Jann (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Now up on our charity ride for kids, we have one of our country's brightest and oldest stars, singer of the hit song "Unsensitive," - Jann Arden! - (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) - Uh, it's IN-sensitive.
- Huh? The song is called Insensitive.
(BELL RINGING) Well, let's see how long Jann can stay on Bert, shall we? - he's been a little unpredictable lately.
- Ah!! - Hey, Jann! - (MUSIC SLOWS DOWN) (EXCLAMATIONS) You should be ashamed of yourself! - Shelley, Shelley, Shelley! - Mechanical bulls glorify - the domestication of wild creatures! - Shelley, - you gotta stop doing this.
It's just a fun thing.
- Shame! Shame! Oh, my God! Grab a seat and I'll get you some curly fries.
Excuse me.
This is not okay! - I'll grab an order for you too.
- Yeah, you better! - And she'll take it to go! - Yeah! A lunatic! - Frigging lunatic! - This is outrageous.
We could sue the stirrups off this fundraiser.
You know what? Screw those kids, they can go to camp next year.
Look at this mess.
- Look at it.
- Well, that's just unfortunate.
"Die children"? - I look like a monster! - Your eyes look pretty in that one.
- I'm a good person.
- The most good.
I need to be the face of a charity.
You need to get me some of those sad orphan dogs - like Sarah McLachlan.
- Something powerful - Yes! Yes! - and uplifting.
I'm on it! So, do you guys want to go to that grilled cheese place for lunch? - Sure! - Yeah.
We'll just have to wait until Maxie gets here.
- BOTH: What? - I left my purse at her house yesterday.
No, Gram, Mom doesn't know that I dropped out of university! And she definitely doesn't know that I suggested it.
What did I tell you girls about lying? - That our boobs would fall off.
- Yeah.
You believed it for much longer than I thought you would.
- (CAR HONKING) - Oh my god, she's here! She's here! Okay, just follow my lead.
I am the worst liar in the world.
She's gonna see right through.
This isn't a hickey.
The central vac attacked me.
You don't have central vac.
We don't? We should get it.
Get into the panic room.
The laundry room? - That is where I go to panic.
- Okay, okay.
- This will not end well.
- Act normal.
- Oh, hi, Maxie! - Hi, Mom.
- Here's your purse.
- Thank you.
Thanks for dropping by! Take care.
Okay Just a reminder that you're bringing Mom - to the birthday on Saturday.
- I know.
- Okay.
- 75 and still alive! - Definitely worth celebrating.
Right, Mom? - If you say so.
Anyway, just come after 5.
Dave's making Mock-Chicken Wellington.
- What the hell is Mock - Chicken Wellington? I have no idea.
He's obsessed with Pinterest right now.
Anyway, he offered to help and I could use all the help I can get.
- I don't have time to plan a party right now.
- I'll do it.
Yeah I'm serious.
'Cause I think you're having a breakdown.
I'm not having a breakdown.
- You've got breakdown face.
- Okay.
- I'm a good person.
- Well - I'll do it at the big house.
- Okay, fine.
Fine.
You do it.
It'll be me, Dave, and the girls.
Charley can't come, she has finals.
That is so sad.
But we are still gonna have a great time, right, Mom? We are going to have the birthday of your dreams.
- Great.
It'll probably be my last.
- Exactly! So let's make it count! Did she know? - She knows, doesn't she? - Can you calm the hell down? I think I'm getting an ulcer.
You and your mom are both so annoying in such different ways.
First things first: we got a party to plan.
Oh, my lord.
Okay.
We got decorations, we got supplies I'm just waiting for confirmation on the gift bags, the catering and the Cirque Du Soleil guy.
I just want to celebrate with family.
- That is boring, Mom! - Oh, well, you could invite Cynthia.
I haven't seen her in such a long time.
You'd think the two of you had broken up! You know, she is busy with work and whatnot.
I will reach out to her and see if she's available, but no promises, alright? What a tangled web you weave.
Zip it! (PHONE RINGING) [Hey, Todd.
.]
I got you your sad orphan dogs! Oh, good! Tell me about it.
[It's a rare illness.]
that desperately needs funding to find a cure.
They want to use your face and music for an awareness campaign.
(GRUNTING) Sounds great But I should tell you Could you just call me back? - [Because, we'll fill in the gaps later.
Bye!.]
- Jann! Ja Okay, I've successfully booked the animal balloon guy.
The girls are gonna love that.
I have this one last thing I need to do.
Ahem! (PHONE RINGING) - Hi, Jann.
- [Hey, Cynthia!.]
How are you? I hope you're well.
How are you doing little lady? Uh yeah.
I might be living my best life, to be honest.
Great! It's so nice to hear your voice.
So what's up? Um, I'm hosting my mom's 75th birthday tomorrow at my house and [she specifically asked for you to come.
.]
[She was very specific about it.
.]
Specifically.
Oh that's sweet of Nora, - but I don't know if it's a good idea.
- [That's fair.
.]
But it would mean a lot to m Mom if you could come.
Okay.
I'll pop by for a bit.
Great.
- I'll see you then.
- Great.
Okay, byeeeeeee.
Bye.
Bye.
So, decorations are done.
Gram's taking a nap - Gotcha! - Do you need me to do anything else? Nope.
I can take care of this on my own.
- "Okay, byeeeeeee"! - Zip it! (QUACKING) (BOTH SCREAMING) This is bear spray! Hello, Mercer.
- Who told you where I was? - You did! Your photos are Geo-tagged.
Okay, I need a favour.
I'm kind of busy here, Jann.
You know what, I was busy for 15 years too, but that did not stop me from repeatedly saving your show.
- What do you want? - Okay, my mom is having a 75th birthday party and I need you to roast her.
That doesn't even make any sense.
I don't do roasts.
Well, you do now.
Okay, you wouldn't do that.
- Try me.
- What's on that memory stick you don't want that made public any more than I do.
I'm barely featured on this thing.
You, on the other hand, were always attracted to the spotlight, even back then.
Okay.
I'll come to your party.
I'll say some nice things, I'll do some jokes.
Ten minutes, okay? Then I get that back.
You know what? Tight five.
And then we will see, Mercer.
We will see.
Anyway, thank you so much for doing this.
I really appreciate.
My mom's gonna love it.
Don't bring anything, just yourself.
I'll bring flowers.
And a restraining order.
I'm a show-er, not a grow-er! Is this north? - I love this place! - Hello! - Where is the birthday girl? - Hi, hi.
- What is all this? - What do you mean? I thought we were just having a little private family dinner.
- You guys are kind of early.
- This looks like a Vegas after party.
- I had the best time filling up helium balloons today.
- That's a big pineapple.
I love it.
I got everything so cheap, like at a dollar store.
- Okay.
- Anyway, I just thought I'd kick it up a notch.
It looks fantastic.
Do not eat a that candy! Jann, what is the theme - of this party, exactly? - Okay, is that not obvious to you, Dave? - Sure isn't.
- No, not really.
Okay, anyway This is crazy.
You've gone so over the top.
Where is our mother? Oh god, she's around here somewhere.
She's probably with she's probably with Charley.
Did I - forget to tell you at Charley was here? - Charley? But I thought she had finals.
God, I love this cake so much.
Did you make this at home? What a great picture.
Why don't you set that on the cake table right over there? - Okay - So cute.
On the cake table.
Okay! Hey, no, no, no, no, no! - I just had this right.
- Is that cake? No, baby, that's ego.
Don't touch it.
- Wow.
- Yeah, wow.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Is Rick Mercer here yet? - Yes, he is! How often does your dog take antidepressants? - Once a day.
- Every day? Every day.
Sometimes twice a day.
I can see that.
Your eyes are creeping me out.
What? No.
I mean yeah, I'm a fan, but I'm not crazy.
- What's going on? - Nothing, I just think that Rick is the greatest political satirist to ever live and that he has the face of valiant, distinguished cherub.
Holy Moly! You need to have a drink.
- I'll tone it down.
- Honestly, you're kind of embarrassing me.
Get it together.
Listen, Rick being here is a huge opportunity for you.
He has 2 million followers and if you can live stream with him for a full minute, you'll see a 6% bump in YOUR followers.
So you want me to exploit my friend's fame to make myself seem more relevant? - Bingo.
- Done.
How does live streaming work? You just leave it to me.
(GASPING) Great.
So great.
What exactly is the theme of this party? Why does everybody keep asking me that? Babe, are these hats supposed to look like - I think they're supposed to be ducks? - Ducks? The man called them dicks.
Is a dick a boy duck? It's um You know what? You guys should go and find something to eat.
Focus on something nutritional.
- Things that grow out of the ground.
- Come on, girls, let's go.
Okay.
I'll hold your dicks ducks.
Ducks.
- Can you hold my duck? - Okay.
- Hi, Mom! - My Char-Char! So, - all done with finals? - Mm-hmm.
- I bet you aced 'em.
- Mmm.
This party's a little bit much, don't you think? - Yeah, it cost a fortune.
- How do you know how much it cost? Guess? I mean, the sheer amount of guacamole here Why didn't you tell me you were gonna be here? - I would've picked you up.
- Oh, I mean I was going to, but then I dropped my phone down this deep, deep well and it took me three hours to fish it out with my shoelace.
What? What?! Please stop staring at me like that.
Are your boobs tingling at all? - Be careful, they might fall off.
- What? Hello? Oh my god.
Thank you.
Oh no, thank you.
No, really, I'm good.
I'm claustrophobic! - Cynthia? Hi! - Hi.
- What are you doing here? - Jann asked me to swing by.
Maybe we shouldn't talk in front of ? Oh no, he's a mime, he literally can't speak, that's his whole vibe.
I really wanted to wish your mom a happy birthday.
And I won't tell Jann that you and I have been hanging out at the spa together.
I can keep a secret.
- Yes.
- Okay.
Seriously, go away.
It's really nice that you came.
My mom is gonna be so happy to see you.
Thank you.
- Right.
- Okay.
Okay, you go.
Cale, you want me to take a picture of you two? No.
No, I do not.
I just thought you should know I closed a deal today.
Jann's the new face of Hyperhidrosis.
She's going to make a huge difference in the lives of sick people.
Cool, I guess.
Not as cool as your flour bomb stunt, though.
Are you being sincere? - It's almost impossible to tell.
- Yes.
This is me sincere.
I actually wish I had thought of that myself.
Now when you Google "flour bomb" you get Kardashians, Jenners, and JANN! That's the kind of status we're looking for.
Great work, Todd.
Thank you, Cale.
And actually, yes, you can take a picture of me and Rick.
Just take like a thousand.
I've never seen you smile before.
It looks weird.
Here's your present, Mom.
- Rick Mercer! - Hello, Nora.
Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
- Wow, you look the same age.
- Oh, Rick! - Come with me.
Beer, wine, vodka? - Hi.
- Hi.
This is such a cute cake.
It's so thoughtful.
So much work went into this.
No, this isn't cake.
I don't know where the hell this came from.
Excuse me, you mind throwing this in the garage? - That's not the cake? - No, this is the cake.
Oh, I didn't realise that was a cake.
Love the polish.
I always loved you in red.
- This is a really great party.
- Thank you.
- It's good to see you.
- Oh my god, is that a cake? You're kinda drunk.
Hand it over.
So when does Rick start the roast of your mom? - He's the only reason why I'm here.
- Okay, soon.
How exactly did you get Rick to perform at an elderly woman's birthday party? Rick and I go way back.
We have a very long history.
- Like what? - Like things Rick doesn't want you to know, - if you know what I mean.
- I don't.
Okay.
On here, there may or may not be a sex tape that Rick and I had the misfortune of making.
I absolutely cannot imagine what that must have looked like.
It was before I discovered the elliptical and my arse may have looked like a bag of apples.
Now the picture's coming into focus.
So you're blackmailing Rick Mercer into performing at your mother's birthday? I like it.
Just a heads up, though, if you hurt him - in ANY way, I will fight you in the street.
- Noted.
Gimme your phone.
Phone! You gotta start the live stream now, before Rick starts to perform.
- Oh, that's it.
- Yeah.
Just aim it at Rick when he speaks.
Right, okay.
- Sorry.
- No, you're busy.
Uh, where were we? I think you are wearing the perfume that I bought you on our trip to Greece.
- It's still my favourite.
- Hey! Your new charity sent a mock of the first PSA they're doing, starring YOU.
Cynthia, you have to see this.
I am the face of a new charity that is going to be helping - sick people.
- Wonderful! Alright.
- - Hyper what? Okay Oh my god! What kind of sick people am I helping? Hyperhidrosis is an excessive sweating disorder.
It affects 3% of the population, maybe more.
The numbers might be skewed, there's just so much shame attached.
Okay, gimme a break.
They can destroy a beautiful pair of leather shoes - in a matter of days.
- Ew! - - Okay! My god, I don't want my face connected to drippy armpits! - Jann! - We're here to wish Nora a happy birthday.
Not now, Mercer! Read the room! I'm really sorry about that outburst.
Things are a little bit tense right now.
- Sorry about my aunt.
- That's okay.
I'm sorry about your aunt too.
It's all good.
- Oh! - How are you feeling about tonight? You know, I have to hand it to Jann, I think she really pulled it off.
This party's great.
Damn straight.
You know that there's a burrito bar? - How many have you had? - Like five.
- Do I have to cut you off? - No, please don.
Get out of here so I can take sneaky pictures of our daughter with a TV star.
- You gonna tag me in those? - Yes.
Jann tells me you dropped out of college? Why would you do that? I mean, school isn't for the creative types like us, right? No, that's not true.
That sounds like something Jann would say.
Well, yeah.
When she said dropping out of university was the right thing to do, I was like, "Bye, further education!" Jann! You convinced your niece to drop out of college?! I'm sorry, WHAT!? - They didn't know? - No! Thank you.
- What part did you hear? - All of it.
Every bit.
- You've been lying to me? - I'm not lying to you.
Stop embarrassing yourself.
- Why are my palms so sweaty? - Maybe you have Hyperhidrosis! That's not it.
I can't believe you convinced my daughter to drop out of school! Okay, I can explain everything.
You've been lying to me? How long has this been going on? We probably should've told you a lot sooner.
Oh, hey, - nice nail polish, Max.
- Stop changing the subject.
What are the odds that you and Cynthia have identical manicures? In "Dragon's Breath", my favourite colour of polish?! - It's a coincidence.
- Hm-hm.
She's lying.
Her too.
Been secretly hanging out at a spa together.
What?! How long have you two been lying to ME? Okay, as I was saying, - this is beautiful Nora - SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, MERCER! Not the time! No one gives a crap! Honestly! Please! Okay.
- - Excuse me.
Coming through.
This has been live streaming this whole time, so you need to clear your day tomorrow 'cause we have a lot of damage control to attend to.
(BALLOON SQUEAKING) Okay, everybody get out.
Okay, bye-bye! - This better be the last copy.
- I love you.
I'm sorry, Mom.
I just wanted to give you a birthday that you'd just remember and cherish.
You should sing to her.
Would you like that, Mom? Max, will you sing Mom's song with me? Okay.
You start.
You'll remember this, Mom.
We have been together A long, long time We have been inseparable Mother mine You're my heart And that's never gonna change You're the brightest part of me Every single Day - Happy birthday, Mom.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you both.
When I said I didn't believe in psychics, I didn't realise you were a psychic.
I mean, I believe in psychics, I believe you're here and that you are a psychic, but I just never asked them anything.
How long do I have? I always felt bad about mimes because people felt that it was okay to discriminate against you, but I'm getting that now.
Wow.
What kind of roadkill do you get around here? - Coyote, elk, horses.
- Horses? Trust me, she's a friend of mine.
You now know where she lives.
Every time you drive by, knock on the door, ask her if she needs a mariachi band.