James May: Oh Cook! (2020) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Hello, viewers.
I'm James May, and I can't cook.
Welcome to my cookery show.
♪
Ah, bollocks.
This time,
if you can't stand the heat
No. No, no, I've done it right.
get out of my kitchen.
If you could be
a bit more positive,
'cause I want to
put this one in the book.
Because today,
I'm making curry.
I'm going to be pleased
with myself.
Here is my
"pleased with myself" face.
Right, here is how
cooking programs work.
You have something
called a home economist.
Mine is called Nikki,
and she lives
in that cupboard there.
The celebrity chef
or the presenter
does a lot of poncy chopping,
saying, "Look at this,
look at that."
But in the background,
the food is being made.
It's substituted for the thing
you were trying to cook,
and then you say, "Look at that.
That's how you do it."
We're not doing that.
We're doing things in real time
and attempting
to do them properly.
And as a test of myself
and the art of television,
what we're going to do today
is make a curry feast.
We're going to do it
simultaneously,
because part
of the art of cooking
is not just the ingredients
and how you treat them.
It's how you time them.
So, let us begin.
♪
The fulcrum of the curry feast
will be a lamb keema
utilizing one onion,
ginger,
two cloves of garlic,
chilies,
two tablespoons of curry powder,
three tomatoes and yogurt.
And 500 grams of minced lamb.
You cook the onion gently
on a gentle heat
so that it goes transparent
and soft,
a bit like polythene.
That's
And why did I say that?
It's like polythene.
You cook the onion
on a gentle heat very gradually
so that it goes transparent
and then soft,
and it looks like
polythene, actually.
It does look like polythene.
That's what it looks like.
While the onion is taking on
the guise of polythene,
I can take care of the ginger.
My Indian friends
who may be watching this
are going to get annoyed with me
for simply using
the word "curry" to mean
Indian food.
It's not that simple, obviously.
"Curry" isn't even a proper
Indian word as far as we know.
We think it may have been
invented by the British,
but let's not get bogged down
in it.
It's Asian-inspired,
spicy, delicious,
homemade, simple food,
all, as usual,
made with ingredients
that you would find
in your local supermarket
or corner shop.
If you go back 20, 25 years
to when I was a youth,
your corner shop
would have had some potatoes,
a tin of Spam, some corned beef,
and a few things like that.
♪
I'm using
my second favorite knife.
But you can use your favorite.
In it goes,
all cooking very gently.
Add the garlic,
crushed with a crusher.
Stirring. We have onions.
We have garlic.
We have ginger.
[sniffs]
It smells fantastic.
That is denied to you,
but you have to take my word
for it.
It's fabulous.
Now I'll quickly open
this drawer down here
and have a look
at my instructions
and make sure
I'm doing this properly, okay?
♪
Ah, bollocks.
No. No, no, I've done it right.
Five minutes.
It should become fragrant.
Yes, that's good.
I'm doing it right.
That has become fragrant.
Everybody in the room agree
that that is fragrant?
- [man] Yeah.
- [James] And here's a lesson.
That brief though intense panic
could have been avoided
if I trusted my nose.
Nikki.
- Hi.
- Hello. Would you like to come
and check on my progress?
- What's happening?
- So, I have It's become
aromatic, as instructed.
So, that's onions,
garlic and ginger.
I'm now about to
add the minced
I would put a bit of water in,
that will stop burning.
- [James] Water. Oh?
- [Nikki] Yeah, a tiny bit.
A tiny bit.
If you don't want to make it
Lambs can be quite
- greasy and quite fatty.
- It's quite fatty, isn't it?
- Okay, so just a
- Just a touch.
Little bit more. That's fine.
There's a top tip for you.
Put water in.
- Tiny bit. Tiny bit.
- Tiny bit of water.
That's just to stop it sticking
to the pan.
We will now
- I didn't say you could do it.
- Sorry.
[James] Geez.
Okay.
Lamb goes in.
There's got a bit
Thank you.
Right, lamb is in.
That's gonna need
a fairly regular stir.
Actually, do you mind doing
- doing a bit of stirring?
- I don't mind doing that.
Whilst I chop up some chilies.
Yeah!
- Oh, look at that.
- That's much better.
[James] Chilies chopped.
I put them into the pan
before adding two tablespoons
of curry powder.
This is just regular
shop-bought stuff.
Give it a good old stir
Yeah, smells fantastic.
and chop the tomatoes.
If you're watching this
and you're saying to yourself
or your other half,
"James is hopeless at this.
He's doing it really slowly,"
that's because I'm not a chef.
I assemble motorcycles
and things like that.
I'm simply having a go
in the hope
that it will encourage you
to have a go.
I'm not gonna say
if I can do it, anybody can,
but that is probably true.
And I've just said it anyway,
so there you go.
Next, I'm going to add
a couple of tablespoons
of natural yogurt.
Full-fat, because otherwise,
it'll curdle.
Shall we put this
on a lower heat?
'Cause it needs to just simmer
- rather than boil,
and then it'll clear up.
- [James] Yes.
I always get confused
about "lid on, lid off"
protocol,
because that We want that
to reduce a bit and thicken up,
which means
moisture has to boil off.
Very gently.
I mean, this is going
See, hear it calming down?
It's gone from
[crackles loudly]
to sort of
[crackles softly]
That's very gentle.
But with the lid on,
- doesn't it
- Well, we've got half an hour,
so I'd put the lid on
for the first ten, 15 minutes.
♪
And then we'll check it.
[James] So, lid on pan,
Nikki in cupboard.
And let the keema
simmer gently for half an hour,
which gives me ample time
to make my next dish,
namely a dal.
And this requires a shallot,
two cloves of garlic,
curry leaves, two chilies,
a cinnamon stick,
a can of coconut milk
and 200 grams of lentils.
♪
Now, lentils get a bad rap.
A lot of people say,
"Oh, well, you eat lentils.
You're just a snowflake.
You're just a hipster."
Or, "What's the
what's the point of that?
Why don't you eat
some proper
Why don't you have a sausage?
Why don't you have
a cheeseburger?"
The fact is dal,
which is what
we're about to make,
is probably the oldest
and best established
street food
i.e. on trend in the world.
It can be traced back
three and a half thousand years
before the Common Era.
And the fact is
dal is everywhere in India.
Everybody eats it,
and it sustains you.
Obviously, the Indians have been
very successful as a nation,
and they eat dal,
which is made from lentils.
QED.
I don't want to hear any more
of your lentil fascism.
Lentils are good.
It's also known,
or it was certainly believed
in the 19th century,
that curry and curry ingredients
were good for your brain,
because it was said by
the people who were selling them
that spices used in Indian food
stimulated your stomach,
which increased blood supply,
and the improved blood supply
invigorated your brain,
giving you deeper thoughts.
So there you go.
Curry makes you more intelligent
in the way that exercise
makes you more stupid.
Don't forget that.
After chopping up the shallots,
chilies and garlic,
everything except the lentils
can go in the pan
at the same time.
Meanwhile, you can muse
at the simplicity of dal.
A dal is just a-a lentil stew
with a few extra things added
to make it exciting.
The very, very base of one
really is just lentils
and maybe onions.
Ours is this slightly posher
version, as I said,
because it has coconut milk
in it, which makes it creamy.
Also makes it easier to pick up
with your piece of bread.
You should really eat dal
with the bread.
The bread is food.
It's also the cutlery.
And it's a very nice way
of eating it.
And at the end of it,
there's nothing left.
You don't have to wash up.
You don't have any plastic
knives and forks to dispose of.
You've eaten the bread.
You've eaten the dal.
Once my chopped ingredients
are in,
I can add my lentils,
which have been washed
in cold water.
The great thing about this dal
is that
To be honest,
I'm slightly poncing around
with it,
but you can put everything in.
It is essentially a stew.
You can put everything in
and then put it on the heat
for about
well, somewhere between
20 minutes and half an hour,
and it will be absolutely fine.
The only thing I need to add
at the end is the
um, the lemon juice.
♪
I'm going to add
the coconut milk.
A bit of a debate
broke out earlier on
because I said earlier on
this is what
will make it creamy,
um, and somebody,
I think it was Gary on camera,
said, "No,
it will be creamy anyway."
- Did you not?
- [Gary] Yes.
But it would be more creamy
- Yes.
- with the coconut milk.
I'm going to add a teaspoon
of our shop-bought curry powder
and a pinch of salt.
Oh, that's looking fantastic.
Can you see the color of this?
It's going to
uh, I don't know what,
how you'd describe that.
It's somewhere
between yellow and beige.
I think I may have slightly
overdone the coconut milk,
so we will get a slightly sloppy
dal but it doesn't matter.
Back on the heat.
I'm gonna turn it up a bit.
That can reduce for somewhere
between 15 and 20 minutes.
I'm going to reset the clock.
Let's have a look
at the keema curry,
which is reducing nicely.
It's still a little bit moist
for my liking, so
ooh, not far off, though.
I'm gonna leave the lid off
for a bit.
Keema and dal can be left
to their own devices for now.
I can turn my attention
to chapati.
This involves 100 grams each
of wholemeal and plain flour.
♪
So, I mix those together
in the bowl.
I've never made any bread
before, so you're gonna
have to hold my hand a bit
on this one, Nikki, I'm afraid.
Okay, we need a bag
of-of plain flour as well,
'cause we're gonna need
to dust things, aren't we,
- when we roll, so
- We are, that could just go
- over there for the moment.
- That is introducing
the bag of flour to the shot.
- You need about half
a teaspoon of salt.
- Flour.
Well, I'm gonna measure that
properly, as we're making bread.
So that is half a teaspoon,
agreed, is in there.
- Can I mix it up
with my fingers?
- You can.
[James] As well as mixing it up,
you need to add
two tablespoons
of vegetable oil.
Nikki, meanwhile,
has sensed something wrong.
Did you put any water
in your dal?
- Uh, no.
- We need to put some water in.
- Oh, do I?
- Yes.
- Oh. All of that?
- Yes.
- Seriously?
- Yes.
[James] Don't forget to add
a quarter of a liter of water.
Oh, that suddenly started
smelling fantastic,
when you disturbed it.
- Did it? Good.
- Yeah. Smells-smells spicy
and creamy at the same time.
Anyway, back to the chapati.
This needs a bit of water
as well,
but there's a difference.
- So this is warm water.
- [Nikki] Yes.
- But when you say "warm,"
you just mean, like
- [Nikki] Lukewarm.
- hot tap warm,
not-not kettle.
- Yes. Yes, hot tap.
- No.
- Oh, look at this.
This is going stiff.
So you can probably put
your hands in there.
And it needs to be like, um,
elastic-y, but not too wet.
[James] Okay, just, how is
our keema's looking very good.
Would you agree? Should we put
it in the warmer? Um
Am I doing this correctly?
I'm just
- You are.
- Is that elas
See, this is I'm going
to show you what it looks like.
So it's I would say
that-that has elasticity.
Would you say that's too wet
or too dry?
[Nikki] That's fine.
- Yeah?
- Bring it out of the bowl.
[James] Think how much harder
this is to do
if you're doing it by yourself,
especially if you're a beginner
like me.
I recommend that you get a Nikki
just as if you want to own
an old Italian motorcycle,
I recommend that you buy a van
and have a man
follow you around in it.
It's just the way life is.
- So now, I sort of
go like that, don't I?
- [Nikki] Yes. You push.
Ooh, that's very satisfying.
[Nikki] You making a sausage?
[James] Well, I was just
I-I don't know.
I was thinking about it a bit
like mixing together putty,
but, uh, I was gonna do that,
then do it again.
[Nikki] That's fine,
that's fine.
How long do I have to do this?
I think you're almost done,
almost there.
- It's nice and smooth.
- It's very smooth.
And then we just need
to let it rest
for about five minutes
before we roll them out.
♪
Right, that's been sitting there
for at least five minutes.
It's completely stuck
to the bowl, look.
But that should be enough
for about, what do we reckon?
- Ten small chapatis?
- You normally do
- Yeah, eight to ten.
- Let's say eight.
- [Nikki] They're quite small.
- I haven't done that quite
[groans]
One, two, three, four, five.
You only get seven chapatis.
- Okay, that's fine.
- So it's
And they're all gonna be
different sizes,
but I don't really think
that matters.
Turn those into balls.
The thin pan is heating up.
Interestingly, you know,
my dad he's long retired now,
but he used to run an aluminum
die casting foundry,
uh, just north of Birmingham.
And he had quite a lot
of Indians in his workforce,
- as you'd expect
around Birmingham.
- Mm-hmm.
And they used to bring chapati
mixture into work,
in-in this form,
in the dough form,
because the top of
the die casting machines
were at exactly the right
temperature to cook it.
And all they did at lunchtime,
having done about
Well, I had one of them,
they made one for me.
They just did this, rolled it
out, went bonk on the machine.
By the time they've got
the next component out,
which was something like a
cylinder head, perfect chapati,
- from the top of the machine.
- That's brilliant.
And that's energy-saving,
of course,
'cause they didn't consume
any extra energy cooking those.
They just used heat that was
already there, like people used
to cook things in the, uh, in
the cabs of steam locomotives.
And indeed in furnaces.
You can make a bacon sandwich
on a shovel.
I've done that. It's fantastic.
It has a type of flavor
that you simply don't get
from doing it in a pan.
Right, can I roll these out?
- [Nikki] Yes.
- Bit of flour?
I'm talking rubbish, aren't I?
But you can just nod
appreciatively,
- and I'll be happy.
- I am.
Yeah, it's a bit like dealing
with a dog or a cat.
Rather excitingly, Nikki's got
an authentic chapati roller,
with which I'm going to roll
out the chapatis,
as the song doesn't go.
- I think that
I think that's thin enough.
- Is that thin enough?
We need a, we need a
[whistles]
- a picker upper?
- Can we?
- Pick it up like that.
- Or we could just pick it up.
Yeah. Okay.
- Shall I put that in the pan?
- Put it in the pan.
[James] I think
we've hit our stride.
I'm going to carry on
rolling out the flour while
- Nikki cooks the chapatis.
- That's an interesting shape.
[James] It is an interesting
shape, isn't it?
I think it's a map
of Sri Lanka, actually.
That's enough geography.
We carry on rolling
and frying the chapatis
until all seven
are done and plated up.
Then they can be placed
in our warming drawer
along with the dal.
If you don't actually
have a warmer
This is a bit
of a sophistication.
You can simply put the oven on,
somewhere between 50 and 80,
and put everything
in there to warm up.
If you have a double oven, which
is a very nice thing to have,
you can have one for cooking in
and one for keeping warm in.
There now follows a top
"keeping chapatis warm" tip
from Nikki.
What might be a good idea
is also
to wrap them up
with a tea towel.
- Yes? Okay.
- I've got one here.
There's a tea towel
we prepared earlier.
If we just wrap them,
it will keep them softer.
So those kind of steam
a little bit.
Okay.
Now we have the chapatis
in swaddling bands.
That's all very biblical.
In there.
So in there, we have dal,
we have our keema curry,
which just has to have the peas
and a bit of coriander in it.
We can move on
to the next part of our feast:
the rice.
Now, if you were
a very good chef,
like Nikki, for example,
or if you are an actual chef
in a restaurant, you'd have
the rice doing at the same time.
I've kept it separate because
it's where you can
really mess it up.
We are using basmati rice.
There is the amount of rice.
It's roughly one American cup,
which is about 225 milliliters.
That's not really a unit of
measuring something like rice.
Twice as much water as that
in the pan, already boiling.
Chuck the rice in.
Don't stir it
or anything like that.
And put the lid on.
That is boiling.
Start the clock. 11 minutes,
that is going to take.
11 minutes is enough time
for another side dish.
I'm going to knock up
some of this:
a tomato and onion chutney.
Tomatoes and onions are
the key ingredients, of course,
but I also need coriander.
♪
Thin slices of tomato,
like that, from each piece.
If you're a bit
of a tool fetishist as I am,
then knives are important,
because knives
are lovely things.
Um, you can't have
too many of them,
even though
you only really need two.
Keep them sharp,
because as everybody
will be very keen to tell you,
sharp tools are always safer
than dull ones.
If you do cut yourself,
with a very sharp tool,
you will get a clean cut
that will c
that will heal up very quickly.
If you stab yourself
with a dull tool,
you will get an ugly wound
that takes ages to heal
and will leave a scar.
Also, if you're forcing tools
through vegetables
or indeed wood
or anything else
because they're dull,
you're more likely to slip
and stab yourself.
Keep your knives sharp.
How am I doing
Oh, good God.
[sniffles]
Heat off. Tea towel on the rice.
That will absorb the moisture
from the steam coming off.
Remove entirely from the heat.
Even though I've turned
the gas off, that is still hot.
That can sit there
and you will be amazed
at how lovely that rice is
when we reveal it.
I'm now going back
to the chopping the tomatoes,
which may not be in the show.
We just don't know. This is the
beauty of a cooking program.
You can't go back
and do it again.
When I do programs about,
for example,
putting a lawn mower
back together,
if somebody says, "Oh,
I'm not sure we got that bit
where the cylinder head
went on,"
I can take the cylinder head
off again and put it on again.
I can do it as many times
as you like, within reason.
You can't do that with stuff
that's cooking.
I can't extract salt from
the pan and put it in again.
I can put it in again,
but then we'll have
too much salt in it,
and so it goes on.
This is why,
I'm sorry to say it,
but a lot of cooking programs
are a bit fraudulent.
Not this one, though.
This is genuine.
Apart from the bits
where we cheated.
Like this bit, which sees me now
miraculously chopping onions.
Look at that.
This is not over yet.
This is not over yet.
Don't, don't, don't turn off,
turn over, whatever.
Tomato in the little pot.
Bloody pot's not big enough.
I need a bigger Nikki!
Where
[groans]
- Hi.
- Oh, no, it's okay.
Sorry, that was an
That was an unnecessary "Nikki."
- I've worked it out.
I found it. Sorry.
- Okay. I shall return
- to my duties.
- Sorry. Sorry.
Right.
Bigger pot.
Next in is the coriander.
Do we think that's enough?
Probably.
That can be stirred together.
It needs a little pinch
of salt in it
just to help bring out
the flavor of the coriander.
Look good?
I'm gonna put it in the fridge,
'cause I think these always
taste slightly better
if they're a little bit
chilled off.
Same is true of Snickers bars.
Other types of chocolate bar
are available.
So far, we have many elements
to our feast,
but pudding is lacking.
Not for long, however,
because it's time
for "Storecupboard Savior."
♪
What we have in this tin
is rice pudding.
And we're going to make
rice pudding
slightly more sort of
subcontinental
by spicing it up a bit.
♪
I'm going to make an imitation
of an Indian rice pudding
called a kheer.
And what better way to start
than with a can
of British rice pudding?
I've got quite a heavy-bottom,
skillety-type pan here.
That looks fantastic.
That immediately makes me
about six years old
looking at that.
There you are,
including the lid.
Uh, I need a
Gary, I'm not
I apologize for shouting
at you earlier, but could you,
- once again,
get out of the way?
- [laughter]
Right, so the important
thing to do is
you put the rice pudding
into the heavy-bottomed,
skillet-style saucepan.
And make sure you've got it
all out of the tin.
There's no point in wasting any.
And then, vitally, remove
the lid from the rice pudding
because you don't want that.
It's It adds a sort of
sharpness to the flavor
that you don't want.
Now, we're going to make this,
as I said, a little more Asian.
And the first way
I'm going to do this
is by breaking open
some cardamom pods,
about three,
so I can get to the seeds.
We will transfer those
to the pestle and mortar.
I can hear you all at home
saying, "I never know
which one's the pestle
and which one's the mortar."
Neither do I.
So they don't work
without each other.
If you've just got the pestle,
or just the mortar,
whichever one that is,
it's completely useless.
It's a bit like having
a scissor or a trouser.
♪
I'll also add a pinch of
demerara sugar to the pestle.
Or the mortar.
Then give it a good old
grind-up,
and transfer it all
to my pan of rice pudd.
That's a very gnarly
pestle and mortar
that Nikki's got there.
It's quite interesting.
It's probably Roman.
Now, this is a problem
I have all the time.
You've probably had it as well.
You're always thinking,
"What do I do with
all my leftover saffron?"
Well, this recipe is the answer.
I'm just gonna take
a few strands
and add them to my pan.
I'm now going to apply heat
reasonably gently.
I don't want to boil it.
We don't want to
burn the bottom.
I'm also going to add
some sultanas.
I don't really know how many.
I'm sort of guessing.
So let's just put some in.
Right, heat that, stir that.
Let it warm through.
Now, while that's warming,
it's time for another savior.
A savior within a savior,
if you will.
And it's the answer
to the question:
how can I make
a restaurant-standard thing
with just two ingredients?
Now, raita. We have here
full-fat yogurt.
We want a minty one.
You can make it with cucumber
as well, obviously.
For the mint, we're going
to use mint sauce,
which is from Nikki's cupboard,
and which you would normally use
when you're roasting a lamb.
This is a cheap version.
It's a bit like mixing
sour cream and sandwich spread
to make to make, um
[sighs]
tartar sauce.
It's not true, but it'll do.
You like it pretty minty, yeah?
It's very strong
mint sauce, this.
That's made my eyes water.
There we have it,
pretty much ready to go.
And I am going to put that
in my face.
Yes, it works.
I would say that.
But trust me,
it really does work.
I'd admit it if it didn't.
It's nice.
That's going in the fridge
to chill off a bit.
Anyway, while all that
was going on,
my pudding has been
warming away nicely.
That's heated all the way
through; it didn't boil.
It was just on the edge
of boiling.
It was bubbling and making
that little pop-pop noise.
Okay, um, now that will taste
like rice pudding with a twist.
Add a little sprinkle
of crushed pistachios.
Let's try it and see
if it's any good.
It's suboptimal, as they say
in business, I believe.
- Is it suboptimal?
- Um
- I like the sultanas.
- [laughs]
I'm not keen on the saffron,
personally.
Would you mind if we
do that again, but you could
If you could be a bit
more positive
because I want to put
this one in the book.
- Oh, okay.
- And people watch the show
and say, "Nikki didn't like
that one, but it's in
why is it in the book?"
I'll go first this time.
Let's see
Mmm!
That's amazing.
- That is quite good.
I'll give you that.
- Ah, "quite good."
No, it's good, it's good.
I like the cardamom in it.
And weirdly
I'm gonna sound,
this is gonna sound
incredibly pretentious.
It doesn't just taste
a bit Indian,
because of those additions,
it actually tastes
of being in India.
Which is something
slightly different.
And there you have it.
A humble tin of rice pudding
made exotic and intriguing
with the application of
a few subcontinental flavors.
And now back to the curry feast.
Let's have a look at our rice.
This has been resting
for ten minutes.
The tea towel should have
absorbed excess moisture
as it rises off.
Yes, it has.
Fluff it up a bit.
I think that can be
considered successful.
Do we like the look of that?
That is plain old basmati rice.
We haven't done anything
clever with it.
We haven't turned it into
a pilaf or a mushroom
or any of those things;
it's just rice.
Okay, that is warm,
that is warm.
There are a few more
things to do.
I'm not gonna get Nikki out yet.
I'm gonna get her out
when I've done it all
to surprise her.
'Cause I think secretly,
polite though she is,
she thinks I'm a halfwit.
So let's
[sighs]
let's either prove otherwise
or confirm her worst suspicions.
So let's do those few
final bits.
They are some lemon juice
in the dal,
some frozen peas to the keema.
They'll cook very quickly,
and then it's ready
to be served up.
Rice good.
Keema curry good.
Dal good.
And now we enter
the presentation stage.
So let's cut to the chase.
May I present you
with lamb keema,
lentil and coconut dal,
chapatis, rice, raita,
and tomato and onion chutney.
Nikki.
You rang?
- Wow.
- What do you think?
That looks awesome.
[James] Well, it looks
all right, doesn't it?
[Nikki] It looks really good.
Really good.
Here we go. Mmm.
- Mmm!
- Mmm.
- That's really good.
- It's all right, isn't it?
- I like that.
- That tastes like dal.
Yeah, it's up there.
I'd make this.
Thank you.
That's very diplomatic.
No, it's good.
Really good.
So, as it turns out,
my previous efforts
at this sort of thing,
when I didn't have the help
of an expert,
just they were just
brown or gray.
This is nice.
I would serve this
to my friends,
even my Indian friends,
without embarrassment.
I'm going to be pleased
with myself.
Here is my
"pleased with myself" face.
And there really
isn't much to add.
The perfect curry feast
is just as delightful
to prepare as it is to eat.
Curry looks complicated,
but it isn't.
It's complex, but it's not hard.
Give it a go.
Well, that worked.
The kitchen's still here,
so am I,
and Nikki's still alive.
So if you enjoyed that, please
join us for the next one.
See you then. Goodbye.