I Feel Bad (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

1 [hip-hop music.]
I love taking the kids to the mall.
There's something for everyone.
Mama likes to get her samples on.
Just taking some for a friend.
Thank you.
Lily likes getting sucked in by the kiosk carneys.
And there's one little guy who just loves going on the kiddie rides.
Sadly, it's not this little guy.
It's that one.
Lately, every time we come to the mall, Louie insists on riding the kiddie rides with the four-year-olds.
But you know what? I'd never be embarrassed by my own child.
Your kid still likes the baby rides, huh? That's not my kid.
Nope.
Yep, another great day at the mall with my two kids.
[hip-hop music.]
- - Babe, do you think Louie's immature? 'Cause I'm thinking maybe we coddle him too much.
What? We do not coddle him.
I don't know, I mean, we help him dress in the morning, he still gets special kid's food, and he still needs a Cheerio in the toilet bowl to know where to aim.
Okay, remember what happened when we took the Cheerio away? Soaked the hand towels.
He somehow peed behind himself.
All the more reason that he needs to grow up and do stuff for himself.
What nonsense are you talking? Louie is such a sweet, innocent boy.
Why do you want to rush him to grow into a disgusting pervert man with hair and sounds? I mean, so he can pee without cereal.
Is that so much to ask? You know, actually, Mommy's right.
Let Louie be young.
Childhood goes by so fast.
Mine was such fun, until I saw that woman get hit by the rickshaw scooter.
Oh, God, that's terr Not finished.
She ricocheted onto the railway track.
They tried to pull her out, but the train was coming too fast.
Bing, bang, boom, childhood over.
Ooh, come to papa.
I hate it when my family doesn't just agree with me.
But maybe I was stressing over nothing.
Also, someday, my dad needs therapy.
Gin.
Hey.
When you were kids, when did your mom stop coddling you? Oh, well, my mum used to let me sleep in her bed until I was a teenager.
Even now, whenever I go home for a visit, we have a little cuddle.
Sorry, did you say "cuddle" or "coddle"? It just became irrelevant.
Well, my mom did not coddle me, mm-mm.
No, she's actually pretty strict.
Yeah, she loads up my debit card and if I spend all that, ooh, it is too bad until next week.
[mimes whipping.]
That's not strict.
Mm-mm, that boy ain't right.
Bye, Mom, bye, Mama.
I love each of you the most.
- Aw.
- Bye, catch you two later.
I love you more, I do.
Mwah, mwah, mwah.
Okay, I don't even need to ask you, Norman.
You talk to your moms way too often.
For your information, I talk to them once a day.
But sometimes for ten hours.
So your iPad is essentially a baby monitor? Are these highly personal questions leading to a point? Yes, if I don't stop coddling Louie, he's going to turn into some sort of adult baby man like you guys.
I haven't worn a diaper since Coachella.
Yeah, I'm not a baby.
You're a baby.
[as dinosaur.]
I am green.
[peppy music.]
[dinosaur roaring.]
Oh, God.
I couldn't let Louie turn into them.
I knew what I needed to do.
David and I embarked on Operation Grow Louie the Eff Up So He Doesn't Become an Eff Up.
Our plan was simple: Bribe Louie with cash to get him to do what we want.
I like baths! It's like swimming without all the sun! Time to graduate to a big boy shower.
Text me if you need help! Agh! Mission accomplished.
Hey.
Nice work, buddy.
Good boy.
Boom.
I didn't get paid to grow up.
The gender pay gap starts young.
Welcome to my world, sunshine.
That's ugly.
Wow, he missed a spot.
Yeah, no, I'll get it.
Our next task was making Louie dress himself for school.
Oh, no.
Lou, wow.
Oh, honey, he looks just like Lily Tomlin.
Please let me make some adjustments.
Nope, nope, no, no, no, no.
BRB, gotta hit the boys' room.
Please don't pee on the seat.
I think I should give him one last Cheerio.
Think of the hand towels.
It did not go well.
No one said it would be easy.
Keep 'em coming.
Oh, mother! I just sat in quite a bit of urine.
Okay, honey, I believe in you.
No training wheels.
Come on, you got this.
You got it.
- Yes.
Yep.
- Oh yeah.
- Yep! - Oh, we're doing it! Yeah! Yes! - He's doing it! - Yes, yes! - He's doing it! - Yeah! Whoa! Oh, no.
Well, almost did it.
- Oh.
- Almost.
Little did I know, Operation Grow the Eff Up would inspire these eff ups to do the same thing.
Do you guys think Emet's right? - Are we adult babies? - I hope not.
There's nothing sexy about being an adult baby, apart from some rather unsavory porn sites.
Mm-hmm.
Maybe our dependence on our moms is why we can't sustain mature relationships with women.
Dude, if my mom is the reason I'm not getting laid, then who needs her? So what do we do? Mom cleanse.
No moms for a week.
Hmm.
Yeah, I can do that.
I can quit anything for a week.
Except for my meds.
Yeah, I have to taper those slowly.
Otherwise I'll just end up accidentally driving my car into another Denny's.
I love Denny's.
Finally, two weeks and $47 later Yes! Success! - Yes! - Aw! That is my child! Grown up chicken for one.
Ah, smells divine.
Why did I ever need you in nugget form? - Bullseye! - [all cheering.]
And just like that, no more pee Cheerios.
Okay, Louie.
One of the perks of being a grown up is you get to spend your money on anything you want, okay? Just not guns.
Okay, sweetie? Don't buy anything that could put me in the news, okay? - Thanks.
- Go get 'em.
Aw.
Our little boy's buying a baseball cap! Well, I know you love that.
Hey, why is he getting all those quarters? - Wait.
- What's happening? What? There he goes.
Are you kidding me? I thought we were making progress.
Is he ever gonna grow up? Oh.
I think he has.
[gasps.]
Oh, no.
No, I don't like this at all.
Oh, my God.
How did I never notice what Louie was looking at? It's not the kiddie ride he likes.
It's the big boy view.
He is riding that Mr.
Caterpillar right into puberty.
I want my dollars back.
I thought Louie had to grow up.
But apparently that's happening.
.
So now we better hurry and catch up.
That little guy is ready for boobies? How could I miss this? Okay, he did wear a cape to school.
It would throw anyone off.
Yes! He's such a baby.
But he's also horny.
He's a horny baby.
Okay, let's just make sure that we actually saw what we think we saw.
- Okay.
- Okay? But let's be super cool and chill about it so we don't freak him out.
Dude.
Hey, buddy.
- Hey.
- Um, so.
Mom and I [clears throat.]
.
We, well, we think we know why you've been riding Mr.
Caterpillar at the mall so much.
Yeah.
NBD, no big whoop, but, uh, maybe you're just trying to get a little look-see at the ladies' underwear store? I'm sorry.
I'm so so - No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Oh wait, no, no, no.
You're not in trouble.
- Okay? - Whew, okay.
And we are just, like, cool and chill people.
- Yes! - Super chill.
No, you have nothing to be ashamed about.
Really? - No.
- Totes.
Listen, you are just getting to that age where you're starting to realize that girls have different bodies than boys.
Maybe you were just trying to get a look at her - Bra.
- Oh, God.
My baby just said "bra.
" Good, good, good, that's what I thought, that's what I thought.
Cool, cool, cool.
Tight, tight, tight.
- Yep.
- That's fine.
Tot it's look.
It is totally natural to be curious.
I mean, if you think about it, the bra is like the shoes of the chest.
Whereas, like, your underwear would be the shoe of your Okay, you know what I think? I think maybe that your dad and I just need a quick second to talk - Talk.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Just a minute.
- Just us.
Okay, that's fine.
You can circle back with me later.
Okay, we'll do that.
We'll just have our people call your people.
We'll interface later.
[hip-hop music.]
Oh.
That is a good outfit.
I wouldn't mind taking that off of you and then doing things with you.
Oh, thank you.
I got it at the store that - turns your son on.
- Yah! Kay.
Oh, God.
David, what are we gonna do? How are we gonna give a sex talk to a kid that thinks "Monsters, Inc.
" is a scary movie? Yeah, okay, so it's happening earlier than we thought it was gonna happen.
But Louie's growing up.
That is kinda cool.
My mom never even gave me a sex talk.
She just threw a bunch of pamphlets on my bed from the Baptist church telling me about how God was watching me masturbate.
Hmm.
We're not even Baptist.
You know what I'm not gonna teach him? - Is to be ashamed.
- Right.
Louie's gonna grow up differently than I did.
Mm-hmm.
So I guess it's time for my sex talk.
Or should I say my sex song? Oh, that's on the table.
Cool.
You know what? I can mold Louie before society gets to him.
I'm gonna make sure we raise a woke son.
I'm gonna take him to work tomorrow and I'm gonna show him that women are smart, creative, and more than something to just put a bra on.
Okay, sweetie, remember.
Girls are capable, creative, and have feelings, okay? Many of them are artists and bosses, just like your mama.
We are not just something for boys to look at.
- Even her? - Oh.
Come on, Xandra, help a sister out.
I'm supposed to be molding him.
Yes, even her, okay? Sure, she is very curvy, but that doesn't define her.
Did you know she formulated the antidote to a zombie virus and is now president of the apocalyptic transitional government? A democracy, I might add.
Ahem.
She is complex and capable and deserves to be treated with respect.
Wow.
I never knew all that.
- What a lady.
- Yeah.
- Hey! - What's up? Oh, go away, pig man.
- You will not ruin this for me.
- Whoa, okay.
Pig man has nothing but respect for women.
And I agree about Xandra.
Mad props to a busy lady who finds time to keep it tight.
- Just like my mom.
- Okay.
Women contribute a lot to the world, Louie.
Like, when no one wants to produce your one-man show, they give you five grand because you're their little fuzzy-face.
God, I miss my moms.
Okay, maybe not five grand.
So remember, lad.
Women, they aren't our equals, okay? They're much better.
And what do they get to show for it, eh? I'll tell you what.
A husband who vanishes into the Scottish Highlands and a son who needs to be cleansed of her very existence.
Wow.
[strumming guitar.]
Tickling the old six-string.
Uh, noodlin' on a new jam for Louie.
Trying to help him out.
Sweet.
Lay it on me, Ringo.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
All right.
[clears throat.]
[guitar music.]
Sometimes you get a feeling Deep inside your jeans That is when your father Will come tell you what it means That's an erection That's an erection That's an erection, my son I can't tell if you are a worse guitar player or father.
[strumming guitar.]
Sometimes I get a feeling Deep inside my jeans Now that I've taught Louie to be respectful to women, the next step is a carefully worded birds and the bees conversation.
You know what? One day when you get older, you'll meet a girl that you like and respect, and you'll need to know about the next big thing that Dad and I need to tell you.
Are you talking about sex stuff? 'Cause I already know.
What? How? Who told you? The internet? Um, I'm not gonna tell you 'cause it seems like you're gonna get mad.
Sweetie.
You can tell me anything.
I'm not gonna get mad.
Grandma told me.
Oh, cool, cool, cool.
Tight, tight, tight.
Hey, uh, when did Grandma talk to you about that, Lou? After she caught me looking at the underwear store.
She told me I shouldn't do that 'cause it's shameful to look at the bra lady, 'cause she's a skank.
What? Okay, Louie, no woman is a skank.
But your grandma's a [bleep.]
.
Completely inappropriate.
Over the line.
I was so worried about society interfering with Louie's growing up, I forgot about an even more dangerous influence: my parents.
You had no right to brainwash our son.
We wanted Louie to grow up with a healthy view of sex.
But you ruined that view.
And you built a skyscraper on a foundation of shame and skanks.
And you had no right to impose your effed up view of sex on the kids.
- That is our job.
- That's right! I had to say something, the way he was leering at that dirty mannequin at the mall.
- Excuse me? - What? Why am I in trouble? She is the one who did this.
I wanted the boy to learn about sex the way that I did, by watching two rascally jackals make love in a ditch.
You know what? Neither of you will interfere again.
I will have my father and son moment and it will be beautiful, and it will be poignant, and it will be catchy as hell.
Yes.
Oh, my God, the erection song? Yes.
Louie will pray to see those ditch jackals.
David is right.
Anything you two have to say about sex is backwards and prudish.
My God, you didn't even ever give me a sex talk! I had to do it.
We'll go with that.
Mom, I don't think I've ever even heard you say the word "penis.
" Because "Penis" doesn't belong in a woman's mouth.
Okie dokie.
[playing guitar.]
Here's some rules to know You gotta take it slow And remember that her breast buds Aren't your new best buds Both: Till she says yes, bud - Little pitchy.
- Okay.
Both: And no means no Hey, what are you guy Nothing is too weird to be tried Nothing, okay? In fact I am my favorite ride - Sex is a - Both: Beautiful buffet And anyone you love is okay Sing it with me, everybody.
All: And anyone you love Is okay Love is love, babe.
Okay? Good job.
Take it a little darker now.
Chlamydia, chlamydia Ooh, it's a pity-ya What is this chlamydia? Ooh, you got chlamydia David, I gotta say.
- Parenting isn't that hard.
- Right? Yeah! The books make you think it is, but it isn't.
We could write a book.
You know, I don't know if you're kidding right now, but that's actually brilliant.
No, I'm serious.
I'm also just, like, a skosh drunk.
Mm-hmm.
Mom, Dad? I've been reflecting in my room, and I needed to double-check a few things.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Anyone I love is okay, right? - Honey, never be ashamed.
- Love is love is love.
And I can tell you anything, right? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, gosh, yes.
- Absolutely.
- There's nothing off-limits - in this family.
- That's right.
Okay.
I'm in love with Georgina.
Okay.
- Georgina.
- Aw.
- Georgina.
- Sounds cute.
Congratulations.
Do we know this lucky lady Georgina? Yeah, she's the underwear lady at the mall.
Wait.
Oh, my God.
Is he talking about the mannequin? Sorry, what now? You named the mannequin? Oh.
You should put that in your parenting book.
No, not now.
Not now.
I think I need to go back to the mall.
I need to tell her how I feel.
I should go write some stuff down.
I'll see you guys later.
- Oh, honey, maybe not.
- Okay.
- No, we'll talk in a bit.
- Oh.
[playing guitar.]
You thought you knew it all Now your son's in love with a doll Well-played.
Don't panic, just relax.
It says here, "Some kids go through a period "of expressing their sexuality in unorthodox ways to deal with growing up.
" It's like a phase.
It's like when I was wearing kilts.
What? No.
That is [bleep.]
.
This is not a phase.
We have to shame him out of this, so find a book that tells us how to do that because my parents were right.
Hey, it says in this one that if we play this wrong, he could drive it underground and then it becomes a fetish.
No! I do not want him to grow up and get a doll as a girlfriend and then we have to pretend to have conversations with it at Thanksgiving.
Okay, we're not there yet.
We're not there yet.
It's Louie.
This kinda makes sense, right? I mean, he's a sweet, sensitive boy somewhere in between being a child and puberty.
Of course he's gonna find a childlike way of expressing his sexuality.
I was kind of that kid.
I get it.
Oh, okay, so he gets it from you, you perv.
No, that's not what I'm saying.
But I did spend one very memorable summer discovering myself with the help of a Taco Bell cup with wait for it Jessica Rabbit on the side.
I squeezed that cup till it cracked.
- And then I realized what? - I don't know.
I had a crush on Tova Rabinowitz, and I was too shy to talk to her.
I didn't want a cup and a chalupa and Jessica Rabbit.
I wanted Tova.
Okay.
I hear what you're saying.
So let's drive our son to Kenlo Heights Mall so he can talk to a mannequin.
Guys, that's it.
I miss my mum.
All right? I've shrunk my favorite cardigan.
Look what happens when I do my laundry.
I got so frustrated I just sat outside a Denny's revving my engine for 45 minutes.
This has gone too far now, okay? We need to call this mum cleanse off.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.
No, no, no, no.
We can't give up.
I can.
I love giving up.
It's my best thing.
- I can help you.
- Yes.
No, no, no.
Chewey, you shrunk your cardigan, but you did it all by yourself.
And Norman, think of all the things you've seen and done without having to FaceTime your moms.
I went outside.
You went outside.
Me, I just sunk my life savings into Mark Ruffalo's cryptocurrency.
Yesterday, for half a second, I was worth $4 million.
Today? Nothing.
But tomorrow, oof.
Maybe.
Who knows? The point is the mom cleanse is working.
We're in this baby, okay? The pig man has spoken.
Here we go.
We're being open, accepting, and loving to our son.
And if I see anyone I know, I'm bolting.
[gasps.]
Where is she? That's not her.
They killed Georgina.
Luckily we found out that Georgina hadn't gone far.
Well, she couldn't go far.
She's a doll.
And, much like David's Taco Bell cup, she'd seen better days.
- Mom.
- Yeah.
- Dad? - Yeah.
A little privacy, please.
- Oh, yep.
Sure, bud.
- Yep.
Sure.
He said casually as his son declared his love for something that doesn't blink.
"Georgina, my love, "I loved you from afar.
I think you were watching me too.
" God, it was so much easier back when we just had to get him to take a shower.
Right? I mean, two bucks and a marshmallow, - he's in the shower.
- I know.
Pretty soon when he takes a shower, it's gonna be weird and something else.
And we don't give marshmallows for that.
No.
No.
I mean, I'm always proud when our kids hit a milestone, but This feels like we're saying good-bye to something.
He's not our baby anymore.
I know.
[laughs.]
- That's a rat.
We should go.
- Oh, no.
Come on this way.
- Come on.
- You don't need to know why.
- Get away from the dumpster.
- It's not about Georgina.
It's a separate dumpster thing.
Oh, that's a big rat.
How you doing, bud? I'm fine.
From far away, Georgina seemed really real.
But up close, she has dead eyes.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna have a nightmare.
Hey, honey? We're so glad that you talked to Georgina.
But is there maybe a girl at school you want to talk to? Yeah.
Tasha.
But she makes me nervous.
Sometimes she says hi, but I don't know what to say, so I run to the bathroom.
Oh, yeah.
The old run into the bathroom trick.
That must be genetic.
You know what, that's what I used to do.
See? Now this is the sweet rite-of-passage moment I hoped for when I held little newborn Louie.
Oh, God, is that rat following us? Okay, I'm gonna run away.
Go.
Go.
Move, move, move.
So.
How was the love fest with the dummy? Are you going to meet her parents? It's fine, Mom.
Louie's in love with Tasha now.
Now what's Tasha? A pool floatie? Parenting isn't so easy, is it? No.
It's just I make these choices every day, and I never know if they're gonna be right, until the kids grow up and are mad at me.
Like you're mad at me for not giving you some big sex talk.
But today is your lucky day.
I'm giving it to you now.
All right.
Let's hear it.
When a man and a woman love each other, they take off their clothes and they create an ungrateful child who will never let them forget any of their mistakes.
[smooth music.]
There she is.
It's bittersweet watching your kid grow up.
But at some point you just have to let go.
Well, well, well.
So you're the reason Griffy-poo wants to manage his own money.
Only Mommy makes money moves.
Uh.
I thought that Tristram was dead.
Who? Chewey.
He didn't show up for his mummy cuddle time.
Are you the one that told our Norman not to call his mamas? I'm a pacifist.
But no baby boy, no peace.
I will tear your ass up.
Moms! Oh! Baby! I'll just go! [squeals.]
Thank you What are you doing here? You didn't miss us enough to call.
Oh! You're so strong! Chewey.
Your mom is hot.
Oh, man.
- I missed you.
- Wow.
This answers so many questions I had about them.