In the Motherhood (2009) s01e04 Episode Script

Okay, girls, I'm just gonna grab a few things, and then we'll Oh, Rhoda, I didn't know you were working this weekend.
I got lonely at my house.
Okay.
Well, have a good weekend.
So, Lyla, I am going to drop you off on the way to taking Annie to karate practice.
I don't want to go karate practice.
I'm not even good at it.
Lyla thinks I should quit.
Karate's lame.
You're not quitting.
You begged me to do this.
Yeah, but that's before I knew how lame it was.
So lame.
Lyla, lighten up.
Wear some pink.
You're going.
Our family doesn't quit.
You did.
You quit before the first office kickball practice.
- You just signed up and grabbed a t-shirt.
- I meant to go to kickball, but I've got things to do.
I've got kids, more kids Bring your kids.
Everyone brings their kids.
It's not fair.
If you can quit, I can quit.
- Why do I have to go to karate? Why do I have to - Because I said so! I can't believe I actually said, "because I said so!" - I swore I'd never say that to my kids.
- What are you talking about? "Because I said so" that's parenting gold.
If kids ever figure out a response to that one, - we are screwed.
- You know, I prefer, "because it is in the best interest - of your well-being.
" - You know what? Annie used to be so easy to talk to, and now she's a preteen.
She's all, "you're lame.
That's sucks.
" - I think she's getting one boob.
- You know, I used to be a bit of a rebel at that age.
Once you may remember this I wore white shoes before Easter.
What? That's crazy.
One time I wore only white shoes on Easter.
I don't want Annie to make the same mistakes I did.
When I was a kid, I quit everything piano, tennis, ballet.
When I got my yearbook, it just said, "Jane Morton señor.
" Pretty sure it just said "senior.
" Oh.
I thought it was 'cause I was good in Spanish.
- Okay.
So I didn't even get that.
- You know, I had so many activities, they actually bled into the next page.
Mine said, "Rosemary artist, healer, lover.
" Oh, wait, that was junior high.
I don't want Annie to think that she can just quit when something gets tough.
I think I'm gonna have go back to kickball (Groans) and lead by example.
Oh.
You know, I am just so blessed that my kids really love all their activities.
Bill oh, he has such a creative spark.
He has this imaginary friend right now named Bee-Bop.
- How cute is that? - That is cute.
Unless, of course, he's schizophrenic.
Well, time will tell.
- Honey, please take a bite of your food.
- No.
Never! - Honey, take one bite.
- No! Never! Ugh.
That mom needs to do something about her kid.
- I'm gonna give her the look.
- Just take one bite.
- No, no, no, no, no,, no, no, no, no, no, no - I'm so sorry, ladies.
I've tried everything.
I know it's none of my business.
I'm a total stranger, but would you mind if maybe I tried something? - Never, never, never, never, never, never, never - Yeah, sure.
- What's his name? - It's Owen.
- Owen? He's adorable.
Hey, Owen.
- Never, never, never, never - And how are you doing today? - (Makes clicking sound) Shh! Got him.
Oh, my God.
What did you just do? Oh, it's a little something I picked up - from the dog whisperer.
- Okay, Rosemary, it's really not appropriate Shh! Anybody else? Okay, honey, on Wednesday it looks like Bill has fencing at the same time as Esther's Irish dance class.
- So I guess I'll do the dance class and - Come on.
You know I like Irish dance how they move the lower half of their body, - but they don't move the upper.
- I know.
You got punk'd! - Oh, look at you.
- Leave me alone! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Guys, what happened? Bill cut my doll's hair.
You didn't do that to your sister's doll, did you, sweetie? No.
It was Bee-Bop.
Is there any chance Bee-Bop is real? Stop it.
Come on, Shep! Whoo, Shep! All right, way to go! (Clapping) Can we go? It's hot.
The sun's lame.
Guess what? No, it's not.
The sun is the source of all energy and light, and you're staying 'cause I want you to see how great it is to be part of an activity and bond with friends.
Hey, Chatterbox! You joining us or not? Ooh, nicknames! Yeah, I'm part of a team.
I'm good! All right, we got the big game against Chapman and Bensen next week more like Crapman and Bensen.
Actually, Bensen's a pretty good guy.
Hey, I'm really glad you came.
It'll be fun.
Yeah.
Wow, you're sweating a lot.
Am I? No, no, no, no.
It's good.
You're glowing.
- You have a nice, shiny coat.
- Thank you.
Adults in shorts are lame.
You know, Lyla, with that attitude, what are you gonna accomplish in life? I'm gonna write a book about how lame everything is, sell the movie rights and win a bunch of oscars.
Wow, that's a great plan.
Maybe one day I could be your assistant.
- No.
- All right, guys, let's take it in for some batting practice.
Great, thanks.
Bring it in.
Okay, Rhoda, you're up.
Let's go.
Easy out.
Easy out.
Whatever.
Okay Jane, you're up.
Let's see what those cankles can do.
Let's go, Jane! - Oh, everybody, step aside! Back it up! - (Man) Come on, Jane! - Big kicker.
Back it up.
- (Imitates truck beeping) All right.
(laughter) You are not good at this game at all.
How could you miss a ball that huge? Scientifically impossible.
I'm sorry.
I don't mean to laugh.
- I just I just love when people fall.
- Okay, guys, knock it off.
My kid's watching.
Yeah, no, she's not.
No, Annie, it's okay! This is fun! Annie, come back! Wow.
Tough practice, mom, but I learned a lot.
Thanks for showing me when it's time to quit.
Quit? No.
I may have taken a few falls out there, but it felt good to be part of a team.
Then why did you cry on the car ride home? Those were happy tears tears of joy for not quitting! Ew.
I don't want peas for dinner.
Well, you're gettin' 'em Right after I use 'em.
Mom! Kickball is so lame.
Oh hey! Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, remember me? Come here.
Come here.
Kill me.
(Normal voice) Hey.
What's up, sweater set? I was just telling my friends how you saved my son from a meltdown the other day.
It would have taken six sessions - of therapy for what you did in a day.
- I would love your help with my baby.
We've been doing the Ferber method at night, but she keeps crying, and then I start crying -(Voice breaking) And then she cries more.
- New mom? How did you know? - 'Cause you have more barf on your shirt than buttons.
- Oh, God.
New moms are gross.
You know, we could really use advice from a mother like you.
I saw her son in here the other day, and he was amazing.
He was so smart and funny and handsome.
Take it down a notch, Letourneau.
He's also 15.
I can't get my daughter to give up her pacifier.
Well, I can help you with that.
Hi, darling.
Thank you.
(Whines softly) Look at this.
Beep, beep, beep, beep! Train going into the station.
Oh, no, it's not.
Works with whiskey too anything else? - So we're just we're drinking before dark, babe? - Honey, you don't understand.
This music recital was awful.
I saw Bill throw a tambourine at another kid, and he still blamed it on Bee-Bop.
I mean, granted, - he timed his tow perfectly with the music - Yeah.
But all the other moms saw it, and they gave me the look.
What look? - No! - Yes.
- That's your look to give.
- I know! That's why we have to fix this.
I mean, what if he turns out like those boys - I went to high school with? - What boys? - (Lowers voice) The ones who weren't in A.
P.
classes.
- No, don't you say that.
- (Normal voice) I'm saying it.
- Don't say that, okay? You know what? We can handle this.
Let's go get the flash cards.
- We'll get bill.
Come here, Bill! - Bill! Hey, hey, have a seat, buddy.
Have a have a seat.
Listen, your dad and I want to talk to you about your imaginary friend Bee-Bop.
Bee-Bop's not imaginary.
Bee-Bop's real.
Okay, I think we're having a a problem with the difference between make-believe and real.
Okay, so to make things more clear, - daddy, you're on.
- Yes.
Yes.
Okay.
Uh, Princess Giselle is make-believe.
Okay.
Award-nominated actress Amy Adams real and adorable.
Yeah.
She's very cute.
A horse that's real.
A unicorn make-believe.
Now this was a hard pill for me to swallow, too.
Still burns a little.
Maybe still out there.
- Nope, it's not.
- They don't know.
They don't know that.
Our handsome son Bill he's real.
Bee-Bop make-believe.
'Cause if you can't see it, it doesn't exist.
(Whispers) Good job.
Then what about God? You can't see God.
- Why don't we just stick to the to the flash cards? - Yeah.
Yep.
So what if milk has worm hones? Your daughter gets boobs by 10.
- What girl doesn't want that? Next.
- Oh, I read recently in one of the parenting books Screw books.
Books put you up here.
I want you right down here.
Gotta parent from the gut, ladies.
- Let's grow a pair.
Next question.
- I can't get my son sleep through the night.
Oh, boy.
I remember that one.
My son used to wake me up at 10 a.
m.
! You know what solved it? Blackout curtains in the nursery.
- Done and done.
- My daughter keeps taking off her clothes and running around.
- I don't see a problem with that.
- This is great.
It's like Suzie Orman for moms.
Come on Annie.
You're gonna be late! - I don't want to go to karate.
- Honey, we talked about this.
You have to honor your commitments, even though it might not always be fun.
But look, life is 50% inspiration, and 90% perspiration.
Okay, I might be off on my numbers, but the point is, - you're going.
- Fine.
I'll go.
And so will I.
(Vce vibrating) Ah.
This is so much better than kickball.
Such a better use of my feet.
I was on my way to the field, and I saw your mani/pedi special, and it just sucked me right in.
(Voice vibrating) Oh, yeah.
What the (Normal voice) Oh, no way! Annie! Skipping karate? You're in big trouble, young lady.
- You know I hate it.
- Yeah.
Didn't you see her Twitter feeds? I have no idea what that means.
Annie, you lied to me.
You're grounded.
Quit trying to control me.
I'm not! Now stand up straight and be quiet.
Do not move a muscle.
I'll be right back.
Wait.
Why aren't you at kickball? Because I said so! Okay, so we had a little setback, but we're gonna rededicate ourselves to our sports.
We're all gonna practice today.
So why don't you guys get in there and show your cousin some of those moves? - And, Annie, you're going to my kickball game on Saturday.
- No, that's Lyla's poetry slam.
- Why do I get punished for skipping practice and you don't? - Goal! Believe me, this is punishment.
(Glass shatters) Hey, what was that? - (Bill) Bee-Bop did it! - So this Bee-Bop thing is still happening? (Sighs) Yes, and I have read every book, gone to every mommy message board.
Hey, can I ask you some advice, you know like mom to mom? What's it like to have a kid with a problem? - Just throw me the ball.
- What? What did I do? - Okay.
Alright, you ready for this? - Okay.
Okay.
And Okay, wait, wait, it.
The timing on that was really weird.
Oh, God.
I'm so sucky at kickball.
- Are you about to have nerd rage? - I don't know what that means! So shut up! Give it to me again.
Put some of the power into that kick.
I am wiped.
Mm.
What's the hizzy, my bizzles? Hey.
Hey, Rosemary.
What is up with the clear liquid that everybody is drinking? Water.
Ohh.
Listen, J.
Jams, I got a favor to ask.
I would like to borrow an article of clothing from you.
How do I say it? It's boxy.
It's got a thing open, a sleeve, a pant.
A suit? Suit.
Suit.
Such a weird word.
Yeah, the moms down at the coffee shop want me to host a parenting seminar, and I just wanted to be sure to wear something that's very nonthreatening and asexual.
So I knew you'd be my man.
Y you are running a parenting seminar? That's unbelievable.
That's shocking, really.
I know.
It's about time right? I think the world is finally ready for Rose mommy.
Rose mommy? My guru name.
Emily, swing by with Bill, and I will take care of that imaginary friend problem - for you lickety-split.
- Thank you.
Everything will be okay.
- Everything is not okay! - Bill, you can't put your mom's clothes on the grill! - Those were my favorite pants.
- Bee-Bop doesn't like your clothes.
- Oh, yeah? Well, Bee-Bop doesn't read "In Style" magazine.
- You know what? It's like the linen just kind of fans the flame.
Babe, he's out of control.
What are we gonna do? - Maybe like a like a time-out? - Yes yes - No, no, no.
Give him a time-out.
- Or or we give Bee-Bop a time-out.
Stop talking about Bee-Bop! I swear to God, if I hear that name one more time, I am gonna (Screams) (Laughs) Bee-Bop thinks that's funny.
Bill Get in the car.
(Amplified voice) Okay, ladies, what do we say? Don't be cry babies! (All) Mom up! Let's have a hand for Horatio who's playing "child" tonight.
- Great job.
- I've taken improv classes.
- It shows.
One of you looks ridiculous.
- Rosemary Uh, Rose mommy.
Fine.
Rose mommy.
I need your help.
- Louder? - No.
It takes a brave parent to ask for help.
Oh, thanks Gretchen.
Are yo uh, having a problem with your kids, too? Oh, no, no.
I'm just covering the event for my mommy blog.
But big ups to you, Em.
Hey, Mr.
jazz hands.
Why don't you moonwalk up here? - I could use you.
Horatio, you're done.
- He doesn't have my stage presence.
Okay, it's just getting sad.
Please go.
All right, everybody.
The guru's gonna work her magic.
I'm gonna teach you guys how to get rid of (Whispers) an imaginary friend (Normal voice) Once and for all.
Bill, may I please talk with your very, very good friend Mr.
Bee-Bop? Thank you.
Hello, Mr.
Bee-Bop.
How are you today? He's a charmer.
No, I haven't lost weight, but that's sweet of you.
Okay, guess what? I got you a present.
It's right across the street.
Go on with your bad self.
Hurry up.
He's adorable.
Go on.
Keep going.
It's a box of puppies, mister Bee-Bop! Hurry up, darling! Just a little bit further.
(Bus rumbles past) Oh! And he got hit by a bus.
Mommy! She killed my best friend.
Okay, who wants a puppy? It's a corgi mix.
I got him! Bee-Bop's gonna be okay.
Mommy knows C.
P.
R.
- He's flatlining! - Hand me the paddles.
(Imitates electrical charge) Go to the light, Bee-Bop.
This is really not helping.
- That's the grief talking.
- I'll play hospital administrator.
Bee-Bop, we're denying your insurance.
One, two, three, four.
- It's too soon.
- It's okay momy.
I know Bee-Bop's not real.
You do? Well, honey, why did you make him up? I was mad.
I never have time to play with my real friends.
I have some much stuff to do.
Oh, for God sakes.
Somebody cover him.
He's looking right at me.
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry I overscheduled you.
You're just so good at everything like your mother.
Hey, how about tomorrow we blow off squash, and you can just relax and read a textbook.
Okay? Oh.
Well, Rose mommy rides again.
(Growls) Jane, great job in the outfield.
Yeah! There you go.
Hey.
She's so bad.
Why is she doing this? - What, are you kidding? - (Man) Come on, Jerome! She doesn't want to do this.
She's out there playing for you, - so you don't quit karate.
- Nuh-unh.
- Uh-huh.
Look at her.
- (Man) Whoa! (Cheering) Yeah! Whoo! Jorge! She's mirable.
That's what you call love, little sensei.
She's out there swinging and missing her little heart out for you.
She's like a crazy, floppin' dumb clown out there.
Psst.
Hey, Annie.
What you doing? Hop on my pegs.
You can still make my poetry slam.
Your mom's up.
You got it.
Come on, Jane! Come on, Jane! Come on! Come on.
Um I'm sorry, Lyla.
I I'm gonna stay here.
I can't.
That's lame.
Come on, mommy! You can do it! Whoo! Okay, feet, come on.
Work.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! (Grunting) Whoo! I d it! - You did it, mom! You made contact with the ball! - I did, didn't I? - Mom, I'm gonna stick with karate.
- Oh, honey, that's great.
Blair! Why didn't you run? - Foul ball! - What? Foul ball, you big dum-dum! Oh, right! What does that mean? That means you have to kick again.
Oh, no.
Go, mom.
I watching! Oh, no.
So we are canceling gymnastics on Thursday, but Bill says he still wants to do piano.
Ok.
Oh, and if Jane asks, Bill and Esther are not quitting.
They're merely opening time in the day so there is room for growth.
(Doorbell rings) - Hey, Ems.
Hey, Jace.
- Hey, Rosemary.
Emily, I came over to apologize for what happened at the seminar.
- I feel like maybe I went a little bit too far.
- Maybe? Okay, you're right, I didn't.
But still, I got you this.
Oh.
Come on, open it.
- Well, thank you.
That's very sweet.
- Yeah.
Look inside.
It's an imaginary Teddy Bear for Bill.
His name's Theodore.
Look, he likes to sit by the apples.
And then at look this, Jason! Whoo! Oven mitts! - Oh, thank you.
- What are you doing? She is okay.
We'll be chillin' and grillin' with this baby.
That is sturdy.
Next to Teddy.
And then look right in there, in the corner - the 30 bucks I borrowed from you last week.
- Get out.
- Okay.
I'm gonna take the box.
- I want you to get out of my house.
Out! Thank you.