I Just Want My Pants Back (2012) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Maybe be mature and text him.
- Uh, no! - What the hell, man? I just quit my job for an unpaid internship? I guess you're just more of a late night text kind of girl than an introduce to your friends kind of girl.
Jane.
We had this amazing night and she fake numbered me.
Just gum, boss? No egg sandwich? Everything okay? Yeah, just downsizing.
This could take a few minutes.
Sorry for all the nickels.
You're looking very thin.
You're only buying gum.
You can tell me.
Are you one of those "manorexics"? No, there's nothing wrong with me, except that I'm jobless and still interested in girls, which is like being dead and still wanting to breathe.
Hey, Bobby, can I have a bagel with butter? Okay, Jezebel.
Morning.
How's it going? Well, I'll start: Terrible.
Now you go.
Craptacular.
Last night, I looked up all the girls Brett's friended since we stopped talking.
FYI, it's six girls, all American Apparel ads.
Literally, they're all wearing unitards, arching their backs, presenting like baboons.
Nice to know he's having such a hard time getting over me.
Yeah, well, least you're hung up on a guy who's told you his last name.
I'm looking for a Jane in boy jeans.
Plus, yesterday, I went down to the unemployment office, and you're only eligible for money if you've been fired, not if you quit.
Single and broke, I'm living the dream.
I have an idea.
You're welcome.
I know what you're gonna say, make a pact.
If we're both still single at 40, we get married, right? If I'm still single when I'm 40, I was going to say we need, like, a huge night out.
Like, go dancing.
Dancing is for little girls, and I look like one when I do it.
Oh, yeah, that's right, you don't dance.
Okay, scratch that.
Just hear me out, sad face, okay? We need this.
After I get off work, we'll go to Dumont and eat burgers so rare we can still hear them mooing.
I assume you're buying.
My wallet contains only dust and tears.
Yeah, and we'll go-- We'll see battles play at Warsaw.
Ben works the door there, and he owes me a favor, since God knows he never bought me dinner.
Ben was the one who wouldn't stop doing Borat? Yeah, 'cause it was always so funny.
- Do you like this? - I like it.
But if we're really gonna go for it, I will spend the last of my fortune and order some weed from fat Ken.
Nice, solid investment.
Okay then, tonight it's on.
We will change our fortune through sheer decadence.
Crap, I gotta get to work.
- I'll see you later.
- Okay.
I'll go home and watch the view, I guess.
Jason, it's a bagel.
Free of charge.
Be healthy, Jason.
Love yourself.
Please, eat it in front of me.
Thanks, Bobby.
I'm okay, though.
Ugh, I can't decide if I want Reese Witherspoon bangs or more like a Suri Cruise long bob.
That's a really tough decision.
I could see how you'd be stuck.
It's just hard because I think Suri's haircut is better, but Reese is much prettier, so Hey, lady.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Is everything okay? Everything's more than okay.
Look who just arrived straight from Arizona.
Tina! [Laughs.]
Oh, my God! You look so different.
[Giggles.]
Come here, sorority sister.
Bree, you're so here.
[Whispers.]
Why? Check out my bling.
Okay, I don't know you, but whatever weird stuff you had to do to get this thing was so worth it.
[Both scream.]
Ahh! Why is she here? It's her bachelorette party, remember? Ahh.
[Coughing.]
[Phone rings.]
Hello? Hey, Ken.
Jason from eagle street.
So I need two orders of fried calamari.
Oh, dude, I'm dying.
No joke.
Seriously, I've got, like, Ebola or something.
When I move around, there's a trail of goo behind me.
It's like I'm a snail.
I cannot deliver tonight.
The store is closed.
Oh, okay.
Well, um-- - I mean, I guess if you wanted to, you could come to me.
Yeah, really? Sweet, I could do that.
Cool, cool, then you can do me a flavor.
I need you to pick up some cold supplies.
Okay, where do you live? Okay, I live in Bushwick, and not in the nice part where they have pirate's booty in the bodegas.
Nowhere near the trains.
You're gonna have to hoof it.
[Sniffles.]
Put your money in your sock and keep your head on a swivel.
Okay, just tell me what you need.
Get a pen.
Why are you acting like you don't know about the bachelorette party? I've been emailing you for a month.
Ever since she sent us all those emails of her and her tankini from paradise island, I flag all the "Breemails" as spam.
Well, whatever, it's tonight at 8:00.
Dress code is slutty casual.
Ooh, total bummer, Stace, but Jay and I have huge plans tonight.
You know how I'm still trying to get over Brett? We made reservations, kinda locked in.
- Sorry.
- You can't just bail.
Look, I need your help.
Somehow I became the point person on this madness.
Come on, Bree's our sorority sister, and she's getting married.
Yeah, but I quit that sorority junior year, so, technically, the sisterhood is over.
Oh.
Please don't make me go alone.
Okay, fine, I'll come for as long as I can.
- Who's she marrying anyway? - Laird.
She's still with "Unprepared Laird"? - Guy who never had a condom? - Shh-shh.
Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm the first of all of us to get married.
[Giggles.]
Don't worry, Tina, you will find a man.
You just-- just gotta take care of yourself.
Hmm? [Phone vibrates.]
Hey.
Where are you? Sounds like you're at a Justin Bieber concert.
Small snafu.
I need to push everything back an hour.
I have to make an appearance at Bree's bachelorette party.
Bree? You mean the girl who always thought she was pregnant, but was just gassy? Yeah.
Yeah, I hit a little speed bump myself.
So what do you think, is tonight still gonna happen? Definitely.
Let's just meet at Dumont at 9:00 instead, cool? Okay, yeah, cool.
Game on.
- [Blows whistle.]
- Oh! Ugh.
All right, I'll call you when I'm done with the Real Housewives of Sheboygan.
- Just hurry, okay? - Sure.
I shall bike like the wind.
Hey, everybody! Shut up and listen! [Blows whistle.]
These are your hottie whistles.
So whenever you see a hottie tonight, just put your lips together and blow, okay? [Whistles blowing.]
All right, thank you, thank you.
It's an honor just to be nominated.
Eric, please come with us tonight.
I need you to be the one normal person I can talk to.
I'm sorry, it's my first night shift at the hospital.
For a med student, it's an awesome experience.
It's like officially popping your doctor cherry.
Ugh, FYI, popping your cherry is not an awesome experience.
It's a bloody mess you have to hide from your parents by pretending your sheets caught on fire while you and Scott Speilburger were working on a science fair project.
Ooh.
All right.
Ooh, look at you, looking like a real doctor.
Thanks.
Uh, sorry I have to run.
Lots to learn, lives to save.
Have fun.
- Barack.
- Michelle.
Tina, put on a whistle.
Hey, Bree wants us to wear these.
Nope, not wearing penis jewelry.
Ugh, can you try and roll with it a little? If it makes you feel any better, it's technically a pecker necklace.
Feeling is the same.
Face surrounded by baby peni.
[Whistle blows, cheering.]
[Distant sirens.]
[Dog barks.]
[Knocks on door.]
It's open.
Come in.
[Opera music playing.]
[Toilet flushes.]
Hey, man, sorry that took so long.
Uhh.
Don't look at that.
It's not done.
Oh, you paint? Cool.
So you're an artist and a weed dealer? Yeah, are you a stoner and an art critic? Sorry.
Ohh.
Echinacea cough drops, dude? Tastes like hippies.
Oh, menthol rub, thank God.
Feel like I'm breathing through a milkshake.
Good.
I'm glad you got what you need.
So I guess we can just deduct this from the cost of the material? Slow down, dude.
I need you to do me a solid and rub that on my back.
Ugh, yeah, no.
Oh, okay.
I see how it is.
So I'm just supposed to hook you up with your medicine, but you're too hung up on your Western body shame to help me out with mine? Be a God damn human being.
Ugh, okay, let's just make this quick.
Yeah.
All right.
You're gonna wanna get, like, a nice thick layer over pretty much the whole back.
P.
S.
, I need you to go low.
Below the belt, above the crack.
You can skirt my rim.
Stay out of my man cave.
No diamonds in there for you.
[Exhales.]
[Opera music continues.]
[Indistinct chatter.]
Cheers! [Cheering.]
[Blows whistle.]
Oh, my God, I love this song.
Let's go dance.
Are you leaving? Uh, actually, yeah.
You know, sitting in a sea full of cargo-shorted boys isn't helping me forget about Brett.
I'm not interested in anything in their multiple tiny pockets.
You've been here, like, 30 minutes.
Uh, that's not true, because they just played Madonna's Immaculate Collection in its entirety.
I'm sorry, Stace, this just isn't my thing.
What, you think this is my thing? You think I'm the adult in these situations because I like it? Yeah.
In college, you were an R.
A.
before we'd go out to Keggers, you reminded everyone to tinkle first.
Yeah, and you were the one that always ended up peeing between two parked cars.
News flash: I don't like being the adult, but sometimes, you have to do things for other people.
I did all this stupid party planning, and I asked you for help with one thing, and you didn't even get the penis pinata I emailed you about.
Or, I'm sorry, did you delete my email too? Maybe.
I'm sorry, Stace.
I'll go deal with that.
Yeah, I'm sure you will.
You know what? I'm done being responsible all the time.
I'm having fun tonight.
Now they're digging a hole [Cheering, whistle blows.]
Sending out invitations to her friends back home Digging a hole Cutting her name in stone, oh I think I'm done here, Ken.
You're seasoned and ready for the grill.
Can I get the stuff now? I'm supposed to be meeting a friend to go to a concert, and I'm already, like, super late.
You know what, Jason, I would love to be going to a special concert with my special friend, but I can't 'cause I'm dying.
- You're not dying.
- I am dying! And you're worried about being late to chumbawamba or whatever.
I'm gonna be a dead nobody who never finished his one-man show instead of being the living genius that Jesus wants me to be.
I really gotta go, Ken.
There's no more menthol rub, and I can't feel my hands.
Can I please just get the stuff? Hi, uh, quick question.
I'm first-year.
Do we almost-doctors go in the main doors or is there, like, a staff-- Yes, the main door down the block.
Just follow the trail of human blood and feces, my man.
Okay, well, I'm just really excited to get in there, you know, start caring, start curing.
Just join the doctors tribe.
You have any gum? Man, we've been here for 23 hours, and we haven't done any caring or curing.
So no gum? No.
Good luck, newbie.
Welcome to the tribe of human janitors.
Sorry, that took forever, but I got the weed.
Probably also got the plague, but whatever, I'm on my way.
All right, well, I'm still at this "Girls Gone Vile" party, so you're gonna have to meet me here.
Oh, aren't bachelorettes filled with single, hot, horny girls? Single, definitely.
Hotish.
Horny only in a "Is it bad if I get spray tan in my thong area?" kind of way.
So we're not making dinner, are we? Dinner might be amended to a slice consumed on the train.
Everything else stands, I promise.
Can you do me the teeniest favor on the way here? A sudden violent sensation descends It may be aimed at you 'Cause, baby I've learned what I could never do [Cheering and upbeat music.]
Hey, what's going on? Uh, no, thank you though.
Oh, all right, grow up, huh? Jay! Jay! Is that a penis pinata in your hand or are you just happy to see me? Nice necklace.
It looks like your clavicle's getting gang banged.
Yeah, it's candy.
It's shaped like the front but it tastes like the back.
Gross.
Can we go now? Sadly, no.
A little snafu has developed since we last spoke.
Oh, Jesus.
Look who's had a thimble full of goldschlager.
Sloppy Stacey's in the house.
Jason! Jason, come dance with us.
- Stace.
- Come dance.
Stace, Stace, no, I don't dance, especially with girls I have no chance of fooling around with.
Whatever, guys.
I'm gonna go dance with my real friends.
Friends forever! We're not making it to the concert, are we? No, no, we definitely are.
I'm gonna lure Stacey off the bar with a mozzarella stick.
She still seems to be responding to the smell of grease.
You will grab Bree, and we'll dump them at Stacey's.
Then we get into a cab, go to the concert, and get so high we kill the parts of our brains that might remember this shame fest.
It's still early, right? They're probably still playing the new stuff.
We could definitely make it there for the classic stuff.
Yeah, classic stuff rules.
You know we never listen Come.
[Hip-hop music.]
Um, hey, Bree! Jason? Oh, my God, cutie Jason.
Did you hear I'm getting married? Yep, you obviously have that about-to-be-married glow.
It's just body glitter and lady sweat.
Great, okay, time to go.
- Oh.
- [Squeals.]
In college, I always thought you were so funny.
That's nice.
I also thought you were really cute too.
You're like a pretty tween girl.
That's a weird compliment.
I know.
- What? - Maybe we should stop.
Shut up and keep being hot.
It's pretty much a done deal at this point Hey, it's time to go.
You know it's true Remember how you once told me to tell you if you got too sloppy and you might regret it the next day? We're there, Stace.
You've been there since you head-butted the bartender with your penis horns.
Ha! I remember nothing.
Except I remember wheeling you home in a shopping cart once.
It's my turn.
Wheel me, bitch! Yeah! - Cat fight! - Punch her in the face! You punch her in the face! Mmm.
Oh, my God, what am I doing? Laird is gonna be so pissed.
Yeah, I'd be pissed too if I was laird.
Mostly because my name is laird.
We should stop.
I don't wanna.
I can't believe I'm gonna marry the only person I've ever been with.
I've only touched one thingy.
Can I feel yours? I don't know, that's a bad idea.
- [Grunts.]
- Ow.
Bree, your ring is really sharp.
[Groans.]
It's so weird.
You're almost exactly the same size as laird, but yours is smooth, like a frog.
Bree, just let it go.
You're cutting off its air supply.
Maybe I should turn your frog into a prince.
No, no, Bree.
Jay? Jay! Oh, dude! I am the victim here.
I am the victim here! [Overlapping chatter.]
What are you doing? Did she find any lumps? Not for lack of trying.
She was kneading it like it was raw dough.
Girlfriend, are you okay? [Retches.]
Oh, God.
We gotta get outta here.
Ohh.
Ooh.
Hi, nerdface.
What happened to you? Look like you helped a goat give birth.
I had my first night at the hospital.
It was horrible.
People--people are disgusting.
You're telling me about people? I've had men tell me they'll get a girl to have sex with me if I give them free malt liquor.
And I tell them no, 'cause I know there's no girl.
It's just their hand in the shape of a girl.
That is not how business is done.
I helped drain a boil tonight the size of a hockey puck from an old man's groin.
One of the other students threw up from the smell.
Smell? You know how many homeless do bathroom here? And I have no bathroom, man.
Every day I'm in the back with the hose, hosing.
Tonight, it seems like that's what being a doctor is, hosing down humanity.
Okay, I'm going to my very clean apartment to sleep and to try to not have nightmares.
You can try, but visions, you can't hose them away.
So good night.
Oh.
We're still Bree and laird, and no one can take it away even ever, you know? What the hell's going on in here? We didn't know what to do anymore.
They broke us.
Babe, is that you? - The room won't stop spinning.
- She's okay.
She just drank her weight in Smirnoff Ice.
- What's going on with this one? - Laird drama.
Briefly thought she wanted to have sex with me, then didn't.
My usual story with girls.
How was your night? Uh, a lot like this actually.
Stace, here, drink all this and put this on your head.
Here, drink.
Head, good.
Stand by.
Here, take this.
Let me--thank you.
Laird, hey, buddy, how you doing? I don't know if you remember me or not.
Uh, Stacey's boyfriend, Eric.
Yeah, the black guy.
Listen, whatever Bree says, don't take it too seriously, okay? She's got food poisoning.
She's gonna be fine.
What? Because I'm a doctor.
Fine, almost a doctor.
Here you go.
Eric, dude, not to be ungrateful, but you got this, right? Yeah, you guys can go.
- Bless you.
- I've got this.
Stace, I just have to say I'm really sorry, okay? I shouldn't have put the whole night on you.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
You're a good friend.
Also, Brett's an ass head.
Go meet someone tons better.
Okay.
Feel better.
- Bye.
- Go like the wind.
Bye, guys.
I don't--I think I could only tickle tonight.
Damn it! Oh, God, seriously? You know, all I wanted to do tonight was to eat meat, hear music, and look at cute indie boys.
Did it have to be so frickin' impossible? You know, I guess when your life's sucking, you can't just decide you're gonna have this awesome night and have it actually work out.
No, if your life's going great, you can do that.
Me, I just end up lighting 100 bucks I don't have on fire for cold meds, a penis pinata, and weed I didn't even get to smoke.
Night's over.
Let's go home.
[Upbeat indie music.]
All right, well, sorry that sucked.
We could have just sat around wallowing.
At least we tried.
Oh, those hipsters and their ironic marching bands, always knowing just went to come around.
You, this is the kind of crap loves.
Idiot.
You're really a bomb, huh? I'm just extentially disappointed.
Where are you going? To keep tryin'! Come on, teen.
I got the devil in me! I see why you don't dance.
Oh, what, you don't like these moves? No, I don't.
You don't? This one's gold.
[Laughs.]
I might know of a job for you.
I'm here to clean Gwen Donahue's apartment.
Keep the gloves on.
It's definitely happening.
I'm being paid for sex.
Something's wrong down there.
I'm not just a friend.
I'm a doctor.
It just looks angry.