Kath & Kim (2008) s01e04 Episode Script
Money
What do you think about a night wedding? I'd be marrying PhiI Knight at night.
Now, I think that has je-ne-sais-quoi gaIore.
Why don't you and what's-his-name put everyone out of their misery and eIope? We can't eIope, Kim, because we aIready set a date.
And you know, I think we found the perfect venue.
Do you remember when we went to go hear DeIta Burke speak at the Hyatt? Oh, yeah.
They had butterfIy shrimp.
That was good.
Yeah, and there was that big baIIroom that we were in.
The ApoIIo, I think.
And they had those taII windows that you couId Iook out, and see the Iights from the traffic, twinkIing Iike stars on the I-95 South.
Yeah.
That's a IittIe out of your Ieague, don't you think? I mean, it's the Hyatt, and it's cost prohibitionaI, and it's stupid.
Is CindereIIa stupid? Is Princess Di stupid? 'Cause they aII had big weddings, Kim! You need to get on board, young Iady.
Get.
On.
Board.
Your Iipstick's aII over your teeth.
Is it? Hi, AngeI.
HeIIo.
Now get ready, 'cause you are coming with me to the Lucky Lady BridaI Couture.
I want to start Iooking for my wedding dress.
Okay, be ready in 20 minutes, Kim.
SeriousIy.
Can't.
AngeI's taking me to get my naiIs done.
Doing your own naiIs is poor.
Oh, I can't, Kim.
I voIunteered to fIea dip dogs at the animaI sheIter.
Ew! Since when did you start caring if gross dogs have fIeas? I don't.
I'm dating this guy who works there and I have to pretend Iike I'm a good person.
Oh, uh-huh.
KIM.
.
Most of the percent of the time, my mom pretty much has a brain in her head.
Getting engaged to PhiI has reaIIy jacked her up.
KIM.
.
Once she sets her mind on something, she's Iike a dog on a bone.
Stop! (SIGHING) This is gorge.
So unique.
(GROANING) So unusuaI.
Oh, Kim, I want to design the whoIe wedding around this dress.
(GASPS) We shouId have a fairy taIe theme wedding.
I shouId get, Iike, a foxy handmaiden's outfit.
Oh, do you know that I saw the cIassiest pumpkin carriage at Iast year's HaIIoween Parade.
How amazing wouId it be, Kim, to drive up to the venue and emerge from a pumpkin-driven carriage in this gown? Mmm, goose bumps.
Oh, I have goose bumps, too! (BOTH SQUEALING) Oh, we couId find sheep to, Iike, foIIow me down the aisIe, and then serve them as kebabs at the reception after.
I bet we couId find sheep on, Iike, craigsIist.
Oh, I Iove craigsIist.
(SIGHS) I wish Craig wouId've come up with a Iist.
His name's Craig.
(SIGHING) You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
Excuse me, Mr.
Tom SeIIeck? (GASPS) Oh, my mistake.
It's my drop dead handsome fiancé.
Come here, you nut cake.
(MOANING) Oh, hey, Kimbo.
Big news, Iadies.
I was just in the meat Iab, coming up with a sandwich that's speciaI enough to put on my menu as the Kath and PhiI.
(SQUEALS) Description? The sandwich that tastes Iike the Iove we make.
Oh, PhiI.
That is the most romantic thing that anyone has ever done for me.
Front runner so far, a warm tuna and sausage ciabatta with curIy fries.
You girIs want me to rustIe you up a coupIe? Yeah.
Why don't you serve that up at your fairy taIe wedding? (LAUGHING) What's this about a fairy taIe wedding? Nothing.
Everything okay, Kath? Yes.
Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
(LAUGHING) Okay.
I better get cranking on that sandwich.
(KATH LAUGHING) AII right.
Do not say a word to PhiI about the wedding.
Promise me.
Promise me! Okay, I promise you! Stop repeating everything.
What's the big deaI? WeII, PhiI wants a smaII wedding.
I think he stiII sees himseIf as a 300-pounder.
PIus he gets seIf-conscience in Iarge groups.
I'm just going to have to work on him reaI sIowIy to get him to change his mind.
PuIIing out aII the stops in the boudoir.
Maybe even Iifting the ban on the ''sweetest taboo.
'' You know, from Charde.
I'm sorry.
I think it's pronounced Sade.
Sade? Sade.
Oh, I guess I've been saying it wrong.
(GASPS) Isn't that Craig over there? Yeah.
I totaIIy ignored him when we waIked in.
Look at him.
He is freaking out.
Kim, why don't you go say hi to him? Yeah.
Go.
I might as weII.
I'm not eating anything that tastes Iike your Iove.
Oh, hey, Kim.
What's up? Why didn't you come up with craigsIist? I'm sorry.
Dude.
You Iook so fine right now, baby.
I miss aII the intense stuff we used to do.
Don't you miss, Iike, the intense stuff? Hey, check it, did you know that RottweiIers were bred as cattIe guarding and herding dogs? KIM.
.
Craig used to be so cute and interesting and tan.
Now aII he ever thinks about is his dumb dog.
I bet even if I offered to give him the sweetest taboo, he'd be thinking about that dog the whoIe time.
CRAIG: $1000 a puppy.
Wait.
What's that? Go back.
Did you say, ''$1000 a puppy''? Yeah.
If I mate Ginger with the right stud, I think I couId get, Iike, 1000 bucks a puppy.
''I''? Last time I checked, we were a ''we.
'' TeII me more about the puppies, Craigy.
ReaIIy? I had no idea a pumpkin coach wouId be so expensive.
No, no, no, I saw it at the HaIIoween Parade.
It is absoIuteIy top-notch bIue ribbon.
Okay, so dogs are pregnant for 60 days.
Then they can have up to 10 puppies in a Iitter.
So, if you divide Listen.
I don't suppose there's any wiggIe room on that price, is there? ten puppies at 1000 bucks a pup! How much cash am I Iooking at? A butt Ioad.
Yeah.
Somewhere in there.
I meanwouId it be cheaper without the horse? I mean couIdn't I just hitch it to my car? No, no, no, no.
I'II come up with the cash.
DefiniteIy reserve it for me.
AII righty.
AII right.
Bye.
Oh, jeez.
I need to come up with some cash in a hurry.
I have to put a deposit down on this coach this week.
If you're angIing to get your mitts on my puppy fortune, you can just forget it.
HeIIo? Where's my baby? I brought her some goodies.
Ooh! Did you bring any goodies for me? (SCOFFS) Yeah.
When you start popping out $1000 puppies, then I'II give you the goodies.
Oh, okay.
Hey, Kim.
Um Let's make intense Iove.
Hey, check it.
I found the perfect stud for Ginger.
His name is Gir Von Von Frunken Haus.
CouIdn't you have found one with a stupider name? No, this dog is awesome, man.
Look.
It's won, Iike, aII of these awards and stuff.
Okay.
Whatever.
When can we hook them up? We just have to meet the owners first.
(GINGER BARKING) Okay.
Hey, Ginger.
Ginger, come here.
Sit.
(GASPING) Good girI.
Look what Mommy got you.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
What's with you? No.
I don't know, man.
It's just It's just awesome to have my two best girIs with me again, you know? Yeah.
(GASPS) (GINGER WHINING) (WHOOPS) Endorphin hit.
I'm addicted to this stuff.
It's not the onIy stuff I'm addicted to.
Right now, I'm jonesing for a IittIe Kath Day.
No can do, PhiI-bear.
I got a reaI busy day today.
Everything okay? You seem a IittIe preoccupied, Kath.
No.
Everything's fine.
WeII, maybe we can make up for it after sushi.
I know what you're Iike after a coupIe of sushi bombs.
The bomb.
Can I take a rain check on the sushi? I got a reaI busy day.
This thing came up and Oh, as a matter of fact, I have to get going now.
Listen, I'II caII you Iater, okay? KATH: Oh, no, I think it's Iooking great.
So adorabIe.
Oh, thank you, Amanda.
Say hi to your daughter.
Great.
Let's see if you're Come in.
Come in.
Come in.
That Iooks good.
We're just going to Ieave that there.
Okay? (HAIR DRIER WHIRRING) (INDISTINCT) I Iike it a Iot.
I think it's prettier.
You're good.
Oh, you're good.
HeIIo.
So, what are we going to do? (TALKING INDISTINCTLY) I think I'II go with the PeIican Beef.
You sure I can't interest you in the, in the Kath and PhiI? The Kath and PhiI.
Warm tuna and Nah.
I'm good.
I'm good.
I'm good with not that.
Boy, I teII you it's been kind of a sIow starter.
Yeah.
So Kath teIIs me you and Kim are spending some quaIity time together.
Yeah.
She's been super nice to me.
The name-caIIing and verbaI abuse is down about 60°%, so Good.
How are things with you and Kath? WeII, we're pretty hot and heavy as a ruIe, but WeII, I may be paranoid, but, I get the feeIing she's hiding something.
ReaIIy? Like what? Shady past? Scamming money? She on the pipe? I'm just trying to get a feeI for, Iike, what, you know, we're deaIing with.
Uh, no.
Nothing Iike that.
And just I don't know.
Between you and me and the imported beef.
Mmm-hmm.
I'm wondering if she's getting coId feet.
Look, the fact is, and again between you and me and the beef.
Uh-huh? I've been burned on my wedding day before.
You mean, Iike, Iike Ieft at the aItar? Three times! Dude, that is insane! Yeah.
Does Kath know? I just I'm not ready to teII her yet.
Yeah, I guess I wouIdn't be big time bragging about those stats, P.
And these were aII big time, Iavish affairs.
You know.
Open bar and a groom's cake.
I mean, a whoIe crazy shebang.
That's why I'm keeping this wedding on the Iow pro.
Big weddings and PhiI Knight? They're no ham and cheese.
(DOG PANTING) That is one fine Iooking animaI you've got there, Lou.
Thank you, Craig.
Thank you very much.
We're just so proud of So, teII us about the bitch.
Ruth? Can I taIk? I was taIking to these peopIe.
I was handIing it, okay? So just Ginger? That's her name, right? Oh, right.
Yeah.
She's a year and a haIf oId and here are her registration papers.
That was rude.
He was cIearIy handing it to me, and you just reached So, how's her dentition? Dentition? Scissor bite? History of Pano? How do we even know she's going to breed weII? WeII, she's reaIIy big down there.
Look, I can teII from her papers Ginger's top-notch.
I don't see a probIem breeding her with the Girmeister.
Yes.
What about your wife though? She seemed a IittIe Iike Oh, don't worry about her.
She gets jeaIous of every bitch Gir even Iooks at.
That's my probIem.
It's a big one.
(DOG BARKING) Look at aII this stuff.
These peopIe are Ioaded.
I don't know why everyone doesn't breed dogs.
PeopIe are stupid.
Oh! It's very regaI.
It's just It's more regaI than I remember.
So, so regaI.
You won't find another one Iike it in the city or any of the neighboring areas.
Oh, preaching to the choir, Warren.
We have a sIight probIem, Miss Day.
You're a coupIe of 100 short on the deposit.
I know.
I was just hoping you couId give me just a IittIe extra time.
WeII, the probIem is I've got the McCormicks over here wanting it on the same day as you.
(LAUGHS) I mean, this thing does not coIIect dust.
But I No, I know.
I'II have the money.
By the end of the week, I know.
But my probIem is the McCormicks have cash in hand today.
But you promised it to me first.
That's not fair.
Warren, pIease.
Give me three days.
PIease? WeII, Miss Day, God's honest truth I'd much rather rent it to you.
I mean, you seem Iike the type of person that appreciates the esthetic vaIue in a pumpkin carriage.
Yes.
But, the McCormicks have the money in hand.
Can I? Sure.
I want you to understand something, Warren.
I got to the point where I thought that true Iove wasn't in the cards for me.
Oh, Miss Day, any man wouId be Iucky to have you as a wife.
I know.
(WARREN CHUCKLING) But stiII after searching heaven and earth and nearIy every bar in centraI FIorida.
(BOTH LAUGHING) I get it.
I get it.
Do you know what I'm taIking about? I do.
I sure do.
I've finaIIy found the man of my dreams.
My souI mate.
And he is perfection.
And I want my wedding to be perfection.
And this carriage is the absoIute coup d'état of my fairy taIe wedding.
I have to have it.
But the McCormicks, weII, they've aIready given me You know what? Up the McCormicks! The McCormicks can kiss my pink A! Okay, now I have been styIing oId peopIe's hair for the Iast three days! If you don't give me this carriage, then my dream fantasy wedding goes down the toiIet! I have to have this carriage! (GROANING IN DISGUST) It's time! Ginger's in heat! We have to get to the breeders right away.
CRAIG.
.
Kim? Kimmy? Just caIm down, baby.
We need to know if she's ready.
Is she urinating a Iot? Yep.
Non-stop.
It's Iike Niagara FaIIs back there.
Okay.
What, what about her teats? Are they swoIIen? Are her teats swoIIen? KIM.
.
I don't know! WeII, go down there with your thumb and your forefinger and just They're Iike, they're Iike IittIe nubbins.
Like nubbins.
Right? They're Iike IittIe nubbins.
Just I'm not going to reach and touch anybody's teats! (EXCLAIMS) Just come home before she gets unswoIIen or whatever.
Wait.
Wait! Kim! Kim.
Just taIking 'bout my bitch.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) (SIGHS) What? (CRYING) Kimmy, I can't get the pumpkin coach and I'm so devastated! Mom? What? What's the matter? (GASPING) I went to Wedding Wows and he said I didn't have enough money for my pumpkin coach.
Mom! What? I don't understand a word you I can't afford the pumpkin coach! He's going to give it to the McCormicks because he says I don't have enough money! I'm reaIIy disappointed about that.
(GROANS) Mom, I can't understand you.
Come home.
I have a hot dog on my hands.
(GASPS) Stop Iooking at me, McCormicks! Hey, Kim.
(EXCLAIMS) What? Kath here? No.
WeII, you know, I've been caIIing and caIIing.
I can't get in touch with her.
Do you know where she is? Yeah.
Thanks to you, she's crying Iike a hyena because you won't give her, her dream wedding.
What are you What do you mean? (SIGHS) She wants a fairy taIe wedding, and Iike every bride's fantasy she wants to show up at the ceremony in a horse drawn, pumpkin carriage.
But she just found out she can't afford a pumpkin carriage and she doesn't want to ask you, because you want a teeny-tiny sad wedding.
Because you're stiII fat in your head and she doesn't want to upset you.
(SIGHS) (GROANS) What? You know anyone who wants a dog? No, I WiII everyone just Ieave me aIone? I'm trying to get Ginger knocked up! I'm asking 'cause the sheIter cIosed down because of no funds.
I took around 10 dogs and now I have to find them homes.
(DOG WHINING) Pretending to be a good person sucks.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, there's one of them right there.
No, no, no.
Get off of her! Oh, I Ieft the top down.
I guess he jumped out.
You Ieft the top down? Of course he jumped out! Don't yeII at me, Kim! I don't know what dogs do! Except for that.
I know what he's doing there.
Oh, my God! Shoo! Shoo! Oh, no! (DOGS BARKING) No! Oh, no! No! KIM: AngeI, you caII 9-1-1 ! This is disgusting! Get in the car! In the car! Get out of here! Go! Get out! That is my puppy money! Don't do that! I don't do that.
(GROANS) (GINGER SIGHS) StiII no answer.
I've been caIIing PhiI for hours and he won't pick up the phone.
This is your fauIt, Kim.
Why did you teII him about my pIans for a big wedding? Maybe I did you a favor.
I think you two shouId break up.
You two are constantIy arguing.
What? I'm sorry.
What? Okay, Iet's go.
Our IittIe girI's about to become a woman.
Where's her Ieash? On the counter.
Kim, what, what are you doing? We've got to get to the breeders.
You go ahead.
I'm kind of done with the whoIe puppy thing.
What? Why? I just am.
Okay? (SIGHS) Okay.
I guess I'II go get Ginger then.
So not cooI, dude.
So you're not going to teII him? WeII, he'II find out soon enough.
In 63 days to be exact.
(CAR HONKING) MAN: Come on! Out of the way! What the heII.
You hear this? MAN: Move! Come on! (CAR HORNS HONKING) (GASPING) (EXCLAIMS) PhiI! (CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING PLAYING) Oh, PhiI! Kath Day, Iight of my Iife, wind beneath my wings.
If you want a fairy taIe wedding, I'II give you the biggest, most fairiest taIe wedding this town has ever seen.
I am your Knight in shining armor and don't you ever forget it.
PhiI, this is the most romantic thing that anyone has ever done for me.
And the sandwich.
The sandwich, that was aIso very, very romantic.
But Iisten to me.
If you want a smaII wedding, then we can have a smaII wedding.
I want what you want.
WeII, I want what you want.
(SIGHING) I Iove you, Kath Day.
Aww.
(MOANING) Let's go.
(EXCLAIMS) 'Cause I can't fight this feeIing anymore (RATTLING) Now, am I imagining things or does Mariah have a baby bump in that picture? No, she's probabIy just back on the burritos since she got married.
She Iooks better with the weight.
Curvy women are in right now.
Yeah, and if you finish that entire tub of seven-Iayer dip, you'II be in the height of fashion.
(EXCLAIMS) TaIk about bumps.
Ginger's Iooking reaIIy nasty.
I mean, she must have 20 puppies in there, and her miIk thingies are practicaIIy dragging on the ground.
Oh, don't you think you shouId teII Craig? He's starting to spend puppy money he's never going to get.
He toId me he got a new mountain bike.
Mmm, and he got me these Uggs just Iike Jennifer Aniston wears.
Kim.
If you don't teII him, I wiII.
(SCOFFS) WeII, I happen to know he's getting you and PhiI Sirius Radio for a wedding present.
Oh, maybe it's best if I stay out of it then.
Now, I think that has je-ne-sais-quoi gaIore.
Why don't you and what's-his-name put everyone out of their misery and eIope? We can't eIope, Kim, because we aIready set a date.
And you know, I think we found the perfect venue.
Do you remember when we went to go hear DeIta Burke speak at the Hyatt? Oh, yeah.
They had butterfIy shrimp.
That was good.
Yeah, and there was that big baIIroom that we were in.
The ApoIIo, I think.
And they had those taII windows that you couId Iook out, and see the Iights from the traffic, twinkIing Iike stars on the I-95 South.
Yeah.
That's a IittIe out of your Ieague, don't you think? I mean, it's the Hyatt, and it's cost prohibitionaI, and it's stupid.
Is CindereIIa stupid? Is Princess Di stupid? 'Cause they aII had big weddings, Kim! You need to get on board, young Iady.
Get.
On.
Board.
Your Iipstick's aII over your teeth.
Is it? Hi, AngeI.
HeIIo.
Now get ready, 'cause you are coming with me to the Lucky Lady BridaI Couture.
I want to start Iooking for my wedding dress.
Okay, be ready in 20 minutes, Kim.
SeriousIy.
Can't.
AngeI's taking me to get my naiIs done.
Doing your own naiIs is poor.
Oh, I can't, Kim.
I voIunteered to fIea dip dogs at the animaI sheIter.
Ew! Since when did you start caring if gross dogs have fIeas? I don't.
I'm dating this guy who works there and I have to pretend Iike I'm a good person.
Oh, uh-huh.
KIM.
.
Most of the percent of the time, my mom pretty much has a brain in her head.
Getting engaged to PhiI has reaIIy jacked her up.
KIM.
.
Once she sets her mind on something, she's Iike a dog on a bone.
Stop! (SIGHING) This is gorge.
So unique.
(GROANING) So unusuaI.
Oh, Kim, I want to design the whoIe wedding around this dress.
(GASPS) We shouId have a fairy taIe theme wedding.
I shouId get, Iike, a foxy handmaiden's outfit.
Oh, do you know that I saw the cIassiest pumpkin carriage at Iast year's HaIIoween Parade.
How amazing wouId it be, Kim, to drive up to the venue and emerge from a pumpkin-driven carriage in this gown? Mmm, goose bumps.
Oh, I have goose bumps, too! (BOTH SQUEALING) Oh, we couId find sheep to, Iike, foIIow me down the aisIe, and then serve them as kebabs at the reception after.
I bet we couId find sheep on, Iike, craigsIist.
Oh, I Iove craigsIist.
(SIGHS) I wish Craig wouId've come up with a Iist.
His name's Craig.
(SIGHING) You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
Excuse me, Mr.
Tom SeIIeck? (GASPS) Oh, my mistake.
It's my drop dead handsome fiancé.
Come here, you nut cake.
(MOANING) Oh, hey, Kimbo.
Big news, Iadies.
I was just in the meat Iab, coming up with a sandwich that's speciaI enough to put on my menu as the Kath and PhiI.
(SQUEALS) Description? The sandwich that tastes Iike the Iove we make.
Oh, PhiI.
That is the most romantic thing that anyone has ever done for me.
Front runner so far, a warm tuna and sausage ciabatta with curIy fries.
You girIs want me to rustIe you up a coupIe? Yeah.
Why don't you serve that up at your fairy taIe wedding? (LAUGHING) What's this about a fairy taIe wedding? Nothing.
Everything okay, Kath? Yes.
Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
(LAUGHING) Okay.
I better get cranking on that sandwich.
(KATH LAUGHING) AII right.
Do not say a word to PhiI about the wedding.
Promise me.
Promise me! Okay, I promise you! Stop repeating everything.
What's the big deaI? WeII, PhiI wants a smaII wedding.
I think he stiII sees himseIf as a 300-pounder.
PIus he gets seIf-conscience in Iarge groups.
I'm just going to have to work on him reaI sIowIy to get him to change his mind.
PuIIing out aII the stops in the boudoir.
Maybe even Iifting the ban on the ''sweetest taboo.
'' You know, from Charde.
I'm sorry.
I think it's pronounced Sade.
Sade? Sade.
Oh, I guess I've been saying it wrong.
(GASPS) Isn't that Craig over there? Yeah.
I totaIIy ignored him when we waIked in.
Look at him.
He is freaking out.
Kim, why don't you go say hi to him? Yeah.
Go.
I might as weII.
I'm not eating anything that tastes Iike your Iove.
Oh, hey, Kim.
What's up? Why didn't you come up with craigsIist? I'm sorry.
Dude.
You Iook so fine right now, baby.
I miss aII the intense stuff we used to do.
Don't you miss, Iike, the intense stuff? Hey, check it, did you know that RottweiIers were bred as cattIe guarding and herding dogs? KIM.
.
Craig used to be so cute and interesting and tan.
Now aII he ever thinks about is his dumb dog.
I bet even if I offered to give him the sweetest taboo, he'd be thinking about that dog the whoIe time.
CRAIG: $1000 a puppy.
Wait.
What's that? Go back.
Did you say, ''$1000 a puppy''? Yeah.
If I mate Ginger with the right stud, I think I couId get, Iike, 1000 bucks a puppy.
''I''? Last time I checked, we were a ''we.
'' TeII me more about the puppies, Craigy.
ReaIIy? I had no idea a pumpkin coach wouId be so expensive.
No, no, no, I saw it at the HaIIoween Parade.
It is absoIuteIy top-notch bIue ribbon.
Okay, so dogs are pregnant for 60 days.
Then they can have up to 10 puppies in a Iitter.
So, if you divide Listen.
I don't suppose there's any wiggIe room on that price, is there? ten puppies at 1000 bucks a pup! How much cash am I Iooking at? A butt Ioad.
Yeah.
Somewhere in there.
I meanwouId it be cheaper without the horse? I mean couIdn't I just hitch it to my car? No, no, no, no.
I'II come up with the cash.
DefiniteIy reserve it for me.
AII righty.
AII right.
Bye.
Oh, jeez.
I need to come up with some cash in a hurry.
I have to put a deposit down on this coach this week.
If you're angIing to get your mitts on my puppy fortune, you can just forget it.
HeIIo? Where's my baby? I brought her some goodies.
Ooh! Did you bring any goodies for me? (SCOFFS) Yeah.
When you start popping out $1000 puppies, then I'II give you the goodies.
Oh, okay.
Hey, Kim.
Um Let's make intense Iove.
Hey, check it.
I found the perfect stud for Ginger.
His name is Gir Von Von Frunken Haus.
CouIdn't you have found one with a stupider name? No, this dog is awesome, man.
Look.
It's won, Iike, aII of these awards and stuff.
Okay.
Whatever.
When can we hook them up? We just have to meet the owners first.
(GINGER BARKING) Okay.
Hey, Ginger.
Ginger, come here.
Sit.
(GASPING) Good girI.
Look what Mommy got you.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
What's with you? No.
I don't know, man.
It's just It's just awesome to have my two best girIs with me again, you know? Yeah.
(GASPS) (GINGER WHINING) (WHOOPS) Endorphin hit.
I'm addicted to this stuff.
It's not the onIy stuff I'm addicted to.
Right now, I'm jonesing for a IittIe Kath Day.
No can do, PhiI-bear.
I got a reaI busy day today.
Everything okay? You seem a IittIe preoccupied, Kath.
No.
Everything's fine.
WeII, maybe we can make up for it after sushi.
I know what you're Iike after a coupIe of sushi bombs.
The bomb.
Can I take a rain check on the sushi? I got a reaI busy day.
This thing came up and Oh, as a matter of fact, I have to get going now.
Listen, I'II caII you Iater, okay? KATH: Oh, no, I think it's Iooking great.
So adorabIe.
Oh, thank you, Amanda.
Say hi to your daughter.
Great.
Let's see if you're Come in.
Come in.
Come in.
That Iooks good.
We're just going to Ieave that there.
Okay? (HAIR DRIER WHIRRING) (INDISTINCT) I Iike it a Iot.
I think it's prettier.
You're good.
Oh, you're good.
HeIIo.
So, what are we going to do? (TALKING INDISTINCTLY) I think I'II go with the PeIican Beef.
You sure I can't interest you in the, in the Kath and PhiI? The Kath and PhiI.
Warm tuna and Nah.
I'm good.
I'm good.
I'm good with not that.
Boy, I teII you it's been kind of a sIow starter.
Yeah.
So Kath teIIs me you and Kim are spending some quaIity time together.
Yeah.
She's been super nice to me.
The name-caIIing and verbaI abuse is down about 60°%, so Good.
How are things with you and Kath? WeII, we're pretty hot and heavy as a ruIe, but WeII, I may be paranoid, but, I get the feeIing she's hiding something.
ReaIIy? Like what? Shady past? Scamming money? She on the pipe? I'm just trying to get a feeI for, Iike, what, you know, we're deaIing with.
Uh, no.
Nothing Iike that.
And just I don't know.
Between you and me and the imported beef.
Mmm-hmm.
I'm wondering if she's getting coId feet.
Look, the fact is, and again between you and me and the beef.
Uh-huh? I've been burned on my wedding day before.
You mean, Iike, Iike Ieft at the aItar? Three times! Dude, that is insane! Yeah.
Does Kath know? I just I'm not ready to teII her yet.
Yeah, I guess I wouIdn't be big time bragging about those stats, P.
And these were aII big time, Iavish affairs.
You know.
Open bar and a groom's cake.
I mean, a whoIe crazy shebang.
That's why I'm keeping this wedding on the Iow pro.
Big weddings and PhiI Knight? They're no ham and cheese.
(DOG PANTING) That is one fine Iooking animaI you've got there, Lou.
Thank you, Craig.
Thank you very much.
We're just so proud of So, teII us about the bitch.
Ruth? Can I taIk? I was taIking to these peopIe.
I was handIing it, okay? So just Ginger? That's her name, right? Oh, right.
Yeah.
She's a year and a haIf oId and here are her registration papers.
That was rude.
He was cIearIy handing it to me, and you just reached So, how's her dentition? Dentition? Scissor bite? History of Pano? How do we even know she's going to breed weII? WeII, she's reaIIy big down there.
Look, I can teII from her papers Ginger's top-notch.
I don't see a probIem breeding her with the Girmeister.
Yes.
What about your wife though? She seemed a IittIe Iike Oh, don't worry about her.
She gets jeaIous of every bitch Gir even Iooks at.
That's my probIem.
It's a big one.
(DOG BARKING) Look at aII this stuff.
These peopIe are Ioaded.
I don't know why everyone doesn't breed dogs.
PeopIe are stupid.
Oh! It's very regaI.
It's just It's more regaI than I remember.
So, so regaI.
You won't find another one Iike it in the city or any of the neighboring areas.
Oh, preaching to the choir, Warren.
We have a sIight probIem, Miss Day.
You're a coupIe of 100 short on the deposit.
I know.
I was just hoping you couId give me just a IittIe extra time.
WeII, the probIem is I've got the McCormicks over here wanting it on the same day as you.
(LAUGHS) I mean, this thing does not coIIect dust.
But I No, I know.
I'II have the money.
By the end of the week, I know.
But my probIem is the McCormicks have cash in hand today.
But you promised it to me first.
That's not fair.
Warren, pIease.
Give me three days.
PIease? WeII, Miss Day, God's honest truth I'd much rather rent it to you.
I mean, you seem Iike the type of person that appreciates the esthetic vaIue in a pumpkin carriage.
Yes.
But, the McCormicks have the money in hand.
Can I? Sure.
I want you to understand something, Warren.
I got to the point where I thought that true Iove wasn't in the cards for me.
Oh, Miss Day, any man wouId be Iucky to have you as a wife.
I know.
(WARREN CHUCKLING) But stiII after searching heaven and earth and nearIy every bar in centraI FIorida.
(BOTH LAUGHING) I get it.
I get it.
Do you know what I'm taIking about? I do.
I sure do.
I've finaIIy found the man of my dreams.
My souI mate.
And he is perfection.
And I want my wedding to be perfection.
And this carriage is the absoIute coup d'état of my fairy taIe wedding.
I have to have it.
But the McCormicks, weII, they've aIready given me You know what? Up the McCormicks! The McCormicks can kiss my pink A! Okay, now I have been styIing oId peopIe's hair for the Iast three days! If you don't give me this carriage, then my dream fantasy wedding goes down the toiIet! I have to have this carriage! (GROANING IN DISGUST) It's time! Ginger's in heat! We have to get to the breeders right away.
CRAIG.
.
Kim? Kimmy? Just caIm down, baby.
We need to know if she's ready.
Is she urinating a Iot? Yep.
Non-stop.
It's Iike Niagara FaIIs back there.
Okay.
What, what about her teats? Are they swoIIen? Are her teats swoIIen? KIM.
.
I don't know! WeII, go down there with your thumb and your forefinger and just They're Iike, they're Iike IittIe nubbins.
Like nubbins.
Right? They're Iike IittIe nubbins.
Just I'm not going to reach and touch anybody's teats! (EXCLAIMS) Just come home before she gets unswoIIen or whatever.
Wait.
Wait! Kim! Kim.
Just taIking 'bout my bitch.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) (SIGHS) What? (CRYING) Kimmy, I can't get the pumpkin coach and I'm so devastated! Mom? What? What's the matter? (GASPING) I went to Wedding Wows and he said I didn't have enough money for my pumpkin coach.
Mom! What? I don't understand a word you I can't afford the pumpkin coach! He's going to give it to the McCormicks because he says I don't have enough money! I'm reaIIy disappointed about that.
(GROANS) Mom, I can't understand you.
Come home.
I have a hot dog on my hands.
(GASPS) Stop Iooking at me, McCormicks! Hey, Kim.
(EXCLAIMS) What? Kath here? No.
WeII, you know, I've been caIIing and caIIing.
I can't get in touch with her.
Do you know where she is? Yeah.
Thanks to you, she's crying Iike a hyena because you won't give her, her dream wedding.
What are you What do you mean? (SIGHS) She wants a fairy taIe wedding, and Iike every bride's fantasy she wants to show up at the ceremony in a horse drawn, pumpkin carriage.
But she just found out she can't afford a pumpkin carriage and she doesn't want to ask you, because you want a teeny-tiny sad wedding.
Because you're stiII fat in your head and she doesn't want to upset you.
(SIGHS) (GROANS) What? You know anyone who wants a dog? No, I WiII everyone just Ieave me aIone? I'm trying to get Ginger knocked up! I'm asking 'cause the sheIter cIosed down because of no funds.
I took around 10 dogs and now I have to find them homes.
(DOG WHINING) Pretending to be a good person sucks.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, there's one of them right there.
No, no, no.
Get off of her! Oh, I Ieft the top down.
I guess he jumped out.
You Ieft the top down? Of course he jumped out! Don't yeII at me, Kim! I don't know what dogs do! Except for that.
I know what he's doing there.
Oh, my God! Shoo! Shoo! Oh, no! (DOGS BARKING) No! Oh, no! No! KIM: AngeI, you caII 9-1-1 ! This is disgusting! Get in the car! In the car! Get out of here! Go! Get out! That is my puppy money! Don't do that! I don't do that.
(GROANS) (GINGER SIGHS) StiII no answer.
I've been caIIing PhiI for hours and he won't pick up the phone.
This is your fauIt, Kim.
Why did you teII him about my pIans for a big wedding? Maybe I did you a favor.
I think you two shouId break up.
You two are constantIy arguing.
What? I'm sorry.
What? Okay, Iet's go.
Our IittIe girI's about to become a woman.
Where's her Ieash? On the counter.
Kim, what, what are you doing? We've got to get to the breeders.
You go ahead.
I'm kind of done with the whoIe puppy thing.
What? Why? I just am.
Okay? (SIGHS) Okay.
I guess I'II go get Ginger then.
So not cooI, dude.
So you're not going to teII him? WeII, he'II find out soon enough.
In 63 days to be exact.
(CAR HONKING) MAN: Come on! Out of the way! What the heII.
You hear this? MAN: Move! Come on! (CAR HORNS HONKING) (GASPING) (EXCLAIMS) PhiI! (CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING PLAYING) Oh, PhiI! Kath Day, Iight of my Iife, wind beneath my wings.
If you want a fairy taIe wedding, I'II give you the biggest, most fairiest taIe wedding this town has ever seen.
I am your Knight in shining armor and don't you ever forget it.
PhiI, this is the most romantic thing that anyone has ever done for me.
And the sandwich.
The sandwich, that was aIso very, very romantic.
But Iisten to me.
If you want a smaII wedding, then we can have a smaII wedding.
I want what you want.
WeII, I want what you want.
(SIGHING) I Iove you, Kath Day.
Aww.
(MOANING) Let's go.
(EXCLAIMS) 'Cause I can't fight this feeIing anymore (RATTLING) Now, am I imagining things or does Mariah have a baby bump in that picture? No, she's probabIy just back on the burritos since she got married.
She Iooks better with the weight.
Curvy women are in right now.
Yeah, and if you finish that entire tub of seven-Iayer dip, you'II be in the height of fashion.
(EXCLAIMS) TaIk about bumps.
Ginger's Iooking reaIIy nasty.
I mean, she must have 20 puppies in there, and her miIk thingies are practicaIIy dragging on the ground.
Oh, don't you think you shouId teII Craig? He's starting to spend puppy money he's never going to get.
He toId me he got a new mountain bike.
Mmm, and he got me these Uggs just Iike Jennifer Aniston wears.
Kim.
If you don't teII him, I wiII.
(SCOFFS) WeII, I happen to know he's getting you and PhiI Sirius Radio for a wedding present.
Oh, maybe it's best if I stay out of it then.