Ew.
- The sausage goes inside, not under.
- Thank you!
As God is my witness, I am never, ever
dating anyone at work again.
Well, your boyfriend,
Jackie D's gon' fix it.
- Mm, he been helping me fix it all day.
- [Allie/Tamika] Mm-hmm.
- [glasses clink]
- Thank you.
Alright, let's ruin this fruit man's life!
I got his Facebook, LinkedIn,
and Venmo up. Let's do this.
- No! [laughs]
- Okay. Calm down! [laughs]
- I'm so ready.
- I know, I appreciate you,
but karmically, I ain't got no more
cards to play.
So, if you wanna help me,
- you can update my HiveMind profile.
- Dassit?!
- Yes!
- Look, I hit a wall today, but
I'ma keep going.
- I'm proud of you. [laughs]
- Aw, thank you. [laughs]
Uh, you have no full-body pics on this.
Um, that's because they already know
what's on the outside of that.
[grunts]
Alright, hold on,
I think I have something that will work.
Okay, have you had sex at the bar?
Okay, that was a long pause! [laughs]
I got it. My finest work. Mel,
meet Mel 2.0.
[weak laugh]
Wow.
- [laughs]
- Okay, legs. I'm stealing that top.
Wow. Alright, let's put
this picture to work y'all.
[laughter]
[sharp exhale]
- Here we go.
- [Tamika] Nope.
- [Allie] He's cute.
- [Melissa] He's 24!
- Not with the teeny-weeny beanie.
- [Tamika] What? Ew!
Get away from the life coaches.
That's just drug dealers.
Okay, if he has that
many scarves, he don't need me.
- No, no, no, that's a life coach.
- Okay. No,
the fish, if he was cooking it.
- [Allie] Oh. He's got soulful eyes.
- [Tamika] He's cute. Mm.
[scoffs]
There's no way to forget it all ♪
[chuckles] It's my brother.
- [hoarse laugh]
- [Tamika] Why is that so funny?
He's married.
I'm not trying to make you cry ♪
♪♪
I don't believe it ♪
You don't believe in me ♪
So, how could you make me cry? ♪
There's no way to forget it all ♪
I don't know why ♪
But I'm not trying to make you cry ♪
Five seconds in your heart ♪
Straight to the heart ♪
I can't get to your heart ♪
[song ends]
[fanfare playing]