Jerk (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
Are you going to be OK without me?
Er, yeah, I'll be fine.
The Venn diagram of people
who need care
and people with Xboxes is
pretty big.
This programme contains
very strong language
Do you have children?
Yes, I do.
Little miracles.
I always dreamt of bringing
my son to Great Britain.
Timmy.
Timmy.
So I saved up.
I sold the car
and I bought two tickets,
with all the money that I had.
And you know what?
The flight almost killed him.
Bending his little broken body
into your tiny little seats!
He spent the whole week in bed.
We didn't see anything.
Not a palace, not a bridge,
not a double decker bus.
So, I ask you as
one mother to another
..could I get
a motherfucking upgrade?
Guess who got us a fucking upgrade!
You, Timmy!
Finally the upside to him
kicking the seat in front of us.
Hey, Tim.
I've written a note
for your next carer.
It's just a bit of
professional handover.
"To whom it may concern"
Ah, very professional.
"This is Tim."
"He likes long walks,
"occasional treats,
and tickles on his tum."
Hey!
This is fucked up!
You just crossed out
"bastard" at the top.
Yeah, well, it all
seemed applicable.
"He is also prone
to embarrassing erections."
Oh, yeah. You can just cross out
"embarrassing."
I will.
Right, well
Come on, then.
Come on, sweetie.
Wait! Guys! Hang on!
Hang on.
I've done it.
I've actually done it.
Hey, Idris, have you been fired?
Fired? No, I'm just taking
some annual leave.
I say annual leave, it's sort of
forced indefinite annual leave.
So
So, yeah, kind of fired.
I hope that wasn't cos of me.
No, no, no. Not just you.
There's actually quite
a few people I didn't manage
to get jobs for.
It's good, though. It means I can
spend some more quality time here
in Timmy Town.
That sounds disgusting!
Like one of those villages
in Cambodia
where paedophilia's
only frowned upon.
No, no. I just mean I'd actually
like to devote some time to try
and sort out your situation.
You can trust me.
Yeah? That's what the tourists
in Cambodia say.
We're all here to help,
aren't we, Ruth? What?
Here to help.
Yes. Uh-huh.
I am tidying.
Hey, Tim.
Yeah? This just came for you.
"Dear Mr. Renkow, your visa has
expired and you are due to leave
"the country within ten days."
Ten days?
It was posted eight days ago.
I mean, they probably sent it
fourth class or something.
I mean, it can't be that serious,
though, can it?
If it was serious,
they would have sent reminders
and final warnings and
Oh! Tim!
These just came for you.
What? Are you kidding?
Ruth, what
Tim, they'll be coming for you.
What were you thinking?
Right, OK! I hold my hands up!
This is Idris's fault.
Yeah. If he'd have found you a job.
What?
You really let me down, buddy.
Can I appeal? Appeal?
Tim, these people won't
let you appeal,
they just this throw you out,
they don't It's on the back.
It's in bold.
"..To this address, or in person
at the court offices."
It's outrageous.
Come on. We haven't got
a moment to lose. Get your coats.
What are you doing? Come on.
Time is our enemy, people.
Gravity is my enemy.
I've had the pleasure of knowing
Mr. Renko through a tireless journey
to find employment for a man,
who, though hampered physically,
is probably one of the
strongest, most emotionally, no,
spiritually-able people I've ever
had the privilege to call a friend.
All he wants is to live
amongst our people.
To live, to love, and for that basic
human right, to work.
All visa and immigration issues
on the first floor, left downstairs.
But you need an appointment,
and they're closed today.
You nailed it, buddy!
What if I
..faked my own death?
I mean, I'm pretty much dead
on the inside anyway.
Or Idris's death.
How would that help?
Just fantasising.
Well, I better call my mom.
Tell her to get my room ready.
What, ask her to just
throw shit everywhere? Yeah!
Thank you.
Baby! If it isn't my little one
in a million!
And I don't mean that in a good way!
Hey, you OK, Timmy?
All good, Mom.
Except, they are kicking me out.
Oh, shit.
I was expecting that ever since
you fucked up that marriage thing.
I mean, we all can't be
Meghan fucking Markle, can we?
So, when do you have to leave?
Er tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Jesus, fuck!
Well, my Uncle Thomas
will be pissed.
He wanted you to go visit.
What?
Yeah, I got some freaky uncle
in Europe.
You know, from my
asshole father's side.
Oh. Well, you know for a long time
how I thought my dad
was Brad, or Uncle Kenny,
or Principal Smith?
You know how your nana liked
to fuck around.
Ah, irrepressible Nana.
But near the end, dear old Nana
told me that it was a guy she met
from "Lan Doh No."
I thought it was
the morphine talking
I'm sorry, Mrs. Renko,
do you mean Llandudno?
Cos that's a real place, that's in
Wales.
That's where That's where
all my family are from.
Yeah, well, his brother contacted me
out of the blue
and I said you'd fly over there
to go meet him.
Mom, you didn't think to mention
this earlier?
What, some Welsh creep?
Why?
Mom! Wales is in Great Britain.
Are you serious?
I thought it was
like in Scotland somewhere.
It's also Great Britain.
Just. Tim, this could be it.
I mean, if your grandfather's
British-born, then you're eligible
for residency.
And then me not getting you a job
isn't such a massive fail.
No, it's still a massive fail.
I mean, I think he's some
broke asshole Welsh dude,
but you never know.
You might get lucky.
Thanks, Mom. Love you!
I love you too.
Ta-ta!
Fuck!
Wow. You lucky little twat.
Rich friends!
Imagine how long it takes
to clean that bastard.
Of course you would have
to imagine cleaning.
You think they're royalty?
Do you think I might be a king?
That would make me the
Royal Ass Wiper.
Hello?
Oh, come through, come through.
Fucking hell!
Check out the family resemblance.
Tim, you've got the same walker.
I know. We're like twins.
Well, now. You must be Tim.
I'm Thomas Cadwalla.
And these are your friends,
are they?
Yes. This is Ruth, she's my carer.
Enchante.
Creepy.
This is Idris,
he's just some guy
that tried to get me a job once.
It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.
My family are all from Wales,
so might I say
Beg your pardon?
Oh, yes.
What the hell's he talking about?
Oh, ignore him. He's an idiot.
So, shall we take a look around?
You must be dying to show
us your valuables.
Please, please, please. Come in.
Hey, that guy looks
a little like me,
and a bit like Jesus.
You don't think?
Hang on.
So, we've gone from trying to prove
that you're a quarter British
to thinking you're actually
the King of England,
to thinking you might
be the Son of God?
This Who Do You Think You Are?
Really shits on Danny Dyer's.
Oh, you know, it's so good
to meet up with family again.
I do feel very isolated
here in Glendilith Hall.
Oh, you live alone?
Yes. Right.
I mean, we're actually here
to talk about your brother.
My grandfather. Are these expensive?
The thing is, Tim's due
to be deported tomorrow, so
Oh, yes, yes.
Well, I know of course
you want to speak about Geraint.
Yes. While I'm still young
and legally here.
Well, what's to say?
He was a thieving alcoholic,
vile son of a bitch!
He knocked your nana up in Vegas,
if I'm not mistaken.
Apparently, yeah.
I was with him on that trip,
you know.
He told me he met some showgirl
that nearly killed him.
She had the sexual stamina
of a rhinoceros!
That's my nana!
I'm really sorry, sir, we just..
Oh, yes, yes, I know.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Look, why don't you all stay and
have some dinner here in the hall?
Yes!
Yes, we would.
That's wonderful.
Come on, then, follow me.
Tim, I have watched enough
Bargain Hunt, Cash In The Attic
and Storage Hunters to know
that this place
is dripping with Bobby Dazzlers.
I literally have no idea
what you're saying.
It's a gold mine, Timbo!
And if my carer senses are correct,
Thomas, he's, what, 87,
with a dicky heart and has
about four, five months left,
maybe.
AKA, the perfect husband.
Nice one, Anna Nicole!
Shut up. He's fit.
And by fit, I mean really old
and really frail.
Here we are, then.
The parlour.
Ooh! Parlour!
Oh.
We had some fabulous parties here
in the past, you know.
Crystal glasses,
decanters of brandy.
Ker-fucking-ching, pal!
So, do you think you
can help us track down Geraint?
Oh, of course, I haven't seen him
in donkey's years.
Yeah. Well, after that Vegas trip
he took himself off to Germany.
Of course, you had to flee
from there in the '40s.
Oh, right, you're Jewish?
No, Geraint went over there to join
the Nazis.
Swore allegiance to the fatherland,
renounced his British citizenship.
If he's not a British citizen,
he's of no use to me.
You know, he was, er
He was pretty up-front about people
like you.
Thought you should be exterminated.
Christ That, er
Well, I mean, that really is super
unlucky, isn't it?
You find out you've got a British
grandfather, then you realise
that he's switched nationalities,
then realising that he would've
happily put you in a gas chamber.
Yeah. Bummer.
But you know what they say -
when one door closes,
another door opens.
What? Thomas
..you come and sit here next to me.
Tim, you sit over there like our
son,
and, Idris, you can sit
on the floor.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, we're not eating in here.
Come on, follow me.
Come on in, come on in.
Sit yourselves down.
I'll throw some ready meals
into the microwave.
Erm, what's going on?
Well, this is where I live.
Well, I can't afford to heat
this big old house.
The place is nothing but dead.
What?
That's why I had to fill the place
with all that tourist tat.
What about all the other stuff,
the ornaments?
The vases and things?
Worthless, I'm afraid.
Look, hang on.
You made us believe that
you were rich and close to death.
I mean, you're probably not
even ill. I'm as fit as a fiddle.
What are you on about?
Mr. Cadwalla, I think we'll probably
be heading off now, so
Don't want you to stay for some
lasagne? No, we fucking don't.
Well, I've got rice pudding.
Yeah, we'll have that, and a spoon.
Come on.
Bye, Unkie Tom. It's nice meeting
you.
It's great to meet you.
Well, as we Welsh say HE SPEAKS WELSH
Well! That was fun.
Airport? Might as well.
No, all's not lost yet, guys.
This whole experience has
has given me an idea.
I just need to get back and talk
to my boss about something.
Come on! To London.
Twat.
Keep? Nah.
Keep?
Maybe.
Keep? Obviously!
So, cab's coming in three hours.
Is there anything you want
to do before you go?
Good Dancers
by The Sleepy Jackson
want
talk
Mr. Sealy?
I need to talk to you about
Timothy Renkow, right now.
Wait! Guys! Just hang on.
Hang on.
I've done it.
I've actually done it.
Wait. What? So, Tim can stay?
I went back to talk to my boss,
told him about everything
you've been through, about how hard
we've tried to get you work
and, you know, how your physical
condition had held you back. And?
And he said I could
have my job back.
What? Yeah, I've got my job back.
That's it?
Yeah, well, it's less money,
and I don't think I have a desk now.
But, yeah.
Back in the game.
Brilliant! Yeah.
So, nothing that can help Tim stay?
Well
I don't know, I'm not a miracle
worker.
You know they say though -
one door closes, another one opens.
They sure do, Idris.
See you later.
Yeah. You stay in touch, yeah?
This is the final call
for flight AA214 to New York.
All right, sweetie, let's go home.
Bye. Laters.
Allahu akbar!
Idris, you have so much to learn.
Let's start with the clothes,
the glasses,
the attitude, the accent
and probably the name.