It's a Date (2013) s01e04 Episode Script
Do Opposites Attract?
1 Oh! Sorry! Never buy anything off eBay.
Just, I'll just take this over here.
Sorry.
Shit! Excuse me, excuse me! Oh! Bloody hell! Sorry.
You dropped this.
Sorry.
Oh, oh, thank you! It's my Pandora! Nan gave it to me before I moved to the city.
I'd be devo if I lost this, thanks.
- Where did you meet her again? - I told you, Boot Camp.
I don't want some hard-bodied airhead.
Oh, thanks.
I do Boot Camp.
What does she do? She does Boot Camp! - You're both so similar you could be twins.
- Ew! Come on, I've done 90% of the work for you.
I've found out she's really nice.
Mmm.
And, she's a leso.
Yeah, I dunno.
And she's got tats.
What kind of tats? Yeah, let me explain how a date works, OK? You call a person, agree on a place to meet, sit down, eat, drink, interact.
And by going through this process, you find out all these answers for yourself.
Eh.
Then the next day, after she's left, you call, and tell me every gruesome detail.
You know what? I'm kinda flat out.
OK, busy bee, I'll cut you a deal.
I'll give you her number, you call her, no squats.
No squats? Diddly squats.
Ooh! Sorry! It's alright.
Sorry! You take this.
Oh! - I'll take this.
Oh, thank you! - It's alright.
Oh, you're a legend, thanks! Where do you think you're gonna put that, fella? That looks like two seats to me.
That'll be two tickets.
Oh, um, that's my massage table.
Rightio.
Just don't knock anyone over with it.
Um, hang on.
Um, how come I didn't have to buy an extra ticket? You know, for my massage table.
You were gonna charge him double.
Just take a seat, love.
You had one rule for him and another rule for me.
I'm sorry, but Seriously, just sit down, you don't need to be a martyr.
It's like that black lady in America, who had all the trouble on the bus.
They wouldn't give her a seat and she didn't even have a massage table.
Lady, if you don't sit down you're gonna have to get off my bus.
Oh, I don't think I want to be on your bus.
I don't think I like where this bus is going.
Can I get you a drink while you wait? There's a mulled wine, a biodynamic shiraz? Biodynamic! Sounds dynamic.
Yes.
Yes, please, the shiraz.
Excellent.
I'll bring out some tempeh sticks for you to munch.
Thanks, thanks.
Hi! I'm Eve.
First woman on Earth, last woman to lunch.
Well, I'm Zara.
Like, the clothes shop.
The what shop? The clothes shop, you know, the Spanish chain? Zara, it's massive.
No, don't know that one.
Well, i-it's called Zara.
Sorry I'm late.
Two wheels good, one wheel bad.
That's fine.
I was just just checking in on Facebook.
I couldn't find your page though.
I mean, not that I'm stalking you or anything.
No, I don't do Facebook.
I like my friends to be people I've actually met.
Me and my big mouth.
Mum always says I've got more front than Myers.
I only live a few blocks away.
I was being pretty lazy, catching the bus in the first place.
Do you have someone you can call? Nah.
Country girl.
It's alright.
I'll figure something out.
And 10% of the bill goes to Greenpeace.
Great, I can pig out and make a difference.
And I promise not to tell Mel.
She'll make me work it off in Boot Camp.
You will not give up until your eyeballs pop out from exertion! Sorry? We have ways of making you exercise! I'm sorry.
I don't know why you're using that voice.
Oh, I was just I was just doing a German accent because Mel's a bit of an exercise Nazi.
That's vivid imagery.
Now, the quinoa salad's good.
It's got beetroot.
It's very kind of you, Ashraf.
I won't stay long.
I'll just call a taxi.
Relax.
Now that I know you've got an empty apartment to go back to, I insist.
You're joining me for dinner.
Like a date? Yeah, sure, why not? Are you sure it's OK? 'Whoever does an atom's worth of good will see it.
' It's from the Qur'an.
Oh, that's like the Jewish bible, isn't it? Muslim.
I'm a Sri Lankan Muslim.
Oh! I always get so confused with the religions.
Never know whether people are talking about Arthur, or Martha or Buddha.
Gotta watch those Martha followers.
They're the worst.
I used to read those Choose Your Own Adventure books, when I was a kid.
I was just thinking, wouldn't it be great if there was like a Choose Your Own Adventure bible? So, you know, everyone just read from the same book.
So like, if you're Catholic, turn to page 6, if you're Muslim, turn to page 45.
If you're Jehovah's Witness Turn left at the next driveway.
That's it! I think it's a great idea, don't you? Might need some time to think about that.
I like what you said about an atom's worth of goodness.
I like sayings.
My mum always says, 'Drink upstream from the herd.
' Were you in court today? Sorry? Did you have court? I'm sorry.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Court? Yeah, court.
Mel told me you were a barrister.
What? No, no, no.
I'm not a barrister.
I'm a barista.
Oh, that's really embarrassing, I'm so sorry.
I didn't have to go to university for quite as long.
You know, um, I'm not sorry that you're not a barrister.
I don't have a lawyer fetish.
But you can always count on me for a cup of coffee.
Not so useful in criminal matters or civil disputes.
Oh, well, that's great.
I go through about 12 lattes on the night shift.
That's right.
Mel told me you're a nurse.
Well, no, I'm a purse! Sorry! Oh! So, what's the most annoying, boring, tedious thing that everyone must do, every year? Taxes! Everyone hates taxes.
Turns people into these massive stress heads.
What's the best thing for stress? Tax evasion.
Massage! So, I come round to your house, give you a massage and then my BFF from back home, Kylie, does your taxes.
It's genius! I've had a flyer designed and everything, see? 'Tax and Bax.
' Rhymes! I know! I mean, we had to spell 'backs' wrong, but I reckon it's worth it.
It's cooler.
Actually, I'm gonna have to get that one back off you, 'cause we only got one printed.
So what do you do with yourself, Ashraf? I work in IT.
You work in computers? Really? I think you're the first person that's ever been surprised I work with computers.
Why's that? No reason.
No, it's pretty exciting actually.
I'm working on something right now that could be well, pretty big.
You're really smart, aren't you? I can tell.
We gotta go.
My mum's getting really anxious.
Last week, my brother-in-law, Saabir, came home late and my mum put a fatwa on him.
I'm kidding.
I know! What's a fatwa? I hope you didn't mind me ordering for us, but one of us had to make a decision.
That's fine.
You seem to know what you're doing.
You don't have any allergies, do you? No, nothing food-wise, just penicillin.
And penis.
Hmm.
It's just that my ex-girlfriend had a very serious peanut allergy.
Oh, really? Yeah, she nearly died in Hobart, accidently eating satay.
I have a friend who nearly died in Hobart.
From boredom! It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life.
Sorry.
You know, I'm sorry.
I sometimes say silly and inappropriate things when I'm nervous.
So how long were you together? Three-and-a-half years.
So, what does your romantic resume look like? Ooh, I'm thinking that the interviewer might want to know why I've jumped from job to job so often.
Hmm? How often? Well, I made it to a month, once.
So no-one special enough to take home to Mum and Dad? No, not since Mark Brennan in year 11.
He was my deb partner.
Right.
Well, that's insightful.
What's she saying? Oh, she says, 'Welcome.
' Well, that seemed like a lot of words.
I'm Ashraf's father, Anishka.
G'day, I'm Jessica.
Hello.
My friends call me Jess.
Ah! And this is my mum, Babi.
Babi! Like baby, waa, waa! This is my sister, Mala, and her husband Saabir.
Hi.
Sorry, Mama! Not there, not there, take it to your room! Raaida, we have company.
Holy moly, who are you? I-I'm Jess.
Your brother rescued me at the bus stop.
So, ah, they've never met any of your girlfriends? God, no.
They don't even know I've got a tat.
Are you for real? To be honest, I just thought they'd spot it at Christmas time.
Not the tat, your sexuality! Well, that is a lot harder to spot at Christmas.
Have you eaten Sri Lankan food before, Jess? Nah, I wouldn't think so.
Back home, we've only got one Chinese restaurant and Flakey's fish and chips.
So, we used to go to Flakey's to get our chips then go across the road to get our dimmies from the Golden Triangle.
So, you've never had halal before, Jess? Oh, I think so.
I think Mum used to serve it with carrot sticks and Jatz.
I think you're thinking of hummus.
Oh! Yeah, sorry.
No, it's alright.
So, which dish is halal? Raaida! Halal is the manner in which the animal is slaughtered.
We believe it's the most humane way.
It's a religious custom.
Oh! My cousin, Tina, stopped eating meat for three months last year because she read somewhere that before they send the bulls to the abattoirs they cut off their balls and send them to China.
You're not out.
I'm out.
I'm out to the people I want to be out to.
Which doesn't include your family.
It's just never really come up.
You're living a lie! I'm not living a lie, I just don't see the point of shouting it from the rooftops.
You could just tell them you're gay, using your normal voice.
Can we talk about something else? OK, what if some day you happen to find yourself in a long-term relationship? Say, two months.
And this woman wants to put a ring on it.
Get married? Well, that's just ridiculous.
It's not ridiculous.
It's happening all over the world! I just don't think it's worth the fuss.
And you're gonna have something to say about that, aren't you? So, a desert island.
You are the only living human, and there's nothing to eat.
No fish in the ocean? Nup.
All got wiped out in a nuclear blast.
Birds? They got fried too.
How did Ashraf survive this nuclear attack? He was wearing a special suit and he hid in the bushes.
Yeah, of course.
So one morning, you crawl out of your bushes, and you're so hungry you're gonna die.
And then off in the distance, you see a wild pig, and you have just enough strength to kill it, humanely, of course.
What do you do? Ashraf? All the cockroaches are dead? Burnt to a crisp.
I think in that situation, we could probably eat the pig.
Ah, I got you! I think we can bank on that situation never happening.
A fuss.
You think gay marriage is a fuss.
Oh, God.
You're anti-gay marriage! I'm not anti, I'm bewildered.
Bewildered.
Can you stop repeating everything I say? It makes you appear slow.
I'm sorry, I'm just finding it difficult to process the sheer - how shall I put this? - fuckedness of your misguided views.
Steady on.
Oh, I'm steady.
I am rock steady! OK, Gwen Stefani, the divorce rate in this country is 50%! 50%! So? If I was going to buy a car, if I was going to scrimp and save and buy my dream car, something European.
Of course.
I would hope that it would work more than half of the time.
You're not allowed to buy a car.
In fact, you're not even invited into the dealership! I-I don't want to buy a car that's not going to get me from A to B.
Gay marriage is our point B! It's not my point B.
No, that's right, your point B is a shopping mall! OK, OK.
Because you've totally got me worked out, haven't you? You've got me pegged.
Well, if it looks like a duck and it sounds like a duck.
I'm gonna kill Mel.
You're a parody.
I'm a parody.
All refugees are saints.
Tony Abbott is the devil in speedos.
What are you talking about? Five-speed pushbike.
At least it's not a gas guzzler.
Food co-op.
What, not enough brands for you? Fair trade coffee? Q&A.
What's wrong with Q&A? Oh, there's nothing wrong with Q&A.
It's gospel hour! In fact, Tony Jones is probably the only man you would ever consider sleeping with! Um, I might give you girls a minute or two.
Actually, I haven't watched QA in quite a while.
Let me guess, no TV.
That is just perfect.
I own a TV! Oh, is it powered by your bicycle? I like watching The Voice! The Voice? As in, Seal? Well, I'm more Team Delta, but yes.
In fact, I'd like to be a contestant on The Voice.
Do we have to watch Kandi Boys now? Oh, look who's too good for Kandi Boys all of a sudden.
What's Kandi Boys? It's Dad's favourite TV show.
Saabir gets it from the market - illegally, of course.
But I think Ashraf would rather be watching Bondi Rescue instead.
Maybe we shouldn't watch it right now.
It's taking so long to set up.
That's because we have a banker setting up the computer while Bill Gates over there plays doctors and nurses.
What? This one is always scheming.
I've said it to him since he was a little boy, 'If you have your head in the clouds, you'll die with your feet in the mud.
' Mum, what does that even mean? I dunno.
That computer program Ashraf's invented sounds pretty impressive.
Impressive.
Save your breath, Jessica.
They're not interested.
Oh, course they are.
OK, Kandi Boys is good to go! Get up.
Ashraf.
Don't you wanna hear about Ashraf's program? Shh! It's lame.
Zara, I can't do this.
I don't wanna do this.
How will you stand on stage in front of Seal, Delta, Joel and two million home viewers if you can't sing here? In the girls' dunnies with just me listening.
Yeah, I'm listening too.
Ah, but I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
I know, it's a pretty silly program.
Oh, I'm sure I'd find it pretty funny if I actually understood it.
My family sit around like this every Saturday and watch Australia's Funniest Home Videos.
That's my favourite show! Really? Yeah! Nothing's funnier than watching people getting seriously injured to funny sound effects.
Eve? Yeah? Are you sitting down? Yeah.
Stand up.
I remember Delta saying something about your diaphragm.
It's important.
Got myself into some trouble tonight Guess I'm feeling blue It's been so long since I've seen your face This distance between me and you I burn for you What am I gonna do Burn for you Burn for you.
What's happening? It's crackling.
Saabir, do something! I don't know what's happening.
With my computer program, this wouldn't even be a problem.
Really? Yeah.
Did you hear that, everyone? Ashraf can fix the problem.
No, no.
Th-that's not what I meant.
I-I didn't mean that.
Is this true, Ashraf? You can fix Kandi Boys? Why didn't you say this is what that program of yours does? Here, fix it.
I didn't mean I can fix it now! Ah, you said you could fix it.
Why did you say you could fix it if you cannot fix it? Come on, boy.
OK, I've designed a computer program, alright, that will stop DVD piracy.
And Universal Pictures want to buy if off me for a lot of money! Oh, OK.
You surprised me.
I surprised me too.
I'm sorry about before.
Which bit? Um, all of it.
My son, Ashraf.
How could you do this to your father? How will he watch Kandi Boys now? What about Uncle Sanjeev, huh? He sells these DVDs at the market every Saturday.
We will be outcasts! Yeah, who's gonna give us our free DVDs now? I've DVDs from Bali.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
Congratulations, Ashraf.
Congratulations on being really good at your job.
Yeah, well done on finding a new way to stop the funding of terror groups.
What? Um, terror groups? What are you talking about? Oh, you didn't know.
You didn't know that terror groups from China to Afghanistan use the profits from black market DVDs to fund their operations.
But us watching Uncle Sanjeev's Kandi Boys? We've all funded terrorism, tonight.
Yeah, we're terrorists.
Osama's under the table! Hello! Does anyone know the number for a taxi? Well, who would've thought.
Mel.
I should really make a move.
Oh, thought you just did! No, I should I should go.
Ah, you can come to mine.
You are great.
You're great too.
Thank you.
I just think we are completely different kinds of great.
This place is freaking me out! Oh, God, I know.
I just need to do a wee or I'm going to piss myself.
I think this place is for hippies and shit.
I know but just let me do this and we'll go to Subway, OK? Believe it or not, Zara, some things are worth the fuss.
So I don't think they want you to date an Australian girl.
It's just a little vibe I picked up.
You picked that up, did ya? Yeah, my mum still wants me to marry a Sri Lankan girl from the village she grew up in, called Panadura.
Yeah, I went there last year and it's not the small little village my mum was in 35 years ago.
You know, like, the hockey field is now a car park, the dance hall is a brothel.
It's like it's like a migrant thing, you know? The homeland changes but their memory of it never does? I'm the first of my family to leave Shepparton.
They had my neighbour's son, Glen, all picked out for me, until Glen's Dad, Ross, went to check the milking shed and found Glen giving a BJ to the vice-captain of the Shep first 11.
Ross went mental.
Poor cows, with their udders about to explode.
Cousin's here.
Is your cousin the cab driver? Wow.
You really are the least racist person I've ever met.
Aw, thanks.
Goodbye, Jessica.
Bye, Ashraf.
It was nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you! Do you need a hand with that stuff? Nah, I'm right.
See ya! See ya.
I just thought, um, if you ever want a massage and get your tax done, or if, you know, you want a coffee or something to eat, I know a pretty good fish and chips shop in Shepparton.
I'm pretty sure the chips are halal.
My phone number's on the flyer! Hello? Hey, mum, it's Zars.
Hey, Zars, I've been trying to call you.
Where are you? I'm out.
Burn for you What am I going to do? Oh, I burn for you! Amanda, would you like to go out with me sometime? Today, 1pm, at the food court? Is she gonna be weird like the last one? Karen, she took me to a swingers party.
I think I did something stupid.
Did you make a sex tape? One guy who literally walked the whole thing on one leg.
Oh, my God, that's hilarious! Ding, dong, ding, dong, ding, dong.
Why would you do it on one leg? It's a, amputee thing, a lot of them Oh, my God, sorry! It's all a bit too soon, isn't it?
Just, I'll just take this over here.
Sorry.
Shit! Excuse me, excuse me! Oh! Bloody hell! Sorry.
You dropped this.
Sorry.
Oh, oh, thank you! It's my Pandora! Nan gave it to me before I moved to the city.
I'd be devo if I lost this, thanks.
- Where did you meet her again? - I told you, Boot Camp.
I don't want some hard-bodied airhead.
Oh, thanks.
I do Boot Camp.
What does she do? She does Boot Camp! - You're both so similar you could be twins.
- Ew! Come on, I've done 90% of the work for you.
I've found out she's really nice.
Mmm.
And, she's a leso.
Yeah, I dunno.
And she's got tats.
What kind of tats? Yeah, let me explain how a date works, OK? You call a person, agree on a place to meet, sit down, eat, drink, interact.
And by going through this process, you find out all these answers for yourself.
Eh.
Then the next day, after she's left, you call, and tell me every gruesome detail.
You know what? I'm kinda flat out.
OK, busy bee, I'll cut you a deal.
I'll give you her number, you call her, no squats.
No squats? Diddly squats.
Ooh! Sorry! It's alright.
Sorry! You take this.
Oh! - I'll take this.
Oh, thank you! - It's alright.
Oh, you're a legend, thanks! Where do you think you're gonna put that, fella? That looks like two seats to me.
That'll be two tickets.
Oh, um, that's my massage table.
Rightio.
Just don't knock anyone over with it.
Um, hang on.
Um, how come I didn't have to buy an extra ticket? You know, for my massage table.
You were gonna charge him double.
Just take a seat, love.
You had one rule for him and another rule for me.
I'm sorry, but Seriously, just sit down, you don't need to be a martyr.
It's like that black lady in America, who had all the trouble on the bus.
They wouldn't give her a seat and she didn't even have a massage table.
Lady, if you don't sit down you're gonna have to get off my bus.
Oh, I don't think I want to be on your bus.
I don't think I like where this bus is going.
Can I get you a drink while you wait? There's a mulled wine, a biodynamic shiraz? Biodynamic! Sounds dynamic.
Yes.
Yes, please, the shiraz.
Excellent.
I'll bring out some tempeh sticks for you to munch.
Thanks, thanks.
Hi! I'm Eve.
First woman on Earth, last woman to lunch.
Well, I'm Zara.
Like, the clothes shop.
The what shop? The clothes shop, you know, the Spanish chain? Zara, it's massive.
No, don't know that one.
Well, i-it's called Zara.
Sorry I'm late.
Two wheels good, one wheel bad.
That's fine.
I was just just checking in on Facebook.
I couldn't find your page though.
I mean, not that I'm stalking you or anything.
No, I don't do Facebook.
I like my friends to be people I've actually met.
Me and my big mouth.
Mum always says I've got more front than Myers.
I only live a few blocks away.
I was being pretty lazy, catching the bus in the first place.
Do you have someone you can call? Nah.
Country girl.
It's alright.
I'll figure something out.
And 10% of the bill goes to Greenpeace.
Great, I can pig out and make a difference.
And I promise not to tell Mel.
She'll make me work it off in Boot Camp.
You will not give up until your eyeballs pop out from exertion! Sorry? We have ways of making you exercise! I'm sorry.
I don't know why you're using that voice.
Oh, I was just I was just doing a German accent because Mel's a bit of an exercise Nazi.
That's vivid imagery.
Now, the quinoa salad's good.
It's got beetroot.
It's very kind of you, Ashraf.
I won't stay long.
I'll just call a taxi.
Relax.
Now that I know you've got an empty apartment to go back to, I insist.
You're joining me for dinner.
Like a date? Yeah, sure, why not? Are you sure it's OK? 'Whoever does an atom's worth of good will see it.
' It's from the Qur'an.
Oh, that's like the Jewish bible, isn't it? Muslim.
I'm a Sri Lankan Muslim.
Oh! I always get so confused with the religions.
Never know whether people are talking about Arthur, or Martha or Buddha.
Gotta watch those Martha followers.
They're the worst.
I used to read those Choose Your Own Adventure books, when I was a kid.
I was just thinking, wouldn't it be great if there was like a Choose Your Own Adventure bible? So, you know, everyone just read from the same book.
So like, if you're Catholic, turn to page 6, if you're Muslim, turn to page 45.
If you're Jehovah's Witness Turn left at the next driveway.
That's it! I think it's a great idea, don't you? Might need some time to think about that.
I like what you said about an atom's worth of goodness.
I like sayings.
My mum always says, 'Drink upstream from the herd.
' Were you in court today? Sorry? Did you have court? I'm sorry.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Court? Yeah, court.
Mel told me you were a barrister.
What? No, no, no.
I'm not a barrister.
I'm a barista.
Oh, that's really embarrassing, I'm so sorry.
I didn't have to go to university for quite as long.
You know, um, I'm not sorry that you're not a barrister.
I don't have a lawyer fetish.
But you can always count on me for a cup of coffee.
Not so useful in criminal matters or civil disputes.
Oh, well, that's great.
I go through about 12 lattes on the night shift.
That's right.
Mel told me you're a nurse.
Well, no, I'm a purse! Sorry! Oh! So, what's the most annoying, boring, tedious thing that everyone must do, every year? Taxes! Everyone hates taxes.
Turns people into these massive stress heads.
What's the best thing for stress? Tax evasion.
Massage! So, I come round to your house, give you a massage and then my BFF from back home, Kylie, does your taxes.
It's genius! I've had a flyer designed and everything, see? 'Tax and Bax.
' Rhymes! I know! I mean, we had to spell 'backs' wrong, but I reckon it's worth it.
It's cooler.
Actually, I'm gonna have to get that one back off you, 'cause we only got one printed.
So what do you do with yourself, Ashraf? I work in IT.
You work in computers? Really? I think you're the first person that's ever been surprised I work with computers.
Why's that? No reason.
No, it's pretty exciting actually.
I'm working on something right now that could be well, pretty big.
You're really smart, aren't you? I can tell.
We gotta go.
My mum's getting really anxious.
Last week, my brother-in-law, Saabir, came home late and my mum put a fatwa on him.
I'm kidding.
I know! What's a fatwa? I hope you didn't mind me ordering for us, but one of us had to make a decision.
That's fine.
You seem to know what you're doing.
You don't have any allergies, do you? No, nothing food-wise, just penicillin.
And penis.
Hmm.
It's just that my ex-girlfriend had a very serious peanut allergy.
Oh, really? Yeah, she nearly died in Hobart, accidently eating satay.
I have a friend who nearly died in Hobart.
From boredom! It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life.
Sorry.
You know, I'm sorry.
I sometimes say silly and inappropriate things when I'm nervous.
So how long were you together? Three-and-a-half years.
So, what does your romantic resume look like? Ooh, I'm thinking that the interviewer might want to know why I've jumped from job to job so often.
Hmm? How often? Well, I made it to a month, once.
So no-one special enough to take home to Mum and Dad? No, not since Mark Brennan in year 11.
He was my deb partner.
Right.
Well, that's insightful.
What's she saying? Oh, she says, 'Welcome.
' Well, that seemed like a lot of words.
I'm Ashraf's father, Anishka.
G'day, I'm Jessica.
Hello.
My friends call me Jess.
Ah! And this is my mum, Babi.
Babi! Like baby, waa, waa! This is my sister, Mala, and her husband Saabir.
Hi.
Sorry, Mama! Not there, not there, take it to your room! Raaida, we have company.
Holy moly, who are you? I-I'm Jess.
Your brother rescued me at the bus stop.
So, ah, they've never met any of your girlfriends? God, no.
They don't even know I've got a tat.
Are you for real? To be honest, I just thought they'd spot it at Christmas time.
Not the tat, your sexuality! Well, that is a lot harder to spot at Christmas.
Have you eaten Sri Lankan food before, Jess? Nah, I wouldn't think so.
Back home, we've only got one Chinese restaurant and Flakey's fish and chips.
So, we used to go to Flakey's to get our chips then go across the road to get our dimmies from the Golden Triangle.
So, you've never had halal before, Jess? Oh, I think so.
I think Mum used to serve it with carrot sticks and Jatz.
I think you're thinking of hummus.
Oh! Yeah, sorry.
No, it's alright.
So, which dish is halal? Raaida! Halal is the manner in which the animal is slaughtered.
We believe it's the most humane way.
It's a religious custom.
Oh! My cousin, Tina, stopped eating meat for three months last year because she read somewhere that before they send the bulls to the abattoirs they cut off their balls and send them to China.
You're not out.
I'm out.
I'm out to the people I want to be out to.
Which doesn't include your family.
It's just never really come up.
You're living a lie! I'm not living a lie, I just don't see the point of shouting it from the rooftops.
You could just tell them you're gay, using your normal voice.
Can we talk about something else? OK, what if some day you happen to find yourself in a long-term relationship? Say, two months.
And this woman wants to put a ring on it.
Get married? Well, that's just ridiculous.
It's not ridiculous.
It's happening all over the world! I just don't think it's worth the fuss.
And you're gonna have something to say about that, aren't you? So, a desert island.
You are the only living human, and there's nothing to eat.
No fish in the ocean? Nup.
All got wiped out in a nuclear blast.
Birds? They got fried too.
How did Ashraf survive this nuclear attack? He was wearing a special suit and he hid in the bushes.
Yeah, of course.
So one morning, you crawl out of your bushes, and you're so hungry you're gonna die.
And then off in the distance, you see a wild pig, and you have just enough strength to kill it, humanely, of course.
What do you do? Ashraf? All the cockroaches are dead? Burnt to a crisp.
I think in that situation, we could probably eat the pig.
Ah, I got you! I think we can bank on that situation never happening.
A fuss.
You think gay marriage is a fuss.
Oh, God.
You're anti-gay marriage! I'm not anti, I'm bewildered.
Bewildered.
Can you stop repeating everything I say? It makes you appear slow.
I'm sorry, I'm just finding it difficult to process the sheer - how shall I put this? - fuckedness of your misguided views.
Steady on.
Oh, I'm steady.
I am rock steady! OK, Gwen Stefani, the divorce rate in this country is 50%! 50%! So? If I was going to buy a car, if I was going to scrimp and save and buy my dream car, something European.
Of course.
I would hope that it would work more than half of the time.
You're not allowed to buy a car.
In fact, you're not even invited into the dealership! I-I don't want to buy a car that's not going to get me from A to B.
Gay marriage is our point B! It's not my point B.
No, that's right, your point B is a shopping mall! OK, OK.
Because you've totally got me worked out, haven't you? You've got me pegged.
Well, if it looks like a duck and it sounds like a duck.
I'm gonna kill Mel.
You're a parody.
I'm a parody.
All refugees are saints.
Tony Abbott is the devil in speedos.
What are you talking about? Five-speed pushbike.
At least it's not a gas guzzler.
Food co-op.
What, not enough brands for you? Fair trade coffee? Q&A.
What's wrong with Q&A? Oh, there's nothing wrong with Q&A.
It's gospel hour! In fact, Tony Jones is probably the only man you would ever consider sleeping with! Um, I might give you girls a minute or two.
Actually, I haven't watched QA in quite a while.
Let me guess, no TV.
That is just perfect.
I own a TV! Oh, is it powered by your bicycle? I like watching The Voice! The Voice? As in, Seal? Well, I'm more Team Delta, but yes.
In fact, I'd like to be a contestant on The Voice.
Do we have to watch Kandi Boys now? Oh, look who's too good for Kandi Boys all of a sudden.
What's Kandi Boys? It's Dad's favourite TV show.
Saabir gets it from the market - illegally, of course.
But I think Ashraf would rather be watching Bondi Rescue instead.
Maybe we shouldn't watch it right now.
It's taking so long to set up.
That's because we have a banker setting up the computer while Bill Gates over there plays doctors and nurses.
What? This one is always scheming.
I've said it to him since he was a little boy, 'If you have your head in the clouds, you'll die with your feet in the mud.
' Mum, what does that even mean? I dunno.
That computer program Ashraf's invented sounds pretty impressive.
Impressive.
Save your breath, Jessica.
They're not interested.
Oh, course they are.
OK, Kandi Boys is good to go! Get up.
Ashraf.
Don't you wanna hear about Ashraf's program? Shh! It's lame.
Zara, I can't do this.
I don't wanna do this.
How will you stand on stage in front of Seal, Delta, Joel and two million home viewers if you can't sing here? In the girls' dunnies with just me listening.
Yeah, I'm listening too.
Ah, but I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
I know, it's a pretty silly program.
Oh, I'm sure I'd find it pretty funny if I actually understood it.
My family sit around like this every Saturday and watch Australia's Funniest Home Videos.
That's my favourite show! Really? Yeah! Nothing's funnier than watching people getting seriously injured to funny sound effects.
Eve? Yeah? Are you sitting down? Yeah.
Stand up.
I remember Delta saying something about your diaphragm.
It's important.
Got myself into some trouble tonight Guess I'm feeling blue It's been so long since I've seen your face This distance between me and you I burn for you What am I gonna do Burn for you Burn for you.
What's happening? It's crackling.
Saabir, do something! I don't know what's happening.
With my computer program, this wouldn't even be a problem.
Really? Yeah.
Did you hear that, everyone? Ashraf can fix the problem.
No, no.
Th-that's not what I meant.
I-I didn't mean that.
Is this true, Ashraf? You can fix Kandi Boys? Why didn't you say this is what that program of yours does? Here, fix it.
I didn't mean I can fix it now! Ah, you said you could fix it.
Why did you say you could fix it if you cannot fix it? Come on, boy.
OK, I've designed a computer program, alright, that will stop DVD piracy.
And Universal Pictures want to buy if off me for a lot of money! Oh, OK.
You surprised me.
I surprised me too.
I'm sorry about before.
Which bit? Um, all of it.
My son, Ashraf.
How could you do this to your father? How will he watch Kandi Boys now? What about Uncle Sanjeev, huh? He sells these DVDs at the market every Saturday.
We will be outcasts! Yeah, who's gonna give us our free DVDs now? I've DVDs from Bali.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
Congratulations, Ashraf.
Congratulations on being really good at your job.
Yeah, well done on finding a new way to stop the funding of terror groups.
What? Um, terror groups? What are you talking about? Oh, you didn't know.
You didn't know that terror groups from China to Afghanistan use the profits from black market DVDs to fund their operations.
But us watching Uncle Sanjeev's Kandi Boys? We've all funded terrorism, tonight.
Yeah, we're terrorists.
Osama's under the table! Hello! Does anyone know the number for a taxi? Well, who would've thought.
Mel.
I should really make a move.
Oh, thought you just did! No, I should I should go.
Ah, you can come to mine.
You are great.
You're great too.
Thank you.
I just think we are completely different kinds of great.
This place is freaking me out! Oh, God, I know.
I just need to do a wee or I'm going to piss myself.
I think this place is for hippies and shit.
I know but just let me do this and we'll go to Subway, OK? Believe it or not, Zara, some things are worth the fuss.
So I don't think they want you to date an Australian girl.
It's just a little vibe I picked up.
You picked that up, did ya? Yeah, my mum still wants me to marry a Sri Lankan girl from the village she grew up in, called Panadura.
Yeah, I went there last year and it's not the small little village my mum was in 35 years ago.
You know, like, the hockey field is now a car park, the dance hall is a brothel.
It's like it's like a migrant thing, you know? The homeland changes but their memory of it never does? I'm the first of my family to leave Shepparton.
They had my neighbour's son, Glen, all picked out for me, until Glen's Dad, Ross, went to check the milking shed and found Glen giving a BJ to the vice-captain of the Shep first 11.
Ross went mental.
Poor cows, with their udders about to explode.
Cousin's here.
Is your cousin the cab driver? Wow.
You really are the least racist person I've ever met.
Aw, thanks.
Goodbye, Jessica.
Bye, Ashraf.
It was nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you! Do you need a hand with that stuff? Nah, I'm right.
See ya! See ya.
I just thought, um, if you ever want a massage and get your tax done, or if, you know, you want a coffee or something to eat, I know a pretty good fish and chips shop in Shepparton.
I'm pretty sure the chips are halal.
My phone number's on the flyer! Hello? Hey, mum, it's Zars.
Hey, Zars, I've been trying to call you.
Where are you? I'm out.
Burn for you What am I going to do? Oh, I burn for you! Amanda, would you like to go out with me sometime? Today, 1pm, at the food court? Is she gonna be weird like the last one? Karen, she took me to a swingers party.
I think I did something stupid.
Did you make a sex tape? One guy who literally walked the whole thing on one leg.
Oh, my God, that's hilarious! Ding, dong, ding, dong, ding, dong.
Why would you do it on one leg? It's a, amputee thing, a lot of them Oh, my God, sorry! It's all a bit too soon, isn't it?