Karl Pilkington: The Moaning Of Life (2013) s01e04 Episode Script
Vocation and Money
1 'Life's big questions have challenged some of the world's greatest minds.
'The need for love, marriage and lifelong commitment; 'a yearning to reproduce and the survival of the human race; 'the search for a vocation; the desire to find happiness; 'and the inevitable end - death.
'Karl Pilkington has not given a second thought to any of these.
' This cat's cross-eyed.
I've never seen that.
'Now he's turned 40, he thinks it's time he did.
' 'He's travelling around the world to see how other people deal 'with life's big questions.
' We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissing-about age.
'And to see if the issues are such a big deal anyway.
' 'In this episode, Karl wants to find out whether you need a vocation.
' Waxing floors, cleaning windows, got me cock out! What job is that? 'Should you follow your dreams?' Fucking hell, Kenny! Forget it! 'Or is it just about earning money and enjoying it?' I don't want to kiss fish! What sort of night is this? 'This is The Moaning Of Life.
' Who's the mental one? Is it me or everyone else? It's something that you want to spend your life doing.
"What's your vocation in life?" "Don't know.
" How do you know that you want to do that thing that you pick? If you're known as one of the best surgeons, you can separate Siamese twins and do brain stuff and all that, if you want to knock that on the head, it's harder to walk away.
If you go, "I've had enough of this.
"I'm bored of separating people and brains.
There's me notice.
" They'd be going, "You can't leave! "You're one of the best surgeons in the world.
" "But I've had enough.
" "But there's only a few of you.
"You've got a gift.
Please stay.
" You're sat there doing brain work and you don't even want to.
I can't think of anything worse than not being able to get out of something cos you're so good at it.
So, in a way, never be really good at anything.
It would end up holding you back, I think.
At the end of the day, it's your brain that decides what your vocation's going to be.
Mine hasn't got a clue.
My brain's just full of passwords.
That's all it feels like.
That's why the brain's gone smaller.
It's full of nonsense.
Doctor? Is this definitely on? But I'm not feeling anything.
If possible nine? Four.
He's saying he picks food that's good for his brain.
It's my brain that's picking the food that I eat, so it's food that it wants me to have.
'It's not like there's another bit of me saying, ' "I want a sausage.
" Me brain's telling me that.
In a way, everything I eat is brain food.
I've got no say in it.
'His brain's hungry for knowledge and what-have-you.
' Mine just wants sausages or fish fingers.
You're not eating, you're not sleeping.
So what's it all for? When do you see your wife if you're constantly working? One day? Are they popular? That must be your most successful.
The phone holder.
I don't like swimming.
I'm not very good at it.
He tells me what you have to do is, basically, get close to death to come up with a good idea.
It's another part of brain training.
Jump in a pool, stick your head under and hold your breath for as long as you can.
Apparently, your brain wakes up.
I'm not getting anything.
Not everyone can have a good brain.
Some of us are numbnuts.
In fact, most of the world are numbnuts.
That's it.
We can't all be geniuses.
The world wouldn't work if we were.
There's a lot of shitty jobs in the world that need doing.
The surgeon thing.
It's great messing about with people's brains.
You're scooping dead brain out and sticking it in a bin.
Who's emptying that bin? So stop aiming high and just do something useful.
- How long was that? - About a minute and a half.
I've never done that long.
What did you come up with, then? Nothing.
I was just amazed how long I held my breath.
I think I like the idea of this Benriya thing.
It's more suited to the brain I've got.
I haven't got a brain like Dr NakaMats, have I? Yeah, I like outside work, in the garden.
Painting.
Painting windowsills.
Skirting board.
Cleaning windows.
Just little jobs around the house that I know need doing.
I don't want to get to that point where you're putting stuff right for everyone else but you never have time to sort your own problems out.
Kind of like hairdressers.
They make everyone else's hair look good.
Normally, hairdressers' hair looks fucking stupid.
They haven't had time.
I suppose they can't cut their own hair.
If your barber's got a good haircut, ask him where he's going.
Nicky Clarke, that's why he's a well-known hairdresser.
He's got terrible hair! So this is Benriya, sort of odd-job man.
He's on the phone taking a job in at the moment.
He can do all sorts - cleaning, painting, fixing stuff now and again.
Little perks.
You get given gifts, you know, from people.
"Cheers for doing that.
Do you want this?" He obviously can't say no.
You can't move in here.
What was the job? The cat fell off from the verandah into the neighbour's roof.
So the job was to go up and save the cat.
But if it's their cat and they love it, why aren't they getting the cat? Why are they calling you? They said, "Please come urgently.
" I'll put it on.
It's the right size.
Karl, they found the cat.
They found it? Yeah.
He's just saying.
It was in their living room.
Idiots.
This cat's cross-eyed! I've never seen that before.
It's cos he's trying to focus on stuff in here! The first job we're doing's a cleaning job, now that we know that cat's safe.
The exciting thing is you don't know what job's coming next.
How many jobs can you say that about? Hello.
How are you? When were these last cleaned? They're a bit filthy.
It's a bit odd that she's stood there watching.
She might as well do it herself.
Looking good.
Good? Good.
Cheeky bastard! It would be nice to be offered a brew.
I thought that would have happened as soon as I came in.
Please do it properly.
Oh, shit! I didn't hit it.
It's why it doesn't work.
Why do they have paper? All these little tasks done to perfection, aren't they? Not really.
Perfection would be ripping that A4 paper out and putting in a new one.
It's a bit of a bodge, isn't it? I think it is the sort of thing that I could do and be quite happy with, but is that classed as a vocation? Vocations always have to be something a bit arty or a bit worthy, this is just a job that I quite enjoy doing.
Has she got a newspaper? It's traditional British way.
That good? Tell you what.
Thirsty work, though.
Cup of tea! She's laughing, but she's not getting her finger out! I think we're losing our way a little bit when it comes to work.
It's all about what you can tell your mates you're doing, to impress.
I always look at jobs to see what new things are coming out.
It was a "gastro hygiene attendant" or something.
Know what it was? Washing up pots.
Washing up! It's that thing of making it sound good.
What's the point? It does sound impressive, a gastro hygiene technician.
Someone's going to go, "Tell me about it.
What do you do?" "Wash the pots.
" You should be chuffed with yourself you're not sat on your arse claiming benefit.
I tell you what, he's not short of work, is he? That phone hasn't stopped ringing all morning.
He's going to go off and do one job and let me get on with another.
Manu? I'm Karl.
How are you? I'm not doing nude.
I don't look like that.
That's a very nice look she's got going on.
I don't look like that.
Can I just have a word? Cos I'm not I'm not getting nude.
No.
Would you want me nude on your wall at home? And I wouldn't.
And it's me! I don't like looking at all that.
If I take my pants off in there, they'll quit art and take up science, once they've seen me nude.
They won't want to do it.
This is what this job is, Benriya.
It's not.
I've never heard of it.
You'd never heard of Benriya.
"I've had a busy week waxing floors, cleaning windows, got me cock out!" What job is that? What? Me? I never thought in me head that I'd ever do some modelling.
You know, just cos you sort of You see yourself in the mirror and go, "I can't do that.
Who's going to want to draw that?" They were loving it.
I'm like a 1970s Brute advert.
It just goes to show that you never know, really, what your vocation might be.
You might close doors on stuff that you wouldn't consider.
I look good.
Have you seen this? I look all right.
I would have that on me wall, actually.
I take back what I said.
The day's been worthwhile.
Stuff's got done.
It's a good feeling that.
They're really good.
It's a bit annoying that the blokes have made me look good.
The women see me in a different way.
I'm on me way to meet a bloke called Kenny, who basically grew up in the slums, turned his life around, made a load of money and now he enjoys spending it.
The thing is, you start earning money and it doesn't I don't know.
You can get a bit daft with it, can't you? You don't know how money's going to affect you.
If I won the Lottery tomorrow - and I don't do it because it's too hard, it's impossible - but if I did, I do not know what would happen.
I know there'd be arguments.
Winning a load of money would cause headaches at home.
Suzanne would be wanting holidays all the time.
And I don't want to go away, do I? I'm never at home as it is.
I say, "We can't afford to go away.
" If I win two million quid I can't say we can't afford it.
She'll go, "What's the point in having money if we're not spending it?" "But we bought a nice house and we're never in it.
" "I'm sick of this!" Before you know it, you're falling out and you've ended up with some tart.
It's Karl to see Kenny.
All this security.
Are you Kenny? He is expecting me.
What a load of pissing about.
Imagine if you're his mate and you've got to go through this every time.
I'd never visit him.
You're having a laugh! All right? How you doing? Are you Kenny? That's what I've come for, yeah.
What is going on? I can make me way.
That's fine.
Afternoon.
I take it you're Kenny.
I am all right.
You? What are these? Are these girlfriends or? Right.
To get all this, you're not stupid, so I don't understand how you can be happy handing over £15,000 for a drink.
Oh, I climbed across.
You don't see the Queen do that, do you? Get a taxi.
But a cab does not have this comfort.
It is comfy, I'll give you that.
It's really nice.
Do you know what I'd stress at now, if I was you? I'd be annoyed cos I bought this really nice car.
Doesn't fit in your garage.
It's hanging out the back.
I'll just roll up me things, take me shoes off.
All right.
I'm like a duck, me.
I'm happy just getting me feet wet.
Ooh, it's cold! Oh, fucking hell! This scene now - me sat here, women in the pool, champagne - do you want this because you've seen it in a film or is it what you want? No, this is what I want.
Never been a fan of champagne.
I told him I don't like it, it gives me heartburn.
The other reason is because you take the cork off, the cork shot off.
What happens if I don't want it all? Pringles! Once you pop you can't stop! Well, they still give you a lid.
He's got two Porsches, a Bentley, he's got that Rolls-Royce and he's looking at buying another one.
He's got more cars than I've got shoes.
I believe you have one car.
All right, get two.
Have a van.
I car and a van, in case you need to shift something.
Bloody hell, Kenny! No! Forget it! That's the first time he'd seen that car.
He's gone up there and back.
He said, "Yeah, I'll have it.
" How fast? I spend longer than that when I'm buying a vac! A Dyson.
They're not cheap.
They're the top vac.
I looked them up, different models, looking at the reviews.
I've had enough.
Seriously.
Fuck me! People were saying the handle wasn't very big.
Maybe it's just a bloke with big knuckles.
That is funny! I take time before I buy something.
That's part of the enjoyment for me.
I'm very happy with it.
It comes with a wall bracket.
It's wireless.
You get 15 minutes before you have to plug it in again.
That isn't great, but I've accepted it.
You don't have to get anywhere that fast.
Just leave the house earlier.
He's got an incredible life but, you know, look at today.
He bought that McLaren, did you see any sort of excitment from him? If I'd bought something like that, I'd be over the moon all afternoon.
I'd want to get rid of us so I can play out in it.
But he was like, "Let's move on to the next thing.
" He wanted to show me the township in a helicopter, which is weird.
You could have gone on Google Maps and looked at Street View.
You don't need to go up in a helicopter, but it's Kenny taking it to that next level of don't do things the simple way.
What's the most expensive, glamorous way of doing it? It's not a dilemma I've had, that.
This is the main living area.
Lewis is your butler.
Anything you can think of, Lewis is your guy.
We have a chef.
He'll prepare anything you want.
You've got a wrap-around balcony, so you've got 360-degree views.
Good, isn't it? This is what having money is about.
A bit of peace and quiet, good view.
You get people at home who sit on their arse and don't want to work.
The funny thing is, people work really hard so they can sit on their arse.
You want to sit on your arse in a nicer surrounding.
We all just want to sit on our arse! Some guys have popped in to see you.
They're sent from Kenny.
Are you ready to look at some amazing watches? We have here one of our limited edition models from Chopard together with pens and cufflinks.
Mm.
I don't I don't wear watches at all.
Why don't you wear watches? Just because I've got me phone.
I really don't need cufflinks.
I don't buy a shirt if it don't come with buttons.
I think it's cheeky! It's not a finished shirt! You might as well leave the collar off, sell it in bits.
Well, it's personal preference.
And I don't need a pen.
A pen for me I'll always have a pen.
All the flights I do, I take the free pens.
That does the job.
It's a beautiful gift that some people appreciate.
That's fine, yeah.
How much is that watch without the pen? 99,000.
How much is this one? Around 171,000 rand.
It sort of annoys me a little bit that there's people who are paying that for a watch.
Well, you would be surprised.
Some people can actually appreciate the research, the study, because watch-making is an art.
It used to be.
It's not hard now.
We've got men on the moon.
Bleedin' hell! The size of that! How much is that one? It'll be something stupid.
No point asking.
Thanks for coming.
The bell's going.
We should leave you.
Thank you very much.
It was nice to meet you.
Good luck selling them! No.
You're all right.
Honestly.
Having this done is quite nice.
What I've seen today, I've seen on billboards.
Some of these men's magazines, it's advert after advert.
Some bloke in a pair of trunks with a watch on in the rain! I don't look at it and go, "Oh! One day!" That's fine.
That's ideal.
Lovely.
Thank you very much.
It just goes to show you can have so much money you don't know what to do with it and end up buying crap.
On Bond Street, there's some bags made out of ostrich.
Stuff like that.
All the fuss that Noah went to saving the animals two by two and they make a handbag out of ostrich.
He wasted his time, didn't he? Lewis! Yes.
Do you want to shoot off? No, you can go if you want.
I haven't got anything that needs doing.
You can call it a day.
See ya later, Lewis.
You don't have a butler, these days.
I felt I had to give him stuff to do because that's his job.
At one point, I was thinking, "Send him out for a Twix.
" Batman! He's the only man who I've seen with a butler and thought, "He probably needs one.
" He's always being called out, sorting out problems.
He hasn't got time to make sure he's got food in the fridge.
I don't know what I've learned from this, really.
All I know is I don't want anything really expensive, but I like the views, the natural views.
I've got everything I need - a city view, sea, Table Mountain.
That's what's good about this.
If it didn't have any windows, pretty horrible, isn't it? So I'm relying on nature.
You can't beat nature, can you? And that doesn't cost anything.
Can you look behind me ears cos sometimes they're a bit sore? Slightly dry, just right behind the ear.
Is it cracked skin? This is where I'm meeting Gayton, who's going to teach me how to hustle.
Nobody has hustling as a vocation, do they? I think it's what you do when times are tough, when things aren't quite working out and you need some money.
For you and Kenny as well? I did a bit of buying and selling as a kid.
How much did you pay? 300? How about a little bit less? I'm only here for a few days.
I might come back on holiday.
What about a little bit less? I don't know.
Is there any other fish markets? I've got to go.
I'm getting a better deal.
I was thinking 26.
You really can't? I believe her.
Her eyes are good.
All right, well, let's pay the 45? She's changing the rules.
I want 40 quid's worth of fish.
How much is that in rands? 400 rand.
I want £400,000 worth of fish, cut up £400,000? 400,000 rand.
No you don't.
What do I want? I said I'm a hustler, not a mathematician! Tell you what, that's some weight.
Do I have to carry this round? The way I look at sales is, they either want a fish or they don't, simple as that.
People make out it's harder than it is.
Snook! Want some snook? Hello, hello, hello.
Do you want some snook? 85 a fish.
It's a nice one.
I can sell you one for 80.
Do you want to buy a snook? You get paid Friday? Yeah.
All right.
Me back's killing me.
You can't carry that? It's a bit heavy.
What's happening here? She knows the area.
You employed her? Yes.
Fresh snook! Look at that! Please look at that! It's got too much what? I didn't do it.
It was another I'm sick of this.
It's not happening, is it? I can't make it cheaper.
I paid 50 for a fish.
But that's in the centre.
You've got to get on a bus.
How much is that? It won't be cheaper! You've got to get a bus there and back.
I can't drop the price.
The lowest I can do is 50.
If you want to buy one for 50 we can talk.
Making me feel like a right tit! That's hustling - buying something cheap, selling it for more.
It's business, actually.
It's not hustling.
It's how you do business.
Gayton, it's not happening.
No-one's got any money.
They got paid last Friday.
I don't know how Gayton managed.
They're probably scared of him.
If he came and said, "Buy some fish," you'd buy some fish.
I do? It wouldn't work at home.
There's no way in this world you'd be allowed to just earn money like that.
There's always someone there with a clipboard.
Ever since clipboards came out, that's created hassle.
A clipboard, it's never good news.
Will she buy them back off me at the market? You're not going to get any entre What's it called? .
.
entrepreneurs.
It's not going to happen at home.
It's too much hassle.
You try and you've got someone slapping your arse! "Get back down again! "Who do you think you are?" That's why they have the Dragons' Den.
Years ago, you could just get on with it.
You can't do anything unless you've got Duncan Bannatyne.
I was rubbish, I know.
Good one.
See you later on.
I don't know if it is better than not trying, really.
Cos I'm actually out of pocket.
It's a nice fable he came up with, but it's not better than staying at home.
And I've got a lot of fish I've got to get shot of.
Do you want a free fish? Gayton wants to take me out clubbing.
It's my own fault, cos I said, "You haven't told me what you do.
" He said, "Gonna to take you out.
You'll see what we do - run a club.
" It's annoying, because this place, which I really like, five grand a night, I've hardly been here.
Been flogging fish.
That's why I'm washing me hands.
They stink.
There was a girl at school called Tracy, worked in a chippy.
She always stunk of fish.
It's bad, that.
That's when your job really is taking over your life.
Hi, Kenny.
What's all this about? Right.
Yeah.
Honestly, I'm all right.
What's it all about? I don't want to.
I don't even know her name.
What's your name? Pam, nice to meet you.
Don't be offended.
If I'm going to eat food off her tits, let me get to know her! Is that what it's come to? Look how I struggled today flogging fish.
Look what you've got to do to get people have fish! Later.
What's the rush? That's why it should be in a fridge! I just don't like sushi.
I don't want to kiss fish! What sort of night is this? I thought it was a classy joint! 12 hours on a plane, over 5,000 miles and you've got me licking fish! I don't want to do it.
'King hell! It that a good earner? Yeah.
What are the hours like? Well, it depends.
Any perks? Do you get to take home what hasn't been eaten? Don't laugh! You're going to lose a bit.
It is weird how it's sort of come to that.
I don't know if it's because there's too many people in the world and they've just got to come up with more and more jobs.
It's mental, isn't it? You've got women lying down, food all over them, all-you-can-eat buffet.
All the normal jobs have been taken up.
The National Lottery on the telly! Three people to select six balls! It's so unnecessary.
You've got a bloke with a clipboard, a fellow with a white glove and a bloke to hit the button.
Three people to select six numbers! The world's gone mental.
In terms of vocation and different jobs in the world, it's a job! Sort of better than sitting on your arse.
She IS sitting on her arse, but she's being paid for it.
And that's what we all want, really.
I just didn't want to lick the fish.
What I want to see today is this whole thing of coming to America and living the dream and doing whatever job you want to do.
I want to see if that is true.
I want to look at a job that I know deep down that I'm not cut out for and I want to see how I'd get on at doing that job.
What are you going to do? I'm going to have a go at being a model.
Like a proper model.
I don't mean like the modelling I did in Japan, the Benriya thing, half-nude modelling.
I'm talking catwalk model.
This is a job that it doesn't matter how much you want to do it, if you haven't got the look, they're not going to let you do it.
What'll happen is, she'll come out.
Boom! Walk! That's what I'm talkin' about! Yow! We're making them all walk right now and we'll see timing, how they're going about it.
We'll put you into the mix towards the end and you can test it out.
Click, click, click, click.
So don't smile, then? Not smiling, but you're not scowling, either.
So how would you describe that to me, to do that face? What is it? I tell them to think about smiling without smiling.
Smile without smiling.
Think about it.
No caveman! Keep it upright.
Your mouth doesn't need to be open.
It always is.
Keep your arms simple.
Remember you're a half step in front of her.
No over-swinging.
Relax.
It looks like you're throwing them.
I-I Ah! Try not to swing your arms quite so much.
Would you give me a gig with that head? I probably wouldn't book you.
Gets a little "monkey".
You say "be confident".
How can I be confident when you said that? "You've got arms of a monkey.
" Why say that? If he wants me to walk out there tonight, really confident, I've got that going round in me head.
I've got arms of a monkey.
Cheers! Brilliant.
If I nailed this walk, why is this bit so important to you? You should be looking at that bit.
You are creating something beyond for these people.
You present it in such a way as, "I want to wear that.
I want to feel like that.
"I want to be like that.
" I'm never going to be like that! I've got a fat head.
It's not my fault.
I can do nothing about this.
This was created by me mum and dad.
I have done nothing towards this.
Even if I wanted a thinner head, if I really wanted to be a model, how do you lose weight off your head? No-one's ever brought out a DVD.
"If you've got a fat head, do the workout.
" What do you do? All this here.
That's Twix and lemon muffins.
What workout? What can you do? By the end of the day, he didn't like it, did he? He was saying, "I wouldn't book you.
" Those were his words.
"I wouldn't book you.
" So if I wanted to be a model, I couldn't be a model.
So, you know, sometimes, there's no point chasing your dreams.
What's wrong with the crotch? I don't know why that's It's handy.
They're all laughing, saying I'm a bit old to be a model.
I'm 40.
As you get older your balls drop, right? If there's one man in there who should be wearing these, it is me.
Honestly, I'm touching cloth there! Oh, my gosh! Amazing! Yeah? Yeah! That's awesome! Yes! Really? So good! So good? Yeah.
Really is.
So would you give me a job, or? I'm going to let you look in a mirror.
That's really slick.
It's sharp! OK, yes! What? Are you happy, then? I am really excited.
Can you step back to the dressing room and walk? Yeah, we're golden.
Yes! Initially, he wasn't convinced.
Suddenly, I put this suit on, he's over the moon.
I finished the walk.
He was happy with it, going, "You rocked it.
" Congratulations! Yeah! We did it! It was beautiful.
Thank you.
Happy, Josh? Yes.
It was so good.
I saw you walking and I was like, "He did it.
He did it!" He learned.
Thanks to everybody.
Seriously, good job.
Good one.
Thanks for having me.
I had no idea that I could do this as a job.
It wasn't even in me head before we started this trip, being a model.
So what have I learned? I've just learned that you give anything a go.
If an opportunity comes along, give it a go cos you never know.
When I was in Cape Town and I met Pam, the sushi girl, I'd never heard of that job before.
Not everybody likes fish.
So I've opened it up.
It's the Buffet Man.
'The need for love, marriage and lifelong commitment; 'a yearning to reproduce and the survival of the human race; 'the search for a vocation; the desire to find happiness; 'and the inevitable end - death.
'Karl Pilkington has not given a second thought to any of these.
' This cat's cross-eyed.
I've never seen that.
'Now he's turned 40, he thinks it's time he did.
' 'He's travelling around the world to see how other people deal 'with life's big questions.
' We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissing-about age.
'And to see if the issues are such a big deal anyway.
' 'In this episode, Karl wants to find out whether you need a vocation.
' Waxing floors, cleaning windows, got me cock out! What job is that? 'Should you follow your dreams?' Fucking hell, Kenny! Forget it! 'Or is it just about earning money and enjoying it?' I don't want to kiss fish! What sort of night is this? 'This is The Moaning Of Life.
' Who's the mental one? Is it me or everyone else? It's something that you want to spend your life doing.
"What's your vocation in life?" "Don't know.
" How do you know that you want to do that thing that you pick? If you're known as one of the best surgeons, you can separate Siamese twins and do brain stuff and all that, if you want to knock that on the head, it's harder to walk away.
If you go, "I've had enough of this.
"I'm bored of separating people and brains.
There's me notice.
" They'd be going, "You can't leave! "You're one of the best surgeons in the world.
" "But I've had enough.
" "But there's only a few of you.
"You've got a gift.
Please stay.
" You're sat there doing brain work and you don't even want to.
I can't think of anything worse than not being able to get out of something cos you're so good at it.
So, in a way, never be really good at anything.
It would end up holding you back, I think.
At the end of the day, it's your brain that decides what your vocation's going to be.
Mine hasn't got a clue.
My brain's just full of passwords.
That's all it feels like.
That's why the brain's gone smaller.
It's full of nonsense.
Doctor? Is this definitely on? But I'm not feeling anything.
If possible nine? Four.
He's saying he picks food that's good for his brain.
It's my brain that's picking the food that I eat, so it's food that it wants me to have.
'It's not like there's another bit of me saying, ' "I want a sausage.
" Me brain's telling me that.
In a way, everything I eat is brain food.
I've got no say in it.
'His brain's hungry for knowledge and what-have-you.
' Mine just wants sausages or fish fingers.
You're not eating, you're not sleeping.
So what's it all for? When do you see your wife if you're constantly working? One day? Are they popular? That must be your most successful.
The phone holder.
I don't like swimming.
I'm not very good at it.
He tells me what you have to do is, basically, get close to death to come up with a good idea.
It's another part of brain training.
Jump in a pool, stick your head under and hold your breath for as long as you can.
Apparently, your brain wakes up.
I'm not getting anything.
Not everyone can have a good brain.
Some of us are numbnuts.
In fact, most of the world are numbnuts.
That's it.
We can't all be geniuses.
The world wouldn't work if we were.
There's a lot of shitty jobs in the world that need doing.
The surgeon thing.
It's great messing about with people's brains.
You're scooping dead brain out and sticking it in a bin.
Who's emptying that bin? So stop aiming high and just do something useful.
- How long was that? - About a minute and a half.
I've never done that long.
What did you come up with, then? Nothing.
I was just amazed how long I held my breath.
I think I like the idea of this Benriya thing.
It's more suited to the brain I've got.
I haven't got a brain like Dr NakaMats, have I? Yeah, I like outside work, in the garden.
Painting.
Painting windowsills.
Skirting board.
Cleaning windows.
Just little jobs around the house that I know need doing.
I don't want to get to that point where you're putting stuff right for everyone else but you never have time to sort your own problems out.
Kind of like hairdressers.
They make everyone else's hair look good.
Normally, hairdressers' hair looks fucking stupid.
They haven't had time.
I suppose they can't cut their own hair.
If your barber's got a good haircut, ask him where he's going.
Nicky Clarke, that's why he's a well-known hairdresser.
He's got terrible hair! So this is Benriya, sort of odd-job man.
He's on the phone taking a job in at the moment.
He can do all sorts - cleaning, painting, fixing stuff now and again.
Little perks.
You get given gifts, you know, from people.
"Cheers for doing that.
Do you want this?" He obviously can't say no.
You can't move in here.
What was the job? The cat fell off from the verandah into the neighbour's roof.
So the job was to go up and save the cat.
But if it's their cat and they love it, why aren't they getting the cat? Why are they calling you? They said, "Please come urgently.
" I'll put it on.
It's the right size.
Karl, they found the cat.
They found it? Yeah.
He's just saying.
It was in their living room.
Idiots.
This cat's cross-eyed! I've never seen that before.
It's cos he's trying to focus on stuff in here! The first job we're doing's a cleaning job, now that we know that cat's safe.
The exciting thing is you don't know what job's coming next.
How many jobs can you say that about? Hello.
How are you? When were these last cleaned? They're a bit filthy.
It's a bit odd that she's stood there watching.
She might as well do it herself.
Looking good.
Good? Good.
Cheeky bastard! It would be nice to be offered a brew.
I thought that would have happened as soon as I came in.
Please do it properly.
Oh, shit! I didn't hit it.
It's why it doesn't work.
Why do they have paper? All these little tasks done to perfection, aren't they? Not really.
Perfection would be ripping that A4 paper out and putting in a new one.
It's a bit of a bodge, isn't it? I think it is the sort of thing that I could do and be quite happy with, but is that classed as a vocation? Vocations always have to be something a bit arty or a bit worthy, this is just a job that I quite enjoy doing.
Has she got a newspaper? It's traditional British way.
That good? Tell you what.
Thirsty work, though.
Cup of tea! She's laughing, but she's not getting her finger out! I think we're losing our way a little bit when it comes to work.
It's all about what you can tell your mates you're doing, to impress.
I always look at jobs to see what new things are coming out.
It was a "gastro hygiene attendant" or something.
Know what it was? Washing up pots.
Washing up! It's that thing of making it sound good.
What's the point? It does sound impressive, a gastro hygiene technician.
Someone's going to go, "Tell me about it.
What do you do?" "Wash the pots.
" You should be chuffed with yourself you're not sat on your arse claiming benefit.
I tell you what, he's not short of work, is he? That phone hasn't stopped ringing all morning.
He's going to go off and do one job and let me get on with another.
Manu? I'm Karl.
How are you? I'm not doing nude.
I don't look like that.
That's a very nice look she's got going on.
I don't look like that.
Can I just have a word? Cos I'm not I'm not getting nude.
No.
Would you want me nude on your wall at home? And I wouldn't.
And it's me! I don't like looking at all that.
If I take my pants off in there, they'll quit art and take up science, once they've seen me nude.
They won't want to do it.
This is what this job is, Benriya.
It's not.
I've never heard of it.
You'd never heard of Benriya.
"I've had a busy week waxing floors, cleaning windows, got me cock out!" What job is that? What? Me? I never thought in me head that I'd ever do some modelling.
You know, just cos you sort of You see yourself in the mirror and go, "I can't do that.
Who's going to want to draw that?" They were loving it.
I'm like a 1970s Brute advert.
It just goes to show that you never know, really, what your vocation might be.
You might close doors on stuff that you wouldn't consider.
I look good.
Have you seen this? I look all right.
I would have that on me wall, actually.
I take back what I said.
The day's been worthwhile.
Stuff's got done.
It's a good feeling that.
They're really good.
It's a bit annoying that the blokes have made me look good.
The women see me in a different way.
I'm on me way to meet a bloke called Kenny, who basically grew up in the slums, turned his life around, made a load of money and now he enjoys spending it.
The thing is, you start earning money and it doesn't I don't know.
You can get a bit daft with it, can't you? You don't know how money's going to affect you.
If I won the Lottery tomorrow - and I don't do it because it's too hard, it's impossible - but if I did, I do not know what would happen.
I know there'd be arguments.
Winning a load of money would cause headaches at home.
Suzanne would be wanting holidays all the time.
And I don't want to go away, do I? I'm never at home as it is.
I say, "We can't afford to go away.
" If I win two million quid I can't say we can't afford it.
She'll go, "What's the point in having money if we're not spending it?" "But we bought a nice house and we're never in it.
" "I'm sick of this!" Before you know it, you're falling out and you've ended up with some tart.
It's Karl to see Kenny.
All this security.
Are you Kenny? He is expecting me.
What a load of pissing about.
Imagine if you're his mate and you've got to go through this every time.
I'd never visit him.
You're having a laugh! All right? How you doing? Are you Kenny? That's what I've come for, yeah.
What is going on? I can make me way.
That's fine.
Afternoon.
I take it you're Kenny.
I am all right.
You? What are these? Are these girlfriends or? Right.
To get all this, you're not stupid, so I don't understand how you can be happy handing over £15,000 for a drink.
Oh, I climbed across.
You don't see the Queen do that, do you? Get a taxi.
But a cab does not have this comfort.
It is comfy, I'll give you that.
It's really nice.
Do you know what I'd stress at now, if I was you? I'd be annoyed cos I bought this really nice car.
Doesn't fit in your garage.
It's hanging out the back.
I'll just roll up me things, take me shoes off.
All right.
I'm like a duck, me.
I'm happy just getting me feet wet.
Ooh, it's cold! Oh, fucking hell! This scene now - me sat here, women in the pool, champagne - do you want this because you've seen it in a film or is it what you want? No, this is what I want.
Never been a fan of champagne.
I told him I don't like it, it gives me heartburn.
The other reason is because you take the cork off, the cork shot off.
What happens if I don't want it all? Pringles! Once you pop you can't stop! Well, they still give you a lid.
He's got two Porsches, a Bentley, he's got that Rolls-Royce and he's looking at buying another one.
He's got more cars than I've got shoes.
I believe you have one car.
All right, get two.
Have a van.
I car and a van, in case you need to shift something.
Bloody hell, Kenny! No! Forget it! That's the first time he'd seen that car.
He's gone up there and back.
He said, "Yeah, I'll have it.
" How fast? I spend longer than that when I'm buying a vac! A Dyson.
They're not cheap.
They're the top vac.
I looked them up, different models, looking at the reviews.
I've had enough.
Seriously.
Fuck me! People were saying the handle wasn't very big.
Maybe it's just a bloke with big knuckles.
That is funny! I take time before I buy something.
That's part of the enjoyment for me.
I'm very happy with it.
It comes with a wall bracket.
It's wireless.
You get 15 minutes before you have to plug it in again.
That isn't great, but I've accepted it.
You don't have to get anywhere that fast.
Just leave the house earlier.
He's got an incredible life but, you know, look at today.
He bought that McLaren, did you see any sort of excitment from him? If I'd bought something like that, I'd be over the moon all afternoon.
I'd want to get rid of us so I can play out in it.
But he was like, "Let's move on to the next thing.
" He wanted to show me the township in a helicopter, which is weird.
You could have gone on Google Maps and looked at Street View.
You don't need to go up in a helicopter, but it's Kenny taking it to that next level of don't do things the simple way.
What's the most expensive, glamorous way of doing it? It's not a dilemma I've had, that.
This is the main living area.
Lewis is your butler.
Anything you can think of, Lewis is your guy.
We have a chef.
He'll prepare anything you want.
You've got a wrap-around balcony, so you've got 360-degree views.
Good, isn't it? This is what having money is about.
A bit of peace and quiet, good view.
You get people at home who sit on their arse and don't want to work.
The funny thing is, people work really hard so they can sit on their arse.
You want to sit on your arse in a nicer surrounding.
We all just want to sit on our arse! Some guys have popped in to see you.
They're sent from Kenny.
Are you ready to look at some amazing watches? We have here one of our limited edition models from Chopard together with pens and cufflinks.
Mm.
I don't I don't wear watches at all.
Why don't you wear watches? Just because I've got me phone.
I really don't need cufflinks.
I don't buy a shirt if it don't come with buttons.
I think it's cheeky! It's not a finished shirt! You might as well leave the collar off, sell it in bits.
Well, it's personal preference.
And I don't need a pen.
A pen for me I'll always have a pen.
All the flights I do, I take the free pens.
That does the job.
It's a beautiful gift that some people appreciate.
That's fine, yeah.
How much is that watch without the pen? 99,000.
How much is this one? Around 171,000 rand.
It sort of annoys me a little bit that there's people who are paying that for a watch.
Well, you would be surprised.
Some people can actually appreciate the research, the study, because watch-making is an art.
It used to be.
It's not hard now.
We've got men on the moon.
Bleedin' hell! The size of that! How much is that one? It'll be something stupid.
No point asking.
Thanks for coming.
The bell's going.
We should leave you.
Thank you very much.
It was nice to meet you.
Good luck selling them! No.
You're all right.
Honestly.
Having this done is quite nice.
What I've seen today, I've seen on billboards.
Some of these men's magazines, it's advert after advert.
Some bloke in a pair of trunks with a watch on in the rain! I don't look at it and go, "Oh! One day!" That's fine.
That's ideal.
Lovely.
Thank you very much.
It just goes to show you can have so much money you don't know what to do with it and end up buying crap.
On Bond Street, there's some bags made out of ostrich.
Stuff like that.
All the fuss that Noah went to saving the animals two by two and they make a handbag out of ostrich.
He wasted his time, didn't he? Lewis! Yes.
Do you want to shoot off? No, you can go if you want.
I haven't got anything that needs doing.
You can call it a day.
See ya later, Lewis.
You don't have a butler, these days.
I felt I had to give him stuff to do because that's his job.
At one point, I was thinking, "Send him out for a Twix.
" Batman! He's the only man who I've seen with a butler and thought, "He probably needs one.
" He's always being called out, sorting out problems.
He hasn't got time to make sure he's got food in the fridge.
I don't know what I've learned from this, really.
All I know is I don't want anything really expensive, but I like the views, the natural views.
I've got everything I need - a city view, sea, Table Mountain.
That's what's good about this.
If it didn't have any windows, pretty horrible, isn't it? So I'm relying on nature.
You can't beat nature, can you? And that doesn't cost anything.
Can you look behind me ears cos sometimes they're a bit sore? Slightly dry, just right behind the ear.
Is it cracked skin? This is where I'm meeting Gayton, who's going to teach me how to hustle.
Nobody has hustling as a vocation, do they? I think it's what you do when times are tough, when things aren't quite working out and you need some money.
For you and Kenny as well? I did a bit of buying and selling as a kid.
How much did you pay? 300? How about a little bit less? I'm only here for a few days.
I might come back on holiday.
What about a little bit less? I don't know.
Is there any other fish markets? I've got to go.
I'm getting a better deal.
I was thinking 26.
You really can't? I believe her.
Her eyes are good.
All right, well, let's pay the 45? She's changing the rules.
I want 40 quid's worth of fish.
How much is that in rands? 400 rand.
I want £400,000 worth of fish, cut up £400,000? 400,000 rand.
No you don't.
What do I want? I said I'm a hustler, not a mathematician! Tell you what, that's some weight.
Do I have to carry this round? The way I look at sales is, they either want a fish or they don't, simple as that.
People make out it's harder than it is.
Snook! Want some snook? Hello, hello, hello.
Do you want some snook? 85 a fish.
It's a nice one.
I can sell you one for 80.
Do you want to buy a snook? You get paid Friday? Yeah.
All right.
Me back's killing me.
You can't carry that? It's a bit heavy.
What's happening here? She knows the area.
You employed her? Yes.
Fresh snook! Look at that! Please look at that! It's got too much what? I didn't do it.
It was another I'm sick of this.
It's not happening, is it? I can't make it cheaper.
I paid 50 for a fish.
But that's in the centre.
You've got to get on a bus.
How much is that? It won't be cheaper! You've got to get a bus there and back.
I can't drop the price.
The lowest I can do is 50.
If you want to buy one for 50 we can talk.
Making me feel like a right tit! That's hustling - buying something cheap, selling it for more.
It's business, actually.
It's not hustling.
It's how you do business.
Gayton, it's not happening.
No-one's got any money.
They got paid last Friday.
I don't know how Gayton managed.
They're probably scared of him.
If he came and said, "Buy some fish," you'd buy some fish.
I do? It wouldn't work at home.
There's no way in this world you'd be allowed to just earn money like that.
There's always someone there with a clipboard.
Ever since clipboards came out, that's created hassle.
A clipboard, it's never good news.
Will she buy them back off me at the market? You're not going to get any entre What's it called? .
.
entrepreneurs.
It's not going to happen at home.
It's too much hassle.
You try and you've got someone slapping your arse! "Get back down again! "Who do you think you are?" That's why they have the Dragons' Den.
Years ago, you could just get on with it.
You can't do anything unless you've got Duncan Bannatyne.
I was rubbish, I know.
Good one.
See you later on.
I don't know if it is better than not trying, really.
Cos I'm actually out of pocket.
It's a nice fable he came up with, but it's not better than staying at home.
And I've got a lot of fish I've got to get shot of.
Do you want a free fish? Gayton wants to take me out clubbing.
It's my own fault, cos I said, "You haven't told me what you do.
" He said, "Gonna to take you out.
You'll see what we do - run a club.
" It's annoying, because this place, which I really like, five grand a night, I've hardly been here.
Been flogging fish.
That's why I'm washing me hands.
They stink.
There was a girl at school called Tracy, worked in a chippy.
She always stunk of fish.
It's bad, that.
That's when your job really is taking over your life.
Hi, Kenny.
What's all this about? Right.
Yeah.
Honestly, I'm all right.
What's it all about? I don't want to.
I don't even know her name.
What's your name? Pam, nice to meet you.
Don't be offended.
If I'm going to eat food off her tits, let me get to know her! Is that what it's come to? Look how I struggled today flogging fish.
Look what you've got to do to get people have fish! Later.
What's the rush? That's why it should be in a fridge! I just don't like sushi.
I don't want to kiss fish! What sort of night is this? I thought it was a classy joint! 12 hours on a plane, over 5,000 miles and you've got me licking fish! I don't want to do it.
'King hell! It that a good earner? Yeah.
What are the hours like? Well, it depends.
Any perks? Do you get to take home what hasn't been eaten? Don't laugh! You're going to lose a bit.
It is weird how it's sort of come to that.
I don't know if it's because there's too many people in the world and they've just got to come up with more and more jobs.
It's mental, isn't it? You've got women lying down, food all over them, all-you-can-eat buffet.
All the normal jobs have been taken up.
The National Lottery on the telly! Three people to select six balls! It's so unnecessary.
You've got a bloke with a clipboard, a fellow with a white glove and a bloke to hit the button.
Three people to select six numbers! The world's gone mental.
In terms of vocation and different jobs in the world, it's a job! Sort of better than sitting on your arse.
She IS sitting on her arse, but she's being paid for it.
And that's what we all want, really.
I just didn't want to lick the fish.
What I want to see today is this whole thing of coming to America and living the dream and doing whatever job you want to do.
I want to see if that is true.
I want to look at a job that I know deep down that I'm not cut out for and I want to see how I'd get on at doing that job.
What are you going to do? I'm going to have a go at being a model.
Like a proper model.
I don't mean like the modelling I did in Japan, the Benriya thing, half-nude modelling.
I'm talking catwalk model.
This is a job that it doesn't matter how much you want to do it, if you haven't got the look, they're not going to let you do it.
What'll happen is, she'll come out.
Boom! Walk! That's what I'm talkin' about! Yow! We're making them all walk right now and we'll see timing, how they're going about it.
We'll put you into the mix towards the end and you can test it out.
Click, click, click, click.
So don't smile, then? Not smiling, but you're not scowling, either.
So how would you describe that to me, to do that face? What is it? I tell them to think about smiling without smiling.
Smile without smiling.
Think about it.
No caveman! Keep it upright.
Your mouth doesn't need to be open.
It always is.
Keep your arms simple.
Remember you're a half step in front of her.
No over-swinging.
Relax.
It looks like you're throwing them.
I-I Ah! Try not to swing your arms quite so much.
Would you give me a gig with that head? I probably wouldn't book you.
Gets a little "monkey".
You say "be confident".
How can I be confident when you said that? "You've got arms of a monkey.
" Why say that? If he wants me to walk out there tonight, really confident, I've got that going round in me head.
I've got arms of a monkey.
Cheers! Brilliant.
If I nailed this walk, why is this bit so important to you? You should be looking at that bit.
You are creating something beyond for these people.
You present it in such a way as, "I want to wear that.
I want to feel like that.
"I want to be like that.
" I'm never going to be like that! I've got a fat head.
It's not my fault.
I can do nothing about this.
This was created by me mum and dad.
I have done nothing towards this.
Even if I wanted a thinner head, if I really wanted to be a model, how do you lose weight off your head? No-one's ever brought out a DVD.
"If you've got a fat head, do the workout.
" What do you do? All this here.
That's Twix and lemon muffins.
What workout? What can you do? By the end of the day, he didn't like it, did he? He was saying, "I wouldn't book you.
" Those were his words.
"I wouldn't book you.
" So if I wanted to be a model, I couldn't be a model.
So, you know, sometimes, there's no point chasing your dreams.
What's wrong with the crotch? I don't know why that's It's handy.
They're all laughing, saying I'm a bit old to be a model.
I'm 40.
As you get older your balls drop, right? If there's one man in there who should be wearing these, it is me.
Honestly, I'm touching cloth there! Oh, my gosh! Amazing! Yeah? Yeah! That's awesome! Yes! Really? So good! So good? Yeah.
Really is.
So would you give me a job, or? I'm going to let you look in a mirror.
That's really slick.
It's sharp! OK, yes! What? Are you happy, then? I am really excited.
Can you step back to the dressing room and walk? Yeah, we're golden.
Yes! Initially, he wasn't convinced.
Suddenly, I put this suit on, he's over the moon.
I finished the walk.
He was happy with it, going, "You rocked it.
" Congratulations! Yeah! We did it! It was beautiful.
Thank you.
Happy, Josh? Yes.
It was so good.
I saw you walking and I was like, "He did it.
He did it!" He learned.
Thanks to everybody.
Seriously, good job.
Good one.
Thanks for having me.
I had no idea that I could do this as a job.
It wasn't even in me head before we started this trip, being a model.
So what have I learned? I've just learned that you give anything a go.
If an opportunity comes along, give it a go cos you never know.
When I was in Cape Town and I met Pam, the sushi girl, I'd never heard of that job before.
Not everybody likes fish.
So I've opened it up.
It's the Buffet Man.