Jean Claude Van Johnson (2016) s01e04 Episode Script
If You're Lucky
1 (WHOOSHING) (ECHOING PING) (WHOOSHING) (CHEERING, WHOOPING) Drinks on me! (CHEERING) Chris.
Mmm.
You ever want to jerk off with that hand again, - I suggest you get it off my ass.
- (SNARLS) I like when you talk dirty.
Keep doing it.
(GRUNTING) MEN: Oh! MAN: Fuckin' bitch! Fuck you, man! Who the hell you think you are? I've got it from here.
(SIGHS) Your mother was cleaning your room.
She found the copies of Guns & Ammo under the bed.
I know you have certain urges it's natural but you can't let it get in the way of your gift.
Sir, I don't want to be an electrical engineer, sir.
It's not my passion, sir.
You need to face reality.
You're never gonna do what I do.
- Because I'm a girl.
- No.
Because you're too damn smart.
Your brothers, they could slice a man in half and then go out for ice cream that's not you.
Which is exactly why I should do what you do.
Instead of them.
I've decided.
I'm signing up.
Go ahead and I'll make damn sure that you spend your whole career swabbing toilets.
Someday you'll realize that I'm doing you a favor.
You're not built to do what I do.
We got to disarm that thing.
Before Dragan finds us.
(GASPS) It's too late.
Knife.
JC, I need a weapon.
You're looking at it.
Come on! (GRUNTING) (BONES CRACK) (VANESSA GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (CHOKING) (GRUNTING) (GASPING) (VANESSA CHOKING) (GASPING) (GUN COCKS) (GASPING) (ECHOING): No ! (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (TASER ZAPPING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER IN BULGARIAN) MAN (OVER RADIO): Copy that.
WOMAN: It's Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Good evening, ladies.
WOMAN: Oh, he's so handsome.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - 'Cause if you're not Really here (GLASSES CLINK) Then I don't want to be either I want to be next to you Black and gold, black and gold Black and gold Mmm, mmm Mmm I look up into the night sky You're late.
And you are as beautiful as I remember.
(SULTRY MUSIC PLAYS) Hmm.
Go upstairs.
Second room on the right, there's a balcony.
When this turns red, toss it over the edge.
What does this have to do with rescuing Luis? (VANESSA EXHALES) Just trust me.
JC.
Hey, Victor.
- Good to see you.
- How are you? I'm good.
You know, since my flight out isn't till next week, I've had the opportunity to explore Bulgaria.
Such a fascinating country.
- Incredible people.
- Always turning lemons into lemonade.
It will serve you well.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
It's good to see you, brother.
Oh, word of advice: Take the role in the musical.
Always listen to the PR people.
And don't forget to thank your father.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (CROWD WHISTLING, CHEERING) - That was lovely.
- Yeah! (LAUGHS) Yes! KRISZTINA: Oh.
Go get 'em, baby.
Ooh.
Hi, guys.
ROBOTIC VOICE: Hello.
- Hi.
Hi.
- Hello.
Hello.
My friends.
(WHOOPING, CHEERING) Are you enjoying my party? (CHEERING) You know, when I was beautiful, beautiful little boy I used to love to sneak into our town's theater to watch American action movies.
CROWD: Yeah! Yes.
And I learned two things: to speak the proper English and, more importantly, they taught me how life really works.
- (CROWD CHEERS, LAUGHS) - MAN: Fuckin' truth, truth.
- Truth.
- DRAGAN: You know, you know.
Absolutely.
You know what I mean.
Two years ago, I told United Morris Agency that I would finance a movie.
(CROWD EXCLAIMS) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Would you like to see a little taste of what we've been making? - Yes! Yes! - (APPLAUSE) Roll it.
Roll it.
MAN: Roll that shit! (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) (THUNDER RUMBLES) JEAN-CLAUDE: I pledge allegiance to kicking ass.
(THUNDER RUMBLES) This is for freedom, justice, and the Huckleberry way.
Huck, help me! Come closer, closer! Huck! WOMAN: You can't defeat the Confederacy and end slavery all by yourself.
Maybe not, but I will have to try.
(CROWD EXCLAIMS) (DOOR CLOSES) (MAN SPEAKING BULGARIAN) (GUNSHOTS) (CROWD EXCLAIMS) Fuck yes! This shit's so hot.
That was close, C-word Jim.
Ah-so, Huck-san.
(LAUGHTER) NARRATOR: This summer, it's time to get Hucked! - (THUNDER RUMBLES) - A film by Gunnar.
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) - What the fuck?! Move, move! Move! (GROANS) You're welcome.
(DEVICE BEEPS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) DRAGAN: Exciting, huh? Tom Sawyer like you've never seen her before.
(LAUGHTER) A movie can be exciting, sure.
But it cannot be exciting without a real movie star.
Ladies and gentlemen, the muscles from Brussels, Mr.
Jean-Claude Van Damme.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (WHOOPS) Thank you.
(SPEAKING BULGARIAN) (GAS HISSING) Jean-Claude, come up, my friend.
Come up.
Jean-Claude! Jean-Claude CROWD (CHANTING): Jean-Claude! Jean-Claude No, thank you.
Jean-Claude, yes, yes.
Come up, come up, come up.
No, thank you.
(DEVICE BEEPS) DRAGAN: I I mean it.
Jean-Claude, come up.
No.
(DEVICE HUMMING) (GAS HISSING) (DEVICE BEEPING RAPIDLY) BOTH: Fuck! (SHOUTING, SCREAMING) What the fuck?! What the Get out of the way! Vanessa you can come out.
How'd you know I was there? And what the hell was that ball? Don't have time to explain.
No, we're supposed to be partners.
You know I don't like it when you just tell me to Shh, shh, shh, shh.
This was always my favorite part the quiet before the storm.
Oh, uh VANESSA: Luis! Wait.
Wait! It's booby trapped.
LUIS: He's right.
This platform is calibrated to my exact weight.
If it changes one ounce more, one ounce less, the mines will explode, and I'll be vaporized.
We need to disarm that thing before Dragan realizes where we are.
It's too late.
(DOOR LOCKS) Knife.
Come on.
(CHOKING) (GRUNTING) (STRAINING) (BOTH GROANING) (SHOUTING) (EXHALES SLOWLY) (BOTH GRUNTING) (BONES CRACK) (NECK SNAPS) (KISSES) (VANESSA BREATHING SHAKILY) (SIGHS) You had no choice.
- I know.
- (SOFTLY): Okay.
Does it always feel like this? If you're lucky.
I have a plan.
I jump on, you jump off.
LUIS: I told you, this platform is calibrated to my exact weight.
You jump on here, you die.
They gave you a sandwich today.
Did you eat it? No.
Then we weigh exactly the same amount.
I've been dieting.
Trust me.
Okay.
One two three.
(GASPS) Huh.
Gracias.
How did you do that? (DOOR OPENS) - (DOOR LOCKS) - Vanessa.
Thank God.
I'm so sorry.
Someone Tasered me and locked me in the trunk of a car.
Ah! Filip? Is that you? Not this time.
Then who? I'm you from the future.
And I'm here to correct a grave error.
(GASPING IN SLOW MOTION) JEAN-CLAUDE: No! A timecop? Something like that.
If you're really me from the future, tell me something that, uh, only I would know.
You tried to fill the emptiness with fame.
It didn't work.
You have a big hole in your heart because you don't think that you will ever be loved.
(GASPS SOFTLY) Will I be loved? I hope so.
(DOOR OPENS) (FILIP GROANING) - (DOOR LOCKS) - Aah! Oh! - You.
- Aah! There you are.
You killed all my friends.
You sprained my neck, buddy.
And then you tied me to a tree deep in the woods.
Deep in the woods! Aah! Filip, stop.
- Oh.
- (BABBLING EXCITEDLY) Timecop.
(SIGHS) Timecop! Timepoliceman, technically.
Excuse me? TIMECOP JEAN-CLAUDE: Uh Timecops don't exist.
(BABBLES) No.
(FILIP GROWLS) (YELLS) (VANESSA SCREAMING) (PANTING) - Take the shot.
- What shot? I don't have the shot.
But he does.
(SCALE BEEPING) (BEEPING RAPIDLY) Oh, shit.
(YELLS) (KRISZTINA SCREAMS) They found the control room.
Get me Meni Mano.
(GROANING) (PANTING) - You okay? - Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- (GROANS) - Ooh.
- VANESSA (SOFTLY): Yeah.
- (PANTING) - You killed your future self.
Oh.
Huh.
Then I'm a looper.
At least you know how you die.
Oh.
(GASPS) (DEVICE POWERING UP) - Wait! - (GRUMBLES) Oh.
It's the only way to save my friends and to save me from you.
- Oh.
- No.
From you! Aah! - (VANESSA GASPS) - Oh! - (GRUNTS) - (VANESSA EXHALES) He's a timecop.
And now Now, that now, that's Filip now, right? (DOOR OPENS) (SLOW CLAPPING) Congratulations.
I see you've discovered my weather control room.
I spent years developing a drug empire to finance this device.
And now it's all going to pay off.
The world will be mine.
Give me the chip.
Not a chance.
Of course.
You know, one of the greatest joys of my life has been to be hunted by a secret agent.
And not just any secret agent, no.
The star of Double Impact! Which is why I have brought someone very special to fight you today.
You cannot imagine the expense of procuring a great henchman.
The search for a disturbed orphan with the right disability, the training, paying for hundreds and hundreds of prosthetic hands! - (INHALES) - (HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) But it was all worth it for this moment.
(FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE) In Bulgaria, he is known as Meni Mano, which is slang for a man who smashes things with great big stone fists.
But I like to keep things simple.
Let me introduce Marble Hands.
As they say in American romantic comedies, he is everything I never knew I always wanted.
If you're a fan, you should know what happens next, right? Oh.
Perhaps in your prime, Jean-Claude.
But look around you.
This is the real world.
Good-bye, Mr.
Van Damme.
(GROWLING) (GRUNTS) (INHALES SHARPLY) Ooh.
(DRAGAN LAUGHS) (SHOUTS) Oh! (GROANS) DRAGAN: Ooh (GASPS) (LAUGHS) Get him! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (YELLS) (GRUNTING) (GROANS) Meni Mano, get up! DRAGAN (ECHOING): Get up, Meni Mano! (GASPS) Dim mak? El toque muerte.
The death touch.
(JEAN-CLAUDE YELLING) (GRUNTS) (GASPS) JEAN-CLAUDE: Got to go? Let me give you a hand.
(GRUNTS) (MOANS) (GRUNTS, SIGHS) Hey.
- Not now.
- Huh? She's all right? Before you came in here, she killed him.
It was her first.
She can never go back now.
Where are you going? All she ever wanted was to be a part of this world, and I just want to escape it.
I quit.
Luis, please.
You're a good person.
I can see it on your face.
You don't know anything about me.
MAN: Please exit in an orderly fashion.
Exit this way, please.
Krisztina, have you seen Vanessa? Um, I I think I saw her walk outside.
Vanessa, wait, wait! Wait.
(SIGHS) You can't blame yourself.
It's just the job.
It's just a job to you.
That's how you justify the things you've done.
But I need more.
I need to know I do this for a reason.
He had a knife.
You're not listening to me.
You never listen to me.
JEAN-CLAUDE: Wait.
The other version of you, the one from the future he said you have a hole in your heart, and he's right.
And I've learned I can't fill that hole.
It's too big.
JEAN-CLAUDE: Vanessa.
Vanessa, I never ask for nobody's help in my life.
Nobody.
I need you.
You understand? I need you.
That's not love.
Just let me go.
(ENGINE STARTS) You got me all wrong You left me underwater To tumble and fall So many years ago You got me all wrong You got me all wrong You got me all wrong You got me all wrong.
Mmm.
You ever want to jerk off with that hand again, - I suggest you get it off my ass.
- (SNARLS) I like when you talk dirty.
Keep doing it.
(GRUNTING) MEN: Oh! MAN: Fuckin' bitch! Fuck you, man! Who the hell you think you are? I've got it from here.
(SIGHS) Your mother was cleaning your room.
She found the copies of Guns & Ammo under the bed.
I know you have certain urges it's natural but you can't let it get in the way of your gift.
Sir, I don't want to be an electrical engineer, sir.
It's not my passion, sir.
You need to face reality.
You're never gonna do what I do.
- Because I'm a girl.
- No.
Because you're too damn smart.
Your brothers, they could slice a man in half and then go out for ice cream that's not you.
Which is exactly why I should do what you do.
Instead of them.
I've decided.
I'm signing up.
Go ahead and I'll make damn sure that you spend your whole career swabbing toilets.
Someday you'll realize that I'm doing you a favor.
You're not built to do what I do.
We got to disarm that thing.
Before Dragan finds us.
(GASPS) It's too late.
Knife.
JC, I need a weapon.
You're looking at it.
Come on! (GRUNTING) (BONES CRACK) (VANESSA GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (CHOKING) (GRUNTING) (GASPING) (VANESSA CHOKING) (GASPING) (GUN COCKS) (GASPING) (ECHOING): No ! (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (TASER ZAPPING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER IN BULGARIAN) MAN (OVER RADIO): Copy that.
WOMAN: It's Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Good evening, ladies.
WOMAN: Oh, he's so handsome.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - 'Cause if you're not Really here (GLASSES CLINK) Then I don't want to be either I want to be next to you Black and gold, black and gold Black and gold Mmm, mmm Mmm I look up into the night sky You're late.
And you are as beautiful as I remember.
(SULTRY MUSIC PLAYS) Hmm.
Go upstairs.
Second room on the right, there's a balcony.
When this turns red, toss it over the edge.
What does this have to do with rescuing Luis? (VANESSA EXHALES) Just trust me.
JC.
Hey, Victor.
- Good to see you.
- How are you? I'm good.
You know, since my flight out isn't till next week, I've had the opportunity to explore Bulgaria.
Such a fascinating country.
- Incredible people.
- Always turning lemons into lemonade.
It will serve you well.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
It's good to see you, brother.
Oh, word of advice: Take the role in the musical.
Always listen to the PR people.
And don't forget to thank your father.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (CROWD WHISTLING, CHEERING) - That was lovely.
- Yeah! (LAUGHS) Yes! KRISZTINA: Oh.
Go get 'em, baby.
Ooh.
Hi, guys.
ROBOTIC VOICE: Hello.
- Hi.
Hi.
- Hello.
Hello.
My friends.
(WHOOPING, CHEERING) Are you enjoying my party? (CHEERING) You know, when I was beautiful, beautiful little boy I used to love to sneak into our town's theater to watch American action movies.
CROWD: Yeah! Yes.
And I learned two things: to speak the proper English and, more importantly, they taught me how life really works.
- (CROWD CHEERS, LAUGHS) - MAN: Fuckin' truth, truth.
- Truth.
- DRAGAN: You know, you know.
Absolutely.
You know what I mean.
Two years ago, I told United Morris Agency that I would finance a movie.
(CROWD EXCLAIMS) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Would you like to see a little taste of what we've been making? - Yes! Yes! - (APPLAUSE) Roll it.
Roll it.
MAN: Roll that shit! (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) (THUNDER RUMBLES) JEAN-CLAUDE: I pledge allegiance to kicking ass.
(THUNDER RUMBLES) This is for freedom, justice, and the Huckleberry way.
Huck, help me! Come closer, closer! Huck! WOMAN: You can't defeat the Confederacy and end slavery all by yourself.
Maybe not, but I will have to try.
(CROWD EXCLAIMS) (DOOR CLOSES) (MAN SPEAKING BULGARIAN) (GUNSHOTS) (CROWD EXCLAIMS) Fuck yes! This shit's so hot.
That was close, C-word Jim.
Ah-so, Huck-san.
(LAUGHTER) NARRATOR: This summer, it's time to get Hucked! - (THUNDER RUMBLES) - A film by Gunnar.
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) - What the fuck?! Move, move! Move! (GROANS) You're welcome.
(DEVICE BEEPS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) DRAGAN: Exciting, huh? Tom Sawyer like you've never seen her before.
(LAUGHTER) A movie can be exciting, sure.
But it cannot be exciting without a real movie star.
Ladies and gentlemen, the muscles from Brussels, Mr.
Jean-Claude Van Damme.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (WHOOPS) Thank you.
(SPEAKING BULGARIAN) (GAS HISSING) Jean-Claude, come up, my friend.
Come up.
Jean-Claude! Jean-Claude CROWD (CHANTING): Jean-Claude! Jean-Claude No, thank you.
Jean-Claude, yes, yes.
Come up, come up, come up.
No, thank you.
(DEVICE BEEPS) DRAGAN: I I mean it.
Jean-Claude, come up.
No.
(DEVICE HUMMING) (GAS HISSING) (DEVICE BEEPING RAPIDLY) BOTH: Fuck! (SHOUTING, SCREAMING) What the fuck?! What the Get out of the way! Vanessa you can come out.
How'd you know I was there? And what the hell was that ball? Don't have time to explain.
No, we're supposed to be partners.
You know I don't like it when you just tell me to Shh, shh, shh, shh.
This was always my favorite part the quiet before the storm.
Oh, uh VANESSA: Luis! Wait.
Wait! It's booby trapped.
LUIS: He's right.
This platform is calibrated to my exact weight.
If it changes one ounce more, one ounce less, the mines will explode, and I'll be vaporized.
We need to disarm that thing before Dragan realizes where we are.
It's too late.
(DOOR LOCKS) Knife.
Come on.
(CHOKING) (GRUNTING) (STRAINING) (BOTH GROANING) (SHOUTING) (EXHALES SLOWLY) (BOTH GRUNTING) (BONES CRACK) (NECK SNAPS) (KISSES) (VANESSA BREATHING SHAKILY) (SIGHS) You had no choice.
- I know.
- (SOFTLY): Okay.
Does it always feel like this? If you're lucky.
I have a plan.
I jump on, you jump off.
LUIS: I told you, this platform is calibrated to my exact weight.
You jump on here, you die.
They gave you a sandwich today.
Did you eat it? No.
Then we weigh exactly the same amount.
I've been dieting.
Trust me.
Okay.
One two three.
(GASPS) Huh.
Gracias.
How did you do that? (DOOR OPENS) - (DOOR LOCKS) - Vanessa.
Thank God.
I'm so sorry.
Someone Tasered me and locked me in the trunk of a car.
Ah! Filip? Is that you? Not this time.
Then who? I'm you from the future.
And I'm here to correct a grave error.
(GASPING IN SLOW MOTION) JEAN-CLAUDE: No! A timecop? Something like that.
If you're really me from the future, tell me something that, uh, only I would know.
You tried to fill the emptiness with fame.
It didn't work.
You have a big hole in your heart because you don't think that you will ever be loved.
(GASPS SOFTLY) Will I be loved? I hope so.
(DOOR OPENS) (FILIP GROANING) - (DOOR LOCKS) - Aah! Oh! - You.
- Aah! There you are.
You killed all my friends.
You sprained my neck, buddy.
And then you tied me to a tree deep in the woods.
Deep in the woods! Aah! Filip, stop.
- Oh.
- (BABBLING EXCITEDLY) Timecop.
(SIGHS) Timecop! Timepoliceman, technically.
Excuse me? TIMECOP JEAN-CLAUDE: Uh Timecops don't exist.
(BABBLES) No.
(FILIP GROWLS) (YELLS) (VANESSA SCREAMING) (PANTING) - Take the shot.
- What shot? I don't have the shot.
But he does.
(SCALE BEEPING) (BEEPING RAPIDLY) Oh, shit.
(YELLS) (KRISZTINA SCREAMS) They found the control room.
Get me Meni Mano.
(GROANING) (PANTING) - You okay? - Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- (GROANS) - Ooh.
- VANESSA (SOFTLY): Yeah.
- (PANTING) - You killed your future self.
Oh.
Huh.
Then I'm a looper.
At least you know how you die.
Oh.
(GASPS) (DEVICE POWERING UP) - Wait! - (GRUMBLES) Oh.
It's the only way to save my friends and to save me from you.
- Oh.
- No.
From you! Aah! - (VANESSA GASPS) - Oh! - (GRUNTS) - (VANESSA EXHALES) He's a timecop.
And now Now, that now, that's Filip now, right? (DOOR OPENS) (SLOW CLAPPING) Congratulations.
I see you've discovered my weather control room.
I spent years developing a drug empire to finance this device.
And now it's all going to pay off.
The world will be mine.
Give me the chip.
Not a chance.
Of course.
You know, one of the greatest joys of my life has been to be hunted by a secret agent.
And not just any secret agent, no.
The star of Double Impact! Which is why I have brought someone very special to fight you today.
You cannot imagine the expense of procuring a great henchman.
The search for a disturbed orphan with the right disability, the training, paying for hundreds and hundreds of prosthetic hands! - (INHALES) - (HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) But it was all worth it for this moment.
(FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE) In Bulgaria, he is known as Meni Mano, which is slang for a man who smashes things with great big stone fists.
But I like to keep things simple.
Let me introduce Marble Hands.
As they say in American romantic comedies, he is everything I never knew I always wanted.
If you're a fan, you should know what happens next, right? Oh.
Perhaps in your prime, Jean-Claude.
But look around you.
This is the real world.
Good-bye, Mr.
Van Damme.
(GROWLING) (GRUNTS) (INHALES SHARPLY) Ooh.
(DRAGAN LAUGHS) (SHOUTS) Oh! (GROANS) DRAGAN: Ooh (GASPS) (LAUGHS) Get him! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (YELLS) (GRUNTING) (GROANS) Meni Mano, get up! DRAGAN (ECHOING): Get up, Meni Mano! (GASPS) Dim mak? El toque muerte.
The death touch.
(JEAN-CLAUDE YELLING) (GRUNTS) (GASPS) JEAN-CLAUDE: Got to go? Let me give you a hand.
(GRUNTS) (MOANS) (GRUNTS, SIGHS) Hey.
- Not now.
- Huh? She's all right? Before you came in here, she killed him.
It was her first.
She can never go back now.
Where are you going? All she ever wanted was to be a part of this world, and I just want to escape it.
I quit.
Luis, please.
You're a good person.
I can see it on your face.
You don't know anything about me.
MAN: Please exit in an orderly fashion.
Exit this way, please.
Krisztina, have you seen Vanessa? Um, I I think I saw her walk outside.
Vanessa, wait, wait! Wait.
(SIGHS) You can't blame yourself.
It's just the job.
It's just a job to you.
That's how you justify the things you've done.
But I need more.
I need to know I do this for a reason.
He had a knife.
You're not listening to me.
You never listen to me.
JEAN-CLAUDE: Wait.
The other version of you, the one from the future he said you have a hole in your heart, and he's right.
And I've learned I can't fill that hole.
It's too big.
JEAN-CLAUDE: Vanessa.
Vanessa, I never ask for nobody's help in my life.
Nobody.
I need you.
You understand? I need you.
That's not love.
Just let me go.
(ENGINE STARTS) You got me all wrong You left me underwater To tumble and fall So many years ago You got me all wrong You got me all wrong You got me all wrong You got me all wrong.