Irreverent (2022) s01e04 Episode Script
The Wisdom of Mack
1
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Paulo, let's go for a swim.
I can't.
Well, I'm gonna teach you.
A little bit deeper.
Okay.
I can't feel the bottom.
Start kicking.
Now, paddle.
[COUGHING]
Dad! Dad, help!
[GASPING]
♪
[GASPS]
You save yourself or you go under.
No one else is looking out for you.
Sink or swim.
[CHEERY VOCAL MUSIC]
♪
[ORGAN PLAYING]
♪
♪
Peter.
- Peter.
- Thank God, you are here.
I'm doing some fine tuning.
I want to be at my very best.
I believe that it's all any of us want.
It's very exciting. What an honor.
The Bishop is coming to Clump next week.
The Bishop?
The Bishop of Brisbane, your boss.
Great.
Yeah. No, that is so exciting.
I can't wait to meet him.
Her. The Bishop is a her.
Great.
And she'll be expecting
a full congregation.
You do realize you're supposed to be
boosting church attendances?
Yeah, Peter, I'm aware of that, okay?
You know, I'm just still getting a feel
for the parish, you know?
Well, you've been feeling
us ever since you got here.
Look, I'm not the only
one to blame here, okay?
God just isn't as
popular as he used to be.
You're blaming God?
He's gotta take some
of the responsibility.
You can't just throw a
man and a woman together.
Add in some fruit and a snake
and say, "Right, off you go."
Please promise me you won't repeat that
in front of the Bishop.
It won't help our cause.
[SCOFFS] We have a cause?
To save our church.
The Bishop is consolidating
all the rural parishes
and selling off any churches
that are not well attended.
Someone would buy this place?
Lester and the local Traders Association
would knock the church
down in a heartbeat
and put up a flipping phone tower.
[STAMMERS] That is just sacrilegious.
I mean, there's gotta be
something you can do, right?
I mean, you're like the godfather
of the church council.
It's the Bishop's call.
If you don't fill the church,
we'll both be out of a job.
Oh, crap.
So apparently, not enough
people are coming on Sundays.
You're kidding.
And the Bishop wants to sell the church.
Nice to see you're finally
taking this seriously, Rev.
Hey, pointing fingers is not helpful.
You're the one who wanted
to be a team, remember?
Fine, but if you don't
get those numbers up,
you could say goodbye
to your fake minister gig
and your chop-chop empire.
There is no empire.
I am simply helping a
local boutique farmer out
with some storage solutions.
And if there is no
storage, there is no payment
and we are both stuck here forever.
I need ideas.
Just go to the Sinclairs.
They're the biggest
family in the district.
How big are we talking?
Huge.
They breed like rabbits.
Yeah. Okay. I can work with rabbits.
All right, let's go.
- I'm busy.
- With what?
You're a teenage delinquent.
Stuff.
I can draw you a map.
See, teamwork makes the dream work.
Be more annoying, I dare you.
Sinnerman ♪
Oh, sinnerman ♪
Sinner ♪
You can't get away ♪
Yeah ♪
♪
[GEAR CRANKS]
[RADIO CHATTER]
[RADIO BEEPING]
Hello.
Crikey.
You scared the Bejesus out of me!
Sorry, man.
Where'd you blow in from?
I just drove over from town.
Ah, you're a septic tank.
What's that?
A Yank.
You know, American.
Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I am.
Name's Mack.
How about yourself?
Oh, they call me Spock
round these parts, mate.
Nice to meet you, Spock.
Hey, listen, I am the
new reverend in town,
and I am just going around
to all my parishioners
and inviting you guys back to church.
What do you say?
Yeah. Nah.
You'd be looking for Mum then.
Okay.
She carked it.
Hm?
Kicked the bucket.
She's passed.
Oh, man.
I am really sorry to hear that.
Ah, well, still keep
her chair here, but
You never know, right?
Might have been abducted.
Yeah. I mean, you never know.
Listen, I'm not gonna take
up any more of your time.
I'll let you get back to it.
Thank you very much.
All right.
Hey, you speak to me Aunt Phyllis?
No.
Up the road. She loves a singalong.
Great. Yeah. I'll check in on her.
Thanks, man.
Hey, I reckon we're in
the same game you and me.
Both, uh,
shouting upstairs, waiting for answers.
Yeah.
- See ya, mate.
- See ya.
♪
All right. [GRUNTS]
- [GUNSHOT]
- [SCREAMS]
[GUN CLICKS]
[YELPS]
- [GUNSHOT]
- Nick off.
I ain't selling.
Mrs. Sinclair?
Is that you?
I'm the new reverend in
town, Reverend Mackenzie.
You can call me Mack if you want.
I'm gonna come up now.
Is this all right? Thank you.
Yeah. Okay. Hi.
Sorry, Rev. Me
eyesight's not that flash.
- Thought you were from the bank.
- Oh, no.
No, no, no, definitely not.
I take it they've been
giving you some trouble, huh?
Nothing I can't handle.
Cup of tea?
Sure.
[MUTTERS] Some kind of welcome.
You know, I had me first tongue kiss
in church youth club. [LAUGHS]
I mean, didn't we all?
All that begetting and
begetting and knowing carnally
used to send our
teenage hormones racing.
Oh, Lordy, it did.
I mean, it is spicy stuff.
Now, look, Phyllis, I would love
to see you back in church on Sundays.
I really would.
I mean, I can't promise
you any tongue kissing,
but if you play your cards right
Our family'd be over the moon.
Well, great. It's settled.
And look, if it's a
matter of distance
Nothing to do with the distance.
It's that old Freddie Duncan,
that servant of Satan.
Wait, are you talking about Freddie,
who just falls asleep
during all my sermons?
I mean, he seems harmless enough.
Mm, don't be fooled.
Look, I'm not a great
believer in the Old Testament,
but if ever there was an
excuse for an eye for an eye,
- it's him.
- Oh.
As long as Freddie Duncan's in church,
no member of the Sinclair
clan'll set foot in there.
That's just how it is.
Uh [CHUCKLES]
Did you say clan?
Oh, yes. All 38 of us.
That's including the
kids, the grandkids,
them born on the wrong
side of the blanket.
- Bless them.
- Oh, yeah. Bless them.
Look, Phyllis, I gotta say
it would be such a shame to
lose all those souls to God.
So here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna have a little
word with Freddie.
I'll say a little prayer for you.
Oh, I can be pretty convincing.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
[ENGINE REVS]
Oh, shit.
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
[ENGINE TURNS OFF]
Hey, Officer.
Long way from home, Rev.
Ah, yeah.
Well, I'm just doing
some community outreach.
You know, taking the word
of God out to the bush.
Any reason why the good Lord's
word has to go at 120 clicks?
Is that how fast I was going? Wow.
I guess my clicks to
miles per hour conversion
still has a ways to go.
Could use a refresher.
Not sure you wanna learn.
Depends on the teacher.
You saved me a visit.
I was gonna swing by today.
Oh, look, if it's about
Peter's organ playing,
I might be able to
arrange a bolt of lightning
or even a plague of locusts.
It's Daisy.
Has she told you?
About what?
Typical. She has a court date this week.
That explains her mood.
She allegedly well,
actually it wasn't allegedly.
I caught Daisy red-handed.
She broke into the dentist and stole
a stash of prescription pills.
Opioids, mainly.
You gotta be kidding me.
I mean, she's too young
to go to jail here, right?
Well, technically she could still do
18 months in juvenile detention,
but she's drawn Magistrate Wilson.
Soft touch.
So she'll probably
get a slap on the wrist
and some community service.
That's good.
Well, I will pray for her.
Well, I was hoping you
might do a bit more.
Daisy needs a character
witness to appear on the day.
You being the local Rev
I I just don't feel right about that.
No, I mean, she and I just met.
Come on, Rev, you see her every day.
You live in the same house.
Yeah. Look, I would love to help.
I really would, but
I just don't feel like
I know her well enough.
Shame.
She obviously thinks
you're the best thing
since deep-fried Mars bars.
Look, don't blame me
for this, all right?
You're the one that arrested her.
♪
- [SIGHS]
- [CLEARS THROAT]
Really?
Speeding.
Ah, yep.
For your broken light.
You can't be serious.
Deadly.
Give me a break.
I'd like to.
I would,
but I really don't know you well enough.
[LAUGHS]
[CAR DOOR CLOSES, ENGINE STARTS]
Okay.
Daisy?
[BANGING ON DOOR]
Daisy.
Hey, Daisy.
What's this I hear
about you going to court?
It's nothing.
No, it's not nothing.
Piper asked me to be a
character witness for you,
so it's definitely something.
You know I can't do that for you, right?
I know.
I need to keep a low profile,
which means I need to steer
clear of cops and courts.
- I can't
- I know.
It's okay.
I'm just having one last bath.
You know, I hear they
only have showers in juvie.
Listen, kid, juvie is not a joke.
Chill.
It's under control.
Listen, I don't wanna hear anything more
about you and pills, okay?
Thanks, Mom.
I'm serious.
[SIGHS] Find any Sinclairs?
Yeah, actually, they're all coming.
Gotta figure out a way to
keep Freddie Duncan at home
on Sundays.
[LAUGHS]
Good luck with that.
Uh, what's so funny?
Hello.
♪
Hey, Lester.
Hey.
Um
what you got there?
[LAUGHS] Sorry, Rev.
It's nothing personal.
I don't know, man.
Laying odds on how I'm gonna
die seems a little personal.
Yeah.
You got nothing to
worry about, have you?
Straight upstairs, VIP ticket.
Ah, well, let's hope you're right.
Gentlemen.
Oh, hey, Freddie.
Just who I am looking for.
Hey. Hey.
Can't bet on yourself,
Rev. It's against the rules.
Bit like insider trading.
Well, don't you worry,
I plan on living a long and happy life.
That's what we all pray for,
Rev, a long and happy life.
Yeah. Speaking of which, Freddie,
is that what brings you
into church every Sunday?
That and the free tea and biscuits.
Right, but I understand it's a
very long way for you to come.
So you know, if you
weren't there every Sunday,
I'm sure you got some credits built up
with the big guy upstairs.
Anyone would think you
didn't want me there, Rev.
Oh, no, no, no.
Anyway, it wouldn't feel right.
After Jesus saved my
life the way he did.
Welcome, Reverend.
Ready?
- Lucy.
- Dinner for two?
No, no, no, no.
I'm not staying.
- Oh, okay.
- I'd like tonight's special.
- Thanks, Lucy.
- Everything I cook is special.
- [LAUGHS]
- Hey.
So Freddie, tell me more.
Jesus saved your life?
Yeah.
Bumped into him on the beach one night
on my way back from the bar.
The Jesus?
- Here in Clump?
- Yeah.
He had a beard and a sarong thing.
- Obviously.
- Yeah.
We had a chat for a while about fishing.
Mm-hmm.
- Carpentry.
- Mm.
But it was the nail holes
that were the giveaway.
Yeah, makes sense.
Then casually as you like, he points
to a freckle on my nose, says,
"You oughta get that looked at."
So I go to Grace. Turns
out, it's a melanoma.
We got it early, all thanks to Jesus.
And Grace.
So the least I can do
is turn up on Sunday.
Yeah, you are a shining
example, Freddie.
I wish more people were like you.
But even so,
if it weren't every Sunday, I mean
I haven't missed a
service in ten years, Rev.
Not about to start now.
Oh, right.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
All right, what's the
deal with that stuff?
- Vegemite?
- Mm-hmm.
It's like our national dish.
You'll get it once
you're a proper local.
Oh. When do you think that'll be?
You'll know.
You find Freddie?
Yep.
Said that he would rather die
than miss church on Sundays.
Maybe talk to Amy.
She might be able to help.
How?
She is Freddie's brother's
auntie's great-granddaughter.
or something like that.
Anyway, she's a Duncan.
Oh.
That makes sense now.
What do you mean?
Stubborn.
♪
All right, let me try it.
Go on.
Mm-mm-mm.
That is
- Good.
- Salty.
But good.
Oh, boy. Definitely not a local yet.
Oh, my God.
Come on, Keith.
Please, you can't quit
now, we're so close.
Close to what?
Bloody starvation?
We need to stick it out.
I need the work.
My family need to eat.
It's the kids.
I'm sorry, Amy.
- [ENGINE STARTS]
- Yeah.
Fine then.
Yeah. Go on then.
Don't worry about your mates!
Rough day?
What are you doing out here?
Hey, look, what can you tell me about
the beef between the
Sinclairs and the Duncans?
Oh, it's stupid.
I try and keep out of it. Why?
Well, I was thinking that
maybe I could broker a peace.
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
Good luck with that.
It's been around since the Jurassic.
Yeah.
About that, what actually happened?
I mean, nobody seems
to be able to tell me.
Well, I mean, it depends who you ask,
but it's something to
do with the prize bull
belonging to the
Sinclairs jumping the fence
and spreading its [CLEARS THROAT]
Love around the Duncan herd.
That's it?
And then add decades of tit for tat.
I honestly don't like your chances.
What do you say to helping me out?
Dude, I've got enough crap going on.
Look, all I'm asking is for you to see
if Freddie will sit down
with Phyllis Sinclair and me.
And if I can get them talking,
then who knows what'll happen?
I mean, please, pretty please.
Just a teensy little favor.
Come on, please.
All right. But it'll cost you a drink.
A proper one with an umbrella.
Yeah. Okay.
- I can do that.
- [CHUCKLES]
I will take you there myself.
You just have to turn up, Daise.
I will.
Officer Baramah.
Hey, I don't suppose you've had
a change of heart about
vouching for Daisy in court?
No, forget it.
I was just hoping
I know I put you on the
spot yesterday, so I
- No need to apologize.
- I'm not.
I'm giving you another
chance to do the right thing.
Daisy's in real trouble
and she could use your help.
Um, what happened to a slap on the wrist
and community service?
They've changed the Magistrate.
The guy she's drawn now, his
nickname is Hangman Hendrik.
Look, I'd love to help.
But like I said,
I just don't feel like
I know her well enough.
The sad thing about that is if the boot
was on the other foot, I reckon
she'd help you in a heartbeat.
But there's nothing in
it for you, it there?
♪
Hey, Dickhead 1.
Hey.
What's up?
Tomorrow.
You said not to worry.
That was before.
There's a new judge and
apparently he's a dick.
Yeah. And?
You are such a great person, Daisy,
even a dick will see that.
You're not being serious, are you?
[SCOFFS]
No.
No way.
There's no way you're going to juvie.
You can walk in there and they'll go,
"She doesn't belong here.
She's great."
And they're gonna say that
you belong here with me
eating fish and chips on the beach.
You know that, Daise.
- Knock, knock.
- [KNOCKS]
Hey, lover boy.
- Oh, I'm not her
- I'm I'm
But just wait just wait just wait.
Tomorrow night, I'll be at
our spot and I'll have flake,
I'll have potato scallops
and I'll get calamari rings.
And it'll be my shout, so
you have to be there, right?
You know, I'd love that, but
I think I'll be eating meatloaf.
Daisy.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
Daisy.
Daisy.
Daise.
I reckon I could be a priest.
A priest. Are you joking?
- What?
- You wouldn't last a week.
Well, I look good in black.
I don't mind working weekends.
You do realize that priests
aren't allowed to shag?
- Fair dinkum?
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It's in the Bible.
Can't even sort themselves out either.
Right.
What about ice cream?
- What about ice cream?
- Can they have ice cream?
Yeah, mate.
Pretty sure priests can have ice cream.
Hey, Frick and Frack,
what's up with all the boxes?
A few more boxes from Ma.
This is more than a few.
Yeah, no, it's more like an Aussie few.
More than a couple, but not heaps.
Yeah, well, in Chicago,
this qualifies as heaps.
I don't have room for all this stuff.
You smuggling in Twinkies now, are you?
Oh, man, I wish.
No, this is, um, altar wine.
We're just keeping it in
the fish boxes for freshness.
You're expecting a crowd.
Well, the church likes to buy in bulk.
Hey, keep putting the
wine into the vestry, boys.
I've convinced Freddie to
meet with you and Phyllis.
- The beach bar, tomorrow morning.
- You're kidding me.
Oh, my God, you are amazing.
The UN should send
you to the Middle East.
You owe me that drink.
Anything you want.
Not that crappy church stuff.
- Absolutely not.
- [LAUGHS]
No, that stuff is terrible. It's
Whew. This is lovely.
And I do I smell it now.
But I gotta tell you, I feel
like everyone's always giving
the positive notes of wine.
I don't think we're
getting the full picture.
Yes, pomegranate,
but also traces of [SNIFFS]
Burnt eyebrow.
And I know what that
smells like, long story.
Maybe we bench a couple more
of these and I'll tell you.
You know, there is a
long and rich tradition
of winemaking among the clergy, Mack?
I really don't care.
I feel like I missed my vocation.
I love this.
Yeah, well, listen man,
I am so glad to hear
that I am also funding your journey
towards self-discovery, but
Our journey, Mack. Our journey.
And honestly, I feel like I'm making
some real progress here.
Blackcurrant
hospital sheets, right?
Buddy, important question.
Do you think it's
time to call Charmaine?
What? No.
[LAUGHS] No, man.
Nah, you cannot call Charmaine.
You have to play hard to get.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Yeah, you know the
saying, "Treat them mean,
keep 'em keen." That's the
it's like Leviticus 17
or something, right?
But don't you think she's
gonna like me more now?
No. No.
Listen to me, Mackenzie,
Charmaine will never love you more
than when she thinks she can't have you.
So promise me something, yeah?
Do not call Charmaine.
Okay. Okay.
I suppose you would know.
Let's try the one with the fancy label.
Listen, the reason I'm calling,
is there anything in the Bible
that talks about solving family feuds?
Old Testament is all
about settling old scores.
You got Cain and Abel.
Those brothers really did a number.
Moses verse the pharaoh,
you know, the water?
- He parted the waters.
- Right.
And then, oh, the classic,
David verse Goliath.
Nobody saw that one coming.
Anything maybe a little
more touchy-feely?
Uh-hmm. Mmm.
Mmm.
This one is a gem. I'm
not spiting this guy out.
Try the Judgement of Solomon, 1 Kings 3.
That's a real crowd pleaser.
Great.
That's it?
Oh, it's the best one.
What's the sticker on this guy?
$1,200.
Hoo-hoo-hoo! I'll take a case.
All right, buddy.
- Let's talk soon.
- [LINE DISCONNECTS]
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
Oh, man.
God.
Hey.
Hey.
What's the book?
Spoiler alert, he dies and comes back.
[SCOFFS]
[SIGHS]
Look, kid, I'm really
sorry about tomorrow.
I am.
It's cool.
Well, when I don't come back,
can you please post that for me?
I'll have to owe you for the stamp.
Your dad's in jail?
That's gotta be tough.
I look after myself.
I mean, who else is there, right?
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Right.
♪
I don't know why we bothered.
Ah, she said she'd be here.
I am sure she'll be here.
Sinclairs'll say anything.
Pack of liars and thieves.
Ah, here they are!
About time.
Still as rude as you ever was.
Well, hey.
We're all here now. We
can get this thing started.
Willful obstruction of a police officer
is a serious offense, Ms. Duncan.
All I did was chain
myself to the gate at work.
We do have a right to strike.
I am not recording a conviction
this time,
but I am fining you $1,500.
I don't have that kind of money.
Then I suggest you go back to work.
[THUNKING]
That's how I see it.
Like a broken record, always
banging on about 19-bloody-62!
- Isn't that right, Ron?
- Too right, dear.
Time to let it go.
When you pay for the heifers
our bull serviced, we will.
Your bull jumped over the fence.
We don't owe you anything.
You cut the damn wire to let it in.
We all know this has
nothing to do with the bull.
It's because your old man
drank the farm into the ground
and our family worked
hard and built something.
You did it with Sinclair semen.
♪
And you discovered the
accused in the dental clinic
in possession of the
prescription medication
and the window had been forced?
It appeared that way,
but it is possible
it had been left open.
Is that really likely?
I mean, the accused had
a very large screwdriver
on her person.
It's hard to say, Your Honor.
I'm upgrading these charges
to trespass and burglary
by breaking and entering.
And in future, Officer Baramah,
I'll thank you to execute
your duties properly
and not leave it up to me.
Yes, Your Honor.
[ALL SPEAKING AT ONCE]
Okay! Enough!
Thank you.
So I think it's fair to say
that both families
are feeling aggrieved.
Am I right?
And that maybe it has
caused us to do some things,
which upon reflection, we might regret.
Hm?
Maybe not.
This reminds me of a
story from the Bible.
We all know about King Solomon, right?
King of Israel, yeah?
Maybe some of you.
Anyway, so one day,
two women came to see the king.
And these two women
lived in the same house
and it just so happened
that they both had babies
on exactly the same day.
Who was the father?
Oh, you Duncan women must
have been asked that a lot
over the years, yeah?
Oh, that's a bit much.
- Rev, that is not cricket.
- Who asked you, Ron?
Right? You're not even a Duncan.
I'm a Duncan because Margie's a Duncan.
Okay. Ron, Ron, Ron.
Ron, I for one I'm very
glad that you're here.
So one of these women tells Solomon
that the other woman's baby died
and she swapped out the kids
in the middle of the night.
So these women, they are fighting.
They are bickering.
They're carrying on.
They're each claiming that
the living kid is theirs.
So the king, he calls a time out,
brings his guard over
and says, "You know what?
We're gonna cut the baby in half."
That's a bit off, Rev.
No, it
so they could share the
baby, half of it for each.
He's calling us baby killers.
So I'm hearing
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
The guard, look, he's raised his sword.
He's about to bring it down
when all of a sudden,
one of the women cries out,
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Please, please let the
other woman have it."
Why?
Well, you see, she was the real mother.
No, I'm still not
realizing the relevance
to our situation.
What about you lot?
This is why no one reads
the Bible these days.
She loved the baby so much that
she would rather give it up
Have you got kids, Rev?
'Cause you know stuff all about family.
Yeah. You see, that's your problem.
That's why you don't get this situation.
What do you reckon all this begetting
and the Bible's all about?
It's telling you who family is,
even if it looks like
they're from outer space.
They're still blood.
They stick up for you
and you stick up for them.
Life's dicey, Rev.
Sink or swim.
If you don't have family,
who's there to stop you from sinking?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
You save yourself or you go under.
No one's looking out for you.
♪
Where are you going?
Gotta stop somebody from drowning.
No one out there.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Seems you have a serious
drug problem, Ms. Black.
No.
No, Your Honor.
So you are selling?
No, Your Honor.
So they are for you or not?
Which one are you?
An addict or a dealer?
I, um I really needed the painkillers
and no one would give them to me.
So I had to take them,
but I'm not a junkie.
[SNICKERS]
Right, so you admit to breaking in
and stealing the pills then?
To be frank, I am sick to death
of young offenders like you
who do not take the law seriously.
Oh, amen.
- Pardon, Reverend?
- Oh, I'm sorry, Your Honor.
Everything you're saying
is like music to my ears.
Your interest is appreciated,
but we are in the middle of a hearing.
Please don't let me interrupt.
I just I really have to say
what a wonderful job you're doing.
Is there anything else
you wish to contribute?
We could swear you in.
Oh, no, no, no. That won't be necessary.
No, I'm just here as a
sign of support to you.
I'm the new local Reverend.
You can call me Mack, if you like.
I met Daisy here when I first arrived
and I have to tell you, I had her pegged
as a troublemaker from the start.
I mean, your instincts,
spot on, Your Honor.
And so bravo, sir, to
you for your firm hand.
Most likely she'll be
going to juvenile detention.
Oh, well, I sure hope
they're better in Australia
than they are in Chicago.
I mean, the juvenile detention centers
there are they're like summer camps.
They do nothing.
You know, what I prefer to do,
you know, just a personal preference,
is to take them under my wing instead.
You know, a little one-on-one attention.
I squeeze them.
I squeeze them like oranges
and I get all that bad juice out
and I fill them with God.
And the Lord disciplines those he loves.
- Proverbs.
- Exactly, Proverbs.
And I think it's obvious
that what a young troubled
person like Daisy really needs
is proper discipline.
You wouldn't consider
taking her under your wing?
No way. Forget about that.
- No. No, no, no.
- No.
I mean, look, under
normal circumstances, sure,
I would love to. I
love a real challenge.
But my calendar is just
so busy at the moment.
I've got Bible studies and
Christian values courses.
And there's the Eucharist
bread baking class
that I teach over at the manse.
But it all to say,
it's a really busy time.
I could write a community service order,
place her under your supervision.
I'm not doing that. No.
Just as you said, it's
exactly what she needs.
You know what, Your Honor?
You're right.
You know, just even thinking
about what I just said,
it sounds so selfish.
It would be the Christian thing to do.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
♪
So you're really stuck with me now.
Ah, don't make me regret it.
Hey.
Thanks.
Yeah.
So you're gonna tell me
what the drugs are for now?
Sure.
Right after you tell me why
you're hiding out in Clump.
Here it is.
Here what is?
Your thank you present.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
[LIGHT CLICKS]
♪
It's a bomb shelter from
the second World War.
Wow. This is unexpected.
Everyone's forgotten it's here,
so I thought that we could put a few
of our chop-chop boxes here.
Yeah, good idea.
But I think you mean my chop-chop boxes.
This definitely makes us partners.
No, it definitely doesn't.
Tell yourself whatever you like, Rev.
[FLAMES WHOOSH]
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Do you wanna spread it, please?
- Yeah.
- Hurry up.
- Yeah. Ooh, yes.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey.
Uh, I must have missed something, huh?
The Sinclair-Duncan
feud is officially over.
[ALL CHEER]
We're all coming to church together.
Freddie's gonna pick me
up on the way through.
You're the wise guy, Rev,
not that Solomon bloke.
No question, we were a bit peed off
when you just left like that.
Your ears must have been burning.
But then we realized
what you were up to.
Oh, yeah?
Bit of that reverse psychology.
Giving us a common enemy. Very clever.
Get a bit of that into you.
Mmm.
When we realized that
you were bunging it on,
well, we did what you said.
What did I say?
We cut the bull in half.
50-50, just like in the Bible.
- What bull?
- Picasso.
Well, Picasso's great-great-grandson.
Makes a darn good steak. Doesn't he?
So this is, um
Uh-huh.
Yeah. No, I didn't mean it literally.
What?
Solomon didn't actually
cut the baby in half.
Well, you could have said.
Well, I was thinking that
maybe you guys could just
have a drink together or something.
It's a 60-year-old blood feud.
Can't wash that away
with a rum and Coke, Rev.
More Picasso?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
- Ha!
- Oh.
You made it.
Well, I told you.
Yeah.
There better be calamari
rings. You did promise this.
Yeah, man of my word.
Yum.
Extra crispy. Yeah.
So good.
Mmm.
♪
So good.
[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
♪
Hey.
Congratulations.
You performed your first miracle today.
Thanks in large part to you.
Mm-hmm.
Do you ever take the dog collar off?
No.
Why would I? It keeps the fleas away.
I mean, are you ever just Mack?
Well, it has been known to happen,
but it usually takes a few drinks.
And you owe me one
too, with an umbrella.
- That's right.
- [CHUCKLES]
♪
Hey, how're you doing?
You know, with your Dad and everything.
I'm fine.
You know, just
Get on with it, and [LAUGHS]
It is what it is.
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
No, actually, it it sucks.
There's no hope of
patching things up now, that's all.
Yeah.
Does suck.
Oh, you talk tough, Officer
Baramah, but I am onto you.
You're a marshmallow inside.
Goodnight, guys.
- Goodnight.
- Hey, Rev.
Thanks for today.
Now, you had me confused.
I thought your job was
to put away criminals.
Daisy's special.
Yeah, she is.
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYS]
Hey, Pipes, that's our song
and I've got an early start.
Come and have a dance
with me before I go.
Come on, Constable Serious.
I'm not a constable, Aiden.
You remember dancing, right?
It goes with the music and fun
♪
[GENTLE MUSIC]
♪
[ORGAN PLAYING]
♪
♪
♪
♪
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
♪
[SINGERS VOCALIZING]
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Paulo, let's go for a swim.
I can't.
Well, I'm gonna teach you.
A little bit deeper.
Okay.
I can't feel the bottom.
Start kicking.
Now, paddle.
[COUGHING]
Dad! Dad, help!
[GASPING]
♪
[GASPS]
You save yourself or you go under.
No one else is looking out for you.
Sink or swim.
[CHEERY VOCAL MUSIC]
♪
[ORGAN PLAYING]
♪
♪
Peter.
- Peter.
- Thank God, you are here.
I'm doing some fine tuning.
I want to be at my very best.
I believe that it's all any of us want.
It's very exciting. What an honor.
The Bishop is coming to Clump next week.
The Bishop?
The Bishop of Brisbane, your boss.
Great.
Yeah. No, that is so exciting.
I can't wait to meet him.
Her. The Bishop is a her.
Great.
And she'll be expecting
a full congregation.
You do realize you're supposed to be
boosting church attendances?
Yeah, Peter, I'm aware of that, okay?
You know, I'm just still getting a feel
for the parish, you know?
Well, you've been feeling
us ever since you got here.
Look, I'm not the only
one to blame here, okay?
God just isn't as
popular as he used to be.
You're blaming God?
He's gotta take some
of the responsibility.
You can't just throw a
man and a woman together.
Add in some fruit and a snake
and say, "Right, off you go."
Please promise me you won't repeat that
in front of the Bishop.
It won't help our cause.
[SCOFFS] We have a cause?
To save our church.
The Bishop is consolidating
all the rural parishes
and selling off any churches
that are not well attended.
Someone would buy this place?
Lester and the local Traders Association
would knock the church
down in a heartbeat
and put up a flipping phone tower.
[STAMMERS] That is just sacrilegious.
I mean, there's gotta be
something you can do, right?
I mean, you're like the godfather
of the church council.
It's the Bishop's call.
If you don't fill the church,
we'll both be out of a job.
Oh, crap.
So apparently, not enough
people are coming on Sundays.
You're kidding.
And the Bishop wants to sell the church.
Nice to see you're finally
taking this seriously, Rev.
Hey, pointing fingers is not helpful.
You're the one who wanted
to be a team, remember?
Fine, but if you don't
get those numbers up,
you could say goodbye
to your fake minister gig
and your chop-chop empire.
There is no empire.
I am simply helping a
local boutique farmer out
with some storage solutions.
And if there is no
storage, there is no payment
and we are both stuck here forever.
I need ideas.
Just go to the Sinclairs.
They're the biggest
family in the district.
How big are we talking?
Huge.
They breed like rabbits.
Yeah. Okay. I can work with rabbits.
All right, let's go.
- I'm busy.
- With what?
You're a teenage delinquent.
Stuff.
I can draw you a map.
See, teamwork makes the dream work.
Be more annoying, I dare you.
Sinnerman ♪
Oh, sinnerman ♪
Sinner ♪
You can't get away ♪
Yeah ♪
♪
[GEAR CRANKS]
[RADIO CHATTER]
[RADIO BEEPING]
Hello.
Crikey.
You scared the Bejesus out of me!
Sorry, man.
Where'd you blow in from?
I just drove over from town.
Ah, you're a septic tank.
What's that?
A Yank.
You know, American.
Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I am.
Name's Mack.
How about yourself?
Oh, they call me Spock
round these parts, mate.
Nice to meet you, Spock.
Hey, listen, I am the
new reverend in town,
and I am just going around
to all my parishioners
and inviting you guys back to church.
What do you say?
Yeah. Nah.
You'd be looking for Mum then.
Okay.
She carked it.
Hm?
Kicked the bucket.
She's passed.
Oh, man.
I am really sorry to hear that.
Ah, well, still keep
her chair here, but
You never know, right?
Might have been abducted.
Yeah. I mean, you never know.
Listen, I'm not gonna take
up any more of your time.
I'll let you get back to it.
Thank you very much.
All right.
Hey, you speak to me Aunt Phyllis?
No.
Up the road. She loves a singalong.
Great. Yeah. I'll check in on her.
Thanks, man.
Hey, I reckon we're in
the same game you and me.
Both, uh,
shouting upstairs, waiting for answers.
Yeah.
- See ya, mate.
- See ya.
♪
All right. [GRUNTS]
- [GUNSHOT]
- [SCREAMS]
[GUN CLICKS]
[YELPS]
- [GUNSHOT]
- Nick off.
I ain't selling.
Mrs. Sinclair?
Is that you?
I'm the new reverend in
town, Reverend Mackenzie.
You can call me Mack if you want.
I'm gonna come up now.
Is this all right? Thank you.
Yeah. Okay. Hi.
Sorry, Rev. Me
eyesight's not that flash.
- Thought you were from the bank.
- Oh, no.
No, no, no, definitely not.
I take it they've been
giving you some trouble, huh?
Nothing I can't handle.
Cup of tea?
Sure.
[MUTTERS] Some kind of welcome.
You know, I had me first tongue kiss
in church youth club. [LAUGHS]
I mean, didn't we all?
All that begetting and
begetting and knowing carnally
used to send our
teenage hormones racing.
Oh, Lordy, it did.
I mean, it is spicy stuff.
Now, look, Phyllis, I would love
to see you back in church on Sundays.
I really would.
I mean, I can't promise
you any tongue kissing,
but if you play your cards right
Our family'd be over the moon.
Well, great. It's settled.
And look, if it's a
matter of distance
Nothing to do with the distance.
It's that old Freddie Duncan,
that servant of Satan.
Wait, are you talking about Freddie,
who just falls asleep
during all my sermons?
I mean, he seems harmless enough.
Mm, don't be fooled.
Look, I'm not a great
believer in the Old Testament,
but if ever there was an
excuse for an eye for an eye,
- it's him.
- Oh.
As long as Freddie Duncan's in church,
no member of the Sinclair
clan'll set foot in there.
That's just how it is.
Uh [CHUCKLES]
Did you say clan?
Oh, yes. All 38 of us.
That's including the
kids, the grandkids,
them born on the wrong
side of the blanket.
- Bless them.
- Oh, yeah. Bless them.
Look, Phyllis, I gotta say
it would be such a shame to
lose all those souls to God.
So here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna have a little
word with Freddie.
I'll say a little prayer for you.
Oh, I can be pretty convincing.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
[ENGINE REVS]
Oh, shit.
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
[ENGINE TURNS OFF]
Hey, Officer.
Long way from home, Rev.
Ah, yeah.
Well, I'm just doing
some community outreach.
You know, taking the word
of God out to the bush.
Any reason why the good Lord's
word has to go at 120 clicks?
Is that how fast I was going? Wow.
I guess my clicks to
miles per hour conversion
still has a ways to go.
Could use a refresher.
Not sure you wanna learn.
Depends on the teacher.
You saved me a visit.
I was gonna swing by today.
Oh, look, if it's about
Peter's organ playing,
I might be able to
arrange a bolt of lightning
or even a plague of locusts.
It's Daisy.
Has she told you?
About what?
Typical. She has a court date this week.
That explains her mood.
She allegedly well,
actually it wasn't allegedly.
I caught Daisy red-handed.
She broke into the dentist and stole
a stash of prescription pills.
Opioids, mainly.
You gotta be kidding me.
I mean, she's too young
to go to jail here, right?
Well, technically she could still do
18 months in juvenile detention,
but she's drawn Magistrate Wilson.
Soft touch.
So she'll probably
get a slap on the wrist
and some community service.
That's good.
Well, I will pray for her.
Well, I was hoping you
might do a bit more.
Daisy needs a character
witness to appear on the day.
You being the local Rev
I I just don't feel right about that.
No, I mean, she and I just met.
Come on, Rev, you see her every day.
You live in the same house.
Yeah. Look, I would love to help.
I really would, but
I just don't feel like
I know her well enough.
Shame.
She obviously thinks
you're the best thing
since deep-fried Mars bars.
Look, don't blame me
for this, all right?
You're the one that arrested her.
♪
- [SIGHS]
- [CLEARS THROAT]
Really?
Speeding.
Ah, yep.
For your broken light.
You can't be serious.
Deadly.
Give me a break.
I'd like to.
I would,
but I really don't know you well enough.
[LAUGHS]
[CAR DOOR CLOSES, ENGINE STARTS]
Okay.
Daisy?
[BANGING ON DOOR]
Daisy.
Hey, Daisy.
What's this I hear
about you going to court?
It's nothing.
No, it's not nothing.
Piper asked me to be a
character witness for you,
so it's definitely something.
You know I can't do that for you, right?
I know.
I need to keep a low profile,
which means I need to steer
clear of cops and courts.
- I can't
- I know.
It's okay.
I'm just having one last bath.
You know, I hear they
only have showers in juvie.
Listen, kid, juvie is not a joke.
Chill.
It's under control.
Listen, I don't wanna hear anything more
about you and pills, okay?
Thanks, Mom.
I'm serious.
[SIGHS] Find any Sinclairs?
Yeah, actually, they're all coming.
Gotta figure out a way to
keep Freddie Duncan at home
on Sundays.
[LAUGHS]
Good luck with that.
Uh, what's so funny?
Hello.
♪
Hey, Lester.
Hey.
Um
what you got there?
[LAUGHS] Sorry, Rev.
It's nothing personal.
I don't know, man.
Laying odds on how I'm gonna
die seems a little personal.
Yeah.
You got nothing to
worry about, have you?
Straight upstairs, VIP ticket.
Ah, well, let's hope you're right.
Gentlemen.
Oh, hey, Freddie.
Just who I am looking for.
Hey. Hey.
Can't bet on yourself,
Rev. It's against the rules.
Bit like insider trading.
Well, don't you worry,
I plan on living a long and happy life.
That's what we all pray for,
Rev, a long and happy life.
Yeah. Speaking of which, Freddie,
is that what brings you
into church every Sunday?
That and the free tea and biscuits.
Right, but I understand it's a
very long way for you to come.
So you know, if you
weren't there every Sunday,
I'm sure you got some credits built up
with the big guy upstairs.
Anyone would think you
didn't want me there, Rev.
Oh, no, no, no.
Anyway, it wouldn't feel right.
After Jesus saved my
life the way he did.
Welcome, Reverend.
Ready?
- Lucy.
- Dinner for two?
No, no, no, no.
I'm not staying.
- Oh, okay.
- I'd like tonight's special.
- Thanks, Lucy.
- Everything I cook is special.
- [LAUGHS]
- Hey.
So Freddie, tell me more.
Jesus saved your life?
Yeah.
Bumped into him on the beach one night
on my way back from the bar.
The Jesus?
- Here in Clump?
- Yeah.
He had a beard and a sarong thing.
- Obviously.
- Yeah.
We had a chat for a while about fishing.
Mm-hmm.
- Carpentry.
- Mm.
But it was the nail holes
that were the giveaway.
Yeah, makes sense.
Then casually as you like, he points
to a freckle on my nose, says,
"You oughta get that looked at."
So I go to Grace. Turns
out, it's a melanoma.
We got it early, all thanks to Jesus.
And Grace.
So the least I can do
is turn up on Sunday.
Yeah, you are a shining
example, Freddie.
I wish more people were like you.
But even so,
if it weren't every Sunday, I mean
I haven't missed a
service in ten years, Rev.
Not about to start now.
Oh, right.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
All right, what's the
deal with that stuff?
- Vegemite?
- Mm-hmm.
It's like our national dish.
You'll get it once
you're a proper local.
Oh. When do you think that'll be?
You'll know.
You find Freddie?
Yep.
Said that he would rather die
than miss church on Sundays.
Maybe talk to Amy.
She might be able to help.
How?
She is Freddie's brother's
auntie's great-granddaughter.
or something like that.
Anyway, she's a Duncan.
Oh.
That makes sense now.
What do you mean?
Stubborn.
♪
All right, let me try it.
Go on.
Mm-mm-mm.
That is
- Good.
- Salty.
But good.
Oh, boy. Definitely not a local yet.
Oh, my God.
Come on, Keith.
Please, you can't quit
now, we're so close.
Close to what?
Bloody starvation?
We need to stick it out.
I need the work.
My family need to eat.
It's the kids.
I'm sorry, Amy.
- [ENGINE STARTS]
- Yeah.
Fine then.
Yeah. Go on then.
Don't worry about your mates!
Rough day?
What are you doing out here?
Hey, look, what can you tell me about
the beef between the
Sinclairs and the Duncans?
Oh, it's stupid.
I try and keep out of it. Why?
Well, I was thinking that
maybe I could broker a peace.
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
Good luck with that.
It's been around since the Jurassic.
Yeah.
About that, what actually happened?
I mean, nobody seems
to be able to tell me.
Well, I mean, it depends who you ask,
but it's something to
do with the prize bull
belonging to the
Sinclairs jumping the fence
and spreading its [CLEARS THROAT]
Love around the Duncan herd.
That's it?
And then add decades of tit for tat.
I honestly don't like your chances.
What do you say to helping me out?
Dude, I've got enough crap going on.
Look, all I'm asking is for you to see
if Freddie will sit down
with Phyllis Sinclair and me.
And if I can get them talking,
then who knows what'll happen?
I mean, please, pretty please.
Just a teensy little favor.
Come on, please.
All right. But it'll cost you a drink.
A proper one with an umbrella.
Yeah. Okay.
- I can do that.
- [CHUCKLES]
I will take you there myself.
You just have to turn up, Daise.
I will.
Officer Baramah.
Hey, I don't suppose you've had
a change of heart about
vouching for Daisy in court?
No, forget it.
I was just hoping
I know I put you on the
spot yesterday, so I
- No need to apologize.
- I'm not.
I'm giving you another
chance to do the right thing.
Daisy's in real trouble
and she could use your help.
Um, what happened to a slap on the wrist
and community service?
They've changed the Magistrate.
The guy she's drawn now, his
nickname is Hangman Hendrik.
Look, I'd love to help.
But like I said,
I just don't feel like
I know her well enough.
The sad thing about that is if the boot
was on the other foot, I reckon
she'd help you in a heartbeat.
But there's nothing in
it for you, it there?
♪
Hey, Dickhead 1.
Hey.
What's up?
Tomorrow.
You said not to worry.
That was before.
There's a new judge and
apparently he's a dick.
Yeah. And?
You are such a great person, Daisy,
even a dick will see that.
You're not being serious, are you?
[SCOFFS]
No.
No way.
There's no way you're going to juvie.
You can walk in there and they'll go,
"She doesn't belong here.
She's great."
And they're gonna say that
you belong here with me
eating fish and chips on the beach.
You know that, Daise.
- Knock, knock.
- [KNOCKS]
Hey, lover boy.
- Oh, I'm not her
- I'm I'm
But just wait just wait just wait.
Tomorrow night, I'll be at
our spot and I'll have flake,
I'll have potato scallops
and I'll get calamari rings.
And it'll be my shout, so
you have to be there, right?
You know, I'd love that, but
I think I'll be eating meatloaf.
Daisy.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
Daisy.
Daisy.
Daise.
I reckon I could be a priest.
A priest. Are you joking?
- What?
- You wouldn't last a week.
Well, I look good in black.
I don't mind working weekends.
You do realize that priests
aren't allowed to shag?
- Fair dinkum?
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It's in the Bible.
Can't even sort themselves out either.
Right.
What about ice cream?
- What about ice cream?
- Can they have ice cream?
Yeah, mate.
Pretty sure priests can have ice cream.
Hey, Frick and Frack,
what's up with all the boxes?
A few more boxes from Ma.
This is more than a few.
Yeah, no, it's more like an Aussie few.
More than a couple, but not heaps.
Yeah, well, in Chicago,
this qualifies as heaps.
I don't have room for all this stuff.
You smuggling in Twinkies now, are you?
Oh, man, I wish.
No, this is, um, altar wine.
We're just keeping it in
the fish boxes for freshness.
You're expecting a crowd.
Well, the church likes to buy in bulk.
Hey, keep putting the
wine into the vestry, boys.
I've convinced Freddie to
meet with you and Phyllis.
- The beach bar, tomorrow morning.
- You're kidding me.
Oh, my God, you are amazing.
The UN should send
you to the Middle East.
You owe me that drink.
Anything you want.
Not that crappy church stuff.
- Absolutely not.
- [LAUGHS]
No, that stuff is terrible. It's
Whew. This is lovely.
And I do I smell it now.
But I gotta tell you, I feel
like everyone's always giving
the positive notes of wine.
I don't think we're
getting the full picture.
Yes, pomegranate,
but also traces of [SNIFFS]
Burnt eyebrow.
And I know what that
smells like, long story.
Maybe we bench a couple more
of these and I'll tell you.
You know, there is a
long and rich tradition
of winemaking among the clergy, Mack?
I really don't care.
I feel like I missed my vocation.
I love this.
Yeah, well, listen man,
I am so glad to hear
that I am also funding your journey
towards self-discovery, but
Our journey, Mack. Our journey.
And honestly, I feel like I'm making
some real progress here.
Blackcurrant
hospital sheets, right?
Buddy, important question.
Do you think it's
time to call Charmaine?
What? No.
[LAUGHS] No, man.
Nah, you cannot call Charmaine.
You have to play hard to get.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Yeah, you know the
saying, "Treat them mean,
keep 'em keen." That's the
it's like Leviticus 17
or something, right?
But don't you think she's
gonna like me more now?
No. No.
Listen to me, Mackenzie,
Charmaine will never love you more
than when she thinks she can't have you.
So promise me something, yeah?
Do not call Charmaine.
Okay. Okay.
I suppose you would know.
Let's try the one with the fancy label.
Listen, the reason I'm calling,
is there anything in the Bible
that talks about solving family feuds?
Old Testament is all
about settling old scores.
You got Cain and Abel.
Those brothers really did a number.
Moses verse the pharaoh,
you know, the water?
- He parted the waters.
- Right.
And then, oh, the classic,
David verse Goliath.
Nobody saw that one coming.
Anything maybe a little
more touchy-feely?
Uh-hmm. Mmm.
Mmm.
This one is a gem. I'm
not spiting this guy out.
Try the Judgement of Solomon, 1 Kings 3.
That's a real crowd pleaser.
Great.
That's it?
Oh, it's the best one.
What's the sticker on this guy?
$1,200.
Hoo-hoo-hoo! I'll take a case.
All right, buddy.
- Let's talk soon.
- [LINE DISCONNECTS]
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
Oh, man.
God.
Hey.
Hey.
What's the book?
Spoiler alert, he dies and comes back.
[SCOFFS]
[SIGHS]
Look, kid, I'm really
sorry about tomorrow.
I am.
It's cool.
Well, when I don't come back,
can you please post that for me?
I'll have to owe you for the stamp.
Your dad's in jail?
That's gotta be tough.
I look after myself.
I mean, who else is there, right?
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Right.
♪
I don't know why we bothered.
Ah, she said she'd be here.
I am sure she'll be here.
Sinclairs'll say anything.
Pack of liars and thieves.
Ah, here they are!
About time.
Still as rude as you ever was.
Well, hey.
We're all here now. We
can get this thing started.
Willful obstruction of a police officer
is a serious offense, Ms. Duncan.
All I did was chain
myself to the gate at work.
We do have a right to strike.
I am not recording a conviction
this time,
but I am fining you $1,500.
I don't have that kind of money.
Then I suggest you go back to work.
[THUNKING]
That's how I see it.
Like a broken record, always
banging on about 19-bloody-62!
- Isn't that right, Ron?
- Too right, dear.
Time to let it go.
When you pay for the heifers
our bull serviced, we will.
Your bull jumped over the fence.
We don't owe you anything.
You cut the damn wire to let it in.
We all know this has
nothing to do with the bull.
It's because your old man
drank the farm into the ground
and our family worked
hard and built something.
You did it with Sinclair semen.
♪
And you discovered the
accused in the dental clinic
in possession of the
prescription medication
and the window had been forced?
It appeared that way,
but it is possible
it had been left open.
Is that really likely?
I mean, the accused had
a very large screwdriver
on her person.
It's hard to say, Your Honor.
I'm upgrading these charges
to trespass and burglary
by breaking and entering.
And in future, Officer Baramah,
I'll thank you to execute
your duties properly
and not leave it up to me.
Yes, Your Honor.
[ALL SPEAKING AT ONCE]
Okay! Enough!
Thank you.
So I think it's fair to say
that both families
are feeling aggrieved.
Am I right?
And that maybe it has
caused us to do some things,
which upon reflection, we might regret.
Hm?
Maybe not.
This reminds me of a
story from the Bible.
We all know about King Solomon, right?
King of Israel, yeah?
Maybe some of you.
Anyway, so one day,
two women came to see the king.
And these two women
lived in the same house
and it just so happened
that they both had babies
on exactly the same day.
Who was the father?
Oh, you Duncan women must
have been asked that a lot
over the years, yeah?
Oh, that's a bit much.
- Rev, that is not cricket.
- Who asked you, Ron?
Right? You're not even a Duncan.
I'm a Duncan because Margie's a Duncan.
Okay. Ron, Ron, Ron.
Ron, I for one I'm very
glad that you're here.
So one of these women tells Solomon
that the other woman's baby died
and she swapped out the kids
in the middle of the night.
So these women, they are fighting.
They are bickering.
They're carrying on.
They're each claiming that
the living kid is theirs.
So the king, he calls a time out,
brings his guard over
and says, "You know what?
We're gonna cut the baby in half."
That's a bit off, Rev.
No, it
so they could share the
baby, half of it for each.
He's calling us baby killers.
So I'm hearing
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
The guard, look, he's raised his sword.
He's about to bring it down
when all of a sudden,
one of the women cries out,
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Please, please let the
other woman have it."
Why?
Well, you see, she was the real mother.
No, I'm still not
realizing the relevance
to our situation.
What about you lot?
This is why no one reads
the Bible these days.
She loved the baby so much that
she would rather give it up
Have you got kids, Rev?
'Cause you know stuff all about family.
Yeah. You see, that's your problem.
That's why you don't get this situation.
What do you reckon all this begetting
and the Bible's all about?
It's telling you who family is,
even if it looks like
they're from outer space.
They're still blood.
They stick up for you
and you stick up for them.
Life's dicey, Rev.
Sink or swim.
If you don't have family,
who's there to stop you from sinking?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
You save yourself or you go under.
No one's looking out for you.
♪
Where are you going?
Gotta stop somebody from drowning.
No one out there.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Seems you have a serious
drug problem, Ms. Black.
No.
No, Your Honor.
So you are selling?
No, Your Honor.
So they are for you or not?
Which one are you?
An addict or a dealer?
I, um I really needed the painkillers
and no one would give them to me.
So I had to take them,
but I'm not a junkie.
[SNICKERS]
Right, so you admit to breaking in
and stealing the pills then?
To be frank, I am sick to death
of young offenders like you
who do not take the law seriously.
Oh, amen.
- Pardon, Reverend?
- Oh, I'm sorry, Your Honor.
Everything you're saying
is like music to my ears.
Your interest is appreciated,
but we are in the middle of a hearing.
Please don't let me interrupt.
I just I really have to say
what a wonderful job you're doing.
Is there anything else
you wish to contribute?
We could swear you in.
Oh, no, no, no. That won't be necessary.
No, I'm just here as a
sign of support to you.
I'm the new local Reverend.
You can call me Mack, if you like.
I met Daisy here when I first arrived
and I have to tell you, I had her pegged
as a troublemaker from the start.
I mean, your instincts,
spot on, Your Honor.
And so bravo, sir, to
you for your firm hand.
Most likely she'll be
going to juvenile detention.
Oh, well, I sure hope
they're better in Australia
than they are in Chicago.
I mean, the juvenile detention centers
there are they're like summer camps.
They do nothing.
You know, what I prefer to do,
you know, just a personal preference,
is to take them under my wing instead.
You know, a little one-on-one attention.
I squeeze them.
I squeeze them like oranges
and I get all that bad juice out
and I fill them with God.
And the Lord disciplines those he loves.
- Proverbs.
- Exactly, Proverbs.
And I think it's obvious
that what a young troubled
person like Daisy really needs
is proper discipline.
You wouldn't consider
taking her under your wing?
No way. Forget about that.
- No. No, no, no.
- No.
I mean, look, under
normal circumstances, sure,
I would love to. I
love a real challenge.
But my calendar is just
so busy at the moment.
I've got Bible studies and
Christian values courses.
And there's the Eucharist
bread baking class
that I teach over at the manse.
But it all to say,
it's a really busy time.
I could write a community service order,
place her under your supervision.
I'm not doing that. No.
Just as you said, it's
exactly what she needs.
You know what, Your Honor?
You're right.
You know, just even thinking
about what I just said,
it sounds so selfish.
It would be the Christian thing to do.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
♪
So you're really stuck with me now.
Ah, don't make me regret it.
Hey.
Thanks.
Yeah.
So you're gonna tell me
what the drugs are for now?
Sure.
Right after you tell me why
you're hiding out in Clump.
Here it is.
Here what is?
Your thank you present.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
[LIGHT CLICKS]
♪
It's a bomb shelter from
the second World War.
Wow. This is unexpected.
Everyone's forgotten it's here,
so I thought that we could put a few
of our chop-chop boxes here.
Yeah, good idea.
But I think you mean my chop-chop boxes.
This definitely makes us partners.
No, it definitely doesn't.
Tell yourself whatever you like, Rev.
[FLAMES WHOOSH]
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Do you wanna spread it, please?
- Yeah.
- Hurry up.
- Yeah. Ooh, yes.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey.
Uh, I must have missed something, huh?
The Sinclair-Duncan
feud is officially over.
[ALL CHEER]
We're all coming to church together.
Freddie's gonna pick me
up on the way through.
You're the wise guy, Rev,
not that Solomon bloke.
No question, we were a bit peed off
when you just left like that.
Your ears must have been burning.
But then we realized
what you were up to.
Oh, yeah?
Bit of that reverse psychology.
Giving us a common enemy. Very clever.
Get a bit of that into you.
Mmm.
When we realized that
you were bunging it on,
well, we did what you said.
What did I say?
We cut the bull in half.
50-50, just like in the Bible.
- What bull?
- Picasso.
Well, Picasso's great-great-grandson.
Makes a darn good steak. Doesn't he?
So this is, um
Uh-huh.
Yeah. No, I didn't mean it literally.
What?
Solomon didn't actually
cut the baby in half.
Well, you could have said.
Well, I was thinking that
maybe you guys could just
have a drink together or something.
It's a 60-year-old blood feud.
Can't wash that away
with a rum and Coke, Rev.
More Picasso?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
- Ha!
- Oh.
You made it.
Well, I told you.
Yeah.
There better be calamari
rings. You did promise this.
Yeah, man of my word.
Yum.
Extra crispy. Yeah.
So good.
Mmm.
♪
So good.
[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
♪
Hey.
Congratulations.
You performed your first miracle today.
Thanks in large part to you.
Mm-hmm.
Do you ever take the dog collar off?
No.
Why would I? It keeps the fleas away.
I mean, are you ever just Mack?
Well, it has been known to happen,
but it usually takes a few drinks.
And you owe me one
too, with an umbrella.
- That's right.
- [CHUCKLES]
♪
Hey, how're you doing?
You know, with your Dad and everything.
I'm fine.
You know, just
Get on with it, and [LAUGHS]
It is what it is.
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
No, actually, it it sucks.
There's no hope of
patching things up now, that's all.
Yeah.
Does suck.
Oh, you talk tough, Officer
Baramah, but I am onto you.
You're a marshmallow inside.
Goodnight, guys.
- Goodnight.
- Hey, Rev.
Thanks for today.
Now, you had me confused.
I thought your job was
to put away criminals.
Daisy's special.
Yeah, she is.
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYS]
Hey, Pipes, that's our song
and I've got an early start.
Come and have a dance
with me before I go.
Come on, Constable Serious.
I'm not a constable, Aiden.
You remember dancing, right?
It goes with the music and fun
♪
[GENTLE MUSIC]
♪
[ORGAN PLAYING]
♪
♪
♪
♪
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
♪
[SINGERS VOCALIZING]