Kirstie (2013) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Kirstie is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
We got to cut down this Christmas bonus list.
I don't know half these people.
Who is Juan? The swarthy maintenance guy With the extra large toolbox? Oh, Juan! Yeah, I'm gonna deliver this one myself.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing with that tree? You know I don't like life in the house.
It may not be perfect, but my adopted parents and I used to always pick out the Christmas tree we knew nobody else would want.
- Aw, that's so Charlie Brown.
- Thanks.
I hate Charlie Brown.
So where do you guys keep all the Christmas decorations? We don't really do Christmas around here, Arlo.
- Seriously? - Well, Maddie works over the Holidays, so after the Christmas Eve show, me and Frank take our bonus checks.
I go to Atlantic City, and he does whatever the hell he does.
I'm going helicopter skiing.
You know, they drop you down on top of a glacier.
It's like - You must be an expert.
- Never been.
See, our holiday plans are all set.
He's risking his life, she's risking her retirement, and I'll be unwrapping Juan's gift in the boiler room.
Christmas couldn't get merrier than that, could it? Well, you guys all at least exchange gifts, right? - Of course.
- Checks? That's so impersonal.
What, were you gonna give me a check too? No Maddie, maybe you should reconsider doing Christmas this year.
Arlo keeps talking about all these wonderful holiday memories With his mother.
Well, holiday memories with my mother are not wonderful.
She used to get drunk and throw our Christmas potato at us.
I'm sorry, it sounded like you said "Christmas potato"? Yeah, you know, that tradition where the matriarch of the family wakes you up Christmas morning with a hot baked spud to the head? It was in my book, people.
Maddie, look at him.
He's like one of those kids whose lives you can change for only 16¢ a month.
Arlo Listen up.
You and I are gonna have a real Christmas just like you had with your other family.
- Awesome! - What did you guys do? Well, you know, the normal stuff.
We'd hang lights.
We'd put up a nativity scene.
- We'd make a gingerbread house - We'll do all that.
But let's keep it small.
- Maddie, what did you do? - Do you love it? The theme is "A Victorian Winter Wonderland.
" Uh, where did you put my tree? Doesn't it smell wonderful? Feel the warmth.
Season 1, Episode 4 "Little Bummer Boy" You know, I'm really getting into this whole "Spirit of Christmas" crap.
We've got lights, a gingerbread house.
Have you met the Three Wise Men? Uh, is that a real baby in there? Enjoy him now, kid.
He can only work four hours a day.
- Let me guess, Santa's choppering in? - No, Frank's making snow on the balcony.
He's cutting it with baking soda out of habit.
- Maddie, can we talk? - Yeah.
Hey, kid, Happy Holidays.
Look, I'm not trying to go all Christmas Nazi on you.
Oh, I'm glad, because that would be a terrible theme.
Maddie, that out there Is awesome, undeniably.
- It's just a little over the top.
- Thank you.
This this is like Christmas at Macy's.
I mean, you have professional actors out there.
"Professional?" You should have seen Balthasar in The Wiz.
Thumbs down.
Listen, the holiday is about spending time with your family.
I don't care if we just string some popcorn.
- That's what me and my mom used to do.
- Oh, okay.
Well, if that's what your mom used to do, then that's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna have a dead mom Christmas.
Also not a great theme.
Merry Christmas Eve, everyone.
Yeah, open 'em at the same time.
- Pickles? - No, not just pickles.
I've been working on my brining technique.
Yeah, this is the two-hour pickle.
You know the worst part of pickles, when the taste runs out? Well, not with a Frank Baxter two-hour pickle.
That's 120 minutes of garlic, dill, and a rare African spice called Well, I won't be regifting this one.
That's for sure.
Okay, it's my turn! It's my turn! Don't let the check shape fool you.
They're not checks.
They're gift certificates! So it's like a check you can use in fewer places and can't cash.
Yes, and the great part is that every dollar you spend, I get miles! Enjoy.
Okay, my turn.
Now first, for the woman who welcomed me here with open arms.
Thelma Oh, my God.
That is so thoughtful! Arlo, I love it! A wooden turtle is not a better gift than a gift certificate To selected stores and kiosks.
Thelma collects turtles.
- She does not.
- Yes, I do.
Well, then stop it.
You're a grown woman.
Okay, Maddie, are you ready? 'Cause that's your gift from me.
And I don't want to toot my own horn, but be ready to be bowled over.
What? I hope it isn't a Santa stripper.
Although I have been pretty naughty.
Merry Christmas! - Mother! - I read your book.
Here's your Christmas potato.
- I'm Arlo, your grandson.
- So you're the little boomerang.
- Come to grandma.
- Don't, it's a trick.
You seem like real folk.
I misjudged you.
You did sleep with someone who couldn't further your career.
For your information, I slept with tons of guys for no reason at all! That's true.
She's not just bragging.
Well, come on.
Aren't you gonna hug your mother? - Mother.
- Daughter.
Is there a window open? Arlo, you really shouldn't have done this.
Come on, the woman only lives three hours away.
It's crazy you never see each other, especially on Christmas.
You saw her throw a potato at me.
We don't get along.
Yeah, I picked up on that, but she's here.
Let's just have a little fun.
There's nothing a little decking the halls and hanging the stockings won't cure.
Oh, there will be decking and hanging.
Don't blame the kid.
He called and begged me to come.
I thought you were on the drugs again.
I wish.
Mrs.
Kluszewski, I'm Thelma Katz.
We met many years ago.
Yeah, I know.
You're the crazy turtle lady.
And this is Frank Baxter, Maddie's driver.
Frank, Shirley Kluszewski.
Well, I see where Maddie gets her beauty.
And her psychotic gaze.
Well, now that I'm here, why don't you give me that 20 grand we talked about? - We never talked about any 20 grand.
- Oh, we just did.
- Can I get you a drink? - Do you have any peppermint schnapps? - No.
- Didn't think so.
Well, I'm sure you guys have a lot of catching up to do, and I got a Blackjack table waiting for me in Atlantic City.
And I've got a glacier to fall down.
Was your face always that flat? Looks like someone hit you with a frying pan.
Frank, Thelma, may I speak to you in the kitchen a moment? Wow, you and Maddie are really rough on each other.
Actually, this is the best we've ever gotten along.
Must be your influence, chunky.
Ha, I have a nickname.
Feels just like gym class.
Good news! Look who decided to stay home for Christmas.
Incoming.
Baby Bird and Crazy Bird are heading to the nest.
Mother, you knew it was intermission.
You didn't need to stand up and yell, "Oh, you mean there's more?" My first instinct was to pull the fire alarm.
So what did you think of your daughter's play, Mrs.
Kluszewski? The part I was awake for was okay.
See? She liked it.
She wasn't in that part.
It's okay, 12 more hours, and she'll be gone, like that rash you got when you had to fly coach.
So maybe we ought to call it a night.
What? No, no.
What are you talking about? We haven't made pfeffernusse, or put on our Christmas pajamas.
That is not your child.
Arlo and his adopted mother had a lot of Christmas traditions.
How sweet.
I always envied parents who had lovable children.
That's it.
I need to speak with my mother alone.
If the three of you could please excuse us, we - What the hell is this about? - What? This "Grandmother of the year" act.
You cannot erase what a crappy mother you were to me by being nice to Arlo for one day.
"Crappy mother"? I'm not gonna stand here without a drink and listen to this! You know what? You never took any interest in anything I did.
The only thing I could count on you for was to never show up at one of my school plays.
I don't remember that.
- You don't remember your third husband.
- I do too.
He used to shave his ass and wear my shoes.
God Now it's Christmas! So your entire family used to wear these things? Yeah, there's a really funny story behind it.
Yeah, I'll take your word for it.
Hey! I wanna bake cookies too.
Since when do you bake cookies? Eat 'em Like hyenas on a zebra.
But bake 'em? - Thelma and Frank, come and have fun! - No, I'm tired! - And I look stupid! - We all look stupid! Get in here! Well, I'm beginning to think it was a mistake going commando.
Come on.
Let's make puffernoosers.
Pu noosergutters.
Let's make pot What are they called again? Pfeffernusse.
That's not a real word.
Okay, first, we're gonna need two eggs.
I know what it is! It's a nuganflogger.
Look at you.
You're embarrassing yourself.
No, you're embarrassing myself! You want 'em separated? - No, just in a bowl.
- I meant them.
That's disgusting.
No wonder you're still single.
Hey, you did that on purpose.
Listen, I have been raising this kid for 13 long days.
You can't just swoop in here and steal my thunder! Oh, awesome.
Look, I found the nutmeg! - My mom always had fresh-grated nut - And, you, enough with the mom! I'm so sick of hearing about your freaking mother! I get it, I get it.
She was a saint.
I'm an idiot.
She's better than me.
- What are you talking about? - All of this.
All all of this.
I did all of this for you, and it still isn't good enough! You know what? Every time I turn around, all I hear is, "Oh, my mother knit our stockings.
" "My mother can make a freaking owl out of pine cones!" I could be drunk in bed right now.
- You are drunk.
- I could be in bed! You know what? I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad you gave me up for adoption.
- At least I wasn't raised to be like you.
- Finish her! You two are made for each other.
Merry Christmas.
Did your mother make up that expression too? - What are you grinning about? - I never clocked out.
I'm getting double overtime for this.
It's open.
- Just wanted to say good-bye.
- You're leaving? Well, the fun part of the night's over.
Well, thanks for coming.
Sorry the whole holiday was a bust.
Uh, Arlo Obviously, your mother and I Aren't exactly what you might call People who like each other.
- But you should know this about her.
- Can't wait.
Well, when she was about seven Eight months pregnant, she came to me and asked Really begged me to help raise you.
- Why? - Well, she wanted a career.
Oh, she wanted you too.
I was always against the acting thing.
I thought it was a step below a carny.
But it was out of spite, more than anything, that I refused to help her.
I told her, if she was going to have this baby, she was gonna do it all on her own, and, um It scared the hell out of her.
I was the reason she gave you up for Adoption.
You told him what? Oh, some B.
S.
story that I was the reason why you gave him up.
I figured I'd just take the heat off you.
- I don't know what to say.
- I do.
Pay to the order of Shirley Kluszewski, 20 grand.
Gotta hand it to you.
You earned it this time.
Merry Christmas, mother.
We gonna have a Norman Rockwell moment, or you gonna hand me that check? He's a good kid.
Gullible, but good.
You lucked out.
I did.
So would you like to come and see him again At Easter? Did his family wear weird Easter pajamas? What do you think? See you then.
It'll cost you, though.
It's beautiful, isn't it? I'm sorry about inviting your mother.
Meeting her explains everything.
Listen, I'm sorry I went off on you about your mother.
I can only imagine how much you must be missing her.
Yeah, I am.
Grandma Shirley, she She told me that she's the reason you gave me up.
I don't get it.
Why didn't you just tell me the truth? The truth is I did give you up.
The details don't change that.
You know, it's funny.
I was born into a family that I didn't fit into, and you were adopted into a family that fit you to a "T.
" This one fits too.
Or at least it's starting to.
Are you guys cold out here? - No.
- How about now? - Oh! - Oh, oh, oh, oh! - Oh! - Bring it on, bitches! Wait, wait! Hold up.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
It's really snowing! Oh, Merry Christmas, everyone! - Merry Christmas! - Yes, Merry Christmas.
No, no, no.