Kitchen Confidential (2005) s01e04 Episode Script

# I've been movin' since 9:00 # # My life is on the cutting block # # I face things, it's time to move # # I've got to get my life in tune # # Hey, yeah, look at my days, yeah # # These are my ways, yeah # # Ain't it insane? # You'd think there's a million restaurants in New York City, but it's actually a very small world.
And the people in the top kitchens, well, we all know each other.
So why do you French guys get all the women? I mean, granted, you're all very pretty, but you have this attitude, you know, and you don't bathe.
No, no, no, we bathe: we bathe in love, we bathe in wine.
No, I'm joking.
We don't bathe.
Ah, Jack, this rack of lamb, it is it is amazing.
Oh, please, no It is amazing, okay? Et la ratatouille the curry emulsion, it is brilliant.
What gives it the sweetness? - No, no, no.
- Allez.
.
- Vanilla.
- No - Yeah.
- Get out.
I can't.
I work here.
Chef, can I borrow you? Oh, we're just in the middle of something here.
Oh, Jack, you must not make your girlfriend wait.
Oh.
Michel Oh, no, no, no, we wouldn't no.
She wants to, but I'm not really interested.
- Not all.
Ever.
- Excuse us.
- Of course.
C'est un avion de chasse, ça You just comped five entrees.
Yeah, but they're the chefs from Maison Valentin, from across the street.
You got to comp 'em.
It's customary.
We're a band of brothers.
We could be brothers.
Don't you think we look alike? Like the same gait and stuff? It's like we've worked together before Jack, they don't pay, I don't get tipped.
What do you think, I'm made of money? Yes, money and bitterness.
Who wants dessert? We've got a beautiful - So, Jack.
- What? And I thought I was jealous of this rack.
Oh, no, no, you don't want to go there.
.
To tame that attitude, you need a whip and a wooden chair, you know what I mean? Roger, I need you to go to my office and get me two things.
If a chef visits my restaurant and pays me a compliment, I return the gesture, we're a community.
We all want everyone to do well as long as we do better.
Wicker baskets: bush league.
And they're serving everything with frisee: the awkward lettuce.
It's like eating somebody's afro.
Guys, guys, come on, we're guests of this establishment.
This place blows.
Wait! There's something happening in my mouth.
My God! Eat this now! Oh, my God.
Bloody hell.
Damn! What is this? Just the best bread ever made.
I should bring some back for Tanya.
Yeah, because that'll give her the energy to go out and boff some other guy.
I need to find the guy that made this bread.
We got This bread is Welcome to Maison Valentin.
I am your waitress, Babette.
Yes, you are.
Hello, lovely.
Tell me, as a French person, how do you feel about being temporarily occupied? Hello? Bread guy? You down here? Hello? Listen, fellow baker here, and I just wanted to tell you how great Aah! Don't scream! Babette, what would you recommend on the menu? We have a brand-new item on our menu.
It's a rack of lamb with ratatouille and a curry emulsion.
I said, it's a rack of lamb With ratatouille and a curry emulsion.
Yeah, I heard you.
I welcome him into my home, I feed him, and he does what? Steals your dish! Aren't you glad you didn't charge him? Hey, business is business, it's kill or be killed, but at least have the courtesy to stab me in the chest, not the back.
I mean, how does this guy even walk around with stones that big?! It won't be a long-term problem for him, don't you worry.
Hey, hey, hey That is not for castrating.
Try this.
It should get you most of the way there.
The only thing this hack's got going for him is good bread and our dish! Yeah, but it's got to be kind of flattering, right? He must really like the dish.
Hey, Jim, why don't you go sit in the storage room and come out when you're not a rip-roaring idiot, okay? Diggity-ding.
Gentlemen, it's time to beat a frog with a stick.
No.
No.
I am not letting you drag my father's restaurant into the muck.
Oh, so what are we supposed to do, just bend over? No.
I will talk to Michel, this is a business situation; it needs to be resolved in a rational manner.
And the co-opting of our menu items technically constitutes tortious interference with contract.
I - I'm sorry, I was focusing on your breasts.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, please continue.
Oh, my God, you are the biggest pig.
Ah, you are right.
I apologize.
It is just that I feel so nervous around you, You are so-so fiery and strong and with so much spirit.
And again, the breasts.
It's been, like, two hours, where have you been? God, it smells wonderful in here.
Are we using fresher garlic? Oh, my God.
- You slept with him! - I did.
I totally slept with him.
- How could you? - I know! I don't do that.
I mean, I did do it.
Part of me wants to do it again.
Part of me did do it again.
Ha! So it's official we're at war.
We're at war? What do you mean, we're at war? We're chefs.
They attacked us.
Twice.
They poked our head waitress! - Yeah, but didn't she enjoy it? - That is not the point! If he's willing to have sex with Mimi, there is no telling how low he will go.
We sent Mimi on a diplomatic mission, and he sent her back sullied and defiled! And satisfied.
- Jim? - Yeah? Go to your idiot hole.
Oh, I'm so stupid! All right.
Let's talk counterstrike.
We've been given a credible excuse to beat the snot out of the French, so.
.
let's not delay, huh? - No, they can keep their snot.
What we need to do is, we need to grab the beating heart out of their restaurant.
And you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna show it to them.
Gentlemen, this is Adam.
He's our new bread guy.
You might recognize him from Maison Valentin, where he no longer works.
Because, what, yeah, oh, my God, I stole him! - Boom! - Yeah! I am separate from you.
My space will be respected.
Ten to one says that guy has a necklace made of ears.
Nolita is at war.
So I want you yes, all of you to be on your toes.
Expect the usual prankery: large pizza deliveries, bogus phone orders So that's 5 dozen lobsters for Ivana Tinkle? Be alert, and if something sounds suspicious And the name on the buzzer is Phil McCracken? then it probably is.
Where have you been? I - I had a doctor's appointment.
for this thing with my toe.
I may have, uh frangilitis, which is a disease of the toe.
- You did it again? - I did it again.
Has it occurred to you that he's using you to get to me! Oh, has it occurred to you that he thinks I'm hot? You're endangering us, and it cannot continue.
- Are you forbidding me? - Yes.
Wow! That's hot.
I didn't think the sex could get any hotter, but it just did! You plussed it.
Summon the freak we need more bread.
You know what I love even more than happy patrons eating our food? Knowing that Michel's patrons are miserable right now, huh? Yeah? Right now? Okay.
Give me five.
So you have taken my baker? I have taken your baker.
I am a baker taker.
And you don't think it was a little bit excessive? Excessive? You raided my menu.
Why are you so threatened by me, huh? Is it because maybe you see in me what you hate in yourself? Oh, no, I don't have an annoying, filthy Frenchman in me.
Everybody's got an annoying filthy Frenchman in them, Jack.
- Ask your girlfriend.
- She's not my g Take the lamb off your menu.
Return my creepy baker, then we'll talk.
No.
Okay, then I guess it is, how you say, on.
Mon ami, it is totally, how you say, on! - It is on.
- Yes, I said that.
- Okay - Yeah.
Your cuisine is caca! - Jack? - Yeah? I think there's something wrong with the computer here.
Really? Yeah, I got orders for ten toilet burgers, a monkey nipple salad, uh, two fart cakes I'm sorry, three fart cakes, and a fish penis and moose rectum lasagna with super butt-cheese.
And pineapple salsa.
- We've been hacked.
Mrs.
Tinkle is here, and demands to know where her lobsters are.
Apparently, this happens to her a lot.
In the 21st century, restaurants do everything on computer.
Orders, reservations, payments.
.
all of it.
If the system crashes, you better know how to work around it.
- Wait, wait.
Cameron.
- Right.
Here.
I can't read this.
What's a "rod sniffer"? - Red snapper.
- Okay.
New rule, waitrons! If I can't read it, I don't make it! Let's get it together! Our computers are down, so we're gonna have to do this "old school.
" This is where you put the tip.
I'm sorry, everyone, our computers are down, but from memory, it's awkward first date, icky guy with mistress, couple about to break up, and girls' night out.
So it appears that Michel is slightly more capable than I assumed.
Slightly? He brought us to our knees with a keyboard and a mouse.
Okay? That is a sad and freaky situation, my friends.
So what do you want us to do? What, just cave in? - Let him win? - That sounds good.
Yeah.
Where's your sense of honor? - My sense of honor? - Yes! Jack, we don't do this for the honor.
We do it for food, money and sex.
We screw up the first one, the other two vanish, man.
They vanish.
That terrifies me.
I am out of this war.
All right, yeah.
That's right.
Just, just walk away.
Just walk on by Christopher Walkin'.
Don't mind him.
His breasts just get tender this time of the month.
Off to see your boyfriend? Almost sounds like you're jealous.
Oh, yeah, that must be it, or am I just upset that you're tanking daddy's restaurant so you can play "bury the baguette"? Listen, not that I owe this to you, but I hate him for what he did to us.
It is so over with him.
Over.
I am so, so bad for doing this.
Save the guilt for after.
My boyfriend is sleeping with your girlfriend.
Mimi? She's not my girlfriend.
This conversation tires me.
We should be having intercourse by now.
Hey, I think Adam's phoning it in.
Yeah, look at that.
I want you to go down to the dungeon.
- I want you to lean on him.
- Lean on him? Jack! Have you seen him?! You lean.
Ah, well, technically, he answers to you, so Jack, I am terrified of that Golem.
I have to drink just so I can come in here and look at him.
I am drunk right now.
Seth, I'm not asking, I'm telling.
Ramon! Who wants to make ten dollars? - Wuss.
- Yes.
Gentlemen! Game, set, match: Nolita! You magnificent bastard! What did you do? Oh, my God.
Is that a robot heart? Tanya, my love, this is a Freon compressor It used to belong to Michel's refrigerator until I removed it at 3:00 a.
m.
, destroying a week's worth of food.
I tried to get it stuffed and mounted but no joy.
You are awesome! Uh, you were, bad, bad, bad.
So, did you leave, like, a calling card letting them know it was us? - Let's just say I left a mark But doesn't this just make them do something worse to us? That's exactly what it does.
'Cause you know what Jack Bourdain likes to do? Escalate.
Okay.
Teddy, that's enough.
Enough? Oh, enough.
Look who's dropping the "E" word.
Since when have you ever had enough, Jack? You're an addict.
Except this time instead of booze and drugs, it's conflict.
Did you work on that speech with your therapist? We polished it together, yes.
It was meant for my father, but it also applies to you! - Really? - You don't know when to stop.
- And you're crazy.
- Am I? I know exactly when to stop when he stops.
When he's finished, I'm finished.
I am finished.
Finally.
I gotta get ready for dinner service.
How about you? Somebody stole our Freon compressor.
Actually, we will be dark tonight.
Also, the carpet smells of pipi.
no sign of Michel.
It's official surrender, guys.
Gotta say up to this point, I didn't actually believe he was French.
Hey, Teddy.
See this? This is me stopping.
Okay, I'm not a slave to the impulses, not a slave to the appetites.
A man of reason.
A man of peace.
- Dog fondler - What the Sodding Frenchman.
Son of a bitch.
I'll kill him! Wow.
Complete catastrophe.
What a surprise.
Jim, get your hand off the knob.
Somebody pinch me.
Ow! Damn it, Jim! - What? - Guys? I'm really scared.
Could somebody hold me? Tanya, I'm here, baby! - All right.
- Tanya! This might have been my fault.
Oh, Tanya.
Okay, does that feel like Tanya to you? How would he know what Tanya feels like? That is hurtful.
It is dark and you're being hurtful.
Okay, the gas still works, which means we're still in business.
Jim, why won't you go get some candles.
Teddy, stay pretty.
Seth, go get Adam.
Let's make some bread.
Adam? Adam, are you down there? Adam! Oh, my knee! Adam? It's Seth Richman Your supervisor.
All right, nice save tonight.
Now it's time to deliver the death blow.
Jack.
.
It's over.
- What? - Look around you.
We're ploting by candlelight.
They've plunged us into a Merchant-Ivory film.
I bloody hate those films.
What are you saying? I'm saying it's gotten way too hard core, even for me.
Do your own dirty work.
- Well, I don't need your help.
- Good! - I can fight my own battles! - Good! - Yeah, I'm a one-man army! - Good! All right, Jim, it's down to you.
Yeah.
Jack, can I be honest with you? I'd prefer it if you weren't.
I have objected to everything that you and Michel have done to each other.
I was raised to believe that it is immoral to knowingly harm someone else.
But, above all, I believe in loyalty.
So, if you see fit to ask me to do something that totally goes against my principles Cool.
Here's a sack full of rats.
You know what to do with them.
A sack full of Oh, no! My shells are not prepped.
Where is Jiminy Cricket? Doing what you wusses were too scared to do.
Finishing off Michel.
- Oh, isn't that Mimi's job? Guys! Come quick! Oh, my God! Bloody hell.
Jack! Yeah, what? Yeah, what is it, Jim? Can you help me get the sardines out? There were Frenchmen everywhere.
Well, it's a French restaurant.
All over me.
And they were all smoking.
They do that.
And then suddenly there was fish, and ice, and, oh, my God, I smell bad.
No, no.
It's, it's fine.
I'm sorry, Chef.
I tried.
No.
I'm sorry.
I let my ego and my passion just get the better of me, and you got hurt, and for what? I don't know.
Well.
He stole my lamb.
I mean, who does that? You gotta be You gotta be screwed up in the head to do that.
.
You gotta be really sick to The point is is that I went too far.
Teddy's therapist is right.
It's over.
- I'm gonna let you sleep it off.
- OK.
Oh, by the way, you got rid of the bag of rats, right? Yeah, I got mugged on the way over there.
You have gone too far this time Michel, Jim is an innocent kid.
You and I are completely over.
Do you get that? Mimi, are you wearing a thong? Yes Is it the color we spoke of? Michel, I'm not having sex with you on my father's business phone.
I'll be there in a minute! Make this, Froggy What the hell are you guys doing? We're preparing a little gift for Michel.
- The gift of pain.
- No, no It's over You see what they did to Jim? Yeah, that's the point, man.
We were against it when it was about your ego, but now, they harmed Jim.
Jim is our friend.
We decide what harm comes to him.
Guys, I appreciate this, Ramon, don't worry, Jim's gonna be fine Okay? And we have a restaurant to run Guys Hey, it's okay.
You don't have to avenge me.
Oh, yes we do! No, really, you don't I think I took care of it.
No.
No-no-no-no.
Michel, this is wrong.
I have to take a stand! Oh, yes.
Standing is good.
Come, I take you against the door.
Michel, no! You hurt my friend.
You've hurt my father's business and what have I done? I've rewarded you with meaningless sex.
It ends now.
No.
No, no.
Mimi, please.
Look, I'm calling off this all fuss, OK? The truth is I've fallen for you.
Really? Oh, Michel, I think I'm falling for you, too.
I mean, at first it was purely physical, you know.
This is my mother's ring.
INS! Put your hands where I can see 'em! No! No! He was going for the ring! Michel Valentin, you're under arrest.
No! No arrest! We were having a conversation! You deported my boyfriend? I'm sorry, I deported what now? They're sending him back to France.
He's got a visa.
Come on, we don't deport people with visas.
Yeah.
We do if they commit tax fraud.
I did not know about the tax fraud.
Jim, I can't believe you did this.
I mean, this is a man's life.
I'm a horrible man.
I'm capable of great cruelty.
And that's what's gonna make you a great chef someday.
Like nature, the restaurant business is brutal.
If you can fight, steal and kill, you'll live for a while, but like nature, a restaurant can only survive in the long term by bearing fruit.
.
.
.
great meals and if you can't serve one, sooner or later, you die out.
And try not to cheat on your taxes.
He did take the lamb off the menu.
Well Jack, I must congratulate you on my imprisonment and my upcoming deportation.
Michel this went way farther than I meant it to.
No, no, no, maybe I deserve to have my life destroyed.
After all, I did make a meat dish in the same manner as you, huh? Hey, you know what? You look great in that suit.
I hope you enjoy it for the rest of your life.
Oh, I will get my revenge.
Yeah? I don't think so, but good luck.
Did you glue my hand to the phone? Ouais.
Oh, but not before I had the guard, how you say, hog it down.
Hey, what does that mean? Guard! What does that mean.
.
"hog it down"? I don't understand.
Speak English! What does that mean?!