In Living Color (1990) s01e04 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon Take it from meIt's a'ight to be In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color Everybody hereis equally kind In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living color How would you feel knowingeverybody was your friend From thin to thickand through thick and thin And egotistical tripswas put to an end You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon Take it from meIt's a'ight to be In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Won't be here tonight.
Uh, unfortunately Keenen's a little tied up right now.
- But he did ask me to host the show for him.
- [Door Rattling.]
Let me introduce myself.
My name is Shawn Wayans, better known as D.
J.
S.
W.
One.
- [Knocking.]
- I'm the second youngest and probably most talented one.
.
.
in the Wayans family.
- Open the door.
! - Because of that, there's gonna be a couple changes.
- Paul? - [On P.
A.
.]
Yeah, Shawn? You're fired, man.
Lisa, baby, you're gonna be my new director.
- Shawn? - Deidre, I want you to be my new personal assistant.
- Yesterday you said I could sing.
- Open the door now.
! Hey, baby, not now.
Next time it's gonna be about y'all.
- Not right now.
Let me host the show.
- [Knocking.]
Uh, I'd like to get on with the show.
Please, can I have a spotlight? - [Door Rattling.]
- No, not on them.
Just on me.
Shawn, I'm gonnarip your head off! Tonight there's not gonna be any sketches.
Just gonna be a one-man show.
And I'd like to start off with my favorite impression.
This one kills me! Bill Cosby! - We'll be right back.
- Oh, come on, man! You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color Hello! Hello.
What would you do if the man that you were livin' with.
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and supportin' for five long years.
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.
got weak in the knees every time you mentioned the word "marriage"? Joining us today are two couples.
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who are havin' that same exact problem.
Say hello, if you will, to Mary Stewart.
[Audience Applauding, Cheering.]
[Oprah.]
Hold the applause till I finish, please.
Her male oppressor, Rollo Wells.
[Audience Booing.]
- Jennifer Kent.
.
.
- [Audience Applauding.]
And her poor excusefor a man, Daryl Tills.
[Booing.]
Now, Mary, you said.
.
.
that Rollo actually showed up to your wedding.
.
.
and then didn't go through with the vows at the last moment? - Oprah, I was totally humiliated! - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- I mean, look at him.
- Mm-hmm.
And he shows up only to take back his funky ring.
That's the only reason why he came.
- Let me tell you what really happened.
- Shut up! Don't interrupt the girl.
- Thank you.
Well, I could have died.
- Oh, girl.
My whole family was there.
They never even believed I was gonna get married.
- I had a new dress.
It was awful.
- Oh, girl! - I know.
- I couldn't believe it.
I had my nails done.
I know just what you mean.
You know, me and Steadman broke up.
- Did you? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- Girl, he said that he can't commit to marriage.
- I know.
He said that he's not ready to spend the rest of his life with me.
He certainly can spend my money, though.
Rollo, why did you walk out on her? - Who's asking? - Just answer the question! Well, you know,when we first got.
.
.
She told me she was a virgin when we first met.
I found out she got six kids.
- So? - So? Why is it we women always have to be so pure for you men? Hmm? All them kids are bigger than me.
She got a son look like Eric Dickerson.
Jennifer, my girlfriend.
.
.
you've been with this man for eight long years.
How much longer are you gonna hang around? Well, it's hard when you put a relationship together.
You put all of your time into it.
It's okay.
I don't mind.
In other words, homeboy is still throwing down in the bedroom.
Uh, yeah, actually.
Daryl, do you ever plan onmarrying girlfriend over here? Uh, well, okay.
Now, like, to answer your question, that's a yes and a no.
- Mm-hmm.
- See, like, I'm with her now.
.
.
but I still want to be free and easy, case something better come along.
You did not say that on my show.
- What did I say? - Caller! Caller! Caller, you say what? [Man.]
Yes, Oprah, I just wanna saythat every time I see.
.
.
- Is that you, Willie? - Yeah.
Rollo, is that you?I just hit the number, man.
! - You just hit the number? - Yeah.
! Man, congratulations.
I guess you can bring me my seven dollars now.
- [Dial Tone Humming.]
- Daryl, don't you think it's ever gonna be too late? - What about children? - Now, look here, Oprah.
To answer your question, that's a yes and a no on them children.
As you know, a man remains fertile until his late 60s.
So that gives me about another 31 years to spread my seed, right, fellas? No, but I was figuring, like, she could drop that calf when she about 45 or 50.
Ain't that right, baby? That's what I was thinking.
That's not what you were thinking.
Let me tell you what you were thinking.
You were thinking you would leave her sittin' home barefoot and pregnant.
.
.
while you go out hangin' out with your friends, hangin' out in my condo on Lakeshore Drive.
.
.
eatin' at my restaurant, spendin' all my money! That's what you thought! That's what you thought! [Shouting.]
Do you hear me? Food is my lover! Food is my friend! Where are my Oreos? Aah! Aah! Ohh! Ohh, Oreos! [Loud Bang.]
[Whistling.]
Hi, honey! - You're mighty chipper this morning.
- Why shouldn't I be? Got my old job back.
Ah, I can't wait to get back out to sea.
I'm so proud of you.
I made you a big breakfast.
- Dig in.
- Great! I just want you to know, it's wonderful the way you stuck by me through this whole thing.
I stuck by you, Sam, because I believe in you.
I know you.
Well, they made you out to look like such a klutz.
Such a moron.
The media really took advantage of you.
After all, it wasn't your faultthat your tanker hit that reef.
.
.
and leaked all that oil.
Just because you're the captaindoesn't mean you should be responsible.
.
.
for every little thingthat happens to your ship.
And when the tankerdid start leaking.
.
.
well, the company didjust whatthey were supposed to do.
.
.
they laid downa containment boom.
That's what anyrational group would do.
How were they supposed to knowthe spill was too big to be contained? They werejust doingwhat they thought was right.
- So they did the next logical thing.
- What was that? They poured absorbent material on the spill to soak it up.
- Are you okay, honey? - Yeah.
Just gettin' the coffee.
Yeah, that absorbent materialwas a great idea.
Too bad itjust madea bigger mess.
They really turned the tide when they decided to burn it off.
That was brilliant.
Sometimes that's the only thingthat'll work.
It's the cleansing power of flame.
You just have to burn offwhat you can.
.
.
and let Mother Nature take careof the rest through evaporation.
Hell's bells,in a hundred years or so.
.
.
they'll never know there was a silly little spill at all.
I think you're right, hon.
We did good.
You sure did.
I'm so proud of you, Sam.
Goodness, look at the time! There's a fresh tanker of crude in the harbor, mister, and it's got your name on it.
I love you! - Bye.
- Don't forget your lunch.
Oh, yeah.
Got it! [Announcer.]
Coming this fall, it's: Nobody's perfect.
Black innovators have often failed to get the credit due them.
.
.
for their brilliant work in the business world.
In 1975, entrepreneurCalvin Thompson.
.
.
was employedat a gas station in Detroit.
He was working one sunny afternoon whena customer drove up in a big, blue sedan.
[Horn Honking.]
Hey, buddy, can I get a little gas over here? Thompson had a moment of inspirationand said to the customer.
.
.
Get it your damn self! So today we saluteCalvin Thompson.
.
.
inventor ofthe self-service gas station.
I'm David Alan Grier, and this has been another.
.
.
Great Moment in Black History.
[Hip-hop.]
[Rapping.]
[Continues.]
The American Heritage dictionary defines a transition.
.
.
as " an instance or process of changing from one form to another.
" So this is one transition.
Aah! Aah! Aaah! And this is another.
[Grunting, Squealing.]
But this, my friends.
.
.
is my favorite transition of all.
[Impersonating Jack Nicholson.]
Wait till they get a load of me.
Jim is fabulous.
He must be eatin' green eggs and ham.
Hey, I'm Downtown Julie Brown with you, rockin' it uptown.
.
.
downtown and upside down and every place else in between.
We've got some great music coming your way.
The new tune from that hot little sneaker commercial.
.
.
something from a little beer commercial.
.
.
but right now I got a little treat for you.
Miss Whitney Houston in her world premiere video, "The Rhythmless Nation.
" Check it out.
Pump it up.
Five, four, three, two, one! - [R&B.]
- Ha! Ha.
! [Off-key.]
There's music on my side which really helps me hide Plus the fact that I can't sing It's me just doin' my thing If you look close you'll see I'm sure that you'll agree I am a part of a rhythmless nation [Brakes Hissing.]
[Brakes Screeching.]
[Clears Throat.]
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.
Please do not be alarmed.
There seems to be some sort of a system malfunction here.
My name is Anton.
I'm a victim of society.
.
.
and an entertainer.
I will keep you company until the problem has resolved.
Let me wipe that on there for you.
Some of you may already recognize me.
.
.
from some of my many television appearances.
I was on the 6:00 news last night.
Yeah, I was the dude in the choke hold.
[Guffaws.]
Is this thing on? I know what you guys like.
You want to hear some impressions? All right, here's one.
This is Elvis Presley.
.
.
if he was alive today.
Hey, get me outta here! I ain't dead yet.
Somebody dig me up! The King, ladies and gentlemen.
The King.
Now, I would love to perform for free for y'all.
.
.
but the union stipulates.
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.
that I collect compensation.
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.
for my creative endeavors.
So I appreciate it if when I pass my sneaker around.
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.
you would be so kind.
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.
as to give to the cause.
'Cause rent is due.
[Chortling.]
There you go.
Pass it down.
Oh, I know what it is.
Y'all wanna see some more of my talent.
All right.
How 'bout a song? [Loud.]
Give it up for the band, ladies and gentlemen.
Maceo and the Gang.
[Singing.]
[Singing.]
Look, look, look.
I'm gonna give you anything, man.
Just be quiet! Oh, thanks, bro! Hey, bro, soul power.
Soul power.
Oh, beaut.
.
.
Ah, y'all too kind.
Ow, that hit me in my head.
- I'm gettin' off at the next stop.
- Me too.
[Conductor On P.
A.
.]
I'm sorry, but wewill be delayed for several minutes.
Please excuse usfor the inconvenience.
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, I'm happy to announce.
.
.
that show number two has just begun.
I'd like to recite a"soquilokee," if I can.
To be or not to be.
.
.
that always confused me.
[Singing.]
[Singing.]
[Singing.]
[Women Singing.]
[Announcer.]
And now,Public Access Television presents.
.
.
Men on Art.
[Continues.]
Hello.
I'm Blayne Edwards.
And I'm Antoine Merriwether.
[Both.]
And welcome to Men on Art.
The show that looks at great art from the past and present.
From a male point of view.
- Yes, the first little piece we'd like to discuss.
.
.
- Don't forget our sponsor.
- What? - Don't forget our new sponsor.
Oh, good golly, Miss Molly.
That's right.
Tonight's broadcast is brought to you by.
.
.
I ain't gonna touch it.
- Ben did.
- Stop.
As I was saying, our first piece we're gonna discuss.
.
.
is Rembrandt's The Night Watch.
This is so nice to seemale bonding.
See how they're dressed up with the swords and acting butch, but they still together.
Mm-hmm.
Hear! Hear! Our next piece we're gonna discuss.
.
.
is Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa.
[Both.]
Hated it! You know, where are Miss Mona's eyebrows? Tell me.
Yes, I think somebody went a little tweezer crazy.
You'd better stop.
Look who's talkin'.
Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful.
And this little thingy over here, that's Botticelli's Birth of Venus.
Hated it! And now we come to Andy Warhol's portrait of Marilyn Monroe.
Oh, I wish I was still a blond.
Yeah, and Dorothy wish she could go back to Kansas.
I have just two words to describe this.
.
.
gor-geous.
I have to disagree.
Marilyn was nothing but a slut.
I mean, two Kennedys and a mafioso? That trash was workin' overtime.
Oh, you are so wrong.
Miss Marilyn was the last true diva.
I used to do her in my nightclub act, An Evening with the Stars.
- With hairy legs.
- Now, don't go there.
I'm sorry, 'Toine.
- I liked your little nightclub skits.
- Did you really like it? Cross my heart and hope to look like Whoopi Goldberg in my next life.
Stop! Well, our next piece is truly a work of art.
- Yes, it is.
- It's Michelangelo's statue of David.
[Gasps.]
Gasp and swoon! I just caught the vapors.
- Now, this is art.
- Yes, it is.
And little David is working that bow tie.
- You know, that was my idea.
- Yes.
We're gonna have to give this one two snaps up in a circle.
I mean, what power, what strength, what a man.
Mm-hmm.
I see why Goliath dropped dead.
Stop.
Well, it looks like we're just about out of time.
Join us next week when we'll be looking at Gainsborough's The Blue Boy.
- And this David again.
- You better hush.
- Bye.
- [Women Singing.]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you from all of us here on In Living Color.
We'll see y'all next week.
Peace.
You can do what you wanna do In living color