Inside Comedy (2012) s01e04 Episode Script

[music.]
- I LOVE WHEN YOU DID THE OSCARS.
EVERYONE DID.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- YEAH.
ARE YOU DUE BACK, DO YOU THINK? - I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.
I LIKED DOING IT, FOR MOST OF THE TIME.
IT BECAME TOO MUCH PART OF MY YEAR.
- YEAH, BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE HOW MUCH WORK IT IS TO JUST DO THAT.
- YEAH, SO IT BECAME MONTHS AND MONTHS OF WORK, AND AFTER A WHILE, IT'S SORT OF A THANKLESS JOB.
YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE I COULD DO WITH IT, SO I SORT OF GOT BURNT OUT ON THE PROCESS.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- THE FIRST TIME, I HAD PRESENTED, I THINK, TWICE, SO NOW I HOST THE SHOW.
THERE WAS ONE MOMENT IN THAT SHOW WHERE HAL ROACH, WHO WAS 100 YEARS OLD-- THIS IS THE MAN WHO GAVE BIRTH TO LAUREL AND HARDY, OUR GANG.
REALLY ONE OF THE FATHERS OF SILENT, AND THEN TALKIE COMEDY, UH, WAS SUPPOSED TO WAVE FROM THE AUDIENCE.
AND I INTRODUCED HIM, AND HE GOT UP AND STARTED SPEAKING.
- [laughs.]
- AT 100, I GUESS YOU CAN.
- YEAH.
- UM, AND THERE WAS NO MIC, SO HE JUST--HE JUST STOOD UP.
- [laughs.]
- AND STARTED-- AND I'M ON THE STAGE, AND I KNOW I'M ON, YOU KNOW, ON CAMERA, AND IT SOUNDED LIKE THIS TO ME.
[mumbling softly.]
[laughter.]
[continues mumbling.]
AND I SEE THEM RUNNING TO GET A HAND MIC OUT, AND EVERYONE IS, LIKE, LOOKING AT HIM FIRST AND THEN THEY LOOK AT ME, LIKE, SAY SOMETHING.
AND I SEE THE RED LIGHT'S ON ME, AND I SAID, "THIS IS ONLY FITTING, 'CAUSE HE GOT HIS START IN SILENT FILMS.
" [laughter.]
- PERFECT.
- AND SO THAT, TO ME, IF YOU SAID, I WAS A PROFESSIONAL COMEDIAN.
- A PERFECT LINE, AND IT DOESN'T HURT ANYBODY.
- NO.
IT JUST-- THAT WAS A SPECIAL MOMENT.
[upbeat music.]
[music.]
- YOU AND YOUR BROTHER, DID YOU USED TO DO THE TONIGHT SHOW AT HOME, IN YOUR HOUSE, A VERSION OF THAT? - NO, I DID A--NO.
- WHAT WAS IT? - I WAS PRIME TIME.
I WAS--IT WAS THE MARTIN SHORT SHOW.
WE WERE ON 8:30s EVERY OTHER TUESDAY.
[laughter.]
- SO I WOULD, UH, I HAD AN APPLAUSE RECORD THAT I'D GOTTEN FROM SINATRA AT THE SANDS.
- HOW OLD WERE YOU AT THE TIME? - 14.
- 14.
- AND I WOULD, UM, YOU KNOW, DO A MEDLEY OF SONGS THAT WEREN'T NOMINATED OR SOMETHING, AND THEN I'D INTERVIEW ELDRIDGE CLEAVER OR SOMEONE LIKE THAT FROM THE PLAYBOY INTERVIEW.
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOUR PEOPLE? YOU KNOW, AND I'D READ WHAT HE SAID AND THEN SOMEONE WOULD SAY "DINNER," AND WE'D TAPE LATER.
BUT I WOULD TYPE THINGS UP FOR TV GUIDE, HIGHLIGHTS, YOU KNOW, AND MY BROTHER MICHAEL-- I HAD A ROCKING CHAIR IN MY ROOM, AND THE ARM WAS BROKEN, AND I HAD A TUBE OF GLUE AND I KEPT GLUING IT.
AND HE WENT TO MY PARENTS AND SAID, "I REALLY THINK THAT WE HAVE TO BE OPEN TO THE IDEA THAT HE'S SNIFFING GLUE.
" THIS IS NOT NORMAL.
THERE ARE KIDS PLAYING BASEBALL ON THAT STREET, AND YOU JUST HEAR ME GOING [music.]
WEATHER-WISE, SUCH A CUCKOO DAY [laughter.]
- AMAZING.
- YEAH.
WELL, AMAZING, SAD, WHATEVER.
[music.]
- SO, BRAD, SO EVERYBODY KNOWS 'TIL DEATH DO US PART AND EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND.
DO PEOPLE REALLY KNOW THAT YOU'RE A STANDUP COMEDIAN? OR DO THEY REMEMBER THAT OR NOT? - THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW ME FROM THE OTHER TWO SHOWS.
- [laughs.]
- I COULDN'T GET BY THE GATE EARLIER.
- [laughs.]
- YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE KNOW THE STANDUP DAYS, AND THEN I'M STILL ON THE ROAD, YOU KNOW, - RIGHT.
- THAT'S REALLY MY THING.
- YEAH, I REMEMBER WHEN DID THE BENEFIT IN SAN FRANCISCO WITH MORT SAHL AND EVERYONE.
IT WAS JUST AS GOOD MATERIAL AS I CAN REMEMBER.
- WELL, THAT WAS A GREAT NIGHT.
I REMEMBER, IT WAS QUITE A WHILE AGO, BUT YOU WERE VERY, VERY, VERY NICE TO ME.
YOU CAME UP TO ME AFTERWARDS AND YOU SAID, "GREG, I JUST WANT--" [laughter.]
IT WAS A LOT OF FUN.
- I WOULD HAVE SAID "MOSHE.
" - MOSHE.
- RIGHT.
- OR CARON.
ONLY AROUND THE PASSOVER TABLE.
- OH, CARON.
- YOU KNOW, WHEN MOM HAS A COUPLE.
- [laughs.]
YOUR MOM TENDS TO DRINK A LITTLE BIT, OR IS THAT JUST YOU MAKING FUN OF HER? - SEE, NOW WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? SEE, THAT'S INTERESTING.
THAT'S HOW MUCH YOU KNOW.
'CAUSE I'LL DO THIS WHEN I TALK ABOUT MY MOM.
SHE DOESN'T SMOKE OR DRINK, BUT TO ME, SHE DOES.
- YEAH.
- 'CAUSE SHE'S [whistles.]
YOU KNOW, THE CAPTAIN'S LEFT THE BRIDGE.
- RIGHT.
- I LOVE MY MOM.
MY MOM WAS--I WAS HUGE GROWING UP.
I WAS, LIKE, SIX FEET AT 12, AND MY BROTHERS WERE REGULAR SIZE.
AND I REMEMBER MY MOM, YOU KNOW, SHE LITERALLY, SHE WOULD TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MY SIZE, BUT SHE WOULD ALWAYS DO SHTICKS.
SHE WOULD SAY, "HE'S A LARGE BOY BUT IT'S ALL HEART, BUT WHEN HE CAME OUT OF ME--" AND THEN SHE WOULD DO-- BUT I ACTUALLY OVERHEARD MY MOM ONCE SAY, THE FIRST TIME WE WENT TO DISNEYLAND, ME AND MY THREE BROTHERS, SHE ACTUALLY SAID, "LISTEN, IF WE GET LOST, MEET AT BRAD.
" [laughter.]
[upbeat music.]
[music.]
- I WAS IN LAS VEGAS, DOING ONE OF THOSE DEAN MARTIN ROASTS.
IT WAS FOR ALI.
- UH-HUH.
- AND ORSON WELLES WAS ON THE PANEL AS A ROASTER.
THIS IS WHERE THE, YOU KNOW, HE HAD ENDED UP, UM, GETTING JOKES, DOING THESE ONE LINE JOKES FOR THESE ROASTS.
- MM-HMM.
- SO I'M COMING OFFSTAGE, AND SITTING BACKSTAGE NOW, ON AN APPLE BOX, IS THE GREAT ORSON WELLES IN EVERYTHING BLACK, SITTING, GOING OVER HIS JOKES, AND HIS TUXEDO PANTS WERE UP A LITTLE BIT, SO THESE BIG CLINTON-LIKE KIND OF CALF MUSCLES WERE POPPING OUT OF HIS SOCKS, AND IT WAS NOT A GREAT PICTURE.
AND HE WAS GOING OVER THESE THINGS AND LETTERS WITH GREG GARRISON, GOING OVER THE JOKES, SO I WALKED UP TO HIM, YOU KNOW, AND I SAID, "MR.
WELLES, I JUST WANT TO SAY--" AND HE FINISHED MY SENTENCE FOR ME.
"THAT I'M A GREAT INFLUENCE ON YOU.
"THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
NOW, BASICALLY, GO FUCK YOURSELF.
" [laughter.]
- REALLY? - SO I WENT, "OKAY," AND I LEFT.
I ARRIVE IN L.
A.
, AND I WAS GONNA SEE MY GOOD FRIEND CHRIS GUEST, SO I TOLD HIM WHAT HAD HAPPENED.
I SAID, "AND HE SAID, 'AH, GO FUCK YOURSELF.
'" AND HE SAID, "DID YOU SAY ANYTHING?" I SAID, "I COULDN'T.
I WAS JUST SHOCKED.
AND SO, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE SAID?" CHRIS SAID, "I WOULD HAVE SAID, 'NO, I WASN'T THINKING THAT.
'I WAS THINKING THAT YOU'RE A BIG, FAT FUCK WHO PEAKED WHEN HE WAS 24.
'" [laughter.]
SO I SAID, "OH, STUPID ME.
" - I BLEW IT.
- SO NOW I GO TO DO THE TONIGHT SHOW.
MY FIRST TONIGHT SHOW.
I WAS REALLY NERVOUS ABOUT IT.
WELLES IS A GUEST.
- OH, GOD.
- SO I DO MY THING, AND FOR WHATEVER REASON, I GET CALLED OVER TO THE PANEL ON MY FIRST SHOW, AND NOW I SIT IN THE CHAIR AND NOW YOU'RE ORSON WELLES, AND JOHNNY IS OVER HERE.
AND JOHNNY SAID, UM, "YOU'RE GONNA BE ON THIS, UH, THIS DEAN MARTIN ROAST.
WELL, WHAT'S THE CONNECTION WITH YOU AND ALI?" - MM-HMM.
- AND BEFORE I COULD SAY IT, WELLES JUMPS IN.
- "WAIT TILL YOU SEE HIM ON THE SHOW, JOHNNY.
"HE'S HILARIOUS.
HE STEALS THE SHOW.
THIS GUY'S GOT A BIG FUTURE.
" AND THAT WAS BASICALLY HOW HE APOLOGIZED.
- REALLY? OH.
- FOR DISSING ME.
- THAT'S A GOOD APOLOGY, IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE.
- MILLIONS OF PEOPLE, ORSON WELLES.
BIG ENDORSEMENT.
YEAH, IT WAS REALLY AMAZING.
[upbeat music.]
[music.]
- JERRY LEWIS, YOU MET JERRY LEWIS, RIGHT? - I HAD IMPERSONATED JERRY FIRST.
- RIGHT.
- AND I REMEMBER, THE FIRST PIECE I DID, ON SCTV, WAS JERRY LEWIS: LIVE AT THE CHAMPS-ELYSEES.
AND IT WAS A SATIRE OF RICHARD PRYOR'S DOCUMENTARY THAT MARTY SCORSESE DID.
- IT'S YES, LEWIS IS BACK AND FRANCE HAS GOT HIM.
- [music.]
I'M JERRY WITH A "J" [music.]
PARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? [music.]
I'M JERRY THE PREMISE IS THAT IT WAS A CONCERT.
IT WAS GOOD IN A WAY, BECAUSE I COULD CELEBRATE WHAT WAS GREAT ABOUT HIM.
SO, IN OTHER WORDS, IF I'M RUNNING AROUND THE STAGE AND I'M DOING THE LIGHTER, "WAAAHHH!" AND THE LIGHTER GOES UP, IT REALLY MADE ME LAUGH.
- RIGHT.
- SO THE IDEA WAS THAT I WASN'T TRYING TO, UM, PUT HIM DOWN IN ANY WAY.
I WAS TRYING TO SHOW, ISN'T THIS A FUNNY BIT? THIS IS WHAT HE DOES.
BUT THEN, LATER ON IN THE PIECE, I'M BERATING THE AUDIENCE AND I'M DRESSED IN A SAILOR'S OUTFIT.
YOU KNOW, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE 60, SMOKING, AND TALKING WITH THE STUDIOS, BUT TO THE AUDIENCES, THEY'RE AFRAID OF A PERFECTIONIST AND IF A JERRY LEWIS AIN'T GONNA GET A DISTRIBUTION DEAL BECAUSE OF SOME 12-YEAR-OLD WHO'S HEAD OF THE STUDIO THIS WEEK [laughter.]
THEN, AROUND SOME TEN YEARS LATER OR SO, I INTERVIEWED JERRY, AND I WAS VERY NERVOUS TO MEET HIM 'CAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER HE WAS GONNA HIT ME.
- RIGHT, YES.
- AND IT WAS 1991.
HE WAS STILL REALLY YOUNG, IT SEEMED.
LIKE, "HI, MARTY.
HOW ARE YOU?" [laughter.]
AND, BUT VERY NICE, AND THEN, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE INTERVIEW, HE SAID, "DIDN'T YOU DO ME ON SCTV?" OH, "DIDN'T YOU DO ME ON THE TELETHON?" HE SAID.
I SAID, "NO, I DIDN'T DO YOU ON THE TELETHON.
"NO, NO, NO, I DID YOU LIVE AT THE CHAMPS-ELYSEES AS IF MARTY SCORSESE.
" AND HE KIND OF WENT [chuckles.]
"THAT'S GOOD.
" SO I PASSED THE TEST.
- YOU PASSED.
- I PASSED.
[imitates purr.]
BUT THAT GOES BACK TO MY THEORY.
I THINK THAT, UM, SO I DON'T KNOW IF HE'D EVER SEEN IT OR HEARD ABOUT IT.
- BUT YOU DO AN OLDER JERRY AND A YOUNGER JERRY, RIGHT? - WELL, YOUNGER JERRY WAS, UM, ALL THAT KIND OF, YOU KNOW [music.]
GOTTA GET MY OLD TUXEDO PRESSED [music.]
GOTTA SEW A BUTTON ON MY VEST BUT THEN, AS HE GOT OLDER, THERE WAS MORE OF A RABBINICAL AUTHORITARIAN.
- RIGHT.
- AND I ALWAYS FEEL THAT IT WAS LIKE HE HAD A LOZENGE IN HIS MOUTH.
NOT THAT HE HAD A LOZENGE IN HIS MOUTH.
BUT IT WAS AS IF HE HAD, SO HE WOULD TALK ABOUT THE THING.
"TODAY, COMEDY IS A VERY TOUGH GAME.
OH, I'LL PUT THIS HERE AND KEEP TALKING.
" AND IT WAS ALWAYS THAT KIND OF, SO A LITTLE MORE, UH, MORE SERIOUS JERRY.
THE AUTEUR CAME OUT.
[laughter.]
[upbeat music.]
[music.]
- YOU OPENED FOR SINATRA? - YEAH, ACTUALLY.
I GO WAY--I GO WAY BACK.
I'VE GOT ABOUT 20 YEARS ON YOU, DAVID.
I'VE GOT 20.
I OPENED FOR SAMMY AND SINATRA.
- REALLY? - AND LIZA.
I WOULD PULL HER OFFSTAGE WHEN SHE WOULD CRY AT THE END OF EVERY SHOW.
THAT WAS ME.
I'D GET HER IN THE COAT AND PUT THE FUR ON AND FEED THE PUPPY AND GET HER IN THE VAN.
BUT I WAS WITH FRANK.
LIKE, THE LAST, UM IT WAS REALLY AMAZING FOR ME, 'CAUSE I WAS SUCH A FAN OF HIS MUSIC AND I WAS, YOU KNOW, I WAS RAISED ON SINATRA AND TONY BENNETT, AND THAT WAS ALWAYS IN MY HOUSE.
NOT THE RECORDS, BUT THE GUYS.
THE ACTUAL--MY DAD WOULD JUST BRING 'EM IN.
[laughter.]
BUT, UM, YOU KNOW, OPENING FOR FRANK WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW, WE ALL START AS OPENING ACTS, OBVIOUSLY, WHEN YOU DO STANDUP, AND IT WAS LIKE OPENING FOR THE POPE, I MEAN, AND EVEN THOUGH IT WAS-- IT WAS KIND OF, YOU KNOW, IT WAS THE LATTER PART OF HIS PERFORMING LIFE.
YOU KNOW, HE WAS IN HIS LATE 70s, AND STILL HE WOULD HAVE SOME INCREDIBLE NIGHTS, AND THEN THERE ARE SOME NIGHTS, YOU KNOW, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, IF YOU'RE 79, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE IN A BOTTLE OF JACK BEFORE YOU HIT THE STAGE.
THERE WAS ACTUALLY ONE NIGHT WHEN HE WOULD GO [music.]
THE SUMMER WIND [music.]
IS A TRAMP [music.]
BAH BAH DAH [music.]
BAH BAH SO I WAS, I WAS OPENING FOR HIM ONE NIGHT, AND WE WERE IN--AND HE CALLED ME "GREG BARRETT" FOR THE TWO YEARS I WAS ON THE ROAD WITH HIM, YOU KNOW.
- AND SO YOU CAN'T CORRECT HIM EVERY TIME.
- "GREG BARRETT, BABY.
TAKE A BOW.
"THIS BIG JEW, I COULD KNOCK HIM OUT IN ONE PUNCH.
GREG BARRETT.
" HE WOULD, YOU KNOW--AND WHAT WAS FRIGHTENING IS, YOU KNOW, I'M TAKING A BOW TO ANOTHER PERSON'S NAME, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE HOW DO YOU GO UP TO FRANK? YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T WANT TO REALLY CORRECT HIM, YOU KNOW? SO I WOULD GO UP TO HIS PEOPLE.
I WOULD GO UP TO JILLY AND I WOULD SAY, "YOU KNOW, IT'S AN HONOR TO BE HERE, BUT IF YOU COULD TELL HIM IT'S--IT'S BRAD," AND HE WAS LIKE, "WHO'S BRAD?" [laughter.]
I GO, "I'M BRAD.
" AND HE WOULD SAY, "OH, HE'S SAYING YOUR NAME WRONG.
" I'D GO, "YEAH.
" HE'D SAY, "WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM?" YOU KNOW, MY MOM WOULD COME TO THE SHOW, AND SHE WOULD SAY, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
YOU CAN'T SAY, 'FRANK, I'M BRAD'?" [laughter.]
THEN SHE WOULD HAVE THAT.
BUT ONE NIGHT, I'M OPENING FOR HIM IN NEW JERSEY, YOU KNOW, HIS HOMETOWN, AND WE'RE AT, YOU KNOW, WE'RE AT RESORTS, AND, YOU KNOW, I'M, LIKE, 24.
THIS IS, LIKE, THE TIME OF MY LIFE.
AND, UM, YOU KNOW, YOU GO OUT THERE, AND I WORKED THE CROWD A LOT, 'CAUSE, TO THIS DAY, YOU KNOW, I DON'T HAVE AN ACT.
- RIGHT.
- YOU KNOW, I WOULD WALK OUT THERE AND DO TEN MINUTES ON A GUY'S TIE OF WHATEVER.
WELL, FRANK'S CROWD, YOU KNOW, IT'S 10:00 AT NIGHT AND EVERYONE'S WEARING DARK GLASSES.
- AND THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU.
- THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
SO IT'S, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME GREG BARRETT.
" YOU KNOW, AND I WALK OUT THERE, AND I HEAR, "FRANKIE! WHERE'S FRANK?" YOU KNOW, THIS IS HAPPENING FOR, YOU KNOW-- "FRANKIE!" YOU KNOW, IT'S GUYS WITH, YOU KNOW, GLASSES AND WHITE TIES, AND THEY STILL HAVE, LIKE, SOMEONE IN A HEADLOCK.
THEY'RE JUST SITTING THERE.
"FRANKIE!" YOU KNOW.
AND I'M DYING MISERABLY, YOU KNOW, AND, UM, HE WOULD NEVER-- I WOULD ALWAYS SAY, "HOW LONG DO I DO TONIGHT?" AND THEY WOULD GO, "DO 10, DO 20.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
" AND I'D SAY, "BUT IT DOES MATTER," 'CAUSE IF I'M DOING "IF FRANK WANTS TO GO ON, HE COMES ON.
"HE JUST WALKS OUT, AND IT'S FUN.
YOU GIVE HIM THE MIC AND--" SO HE WOULD COME OUT SEVEN MINUTES INTO IT.
ONE NIGHT, HIS HELICOPTER DIDN'T LAND.
I'M OUT THERE 40 MINUTES.
I'M LITERALLY DOING A Q&A.
[laughter.]
SO, ONE NIGHT, I'M REALLY DYING.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NEW JERSEY, AND IT'S--IT-- AND I SAY, AS A JOKE, I GO, "YOU'VE REALLY BEEN GREAT.
STICK AROUND FOR FRANK.
" OKAY? - RIGHT.
- WHICH WAS SUPPOSEDLY-- - RIGHT.
VERY FUNNY.
- GET OFFSTAGE, KNOCK ON THE DOOR, TO JILLY AND HANK.
"HOW'D EVERYTHING GO TONIGHT? EVERYTHING OKAY OUT THERE?" I SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT WAS A ROUGH NIGHT.
" "WE'RE A LITTLE CONFUSED.
"WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS "TO SAY, 'STICK AROUND FOR FRANK.
' THEY'RE HERE TO SEE FRANK.
" I SAID, "WELL," I SAID, "THAT--THAT'S THE JOKE.
" "THEY'RE NOT HERE FOR YOU.
" I SAID, "NO, I JUST BOMBED FOR 15 MINUTES.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
IT WAS A JOKE, STICK AROUND.
" - "WELL WE THINK YOU'RE MAKING FUN "THAT HE'S LATE A LOT, SO YOU WERE SAYING, "'STICK AROUND FOR FRANK' LIKE YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT FOR FRANK.
" I SAID, "I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.
I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT.
I WAS MAKING FUN OF MYSELF.
" "YOU WEREN'T MAKING FUN OF YOURSELF.
" SO HE ASKS THE GUY-- JILLY ASKS, HE GOES, "TONY, HOW DID YOU HEAR IT?" AND TONY, YOU KNOW, HAS GOT ONE GOOD EYE, YOU KNOW.
HE SAYS, "I HEARD HIM SAY, 'STICK IT TO FRANK.
'" [laughter.]
I HEARD, 'STICK IT TO FRANK.
'" AND I SAID, "LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA STAND ON A STAGE IN NEW JERSEY AND SAY, 'STICK IT TO FRANK.
'" [laughter.]
THE NEXT WEEK, I'M OPENING FOR LIZA, AND THERE WAS LITERALLY JUST, YOU KNOW, A LETTER FROM MY AGENT, GOING, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
"IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
YOU'RE NOW IN RENO TOMORROW WITH LIZA.
" - RIGHT.
- I MAKE A COMMENT ABOUT LIBERACE THAT NIGHT.
I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS HER GODFATHER.
SHE COMES BACKSTAGE, CRYING.
"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LEE HAS MEANT TO ME.
" NEXT WEEK, GLEN CAMPBELL.
I'M OPENING FOR-- YOU'VE GOT THE SEVEN-FOOT JEW AND THE REDNECK.
YOU KNOW, HE'S LIKE, "YOU'RE OKAY WITH PONIES, RIGHT?" SO [laughter.]
- JERRY LEWIS IN INGMAR BERGMAN'S - I'VE RETURNED FROM STOCKHOLM TO TELL YOU OUR MARRIAGE IS DEATH, A PITIABLE VESTIGE OF OUR YOUTH.
I'M GETTING A DIVORCE.
MY LAWYER WILL CONTACT YOU IN THE MORNING.
HIS NAME IS SVEN GUNDERBLOOM.
- SVEN GUINDEN? - SVEN GUNDERBLOOM.
- SY HAIVENS.
- NO, NO, NO.
REPEAT AFTER ME.
SVEN.
- SVEN.
- GUN-- - GUN-- - DER-- - DER-- - BLOOM.
- BLOOM.
- SVEN GUNDERBLOOM.
- SY WOIVENSEN.
- FORGET THE NAME.
- IT'S A DIFFICULT NAME GOING ON.
IT'S NOT LIKE JOHNSON.
JOHNSON IS A TRICKY NAME.
OH, GEE, WOWZY.
- I HATE YOU.
I HATE YOU! - SMITH IS GOOD.
SMITH IS GOOD BECAUSE IT'S A REAL-- OH, NO! - YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS SORT OF FELT BAD THAT SCTV NEVER STAYED TOGETHER TO DO, LIKE, A MOVIE, LIKE MONTY PYTHON OR ANYTHING.
- YEAH, IT'S ALWAYS THAT THING WHERE I THINK THAT EVERYONE IS TOLD HOW CLEVER THEY ARE, AND THEY'RE KIND OF IN UNIVERSITY, AND NOW THEY'RE SAYING, "WAIT TILL I GET OUT ON MY OWN.
" AND I THINK SOMETIMES, IN RETROSPECT, YOU LOSE SIGHT OF THE FACT THAT MAYBE THERE WAS REAL MAGIC IN THE COMBINATION OF THIS GROUP.
- MM-HMM.
- BUT I ALSO THINK PEOPLE WERE JUST-- THEY HAD--THEY WERE READY TO GO OUT ON THEIR OWN.
- THEY WANTED TO GO OFF ON THEIR OWN.
- 'CAUSE I REMEMBERED, JOHN CANDY, HE LEFT FIRST, AND WE DID A MOVIE TOGETHER, AND THERE WAS ONLY FIVE WEEKS TO DO THE FILM, AND THOM MOUNT, WHO WAS RUNNING UNIVERSAL, SAID, "DAVID, WE WANT YOU TO DIRECT IT," AND I SAID, "WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE SCRIPT?" HE SAID, "OH, JOHN'S WRITING THE SCRIPT.
" - [laughs.]
- SEE? YOU KNOW THAT.
- YEAH.
WELL, JOHN WAS JUST-- YOU KNOW, JOHN WAS A GENIUS, BUT THERE WAS-- - YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET A SCRIPT OUT OF JOHN CANDY.
- NO, NO, WELL, YOU'D GET-- YOU'D GET-- JOHN WOULD SAY, "I CAME UP WITH A SCENE THE OTHER NIGHT.
I WAS IN A BAR.
" AND HE'D LITERALLY BRING OUT COCKTAIL THINGS.
YOU KNOW, WHERE THE GLASS-- AND WRITING IT, AND SOME OF IT WAS BLURRED BECAUSE THE, YOU KNOW, THE RUM HAD SPILLED.
- YES.
- AND, UH - SO, SO THOM MOUNT, SO I SAID TO THOM MOUNT, I SAID, "HAVE YOU SEEN THE SCRIPT?" HE SAID, "OH, IT'LL BE HERE TOMORROW.
" WELL, JOHN NEVER CAME UP WITH A SCRIPT, BUT THEY HAD A GREAT TITLE.
IT WAS CALLED DRUMS OVER MALTA.
- YEAH.
- SO, I--YOU KNOW, SO I THOUGHT, I WANTED TO DIRECT SO BADLY, SO I WAS DIRECTING DRUMS OVER MALTA, AND WE ACTUALLY STARTED TO SHOOT THIS, AND JOHN MET A GUY ON A PLANE NAMED PIERRE DAVID, WHO WAS A PRODUCER OF FILMS.
- OH, I REMEMBER PIERRE.
- YOU REMEMBER PIERRE DAVID? - AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, PIERRE DAVID WAS THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF DRUMS OVER MALTA.
I THOUGHT, WHAT DO I CARE? I'M STILL DIRECTING IT.
SO WE WERE IN THE SECOND DAY OF SHOOTING, AND THEN I GET A CALL FROM A FRIEND OF MINE ON THE SET.
HE SAID, "YOU KNOW, THE MOVIE YOU'RE DOING IS ANNOUNCED IN THE TRADES.
" I SAID, "DRUMS OVER MALTA?" HE SAID, "NO.
THEY SAID YOU'RE-- AREN'T YOU DOING A MOVIE WITH JOHN CANDY?" I SAID, "YEAH.
" HE SAID, "THAT'S CALLED NUMBNUTS.
" [laughter.]
I SAID, "NUMBNUTS? I'M NOT DOING A MOVIE CALLED NUMBNUTS.
" AND THEN JOHN SAID, "OH, OH, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.
"PIERRE DAVID LIKES THE TITLE NUMBNUTS.
" I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW-- - HE IS THE BOSS.
- HE'S THE BOSS.
- YEAH.
- THE MOVIE BECAME GOING BERSERK.
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
- AND IT'S ALMOST UNWATCHABLE, EXCEPT THERE IS A GREAT PIECE, WHICH IS JOHN HANDCUFFED TO ERNIE HUDSON.
[dramatic music.]
[siren.]
- HEY, MAN, YOU'VE GOT TO GO.
- WHY? - NOW.
- AW, DON'T.
- OUT.
- AW, COME ON.
- BYE.
OUT.
THANK YOU.
OH, BABY.
OH, BABY.
MMM! - [moaning.]
- YEAH, IT'S SO GOOD.
[both moaning.]
[overlapping chatter.]
- [repeated groans.]
- JOHN WAS THE FUNNIEST, WASN'T HE? - YEAH, HE WAS FUNNY ALL DAY LONG.
- ALL DAY LONG, EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM.
AND WHEN WE ALL STARTED, YOU KNOW, WE WERE ALL RELATIV-- IT SEEMED LIKE-- "JEEZ, JOHN PICKED UP THE TAB AGAIN.
"DOESN'T HE MAKE THE SAME MONEY WE DO? WHERE DOES--?" BUT IT WAS VERY KRAMDEN.
YOU KNOW, "I'M PAYING.
IT'S ON ME.
I'M DOIN' IT.
" - HE LOVED BEING A BIG SHOT.
- OH, HE LOVED IT.
- BEING THE BIG GUY.
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
- BIG GUY.
- AND HE WAS SO GENEROUS.
- YEAH.
- AND SO FUNNY.
[upbeat music.]
[music.]
- I'VE BEEN FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO WORK WITH SOME AMAZING PEOPLE, AND SAMMY WAS THE FUNNIEST, BEST, COOLEST, AND STRANGEST CAT EVER.
- [laughs.]
- EVER.
EVER.
- YES, YES, THE STRANGENESS WAS JUST IN THAT HE WAS JEWISH AND ONE-EYED AND-- - IN A TUX.
- IN A TUX.
- HE WOKE UP IN A TUX.
- YES.
I ALMOST WANTED TO GET THE ICE AND THE CUBES JUST SO YOU COULD DO IT, BUT-- - WELL, THAT, SEE, THAT'S THE THING, MAN, THAT'S SO EXCITING ABOUT BEING WITH A, YOU KNOW, WITH A SCHMEGEGGE [laughter.]
LIKE THIS IS THAT WHEN YOU TALK AND YOU TALK ABOUT THE THINGS THAT BRING US NACHAS AND BRING US GOOD JOY ABOUT WHAT WE DO AND WHERE WE CAME FROM, THEN IT'S-- THEN IT'S ALL OF ONE.
IT DOESN'T MATTER, YOU KNOW, ABOUT IF YOU'RE THIS WAY AND I'M THAT WAY AND-- WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU? OH, HE'S OVER HERE.
THAT-- [laughter.]
- YES, INCREDIBLE.
- BUT IT WAS--WE DID I THINK WE HAD TWO DAYS OFF, UP IN HARRAH'S, LAKE TAHOE.
SO--SO NOW IT'S OPENING NIGHT [laughs.]
SO I DO MY 35 MINUTES, AND I WALK OFF INTO THE WINGS, AND SAMMY WAS NOT INTRODUCED.
HE WOULD JUST FOLLOW YOU OUT.
HE THEN WENT ON TO TELL A STORY THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
[laughter.]
HE SAID, "LAST YEAR, YOU KNOW, WHEN I HAD THAT PNEUMONIA, AND BILL AND I WERE SUPPOSED TO DO THIS THEN.
" NO.
I'M IN ICU, AND HE COMES WITH A SIGN THAT SAYS, "GET WELL, BABE.
CAN'T HEADLINE WITHOUT YOU.
" AND IT TOUCHED ME SO MUCH, AND THAT WE'RE HERE TOGETHER AGAIN, THAT'S THE KIND OF MAN THAT THIS CAT IS, RIGHT? "MAN" AND "CAT" IN THE SAME SENTENCE.
[laughter.]
IT NEVER HAPPENED.
[laughter.]
- THE WHOLE STORY-- - IT NEVER HAPPENED.
YOU KNOW, THE SECOND SHOW, I WAS BETTER THAN I WAS THE FIRST SHOW.
HE COMES BACK OUT AGAIN, SAYS A DIFFERENT STORY THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
[laughter.]
BUT THEY WERE GREAT STORIES.
- OF COURSE.
- SO I GO TO THE GUY IN THE BOOTH, THE SOUND GUY, AND I SAID--I SAID, "EXCUSE ME.
" HE GOES, "HEY, THAT'S A GREAT THING THAT YOU DID FOR SAMMY, GOING TO THE HOSPITAL.
" I SAID, "YEAH, WELL, THANKS.
"WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR? "WOULD YOU RECORD ALL OF HIS OPENINGS "WHEN HE FOLLOWS ME OUT, "JUST SO I COULD HAVE THEM? THEY WOULD MEAN A LOT TO ME, YOU KNOW?" AND I STARTED LYING.
"WE HAVE THIS REALLY SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP, AND I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE THIS.
" GOD, I HAVE 28, ON TAPE, DIFFERENT STORIES.
- THAT HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU AND HIM.
- THAT NEVER HAPPENED.
- THAT NEVER HAPPENED.
[laughter.]
AND I NEVER WOULD SAY TO HIM, "WHY DID YOU SAY THAT FOR?" - NO, NO, WHY WOULD YOU? YOU'RE STILL LOOKING GOOD IN THE STORY.
- IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.
- [laughs.]
- "THE OTHER DAY, WE'RE AT THE LAKE, AND I HAVE BILLY'S TWO LITTLE GIRLS WITH ME.
" NO.
"AND WE'RE JUST SKIPPING STONES, "AND WE'RE JUST WATCHING, WATCHING THE RIPPLES, HOW THEY WOULD GO LIKE THIS.
" THIS IS-- THIS IS ONE OF THEM.
"AND I WAS WATCHING HOW A RIPPLE BECAME [singing.]
"HOW A CIRCLE COMES A CIRCLE, HOW A WHEEL BECOMES A WHEEL.
" AND THEN HE WENT INTO THAT SONG.
[laughter.]
HE WENT INTO THE SONG.
IT WAS GENIUS.
IT WAS ABSOLUTE GENIUS.
[laughter.]
[upbeat music.]
- YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE, PERFORMERS, EVERYTHING.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- OH, PLEASE, MY PLEASURE.
ANYTIME, ANYWHERE.
- THANK YOU, MARTIN.
[upbeat music.]
THANKS, BRAD.
- THANK YOU.
IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE.
[applause.]
[music.]
- BILL, THIS IS GREAT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- I'M DONE? - YOU'RE DONE.
- BUT WE DIDN'T GET TO THE WHOLE, UH-- - WHAT DID YOU WANT TO GET TO? - ALL THE STUFF I DID FOR CHARITY.
[laughter.]
[upbeat music.]
[music.]