Hullraisers (2022) s01e04 Episode Script
Party
1
♫ My party's on
♫ My party's on
♫ You gotta come
♫ My party's on
RAP IN JAPANESE
♫ Let's get the party started ♫
KNOCK AT DOOR
Auntie Toni, we have a problem.
No, we don't.
Everything's ready.
♫ I've done everything
♫ We're ready for the party. ♫
She's decided she's frightened.
WHISPERING: flamingos.
What? No, no, no, no.
No, I don't want
Hey, hey, hey, hey. No, no, no.
No, you're not, Grace.
We love them, remember?
That's we're having a birthday party
all about flamingos.
In half an hour,
when all your friends get here.
SHE SCREAMS
Craig, we have a problem.
♫ All right, all right
Give me strength
♫ Give me love. ♫
SHE SNIFFLES
KNOCK AT DOOR
Toni.
SHE MUTTERS
Go away!
Let's have a look. Go away!
OK. No, don't go away.
Oh, my God, you've had
a full-on breakdown, haven't you?
TONI SOBS
It's all gone wrong. Just fucking
Why does everything in my life
go wrong?
Was you trying to look like
Katy Perry?
Duh! Flamingo!
Oh, right.
No, cos Craig just said that, erm,
Grace has gone off flamingos.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Paula.
Yeah, she has. Totally out the blue.
Kids are twats.
They change their mind.
Told you should have
had it at McDonald's.
All the kids
get a toy and there's no washing up.
Paula, this is serious. Yeah.
I'm making memories.
I've got amazing memories
from when I was five.
What of?
My party.
Oh, for goodness' sake!
Get back downstairs now
and crack on.
You've got an actual party happening
in 22 minutes
and you're nowhere near ready.
Useless bloody hippie!
♫ Give me stre-e-ngth ♫
Up to the loft with this lot.
How do I look?
Like a freak.
Where's Grace?
She's outside with Ashley.
Party's ruined.
Oh, bollocks. Have a Frozen party!
Everyone loves a bit of Frozen.
No, no, not me. I'm a feminist.
I don't believe in princesses.
Fuck off! Parking a kid in front of
a princess movie for 90 minutes
of free baby-sitting?
You don't get
more feminist than that.
Frozen's so mainstream.
It's been done to death.
Like I wanted to give her a day
that was quirky and eclectic.
She'll remember this day
for the rest of her life.
She's five - she doesn't
remember to wipe her own arse.
No, I remember my fifth birthday -
Mam threw me an amazing
flamingo party.
Mum never threw us
a party in a whole life.
The only thing that she celebrated
was opening up a new bottle.
No, she did. Right, just because
you're older than me,
Paula, doesn't mean I don't
remember stuff too.
Mam was bloody brilliant that day.
OK, fine, whatever.
Listen, I'll go get Ashley's
old Frozen tat out the attic.
Let it flamin-GO!
That's not funny.
Yeah, it is. I got the funny genes.
Ashley, I know what I can say -
it's gonna be really, really funny.
MONKEY BEEPS AND GIGGLES
Don't worry, sweetie -
Daddy's making it all better.
GRACE ON RECORDING:
You're a cheeky monkey, and so am I.
Smell my trumps.
THEY LAUGH
Oh, Craig, this is sick.
I want one when it's MY birthday.
SHE MOUTHS
MONKEY BEEPS AND GIGGLES
ASHLEY ON RECORDING: Hello, Craig.
No-one under 70 wears a vest.
THEY LAUGH
Yeah.
HORN TOOTS
Fuck!
She's here, she's here. She's here.
Who?
Me mum. Oh, for
Oh, God. Archangel Gabriel,
please protect me.
If you get me a shirt out,
love, I'll iron it.
Oh, thanks, Mum.
What happened to your face?
Gloria,
I'm so glad you could make it.
Craig mentioned
you're having a disaster.
Did he?
Oh! That's funny because,
if anything, I'm having it
against the odd triumph.
I'm, erm, pivoting the party
so you could say.
In under half an hour?
Yeah.
That's a bit ambitious.
Have you phoned your entertainer?
We haven't booked anent
I was just informing
the entertainer,
actually, when you interrupted me
PHONE TAPS
Gloria.
Here we are, love. Oh, thanks, Mum.
Take it for me. Thanks.
DOORBELL RINGS
PANTING
Slow down. What's up?
I think I'm gonna be sick.
I need you to be my princess.
I don't feel very regal right now.
I gave evidence in court yesterday
and went out
with the prosecution lawyers
and we put away
a very dangerous man.
And a lot of prosecco. Rana,
I need you to be the entertainer
for the party. Oh!
Toni, this is a class-five hangover!
This is an emergency.
Oh!
And you are an emergency service.
I need to keep this on me
at all times, just in case.
Yeah, fine. I'll stick some glitter
on it and call it a royal bucket.
SHE HUMS TRIUMPHANTLY
How is that for pivoting the party?
Hey, hey, Rana. I'll text Paula, get
her to bring you something to wear.
Yeah. How am I gonna entertain
a bunch of kids?
Do you know any magic tricks?
Only very adult ones.
Rana, I sw All right, fine.
I'll think of something.
We haven't got long.
Kids are on their way.
Just need a minute with my bucket.
OK.
Yeah! Yeah!
Nice! Yeah.
Oh, Craig was just asking what's to
be done with your seagull cake.
Oh, seagull!
I knew it reminded me of something.
Flamingo!
It reminded you of a flamingo,
because that's what it is.
It's just the really small legs.
Craig, I swear to God
I would just put it out of
its misery, if I were you.
Would you like
to be humanely destroyed?
HIGH-PITCHED: No!
I want to be pivoted
into a princess cake!
Bur-kaw!
I could just take it outside
and shoot it.
No! No-one's destroying anything,
because a party's not a party
without a cake.
Oh!
I agree.
I thought it might be needed.
As a backup - that's all.
Oh, you thought it might be needed,
Gloria?
It's almost as if you knew
that the theme would change.
Woman's intuition.
So, I had a thought,
re entertaining the kids,
you know, I could do
my stranger-danger speech.
Rana.
Is she the entertainer?
Yeah.
Yeah, I do kids' parties
on my days off now. So
can you make this
into a sausage dog?
Course I can love.
Hold this.
PARPING
Is this a sick bucket?
Maybe.
A show woman never reveals
her tricks.
Excuse me. Thank you.
RANA COUGHS
At least Rana is here helping you.
Thank God!
Well, and Me.
Toni, yeah.
I've done quite a lot of it,
actually.
She's done loads. I just mean
because you're always SO busy
with your acting hobby.
It's not a hobby, Gloria.
It's a calling.
Oh! And have you been getting
many calls?
Right, you know what? You can f
Flamingos in the garden.
Let's hit the flamingos. So,
you're sure you don't want me to
Back in a minute.
Will you please calm down?
Crying out loud!
Can you not see?
What? She's just a bit shy.
Your mother is a psychopath in
Marks & Spencer's clothing, Craig.
Oh, you're being ridiculous.
No, I aren't. No, I
I bet you anything she is the one
who put Grace off flamingos.
Toni, you're being paranoid.
You always say that when I accuse
people of plotting against me.
She has assassinated
my flamingo party,
and now she wants to dance
on its grave. Flipping
Are you an actor, by any chance?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I am.
And I'm gonna deserve an Oscar
for keeping my face straight
for the next two hours.
I've got a ton of
fake Frozen gear in here.
Let's put some glittery tat
all over this bitch.
MUSIC: Paper Planes
by MIA
♫ If you catch me at the border
I got visas in my name
♫ If you come around here
♫ I make 'em all day ♫
Rana?
Rana?
MUSIC SLOWS AND STOPS
OK, Rana!
Rana, the kids will be here
in, like, 11 minutes.
You need to get changed.
I had a relapse
trying to make the balloon dog.
Yeah, well, stop relapsing
and look lively.
Paula brought you this.
RANA GROANS
Princess?
Oh!
What the fuck is that?
Well, it's Paula's wedding dress.
You remember her grinding Dane in it
to Man! I Feel Like A Woman!
Come on. I need to prove
you're the entertainer
so I can shove it
up Gloria's arsehole.
Sorry to interrupt
whatever this is but,
Rana, I need that duvet, mate.
What for?
Mum's turning me into Olaf. Dad?
What's the matter, darling?
WHISPERING: Her eyebrows
are scaring me.
Oh, right.
Yeah, your eyebrows are scaring her.
There's not much I can do
about that, is there?
I did suggest using wash-in wash-out
hair dye. Yeah, well,
I'm not a wash-in wash-out person.
You're gonna have to do something.
Your face is traumatising our child.
Get out.
Come on, baby, let's go.
Right. Er
Toni Oh!
SHE MOUTHS
Such a shame about the theme.
Grace was so excited
about flamingos.
She was telling me this morning.
You spoke to Grace this morning?
Yes, the little love called to make
sure I was coming to her party.
Didn't Craig mention it?
No, he didn't mention it.
Are you finished in here?
Goodbye.
I'm taking this.
I thought we were
going as princesses, not peasants.
Oh, yeah, I'm Cinderella, actually,
pre-makeover,
complete with an evil
stepmother-in-law.
Oh, right, and where are those mice
that you exploit for free lab our?
I was right about Gloria
sabotaging my party.
She spoke to Grace this morning.
Craig kept it from me.
Why would he do that?
Because he knew you'd get
all tinfoil-hat about it. No, no.
Because he's plotting against me
as well.
Him and Gloria are thick as thieves.
She's been on the phone to Grace
this morning,
making her scared of flamingos.
Oh, Christ, here we go.
Toni, for the last time, Mam never
threw you a flamingo party.
Yes, she bloody did. You don't
remember - your memory's shit.
Auntie Toni, I think
Grace just changed her mind.
Oh, Ashley. You're so naive.
You don't know
what people are capable of.
What do you think?
Woof! Woof!
Are you gonna get off your backside
at any point today?
Cos I don't know how
entertaining you can be lying down.
Entertaining lying down
is my speciality.
Toni, crack on sharpish, yeah?
Tick, tick, tick, Toni.
Will you be careful with that dress,
please?
It's got sentimental value.
Ashley was conceived in it. Mam!
Too much, Paula.
Oh, minging.
Right. Craig
I'm gonna this party back on track.
Stuff you, Gloria.
Craig?
Theme killer.
Whoops!
DOOR OPENS
Toni!
You did not just do that, Toni.
Yeah, I did, actually.
Because you ruined my party.
It's not YOUR party.
It's Grace's party.
It would've been a flamingo party
before you got to her
and talked her out of it.
I-I don't know what
you're talking about.
Don't play innocent with me, Gloria.
You might have Craig fooled
but you can't kid a kidder.
Toni! You know what?
It's not me that's got him fooled.
My Craig has to do everything
for Grace.
Mum! Yeah, yeah, he's miserable,
in't he? He's miserable!
It's a breath of fresh air when you
come over, Gloria, it really is.
It's a fucking relief! Stop it!
You're a failing actress
and a failing mother!
Oh, God!
Oh, Dane'll have that
if no-one else wants it.
Guys,
the kids are arriving in a bit.
Princess Elsa vibe's died,
hasn't it?
All gone a bit Blair Witch.
Never mind.
Let's all calm down.
That cake's all right,
you know, Gloria.
Ooh! I love Vicky sponge. Mm!
Victoria.
Toni
TONI SIGHS
Hey.
You all right?
How come everyone else can do it
and I can't? They can't.
Every mother on the planet
is one Colin The Caterpillar cake
away from a breakdown.
And anyone who says that they aren't
is a liar.
When I think about everything
Mam went through,
like struggling with addiction,
and she still managed to give me
a better fifth birthday party
than this.
Give over, Toni!
You sound like Phillip Schofield
introducing a new guest
on This Morning.
How do you not remember that party?
There were flamingos
hung on the washing line.
Mam never hung anything
on the washing line.
In fact,
she didn't even know how it worked.
I remember it so clearly, though.
Only me.
Paula said you were asking
about your fifth birthday.
What - do you remember it?
Oh, I remember everything clearly,
love.
I've got a mind like a steel trap,
me, in't it?
Were there loads of flamingos?
I can show you.
I've got everything on home video.
We don't have a video player.
No-one does, love.
I've had me archives digitised.
It's all on the cloud.
Toni!
Oh, my God!
Oh!
PAULA GIGGLES SOFTLY
Oh, my God!
Bloody hell!
Is that me?
Yeah. Yeah! Yeah!
THEY CHUCKLE
Hey.
Your dance moves haven't
changed much, have they, Tone?
Did our mam film this?
Don't be daft - it were me.
Look at that framing!
I'm Hull's Steven Spielberg, I am.
Yeah, I'd have kids
if I could guarantee
they'd turn out looking like that.
There! There, look.
There!
Flamingos.
Fuck me! I told you.
Mam was bloody brilliant that day.
She could be a tool but she pulled
it out the bag for me that day.
Auntie Toni, I really need
to tell you something.
Please can you come outside?
Aw, c-can we not?
Look,
I'm being really adorable here.
It's really important.
Cheers, Nima.
It's Ashley gonna break it
to Toni about her cake?
Someone needs to.
That thing's a shits how.
It was me who ruined the party,
Toni.
Earlier at the park,
Grace asked what a flamingo was,
so I showed her a YouTube video
of a little girl feeding one.
Only I didn't know, but
it attacks her. What?
SQUAWKING ON VIDEO
Oh!
SCREAMING ON VIDEO
Jesus Christ! The entire pigtail?
TONI GASPS
See? It's all my fault.
I ruined the party. I feel awful.
SHE SIGHS
It's not your fault, Ashley.
It's mine.
I should have asked Grace
what SHE wanted,
and then ignored that
and done a Frozen party.
That's what Mam used to do
at my parties.
It's her who loves Frozen, not me.
She's always singing Let It Go in
the bath and doing little farts.
She thinks we can't hear her.
That's gross.
Go on, then. Let's go back in.
Oh Gloria.
Your mam didn't put this party
together, and it weren't me, either.
Fuck off!
Is that you, Paula?
You were always there
for your little sis,
especially when your mam wasn't.
I did the party?
In't it?
Even gave yourself blisters
cutting out those flamingos
with my craft scissors.
It's gonna blow Toni's mind
when she sees this.
I'm gonna call her back in.
Hey, Toni, To
No. Don't.
I don't want her seeing this bit.
Nima, wipe it.
Our mam giving her this party's
Toni's one good memory of her.
Wipe it.
But it But it didn't happen.
SHE thinks it did, though.
And I'm not taking that from her.
Please, Nima wipe it.
Are you sure, love?
Yeah.
And neither of you dickheads
breathe a word.
Right?
Right.
SHE SIGHS
I'm Incepting that silly tart.
It's a lovely thing to do, Paula.
Where's Toni?
She's outside with Ashley.
Nima.
Gloria.
You on your way out somewhere?
You're very dressed up.
No. Just here.
It's a party, in't it?
Ooh.
Hang on.
There you go, love.
Your sausage dog.
Come on! Come on!
Can you get me? Oh, nearly.
Nearly, nearly. Oh!
What, you gonna get on the horsey?
Oh, Grace.
GRACE SQUEALS
THEY CHUCKLE
Ah.
Hang on a minute.
Come on, you go play on the slide.
Go play on the slide. OK, Mum.
Oh, wow!
My peace offering.
I should never
have called you a bad mum.
Yeah.
Or a bad actor.
No, well,
that's for the producers to say.
I used to perform myself.
I sang in a duet in the '70s.
A club act called Red & Ginger.
Oh, my God.
Craig never told me that.
Well, I never told him.
Wh?
It's I don't know what to say!
SHE LAUGHS
You should, Gloria.
It's really cool!
SHE CHUCKLES
Yeah!
I want to apologise for accusing you
of killing my theme.
Well, I hope you have a lovely day.
I really do.
Are you not staying?
It's your day, and Grace's.
I can see you put your back into it
and you're the main woman
in Craig's life now.
Not me.
Yeah, I am. You're right.
Mm.
But I want you to know that
you have single-handedly raised
the kindest man I've ever met.
I know I have.
But that's a lovely thing to say.
Yeah. Yeah.
MONKEY GIGGLES
TONI: Your mother is a psychopath
in Marks & Spencer's clothing,
Craig.
GRACE GIGGLES
DOORBELL RINGS
CRAIG: Kids are here.
Someone at the door.
I'll just go and
MUSIC: Flamingo
by Kero Kero Bonito
♫ Flamingo
♫ Oh, oh, oh-oh. ♫
♫ My party's on
♫ My party's on
♫ You gotta come
♫ My party's on
RAP IN JAPANESE
♫ Let's get the party started ♫
KNOCK AT DOOR
Auntie Toni, we have a problem.
No, we don't.
Everything's ready.
♫ I've done everything
♫ We're ready for the party. ♫
She's decided she's frightened.
WHISPERING: flamingos.
What? No, no, no, no.
No, I don't want
Hey, hey, hey, hey. No, no, no.
No, you're not, Grace.
We love them, remember?
That's we're having a birthday party
all about flamingos.
In half an hour,
when all your friends get here.
SHE SCREAMS
Craig, we have a problem.
♫ All right, all right
Give me strength
♫ Give me love. ♫
SHE SNIFFLES
KNOCK AT DOOR
Toni.
SHE MUTTERS
Go away!
Let's have a look. Go away!
OK. No, don't go away.
Oh, my God, you've had
a full-on breakdown, haven't you?
TONI SOBS
It's all gone wrong. Just fucking
Why does everything in my life
go wrong?
Was you trying to look like
Katy Perry?
Duh! Flamingo!
Oh, right.
No, cos Craig just said that, erm,
Grace has gone off flamingos.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Paula.
Yeah, she has. Totally out the blue.
Kids are twats.
They change their mind.
Told you should have
had it at McDonald's.
All the kids
get a toy and there's no washing up.
Paula, this is serious. Yeah.
I'm making memories.
I've got amazing memories
from when I was five.
What of?
My party.
Oh, for goodness' sake!
Get back downstairs now
and crack on.
You've got an actual party happening
in 22 minutes
and you're nowhere near ready.
Useless bloody hippie!
♫ Give me stre-e-ngth ♫
Up to the loft with this lot.
How do I look?
Like a freak.
Where's Grace?
She's outside with Ashley.
Party's ruined.
Oh, bollocks. Have a Frozen party!
Everyone loves a bit of Frozen.
No, no, not me. I'm a feminist.
I don't believe in princesses.
Fuck off! Parking a kid in front of
a princess movie for 90 minutes
of free baby-sitting?
You don't get
more feminist than that.
Frozen's so mainstream.
It's been done to death.
Like I wanted to give her a day
that was quirky and eclectic.
She'll remember this day
for the rest of her life.
She's five - she doesn't
remember to wipe her own arse.
No, I remember my fifth birthday -
Mam threw me an amazing
flamingo party.
Mum never threw us
a party in a whole life.
The only thing that she celebrated
was opening up a new bottle.
No, she did. Right, just because
you're older than me,
Paula, doesn't mean I don't
remember stuff too.
Mam was bloody brilliant that day.
OK, fine, whatever.
Listen, I'll go get Ashley's
old Frozen tat out the attic.
Let it flamin-GO!
That's not funny.
Yeah, it is. I got the funny genes.
Ashley, I know what I can say -
it's gonna be really, really funny.
MONKEY BEEPS AND GIGGLES
Don't worry, sweetie -
Daddy's making it all better.
GRACE ON RECORDING:
You're a cheeky monkey, and so am I.
Smell my trumps.
THEY LAUGH
Oh, Craig, this is sick.
I want one when it's MY birthday.
SHE MOUTHS
MONKEY BEEPS AND GIGGLES
ASHLEY ON RECORDING: Hello, Craig.
No-one under 70 wears a vest.
THEY LAUGH
Yeah.
HORN TOOTS
Fuck!
She's here, she's here. She's here.
Who?
Me mum. Oh, for
Oh, God. Archangel Gabriel,
please protect me.
If you get me a shirt out,
love, I'll iron it.
Oh, thanks, Mum.
What happened to your face?
Gloria,
I'm so glad you could make it.
Craig mentioned
you're having a disaster.
Did he?
Oh! That's funny because,
if anything, I'm having it
against the odd triumph.
I'm, erm, pivoting the party
so you could say.
In under half an hour?
Yeah.
That's a bit ambitious.
Have you phoned your entertainer?
We haven't booked anent
I was just informing
the entertainer,
actually, when you interrupted me
PHONE TAPS
Gloria.
Here we are, love. Oh, thanks, Mum.
Take it for me. Thanks.
DOORBELL RINGS
PANTING
Slow down. What's up?
I think I'm gonna be sick.
I need you to be my princess.
I don't feel very regal right now.
I gave evidence in court yesterday
and went out
with the prosecution lawyers
and we put away
a very dangerous man.
And a lot of prosecco. Rana,
I need you to be the entertainer
for the party. Oh!
Toni, this is a class-five hangover!
This is an emergency.
Oh!
And you are an emergency service.
I need to keep this on me
at all times, just in case.
Yeah, fine. I'll stick some glitter
on it and call it a royal bucket.
SHE HUMS TRIUMPHANTLY
How is that for pivoting the party?
Hey, hey, Rana. I'll text Paula, get
her to bring you something to wear.
Yeah. How am I gonna entertain
a bunch of kids?
Do you know any magic tricks?
Only very adult ones.
Rana, I sw All right, fine.
I'll think of something.
We haven't got long.
Kids are on their way.
Just need a minute with my bucket.
OK.
Yeah! Yeah!
Nice! Yeah.
Oh, Craig was just asking what's to
be done with your seagull cake.
Oh, seagull!
I knew it reminded me of something.
Flamingo!
It reminded you of a flamingo,
because that's what it is.
It's just the really small legs.
Craig, I swear to God
I would just put it out of
its misery, if I were you.
Would you like
to be humanely destroyed?
HIGH-PITCHED: No!
I want to be pivoted
into a princess cake!
Bur-kaw!
I could just take it outside
and shoot it.
No! No-one's destroying anything,
because a party's not a party
without a cake.
Oh!
I agree.
I thought it might be needed.
As a backup - that's all.
Oh, you thought it might be needed,
Gloria?
It's almost as if you knew
that the theme would change.
Woman's intuition.
So, I had a thought,
re entertaining the kids,
you know, I could do
my stranger-danger speech.
Rana.
Is she the entertainer?
Yeah.
Yeah, I do kids' parties
on my days off now. So
can you make this
into a sausage dog?
Course I can love.
Hold this.
PARPING
Is this a sick bucket?
Maybe.
A show woman never reveals
her tricks.
Excuse me. Thank you.
RANA COUGHS
At least Rana is here helping you.
Thank God!
Well, and Me.
Toni, yeah.
I've done quite a lot of it,
actually.
She's done loads. I just mean
because you're always SO busy
with your acting hobby.
It's not a hobby, Gloria.
It's a calling.
Oh! And have you been getting
many calls?
Right, you know what? You can f
Flamingos in the garden.
Let's hit the flamingos. So,
you're sure you don't want me to
Back in a minute.
Will you please calm down?
Crying out loud!
Can you not see?
What? She's just a bit shy.
Your mother is a psychopath in
Marks & Spencer's clothing, Craig.
Oh, you're being ridiculous.
No, I aren't. No, I
I bet you anything she is the one
who put Grace off flamingos.
Toni, you're being paranoid.
You always say that when I accuse
people of plotting against me.
She has assassinated
my flamingo party,
and now she wants to dance
on its grave. Flipping
Are you an actor, by any chance?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I am.
And I'm gonna deserve an Oscar
for keeping my face straight
for the next two hours.
I've got a ton of
fake Frozen gear in here.
Let's put some glittery tat
all over this bitch.
MUSIC: Paper Planes
by MIA
♫ If you catch me at the border
I got visas in my name
♫ If you come around here
♫ I make 'em all day ♫
Rana?
Rana?
MUSIC SLOWS AND STOPS
OK, Rana!
Rana, the kids will be here
in, like, 11 minutes.
You need to get changed.
I had a relapse
trying to make the balloon dog.
Yeah, well, stop relapsing
and look lively.
Paula brought you this.
RANA GROANS
Princess?
Oh!
What the fuck is that?
Well, it's Paula's wedding dress.
You remember her grinding Dane in it
to Man! I Feel Like A Woman!
Come on. I need to prove
you're the entertainer
so I can shove it
up Gloria's arsehole.
Sorry to interrupt
whatever this is but,
Rana, I need that duvet, mate.
What for?
Mum's turning me into Olaf. Dad?
What's the matter, darling?
WHISPERING: Her eyebrows
are scaring me.
Oh, right.
Yeah, your eyebrows are scaring her.
There's not much I can do
about that, is there?
I did suggest using wash-in wash-out
hair dye. Yeah, well,
I'm not a wash-in wash-out person.
You're gonna have to do something.
Your face is traumatising our child.
Get out.
Come on, baby, let's go.
Right. Er
Toni Oh!
SHE MOUTHS
Such a shame about the theme.
Grace was so excited
about flamingos.
She was telling me this morning.
You spoke to Grace this morning?
Yes, the little love called to make
sure I was coming to her party.
Didn't Craig mention it?
No, he didn't mention it.
Are you finished in here?
Goodbye.
I'm taking this.
I thought we were
going as princesses, not peasants.
Oh, yeah, I'm Cinderella, actually,
pre-makeover,
complete with an evil
stepmother-in-law.
Oh, right, and where are those mice
that you exploit for free lab our?
I was right about Gloria
sabotaging my party.
She spoke to Grace this morning.
Craig kept it from me.
Why would he do that?
Because he knew you'd get
all tinfoil-hat about it. No, no.
Because he's plotting against me
as well.
Him and Gloria are thick as thieves.
She's been on the phone to Grace
this morning,
making her scared of flamingos.
Oh, Christ, here we go.
Toni, for the last time, Mam never
threw you a flamingo party.
Yes, she bloody did. You don't
remember - your memory's shit.
Auntie Toni, I think
Grace just changed her mind.
Oh, Ashley. You're so naive.
You don't know
what people are capable of.
What do you think?
Woof! Woof!
Are you gonna get off your backside
at any point today?
Cos I don't know how
entertaining you can be lying down.
Entertaining lying down
is my speciality.
Toni, crack on sharpish, yeah?
Tick, tick, tick, Toni.
Will you be careful with that dress,
please?
It's got sentimental value.
Ashley was conceived in it. Mam!
Too much, Paula.
Oh, minging.
Right. Craig
I'm gonna this party back on track.
Stuff you, Gloria.
Craig?
Theme killer.
Whoops!
DOOR OPENS
Toni!
You did not just do that, Toni.
Yeah, I did, actually.
Because you ruined my party.
It's not YOUR party.
It's Grace's party.
It would've been a flamingo party
before you got to her
and talked her out of it.
I-I don't know what
you're talking about.
Don't play innocent with me, Gloria.
You might have Craig fooled
but you can't kid a kidder.
Toni! You know what?
It's not me that's got him fooled.
My Craig has to do everything
for Grace.
Mum! Yeah, yeah, he's miserable,
in't he? He's miserable!
It's a breath of fresh air when you
come over, Gloria, it really is.
It's a fucking relief! Stop it!
You're a failing actress
and a failing mother!
Oh, God!
Oh, Dane'll have that
if no-one else wants it.
Guys,
the kids are arriving in a bit.
Princess Elsa vibe's died,
hasn't it?
All gone a bit Blair Witch.
Never mind.
Let's all calm down.
That cake's all right,
you know, Gloria.
Ooh! I love Vicky sponge. Mm!
Victoria.
Toni
TONI SIGHS
Hey.
You all right?
How come everyone else can do it
and I can't? They can't.
Every mother on the planet
is one Colin The Caterpillar cake
away from a breakdown.
And anyone who says that they aren't
is a liar.
When I think about everything
Mam went through,
like struggling with addiction,
and she still managed to give me
a better fifth birthday party
than this.
Give over, Toni!
You sound like Phillip Schofield
introducing a new guest
on This Morning.
How do you not remember that party?
There were flamingos
hung on the washing line.
Mam never hung anything
on the washing line.
In fact,
she didn't even know how it worked.
I remember it so clearly, though.
Only me.
Paula said you were asking
about your fifth birthday.
What - do you remember it?
Oh, I remember everything clearly,
love.
I've got a mind like a steel trap,
me, in't it?
Were there loads of flamingos?
I can show you.
I've got everything on home video.
We don't have a video player.
No-one does, love.
I've had me archives digitised.
It's all on the cloud.
Toni!
Oh, my God!
Oh!
PAULA GIGGLES SOFTLY
Oh, my God!
Bloody hell!
Is that me?
Yeah. Yeah! Yeah!
THEY CHUCKLE
Hey.
Your dance moves haven't
changed much, have they, Tone?
Did our mam film this?
Don't be daft - it were me.
Look at that framing!
I'm Hull's Steven Spielberg, I am.
Yeah, I'd have kids
if I could guarantee
they'd turn out looking like that.
There! There, look.
There!
Flamingos.
Fuck me! I told you.
Mam was bloody brilliant that day.
She could be a tool but she pulled
it out the bag for me that day.
Auntie Toni, I really need
to tell you something.
Please can you come outside?
Aw, c-can we not?
Look,
I'm being really adorable here.
It's really important.
Cheers, Nima.
It's Ashley gonna break it
to Toni about her cake?
Someone needs to.
That thing's a shits how.
It was me who ruined the party,
Toni.
Earlier at the park,
Grace asked what a flamingo was,
so I showed her a YouTube video
of a little girl feeding one.
Only I didn't know, but
it attacks her. What?
SQUAWKING ON VIDEO
Oh!
SCREAMING ON VIDEO
Jesus Christ! The entire pigtail?
TONI GASPS
See? It's all my fault.
I ruined the party. I feel awful.
SHE SIGHS
It's not your fault, Ashley.
It's mine.
I should have asked Grace
what SHE wanted,
and then ignored that
and done a Frozen party.
That's what Mam used to do
at my parties.
It's her who loves Frozen, not me.
She's always singing Let It Go in
the bath and doing little farts.
She thinks we can't hear her.
That's gross.
Go on, then. Let's go back in.
Oh Gloria.
Your mam didn't put this party
together, and it weren't me, either.
Fuck off!
Is that you, Paula?
You were always there
for your little sis,
especially when your mam wasn't.
I did the party?
In't it?
Even gave yourself blisters
cutting out those flamingos
with my craft scissors.
It's gonna blow Toni's mind
when she sees this.
I'm gonna call her back in.
Hey, Toni, To
No. Don't.
I don't want her seeing this bit.
Nima, wipe it.
Our mam giving her this party's
Toni's one good memory of her.
Wipe it.
But it But it didn't happen.
SHE thinks it did, though.
And I'm not taking that from her.
Please, Nima wipe it.
Are you sure, love?
Yeah.
And neither of you dickheads
breathe a word.
Right?
Right.
SHE SIGHS
I'm Incepting that silly tart.
It's a lovely thing to do, Paula.
Where's Toni?
She's outside with Ashley.
Nima.
Gloria.
You on your way out somewhere?
You're very dressed up.
No. Just here.
It's a party, in't it?
Ooh.
Hang on.
There you go, love.
Your sausage dog.
Come on! Come on!
Can you get me? Oh, nearly.
Nearly, nearly. Oh!
What, you gonna get on the horsey?
Oh, Grace.
GRACE SQUEALS
THEY CHUCKLE
Ah.
Hang on a minute.
Come on, you go play on the slide.
Go play on the slide. OK, Mum.
Oh, wow!
My peace offering.
I should never
have called you a bad mum.
Yeah.
Or a bad actor.
No, well,
that's for the producers to say.
I used to perform myself.
I sang in a duet in the '70s.
A club act called Red & Ginger.
Oh, my God.
Craig never told me that.
Well, I never told him.
Wh?
It's I don't know what to say!
SHE LAUGHS
You should, Gloria.
It's really cool!
SHE CHUCKLES
Yeah!
I want to apologise for accusing you
of killing my theme.
Well, I hope you have a lovely day.
I really do.
Are you not staying?
It's your day, and Grace's.
I can see you put your back into it
and you're the main woman
in Craig's life now.
Not me.
Yeah, I am. You're right.
Mm.
But I want you to know that
you have single-handedly raised
the kindest man I've ever met.
I know I have.
But that's a lovely thing to say.
Yeah. Yeah.
MONKEY GIGGLES
TONI: Your mother is a psychopath
in Marks & Spencer's clothing,
Craig.
GRACE GIGGLES
DOORBELL RINGS
CRAIG: Kids are here.
Someone at the door.
I'll just go and
MUSIC: Flamingo
by Kero Kero Bonito
♫ Flamingo
♫ Oh, oh, oh-oh. ♫