How to with John Wilson (2020) s01e04 Episode Script

1
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JOHN WILSON:
Hey, New York.
If you're like me,
your pet slowly destroys
every single piece of furniture
that you bring inside
of your apartment.
This is Baby,
and she is
a vicious little rascal
that aggressively claws
and, um,
vomits on everything I own.
This makes it hard
to shop for anything nice.
Because it's guaranteed
that I won't be able
to preserve my furniture
for longer
than a couple of months.
There's a bunch of things
you could do to deter your cat
from defiling your stuff,
but a lot of them
have mixed results.
You could try to coat
your furniture in citrus,
which cats, uh, supposedly hate.
But if you also hate
the smell of lemon, uh,
this can be a cruel punishment
for the both of you.
You can try putting tape
over their favorite areas.
But this may end up causing
the animal to relocate
to new areas on your furniture
that, uh,
aren't covered in tape.
You can try getting
a scratching pole, uh,
but they might not end up
using it at all.
But that's okay,
because you can always turn it
into a hat rack
(TRUMPET BLARING)
JOHN: A hat rack.
So, if none
of these options work,
and you find yourself
just counting down the days
until one of you passes away,
furniture covers
might be your best bet.
So buckle up, buster,
because things are about to get
pretty wet, pretty wild.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
JOHN:
Now, a lot of people think
that plastic furniture covers
are unsightly
and will judge you
for your choice.
So, before you do anything
you might regret,
uh, first you're gonna need
to be confident
in your sense of taste.
(QUIET MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Everyone likes to think
that they have good taste,
but this is impossible,
because you can't have
good taste without bad taste.
What is beautiful to you
might be revolting
to someone else.
And it's almost impossible
for good and bad taste
to peacefully coexist.
This is what makes people
who use plastic covers,
uh, such a rare breed.
They buy
very dignified furniture,
worthy of a showroom
or a museum,
but in order to extend its life,
have decided to cover it
with one of
the most inelegant materials
known to man humankind.
But at the same time,
any lifestyle depraved enough
to require a permanent shield
against liquids
is, uh, worthy of respect.
(MUSIC ENDS) ♪
This plastic covering
has been on here
for 40 straight years.
Never been off, ever.
-JOHN: Forty years?
-Forty years.
JOHN: It does look like
it's in very good condition.
-This has plastic too.
-CARMELA: This has plastic here.
JOHN: But there's nothing
on top over here.
You don't feel anxious, um,
sitting on the couch
without any covers?
I don't,
because she put the, uh,
the slipcover on.
-CARMELA: Yeah, no.
-It's just that it's
-pretty worn in.
-CARMELA: Yeah, no.
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
JOHN: Where'd you get
this furniture?
Uh, we got it special made.
It came from Italy.
JOHN: The furniture
is from Italy?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-JOHN: Oh,
that sounds expensive.
-(MONA LAUGHS)
There was a summer,
I was eating
I sat here eating
a tub of coffee ice cream,
and I (CHUCKLES)
I spilled it on the furniture.
What about you?
What have you spilled here?
Oh I have
never spilled anything.
-JOHN: Oh, really?
-Yeah.
-JOHN: Oh, wow.
-I'm very careful.
The single most important thing
is the protection
of the furniture.
So we can have furniture
that we can keep
for 40, 50 years!
(ALL LAUGHING)
I bet if we take
one of these off, you know,
these would be
brand new under there.
Yeah, I don't mind.
They they have zippers,
like you can remove it.
(PLASTIC CRINKLING)
Let's see.
-Mona, be careful.
-Mm-hmm.
Not even a speck of dust!
-CHUMADAT: See!
-JOHN: Wow.
The last time you sat on that
was 20 years ago?
-Wow, this is
-Me? Yeah, about 20 years ago.
-JOHN: This is risky.
-MONA: Sit, Lala.
-Good girl!
-JOHN: Oh, wow.
Don't get used to it.
Seems like you guys got it
figured out. This is nice.
I feel Oh, what is that?
-I see a little chip.
-MONA: Oh, no!
-JOHN: Did that just happen?
-INDRANIE: Oh, no.
JOHN: It seems like most people
cover their furniture
to make sure it stays
in mint condition.
So, if your stuff
is already trashed,
uh, you'll need to start
by buying something
that's worth preserving.
Thankfully, New York
has millions of seats
to choose from.
This city is a brothel
of exotic chairs,
and once you're finally back
in the market,
uh, you'll notice that each one
is desperately trying
to seduce you.
(SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Ooh.
Mm-hmm.
A-ha.
Hm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Oh.
Uh-huh.
Oh.
Ooh.
(MUSIC STOPS) ♪
JOHN: So once you find
a piece of furniture
that's, uh,
worthy of preserving,
uh, just do a very, uh, quick
bedbug check, uh, just in case,
and go to the cashier
and ring it up.
(CLEARS THROAT)
And then you're gonna roll it
straight to
the plastic cover store.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
And hand it off to the guy
who's gonna make it for you.
PLASTIC COVER MAKER:
This is a 16-gauge plastic.
-JOHN: Sixteen gauge,
so how thick is that?
-PLASTIC COVER MAKER: Yeah.
That's
That's the thickness of
of the plastic.
JOHN: How do you think
this is gonna look with it?
This is gonna look dope.
JOHN: Cool.
Do you cover
your own furniture at home?
No.
(MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
JOHN: Every cover they make
is one of a kind,
and the plastic should fit
your chair like a glove.
Like a glove, bro!
JOHN: So,
after you roll it home,
uh, get a couple of thin
but kind friends
to to help you, uh,
move it up the stairs.
(MUSIC ENDS) ♪
But when you finally get it
into your apartment,
it may look a little weird
next to all your other stuff.
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
And despite the fantasy
you've always had,
the thrill of pouring salsa
on it,
uh, wears off after a few weeks.
And even if your landlord thinks
the covers are nice
LANDLADY: Oh
JOHN:
This one's covered in plastic.
Nice.
JOHN: Your friends
still may call you names
for having plastic covers
when they come over to hang out.
It also gets extremely hot
when it's warm out,
and I wouldn't recommend
sitting on it
while you're in the buff.
And although your cat
won't want to go anywhere
near this material,
uh, neither will you.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
When we try
to domesticate animals,
we expect them
to play by our rules,
but it's not always
in their nature to play along.
And people even try
to control animals
outside of their house too.
Almost everywhere
you look in New York,
you can see stuff designed
to prevent animals
from making their mark.
(QUIET MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
These things are here
to stop birds.
These things are here
to stop dogs.
These things are here to
that that's for stopping rats,
I think.
But they still let the pigs go
wherever they want.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
When I walk to work
every morning,
there's a tiny little staircase
that gives me
a half-second shortcut
on my way to the office.
I see a lot of other people
naturally do it too,
but for some reason,
the building management decided
that this was a huge nuisance,
and put up a fancy red rope
to stop people
from walking down a single step
in front of their lobby.
Now, everyone needs to make
a full right-angle turn
when, uh, they walk past
the building,
potentially taking away years
of your precious life.
I assume it's because
of some kind of liability,
but to me it seemed more
about the raw power
that comes with controlling
ten feet of a private corner
in a high-end neighborhood.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
And the more I looked around,
the more I noticed
all the other ways
that the city treats everyone
like animals.
They put sharp stuff
on the tops of these
so that nobody sits on them.
They put these little
metal things on ledges,
uh, so that skateboarders
can't grind.
And they recently started
making the dividers
on the subway benches
even taller,
so that it's even harder
to lay down on them.
Some people even designed
very crude,
uh, homemade, uh, solutions
to the human problem.
This all seems to be a way
to discourage undesirables
from using
our beloved public space.
And when you look
at all of it together,
it's almost like the city
is trying to tell you something.
But like any species,
we always just find new areas
to conquer,
climbing to dangerous elevations
in search of refuge.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Humans will go through
a lot of trouble
just to make themselves
feel like
they're in control
of their environment.
When I was a teenager,
my secret treasure
was the full set
of action figures from, uh,
the hit motion picture
The Matrix,
mint in the box.
It gave me
the emotional armor I needed,
even though nobody, uh,
really cared that I had them.
At the time,
I was too old to play with them,
but too young to cash out.
And now they're somehow
worth less
than what I originally, uh,
paid for them.
I can't remember
why this ever made me happy,
but I knew that I wasn't
the only one
who engaged in behavior
like this.
Anyway, so I heard that you had
a pair of shoes
that you take
really good care of.
-So, these are my red bottoms.
-JOHN: Oh, wow.
JULISSA:
Signed by Christian Louboutin.
JOHN: Wait, do you
so you keep them right here,
-all the time?
-JULISSA: Mm-hmm.
JOHN: Wow.
Do you ever take them out?
-They These I won't wear ever.
-(LAVANNA FUSSING)
JOHN: You won't wear these ever?
You've never worn these?
-JULISSA: No. No.
-JULISSA'S HUSBAND: No.
JOHN: Why do you think
people want to keep things
in perfect condition?
Who wants something beat up
and and and destroyed?
Um, then it's
it's meaningless.
You know, the opportunity or
or the ability to kinda
keep it intact and
and in its original shape
to then pass it on
over to generation or
Yeah, or to have it
as a showcase,
something to talk about
when we have people over.
-(LAVANNA FUSSING)
-And people could see it
(LAVANNA SHOUTS)
and love it, appreciate it.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JOHN: Sometimes material things
are so precious to people
that they go so far
as to make duplications
of their possessions.
I heard that there are
even art collectors
who do this
with their paintings
to avoid having to hang
the original on their walls.
Many clients will do
what's called
a commissioned reproduction.
Basically making a
a copy of it,
and then they may put
the copy up on their walls,
and put the actual work
in a storage facility
where it can remain safe.
JOHN: Oh, wow.
If you have a, you know,
a 30-million-dollar
Van Gogh painting,
then the stress of having
that painting on the wall
may really not be worth it.
And if you can lock it away
until it's time to sell it,
and you can still have that
piece in your house
and look at it and enjoy it
and have your friends
look at it,
then, you know, you're
you're benefiting from it.
JOHN: Do you have any animals?
-No.
-JOHN: Why not?
Um, because I don't like having
to go home
in time for dinner to feed them.
I did like horses
when I was little.
I rode them
until I got allergic.
JOHN: Maybe being too precious
about an object
can actually just make you
enjoy it less
and create
a low, simmering anxiety
that you can never escape.
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I was out driving
with a friend the other day,
and he was trying to find a
a touch-free car wash.
He's real He r
He cares a lot about
the condition of his car,
and he absolutely refused to go
to a normal car wash
uh, with brushes.
After finding a place
on Atlantic Avenue
that looked like it had
a touch-free cleaning,
uh, he, uh, got in line
and waited his turn.
Only when he reached
the end of the line
did he realize
that it was actually
a touch-full car wash.
And they And a lot of stuff
touches your car in it.
And when he demanded
to be let out,
they told him that the only way
to exit was through the brushes.
I thought It says touch-free
on the end though.
JOHN: He completely lost it.
COLE: Fucking ruining
my fucking car.
JOHN: Immediately after,
he bought gallons
of bottled water
to wash off the car himself.
He was inconsolable,
and we drove the rest
of the way home
in complete silence.
(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JOHN: I was really starting
to question
if protecting my chair
was healthy behavior.
But I knew that Baby would just
start destroying my chair
the moment I took it off.
The last resort for most people
is to completely
declaw your cat.
This is a deeply traumatizing
procedure
that permanently disfigures
your animal
and radically transforms
their personality.
They actually recently
made it illegal
to declaw your cat
in New York
uh, I think.
I could never do that to my cat,
because not only is it inhumane,
but she's extremely good
at catching the mice
that hide behind my collection
of tapes in my apartment.
(THUDS)
We're an unstoppable team,
and I could never alter
her evolutionary gifts
for my convenience.
(MUSIC ENDS) ♪
I wanted to see if there was
anything in the pet store
that I hadn't thought of.
But as I walked to the Petco
in Union Square,
I saw a mobile billboard
that seemed to be spreading
an anti-circumcision message.
And they even had a disturbing
replica of a baby as a prop.
This clamp, what it does
is it entraps the foreskin
in between two pieces of metal,
and when the doctor applies
the screw and the thumbwheel,
it exerts over two tons of force
on the foreskin,
because the purpose of that
is to crush it,
and they want the blood
to coagulate under the skin.
When this happens to a baby,
they're screaming
the whole time.
They're screaming
for their life.
JOHN: I had never met
a more passionate advocate
for keeping covers on.
He was so sure that we needed
this kind of protection.
What I like to talk about
is what are the benefits
of foreskin.
And that is, you know,
foreskin offers
what we call the four powers.
Pleasure, protection,
lubrication and connection.
You know, there's an old motto,
"If it ain't broke,
don't fix it."
And nature put foreskin
on our bodies for a reason.
And women have foreskin too.
JOHN: Uh
(QUIET MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Maybe some coverings
are nature's gift,
and it's a mistake
to remove them.
But there's a lot of stuff
we do to our children
before they have
the ability to consent.
And it's hard to say
whether or not
they'll resent you for it, uh,
when they grow up.
We teach them to worship
certain things.
We pierce their ears
so they look glamorous.
We give them names
that they have to live with
for the rest of their lives.
And for the first time,
it struck me that my life
might have been different
if I hadn't been circumcised.
Was I missing out
on a world of pleasure
I didn't even know about?
Maybe if my genitals
were intact,
I would have had to shower
more often growing up,
and that would have, uh,
got me invited to more parties.
And with all
that extra confidence,
uh, I could have been a
a doctor by now.
Or an Olympic athlete.
Or a judge.
(MUSIC ENDS) ♪
But maybe there was still hope.
The anti-circumcision guy
had told me about his friend,
uh, that made a product designed
to restore your foreskin.
So I decided
to pay the guy a visit
and see what it was all about.
So, this is our home.
My family, uh, lives here,
I raised my daughters here.
And in the basement of this home
is the TLC Tugger production
facility.
JOHN: What a space.
Not only did he make every
foreskin restoration device
by hand,
but he was also a musician
and wrote an entire album
about circumcision.
(ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFFS) ♪
(SINGING) You talked
Bill Gates out of a few ♪
Hard-earned simoleons ♪
To do a so-called study
Where you cut some Africans ♪
But it's still clear
That condoms ♪
Are the best form
Of prevention ♪
Now that you've failed
Who will heal those angry men? ♪
I'm gonna tug and grow
My foreskin back again ♪
I'm gonna tug and grow
My foreskin back again ♪
So, I'm presently wearing
a retaining cone.
JOHN: Oh, okay.
RON LOWE: But that's not
an active source of tension.
That's not gonna grow you
enough skin
so that you look like
an intact guy.
JOHN: So what's the tension
How how do you
create the tension?
So, to create tension,
you need to tug,
and for that you need
a tugging device like this one.
-JOHN: Okay.
-RON: This is the TLC Tugger.
I place it against
the head of my penis,
force my skin
up onto the conical surface.
-JOHN: Uh-huh.
-RON: So this will clip
to my device,
and then the weight
will dangle in my pants.
JOHN: Okay.
RON: So there, I've clipped
that same string to my device.
I'm gonna put my pants on,
and the weight
is hanging down
where gravity
can still act upon it
instead of resting
in the thigh area of my pants.
-JOHN: Oh, okay.
-So this weight is gonna
keep working on me,
uh, all day
because it's hanging freely
because of that string.
Anybody else in the house need
a grapefruit-flavored seltzer?
(ICE DISPENSER WHIRRING)
(GLASSES CLINKING)
RON: Coming right up.
(ICE DISPENSER WHIRRING)
-RON: Cheers.
-JOHN: Oh, thank you.
So, with the pulley, uh,
I can move any old way
while I'm sleeping,
doing things involuntarily,
and the tension stays the same,
whereas with a shoulder strap,
if you curl up,
this the tension the slack
the strap goes completely slack.
JOHN: Does this ever bother
your wife,
this this cord in bed?
Every once in a while, uh,
I will do something
with my pulley
and lose the grip on it
(METAL CLANGING)
and make a loud noise
when she's asleep.
And she doesn't like that.
JOHN:
Uh, see anything good lately?
Uh, lately I just saw that,
uh
Oh my gosh, I'm so old.
Words escape me.
It's called Parasite!
-JOHN: Oh, yeah,
I liked Parasite.
-Oh, Parasite rocked.
JOHN: Yeah that was a really
a really great, uh
It was the perfect movie
because it was a morality tale,
it had virtue, it had vice,
it had, uh
oh, just don't get me started.
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JOHN: I was reading recently
that they're planning
on putting up a wall
around Manhattan
to combat the rising sea levels.
I guess it's tempting
to just put a cover on something
when you don't know
what else to do.
But maybe we just do it to avoid
having to face the real problem.
And it only gives us
the illusion of control
as the rest of our world
slowly falls apart.
(MUSIC ENDS) ♪
My friends hired
an interior designer recently,
uh, to help them
with their furniture problems,
and they let me, uh, hang out.
You We do, like,
very small chair,
or you could even do, like,
a cool, like, stool,
-or you know.
-Stool, yeah.
JOHN: And when I told her
about my plastic cover dilemma,
she saw the problem
a little differently.
I Again, I keep on
It's almost
a visual thing, like
But I think it's energy.
Like, even when I'm looking
at you right now,
I'm seeing a camera,
and I'm seeing you.
It's really interesting.
There's almost like a film
even between the two.
You're always used to having
some kind of
protective mechanism,
um, and I think in some ways,
the camera, it's done both.
It's the paradox.
I think it's connected you
more than ever with people,
but yet there's always, like,
a bit of a separation
and a bit of you that's,
like, apart from it.
It sounds maybe kooky,
but I would love for you
sometimes in your life to,
like, in your head, be like,
"I should put the camera down
right now in this situation.
I should just be John."
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JOHN: I finally felt confident
heading into the future,
with or without a cover.
Nature gives things character,
and anything that happens
to our stuff along the way
is evidence
of a well-lived life.
And for the first time,
I wasn't worried at all
about my furniture
getting destroyed.
Because I hired a fabricator
to make a commissioned, uh,
reproduction of my chair
that is an identical copy
of the original piece.
So now, while my cat slowly
annihilates the replica chair
that sits in my apartment,
I can finally rest easy,
knowing that the original chair
that I love is safe and secure
in a temperature-controlled
storage facility in Canarsie.
And even though I may never sit
in it ever again,
at least I know that I could.
This is John Wilson.
Thanks for watching.
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
(ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFFING) ♪
RON: (SINGING)
I wish my parents
Had defied conformity ♪
Preserved my pleasure part
So I could feel it glide ♪
That amputation
Won't prevent an STD ♪
And infants aren't at risk ♪
Why steal
His right to decide? ♪
I don't want much ♪
Just want
My foreskin back again ♪
No, it's not TMI ♪
I shared it
'Cause we're friends ♪
My parents chose this road
But I'll choose where it ends ♪
Don't I deserve it all? ♪
Gonna grow it back again ♪
Grow it back again ♪
I'm gonna fix me ♪
It's gonna take some time
But I can grow an inch a year ♪
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(FLITTERING MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
JOHN WILSON: When you work up
the courage to look at the bill,
you find yourself wondering
how it's costing you 30 bucks
for a pierogi and a seltzer.
(MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪