iCarly s01e04 Episode Script

-Morning, Carly.
-Morning.
-Hey, you know what I hate? -Mornings? Yeah.
-That's not your locker.
-Then explain this.
I traded it with Arthur Gradstein.
Why would Arthur want your locker in between those two big sweaty wrestlers who fight all the time? He didn't.
Which is why I gave Arthur Freddie's locker and made Freddie take mine.
I'm telling you, this is an illegal move! Yeah, but that's different from this! -Guys, seriously -That's the same thing, dipwad! -Dipwad? -Okay, okay, time-out.
All right, seriously, you guys.
You're crushing my sack lunch! This violates so many rules.
Stop it, you guys.
It hurts.
-Get off! Quit it! -Hey! They're giving away free meat -in the parking lot! -Stop it! Free meat? Protein! Look what they did to my pudding cup.
Give me your hand.
-Carly.
-What? Jake Krandle and Stephanie Jeffers broke up.
They broke up? -Hey, is it true? -Yeah! They broke up last night.
Which means that Jake Krandle is single for the first time since third grade.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait a minute! So we're all gonna lose our minds just 'cause one of us has a tiny chance to date Jake Krandle? -That answer your question? -And shattered my ear drum.
-It doesn't matter.
-Yeah? It's more than just cool.
It's really cool.
-Back up.
He can't see us.
-I know.
Okay, it's so not like me to get all crazy about a hot guy like Jake Krandle.
-But -But, oh, my God, he's so hot, I wanna bake cookies on him.
I'd eat those cookies.
If you like him so much, go say hi to him.
What if he says hi back? Then what do I say? Just say, "I'm sorry I hit you in the head with an apple.
" Why would I ask Carly did it.
I think you accidentally threw this at my head.
Yeah.
Apples can be slippery.
Stupid Fuji.
Well, I should probably get to class.
-Wait.
-Okay.
You're Carly Shay, right? Yeah.
Yes, I am.
How do you know my name? -From your web show iCarly.
-You've seen it? Yeah, you're really good.
It's weird, I kind of feel like I'm talking to a celebrity.
That's weird, 'cause I kind of feel like I'm gonna throw up.
-For real? -No, no, it's fine.
I meant throwing up in the good way.
Right, right.
So, we should hang out sometime.
-Something wrong? -No, I just swallowed my gum.
But, yeah, we should totally hang out.
Maybe you could come by my house and I'll show you where we shoot the web show.
-You shoot it at your house? -Well, apartment.
Or I guess it's more of a loft.
It has an elevator.
-You're really funny.
-Yeah, well.
-I'll see you around.
-Yes, you will.
What did he say? Tell me everything.
He said we should hang out sometime! Actually, I feel that teachers should give us more homework.
-More homework and more discipline.
-Yes.
Discipline is very important.
I think it's a priority in school So, that's supposed to be your body? Well, yeah.
You know, if I looked like this.
It's like you're twins.
So why no head? That goes on later.
Okay, you ready to splatter paint? Okay.
-And Wait.
We need music.
-Yeah, we do.
Okay, ready? On three.
One I can't wait! -Like this? -Yes! You are the splatter master.
-Cool.
-Try closing your eyes.
-Incoming! - Yes! Feel the music.
Be the paint.
-How can I be the paint? -Paint doesn't ask questions.
Good technique.
-I got it.
-Okay.
Hi, Jake.
Jake? Hey, I was in the neighbourhood -Wait here! -Listen, if this is -What's going on? -I have to make myself attractive! -How's it going? -Why are you here? -I just stopped by to see Carly.
-Okay.
There.
You've seen her.
Now why don't you just scurry on out of here? -Hey, sorry about that.
-No worries.
It's okay, Carly.
I got the situation under control.
-I was just asking Jake here -Come on in, Jake.
Look, I really don't think it's such a good idea to be letting this guy in.
-I mean, come on, he's just such a -You're the best.
Yeah.
Just keep kissing those frogs, Carly.
This prince can wait.
So, your older brother is actually shaped like that? No, no.
He has a head.
Hey, look.
I found hot pink and orphan blue.
The saddest of all blues.
Yeah, Spencer, this is my friend Jake.
Jake, this is my brother, Spencer.
-Hey, how's it I probably shouldn't -Yeah, don't.
I'm gonna take Jake upstairs and show him where we shoot iCarly.
-You two going up there alone? -Spencer.
Okay.
But, remember, I could pop up there at any moment, like a ninja.
Here, let me get you a rag.
And as far away from him as possible.
A ninja! -And the third floor.
-Nice.
It's weird, this room looks so much bigger on the Internet.
Yeah.
The Internet can distort room size.
Hey, Sam's remote.
Wow, you really do watch iCarly.
Yeah, this controls all the sound effects, right? That's it.
Do it, you know you want to.
Sweet.
Hey, what was the name of that song? -Was it Brake Lights by Cuddlefish? -Impressive.
-I didn't think anybody knew that song.
-I do.
That was one of the first songs Sorry.
What were you saying? Just that that was one of the first songs I taught myself to play.
-You play guitar? -And sing a little.
Really? 'Cause Sam and I've been talking about maybe having live music on the show.
Would you wanna do a song? Definitely.
Wait, let's check and make sure your audience is into it.
Well, looks like I'm singing on iCarly.
-It fell.
-I like it better on the floor.
Hello? Carly? Is that you? No, Carly's upstairs getting Ready for the show.
What are you doing? Making a plaster cast of my head to put on top of my body sculpture.
Of course you are.
What are the tubes for? Well, since I'm gonna be in here for 12 hours while the plaster dries, this tube is for breathing, and this tube is for food and drink.
Nice.
Well, I'm gonna leave now.
Wait! Before you go, would you mind pouring some coffee down my drink hole? Sure, what are friends for? Okay.
That was my breathing tube.
So, you're tall, you're an athlete, every girl in school thinks you're hot, and now you're a musician, too.
-I guess.
-Can you fly? Actually, my uncle's a pilot and he's been giving me flying lessons.
Forget it! I'll be with my tripod.
Do you know how many kids came up to me at school today freaking out that Jake's gonna play on the show? I know, it's gonna be huge.
What? Would you have ever believed that Jake Krandle could be in love with you? He's not in love with me.
Yet.
Cinnamon buns.
Cinnamon buns.
-Cinnamon buns.
Cinnamon buns.
-Why do that? I'm checking the microphone and the acoustic resonance in the Whoops! Don't care.
-So what time does the show start? -In about a half hour.
But, listen, since we've never done live music on the show before, Freddie wants to do a sound check.
-So, you mind running through a verse? -Let's go for it.
All right, this is a song I wrote myself, especially for iCarly.
Hope you guys like it.
You're so beautiful I need the world to see You're my miracle Just take the time that you need to breathe How was that? Awesome.
I can't wait till we go live.
So, Freddie, did you get a good sound level or do you want me to sing another verse? -No, no.
We're good.
- Please don't.
Yeah, we go live in about 20 minutes.
So maybe you should go downstairs and get changed.
Right.
I gotta go put on my singing shirt.
-Yeah.
Put that on.
-Yeah, your singing shirt.
-Definitely, you should do -You go do that.
Later.
You're so beautiful Well, I think we know the results of the sound check.
Did it sound horrible? -Check.
-Check.
You guys, this isn't funny.
-Did you not hear him? -'Cause it was pretty funny.
Stop it.
What are we gonna do? We're gonna tell him he can't sing on the show 'cause he sounds like a pile of poo.
I can't just I can't just tell him he's too poo-ish to sing on our show.
-Carly -I like him.
And I think he kind of likes me.
And if I tell him he's a terrible singer, it's gonna ruin everything.
But if you do let him sing, everybody's gonna hear it and then viciously rip on him for the rest of his life.
Man, what am I gonna do? The elevator! Right.
We'll push him down the elevator shaft.
I'll do it.
We're not gonna push the hottest guy in Seattle down an elevator shaft.
You said the elevator I meant when he gets in the elevator to come up here, we kill the power so he can't get out.
Then he'll be stuck in there while we do the show.
-Ah! Okay.
- He'll think it's an accident.
I won't have to tell him he's a lame singer, and nobody's feelings get hurt.
Can't we lock him in the elevator and hurt his feelings? -Yo, Jake.
-Show starts in 15 minutes.
-Yeah, you better get on up there.
-Awesome.
Let's do it.
Whoa, whoa! Where you going there, partner? -Just going up to do the show.
-Well, don't take the stairs.
You don't wanna get all sweaty in your fancy singing shirt.
-No.
-No.
Right.
I'll take the elevator.
-Yes.
-There you go.
- Do that.
Enjoy elevating.
-You guys aren't coming? We'll be up in a few minutes.
-After we -Blow our noses.
Yeah.
Can't do a web show with a nose full of goo.
-Where's the breaker panel? -Behind the robot painting.
-Which one's for the elevator? -The red one.
-There.
-Hey, what happened? -I think the elevator got stuck again! -Yeah, it's not moving Well, don't worry! We'll get you out of there! Eventually! I got it.
Hello? -Hey.
-Hi.
-Is Jake trapped? -Like a monkey in a box.
Why would a monkey be in a box? What am I? A monkey expert? -But you just said -How much time till the show starts? -Nine minutes, 20 seconds.
-Cool.
Okay, when it gets to the part where Jake was supposed to sing we'll just improvise and talk about something funny.
-Like Freddie's haircut.
-I heard that.
You were supposed to.
Okay, when the show starts, put the camera on me.
And then Sam will come out when I Hey! I got the door up! Hang on.
I'm out.
-Awesome.
-Yay.
We thought you'd be stuck in there for a while.
Me, too.
But I found this little emergency trap door at the top of the elevator, climbed up, squeezed myself through it, and here I am.
-There you are.
-Yay.
-So now you can be on the show.
-Yeah, good thing.
I don't wanna disappoint my grandmother.
-Your grandmother? -Yeah.
She's never heard me sing before, so when I told her I was gonna be on your show, she went out, bought her very first computer.
Yeah.
She'd been saving up for a new foot, but watching me sing was more important to her.
-Your grandmother only has one foot? -Uh-huh.
What happened to the other one? She had this cat, forgot to feed him.
I don't really like to talk about it.
We go live in six minutes.
I better get set.
Okay, we're gonna go check the lighting in the hallway.
Who cares about the lighting in the We can't let Jake sing on the show.
You want him to disappoint Grammy One Foot? You want him to be humiliated in front of the whole world? -The boy can't sing.
-So? Half the pop stars on the charts can't sing.
They fix their voices with computers or something.
Yeah.
Too bad we don't know a computer geek that'll do anything you ask.
-No.
-Can you fix his voice or not? Yes.
But I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna help turn "Mr Awesome" into "Mr Totally Awesome.
" -Please? -No.
-Please? -No.
-Please? -If I do, will you kiss me? -No! -Then no.
-Come on! -I'm gonna puke all over both of you.
-Freddie.
-Just one little kiss on the lips.
-No.
-Cheek? -No.
-Nose? -No.
-Okay, fine I'll do it.
-Thank you.
-Let's go.
-And now -On iCarly We're gonna do something a little special.
Carly and I are gonna start punching each other in the face.
-The one with the last tooth wins.
-We're just kidding.
What we are gonna do is our first ever live music performance on iCarly.
-Yeah, we are.
-So sit back.
-Keep your hands off that mouse.
-Or track pad.
And get excited for our special guest, Jake Krandle.
How you guys doing? This is a song called Whatever My Love, and I'd like to dedicate this to my grandmother.
Keep on hopping, Grandma.
-Get ready.
He's about to sing.
-I got him.
You're so beautiful I need the world to see You're my miracle Just take the time that you need Is it working? To breathe And never mind the things I've done You make me feel like I'm the rising sun Pretty.
You bathe me in your light I'm kind of thirsty.
And show me it's all right Where is my punch? What flavour punch did I buy? And you'll always be Give me that nose.
You'll always be the one Yes! Yes! That's my grandson! That's my Jakey! Yes! Yes! I hate mornings.
Why can't school start at, like, 2:00 in the afternoon? And end at 2:04? Yes.
Someone who understands.
Uh-oh.
That's Jake's ex-girlfriend.
Why is he kissing his ex-girlfriend? You don't kiss your ex-girlfriend.
-That's the whole point of the "ex!" -Sorry, kiddo.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
-You want backup? -I'm good.
Hey.
-Hey, Carly.
-Hey, Jake.
You sang so awesome.
-Call me.
-Or me.
-Nice.
-I know.
I've been getting that all morning.
Yeah, you've been having all kinds of fun this morning.
What do you mean? Well, when I walked in, I kind of noticed you and Stephanie Oh.
-You saw that? -Yeah.
Listen, I really thought we'd broken up for good.
But she saw me sing on your web show, and then she called to tell me how great she thought I was and looks like we're kind of back together now.
Oh.
Awesome.
Yeah, but I guess things happen for a reason, right? I'm back with Steph, and now I don't feel weird about getting between you and Freddie.
Me and Freddie? Freddie and I aren't dating! Come on.
I saw you kiss his nose.
Well, yeah, but we're not dating.
-Let's all get to class.
-I'll see you around.
But it was just a nose kiss! Come on! It was strictly nasal! Hi, Carly.
Hi, Sam.
I love iCarly.
Okay, okay, check out what I can do with my eyes.