Joan (2024) s01e04 Episode Script

1
What's the set-up?
It's perfect.
House is miles from anywhere.
'It's definitely a real Stubbs?'
'Yeah. Worth thousands.'
Out of my way!
Move, or I'll blow your brains out!
'You've gotta let me in, Boisie.
'Men have been pushing me around
my whole life.'
I won't have it any more.
I'm still waiting for a visit
from the social worker.
'I'm desperate
to get my little girl back.'
What do you want, Joan?
A normal life.
Can you act? With you on my arm,
anything's possible.
I want an 18-carat four-claw mount
with the fake set in.
You love all this, don't you?
Dressing up pretending.
'I can't get that cute little ring
out of my mind.'
It's an exceptional piece.
Thought you really were
a green-eyed monster for a minute.
You like him, though?
Yeah, I do. I think he's great.
Marry me?
Yeah. YES!
Yes. Crack the champers!
I've got something
I need to tell you.
What?
The Ashburys have asked us
if they can adopt Kelly.
It's just a request at the moment.
You're her mother,
and no-one's doing anything
without due process.
We do always try to keep children
with their mothers.
It's really important that Kelly
moves back into a settled,
stable environment.
And right now, we're not convinced
you can provide that.
Come on, then,
let's get you that sparkler.
Morning.
There we are.
Perfect engagement ring.
Nice.
It's gorgeous.
I love it.
Do you think Kelly will like it?
I can't believe she's gonna be here
in a couple of hours.
I can't believe
I handed over good money for it.
I'm not nicking
my own engagement ring, am I?
Forty grand, Joan?
It's bad luck to start marriage
with stolen goods.
Oh, but it's all right if the cash
came from the 65 grand we got
from selling a ring
you did half-inch?
Mm.
Yeah?
Are you saying I'm not worth it?
Hm? Cos we both know I am.
Love that.
All right, Boisie?
What can I do you for?
DS Harris.
You heard anything about
an art theft in Sussex?
Not a word.
A George Stubbs got nicked,
and a gun was involved.
Oh, yeah?
You won't mind if we look inside?
Don't suppose you've heard any
whispers?
Me? Why would I?
They must know something, Boisie.
That's just what they do.
They check all the antique shops
in the area.
Yeah,
but how long are they gonna take?
I mean, what if Kelly
comes back early? Stop.
It's going to be fine.
Don't let the door
hit your arse on the way out.
We've gotta get rid
of that painting.
I'm working on it.
Never mind "working on it".
We can't sell it now, can we?
Just chuck it in the river.
I can't fight Kelly's adoption
with the police sniffing around.
They didn't find anything.
Yeah, but if they do,
it's a direct link between us
and the robbery.
Can you calm down? We carry on
as normal, it'll blow over.
Are you fucking serious?
What do you suggest, Joan?
We go straight.
What?
We run this place
completely legit from now on.
There ain't an antiques shop in
the world that's completely legit.
Yes, but we need the social
to think we're a normal couple.
We're not, though, are we?
I mean it, Boisie.
So, no more diamonds, no more furs?
And what will you do all day?
I'll work in the shop.
Put that out. They'll give her
the third degree when she gets back.
She's a kid.
Well, she ain't stupid,
I'm telling you now.
Hello!
Hi, Kel. Come in, come in.
Hi, sweetheart. How are you?
When did you get that big?
You must be Boisie.
Mrs May.
And you must be Kelly.
Kels, this is Boisie.
Boisie, this is the most beautiful
girl in all the world.
Right, I'll be back later
to get you for your tea.
Oh, don't worry,
I've got loads in for her.
Burgers. Hot dogs.
You still like hot dogs, don't you?
Course she does.
Who doesn't like hot dogs?
Bye-bye, Kelly.
Bye. Thank you.
Let me get the door for you.
Thank you. Oops. Ha.
Right.
So, today, we are gonna go
and see Auntie Nancy,
and she has a big treat for you!
# 'Love Action'
by The Human League
# When you're in love
You know you're in love #
And spin! Whoo! Go, Kelly!
# No matter what you try to do #
Whee-hee!
# Resign yourself
# To what you're going through
# If you're a hard man
Or if you're a child
# It still might get to you #
Kel. Kelly, say cheese.
Cheese.
Yay!
Kelly! Grab anything you fancy.
Stop fussing.
I need this to go well.
It is going well.
I want her back, Boisie.
We have to go straight.
It's not that simple.
Yes, it is.
I have to do this for her.
You understand that, right?
Yeah. I get it.
So you'll get rid
of that painting, then, yeah?
I got the chocolate one! Look.
Aw.
My goodness.
Do you know what this means?
That Mummy likes diamonds?
Clever girl.
But it also means I've asked
your mum if she'll marry me.
And then you'll come
and live with us,
and we'll be a proper family again.
A fresh start.
Am I coming to the wedding?
Of course.
You'll be my chief bridesmaid,
obviously.
You and Aunty Nancy.
You'll have pretty frocks, flowers.
Will I get flowers in my hair?
Well, I mean,
you can't be a bridesmaid
without bloody flowers in your hair,
can you?
Well, look
I might be able to put
a bit more cash in your direction,
if you're interested?
I need a buyer for something.
Sharpish.
All right.
What we talking about?
A Stubbs painting.
You nicked that?
Yeah, me and Joan.
Police are asking
a lot of questions about it.
Why I need a buyer.
None of the usual suspects
are gonna touch anything that hot.
Can you think
of any unusual suspects?
Maybe.
Yeah?
For
..25%.
25?!
Risky.
Do me a favour.
Risky, risky, risky this one, Boise.
Very risky.
All right, all right,
save the spiel, mate,
I know you're broke.
Who've you got in mind?
Darling?
The Irish.
IRA?
They've always got money to spend.
What are a bunch of terrorists
gonna do
with a painting of a fucking horse?
Hang it on their wall?
They always need to buy things
from abroad, right?
Yeah, guns and explosives.
Look, they have trouble
moving money overseas.
But But art,
it's a different kettle of fish.
You think we can trust people
like that?
I think that we can trust the fact
that they always need things
to shift.
And a Stubbs is perfect.
So, is it yes, or no?
What are you doing?
Needs restoration,
but before that,
there can't be a grain of dirt,
or it'll get trapped.
Why don't you clean the tea sets?
There are some special cloths.
Yeah.
Working in the shop was your idea,
remember?
Mm-hm.
Yeah, to make sure I get Kelly back.
You know what we should do?
I'm all ears.
We should turn this place into
a jewellers.
It's not enough to like sparklers
to run a jewellers, Joan.
You have to know about 'em.
And not just that stuff
you learned to parrot.
Proper deep knowledge.
Fine, I'll learn.
How you gonna do that, then?
I want to be fully qualified.
Then you'll have to do
the foundation course
which is £2,250.
Do you take cash?
Ready for the big day tomorrow,
Boisie?
Yeah,
Joan's got it all under control.
- Nice place you've got here.
- Albie's mate's letting us use it.
Till I get myself sorted.
Won't be long.
Fingers crossed.
Give us a shout
if you want anything else.
Thanks, Val.
Can't believe you spent
five grand on a wedding ring.
And 40 on an engagement ring.
You're going soft, Boise.
Yeah, I couldn't nick 'em -
Joan wants us to go straight.
What women want and what they get
are two different things.
I've been telling Val
I'm going straight for years.
Joan's different, though.
Too right.
Well, here's a day
I thought I'd never see -
you getting married.
Yeah, and to someone
you actually like.
What?
It's just a bit quick.
Do you know him well enough?
I do, yeah.
We can say anything to one another.
There's no secrets.
So, you're gonna sell the Stubbs
to the Irish?
Yeah.
Well, you'll need someone
to say it's not a fake.
And it's gotta be an expert.
They're no mugs.
Mas cervezas?
Thanks, Val.
These ones done?
Yeah. Yeah.
Nice one, babe.
I was thinking Hugo at Abney's.
He's the one that gave me
the tip-off in the first place. Hm.
Trust him?
Enough.
'I've got a little something
for you.'
Hmm.
Are they real?
Course they're bloody real.
Got Kelly a necklace, as well.
I wish she was here.
You'd think the social would let her
stay the night.
It's not allowed,
while they're still talking about
bloody adoption.
Can you imagine what
Mum and Dad would say?
Oh, don't start.
I just wish you'd invited them,
so they could see
how well you're doing, and Kelly.
No, that man is not coming
within a mile of my daughter.
He's too ill to hurt a fly
these days.
It's never gonna happen.
CHINKS GLASS
May I present my beautiful,
talented wife.
Let's hear it for Mrs Hannington.
You're not so bad yourself.
Just don't expect me
to honour and obey, OK?
Er, speech, Boise, speech!
Come on.
You know, I'm a man of few words.
Only when it comes
to the Old Bill, Boisie.
Only words he knows down the nick
are "no" and "comment".
So I'll keep it brief.
Thank God for that.
If you'll let me get a word in
All I want to say is
I'm very grateful to you all
for coming
and helping us celebrate today.
I can honestly say
I have never been happier.
So, here's to you.
To Boisie and Joan.
Boisie and Joan.
I love you.
I love you.
# 'I'm So Excited'
by The Pointer Sisters
# Tonight's the night
We're gonna make it happen
# Tonight we'll put
All other things aside
# Give in this time
And show me some affection
# We're goin' for those pleasures
In the night
# I want to love you, feel you
# Wrap myself around you
I want to squeeze you, please you
# I just can't get enough
# And if you move #
Are you all right?
Lots of noise
and people you don't know, eh?
Joan!
Come on!
Come and dance with us.
Not gonna leave her
on her own, am I?
Which one's your favourite?
Tell me he hasn't got the hump
cos you've gotta look after
your own daughter?
Oh, mind your own.
Keep your hair on.
How about you keep your nose out?
First off, you're telling me
I don't know him well enough
And do you?
What was all that crap
about the police and "no comment"?
If you're not banging on
about Boisie,
you are on one about Dad.
He'd be proud of you now.
Proud?
You know as well as I do
that if he were here,
he'd be finding fault in everything,
just like he's done
since the day I was born.
You were the apple of his eye.
Yeah, till I turned 12.
Joan, you were a tearaway,
he was old-fashioned.
He didn't know how to handle you.
I wasn't a tearaway,
I was a runaway, and you know why.
Why do you pretend like
you don't know what he did to me?
I've still got the scars
to prove it.
Not in front of Kelly. Oh, no,
she's gonna grow up understanding
that it's not all right for a man
to behave like he did.
And it's not all right
for other people
to make out like it didn't happen.
You and Mum are as bad
as each other, you know that?
So, you'll dance with Albie
but not your husband?
Kelly needs her. You can see that.
How about you take Kelly
back to the Ashburys', eh?
They're staying nearby.
You don't wanna go yet, do you?
I'm tired.
'Ere you are, ten minutes in a taxi.
No, I want Kel here.
Yeah, but she doesn't wanna be here,
does she?
Nancy?
Give your mum a kiss, Kel.
You all right?
Yeah? Good girl.
Come with Auntie Nancy.
She'll be all right. Come on.
CHEERING
Judging the value of a gem stone
is complex, of course,
and much depends
on the type of stone,
but the number one factor
will always be durability.
No matter how beautiful
a stone looks,
the most important characteristic
is how long it will endure.
And do we know which stones
are the most durable?
Diamonds.
Actually, no.
Anyone else?
At the back.
Jade?
Correct.
Could you tell us why?
Well,
diamonds are the hardest stones,
but they have perfect cleavage,
so they can split in two
more easily than jade.
You'd say, then, that we should look
to avoid cleavage in a diamond?
I wouldn't go that far.
So, if we're prepared
to excuse cleavage in our diamonds,
how do we value them?
The first question
we must always ask ourselves
is are these diamonds real?
And if we're talking about
uncut stones,
we're going to answer that
by checking for any tiny inclusions,
or, in layman's terms, flaws.
Because a flawless uncut diamond
is a fake.
All you've got to do
is tell them
the painting's genuine, which it is.
I can't.
You've done it loads of times
before for me.
Not this one.
You'll get your usual fee, plus 10%.
I value my kneecaps more, Boisie.
So, you don't want that grand
for the initial tip-off, then?
You're getting nothing
if I can't sell it.
I know you need that cash.
Just find someone else, Boisie,
for God's sake.
For one thing,
I'd never pull it off. Look at me.
Hm?
I'll screw it up.
They'll see I'm a wreck,
and they won't believe me.
OK.
If I find someone else,
then you need to get them plotted
in here.
The Irish will want to know
they're kosher.
And what will I tell my boss?
Say I dunno,
they're here to train.
Hugo, you can say anything you like,
I don't care.
If you want that grand,
this is what's happening.
And I need you to tell 'em
everything there is to know
about George fucking Stubbs.
Well, they'll need to be
word-bloody-perfect. Listen
there is no way
this is coming back on me.
'This is the one
I'm not sure is genuine.'
I think I can see the smallest flaw,
but
Some inclusions are
extremely hard to detect
with magnification alone,
so checking for fluorescents
with a UV torch
can be very helpful.
Hm?
Hm.
Have another look.
Do you see an inclusion?
I can, yeah.
That means?
It's real.
You gonna tell me what's up?
I've found a buyer for the Stubbs.
We agreed that you'd chuck it
in the river.
No, we didn't.
Yes, we did.
Cos I'm only trying to get
my daughter back,
and you stood there, and you told me
that you understood that.
I do understand.
Oh, yeah, provided you can still do
whatever you want, when you want.
A work of art
is not going in the river.
I just need someone to say
they're from Abney's
and sign it off as legit.
I'd ask you to do it, but
You don't care, do you?
You don't care
if I get her back or not.
Well, married life is suiting you.
How do you know I'm married?
It's my job to know
what you're up to
what you're thinking.
Hm.
Well, go on, then, clever clogs.
You hungry?
Hungry for what?
Change.
Excitement.
'I know what you really want, Joan.'
To have Kelly back with you.
And I would love for that to happen.
The thing is, I don't think it can.
Not now.
What's this?
That robbery in Sussex.
Don't know what you're on about.
Yes, you do.
Harris and his boys
searched the shop.
That's the woman involved.
Harris has met you.
If he sees this, he's gonna know
straightaway that it's you,
and he'll nick you
for aggravated burglary.
You're looking at years for that,
not months.
It doesn't look anything like me.
The thing is,
I can make sure that doesn't happen.
Why would you do that?
I mean, you don't wear a uniform,
but you've still got a badge.
All you've got to do is work for me.
You be my eyes and ears,
and I'll do a deal,
get the other thing gone.
Think about it, Joan.
You could have a completely
different life.
You're safe, with Kelly.
I'm not a grass, Tom.
Anyway,
I've got nothing to tell you.
Thanks, I'll keep it.
Here you go, mate.
What's with the Old Bill?
Don't know what you're on about.
That bloke I've just seen you with.
Well, who says he's Old Bill?
We both know bacon when we smell it.
If you must know
he wanted to show me this.
Apparently, she was involved in
nicking a painting by George Stubbs.
A burglary, Boise.
A burglary where a bloke got clocked
with a gun.
According to who?
The woman who owns the house
and the painting.
What about the fella?
He say anything?
Oh, no, don't worry,
all he can remember
is that whoever hit him
was wearing a mask,
so you are in the clear.
It's just me facing time.
With one witness,
who drinks like George Best?
That'll never stick.
It will if they find the painting.
Oi! Don't.
I'm not going down and losing
my girl over a few quid, Boisie.
It's not about the money.
It's about who the buyer is.
I'm selling it to the Irish.
You've organised a sale
with the IR-fucking-A,
and you didn't tell me?
I know, I know. It was
the only fucking option, so
I just want Kelly back.
This won't affect that.
Are you mad?
Tell them it can't be done,
tell them the deal's off.
I can't do that with the IRA.
Are you trying to get me killed?
We said we were going straight.
That life's not for the likes of us,
Joan.
I need you, Joan.
I have since the second
I laid eyes on you.
IF I do this
..it's because we have
no fucking choice.
Can I help you?
Jessica Cunningham
to see Hugo Saxton.
Of course.
Thank you.
Right, tell me about this.
One of a set of three paintings
commissioned in 1759
by the second Duke of Richmond
The THIRD Duke of Richmond. Jesus!
We've only just been through this.
You do realise how dangerous
these people are?
Of course, I know.
You cannot mess up.
One of a set of three paintings
commissioned in 1759
by the third Duke of Richmond,
who was so pleased with the results
that he encouraged
his fellow dukes and lords
to follow his lead.
Hugo Saxton.
'Can I speak
to Jessica Cunningham, please?'
Yes, she's here with me now.
One moment, please.
Jessica Cunningham speaking.
How can I help you?
Right.
You'll need to inspect every inch
very carefully.
And you'll need to check
the signature
against photographs
of other examples.
'As for the brush strokes,
'you're assuring yourself
that these are in keeping
'with the artist's
entire body of work.
'Be confident, self-assured.
'Most of all, do not hesitate.'
Good afternoon, everyone.
Jessica Cunningham.
Sean. This is Michael.
You work at Abney's?
I'm sure you've checked,
or I wouldn't be here.
So, how are we gonna do this?
It's not my business,
but I do need a quiet space
to assess the piece.
Right, well
I've got an hotel room.
Not a fucking chance
we're all in the same room
with both the painting
and the money.
Because?
Plausible deniability, sweetheart.
Right, you come to the hotel with me
and do your thing.
You, stay here with Michael.
Hang on.
When, er
Sorry, what's your name again?
Jessica.
When Jessica confirms
she's happy with what she sees,
I call Michael,
he'll give you the cash.
I'm not just going to hand over
the painting
We do things our way or not at all.
I'm sure Albie'll be around
to keep an eye out.
It's all right.
Let's just do what he says.
Drink?
No, thank you.
You're tense.
You're armed.
Right, then, shall we take a look?
There's a lot of copies around.
It's a very popular artist.
Big exhibition at the Tate
last year.
I wonder how many of them were fake.
Each painting
will have been authenticated.
By someone like you?
Yes.
You're not exactly honest,
Miss Cunningham,
or you wouldn't be here.
My reputation relies
on my opinions being honest.
If they could be bought,
they wouldn't be worth much,
would they?
What's your opinion on this?
Patience, please.
Interesting.
It hasn't been relined.
And?
And it's highly unusual.
To find a piece in
its original condition, like this,
is rare.
Let's see.
Ah. Candle wax.
The thing about fakes, good fakes,
is that they're completely perfect.
Every stroke utterly perfect.
But what about the flaws, Sean?
Michael, phone.
Thanks very much for the Stubbs.
Now be on your way.
I think you need to get going.
I want my money.
And I want a free Ireland.
We had a deal.
Your deal's fucked.
Now, leave.
While you still can.
You do know what we do
with these paintings, don't you?
I stay out of these things, Sean.
We use them as collateral
to buy arms for the struggle.
As I say,
I stay out of these things.
Well, you're a hard bitch,
right enough.
I'll think you'll find I'm not hard,
just practical.
Do you fancy that drink now?
I'm afraid I have
another engagement.
I really do
Police! Stay down!
All right.
Get in.
Good look, Joan.
You been following me
the whole time?
I'm sorry.
I tried to offer you a way out.
Pigs.
You're all the same.
Joan
'Joan Hannington,
you are remanded in custody,
'and we are not granting you bail
'because there are
substantial grounds to believe
'that you will not come back
to court,
'or you will commit another offence.
'We believe this because
of the nature and seriousness
'of the offence and how you might be
dealt with for it,
'and because of
your criminal record,
'personal background and character.
'You may apply to the Crown Court
for bail in due course.'
Don't you fucking hang up on me!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- We're waiting!
I've just arrived.
I need to make some calls.
I need to call my little girl.
No, I need to call MY daughter.
Go on, we're waiting!
'Hello, 0-8-2-9?'
Mrs Ashbury? It's me, Joan.
Can I speak to Kelly, please?
'Joan?
'Joan.'
I said can you please tell
'I'm truly sorry,
but I think it's better
'if you don't speak to Kelly while
you're in your current environment.'
No, no, you can't do that
'As I say, I am sorry.
'It's better for Kelly.
You can see that, I'm sure.'
Calm down! What is going on?
Calm down!
# Darling, don't you cry
# It's just for a while
# Cos you'll never be the girl
If you let them rule
# Oh, no, you'll never be the girl
# Till you kick those blues
# Go
Go, glitter girl
# Get your glamour on
Don't let the mirror fall
# Don't let them near your soul. #