I Love Lucy (1951) s01e04 Episode Script
Lucy Thinks Ricky is Trying to Murder Her
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) (soundlessly mouthing words) (soundlessly mouthing words) (soundlessly mouthing words) Hi, honey! Look what I got.
Pretty good, eh? "Held over! Ricky Ricardo and his orchestra at the beautiful Tropicana.
" Yes, sir isn't that wonderful? They want us to stay another four weeks.
If everything goes as well as it did tonight, we'll stay there a hundred years.
I took so many bows tonight that I got a charley horse in my hip.
Boy, they sure recognize talent when they see it.
Good night.
(screams) Oh My goodness, you scared me! When did you sneak in here? A couple of minutes ago.
Oh, I must have been so interested in my book.
Where did my book go? Where is my book? It went out the window.
Out the window? I don't see it anywhere.
Of course not- it's dark out there.
Good night.
Ricky What? One of us ought to get up and go down and get it.
One of us? Yes.
Which one of us did you have in mind? Oh, the one that's the biggest and the strongest.
Okay.
Go ahead.
Oh, Ricky.
Now, look, honey, I'm a husband, not a retriever.
Good night.
How can I go to sleep till I know who killed her? Let's see it was either the upstairs maid or the butler or the cook.
It was her husband.
Her husband? He didn't have any reason to kill her.
He was married, wasn't he? Oh I can see it all now: He worked very hard all day.
Got home about 2:00 in the morning.
She started pestering him.
Wouldn't let him sleep.
He stood it as long as he could.
Finally, he decided to do away with her.
So he got out of bed looked around for a murder weapon.
A gun! Nah make too much noise.
A knife! Aha! Too sloppy.
Aha! A scarf.
Perfect.
It would do the job quietly and neatly.
Slowly he approaches the bed, murder in his heart.
And then (snoring loudly) (snoring loudly) Good morning, Lucy.
I had the most exciting time last night.
I learned how What's that you're reading? Lucy (screams) Gosh, did I scare you? No, no.
I was just getting ready to scream and throw my book out the window anyway.
I'm sorry.
Gee, no wonder they call it The Mockingbird Murder Mystery.
Every time I get that book in my hand, it flies out the window.
Oh, Lucy, forget that book.
I had the most exciting time last night.
I learned how to tell fortunes with playing cards.
Come on in, I'll tell your fortune.
Look, Ethel, we just rent this apartment from you.
It doesn't say anything in the lease about having to have our fortune told.
Besides, I don't believe in that silly stuff.
Oh, but this system never fails.
It's just fantastic the stuff we learned last night.
Well, maybe the cards will tell you where my book is.
Now, Lucy, you've got to be serious, or the cards won't tell you anything.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Okay serious.
Now, we have here Wait a minute, Ethel, what's wrong with these cards? Oh, look, let's forget the fortune-telling.
You're right, there's nothing to it.
Yeah, I know there's nothing to it, but I want to know what it is there's nothing to.
Oh, but really, Lucy Why did you look like you did when you saw these cards? No, Lucy, please.
(gasps) Now, what does this grubby little group of cards have to say for itself? Well this is your card.
The queen of hearts- that's you.
Yeah.
And this card right next to it is the ace of spades.
What does that mean? Death.
Death! Well, what's it doing so close to me? That's just it.
When your card is next to the ace of spades, that means you're going to be dead.
Dead? Like in "as a doornail"? Oh, what's the matter with me? I don't believe in fortune-telling.
I don't either.
(laughs giddily) Well, what are you laughing at? I'm laughing at fortune-telling because it's so silly.
(laughs giddily) (laughs forcedly) Do you know anyone who would like to kill you? No.
Well, then, you can see Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Last night I thought Ricky was going to.
Ricky?! Yeah oh, but he was just kidding.
I think.
(phone rings) The phone.
(screams) Oh RICKY: Hello? Oh, Ricky got it.
I'd better get him some coffee.
MAN: Hello, Ricky? Yeah.
Who's this? This is Jerry, your agent, remember? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm way over in Jersey.
Listen, I signed up that dog act for you.
They're all set for next week.
Good, good.
Yeah, and now I got to go see a talking seal.
Talking seal? Does he do an act? No, no.
The seal is the manager.
He's got a couple of trained people.
You're daffy.
Hey, listen, I want to give you the dope on the dogs.
You have to get it to the publicity department this morning, or it'll never get out on time.
Okay, Jerry, wait a minute, will you? All right.
Wait a minute.
Give me their names.
Oh, here's the dogs' names: Ann Ann.
Mary Mary.
Helen Helen.
Cynthia Cynthia.
Alice Alice.
and Theodore.
Theodore.
Yeah.
These are dogs? Well, that's the way they want to be billed.
Oh, and listen, while I think of it, you know, your budget can't afford all those dogs and a girl singer.
Now, what are you going to do about Marilyn? Oh, I didn't tell you, huh? Well, I've been wondering what to do about her for a long time.
I finally made up my mind.
I'm going to get rid of her.
Yeah, she's been with me a long time, Jerry, and that's the trouble- she's been with me too long.
After all, the same face night after night gets pretty tiresome.
I'll I'll probably miss her some, but in a couple of weeks, I'll get another one and she'll be just as good.
Maybe even better.
Yeah, well, I guess you're right.
A girl singer isn't the most important thing in the world.
Oh, before I forget, did you pick up that trick gadget for the Western number? The gun? Yeah, I got it right here in my desk drawer.
Oh, that's a good deal.
Okay, then, I'll see you later, then.
Good-bye, Jerry.
Oh, hiya, honey.
Hi! Hi.
Listen, I have to rush right down to the club, so I'll get breakfast down there.
Bye.
Good-bye.
Oh I'll be back in a couple of hours.
Bye.
Uh-oh, I forgot.
(drawer slams) Ethel! Ethel! What's the matter? You're looking at a future doornail.
Huh? Ricky just tried to kill me.
Really? Then I'm a better fortune-teller than I thought.
What am I saying? What are you talking about? I overheard him on the phone.
He's been planning this a long time, and he finally decided to do it.
Last night was just a dress rehearsal.
Oh, no, Lucy, you must have misunderstood him.
No, I didn't.
He took a shot at me already, but he missed.
Was that the noise I heard just now? Yeah.
he bought a gun especially for it.
Let's see if it's in that desk.
(gasps) Oh, you poor, poor thing.
What's that? Ricky wrote something while he was talking on the phone and he blotted it on this blotter.
Where are you going? Mirror.
Mirror? Yeah.
Oh, so you can read it.
My, you're clever.
I don't read mystery books for nothing.
"Helen, Ann, Mary " (moaning loudly) What's it mean? I'm not even cold yet, and Ricky's lining up girls to take my place.
"Helen, Ann, Mary, Cynthia, Alice, Theodore.
" Theodore? (gasps) Oh! It's you.
I thought it was Ricky.
Well, what are you going to do? Just stay here and wait for him to shoot you? Oh, I thought maybe I could talk to him, make him change his mind.
Are you crazy? I still love him, Ethel.
Well, all I've got to say is, Lucy, you're awfully brave.
Oh, I'm not brave at all.
I'm scared to death.
Every time I think about it, I get a sinking feeling right here.
(clang) You get a sinking feeling where? Here.
(clang) Here? (clang) What's that? Bulletproof vest.
And that's not all I bulletproofed.
That's in case he shoots me in the back.
I got it all figured out, Ethel.
I'm going to stand right up to him, and when he comes in that door, I'm going to say, "Okay, Ricky, okay.
What seems to be the trouble between us?" What are you doing? A moving target is harder to hit.
RICKY: Lucy! It's Ricky! Where are you, Lucy? Save me, save me! Who's going to save me? He won't shoot you, it's me he's after.
Yes, but to get to you, he's got to go through me.
Lucy! Let me go.
Ethel, Ethel, you can't do this to me.
You're my best friend.
I know I'm your best friend.
That's why I can't stand to see you riddled with bullets.
But Ethel! Ethel! Ethel! Oh, hello, honey, there you are.
What's the matter with you, you got an itch or something? No, nothing's the matter with me.
What's new? What's new?! I can't go on.
I give up.
Go ahead, shoot.
Shoot who? Me.
Don't talk silly.
Oh, you're getting smart, huh? Guns make noise, the neighbors might hear.
(screams) So you're going to strangle me.
I'm not going to shoot you, and I'm not going to strangle you.
Fortunately, I'm too big for the garbage disposal.
Lucy, for goodness' sakes Honey Lucy, what's the matter with you? Nothing, and there isn't gonna be, either.
Honey! Lucy! Come out here, honey.
Come on, what's the matter with you? Go away! Open the door, honey! Come on, honey, open the door! Go away! Open the door, honey! Honey, please, open the door! Come on, honey, come on, what's the matter with you? Hey, Ricky, what's going on up here? Oh, hello, Fred.
Ethel came running down to our place and told me to hurry up here right away.
What's the matter? Don't ask me, Fred- Lucy's acting crazy.
Crazy for Lucy, or crazy for ordinary people? Crazy for anybody.
She seems to have some idea that I'm going to kill her.
That doesn't mean anything.
Sooner or later every married woman decides that her husband wants to kill her.
She's usually right.
Look, Fred, please, this is no time for jokes.
She's really upset.
I've never seen her like this way before.
Look, I got to go to the club I got a big rehearsal over there.
I don't want to leave her alone here tonight.
There's only one thing you can do.
The same thing I do with Ethel when she gets upset.
What's that? Slip her a Mickey.
A Mickey? Well, not really a Mickey unfortunately.
Just a mild sedative.
Here, I've got one here- wait.
That's a stomach capsule.
Oh, there's that button I want sewed back on my pants.
Here here it is- here's the sedative.
Oh, great.
If she thinks I'm gonna kill her, you don't think she's she'll take this, do you? Just drop that in a glass of soda water and she'll never know the difference.
Well, it's not a bad idea, but I don't know.
Now, that'll put her to sleep for the rest of the night.
You go on down to the club.
I'll look in from time to time and see that she's all right.
Well, thanks, amigo, I hope it works.
Don't you worry about a thing.
Lucy! Yeah-yeah? Come on, honey, have a drink.
Well, I I'm not really very thirsty.
Oh, come on, sweetheart, it'll do you good.
Come on, honey, come on.
Well, all right.
Let's dance.
Dance? Yeah, I haven't danced in a long time.
Put your glass down here.
But honey, there's no music.
Oh, who needs music? You dance divinely.
That's enough dancing, let's drink.
(gasps) Look at that! What? That is the biggest spider I've ever seen.
Where? Where? I don't see anything.
Well, I gu I guess I was mistaken.
Oh.
Well, let's drink.
Salud.
Gesundheit.
No, wait! What was that for? I can't do it to you even though you would do it to me.
What are you talking about? I switched glasses.
I know you did, I switched them back.
You mean you mean, I got the one with th-th-the You certainly did.
(crying hoarsely) Ricky Ricky, come here, I want to talk to you.
Ricky, no matter what you've done, I forgive you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Gee, that's a powerful sleeping powder.
Sleeping powder, ha! The sleep from which no one returns.
Oh, honey, come on, you'd better lie down.
Let me help you lie down.
Lie down, honey, lie down.
Don't rush me! I'll be lying down for a long, long time.
Boy, that certainly did the trick.
(screams) (screaming) Where's Ricky? He's gone.
Are you all right, Lucy? (crying hoarsely) What happened? I got a Mickey from Ricky.
This is it, Ethel.
You're just in time to say good-bye.
Good-bye, Lucy.
Good-bye.
How long do you think I've got? Not long.
I've got time.
I've got to.
What are you going to do? I'm going down to Ricky's club.
If I can't have him, nobody else can.
I'll come with you.
Get your coat.
I'm going to rub him out with the same gun he was going to use on me.
(laughter and chatter) All right, Ricky! (yelling) Lucy! Lucy, what are you doing? You know what I'm doing.
Honey, don't make a scene.
Hector, they're wonderful, they're really great particularly Mary and Cynthia.
Mary and Cynthia? Did you write their names down on the telephone pad? Yes.
That's Ann, Helen, Mary, Cynthia, Alice and that's Theodore.
That's Theodore.
Then that really was a sleeping powder in my drink.
Certainly.
Well, then, what are you doing with that gun? I was going to shoot you.
(screams) Oh, honey.
Hi, honey.
The opening was wonderful! We were sensational.
Good night.
(screams) I hope this time you can't find it.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) WGBH access.
wgbh.
org
Pretty good, eh? "Held over! Ricky Ricardo and his orchestra at the beautiful Tropicana.
" Yes, sir isn't that wonderful? They want us to stay another four weeks.
If everything goes as well as it did tonight, we'll stay there a hundred years.
I took so many bows tonight that I got a charley horse in my hip.
Boy, they sure recognize talent when they see it.
Good night.
(screams) Oh My goodness, you scared me! When did you sneak in here? A couple of minutes ago.
Oh, I must have been so interested in my book.
Where did my book go? Where is my book? It went out the window.
Out the window? I don't see it anywhere.
Of course not- it's dark out there.
Good night.
Ricky What? One of us ought to get up and go down and get it.
One of us? Yes.
Which one of us did you have in mind? Oh, the one that's the biggest and the strongest.
Okay.
Go ahead.
Oh, Ricky.
Now, look, honey, I'm a husband, not a retriever.
Good night.
How can I go to sleep till I know who killed her? Let's see it was either the upstairs maid or the butler or the cook.
It was her husband.
Her husband? He didn't have any reason to kill her.
He was married, wasn't he? Oh I can see it all now: He worked very hard all day.
Got home about 2:00 in the morning.
She started pestering him.
Wouldn't let him sleep.
He stood it as long as he could.
Finally, he decided to do away with her.
So he got out of bed looked around for a murder weapon.
A gun! Nah make too much noise.
A knife! Aha! Too sloppy.
Aha! A scarf.
Perfect.
It would do the job quietly and neatly.
Slowly he approaches the bed, murder in his heart.
And then (snoring loudly) (snoring loudly) Good morning, Lucy.
I had the most exciting time last night.
I learned how What's that you're reading? Lucy (screams) Gosh, did I scare you? No, no.
I was just getting ready to scream and throw my book out the window anyway.
I'm sorry.
Gee, no wonder they call it The Mockingbird Murder Mystery.
Every time I get that book in my hand, it flies out the window.
Oh, Lucy, forget that book.
I had the most exciting time last night.
I learned how to tell fortunes with playing cards.
Come on in, I'll tell your fortune.
Look, Ethel, we just rent this apartment from you.
It doesn't say anything in the lease about having to have our fortune told.
Besides, I don't believe in that silly stuff.
Oh, but this system never fails.
It's just fantastic the stuff we learned last night.
Well, maybe the cards will tell you where my book is.
Now, Lucy, you've got to be serious, or the cards won't tell you anything.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Okay serious.
Now, we have here Wait a minute, Ethel, what's wrong with these cards? Oh, look, let's forget the fortune-telling.
You're right, there's nothing to it.
Yeah, I know there's nothing to it, but I want to know what it is there's nothing to.
Oh, but really, Lucy Why did you look like you did when you saw these cards? No, Lucy, please.
(gasps) Now, what does this grubby little group of cards have to say for itself? Well this is your card.
The queen of hearts- that's you.
Yeah.
And this card right next to it is the ace of spades.
What does that mean? Death.
Death! Well, what's it doing so close to me? That's just it.
When your card is next to the ace of spades, that means you're going to be dead.
Dead? Like in "as a doornail"? Oh, what's the matter with me? I don't believe in fortune-telling.
I don't either.
(laughs giddily) Well, what are you laughing at? I'm laughing at fortune-telling because it's so silly.
(laughs giddily) (laughs forcedly) Do you know anyone who would like to kill you? No.
Well, then, you can see Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Last night I thought Ricky was going to.
Ricky?! Yeah oh, but he was just kidding.
I think.
(phone rings) The phone.
(screams) Oh RICKY: Hello? Oh, Ricky got it.
I'd better get him some coffee.
MAN: Hello, Ricky? Yeah.
Who's this? This is Jerry, your agent, remember? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm way over in Jersey.
Listen, I signed up that dog act for you.
They're all set for next week.
Good, good.
Yeah, and now I got to go see a talking seal.
Talking seal? Does he do an act? No, no.
The seal is the manager.
He's got a couple of trained people.
You're daffy.
Hey, listen, I want to give you the dope on the dogs.
You have to get it to the publicity department this morning, or it'll never get out on time.
Okay, Jerry, wait a minute, will you? All right.
Wait a minute.
Give me their names.
Oh, here's the dogs' names: Ann Ann.
Mary Mary.
Helen Helen.
Cynthia Cynthia.
Alice Alice.
and Theodore.
Theodore.
Yeah.
These are dogs? Well, that's the way they want to be billed.
Oh, and listen, while I think of it, you know, your budget can't afford all those dogs and a girl singer.
Now, what are you going to do about Marilyn? Oh, I didn't tell you, huh? Well, I've been wondering what to do about her for a long time.
I finally made up my mind.
I'm going to get rid of her.
Yeah, she's been with me a long time, Jerry, and that's the trouble- she's been with me too long.
After all, the same face night after night gets pretty tiresome.
I'll I'll probably miss her some, but in a couple of weeks, I'll get another one and she'll be just as good.
Maybe even better.
Yeah, well, I guess you're right.
A girl singer isn't the most important thing in the world.
Oh, before I forget, did you pick up that trick gadget for the Western number? The gun? Yeah, I got it right here in my desk drawer.
Oh, that's a good deal.
Okay, then, I'll see you later, then.
Good-bye, Jerry.
Oh, hiya, honey.
Hi! Hi.
Listen, I have to rush right down to the club, so I'll get breakfast down there.
Bye.
Good-bye.
Oh I'll be back in a couple of hours.
Bye.
Uh-oh, I forgot.
(drawer slams) Ethel! Ethel! What's the matter? You're looking at a future doornail.
Huh? Ricky just tried to kill me.
Really? Then I'm a better fortune-teller than I thought.
What am I saying? What are you talking about? I overheard him on the phone.
He's been planning this a long time, and he finally decided to do it.
Last night was just a dress rehearsal.
Oh, no, Lucy, you must have misunderstood him.
No, I didn't.
He took a shot at me already, but he missed.
Was that the noise I heard just now? Yeah.
he bought a gun especially for it.
Let's see if it's in that desk.
(gasps) Oh, you poor, poor thing.
What's that? Ricky wrote something while he was talking on the phone and he blotted it on this blotter.
Where are you going? Mirror.
Mirror? Yeah.
Oh, so you can read it.
My, you're clever.
I don't read mystery books for nothing.
"Helen, Ann, Mary " (moaning loudly) What's it mean? I'm not even cold yet, and Ricky's lining up girls to take my place.
"Helen, Ann, Mary, Cynthia, Alice, Theodore.
" Theodore? (gasps) Oh! It's you.
I thought it was Ricky.
Well, what are you going to do? Just stay here and wait for him to shoot you? Oh, I thought maybe I could talk to him, make him change his mind.
Are you crazy? I still love him, Ethel.
Well, all I've got to say is, Lucy, you're awfully brave.
Oh, I'm not brave at all.
I'm scared to death.
Every time I think about it, I get a sinking feeling right here.
(clang) You get a sinking feeling where? Here.
(clang) Here? (clang) What's that? Bulletproof vest.
And that's not all I bulletproofed.
That's in case he shoots me in the back.
I got it all figured out, Ethel.
I'm going to stand right up to him, and when he comes in that door, I'm going to say, "Okay, Ricky, okay.
What seems to be the trouble between us?" What are you doing? A moving target is harder to hit.
RICKY: Lucy! It's Ricky! Where are you, Lucy? Save me, save me! Who's going to save me? He won't shoot you, it's me he's after.
Yes, but to get to you, he's got to go through me.
Lucy! Let me go.
Ethel, Ethel, you can't do this to me.
You're my best friend.
I know I'm your best friend.
That's why I can't stand to see you riddled with bullets.
But Ethel! Ethel! Ethel! Oh, hello, honey, there you are.
What's the matter with you, you got an itch or something? No, nothing's the matter with me.
What's new? What's new?! I can't go on.
I give up.
Go ahead, shoot.
Shoot who? Me.
Don't talk silly.
Oh, you're getting smart, huh? Guns make noise, the neighbors might hear.
(screams) So you're going to strangle me.
I'm not going to shoot you, and I'm not going to strangle you.
Fortunately, I'm too big for the garbage disposal.
Lucy, for goodness' sakes Honey Lucy, what's the matter with you? Nothing, and there isn't gonna be, either.
Honey! Lucy! Come out here, honey.
Come on, what's the matter with you? Go away! Open the door, honey! Come on, honey, open the door! Go away! Open the door, honey! Honey, please, open the door! Come on, honey, come on, what's the matter with you? Hey, Ricky, what's going on up here? Oh, hello, Fred.
Ethel came running down to our place and told me to hurry up here right away.
What's the matter? Don't ask me, Fred- Lucy's acting crazy.
Crazy for Lucy, or crazy for ordinary people? Crazy for anybody.
She seems to have some idea that I'm going to kill her.
That doesn't mean anything.
Sooner or later every married woman decides that her husband wants to kill her.
She's usually right.
Look, Fred, please, this is no time for jokes.
She's really upset.
I've never seen her like this way before.
Look, I got to go to the club I got a big rehearsal over there.
I don't want to leave her alone here tonight.
There's only one thing you can do.
The same thing I do with Ethel when she gets upset.
What's that? Slip her a Mickey.
A Mickey? Well, not really a Mickey unfortunately.
Just a mild sedative.
Here, I've got one here- wait.
That's a stomach capsule.
Oh, there's that button I want sewed back on my pants.
Here here it is- here's the sedative.
Oh, great.
If she thinks I'm gonna kill her, you don't think she's she'll take this, do you? Just drop that in a glass of soda water and she'll never know the difference.
Well, it's not a bad idea, but I don't know.
Now, that'll put her to sleep for the rest of the night.
You go on down to the club.
I'll look in from time to time and see that she's all right.
Well, thanks, amigo, I hope it works.
Don't you worry about a thing.
Lucy! Yeah-yeah? Come on, honey, have a drink.
Well, I I'm not really very thirsty.
Oh, come on, sweetheart, it'll do you good.
Come on, honey, come on.
Well, all right.
Let's dance.
Dance? Yeah, I haven't danced in a long time.
Put your glass down here.
But honey, there's no music.
Oh, who needs music? You dance divinely.
That's enough dancing, let's drink.
(gasps) Look at that! What? That is the biggest spider I've ever seen.
Where? Where? I don't see anything.
Well, I gu I guess I was mistaken.
Oh.
Well, let's drink.
Salud.
Gesundheit.
No, wait! What was that for? I can't do it to you even though you would do it to me.
What are you talking about? I switched glasses.
I know you did, I switched them back.
You mean you mean, I got the one with th-th-the You certainly did.
(crying hoarsely) Ricky Ricky, come here, I want to talk to you.
Ricky, no matter what you've done, I forgive you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Gee, that's a powerful sleeping powder.
Sleeping powder, ha! The sleep from which no one returns.
Oh, honey, come on, you'd better lie down.
Let me help you lie down.
Lie down, honey, lie down.
Don't rush me! I'll be lying down for a long, long time.
Boy, that certainly did the trick.
(screams) (screaming) Where's Ricky? He's gone.
Are you all right, Lucy? (crying hoarsely) What happened? I got a Mickey from Ricky.
This is it, Ethel.
You're just in time to say good-bye.
Good-bye, Lucy.
Good-bye.
How long do you think I've got? Not long.
I've got time.
I've got to.
What are you going to do? I'm going down to Ricky's club.
If I can't have him, nobody else can.
I'll come with you.
Get your coat.
I'm going to rub him out with the same gun he was going to use on me.
(laughter and chatter) All right, Ricky! (yelling) Lucy! Lucy, what are you doing? You know what I'm doing.
Honey, don't make a scene.
Hector, they're wonderful, they're really great particularly Mary and Cynthia.
Mary and Cynthia? Did you write their names down on the telephone pad? Yes.
That's Ann, Helen, Mary, Cynthia, Alice and that's Theodore.
That's Theodore.
Then that really was a sleeping powder in my drink.
Certainly.
Well, then, what are you doing with that gun? I was going to shoot you.
(screams) Oh, honey.
Hi, honey.
The opening was wonderful! We were sensational.
Good night.
(screams) I hope this time you can't find it.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) WGBH access.
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