Just Good Friends (1983) s01e04 Episode Script
Fatherly Advice
1 - All right, Tom? - Is that your new car, Vince? No, I found it over there.
Where's the old man? - Over there somewhere.
- Cheers.
- Dad! You got a minute? - I'll be with you, Vincie.
It's worth considering, Clifford.
Give it some thought, that's all I ask.
I don't wanna go round the world.
Negative thinking, Clifford! Look, all you need is a pair of boots, a compass and a knapsack and you'll be hitchhiking through Iran.
Iran?! They kill people over there! Don't let quaint local customs put you off! Give it some thought, that's all.
And should you decide to devote the next 10 or 15 years travelling, gaining experience in a daily dice with death, we won't stand in your way.
- I'll bear it in mind, Dad.
- Good boy.
I mean, look at Vincent.
He's done his share of travelling.
- He ain't.
He's just gone on the run! - Well, whatever.
Give us that.
Sorry, Dad.
- He's broken the bulldozer now! - How did he manage that? God knows.
He's broken everything from my music centre to your mother's heart.
What have you come round for? Show off the new motor or has your betting shop burned down? No, I've got a bit of a problem.
I want your advice.
- You want my advice? - Well, that's what fathers are for.
- I read it somewhere.
- You haven't asked for my advice ever.
As I said to Debbie Matthews on that nature walk, "First time for everything.
" You and Deborah Matthews were expelled.
But that's the way to get expelled.
Beats smoking in the toilets.
I should have had you doctored.
We can talk in the office.
Right, what's your problem? Drink? No, it's nothing like that.
Oh, I see! Yeah, a large one.
You've got more crap here than out in the yard.
- What's her name? - Who? - Your problem.
- Why does it have to be a girl? I know you too well, son.
Always been one bird or another.
I remember your mother found a love bite on your big toe.
I said, "It's just a phase.
By the time he's 15, he'll be over it.
" Some hope.
This is why I never came to you for advice.
I haven't even asked the question! - So what's her name? - Penny.
- Penny? That was the other one's name.
- Which one's that? The posh girl from Chipping Ongar.
The one you were to marry five years ago.
Oh, yeah, that was her name as well, yeah.
In for a Penny - She thought she was royalty.
- No, you misjudged her.
She was refined, cultured and articulate.
A little bum like a peach.
I was always looking over my shoulder to see what the footman was doing! - I hope this one ain't like her.
- Funny you should mention it.
- She's very much like her.
- In what way? In the way thatit is her.
Nonono, no, no.
You're pulling my leg.
- You haven't picked up with her again? - No.
We're friends.
Sort of.
We accidentally bumped into each other and we've becomefriendly.
- How friendly? - Well, friendly.
You'll jump to conclusions if I say we ended up in bed.
Well, that's quite friendly.
You can't get much friendlier, can you? Nothing happened.
She was very nervous.
It was the nearest you could get to adultery without going, "Oooh.
" Adultery? You mean she's married now? Separated.
Divorcing him for his unreasonable boredom.
I have met some twats in my time, but you must be a gold medallist.
You could have married her five years ago when you had the chance, but not you.
You had to do a runner.
- It wasn't my fault.
- So whose? - Her mother's.
- Oh! Her mother's a Martian! You should have heard what that family were giving me.
Do this, do that, be here, be there.
Programming me like a microchip.
By the time I walked down that aisle I'd have looked like Metal bloody Mickey! Maybe this is the way with Martian weddings, but not for this boy.
I didn't know you felt like that.
You seemed all right.
Outwardly I may have appeared to be my usual self - cool with a winning smile - but inside I felt trapped in a crushing machine! Life closed in on me.
I knew that if I didn't escape, my head would explode.
I didn't know it was that bad, boy.
Why didn't you talk to me? I was your father.
You still are.
Why didn't you come and ask for help? When you was born, I started looking forward to when you'd get into trouble.
Cos you'd come to your old dad for advice.
I asked you what to do about spots.
You said, "Don't squeeze 'em in the house.
" There you are.
Always willing to advise.
Well, I'm here now and I want advice.
Good.
Good.
Right.
I'm ready.
Fire away, Vincent.
All right.
How do you tell a girl who five years ago you promised to marry, jilted at the altar, betrayed her trust and emotionally scarred her for life that you love her? How the hell should I know? I'm glad I came for this little chat.
Do you love her? Yeah.
It's affecting me badly.
I'm losing sleep, reckoning bets up wrong, the whole bit.
I don't know, boy.
Why do you have so much trouble with women, Vincie? - It's not my fault.
- Nothing ever is.
Oh, you've noticed that? It's been going on for so long now, I've forgotten why womenyearn for me.
Oh, yes.
Now I remember.
Will you listen to it! Do you really love her? Who? - Penny.
- Yeah, I really love her.
- Then tell her.
- That's a bit drastic.
No, it's just a little thing called telling the truth.
Now I am aware that this is new territory for you, but give it a go.
Believe me, telling the truth ain't that bad.
She might laugh in my face.
I didn't say it was going to be a cakewalk, did I? Tell her.
I will be outside.
Oh, and Vincent How did you get a love bite on your big toe? It wasvery dark, Dad.
Oh, hello, Mr Warrender.
Oh, sorry, Mrs Warrender.
Drunk again, Vincent? Yeah, so am I, Mrs Warrender.
Could I speak to Penelope, please? Hmm? - It's Thing.
- He's the last person I want to talk to.
- I'll tell him you're out.
- It's all right.
I'll take it.
Hello Thing.
Hello, Pen.
Pen, I've been thinking You know what the doctor told you.
Look, will you listen? I've got something very important to tell you.
OK.
Well, I'm listening.
PenI, um I - I - It's a very bad line, Vincent.
- All right.
See you this evening.
- What?! It may not be convenient.
I may have made other arrangements.
- Well, cancel them.
- Oh, sorry, sir, I forgot.
Click your fingers and I drop everything.
All right.
See you about 8.
30.
- Did you talk to her? - Yeah.
Good.
Take a look at that, will you, Vincent? Yeah, what about it? One day it'll all be yours.
I don't want it.
- But you gotta have it.
- No.
Give it to Cliff.
I can't - he'll break it! I've left it to you in my will, Vincent.
Don't die, Dad.
Just don't die.
I'll do my best, son.
I'll do my best! 'But despite the level of unemployment' - It makes my blood boil! - Sorry, dear? The amount of publicity TV stations give to this revolution.
It's a "Right To Work" march, darling.
I know what it is, thank you, Norman.
If I had my way, anybody on a "Right To Work" march would be sacked! That would stop their fun and games.
The public should have more say about the contents of television programmes.
Every year I pay my licence.
That's funny.
So do I.
Don't be childish, Norman.
I'm not being childish.
I'm never childish.
Even as a child! Start acting your age, then.
I am going to take my ship to the kitchen sink to see if it floats! - Norman - What? Good luck.
I shouldn't be too late but don't wait up.
You're making yourself look pathetic.
Mother, let's understand one thing.
This is your house, your furniture, but MY life! - Yes, and you should get him out of it.
- Should I, really? It's so easy to be brave for someone else.
Secure in the knowledge that if you're wrong you can just walk away unscathed.
Unscathed? Do you think I walked away from that disaster 5 years ago unscathed? Oh, no, Penelope, I was emotionally crippled.
It took me years to learn to walk again and even then, though you weren't to know, I was limping.
Inside.
And Iâve just learned to run and jump again! - And this happens.
- Vincent isn't a white slave trader.
He's not going to force me to hold topless Tupperware parties.
My God! You bumped into him three weeks ago and already you're so"Brookside".
He's not for you, Penny, and you know it.
Find yourself a decent man, a sober, law-abiding chap with a future or a one-legged Chinese kitchen hand with hepatitis! Anybody but him! You seem to be forgetting something.
I was married to a decent, law-abiding chap.
Graham was a good man.
Yes, he was a wonderful man! And for two and a half years I was the dutiful wife.
I dusted his collection of Sunday Times colour supplements, I sat through every Jasper Carrott show, stood by and encouraged him when he decided to buy a Flymo Until the soul-destroying tedium seeped through to my bone marrow! - But he was reliable.
- Oh, yes, he was like a quartz clock! The first time he asked me out for a date, he said he'd meet me in this vegetarian restaurant at seven minutes past eight.
I should have known then! Who meets anyone at seven minutes past eight?! And he arrived at seven minutes past eight! So the last thing I need is reliability, but Oh, you wouldn't understand.
I would.
When I'm meeting Vincent, there's unpredictability in the air.
I feel excited.
Where will we go? What will we do? Will he be there? And that's the difference between the two of them.
If Graham asked me round to his place for something to eat, he'd found something different to do with brown rice.
When Vincent asks you round to his place for something to eat, he means breakfast.
- And I like that.
I know it shocks you.
- It doesn't.
I just love that feeling of insecurity and I I'm sorry, is it me or have you actually been agreeing with me? I understand what you're saying, darling.
Believe me, I understand it only too well.
I don't think so, Mummy.
You have to experience it.
And you think it's beyond me to have had experiences like that? I haven't always been your mother, Penny.
Once I was a woman.
What are you trying to say? You may not believe this, but I was a passionate animal once.
Well, more than once, actually.
Oh, yes, I know the thrill of being with somebody so special that you'd do anything for them.
I warmed at the fires of illicit love and felt the pains of their beautiful torment.
And I'm going to turn round now and if there's a smirk on your face I'll slap you across the cheek! I wasn't laughing at you, Mummy.
I never told you this before.
I never thought I would.
But your fatherwasn't the first.
The first what? - He just wasn't the first! - Oh, I see! Did you ever tell Daddy? Many times.
There was a man in my life.
His name was David.
I was 19.
And he was 23.
He was very strong and very handsome.
Not the most intelligent man.
You wouldn't leave him alone with a crossword puzzle, but he had a smile that was so warm and inviting it completely took your mind off the rationing.
One day we went away for a weekend.
To Selsey Bill.
Selsey Bill? I've heard it's very nice there.
So have I.
I told my mother I was going to a Girl Guides reunion.
I'll never forget arriving at the hotel.
I thought everyone was looking at me.
I could feel their eyes burn into my back.
The uniform did draw attention.
You went away for a dirty weekend dressed up as a giant Brownie? I could hardly change on a crowded train, could I? We spent two days and two nights together.
We used to walk along the beach holding hands and listening to the silence.
One night we plunged into the sea for a midnight swim and then let the warm night air dry us.
- You were in the nude? - I didn't look, darling.
I'll never forget that night.
It was the first time I'd enjoyed myself without laughing.
After we came back, he seemed to change.
I wouldn't see him for weeks on end and then suddenly he'd turn up out of the blue with that smile.
- Did you love him? - I cried for him.
That's like love, isn't it? Oh, yes.
That's just like love.
And when I cried he'd take my face in his hands and kiss each tear away.
Your father tried, but they tasted salty and he had to suck a mint.
Oh, you see, darling, men like David and even Thing, they're no good.
They need freedom.
They die in cages.
And that's what happened to David and I.
One day he went away and never came back.
- Where did he go? - Korea.
Korea? Vincent likes to go to the pub or the dogs.
Korea seems a bit extreme.
He went there for the war! Oh, the Korean War? Yes! That's why they called it the Korean War! - Oh, that's why! - I was sad and frightened.
But at the same time proud and excited.
My man was a warrior.
Locked in combat with a foreign foe, fighting for victory and glory.
I lost touch with him at first.
He was constantly posted from this NAAFI store to that NAAFI store.
He seemed to be in perpetual transit.
And then one day we had a bit of luck.
The Jeep that David was travelling in was attacked by a MiG dive bomber.
Oh, that was fortunate Yes.
He wasn't seriously hurt.
Just shellshock and concussion.
But this is what I mean by luck - an old school friend of mine, Edna Springer, nice girl, big feet, well, she'd started working as a nurse at the military hospital at Sun Chong.
So I used to write to David, - but address the letters to her.
- Why? Because I was engaged to your father.
He didn't think it was odd being pen pals with an old school friend.
I wrote fifteen, maybe twenty letters.
He only replied to the first one.
Oh, I was angry and hated him.
Oncel even wished that he was dead.
It was two years before I found out.
Oh, Mummy.
He died? No, he'd married Edna Springer.
I met her at the New Year sales in Oxford Street.
She showed me pictures of the wedding.
One of those romantic military affairs with the background of shell craters and portable latrines.
Him with that smile and her with those feet.
I never realised you married Daddy on the rebound.
Rebound? It was more like a ricochet! Oh, no, I'm being unfair.
Your father's a good man.
You see, darling, life may be richer and more exciting with men like David and even Thing, but with men like your father, well You always know the rates will be paid.
- Do you think your father heard that? - I'm sure he didn't.
- No? - No.
Perhaps I should have spoken louder.
- There you go.
- Oh, thank you.
Penny, I, um - Are you all right? - What? Yeah, I'm fine.
You seemstrange.
I spoke with your mother.
It always gets me like that.
Pen, I've got something very important to say.
Oh, yes, I've been going mad wondering what this grave announcement can be.
- All right.
I'm all ears.
- Well, Pen Recently I've been thinking a lot about you and me.
You didn't insult me.
What? I just said, "I'm all ears".
And usually you'd have made some glib little quip.
"I've noticed.
See much of Noddy?" - Would I? - Are you sure you're all right? Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
- Will you just listen for a minute? - Sorry.
PenI've known quite a lot of girls in my time Well, not that many.
Compared with most fellas, hardly any at all.
Just one or two.
You, mainly.
- But despite that - God! Did you put any tonic in this? - Will you shut up for two seconds? - So sorry.
Hardly hear yourself drink? - Look, will you listen to me? - Carry on.
- Thank you.
Pen - Before you go on God Almighty.
Is it anything to do with last night? No, all I'm trying to say is Did something happen last night? Well, yes.
Where was I? - You mean you don't remember? - Remember what? For God's sake, we went to bed together! Please, Vince, say something.
It's all right.
She's my sister.
Perfect Absolutely perfect.
I know we went to bed together, but nothing happened.
You told me you had more stress than a Concorde's wing.
- It didn't mean anything to you? - Nothing happened.
- Well, it did for me.
- You must be easily pleased.
What I'm trying to say, you moron, is don't you find it odd that something like that could happen betweenfriends? No.
You go to bed with all your friends? No, I fancy you more than other blokes.
- Why are you doing that? - Doing what? - Feeling guilty.
- Me? You're behaving like a child caught stealing sweets.
You smiled at her.
No, Pen, I had something stuck in my teeth.
I just went like that.
Oh, don't be so silly, Vince.
You don't have to feel guilty or embarrassed because I'm here.
We're just friends.
And friends don't become angry or jealous just because you choose to smile at sometart.
You can go and talk to her if you like.
I'm just a friend.
Do you understand? And that's all it is to you? You don't see us as anything but just good friends? Well, no.
Do you? Well, no.
I suppose I don't either.
Oh, good.
It's so nice to be with someone I feel I can relax with.
We don't have to play silly mind games, trying to make each other jealous.
- No, we're very adult, aren't we? - Yes.
Yes, we are.
Mmm.
He's a good-looking fellow.
He doesn't do a lot for me, Pen.
Hm, lovely broad shoulders.
He hasn't got broad shoulders.
He's just got a little head.
- I didn't think you went for cavemen.
- Cavemen? Oh, come on, Vince.
Bet he's got a tattoo of a brontosaurus.
If I ever find out, I'll let you know.
You're not getting jealous, are you? Me? Listen, Pen, if you want to make it with the missing link, that's up to you.
- No more for me, thank you.
- I'm not getting you a drink.
I'm going to go talk to her.
See you.
- Hi! I'm Penny! - Oh, hello! I'm Robin! And then you must be Batman.
Well, erbye.
Saucy little mare! - Sorry to interrupt.
- Oh, you're not going, are you? - Yes.
I just brought this over for you.
- Thanks.
That's what friends are for.
You, eh, didn't crack it with the Flintstones, then? No, no.
You'd have stood more chance.
Well, bye, then.
Er, Pen, I'll give you a ring? Vince, will you promise me something? - Name it.
- Don't go to Korea.
Who told you? Is she your girlfriend? No, we'rewe're just good friends.
- Right, do you fancy a quick one? - Thank you.
Oh, all right.
We'll have a drink first.
Oh! Damn you, Vincent Pinner! Well, come on, you idiot.
Ring back.
I'm here now! Look, I'm here! Ohh.
Please.
Ring.
- 'Hello?' - Hello.
'Oh, hello, Pen.
It's me, Vince.
'
Where's the old man? - Over there somewhere.
- Cheers.
- Dad! You got a minute? - I'll be with you, Vincie.
It's worth considering, Clifford.
Give it some thought, that's all I ask.
I don't wanna go round the world.
Negative thinking, Clifford! Look, all you need is a pair of boots, a compass and a knapsack and you'll be hitchhiking through Iran.
Iran?! They kill people over there! Don't let quaint local customs put you off! Give it some thought, that's all.
And should you decide to devote the next 10 or 15 years travelling, gaining experience in a daily dice with death, we won't stand in your way.
- I'll bear it in mind, Dad.
- Good boy.
I mean, look at Vincent.
He's done his share of travelling.
- He ain't.
He's just gone on the run! - Well, whatever.
Give us that.
Sorry, Dad.
- He's broken the bulldozer now! - How did he manage that? God knows.
He's broken everything from my music centre to your mother's heart.
What have you come round for? Show off the new motor or has your betting shop burned down? No, I've got a bit of a problem.
I want your advice.
- You want my advice? - Well, that's what fathers are for.
- I read it somewhere.
- You haven't asked for my advice ever.
As I said to Debbie Matthews on that nature walk, "First time for everything.
" You and Deborah Matthews were expelled.
But that's the way to get expelled.
Beats smoking in the toilets.
I should have had you doctored.
We can talk in the office.
Right, what's your problem? Drink? No, it's nothing like that.
Oh, I see! Yeah, a large one.
You've got more crap here than out in the yard.
- What's her name? - Who? - Your problem.
- Why does it have to be a girl? I know you too well, son.
Always been one bird or another.
I remember your mother found a love bite on your big toe.
I said, "It's just a phase.
By the time he's 15, he'll be over it.
" Some hope.
This is why I never came to you for advice.
I haven't even asked the question! - So what's her name? - Penny.
- Penny? That was the other one's name.
- Which one's that? The posh girl from Chipping Ongar.
The one you were to marry five years ago.
Oh, yeah, that was her name as well, yeah.
In for a Penny - She thought she was royalty.
- No, you misjudged her.
She was refined, cultured and articulate.
A little bum like a peach.
I was always looking over my shoulder to see what the footman was doing! - I hope this one ain't like her.
- Funny you should mention it.
- She's very much like her.
- In what way? In the way thatit is her.
Nonono, no, no.
You're pulling my leg.
- You haven't picked up with her again? - No.
We're friends.
Sort of.
We accidentally bumped into each other and we've becomefriendly.
- How friendly? - Well, friendly.
You'll jump to conclusions if I say we ended up in bed.
Well, that's quite friendly.
You can't get much friendlier, can you? Nothing happened.
She was very nervous.
It was the nearest you could get to adultery without going, "Oooh.
" Adultery? You mean she's married now? Separated.
Divorcing him for his unreasonable boredom.
I have met some twats in my time, but you must be a gold medallist.
You could have married her five years ago when you had the chance, but not you.
You had to do a runner.
- It wasn't my fault.
- So whose? - Her mother's.
- Oh! Her mother's a Martian! You should have heard what that family were giving me.
Do this, do that, be here, be there.
Programming me like a microchip.
By the time I walked down that aisle I'd have looked like Metal bloody Mickey! Maybe this is the way with Martian weddings, but not for this boy.
I didn't know you felt like that.
You seemed all right.
Outwardly I may have appeared to be my usual self - cool with a winning smile - but inside I felt trapped in a crushing machine! Life closed in on me.
I knew that if I didn't escape, my head would explode.
I didn't know it was that bad, boy.
Why didn't you talk to me? I was your father.
You still are.
Why didn't you come and ask for help? When you was born, I started looking forward to when you'd get into trouble.
Cos you'd come to your old dad for advice.
I asked you what to do about spots.
You said, "Don't squeeze 'em in the house.
" There you are.
Always willing to advise.
Well, I'm here now and I want advice.
Good.
Good.
Right.
I'm ready.
Fire away, Vincent.
All right.
How do you tell a girl who five years ago you promised to marry, jilted at the altar, betrayed her trust and emotionally scarred her for life that you love her? How the hell should I know? I'm glad I came for this little chat.
Do you love her? Yeah.
It's affecting me badly.
I'm losing sleep, reckoning bets up wrong, the whole bit.
I don't know, boy.
Why do you have so much trouble with women, Vincie? - It's not my fault.
- Nothing ever is.
Oh, you've noticed that? It's been going on for so long now, I've forgotten why womenyearn for me.
Oh, yes.
Now I remember.
Will you listen to it! Do you really love her? Who? - Penny.
- Yeah, I really love her.
- Then tell her.
- That's a bit drastic.
No, it's just a little thing called telling the truth.
Now I am aware that this is new territory for you, but give it a go.
Believe me, telling the truth ain't that bad.
She might laugh in my face.
I didn't say it was going to be a cakewalk, did I? Tell her.
I will be outside.
Oh, and Vincent How did you get a love bite on your big toe? It wasvery dark, Dad.
Oh, hello, Mr Warrender.
Oh, sorry, Mrs Warrender.
Drunk again, Vincent? Yeah, so am I, Mrs Warrender.
Could I speak to Penelope, please? Hmm? - It's Thing.
- He's the last person I want to talk to.
- I'll tell him you're out.
- It's all right.
I'll take it.
Hello Thing.
Hello, Pen.
Pen, I've been thinking You know what the doctor told you.
Look, will you listen? I've got something very important to tell you.
OK.
Well, I'm listening.
PenI, um I - I - It's a very bad line, Vincent.
- All right.
See you this evening.
- What?! It may not be convenient.
I may have made other arrangements.
- Well, cancel them.
- Oh, sorry, sir, I forgot.
Click your fingers and I drop everything.
All right.
See you about 8.
30.
- Did you talk to her? - Yeah.
Good.
Take a look at that, will you, Vincent? Yeah, what about it? One day it'll all be yours.
I don't want it.
- But you gotta have it.
- No.
Give it to Cliff.
I can't - he'll break it! I've left it to you in my will, Vincent.
Don't die, Dad.
Just don't die.
I'll do my best, son.
I'll do my best! 'But despite the level of unemployment' - It makes my blood boil! - Sorry, dear? The amount of publicity TV stations give to this revolution.
It's a "Right To Work" march, darling.
I know what it is, thank you, Norman.
If I had my way, anybody on a "Right To Work" march would be sacked! That would stop their fun and games.
The public should have more say about the contents of television programmes.
Every year I pay my licence.
That's funny.
So do I.
Don't be childish, Norman.
I'm not being childish.
I'm never childish.
Even as a child! Start acting your age, then.
I am going to take my ship to the kitchen sink to see if it floats! - Norman - What? Good luck.
I shouldn't be too late but don't wait up.
You're making yourself look pathetic.
Mother, let's understand one thing.
This is your house, your furniture, but MY life! - Yes, and you should get him out of it.
- Should I, really? It's so easy to be brave for someone else.
Secure in the knowledge that if you're wrong you can just walk away unscathed.
Unscathed? Do you think I walked away from that disaster 5 years ago unscathed? Oh, no, Penelope, I was emotionally crippled.
It took me years to learn to walk again and even then, though you weren't to know, I was limping.
Inside.
And Iâve just learned to run and jump again! - And this happens.
- Vincent isn't a white slave trader.
He's not going to force me to hold topless Tupperware parties.
My God! You bumped into him three weeks ago and already you're so"Brookside".
He's not for you, Penny, and you know it.
Find yourself a decent man, a sober, law-abiding chap with a future or a one-legged Chinese kitchen hand with hepatitis! Anybody but him! You seem to be forgetting something.
I was married to a decent, law-abiding chap.
Graham was a good man.
Yes, he was a wonderful man! And for two and a half years I was the dutiful wife.
I dusted his collection of Sunday Times colour supplements, I sat through every Jasper Carrott show, stood by and encouraged him when he decided to buy a Flymo Until the soul-destroying tedium seeped through to my bone marrow! - But he was reliable.
- Oh, yes, he was like a quartz clock! The first time he asked me out for a date, he said he'd meet me in this vegetarian restaurant at seven minutes past eight.
I should have known then! Who meets anyone at seven minutes past eight?! And he arrived at seven minutes past eight! So the last thing I need is reliability, but Oh, you wouldn't understand.
I would.
When I'm meeting Vincent, there's unpredictability in the air.
I feel excited.
Where will we go? What will we do? Will he be there? And that's the difference between the two of them.
If Graham asked me round to his place for something to eat, he'd found something different to do with brown rice.
When Vincent asks you round to his place for something to eat, he means breakfast.
- And I like that.
I know it shocks you.
- It doesn't.
I just love that feeling of insecurity and I I'm sorry, is it me or have you actually been agreeing with me? I understand what you're saying, darling.
Believe me, I understand it only too well.
I don't think so, Mummy.
You have to experience it.
And you think it's beyond me to have had experiences like that? I haven't always been your mother, Penny.
Once I was a woman.
What are you trying to say? You may not believe this, but I was a passionate animal once.
Well, more than once, actually.
Oh, yes, I know the thrill of being with somebody so special that you'd do anything for them.
I warmed at the fires of illicit love and felt the pains of their beautiful torment.
And I'm going to turn round now and if there's a smirk on your face I'll slap you across the cheek! I wasn't laughing at you, Mummy.
I never told you this before.
I never thought I would.
But your fatherwasn't the first.
The first what? - He just wasn't the first! - Oh, I see! Did you ever tell Daddy? Many times.
There was a man in my life.
His name was David.
I was 19.
And he was 23.
He was very strong and very handsome.
Not the most intelligent man.
You wouldn't leave him alone with a crossword puzzle, but he had a smile that was so warm and inviting it completely took your mind off the rationing.
One day we went away for a weekend.
To Selsey Bill.
Selsey Bill? I've heard it's very nice there.
So have I.
I told my mother I was going to a Girl Guides reunion.
I'll never forget arriving at the hotel.
I thought everyone was looking at me.
I could feel their eyes burn into my back.
The uniform did draw attention.
You went away for a dirty weekend dressed up as a giant Brownie? I could hardly change on a crowded train, could I? We spent two days and two nights together.
We used to walk along the beach holding hands and listening to the silence.
One night we plunged into the sea for a midnight swim and then let the warm night air dry us.
- You were in the nude? - I didn't look, darling.
I'll never forget that night.
It was the first time I'd enjoyed myself without laughing.
After we came back, he seemed to change.
I wouldn't see him for weeks on end and then suddenly he'd turn up out of the blue with that smile.
- Did you love him? - I cried for him.
That's like love, isn't it? Oh, yes.
That's just like love.
And when I cried he'd take my face in his hands and kiss each tear away.
Your father tried, but they tasted salty and he had to suck a mint.
Oh, you see, darling, men like David and even Thing, they're no good.
They need freedom.
They die in cages.
And that's what happened to David and I.
One day he went away and never came back.
- Where did he go? - Korea.
Korea? Vincent likes to go to the pub or the dogs.
Korea seems a bit extreme.
He went there for the war! Oh, the Korean War? Yes! That's why they called it the Korean War! - Oh, that's why! - I was sad and frightened.
But at the same time proud and excited.
My man was a warrior.
Locked in combat with a foreign foe, fighting for victory and glory.
I lost touch with him at first.
He was constantly posted from this NAAFI store to that NAAFI store.
He seemed to be in perpetual transit.
And then one day we had a bit of luck.
The Jeep that David was travelling in was attacked by a MiG dive bomber.
Oh, that was fortunate Yes.
He wasn't seriously hurt.
Just shellshock and concussion.
But this is what I mean by luck - an old school friend of mine, Edna Springer, nice girl, big feet, well, she'd started working as a nurse at the military hospital at Sun Chong.
So I used to write to David, - but address the letters to her.
- Why? Because I was engaged to your father.
He didn't think it was odd being pen pals with an old school friend.
I wrote fifteen, maybe twenty letters.
He only replied to the first one.
Oh, I was angry and hated him.
Oncel even wished that he was dead.
It was two years before I found out.
Oh, Mummy.
He died? No, he'd married Edna Springer.
I met her at the New Year sales in Oxford Street.
She showed me pictures of the wedding.
One of those romantic military affairs with the background of shell craters and portable latrines.
Him with that smile and her with those feet.
I never realised you married Daddy on the rebound.
Rebound? It was more like a ricochet! Oh, no, I'm being unfair.
Your father's a good man.
You see, darling, life may be richer and more exciting with men like David and even Thing, but with men like your father, well You always know the rates will be paid.
- Do you think your father heard that? - I'm sure he didn't.
- No? - No.
Perhaps I should have spoken louder.
- There you go.
- Oh, thank you.
Penny, I, um - Are you all right? - What? Yeah, I'm fine.
You seemstrange.
I spoke with your mother.
It always gets me like that.
Pen, I've got something very important to say.
Oh, yes, I've been going mad wondering what this grave announcement can be.
- All right.
I'm all ears.
- Well, Pen Recently I've been thinking a lot about you and me.
You didn't insult me.
What? I just said, "I'm all ears".
And usually you'd have made some glib little quip.
"I've noticed.
See much of Noddy?" - Would I? - Are you sure you're all right? Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
- Will you just listen for a minute? - Sorry.
PenI've known quite a lot of girls in my time Well, not that many.
Compared with most fellas, hardly any at all.
Just one or two.
You, mainly.
- But despite that - God! Did you put any tonic in this? - Will you shut up for two seconds? - So sorry.
Hardly hear yourself drink? - Look, will you listen to me? - Carry on.
- Thank you.
Pen - Before you go on God Almighty.
Is it anything to do with last night? No, all I'm trying to say is Did something happen last night? Well, yes.
Where was I? - You mean you don't remember? - Remember what? For God's sake, we went to bed together! Please, Vince, say something.
It's all right.
She's my sister.
Perfect Absolutely perfect.
I know we went to bed together, but nothing happened.
You told me you had more stress than a Concorde's wing.
- It didn't mean anything to you? - Nothing happened.
- Well, it did for me.
- You must be easily pleased.
What I'm trying to say, you moron, is don't you find it odd that something like that could happen betweenfriends? No.
You go to bed with all your friends? No, I fancy you more than other blokes.
- Why are you doing that? - Doing what? - Feeling guilty.
- Me? You're behaving like a child caught stealing sweets.
You smiled at her.
No, Pen, I had something stuck in my teeth.
I just went like that.
Oh, don't be so silly, Vince.
You don't have to feel guilty or embarrassed because I'm here.
We're just friends.
And friends don't become angry or jealous just because you choose to smile at sometart.
You can go and talk to her if you like.
I'm just a friend.
Do you understand? And that's all it is to you? You don't see us as anything but just good friends? Well, no.
Do you? Well, no.
I suppose I don't either.
Oh, good.
It's so nice to be with someone I feel I can relax with.
We don't have to play silly mind games, trying to make each other jealous.
- No, we're very adult, aren't we? - Yes.
Yes, we are.
Mmm.
He's a good-looking fellow.
He doesn't do a lot for me, Pen.
Hm, lovely broad shoulders.
He hasn't got broad shoulders.
He's just got a little head.
- I didn't think you went for cavemen.
- Cavemen? Oh, come on, Vince.
Bet he's got a tattoo of a brontosaurus.
If I ever find out, I'll let you know.
You're not getting jealous, are you? Me? Listen, Pen, if you want to make it with the missing link, that's up to you.
- No more for me, thank you.
- I'm not getting you a drink.
I'm going to go talk to her.
See you.
- Hi! I'm Penny! - Oh, hello! I'm Robin! And then you must be Batman.
Well, erbye.
Saucy little mare! - Sorry to interrupt.
- Oh, you're not going, are you? - Yes.
I just brought this over for you.
- Thanks.
That's what friends are for.
You, eh, didn't crack it with the Flintstones, then? No, no.
You'd have stood more chance.
Well, bye, then.
Er, Pen, I'll give you a ring? Vince, will you promise me something? - Name it.
- Don't go to Korea.
Who told you? Is she your girlfriend? No, we'rewe're just good friends.
- Right, do you fancy a quick one? - Thank you.
Oh, all right.
We'll have a drink first.
Oh! Damn you, Vincent Pinner! Well, come on, you idiot.
Ring back.
I'm here now! Look, I'm here! Ohh.
Please.
Ring.
- 'Hello?' - Hello.
'Oh, hello, Pen.
It's me, Vince.
'