I Rock (2010) s01e04 Episode Script

(GUITAR AMP HUMS) (POWER CHORD PLAYS) (PLAYS SIMPLE ROCK RIFF) Might I suggest something? No.
(PLAYS SEASONED ROCK RIFF) Don't say a word.
(PROMO ON RADIO ECHOES) Triple j.
RADIO HOST: OK, this is Hit or Shit, where you tell us what you think of new music.
Next up, indie outfit from Sydney Mention the EP, mention the EP.
They've been around for a few years, but they've just released a debut EP, 'Dressed to the Tens'.
(ROCK INTRO PLAYS ON RADIO) Oh, yay! RADIO HOST: 'Catch and Kiss'.
Not that you'd be able to tell from their lyrics, but I heard on the grapevine that these guys played a Christian festival a couple of weeks ago.
Anyway, let me know what you think.
('CATCH AND KISS' PLAYS ON RADIO) Said I wasn't allowed There were you all Sitting in the back seat Kicking out with both feet We still got four 'Hits' to three 'Shits'.
We might get a few more plays.
You think those communist triple j motherfuckers will play us again if that Christian thing sticks? Just my luck to live in a stupid little country with only one national station that plays indie rock.
Fucking Australia.
Peace be with you.
I emailed my mates at triple j - told them you weren't Christian.
I also did a little blog about it too.
Oh, ripper.
And I hear you guys are getting label interest since Splendour.
You guys are really kicking goals.
More annoying than anything.
Some music channel keeps pestering us for an interview.
MTV.
I suppose if I actually watched TV I'd know that.
They're doing some special, 'Next Something Something'.
'Next Big Thing'.
Yeah, I think we're gonna shoot a film clip for 'Catch and Kiss'.
Wow.
Really? Yeah.
You know, do something really cool, capitalise on the radio exposure, put the Christian thing to bed.
Great! When's it happening? Do you need to use my video camera? It's cool if you do.
Jane, we're overdue to rehearse.
And did you know that Val did a videography certificate? Cinematography certificate.
Oh, sorry.
At the Inner West Community College.
Jane, they know music is my focus right now.
And I know heaps of hot, young directors so if you need me to set up a meeting or anything, let me know.
Hey, guys, I heard the song back in L.
A.
, OK? Seriously, it kicks ass, alright? It's a great track.
Um, is it in English? Look, it doesn't matter, alright? So what are we talking about here? We're talking about a music video.
Music - that's you guys.
Video - that's me.
OK? I have an idea.
The track begins.
(IMITATES GUITAR RIFF) (IMITATES C YMBALS) Your bit.
Boom! We're in a control room.
Sorry.
We're gonna shoot it wide-screen.
Lights, buttons, radar and shit.
And who's at the controls? Guinea pigs.
Guinea pigs? Female guinea pigs.
What's the difference? Where are these guinea pigs? Piloting a zeppelin.
Just heard the word 'zeppelin'.
It sounds great already.
Are you sure you don't want a drink? My medication does not sit well with alcohol, but thanks.
So this guinea pig zeppelin's cruising over a city, alright, the little fuckers looking out the little windows, getting all excited.
No, agitated.
Agitated's a better word.
They're doing backflips.
They're headbutting each other.
High fives.
They've got sonar equipment.
They've got night-vision goggles.
There's fax machines, telegrams, ignored friend requests.
We're talking some serious female guinea pig shit, chaos and mayhem.
And what's the fuss about? What are they looking at? What they're looking at is the 1989 Tiananmen Square massacre.
(SNIGGERS) Tiananmen.
We're not even at the good part yet.
You know when the tank tries to turn? The guy with the shopping bags standing in front? You know What's his name? You know, tank man, the Chinese guy.
That's when we see the guineas' little hands on the controls, pushing the buttons and we realise for the first time - "Holy shit!" - the guinea pigs are orchestrating the killing.
As if you'd name yourself X anyway.
"Hi.
My name's L.
" "My name's Semicolon.
" (GIGGLES) Hey, you can say what you like.
That guinea pig idea - brilliant.
I had a guinea pig when I was a kid.
My dad and his mates got really stoned and decided to watch it ride in the tumble dryer.
Bullshit! Bull true! There was nothing on TV.
You're such a bogan.
And what? Are you getting shot out of a cannon or something? Cara's roller derby season starts next week.
She doesn't know it yet, but I'm gonna be her secret weapon.
Are you going? Yeah.
I have to.
Is that OK? No, I just thought we were gonna, you know, sort out the film clip.
No, it's alright.
It's fine.
Forget X.
You'll come up with something better.
(ON TV) Rage! Mmm, she's definitely turning.
Oh, jeez, would you give up already? I'm serious.
Like, she's always flirting with me.
Flirting with you? Yeah.
What, like playing with your shirt and stuff and looking you in the eye when she's talking to you? Exactly, and all that (SWEETLY)"Hey, Nash.
" Yeah, it's called being nice, mate.
"How you going?" No.
Come on, it's nice.
I knew you'd say that.
She's nice to everyone.
She's nicer to me.
She's nicer to Cara.
Look at this shit.
Yeah.
I'm gonna get Scarlett Johansson to be in my film clip so I can pash her.
What a wanker.
Mmm, it's brilliant.
Finally someone using their rock god status to achieve some actual good.
Mmm, I say screw Chris Martin and his malnourished African fair-trade kids.
So the three guys - that's us - we're gonna be running down the street.
Three guys running down the street in a film clip? Who are we? Eskimo Joe? No.
There's a girl as well running down the street.
That's gonna be Comet.
And then we realise three guys are, like, chasing the girl.
Three guys chasing a chick down a street? That's fucking dodgy.
It's not dodgy.
It's a game.
Yeah, to the three guys maybe.
Anyway, so the three guys The rapists.
They're not rapists.
They're just regular guys.
They can't catch the girl at first, right? She's too clever.
I approve.
Continue.
But then the girl accidentally runs into an alley and realises it's a dead end.
(MOCKINGLY) Oh, no! So one of the guys appears at the head of the alley.
He's like, "Grr, I found you!" Gee, that wouldn't be you, would it? Well, I'm the frontman, so He's the frontman.
Then he kisses her.
Oh, because it's called 'Catch and Kiss'.
Wow.
It's so literal it's almost surreal.
Yeah, your mum's almost Arggh! So the end of the clip is you kissing Comet? Well, it's just acting.
I mean, we're mates.
And you seriously think Cara's gonna go for this? Who cares? I'm not afraid of her.
Ow! If you're not cool with it, we won't do it.
Yeah, if you're not cool with it, just tell us.
It's, um I think of you as a friend as well, so a problem for you is a problem for me.
Is it my round? 'Cause I'm totally out of cash.
The ATM in here never has any money.
Have you noticed that? It's totally bogus.
Whatever.
Pash with my blessing.
Here.
Yay! This is gonna be fun.
Mm.
Fuck! Uh SONG: Crawl back To your friends And you can tell them Hi from me 'Cause though they'll be wrong in the pictures they paint over I am a sinner and you are the sin I can't see the way It's a colours thing You go away Hey.
JASPER: OK, so we've got sandwiches, chips, poppers.
Is there anything else we need? Luke, it's 7:30.
What do you take me for? They're for afterwards.
Really? Yep.
You know, I'm giving Nashie the benefit of the doubt on this one.
I reckon it's about time something went right for Boy Crazy Stacey.
Jasper, where's our crew? (SCOFFS) Or maybe not.
It's stage make-up.
It looks a little weird.
Yeah, don't talk to me about looking weird.
We're gonna be running a lot.
Comet's not gonna want to kiss you looking like that.
Oh, yeah? Wanna bet? (NASH LAUGHS) COMET: What's so funny? (LAUGHS) Told ya.
It's stage make-up.
Oh.
MAN: Hey.
What's he doing here? You asked me to organise a crew.
Why the fuck would I want Val shooting our clip? 'Cause he agreed to do it for free.
Nash, you could've asked Jane for the camera instead of purloining it.
What's on the tape, Val? Material of a private nature.
So who's directing this masterpiece? I should tell you I look pretty silly when I run.
You'll be great.
Most of it's in slow-mo anyway.
Everyone looks good in slow-mo.
Yeah.
Do you want me to get that for you? No, no, don't.
Manual extractions leave scars.
So just What? I read that somewhere.
I Val? That's weird.
Are we ready? Yes, if you're happy with the merely conventional.
Your mum's merely conventional.
Looking good, guys! Good.
Let's do this.
So Jane really let you film it? It didn't take much to convince her.
What? Six, seven beers? OK, we're rolling.
And action.
What the fuck? Jasper, have you ever seen him run before? He didn't do a lot of sport in school.
NASH: Stop there.
Comet, you can stop.
You can stop.
Was that OK? Looked awesome.
Yeah? (LAUGHS) Hey, guys, just don't say anything, OK? This is a big deal for the band and he's under a lot of pressure.
Face it, Jasper.
This is another huge clusterfuck for Boy Crazy.
Please.
Fine.
My lips will be otherwise sealed.
NASH: How was that? That was good.
Yeah, really good, mate.
Good.
Here.
Give me that.
Oi, what are you doing? Taking a look at the shot.
We've got a lot to get through today.
Let's just maybe check it later.
I'm a director.
I need to see what we're shooting.
Oh, my God.
Jasper, change those clothes now.
You look fucking ridiculous.
BO Y CRAZY STACEY: Said I wasn't allowed There were you all Sitting in the back seat Kicking out with both feet Gumming up the windows Spitting like cats, yeah What I wrote on your cast Didn't mean it Separate the girls and watch 'em from the walls Well, I've already tried to Keep a secret Slow rot You're not getting any younger, oh Catch and kiss that little heart You try to guess out loud Staring eyes to the ground Paper passing hand-to-hand Oh, waiting for a magic sound Making up a foolish plan You treat aesthetics like ballast waiting to be unhitched.
For the last time, we're not shooting the whole thing with the camera on a 90-degree angle.
A 70-degree angle.
There is a big difference.
Ah, cutie.
What are you wearing? Jane.
Everyone, this is Jacinta and Kyle from MTV.
They're interviewing Val and me.
Nash, I saw you guys play with Rocket Science last year.
I hope you don't mind us interrupting your shoot.
Jane and Val never told me this was happening today.
That's all.
This was the only day MTV could do.
Thought better to do it here than delay the clip further.
I never asked Val to shoot the clip in the first place.
Jasper did.
Well, we'll try to keep it short.
Um, how about we set up past that playground? And, Val, I really like your outfit, by the way.
Why don't you ask Jacinta to hang around afterwards and check out your shoot? Getting on MTV can't hurt publicity-wise.
You're so generous.
Look, I know things have been weird since we broke up.
You've been weird.
But both of our bands are doing well right now, more or less.
I'm just trying to be friends.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Everyone wants to be friends.
So I was reading some of my poetry to Val just to get his opinion, really.
Well, to be fair, Jane, the main catalyst was when I quit my former band, Boy Crazy Stacey.
Breaking free of that restrictive environment was what helped push myself musically.
At least we got a mention.
JACINTA: So how did you come up with the name Akimbo? It's hot in this thing.
It's actually (SINGS RISING NOTES) A-kim-bo! JACINTA: Uh, right, I think we've got enough.
Thank you.
This is Val's, isn't it? You know who Val reminds me of? Jan from 'The Brady Bunch'.
Do you guys have Foxtel? She was always, like, intimidated by how good Marcia was at everything, so she always had to try superhard to impress everyone by writing essays and tap-dancing and stuff.
So you're saying I'm like Marcia Brady? Exactly.
(LAUGHS) You're such a weirdo.
JANE: Luke! Give it back! Jesus! (LUKE CHUCKLES) JASPER: Come on, Luke.
Val, do something! Darling, you've got nothing to be embarrassed about.
Oh, fuck.
(MOANING ON VIDEO) Come on.
(GRUNTS) Oh, Luke, you idiot.
Arggh! Man, I was only kidding.
It's not fucking funny.
Do you see Jane laughing? You're such a hypocrite.
You just don't wanna see somebody banging your ex.
Ugh! Go scull another six-pack.
You told me you wanted to do it.
Only because you'd been pestering me for weeks.
Now look what's happened.
Or did you want everyone to see it? Don't be ridiculous.
How can you not feel completely humiliated? I've learnt to discard those sorts of emotions.
Listen, why don't you go back to my place? Have a warm sake and I'll cook you dinner later.
If you think I'm gonna leave Jacinta and Kyle here with you, you're fucking mental.
Oh, this is me chasing Comet into the shipping yard.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
Can I just say, I think the rape overtones are really powerful.
Oh, well, we're not And juxtaposing the innocent song title with dark subject matter, it's pretty edgy.
It's not dodgy.
Oh, you said You said 'edgy'? Yeah, well, we're always trying to push the envelope, so (LAUGHS) Um, do you mind if we hang around for a little while? Yeah, sure, that's MAGIC DIRT: Get, get ready to die Get, get ready to die Hey, hey, roller ball! Glad to be your teacher Glad to fucking meet ya It's the end of the line We won't get the kissing scene right if we don't rehearse.
Um I didn't really know if you were into it or not.
So how's it gonna go? Um, well, you'll be up against the fence, like, trapped.
Like this? Yeah, yeah.
And I, um I sort of come into the alley and I find you.
"Grr!" And then I walk towards you.
Oh, and I want you to kiss me, don't I? Um yeah, yeah.
I guess it'd be a pretty dodgy scene if I didn't.
It's not dodgy.
So should I turn my head this way? Well, how do you normally kiss? I don't know.
How do you? Uh, well, it's a stage kiss, so I think people stick their tongue out slightly when they move in and then they retract it when their lips meet.
Mm.
Um, but what if there is accidental tongue? We'll have to call the shoot off.
CARA: You wouldn't want that.
Hey, ladies.
Cara, what what are you doing here? Just passing through.
How's the acting going? Yeah, yeah, brilliant.
Brilliant.
Uh, we're just That was that was good.
Um, Val? ('CATCH AND KISS' PLAYS ON STEREO) And cut there.
(MUSIC STOPS) Full on.
Gives you chills, doesn't it? Sure you don't want Jasper in a close-up? If I wanted more close-ups, I'd watch your sex tape.
What I've heard, you could use some new techniques.
Burn.
"You know, I like seeing you all hot and sweaty like that.
" "Yeah, that's why I've been running around so much.
"I know you like to see me sweat.
" "You know what I wanna do? "I wanna get all of this sweat and bottle it "and then rub it on my body.
" I didn't know you'd started practising already.
You don't seriously want to do it, do you? It's really rough.
Cara, I fought off my Uncle Phil at my 12th birthday party.
I think I can handle it.
Comet, we already spend so much time together.
I just figure roller derby's kind of my thing just like Boy Crazy Stacey's your thing.
"Yeah, I think I read about that in 'Muff Divers Monthly'.
" You're such a pain in the arse.
Well I think we're doing the kissing scene now.
If you have time, you should stick around.
LUKE: Three guys, yeah, chasing this chick down the street.
Oh, they're gone now, but it looked pretty dodgy.
Hey, what are you doing? Hey! It's alright, mate.
There's no-one on the other end.
Hello.
Hello? You're such a dick.
Comet, just turn towards me a little, slightly.
Decided to stick around? Wouldn't miss it.
So is this where it happens? I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
JANE: What do you mean they kiss? Well, the song is called 'Catch and Kiss'.
Well, that's stupid.
Why would two band members pretend they're together when they're not? I have no idea.
OK, can I get you a little bit closer together? Closer.
Closer.
Closer! OK, I'm happy with that.
This is actually looking pretty good.
JANE: It's gonna alienate fans.
That's all I'm saying.
OK, um, yeah.
Starting positions, everyone.
Jasper, hit the music.
('CATCH AND KISS' PLAYS ON STEREO) And action.
Cut.
Cut there.
Just pash her, you bitch! Was that OK? You were great.
Wait.
He's just going to kiss her? NASH: I just can't concentrate with everyone watching.
I'm not going anywhere.
If Cara's not, I'm not.
JASPER: I think it's better if everyone stays.
But he's just going to kiss her? Nash, I think you're overreacting.
I'm overreacting? Don't You've been trying to undermine me all day, as usual.
JASPER: That's unfair.
He's done a really good job.
And maybe I would take you seriously if you didn't look like an extra from 'Grease'.
But you asked me to get changed.
Well, guess what - you still look stupid.
He's not the one who looks stupid.
What's that supposed to mean? No, no.
Say what you were gonna say.
I can see what's happening here.
What's happening is none of you understand what I'm trying to do.
Yes, we do.
He's just going to kiss her? None of you understand my vision as director and I would really appreciate it if you'd stop interrupting something that you don't understand.
Alright, so here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna finish this film clip and there's nothing any anyone can do about it, alright? Val, are we rolling? (POLICE SIREN BLARES) Step away from the girl right now.
(LAUGHS) Whoops! So the three guys chased the girl into this alley.
It's just the one guy.
It sounds a bit dodgy.
Snap! JASPER: It's not dodgy, Detective.
It's romantic.
Like the Beatles' 'Hard Day's Night', for example? Yeah, exactly.
Except in that one, the girls chase the guys.
I s'pose they were a bit more famous, though.
If you ask me, you've gone a bit literal.
Don't you think the best clips convey the mood of the song without directly translating the lyrics into visuals? We're on a bit of a tight budget.
Well, take the White Stripes.
'Fell in Love With a Girl' with the LEGO - cheaply done, but just a cool, abstract idea.
Anyway, don't listen to me.
I'm just a copper.
You're the musician here.
Listen, could you please arrest me? Sorry? It might get on MTV if Oh, no, I don't think so.
Maybe if you had a knife.
I do have a knife.
'Bye, guys.
I'll check out your MySpace sometime.
Fuck you both, fucking pigs.
Come on, you pigs! What are you gonna do? You persistent little shit.
No, no! Arggh, arggh! (NASH GROANS) Hey, guys.
Maz here.
And still to come on MTV News, Sydney Christian rockers Boy Crazy Stacey can't get arrested in their home town.
Fuck you both.
Come on, fucking pigs.
What are you gonna do? You persistent little shit.
No, no! Arggh, arggh! Phew, that's gotta hurt.
We also swing by the set of the Cassette Kids' new video clip for an exclusive sneak peek.
OK, we got sonar, we got radar.
You know, Tiananmen Square? The guy with the shopping bags? You know, the Chinese guy in front of the tank.
Um is this a zeppelin or dirigible? A blimp? Whatever it is, it needs windows.
Thanks.
OK, how do we know which guinea pigs are female? ('CATCH AND KISS' PLAYS)