It's A Funny Old Week (2015) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
(APPLAUSE)
Hello. Good evening, I'm Jason
Manford. Welcome to It's A Funny Old
Week, where I look back at the
lighter side of the news from the
week.
Princess Charlotte was christened
yesterday. But it was Prince George
that caught my eye. Natalie Lawrence
ordered a silicon doll and spent
months painting on George's face,
and sewing on his golden locks with
angora
goat hair. Look at those creepy
vacant eyes.
And the doll is just as
bad as well. She said her dream is
to show her doll to the Duke and
Duchess of Cambridge. That's going
to happen. Who amongst us
doesn't want an exact effigy of
their firstborn child but with its
soul removed? Scottish National
party leader Nicola Sturgeon has
been upset by Cameron's plans for
English votes for English laws.
David, if you are trying to sell a
policy, maybe not call it EVEL!
You should have a Welsh votes for
Welsh laws, or WBWL,
which is actually the
Welsh word for bus. The government
is tying in another piece of
legislation, called the Keep
Northern Ireland Economically
Vital at Executive Levels.
So the whole package is now known as
EVEL KNIEVEL.
Over in America, a new dentistry
craze has swept the internet.
Today, we're gonna have
the world's first tooth extraction
with a sling bow.
All right, Alexis, when you're
ready,
go ahead and shoot your tooth out of
your face.
Open your mouth wide.
It wouldn't be a craze sweeping
the internet with only one clip.
Here are some more.
Say goodbye to the tooth.
Bye.
Chin up.
Let's see. Oh, wow.
Ready, dude?
Yeah.
(ENGINE ROARS)
Wow. Then it is just
a race to see if the tooth fairy or
social services arrives first. Of
course, no children were harmed in
these videos. It's A Funny
Old Week.
In America, Donald Trump
promised that he would ditch his
ridiculous hairstyle if he triumphed
in the 2016 presidential elections
because his comb-over takes too much
time to maintain.
That's what his
campaign strategy should be. "If I
can sort this shit out, imagine what
I could do in the Middle East." It
is estimated he has a net worth of
$8.5bn, yet he does not own a
mirror. What does he ask for at the
hairdresser's? Can I get two guinea
pigs fighting over an omelette? To
the World Hotdog Eating
Championships.
This is unofficial
but that was an incredible battle of
two incredible athletes.
The winner
wolfed down at 62 hot dogs in ten
minutes. He received $40,000 in prize
money, but most of that goes on
Gaviscon. The reigning champion
missed out by two hot dogs - that
must have been hard to swallow!
He fell behind after four minutes and
just couldn't ketchup.
He couldn't cut the mustard.
He is relishing the
rematch.
I'm on a roll.
That's the thing about the Hotdog
Eating Championship,
there can only be one wiener -
winner.
A website devoted to sexy MPs
was accessed almost half a million
times
from inside Parliament.
The website asks you to choose which
MP you would rather sleep with,
which is like asking if you would
rather be drowned or stung to death.
I've done
a bit of investigation.
The number one rated sexiest MP is
Tory Owen
Patterson. The next 20 on the list
are all women. I think we have found
out who has been voting for
themselves from the inside. I
guarantee you he is standing in the
Commons bar chatting someone up,
"We are both on the sexy MP list. How
random."
Good news, child poverty
has been eradicated. I say
eradicated, what they have actually
done is just changed the definition
of child poverty. Bring on the pleb.
Are you poor? No, you're not.
Simple as that.
Under the new
scheme, poverty will no longer be
just about money. It's also about
things like family breakdown and
drug an alcohol addiction, meaning
that a City trader snorting cocaine
whilst downing of bottle of
champagne is officially poor. And
it will also be about how many
people in your family have jobs,
meaning the Royal Family is now
technically destitute. But getting
rid of it by changing what it means
can't be right. Where will it end?
You won't be unemployed any more,
you will be enjoying some quality me
time. They will no longer be illegal
immigrants but thrill-seeking
adrenaline junkies. In the NHS, you
won't be in the high-risk health
category, you will be a trainee
corpse. Very clever government.
Time to look at the news in your
area.
In Manchester, police were called
after a couple were spotted having
sex in a city centre phone box. To
any teenagers, a phone box is a
thing from the olden days that
people use to communicate with each
other. And to any married couples,
sex is what a man and a woman do
when they love each other very much.
I think the worst thing about this
story is that the phone box was
outside a Travelodge. How cheap are
you?! "Shall we have sex?"
"In the Travelodge, it's only 40
quid."
"Nah, let's just do it here in the
phone box."
Next story, from Wales
We've all been
there. I imagine he was particularly
worried about the safety of his
mouse. I'm not proud of myself, all
right?
In Cambridge, a vicious fox
trapped eight people inside a sports
club for three hours as it stalked
them from the car park. I'm sure it
wasn't funny for them, but the bit
in the story that made me really
laugh was when they called the pest
controller, and they said
But when it refused to move, he was
forced to beat a retreat.
I just love the
mental image of the guy in his
uniform in the car park just going
"Aaaagh!"
And an old fella at the bar going,
"Experts are here."
That's all from this part but join us
again in a few minutes.
Welcome back to It's A Funny Old
Week. Hasn't it been hot this week?
Every year, it seems to come as
surprise that the hottest day of the
year comes right in the middle of
summer. Everywhere you look, experts
give advice on how to keep cool. My
favourites were
There was me putting on my polo neck
and going for a jog.
This is my hot weather survival
guide.
We're hotter than Rio! We're hotter
than the Sahara Desert!
As if we are proud of hot weather
that's got nothing to do with us!
Such as the elderly, children and
Goths.
Look after yourselves, guys.
Here to talk more about the summer,
a very funny comedian, friend of
mine, Kerry Godliman.
Hello. I do
love the summer. I love the lovely
things we do, go on holiday,
weddings. My favourite hobby is to
go hen spotting. You do see a lot of
hen parties out and about. Don't go
for the older, second wedding hens,
it's all a bottle of prosecco and
a couscous workshop. Go for the
giddy younger ones.
I saw a group
out, they were carrying an
inflatable cock, and a sash saying
"I love cock." They were getting in
a cab going on to a nightclub,
and one couldn't get in the cab
and was told she had to walk.
The inflatable cock got a seat in
the cab. But Julie didn't make it.
There is a lot of pressure on women
to look fantastic in the summer.
It can get silly, like a vajazzle.
Is a vajazzle a wind-up?
Most of the time, it looks like an
unsponsored roundabout down there.
What I don't mind is the word
vajazzle. I bet a lot of other words
were bandied around in that meeting
when they came up with that,
like disco minge.
Glamjina.
Or spangle-chasm.
You can play this game with the
family on the beach
this summer.
I was reading in a magazine that,
apparently, women over the age of 30
should really be using an eye cream.
At first, I thought, "Oh, shit it!"
But then I calmed down and thought,
"I'll go to one of those department
stores,
the really big ones,
where the ground floor is filled
with scientists? I'll go
and talk to one of them and said to
her,
"I would like some eye cream,
please."
She asked, "What eye cream are you
currently using
in your summer eye cream regime?"
I said, "I don't have any seasonal
regime.
Look at my face."
She went, "How old are you?" I said,
"I'm 40. I'm sorry."
She was really pissed off about it.
"You're 40 and you don't have an eye
cream regime?!
You are a fucking idiot!"
Have a fantastic summer.
Enjoy whatever you get up to.
I'm going on holiday with my
toddler. It's not
very relaxing. Shadowing a toddler
around a swimming pool for 12 hours
in 30C heat. Sleep
deprivation, screaming on the
aeroplane, liquid shit. Those were
the days before I had the kids, and
fingers crossed we will get them
back soon.
Have a fantastic summer,
take care.
Kerry Godliman.
It's time
now for entertainment news.
The TV world was stunned and social
media went into meltdown when The
Jeremy Kyle Show featured a woman
widely described as a programme's
prettiest ever guest. They are
right, but it's not hard, is it?
It's like being the cleverest one on
TOWIE.
This guy came second.
However, it was also a
groundbreaking week for the show
because it celebrated its tenth
anniversary. Ten years!
Fuck me sideways!
Was one of my favourite
episodes.
To mark ten years of
groundbreaking TV, the Jeremy Kyle
Show brings you Jezza The Album,
featuring such hits as -
The family favourite -
Plus, the timeless classic -
Jezza The Album. Order now with your
credit card, or use someone else's.
I would actually buy that.
Over on E4, I've been enjoying a
brilliant show called Tattoo Fixers.
Where did they get this guy from?
I've never been a fan of tattoos. I
always said I would never get one.
He doesn't sound like someone who
would end up with a terrible tattoo.
I adore Coronation Street
and I thought I would get Deirdre
tattooed on my ankle.
Why? Like, why?
He made a mistake, he was drunk,
he has learned his lesson.
He now has the embarrassing tattoo
replaced with something more
tasteful?
I'd like to cover it with this.
What are you doing, man?! That's not
fixing it.
Surely he didn't go through with it.
It's just insane.
Yes, it is insane, you are right.
The makers found other people who
also needed a fix, like this guy.
Which tattoo could it be?
It's an intimate area.
It's my cock.
Of course it's his cock!
Don't tell me he's gone for Betty's
hotpot tattooed on it!
What a massive anchor!
Now it's time for the part
of the show were I make a stand
on behalf of the weak and the
defenceless. It's time for Stand Up
For The Little Guy.
Elsa Harris was
stuck in a traffic jam in Dorset on
her way to work when she was stopped
by the police. She found herself in
the back of a police car and slapped
her hands off the steering wheel
of her stationary car to unpeel the
last bit of a banana.
But bananas are energy food.
I always know when I'm getting too
tired to drive
when my spelling deteriorates on my
texts. I'm joking, police.
Eating at the wheel could be
dangerous if you are eating cheese
fondue, but it was a bloody banana!
Dorset Police are rightly committed
to reducing the fatal five -
And it seems at number six -
Well, we in Britain are a banana
worshipping nation. I am going to
take this to the very top. I will
set the satnav for Downing Street.
They can take our bananas but they
will never take our freedom. Oh,
yes. I'm coming for you, Downing
Street. Put my belt on.
Mirror, signal, banana.
That's all from It's A Funny Old
Week. I'll see you next time.
Hello. Good evening, I'm Jason
Manford. Welcome to It's A Funny Old
Week, where I look back at the
lighter side of the news from the
week.
Princess Charlotte was christened
yesterday. But it was Prince George
that caught my eye. Natalie Lawrence
ordered a silicon doll and spent
months painting on George's face,
and sewing on his golden locks with
angora
goat hair. Look at those creepy
vacant eyes.
And the doll is just as
bad as well. She said her dream is
to show her doll to the Duke and
Duchess of Cambridge. That's going
to happen. Who amongst us
doesn't want an exact effigy of
their firstborn child but with its
soul removed? Scottish National
party leader Nicola Sturgeon has
been upset by Cameron's plans for
English votes for English laws.
David, if you are trying to sell a
policy, maybe not call it EVEL!
You should have a Welsh votes for
Welsh laws, or WBWL,
which is actually the
Welsh word for bus. The government
is tying in another piece of
legislation, called the Keep
Northern Ireland Economically
Vital at Executive Levels.
So the whole package is now known as
EVEL KNIEVEL.
Over in America, a new dentistry
craze has swept the internet.
Today, we're gonna have
the world's first tooth extraction
with a sling bow.
All right, Alexis, when you're
ready,
go ahead and shoot your tooth out of
your face.
Open your mouth wide.
It wouldn't be a craze sweeping
the internet with only one clip.
Here are some more.
Say goodbye to the tooth.
Bye.
Chin up.
Let's see. Oh, wow.
Ready, dude?
Yeah.
(ENGINE ROARS)
Wow. Then it is just
a race to see if the tooth fairy or
social services arrives first. Of
course, no children were harmed in
these videos. It's A Funny
Old Week.
In America, Donald Trump
promised that he would ditch his
ridiculous hairstyle if he triumphed
in the 2016 presidential elections
because his comb-over takes too much
time to maintain.
That's what his
campaign strategy should be. "If I
can sort this shit out, imagine what
I could do in the Middle East." It
is estimated he has a net worth of
$8.5bn, yet he does not own a
mirror. What does he ask for at the
hairdresser's? Can I get two guinea
pigs fighting over an omelette? To
the World Hotdog Eating
Championships.
This is unofficial
but that was an incredible battle of
two incredible athletes.
The winner
wolfed down at 62 hot dogs in ten
minutes. He received $40,000 in prize
money, but most of that goes on
Gaviscon. The reigning champion
missed out by two hot dogs - that
must have been hard to swallow!
He fell behind after four minutes and
just couldn't ketchup.
He couldn't cut the mustard.
He is relishing the
rematch.
I'm on a roll.
That's the thing about the Hotdog
Eating Championship,
there can only be one wiener -
winner.
A website devoted to sexy MPs
was accessed almost half a million
times
from inside Parliament.
The website asks you to choose which
MP you would rather sleep with,
which is like asking if you would
rather be drowned or stung to death.
I've done
a bit of investigation.
The number one rated sexiest MP is
Tory Owen
Patterson. The next 20 on the list
are all women. I think we have found
out who has been voting for
themselves from the inside. I
guarantee you he is standing in the
Commons bar chatting someone up,
"We are both on the sexy MP list. How
random."
Good news, child poverty
has been eradicated. I say
eradicated, what they have actually
done is just changed the definition
of child poverty. Bring on the pleb.
Are you poor? No, you're not.
Simple as that.
Under the new
scheme, poverty will no longer be
just about money. It's also about
things like family breakdown and
drug an alcohol addiction, meaning
that a City trader snorting cocaine
whilst downing of bottle of
champagne is officially poor. And
it will also be about how many
people in your family have jobs,
meaning the Royal Family is now
technically destitute. But getting
rid of it by changing what it means
can't be right. Where will it end?
You won't be unemployed any more,
you will be enjoying some quality me
time. They will no longer be illegal
immigrants but thrill-seeking
adrenaline junkies. In the NHS, you
won't be in the high-risk health
category, you will be a trainee
corpse. Very clever government.
Time to look at the news in your
area.
In Manchester, police were called
after a couple were spotted having
sex in a city centre phone box. To
any teenagers, a phone box is a
thing from the olden days that
people use to communicate with each
other. And to any married couples,
sex is what a man and a woman do
when they love each other very much.
I think the worst thing about this
story is that the phone box was
outside a Travelodge. How cheap are
you?! "Shall we have sex?"
"In the Travelodge, it's only 40
quid."
"Nah, let's just do it here in the
phone box."
Next story, from Wales
We've all been
there. I imagine he was particularly
worried about the safety of his
mouse. I'm not proud of myself, all
right?
In Cambridge, a vicious fox
trapped eight people inside a sports
club for three hours as it stalked
them from the car park. I'm sure it
wasn't funny for them, but the bit
in the story that made me really
laugh was when they called the pest
controller, and they said
But when it refused to move, he was
forced to beat a retreat.
I just love the
mental image of the guy in his
uniform in the car park just going
"Aaaagh!"
And an old fella at the bar going,
"Experts are here."
That's all from this part but join us
again in a few minutes.
Welcome back to It's A Funny Old
Week. Hasn't it been hot this week?
Every year, it seems to come as
surprise that the hottest day of the
year comes right in the middle of
summer. Everywhere you look, experts
give advice on how to keep cool. My
favourites were
There was me putting on my polo neck
and going for a jog.
This is my hot weather survival
guide.
We're hotter than Rio! We're hotter
than the Sahara Desert!
As if we are proud of hot weather
that's got nothing to do with us!
Such as the elderly, children and
Goths.
Look after yourselves, guys.
Here to talk more about the summer,
a very funny comedian, friend of
mine, Kerry Godliman.
Hello. I do
love the summer. I love the lovely
things we do, go on holiday,
weddings. My favourite hobby is to
go hen spotting. You do see a lot of
hen parties out and about. Don't go
for the older, second wedding hens,
it's all a bottle of prosecco and
a couscous workshop. Go for the
giddy younger ones.
I saw a group
out, they were carrying an
inflatable cock, and a sash saying
"I love cock." They were getting in
a cab going on to a nightclub,
and one couldn't get in the cab
and was told she had to walk.
The inflatable cock got a seat in
the cab. But Julie didn't make it.
There is a lot of pressure on women
to look fantastic in the summer.
It can get silly, like a vajazzle.
Is a vajazzle a wind-up?
Most of the time, it looks like an
unsponsored roundabout down there.
What I don't mind is the word
vajazzle. I bet a lot of other words
were bandied around in that meeting
when they came up with that,
like disco minge.
Glamjina.
Or spangle-chasm.
You can play this game with the
family on the beach
this summer.
I was reading in a magazine that,
apparently, women over the age of 30
should really be using an eye cream.
At first, I thought, "Oh, shit it!"
But then I calmed down and thought,
"I'll go to one of those department
stores,
the really big ones,
where the ground floor is filled
with scientists? I'll go
and talk to one of them and said to
her,
"I would like some eye cream,
please."
She asked, "What eye cream are you
currently using
in your summer eye cream regime?"
I said, "I don't have any seasonal
regime.
Look at my face."
She went, "How old are you?" I said,
"I'm 40. I'm sorry."
She was really pissed off about it.
"You're 40 and you don't have an eye
cream regime?!
You are a fucking idiot!"
Have a fantastic summer.
Enjoy whatever you get up to.
I'm going on holiday with my
toddler. It's not
very relaxing. Shadowing a toddler
around a swimming pool for 12 hours
in 30C heat. Sleep
deprivation, screaming on the
aeroplane, liquid shit. Those were
the days before I had the kids, and
fingers crossed we will get them
back soon.
Have a fantastic summer,
take care.
Kerry Godliman.
It's time
now for entertainment news.
The TV world was stunned and social
media went into meltdown when The
Jeremy Kyle Show featured a woman
widely described as a programme's
prettiest ever guest. They are
right, but it's not hard, is it?
It's like being the cleverest one on
TOWIE.
This guy came second.
However, it was also a
groundbreaking week for the show
because it celebrated its tenth
anniversary. Ten years!
Fuck me sideways!
Was one of my favourite
episodes.
To mark ten years of
groundbreaking TV, the Jeremy Kyle
Show brings you Jezza The Album,
featuring such hits as -
The family favourite -
Plus, the timeless classic -
Jezza The Album. Order now with your
credit card, or use someone else's.
I would actually buy that.
Over on E4, I've been enjoying a
brilliant show called Tattoo Fixers.
Where did they get this guy from?
I've never been a fan of tattoos. I
always said I would never get one.
He doesn't sound like someone who
would end up with a terrible tattoo.
I adore Coronation Street
and I thought I would get Deirdre
tattooed on my ankle.
Why? Like, why?
He made a mistake, he was drunk,
he has learned his lesson.
He now has the embarrassing tattoo
replaced with something more
tasteful?
I'd like to cover it with this.
What are you doing, man?! That's not
fixing it.
Surely he didn't go through with it.
It's just insane.
Yes, it is insane, you are right.
The makers found other people who
also needed a fix, like this guy.
Which tattoo could it be?
It's an intimate area.
It's my cock.
Of course it's his cock!
Don't tell me he's gone for Betty's
hotpot tattooed on it!
What a massive anchor!
Now it's time for the part
of the show were I make a stand
on behalf of the weak and the
defenceless. It's time for Stand Up
For The Little Guy.
Elsa Harris was
stuck in a traffic jam in Dorset on
her way to work when she was stopped
by the police. She found herself in
the back of a police car and slapped
her hands off the steering wheel
of her stationary car to unpeel the
last bit of a banana.
But bananas are energy food.
I always know when I'm getting too
tired to drive
when my spelling deteriorates on my
texts. I'm joking, police.
Eating at the wheel could be
dangerous if you are eating cheese
fondue, but it was a bloody banana!
Dorset Police are rightly committed
to reducing the fatal five -
And it seems at number six -
Well, we in Britain are a banana
worshipping nation. I am going to
take this to the very top. I will
set the satnav for Downing Street.
They can take our bananas but they
will never take our freedom. Oh,
yes. I'm coming for you, Downing
Street. Put my belt on.
Mirror, signal, banana.
That's all from It's A Funny Old
Week. I'll see you next time.