Huge in France (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

1 [GAD.]
Okay.
[MUMBLES IN FRENCH.]
- Hey! Bonjour.
- Jerry, this is Gad.
He's opening for you.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
- Very nice to meet you.
I'm so honored.
Wow.
It's like, you know - I'm a big fan.
- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you for this opportunity.
- Sure.
- And welcome to Paris.
- Oui, monsieur.
- Oh, merci.
Merci beaucoup.
- Oui.
They actually call him the Seinfeld of France.
Yeah.
Jerry, how much time can I do before your show? - Whatever.
Whatever you want.
- Really? - What is he? - He's Gad.
- Yeah.
- They call him the Seinfeld of France.
Who does? Everyone does here in France.
The press, the fans.
They all Oh - I don't understand.
- No, it's good.
It's good.
It's just It's They see me - as you.
- If you're me, who am I? Well, you're still you.
- But you're also me.
- Of France.
But we're in France.
So, I don't So, it's me and then me on the show? No.
It's me and then you.
But I'm still me and you're still you.
- It's - Right.
If I wasn't here you would be me? Well, to them.
Yeah, who did this? - I can find out.
- Yeah.
Can you change that? Could you be somebody else "of France"? - Okay, I - Okay? I don't know how I could - You could.
- Yeah, maybe.
- Yeah, I mean.
- He'll help you.
- I don't know how - And keep it to ten.
- Ten minutes? - Tight.
Merci.
episode four [MEXICAN THEME PLAYS.]
- You found this where? - In our bathroom trash.
That is so fucking weird, right? I mean Who would've been in our bathroom trash? I can still see the adhesive on your lip, Jason.
You're acting again, aren't you? - What? - Jason.
I Okay, I couldn't help it.
It was for Marco, babe.
It was for Marco.
You got an audition for Me Llamo Marco? Yes, I got a fucking - How? You don't have an agent.
- Yes.
Yeah? Well, guess what.
Guess what.
Ryan Lasky, SVP of casting from Fox - called me direct.
- Okay.
- Check it out, recent call log - All right.
- Fine.
- Fox Studios right there.
And guess what, I fucking nailed it.
Oh, like you fucking nailed Dexter? Or was it more like how you fucking nailed Franklin & Bash? Wow.
Wow.
- What? - You know, I could really Use a little of you believing in me right now.
Okay.
Well, you know, it's just that you said that you were done with all of this nonsense.
- Look, this is fucking Marco.
- [LUKE.]
He said a lot of things and now his fat mouth cost me Sunglass Hut.
What? Yeah, he forgot to email Gad the hair instructions.
And I had paste in and Chaz refused to work on me.
- Are you kidding me? - Okay, in my defense That was Marco.
That was a Marco fuck up.
Please tell me that this is not because Marco died in the 90s.
He didn't know what email was.
Exactly.
Did you even pay the deposit for my surgery? Did Marco fuck that up also? Oh, come on, Jason.
You promised him.
See, this is why you can't handle acting.
You go too far with it.
There is no such thing as going too far! Come on.
Let's go.
Let's get out of here.
[BRIAN.]
Did you check your junk folder, here? [GAD.]
I checked all the folders.
I never got this email.
Sadly, Luke thinks you did and that's all that matters.
- Right? Perception is truth.
- La perception, c'est la vérité.
- What does that mean? - No, forget it.
Oh, okay.
It's gone.
Oh, I got something that might cheer you up.
Here.
- "Gary Edwards"? - Yeah, it's as anonymous as it gets.
Hundreds in LA alone.
So, if you just swipe through and you heart the ones you like and you X the ones you don't.
So, you just heart them and then we go out.
If they heart you back.
That's right.
That way everyone's cards are on the table.
We don't have another Heather situation.
- Oh, it's a situation, now? - Yeah, we've taken it up to It went from an incident to a situation.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know, Gad.
As good as he is, I don't think now is the best time.
What I'm saying is dicks are different all over the world no matter where you're going, right? Like this guy right here.
Where you from? - Miami! - Miami.
Okay, always sweaty.
Just gross as shit.
Swamp dick.
Do you know what I mean? - What about you? - Germany.
Germany? You're not from Germany.
Get out of here.
Okay, always hard.
Rock hard.
Do you know what I mean? Chris? - Hey.
- C'est Gad.
- I'm a comedian, too.
- Okay.
- I'm from France.
- Okay, cool.
I was here the other night.
Remember when you did the dick joke about me? I don't know, I have a lot of dick jokes, bro.
Yes, about that.
- That's what I - That's the whole point, though, right? You're making a commentary on dick jokes.
- Exactly, he gets it.
- Yeah, but I don't get it.
Yeah, I don't know.
It's subtle.
You know.
I'm not trying to cram it down people's throats and make them gag on it.
I also don't do that with my comedy.
[LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
A dick joke within a bigger dick joke.
What's the bigger dick joke? I really think you're overthinking the balls off of this whole thing.
I mean, they got to laugh.
Who cares.
What Who the fuck are you again? Oh, he's the Seinfeld of France.
- He used to be.
- Okay.
Well, maybe if you were the Seinfeld of here, my dick might be hard right now.
But, you're not.
So it's not.
Wow, Power exit.
Cigarette flick.
Door.
Gone.
The Seinfeld of here would make his dick hard.
Gad.
Don't go where I think you're going.
Brian, I need you to call Seinfeld.
That's not a call, Gad.
- That's called a cold call.
- Yes, but no, he knows me.
I opened for him in Paris.
Wait.
So, the Seinfeld of France - opened for Seinfeld in France? - Yes.
And that's what caused a lot of the problems.
So, you want me to call Jerry Seinfeld and ask him to tell Chris D'Elia that his dick jokes are What are we asking him to do? Brian, just have him call me back.
That's it.
Okay? Look, Gad.
I know this really sucks.
I mean, D'Elia doesn't respect you at all and you don't get his dick hard and Jerry Seinfeld does.
But I think we got to let this one go.
No.
You call him.
Because if you fix this, you gonna make my dick hard and that is your job.
Okay.
[JASON.]
And I know I know I fucked up and I'm sorry for that.
But I honestly think when the dust settles, we're all going to think it was worth it.
I mean, I'm going to hear from them any minute.
Lukey.
I mean, the guard at the gate, he thought I was Marco.
How'd he let you in? Didn't he need to see an ID? What? Yes, wasn't the drive-on under your name? [NERVOUS LAUGH.]
You guys are focusing I mean, does it matter? Was Marco driving your truck? - No, Marco doesn't drive.
- Marco doesn't drive.
Plus those studios are so strict.
You can't just like - Okay, guys.
Stop.
- He thought you were Marco? Don't poke holes in everything.
The holes are being poked, J, because it doesn't make sense! Okay? It's fucking pathetic.
[SIGHS.]
You need to pull your shit together, Jason.
I mean, we're trying to have a baby, for God's sake.
- I know.
I'm right there with you.
- Are you? Yes, it's all I'm thinking about.
Okay.
Well prove it.
Take a shower, brush your teeth, meet me upstairs in five.
So, I left a message with Jerry.
Now? It's late, no? Yeah, but he could be anywhere in the world.
He's Jerry Seinfeld.
That's him.
- Hello.
Bonjour.
C'est Gad.
- Sir, do not lunge at me.
- Lunge? I don't lunge.
- This is what I mean, no boundaries.
- What? - Let me see your ID, please.
- Okay, but - I got it here.
Here.
Do you have anything from this country? No, because I am - Here illegally? - No.
Let me explain.
- Hey! What are you doing? - What? - Spread your legs! - Sir, okay.
I was going for my phone to show you the clip of Gad.
I'm calling my dad.
You're out, Kurihara.
You're out of the Tropicanyon.
[JASON AND VIVIAN GRUNTING.]
- Are we close? - Oh, yeah.
Any second.
Fuck.
Come on.
Man.
Did you go soft again? Do you want to just do it yourself and then put it in at the last second? [VIV.]
Are you checking your phone right now? What? No! No.
[PHONE VIBRATES.]
Jason Alan Ro Jason Alan Ross.
It's mine, dummy.
Hello.
Brian? [JASON.]
Ryan? Ryan Lasky? - Is that Ryan Lasky? - Who? The SVP of casting at Fox.
Why would he be calling me? For me! What are you thinking? - What's up? - Is that WiFi or 5G? Oh my God.
No, yeah.
Okay, I'm on my way.
Give me just a couple of minutes.
Okay? It was WiFi, wasn't it? Is it possible I got kicked off the You're stalking your neighbor? No.
I'm not stalking.
I It's a misunderstanding.
Well, you're lucky they're gonna let you go.
Really? On condition that you stay with me and that you don't come within 500 feet of that woman.
Is Luca gonna be okay with that? He hates me.
Yeah.
Well, he hates Jason more right now.
- What? - For fucking up the Sunglass Hut shoot.
Right.
He forgot to send you the email.
Yeah! - Yeah.
- Yeah.
As if - He had one thing to do.
- He had one job.
One job to send an email and he - he fucked it up big time.
- I know.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
It's really Thank you.
You're welcome.
I'll meet you there.
Okay.
Yeah.
I'm not even going to ask.
This was your apartment? Yeah.
The place I got for you fell through last second.
So, I didn't wanna tell you on the first day and I improvised.
Why? I figured you'd hate it.
Maybe stay a night, max.
And where have you been living? Right here.
The old beast.
Brian.
Okay.
You know what? Let's go to Vivian's.
You're gonna stay there.
It's gonna be much nicer and comfortable.
Okay? Seriously? Thank you, Gad.
You're a generous soul.
Let's go.
[GAD.]
It's better, right? [BRIAN.]
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
Definitely.
Oh my God.
Plenty of space.
Yeah, it looks like it.
Anywhere, anywhere on the driveway.
Just, you know - Oh! - make yourself comfortable.
- Oh, yeah.
Out here.
- It's very wide.
Yeah.
- Okay? - Cool.
Yeah.
Thank you.
This is much better.
- Yeah.
Goodnight.
- Yeah.
Goodnight! Hey, do you need something? Water? Oh, you know, there's a hose over there, so You don't need a pillow, maybe? No, I got some clothes I can bundle up and I can lay on.
- Yeah, you're Okay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
- Bye bye.
Okay.
Oh, sorry.
How stupid of me! No.
When you're settled, please.
Luggage? Inside.
- Okay? - Oh, yeah.
Of course.
- Thank you, baba.
- Oh, you're welcome.
Baba.
Okay, so this is just for tonight.
All right.
God, you're lucky you didn't get deported.
Thank you, again.
Really.
Yeah.
And look, I have a retreat starting here tomorrow, so you need to be gone first thing.
No problem.
I'll be gone.
I don't want to be you know part of your "EXhale" retreat.
- Good.
- [LUKE.]
Mom! Where's that dumb fuck? [WHISPERS.]
Oh! Shit, it's me? - No.
Jason.
- What's he doing here? He got kicked out of his place for harassing his neighbor.
No.
Not harassing, please.
They said stalking, and it was a misunderstanding.
Whoa.
Whatever.
This is so fucked.
Who's taking me to the gym? I just ate five chicken breasts, if I don't get there soon This protein's going nowhere.
Well, Jason's not here and I'm about to start a live Facebook Q&A.
Oh my God.
Well, I can take you.
I can take him.
It's not just taking me.
It's spotting me.
It's recording my reps and sets.
You have to cross-reference those numbers with last night's numbers.
It's not that easy.
It's really not.
Jason has this whole spreadsheet.
I can do it.
You're gonna make dumb jokes all the time? I told you.
I don't do this anymore.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Cinq.
How many was that? Trois quat It's three of the sets.
And 12 of the reps.
That's right.
So, I heard it was Jason who forgot to send the email.
Mom told you that? Look, I don't know what's going on with that dude.
His brain is all freaking scrambled and now I'm never getting the surgery.
Are you still doing this? Even if we talked about it and everything.
Yeah, I know.
It's what's underneath the pecs that counts.
Okay? You can just save your breath.
It's not happening anymore.
It doesn't matter.
Why it doesn't happen? - What happened? - I guess Jason doesn't have the money.
Which means I can just kiss New York goodbye and, in doing so, kiss the whole thing goodbye.
Jason does have the money.
He was gonna split his half.
Yeah, well his residual check from JAG never came in.
All right.
I don't know.
I don't want to talk about it.
Huh So, JAG.
That was a TV series about lawyers in the Navy.
It starred David James Elliott.
They all have three names like that all the time? - Sometimes, yeah.
- Okay.
And a residual check, right? That's a payment for repeat airings.
Actors get those for the life of the show.
Oh, okay.
Well at least no more pecs.
He can't afford it.
Wow.
This is another huge blunder for Jason.
I mean, he is on the ropes, boy.
Who? Where? You don't know what that means, do you? - No.
- Oh, yeah.
Well Okay.
It's like he is in a corner, right? He's getting hit.
He's wobbly.
But don't you get it? You've got the knockout punch.
- I do? - Yeah.
Look, you step in.
Offer to pay for the surgery and save the day.
Jason's down for the count.
But I don't want him to get the surgery.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
All we're committing to now is a deposit to hold the day.
- Yeah.
But he still can get it.
- I don't know.
You know? I saw that swelling.
It doesn't go down right away.
- How do you know? - I just know.
I just know.
You're gonna have at least six weeks to talk him out of it.
Think about how close you'll get to him.
All the time you'll spend with him.
Connecting with him, gaining his trust.
And then talk him out of it? You went to the gym with him? And you knew about this? You were nowhere to be found! I was running damage control.
I spent four hours on the phone with AT&T trying to get my signal right.
But you had signal for that? Outgoing is not the problem, babe.
It's incoming.
Unless the problem was on Fox's end.
Jason! Who gives a fuck about Fox or your cell phone? You're so busy worrying about all that bullshit, you couldn't get the money for my surgery.
I'm getting it! I still have until tomorrow.
- No, you're not! - [GAD.]
I will pay for the pecs.
What? Yeah.
If that helps him.
No.
You're not paying for any pecs.
I thought you said I shouldn't get them.
Well, I realized that if it's important for you then it's important for me.
Gad, it's a very generous offer.
We appreciate it, - but we're gonna have to decline.
- Yeah, I don't know about this.
But why? I'm paying for everything else.
He's right.
Luke, sidebar.
- What is sidebar? - Shh.
[WHISPERING.]
I got this, dawg.
You gotta trust me.
I'll have the money by tomorrow at the latest.
What if you get a call back? Then what? You're Marco and I'm just hung out to dry? You know what? You're right.
Fuck the other shit and fuck Marco.
This is what matters.
You and me taking this thing to New York.
Honestly, I don't even want it.
If they call me, I'm gonna pass.
Straight up.
Thank you, Mr.
Lasky, but no.
Thank you, sir.
I got a son to raise.
Boom.
I'm letting him pay.
What? [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
Pick it up.
- [VIV.]
Who is it? - [JASON.]
The number's not in my phone.
[LUKE.]
Fox Casting? Hello.
Can I speak with Mr.
Alan Ross, please? - This is him.
- Hey, J.
It's Shawn.
Over at NoHo Repro I was the guy in the doorway watching you jerk off? Yeah.
I know who you are.
- Is it him? - I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your load came back from the lab, and sadly, it's not viable.
Was it good or bad? You're sure about this? A hundred per cent.
Completely infertile.
Yeah.
Okay, that's That's great.
Thanks.
Sorry about the samples going to waste.
- I mean, not a complete waste.
- Yeah.
Me too.
Okay, bye bye.
So? Still in the running.
So, that was They make those kind of calls? Like at this time of night? Yeah.
I'm real happy for you, J.
[JASON.]
Luke Luke.
Luke.
I'm gonna go for a drive.
Well, thank you so much, Gad.
Brian, it worked! I got the knockout.
- Yeah.
- That's great! It was genius.
It went just like you said.
I offered the pecs and Jason went down under the - For the count.
- For the count! - Wow! - For the counts! He went down for the counts.
[PHONE BUZZING AND BEEPING.]
I don't believe this.
- What? - Jerry Seinfeld wants to FaceTime.
C'est Gad.
- Give me the phone.
- Okay, here.
- Hey, Jerry.
- The Ray Romano of France? How did you know about that? Your assistant.
How long have you been doing that? Ever since you said to change it.
You know?  Anyway, the reason why I called you, Jerry And people like it? Yeah.
Listen, Jerry.
Do you know this guy comedian, Chris D'Elia? He does dick jokes.
I don't know about that.
And Ray's okay with it? - With the dick jokes? I don't know.
- No.
You using his name.
Oh, yeah.
He loves it.
Why? I don't know.
I think I kind of miss it.
I I feel like when I'm not in France, a little of me is still there.
Can we change it back? But - Hold on.
Hold on one second.
- Really, hold? I wouldn't be doing my job, though, if I didn't tell you, you have leverage.
- What do you mean? - Okay.
I love D'Elia, you know.
I think his dick joke commentary is the best in the game.
Really.
But Now, you have him in the corner.
You got one more knockout in you, champ? Jerry.
I'll change it back, but I need you to do me a favor.
What? How far is it? This whole thing was supposed to be five minutes.
Almost there, Jerry.
Hey, Chris! [SEINFELD.]
Oh my God.
This is embarrassing.
Yeah.
You said the Seinfeld of here would make your dick hard.
- That's what you said, right? - What? Yeah, it sounds like something I might say.
Because I have Jerry on on the phone now.
Hey, Jerry.
You wanna say hello? Hey, Chris.
Jerry, what's up? How you doing? So, shall we ask Jerry his opinion about your joke? Yeah.
Sure.
Why not? Okay.
Yeah so I was in the Comedy Store doing my set, and I was talking about dicks and I said, you know, I have a California dick which, is you know, in shape, tan, on the Atkins diet.
You know, and then I was saying if you had a New York dick, it would be very grimy and aggressive and it smells like piss.
And I asked Gad, right? I asked Gad, I was like, "Hey, where are you from?" - Yeah.
I said, I'm from France.
- Right.
And then I said, you know what French dicks are like.
Okay, no.
And then I said, "You!" That's the punchline, right? That's the punch.
Right, that was when everyone laughed.
Well, Jerry, what do you think? Well, Chris.
I don't know.
Gad, I can't do it.
It's funny.
It is a funny comment.
I like the comment.
- Yeah! - What? - What about our deal? - I'm sorry.
Thanks, Jer.
See you later.
What about Seinfeld of France? I don't know.
Maybe just leave it as it is.
- Gotta go.
- What? Hey, can you open the gate? Really? The door guy is in there or something.
It's right there, please.
Thanks.
Hey.
You okay? You didn't get it, did you? I don't know.
Thanks for believing in me, though.
So, you stormed off and took a three-hour drive because you found out you were still in the running? Or the weird thing you were doing for money fell through? The money stuff.
[VIV.]
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
All right? There's much more important things in life than pecs and Me Llamo Marco.
- No, I know, it's just - Much bigger stuff.
You know.
And speaking of bigger stuff We're still in my window.
- Come on.
- No, babe.
I'm not in the Yes, you are.
You're always Oh, look! They just come right off.
And I'll just get these little guys off of ya.
There.
See that? Right? Okay.
Come on, baby.
See? Don't you feel better already? This is good.
See? [VIV MOANING.]