I'm Alan Partridge (1997) s01e04 Episode Script
Basic Alan
That was one of the biggest stadium bands in the world - R-E-O Speedwagon.
The time, for those who like to tell it in a wacky way, is 50 to six.
Or if you like to develop the idea, 70 past four.
Or even Bear with me.
1,23O to twelve.
I'm joking, of course.
The time is ten past five.
Let's say hello to my new comedy character - Camp David.
Hello, Camp David.
(CAMP VOlCE) Well, hello, Alan, And what did you have for breakfast this morning? Ooh, mince! Hmm.
Oh, yes, indeed.
More from Camp David tomorrow.
The time is let's not get bogged down in the time again.
Simply time to say, ruddy hell, it's Soft Cell.
(MusIc.
.
"TAINTED LOVE") Yeah.
Well, they're scumbags, aren't they? # Out on a winding windy moor # We roll and fall in green # You had a temper # like my jealousy, too hot, too greedy # How could you leave me # When I needed you? # Possessed you, I hated you # I loved you too # # Bad dreams in the night # You told me I was going # Oh, dear, oh, dear.
That is extraordinary.
To look at you, you'd think you'd sing like an angel, but, in fact, you sound like a trapped boy.
What a lovely smile.
You could have been throwing up all night for all I know, and it wouldn't show.
Is that how you keep your figure? Tell me anything with that smile and it would seem like Christmas.
We are having major repairs done to the lobby, so all this is out of bounds for the weekend.
We decided to go ahead, seeing as you were the only guest in the hotel.
# Ding dong merrily on high, in heaven the bells are ringing - # Ding dong merrily on # - Don't sing, Susan! It sounds bad.
Just stick to your smile.
It's a lovely smile.
You could work on the Titanic.
You could say, "I'm terribly sorry.
We've run out of life jackets".
And people wouldn't mind.
They'd say, "Thank you for the information.
" "I'll take my chances.
" "Can I get a coffee? Presumably the buffet is a free-for-all?" "Is it women and children first?" Alan, why don't you go and talk to somebody else? You see, I don't mind that because of the smile.
You'd make a vey good Judas.
Betray me and then kiss me.
All right, then.
I mean, I just don't want to kiss, I want to go the whole way.
If you want me, I'll be round the back.
- No, look, look.
- Four words.
Big bird.
- Hawk.
Hawkeye.
- Albatross, bat.
"The Eagle Has Landed.
" - Aye, it is.
- Michael, can I have a drink? Sure.
What would you like, Mr Partridge? - A mineral water, please.
- Still or fizzy? Half and half.
Less bubbles per cc.
- Hey, I've got another.
- Four words.
First word.
The.
- Second word.
- Second word is sleep.
.
awake.
"The Day of the Jackal.
" "Day of the Jackal.
" Aye, it is.
Three words.
Wash? My? Car.
I'm sorry.
I forgot.
I'm on my way now.
I'm going to wash his car.
Everything all right, Mr Partridge? Yeah, yeah.
Um What's round the back? A couple of traffic cones and an old mattress.
Shall I book you for Christmas dinner? It's May.
Sophie, if I'm still here in seven months, I'll be a rather sorry individual.
Why don't I book it now and you can always cancel later.
Yeah.
That's a point.
- Come round the back.
- Round the back? Yeah.
It's quiet.
- Come on.
15 minutes.
- All right.
- Er, Ben? - Yeah? - Could I have a sandwich, please? - Yes.
- Cheese sandwich.
- Right.
And cooked meat.
And a hot egg.
And a crescent of crisps, please.
- And a side clump of cress.
- Right.
And you want that now? No, any time.
Any time in the next 15 minutes.
# Oh, it gets dark, it gets lonely # (PAN PIPES PLAY) Welcome to tape two of "Let Go With Alan Partridge", A sequence of easy exercises to relieve stress, enhanced by the tropical music, of the pan pipes First, fine a quire place to recline - a bed or a big chair.
I want you to imagine you're lying on the beach, divested of all the trappings of the 20th century No mobile phone.
Batteries out of your pager.
No clothes, Completely naked, or with undergarments perhaps made from bark, You're all alone.
the waves gently licking at your feet, your bark trunks soaking up the water like a sponge, Your head loosens from your torso and bobs into the distance, Remember the breathing techniques from Tape One.
Please relax, I can't emphasis that enough All of us experience stress whether you're a heart surgeon making a vital incision, or Dave Bloggs queueing for a ticket behind a man buying a travel pass.
which involves photograph, scissors, forms being filled in, and his Access won't wipe.
You get the picture.
But stress like this just won't go away and it has to be combated.
Sod off! Idea for a programme entitled "Yachting Mishaps" - some funny, some tragic.
Presented by that man who was trapped upside down in his hull eating chocolate.
Idea for a programme called "Free Spirits".
No, actually.
Change that to "Bad Attitude".
Hello.
Oh, hello.
I'd like to speak to Fernando Partridge, please.
It's his father.
Hello.
Who's she? Is she your latest er? Oh, right.
You both sound exhausted.
Have you been running? Um, I was just wondering if you wanted to go for a drink.
Fernando, you're 22 years old and you're spending Saturday in bed with a girl.
You're wasting your life.
It's a beautiful day.
Take her out to a local fort or Victorian folly.
Yes, of course, but your mum and l, believe me we did it everywhere.
You know, in the lounge, in the hall Behind a large boulder on Helvellyn for my birthday.
Actually, that is where you were conceived.
We just didn't take precautions.
No, no.
We were delighted.
l mean, at first I was mortified.
.
but then you were born and we grew to like you.
I remember I left a tartan flask up there.
One of those vey fragile ones with a screw-on cup/cap.
These days, they're much more resilient.
They took the technology from NASA basically, which is extraordinary.
Modern flasks today are directly linked with the Apollo 11 space mission.
Hello? Sod 'em! Hello.
Is that Curry's? I'd like to make an enquiry about two supplementary auxiliary speakers to go with my midi hi-fi system apropos achieving surround sound.
Apropos.
It's latin.
You ought to have a basic grasp of latin if you're working in Curry's.
Oh, you've got them.
Excellent.
Um, one last thing.
What time do you knock off? Fancy going for a drink? Right.
OK.
I just thought I'd ask.
Hello? Justjust going for a walk! To the petrol station.
Get some windscreen washer fluid.
Anyone Anyone want to join me? Right.
Breath of fresh air?! # Goldfinger # He's the man # The man with the Midas touch # The spider's touch # Such a cold finger # Hands up! Give me all your petrol! - Pardon? - No, just a joke.
Have you got windscreen washer fluid? - Yeah.
- I'll have 12 bottles, please.
OK.
Nice array of pasties you've got today.
Thank you.
I don't want one.
I was just making small talk.
- That's £31.
20, please.
- Fancy a pint later on? - No, thanks.
- No.
Neither do l.
Thank you.
# Such a cold finger # Pretty girl, beware of his web of sin # But don't go in # And a golden girl # Knows when he's kissed her # It's the kiss of death # From Mr Goldfinger # Da da dah! # Ah, hello, Susan.
There's a slight problem.
I was a bit bored so I dismantled my Corby Trouser Press.
I, er I can't put it back together again.
Will that show up on my bill? Right.
Thanks.
Hello, Lynn.
Message from Alan.
Idea for a television programme based on Michael Palin's "Pole to Pole".
Except I circumnavigate the globe only driving through countries where they drive on the left, and I do it in a lovely old bull-nosed Morris.
We could call it "Around the World with Alan Partridge "in a Bull-Nose on the left".
I'm sorry, Lynn.
I think that is possibly the worst idea I have ever had.
I'm going nowhere, Lynn.
Quite literally.
I'm on the ring road.
The third time round.
I've just been into B&Q for a bag of tungsten-tipped screws.
I'm never going to use them.
I'm never going to use them.
Meet me in the car park in half an hour, Lynn.
(Lynn) Sorry I'm a bit late.
I got caught in a taxi that broke down over there.
I had to walk.
Was that a lie? No I'm vey hot.
Ah.
You know these are inertia reel seat belts? They were developed in the late '60s, early '70s, basically to enable you to lean forward for things, but in a crash it does stop you because impact, bang, lock! - Aargh! You get bruises, but - Right.
I'd love to feel an airbag go off in my face.
It would be beergh! Boosh! Boosh! And that cushion effect on the face.
I'll be honest, Lynn, I'm at a loose end today.
That's why I'm er That's why I'm er talking Talking That's why I'm talking.
Could you cool me down with a hand fan, please, Lynn? Have you heard about Damon Hill Ow! Lynn! Be careful with it.
- I didn't realise.
- You took my lip off! - Lynn! - Come and sit down for gin rummy.
Make the numbers up, come on.
I'll er Lynn, I'll just go up to my room.
Got a bit of work to do.
I normally have files in here, but I've got some in the room.
To put in later.
lt's got the straps option.
- Show Lynn.
- Oh, yeah.
(IMPERSONATING ALAN) Morning, Susan.
Ah-a! - It is him! - It is! Watch it! (KNOCKING) Come in.
Would you like a mint? No.
Yes.
I don't think you should have one, considering what's happened.
It's a good job you weren't here five minutes ago.
listen to this.
Listen, listen.
Sack Lynn for being unloyal, disloyal, and for joining in fun in a way that excludes her employer.
And sack her for being an absolute idiot and inefficient.
Lynn, call Bill Oddie and.
.
That's something else.
It fell through.
I've calmed down now.
Why don't you come and play? Play? They were doing impersonations of me.
They were doing everyone, Alan.
Even me.
It was quite savage.
Were they savage? Were they going, "Ooh, shall I sit there or there? Ooh, am I like a little mouse?" No, actually.
It was like this.
"Shall I let you walk all over me? "Sorry, Mother, can't get you out of the bath, "I've got to sort out Alan's problems!" That's vey good.
Thank you.
Tell them I'll join in, and to show that I'm not a stick-in-the-mud I'm just preparing a joke for them, which should be fun.
- Urrrgh! - Aagh! I'm a zombie! I'm dressed as a zombie! It's Alan Partridge.
Could you come out? Guests are not allowed behind reception.
All right.
I know.
It was a joke, right? It's backfired.
- Is that blood? - It's tomato ketchup.
l Why have you got a shower curtain on? I'm a zombie.
I don't know.
It's supposed to be a flap of skin or something.
Did you pull that off one of the showers? l checked to make sure I could re-attach them.
Nothing's damaged.
Why have you got biscuits sellotaped to your face? They're complementary.
It's supposed to be flaky skin.
I'm a zombie.
What's that hanging between your legs? lt's a flex off a mini kettle.
It's supposed to be a tail.
Zombies don't have tails.
All right, it's inconsistent! Zombies by their very nature are inconsistent.
They're a mish-mash of bits.
- That's Frankenstein.
- You've made two glaring errors.
- What's that on your fingers? - They're tungsten-tipped screws.
Claws.
Right.
Error one They're good for making a point.
Error one, right.
.
Frankenstein is the name of the creator, not the monster.
Error two.
.
Frankenstein is a zombie, right.
He's a type of zombie.
like saying Tannoy when you mean public address system.
Tannoy is a brand name.
Why are you all staring? I'm not having a go.
I'm having a pop at the undead.
- Do you see any upset zombies? - Just the one.
This county! - It's so depressing, isn't it? - Aye.
Have you ever thought that suicide might be the answer? - Well, sometimes, aye.
- Really? When? - When I've seen you depressed - Not me! You.
Have you ever considered suicide? Oh, no.
That's the coward's way out, man.
You must have got up to a few pranks.
Aye.
This one time, right, l was stationed out in Belize and I had this little macaque monkey as a pet, right.
One day, I came back to my tent and it had eaten all my fags.
So I picked it up and I threw it in the sea.
You threw a monkey in the sea? Well, he'd eaten all my fags.
It was a packet of 200 duty-frees.
You threw a monkey in the sea.
That's awful.
I was fishing for some sort of funny story.
That's just upsetting.
I wasn't thinking straight, right.
I got a red mist and I grabbed the monkey and hurled it in the sea.
Stop saying you threw your monkey in the sea.
All I can see is a monkey spinning towards the water.
Well, it bounced off a rock Oh, Michael! That's such a pointless death.
At least when they experiment on them, they get something out of it.
Nice perfume or something.
I've often wondered, right, why is it that they put the perfume in the monkey's eyes? Why not just put it on its wrists like ladies in stores? It's just cruel, isn't it? Mind you, in the safari park when they're pulling your wipers and hub-caps off, you lose sympathy.
Maybe the monkeys are tying to collect enough parts together to make a complete car.
Then they'll all pile in it and escape! - It's a frightening thought.
- Aye.
- Is this making you feel better? - Not really, no.
You've done some crazy things in your life.
Aye.
I wish I'd been a bit more spontaneous.
Sometimes I feel like going out, stealing a traffic cone, putting it on my head, and saying, "I'm a giant witch!" Just do it.
Go and steal a cone, man.
- I can't.
- I'll come with you.
We can be like "Thelma and Louise".
We'll steal a traffic cone and go off somewhere.
I don't want to go off anywhere.
I want to steal a cone and wave it around a bit.
Aye.
I can hold it up to my mouth like a Tannoy - No.
Speaker system.
- sorry.
I could hold it there and shout "Stop telling me what to do!" Yeah, yeah.
No, it's a good idea.
I could get Lynn to drive us there.
She's insured.
She's a named driver.
Let's go! - Howay the lads! Come on! - Right.
We're questioning one bloke.
The other bloke seems to have disappeared.
There's a woman in the car.
Out.
So let's get this straight.
- Your wife was driving.
- Yes.
- You felt a bit sick.
- Mmm.
So you asked her to pull over, so you can get a traffic cone to be sick into? Yes.
Why? I didn't want to be sick on the road.
The cars might skid on it.
Where's the other fellow gone? He ran off.
He got scared and ran away.
He was in the army and I think he saw people being blown up Do you want to know what I think? I think you've got a vivid imagination.
- I wasn't stealing a traffic cone.
- I'm not saying you were.
- Why are you saying "steal"? - Because To an innocent bystander, it could look like traffic cone theft.
And I'm an innocent bystander, and to me it looks like traffic cone theft.
- But it's not.
- It's not.
What's your name? Bill.
Bill? Carr.
Bill Carr.
Bill Carr.
Where do you live, Bill? What's your address? King Road.
King Road.
Is there a number? Ten King Road in Ipswich.
Where are you going now? I'm going to go home and just probably go straight to bed and keep out of trouble.
Good.
Good.
We'll let this go, but I don't want to see you here again.
All right? OK.
Thank you.
Right.
Go.
Just drive away.
Drive away normally.
Stop panicking.
Start the engine.
(AlARM BEEPs) Switch the alarm off! Lean back.
Stay still.
I was technically in charge of a motor vehicle then.
I could have been done for drink driving.
Would you like me to lap dance for you? My peephole Pringle is modelled on an SAS balaclava.
Sweet feet.
Ooh! Do you like my cones? They're little ones.
I got them from a cycling test centre.
I've got a clean licence.
Yours is dirty.
You've got six points.
I've got two points.
Oh, dear.
Tonight, I was that close, that close, to being infamous.
I don't want to be infamous, I want to be famous.
Famous.
It's like the Rudyard Kipling poem, "If".
You know that? If you do K, Y and Z, Bob's your uncle.
Do you want a lift to the cab rank? Yes, thank you.
I would.
- But it's only a 15-minute walk.
- Yes.
Mmm.
Be careful.
No lights on the dual carriageway.
- Oh, there you are.
- How are you, Mr Partridge? - That was a close shave.
- Aye, it was.
- You disappeared pretty sharpish.
- Aye.
A scalded cat runs away.
- Can I have eggs for breakfast? - Aye, certainly.
I'd like you to lay them.
Chicken! - Hello, Alan.
- Hello, Susan.
Third floor? Yes, thank you.
(LIFT BELL DINGS) (LIFT BELL DINGS) Right, well Are you getting out here, or are you going all the way with me? I'm getting out here.
All right.
Goodnight, Alan.
This county.
That was The Police with "Do Do Do, Da Da Da" - their gibberish classic - and my tribute to Her Majesty's Police.
It's seven o'clock.
This is Dave Clifton.
Yes, indeed.
My name's Dave Clifton, and there goes Alan Partridge - cone but not forgotten.
Are you off to see a film like "Cone-an the Barbarian"? Good one.
Then watch TV, like "Cone Dancing".
Yeah.
Not so good, but fine.
- Oh, Alan.
Cone you take a joke? - Oh, fuck off! Actually, I am speechless.
I don't believe you just said that.
You don't sound it.
I wish you were.
I really don't know what to say.
I find it difficult Try saying nothing.
You and I both know that dead air is a crime.
It's terrible you have to fill it with swearing on your show.
Unfortunately, Dave, you are bang wrong.
It's gone seven.
It's your show.
You're responsible.
I am technically a guest and you failed to control me.
Read the small print on your cone-tract.
- From Go West - Fannies! This is "Call Me".
The time, for those who like to tell it in a wacky way, is 50 to six.
Or if you like to develop the idea, 70 past four.
Or even Bear with me.
1,23O to twelve.
I'm joking, of course.
The time is ten past five.
Let's say hello to my new comedy character - Camp David.
Hello, Camp David.
(CAMP VOlCE) Well, hello, Alan, And what did you have for breakfast this morning? Ooh, mince! Hmm.
Oh, yes, indeed.
More from Camp David tomorrow.
The time is let's not get bogged down in the time again.
Simply time to say, ruddy hell, it's Soft Cell.
(MusIc.
.
"TAINTED LOVE") Yeah.
Well, they're scumbags, aren't they? # Out on a winding windy moor # We roll and fall in green # You had a temper # like my jealousy, too hot, too greedy # How could you leave me # When I needed you? # Possessed you, I hated you # I loved you too # # Bad dreams in the night # You told me I was going # Oh, dear, oh, dear.
That is extraordinary.
To look at you, you'd think you'd sing like an angel, but, in fact, you sound like a trapped boy.
What a lovely smile.
You could have been throwing up all night for all I know, and it wouldn't show.
Is that how you keep your figure? Tell me anything with that smile and it would seem like Christmas.
We are having major repairs done to the lobby, so all this is out of bounds for the weekend.
We decided to go ahead, seeing as you were the only guest in the hotel.
# Ding dong merrily on high, in heaven the bells are ringing - # Ding dong merrily on # - Don't sing, Susan! It sounds bad.
Just stick to your smile.
It's a lovely smile.
You could work on the Titanic.
You could say, "I'm terribly sorry.
We've run out of life jackets".
And people wouldn't mind.
They'd say, "Thank you for the information.
" "I'll take my chances.
" "Can I get a coffee? Presumably the buffet is a free-for-all?" "Is it women and children first?" Alan, why don't you go and talk to somebody else? You see, I don't mind that because of the smile.
You'd make a vey good Judas.
Betray me and then kiss me.
All right, then.
I mean, I just don't want to kiss, I want to go the whole way.
If you want me, I'll be round the back.
- No, look, look.
- Four words.
Big bird.
- Hawk.
Hawkeye.
- Albatross, bat.
"The Eagle Has Landed.
" - Aye, it is.
- Michael, can I have a drink? Sure.
What would you like, Mr Partridge? - A mineral water, please.
- Still or fizzy? Half and half.
Less bubbles per cc.
- Hey, I've got another.
- Four words.
First word.
The.
- Second word.
- Second word is sleep.
.
awake.
"The Day of the Jackal.
" "Day of the Jackal.
" Aye, it is.
Three words.
Wash? My? Car.
I'm sorry.
I forgot.
I'm on my way now.
I'm going to wash his car.
Everything all right, Mr Partridge? Yeah, yeah.
Um What's round the back? A couple of traffic cones and an old mattress.
Shall I book you for Christmas dinner? It's May.
Sophie, if I'm still here in seven months, I'll be a rather sorry individual.
Why don't I book it now and you can always cancel later.
Yeah.
That's a point.
- Come round the back.
- Round the back? Yeah.
It's quiet.
- Come on.
15 minutes.
- All right.
- Er, Ben? - Yeah? - Could I have a sandwich, please? - Yes.
- Cheese sandwich.
- Right.
And cooked meat.
And a hot egg.
And a crescent of crisps, please.
- And a side clump of cress.
- Right.
And you want that now? No, any time.
Any time in the next 15 minutes.
# Oh, it gets dark, it gets lonely # (PAN PIPES PLAY) Welcome to tape two of "Let Go With Alan Partridge", A sequence of easy exercises to relieve stress, enhanced by the tropical music, of the pan pipes First, fine a quire place to recline - a bed or a big chair.
I want you to imagine you're lying on the beach, divested of all the trappings of the 20th century No mobile phone.
Batteries out of your pager.
No clothes, Completely naked, or with undergarments perhaps made from bark, You're all alone.
the waves gently licking at your feet, your bark trunks soaking up the water like a sponge, Your head loosens from your torso and bobs into the distance, Remember the breathing techniques from Tape One.
Please relax, I can't emphasis that enough All of us experience stress whether you're a heart surgeon making a vital incision, or Dave Bloggs queueing for a ticket behind a man buying a travel pass.
which involves photograph, scissors, forms being filled in, and his Access won't wipe.
You get the picture.
But stress like this just won't go away and it has to be combated.
Sod off! Idea for a programme entitled "Yachting Mishaps" - some funny, some tragic.
Presented by that man who was trapped upside down in his hull eating chocolate.
Idea for a programme called "Free Spirits".
No, actually.
Change that to "Bad Attitude".
Hello.
Oh, hello.
I'd like to speak to Fernando Partridge, please.
It's his father.
Hello.
Who's she? Is she your latest er? Oh, right.
You both sound exhausted.
Have you been running? Um, I was just wondering if you wanted to go for a drink.
Fernando, you're 22 years old and you're spending Saturday in bed with a girl.
You're wasting your life.
It's a beautiful day.
Take her out to a local fort or Victorian folly.
Yes, of course, but your mum and l, believe me we did it everywhere.
You know, in the lounge, in the hall Behind a large boulder on Helvellyn for my birthday.
Actually, that is where you were conceived.
We just didn't take precautions.
No, no.
We were delighted.
l mean, at first I was mortified.
.
but then you were born and we grew to like you.
I remember I left a tartan flask up there.
One of those vey fragile ones with a screw-on cup/cap.
These days, they're much more resilient.
They took the technology from NASA basically, which is extraordinary.
Modern flasks today are directly linked with the Apollo 11 space mission.
Hello? Sod 'em! Hello.
Is that Curry's? I'd like to make an enquiry about two supplementary auxiliary speakers to go with my midi hi-fi system apropos achieving surround sound.
Apropos.
It's latin.
You ought to have a basic grasp of latin if you're working in Curry's.
Oh, you've got them.
Excellent.
Um, one last thing.
What time do you knock off? Fancy going for a drink? Right.
OK.
I just thought I'd ask.
Hello? Justjust going for a walk! To the petrol station.
Get some windscreen washer fluid.
Anyone Anyone want to join me? Right.
Breath of fresh air?! # Goldfinger # He's the man # The man with the Midas touch # The spider's touch # Such a cold finger # Hands up! Give me all your petrol! - Pardon? - No, just a joke.
Have you got windscreen washer fluid? - Yeah.
- I'll have 12 bottles, please.
OK.
Nice array of pasties you've got today.
Thank you.
I don't want one.
I was just making small talk.
- That's £31.
20, please.
- Fancy a pint later on? - No, thanks.
- No.
Neither do l.
Thank you.
# Such a cold finger # Pretty girl, beware of his web of sin # But don't go in # And a golden girl # Knows when he's kissed her # It's the kiss of death # From Mr Goldfinger # Da da dah! # Ah, hello, Susan.
There's a slight problem.
I was a bit bored so I dismantled my Corby Trouser Press.
I, er I can't put it back together again.
Will that show up on my bill? Right.
Thanks.
Hello, Lynn.
Message from Alan.
Idea for a television programme based on Michael Palin's "Pole to Pole".
Except I circumnavigate the globe only driving through countries where they drive on the left, and I do it in a lovely old bull-nosed Morris.
We could call it "Around the World with Alan Partridge "in a Bull-Nose on the left".
I'm sorry, Lynn.
I think that is possibly the worst idea I have ever had.
I'm going nowhere, Lynn.
Quite literally.
I'm on the ring road.
The third time round.
I've just been into B&Q for a bag of tungsten-tipped screws.
I'm never going to use them.
I'm never going to use them.
Meet me in the car park in half an hour, Lynn.
(Lynn) Sorry I'm a bit late.
I got caught in a taxi that broke down over there.
I had to walk.
Was that a lie? No I'm vey hot.
Ah.
You know these are inertia reel seat belts? They were developed in the late '60s, early '70s, basically to enable you to lean forward for things, but in a crash it does stop you because impact, bang, lock! - Aargh! You get bruises, but - Right.
I'd love to feel an airbag go off in my face.
It would be beergh! Boosh! Boosh! And that cushion effect on the face.
I'll be honest, Lynn, I'm at a loose end today.
That's why I'm er That's why I'm er talking Talking That's why I'm talking.
Could you cool me down with a hand fan, please, Lynn? Have you heard about Damon Hill Ow! Lynn! Be careful with it.
- I didn't realise.
- You took my lip off! - Lynn! - Come and sit down for gin rummy.
Make the numbers up, come on.
I'll er Lynn, I'll just go up to my room.
Got a bit of work to do.
I normally have files in here, but I've got some in the room.
To put in later.
lt's got the straps option.
- Show Lynn.
- Oh, yeah.
(IMPERSONATING ALAN) Morning, Susan.
Ah-a! - It is him! - It is! Watch it! (KNOCKING) Come in.
Would you like a mint? No.
Yes.
I don't think you should have one, considering what's happened.
It's a good job you weren't here five minutes ago.
listen to this.
Listen, listen.
Sack Lynn for being unloyal, disloyal, and for joining in fun in a way that excludes her employer.
And sack her for being an absolute idiot and inefficient.
Lynn, call Bill Oddie and.
.
That's something else.
It fell through.
I've calmed down now.
Why don't you come and play? Play? They were doing impersonations of me.
They were doing everyone, Alan.
Even me.
It was quite savage.
Were they savage? Were they going, "Ooh, shall I sit there or there? Ooh, am I like a little mouse?" No, actually.
It was like this.
"Shall I let you walk all over me? "Sorry, Mother, can't get you out of the bath, "I've got to sort out Alan's problems!" That's vey good.
Thank you.
Tell them I'll join in, and to show that I'm not a stick-in-the-mud I'm just preparing a joke for them, which should be fun.
- Urrrgh! - Aagh! I'm a zombie! I'm dressed as a zombie! It's Alan Partridge.
Could you come out? Guests are not allowed behind reception.
All right.
I know.
It was a joke, right? It's backfired.
- Is that blood? - It's tomato ketchup.
l Why have you got a shower curtain on? I'm a zombie.
I don't know.
It's supposed to be a flap of skin or something.
Did you pull that off one of the showers? l checked to make sure I could re-attach them.
Nothing's damaged.
Why have you got biscuits sellotaped to your face? They're complementary.
It's supposed to be flaky skin.
I'm a zombie.
What's that hanging between your legs? lt's a flex off a mini kettle.
It's supposed to be a tail.
Zombies don't have tails.
All right, it's inconsistent! Zombies by their very nature are inconsistent.
They're a mish-mash of bits.
- That's Frankenstein.
- You've made two glaring errors.
- What's that on your fingers? - They're tungsten-tipped screws.
Claws.
Right.
Error one They're good for making a point.
Error one, right.
.
Frankenstein is the name of the creator, not the monster.
Error two.
.
Frankenstein is a zombie, right.
He's a type of zombie.
like saying Tannoy when you mean public address system.
Tannoy is a brand name.
Why are you all staring? I'm not having a go.
I'm having a pop at the undead.
- Do you see any upset zombies? - Just the one.
This county! - It's so depressing, isn't it? - Aye.
Have you ever thought that suicide might be the answer? - Well, sometimes, aye.
- Really? When? - When I've seen you depressed - Not me! You.
Have you ever considered suicide? Oh, no.
That's the coward's way out, man.
You must have got up to a few pranks.
Aye.
This one time, right, l was stationed out in Belize and I had this little macaque monkey as a pet, right.
One day, I came back to my tent and it had eaten all my fags.
So I picked it up and I threw it in the sea.
You threw a monkey in the sea? Well, he'd eaten all my fags.
It was a packet of 200 duty-frees.
You threw a monkey in the sea.
That's awful.
I was fishing for some sort of funny story.
That's just upsetting.
I wasn't thinking straight, right.
I got a red mist and I grabbed the monkey and hurled it in the sea.
Stop saying you threw your monkey in the sea.
All I can see is a monkey spinning towards the water.
Well, it bounced off a rock Oh, Michael! That's such a pointless death.
At least when they experiment on them, they get something out of it.
Nice perfume or something.
I've often wondered, right, why is it that they put the perfume in the monkey's eyes? Why not just put it on its wrists like ladies in stores? It's just cruel, isn't it? Mind you, in the safari park when they're pulling your wipers and hub-caps off, you lose sympathy.
Maybe the monkeys are tying to collect enough parts together to make a complete car.
Then they'll all pile in it and escape! - It's a frightening thought.
- Aye.
- Is this making you feel better? - Not really, no.
You've done some crazy things in your life.
Aye.
I wish I'd been a bit more spontaneous.
Sometimes I feel like going out, stealing a traffic cone, putting it on my head, and saying, "I'm a giant witch!" Just do it.
Go and steal a cone, man.
- I can't.
- I'll come with you.
We can be like "Thelma and Louise".
We'll steal a traffic cone and go off somewhere.
I don't want to go off anywhere.
I want to steal a cone and wave it around a bit.
Aye.
I can hold it up to my mouth like a Tannoy - No.
Speaker system.
- sorry.
I could hold it there and shout "Stop telling me what to do!" Yeah, yeah.
No, it's a good idea.
I could get Lynn to drive us there.
She's insured.
She's a named driver.
Let's go! - Howay the lads! Come on! - Right.
We're questioning one bloke.
The other bloke seems to have disappeared.
There's a woman in the car.
Out.
So let's get this straight.
- Your wife was driving.
- Yes.
- You felt a bit sick.
- Mmm.
So you asked her to pull over, so you can get a traffic cone to be sick into? Yes.
Why? I didn't want to be sick on the road.
The cars might skid on it.
Where's the other fellow gone? He ran off.
He got scared and ran away.
He was in the army and I think he saw people being blown up Do you want to know what I think? I think you've got a vivid imagination.
- I wasn't stealing a traffic cone.
- I'm not saying you were.
- Why are you saying "steal"? - Because To an innocent bystander, it could look like traffic cone theft.
And I'm an innocent bystander, and to me it looks like traffic cone theft.
- But it's not.
- It's not.
What's your name? Bill.
Bill? Carr.
Bill Carr.
Bill Carr.
Where do you live, Bill? What's your address? King Road.
King Road.
Is there a number? Ten King Road in Ipswich.
Where are you going now? I'm going to go home and just probably go straight to bed and keep out of trouble.
Good.
Good.
We'll let this go, but I don't want to see you here again.
All right? OK.
Thank you.
Right.
Go.
Just drive away.
Drive away normally.
Stop panicking.
Start the engine.
(AlARM BEEPs) Switch the alarm off! Lean back.
Stay still.
I was technically in charge of a motor vehicle then.
I could have been done for drink driving.
Would you like me to lap dance for you? My peephole Pringle is modelled on an SAS balaclava.
Sweet feet.
Ooh! Do you like my cones? They're little ones.
I got them from a cycling test centre.
I've got a clean licence.
Yours is dirty.
You've got six points.
I've got two points.
Oh, dear.
Tonight, I was that close, that close, to being infamous.
I don't want to be infamous, I want to be famous.
Famous.
It's like the Rudyard Kipling poem, "If".
You know that? If you do K, Y and Z, Bob's your uncle.
Do you want a lift to the cab rank? Yes, thank you.
I would.
- But it's only a 15-minute walk.
- Yes.
Mmm.
Be careful.
No lights on the dual carriageway.
- Oh, there you are.
- How are you, Mr Partridge? - That was a close shave.
- Aye, it was.
- You disappeared pretty sharpish.
- Aye.
A scalded cat runs away.
- Can I have eggs for breakfast? - Aye, certainly.
I'd like you to lay them.
Chicken! - Hello, Alan.
- Hello, Susan.
Third floor? Yes, thank you.
(LIFT BELL DINGS) (LIFT BELL DINGS) Right, well Are you getting out here, or are you going all the way with me? I'm getting out here.
All right.
Goodnight, Alan.
This county.
That was The Police with "Do Do Do, Da Da Da" - their gibberish classic - and my tribute to Her Majesty's Police.
It's seven o'clock.
This is Dave Clifton.
Yes, indeed.
My name's Dave Clifton, and there goes Alan Partridge - cone but not forgotten.
Are you off to see a film like "Cone-an the Barbarian"? Good one.
Then watch TV, like "Cone Dancing".
Yeah.
Not so good, but fine.
- Oh, Alan.
Cone you take a joke? - Oh, fuck off! Actually, I am speechless.
I don't believe you just said that.
You don't sound it.
I wish you were.
I really don't know what to say.
I find it difficult Try saying nothing.
You and I both know that dead air is a crime.
It's terrible you have to fill it with swearing on your show.
Unfortunately, Dave, you are bang wrong.
It's gone seven.
It's your show.
You're responsible.
I am technically a guest and you failed to control me.
Read the small print on your cone-tract.
- From Go West - Fannies! This is "Call Me".