Kite Man: Hell Yeah! (2024) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Were you or a loved one a victim
of the Noonan's cat rampage?
Call Villigan's Law
and get justice meow!
This country's gotten too litigious.
Uh, didn't that cat kill your step-kid?
- Yeah.
- What the
Where'd she come from?
Sorry, boys.
This is your exit.
Whoa!
Time to remove the hood ornament.
Huh?
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Truck off, fellas!
We'll be taking your big load.
Not your best, babe.
I regretted it as soon as it
shot out of my mouth, babe.
Damn it!
- Whoa!
- Uh-oh!
Hang on, babe.
Gotcha!
- Chuck!
- Babe, it's Kite Man on the streets,
Chuck in the
Babe, look!
Ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
Here comes Bane! ♪
And now to do a little shopping.
Ooh! They have the Guten Tag
three-piece sectional set, babe!
And the Fjordside coffee table, score!
You know, I don't mind
helping you guys move.
But please tell me
you're not going to put
that Thomas Blakemore piece
next to the Fronkenschnitzelschnot.
Hell, yeah! ♪
Bane, there you are.
Put the couch right here.
Scooch a teeny bit to the left.
- Smidge to the right.
- Yes.
Just a hair north.
Hell, yeah.
Good timing, 'cause I need
to use the little Bane's room.
Actually, Bane, could you bring
the Vad Ar Klockan table in
before you go?
I want to see how it looks
under my brand new collection
of nautical flags.
Fine, I will hold it.
But it's scientifically proven
that it is not good for the bowel.
It'll be quick, I promise.
Babe, we need to get rid
of this disgusting, old wallpaper.
I mean, how much coke was Noonan doing?
I don't know, babe.
It's very '80s. I kinda like it.
We're getting rid of the wallpaper.
Oh, this is so bitchin'!
Our new home.
- And a whole new start.
- Hell, yeah!
I had no idea you were
this into ships and boats.
"A boat is a home
you can take anywhere."
No doubt. Wow,
we've literally just moved in,
and I'm already learning
so much more about you.
Hey, babe, this gallery wall
is kinda lopsided.
I mean, this is our home.
It should have pictures
from both of our families.
No, we should change it up.
Take all new pictures of just us.
Come on, babe,
you gotta have some baby pics.
I bet you were so adorable.
I don't have any pics from my childhood.
What? Not even with Captain Cold?
Like a sweet bro-sis pic?
I said we don't have any pictures!
Okay.
Now, where is Bane with the table?
You know, Babe, every time I bring up
your fam, you change the subject.
I do not.
Babe, honestly,
who do you think
is the best Jack Ryan, huh?
Babe, I know what you're trying to do.
You want me to say Harrison Ford.
But for me, it is all Affleck all day.
There's my guy.
Oh, to be with someone
where we could decorate
a nautical apartment.
I'm turtling!
Get out of my way, ominous signage!
And the denouement.
Sometimes the courtesy flush
is just for you.
Thank you, Bane.
I did not notice
this shag carpet
in the bathroom earlier.
Tres '80s and very impractical.
Huh? Hm.
I wonder where Kite Man
and Golden Glider went.
They really gave this place
a whole new look
in the brief time I was pooping.
Hm.
A mint condition newspaper
from the 1980s.
Hello, eBay!
- Hey, hey! Hey, sweet thing!
- Hey!
Take your toxic masculinity
and send it back to the '80s
where it belongs!
Uh, wait a minute.
The bathroom decor.
The newspaper.
The socially acceptable
sexual harassment.
I've been flushed to the 1980s!
And that's why
if I ever get my dream dog,
which is a golden doodle,
I'll name it Jack Ryan.
No one can argue with that.
We need to bring the fridge up.
Is is Bane still in the bathroom?
Huh. Looks like he went out the window.
He bailed on helping us move?
Ugh, freaking Bane.
Hello? Toilet?
I would like to be flushed
back to the future, please.
Damn you, portal potty!
My friends are probably
panicking right now.
There must be another way out!
Hm?
Gilder was right.
These walls look nice
without that hideous wallpaper.
Wait a minute!
If I write a message on this wall,
Kite Man and Golden Glider
will see it when
they remove the wallpaper!
Wall, you will send my message
through time!
Well, now that it's just us,
we can talk about your family sitch.
Huh. "Help!"
I found a portal potty
and took 'splosive shit
and when I flushed,
I got stuck in the past."
Hm. "'Splosive."
That sounds like
something Bane would say.
You think Bane is stuck in the past?
And there she goes
changing the old subject again.
Come on, tell me about your childhood.
Please stop talking about this, Chuck.
Fine, fine, babe. Fine.
It looks like it's time to jack it.
As in, do what Jack Ryan would do.
You found it!
Captain Cold.
Uh, I thought we were meeting
at your place.
This is my place. Epic, right?
Yeah.
Uh, so I'm here
'cause your sister and I moved
into an apartment together.
No shit! Congratulations, buddy.
- We talkin' two-bed, two-bath?
- Uh
- 1.5 bath?
- Uh, it's a two-bed, two-bath.
But back to the thing I came here for.
Um, I was just hoping to get the 411
about what life was like
for you and Glider growing up.
Well, Kite Dude, that sounds
like the kind of conversation
we should have in our kitchen
over a few cold ones
from our fridge.
Yeah, no.
Look, can you at least give me
a childhood pic of Glider?
I just need something
to hang on our gallery wall.
Vape cartridge, 64 gig USB drive.
That's just for my porn.
Got the greatest hits on there.
Found it!
That's her and Dad!
Wait, you guys went to Noonan's as kids?
Yep, that was taken the day
our parents died there.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We bought and are now
living above the bar
my girlfriend's parents died in?
Eh, you should ask Lisa.
But I gotta warn you,
she's real sensitive about it.
Totally, totally.
Well, uh, I gotta run.
I guess, thanks for the picture
and the paradigm shifting info
about my girlfriend's past.
Mm. Still no bars!
The '80s was not a good decade
for cell service.
Or candy! Candy Cigarettes?
Those are not appropriate treats.
What next? Chocolate beer?
Ah! Well, that looks fun.
Hold up. There is no lifeguard,
and no fence!
That is not a pool.
It is a drowning machine.
Hey!
You kids all need sunblock!
You're begging for skin cancer.
Whoa!
"Asbestos installation"?
You cannot install that!
Oh, my God, the '80s
is nothing but a minefield
of irresponsibility and certain death.
I love it! ♪
So I said, "Was that
my umbrella up your ass?"
You see?
Lafftrak get it.
What did I tell you
about laughing in my bar?
How's my least favorite
teetotaler doing?
I'm fantastic, Sean.
I just made partner.
I think I might celebrate
with my first ever drink.
Here's our cocktail menu.
I suppose just one
Slippery Slope can't hurt.
Want a beer chaser?
Make it a six-pack!
Six-pack it is!
Wow, Dubelz Brothers!
You look so both alive.
Yeah, we've been eating
more fiber lately.
- Life changing stuff.
- That's probably it.
What a stugots.
I'd rather get my brains blown out
than hang out with that guy.
Psst. Noonan. Sean.
I'm sorry, have we met?
It is me, Bane!
I'm from the future.
I used the Portal Potty
and now I don't know how to get back!
What? What?
A Portal Potty? Ha!
I don't have a clue
what you're talking about.
Look, there's only one way
you can get back to the future.
And if you mess this up, you're screwed.
You have to take a piss
in the Portal Potty
and then flush.
That's it?
I thought it might be more complicated.
You need to get out of here
as soon as possible
because the first rule
of time travel is,
"Don't change anything."
Fucking with the future
won't turn out the way you think.
I won't be here long enough
to fuck with anything.
Hm?
I'm ready for a man to come
And make my ♪
Hello! Who is that?
Give me love That lasts a life ♪
A love where we can build A home ♪
I need a big, strong man ♪
Who sees exactly what
The future holds ♪
Who knows our fairytale ♪
I have found the love of my life!
Well, the love of my past life!
Well, the the the love
of my life in the past!
God damn you, you stupid fly!
Enjoy my reckoning!
You motherfucker!
Oop! Sounds like
the fun started downstairs.
Hey, babe, I found
this thing in the attic.
Where did you get that?
It's a long story
involving an ice cream truck.
You went to see my brother?
Wow! Babe, you're a great guesser.
How could you do that to me?
I have told you a million times
to stop asking about my family!
I was just trying to do
something nice for you.
How can we live together
if I don't know basic things about you?
Like, um, maybe how your parents died
at the bar we own and live above.
Wow, you're a little
know-it-all, aren't you?
I guess Kite Man knows everything.
Literally the first time
anyone has ever said that.
Because you don't!
Do you want to know
what actually happened?
Yes! More than anything.
Ugh!
- I was five years old.
- You dumb bitch.
My parents were doing
their favorite thing
in their favorite place,
fighting in a bar.
I'll tell you that.
If I could go back in time
and stop myself
from knocking you up in the bathroom
at the Slap and Wash,
I could have married
someone actually hot
like Ally Ringwald or Molly Sheedy.
Lawrence, you shithead,
you're making a scene.
I had just gotten
my first pair of ice skates.
Hey, Mom, Dad! Stop fighting!
- Watch me skate!
- You're a loser.
- I said stop fighting!
- You're a drunk.
You've had enough!
Stupid bitch!
Fast forward, I blacked out,
and when I came to,
I had used my powers
for the first time
- killing my parents.
- Oh, no.
So, you see why I'm not excited
about a photo taken
right before I destroyed my family?
Babe, I
You were just a kid.
You didn't mean to do any of that.
Why did you want to buy the bar
where you killed
Well, where your parents died.
I thought I could start over
and replace the shitty memories
from my childhood with happy ones.
Babe, I love you,
but is it possible
that shelling out ten milli
to buy the parent-death-trap bar
is not the path to healing?
Maybe we shouldn't run Noonan's.
Moving in together was a giant mistake.
I need to get some air.
Ugh! Just forget it!
"Your clothes, give them to me now."
Excuse me?
Terminator? No?
I'm more of a Predator gal anyway.
A sexual predator.
Whoa! I don't think that means
what you think it means.
Well, I think I know what it means,
that you just killed my boyfriend.
The fly is your boyfriend?
Not anymore.
Uh-oh.
The lemon wedge from my drink
fell into my tits.
Want a whiff?
Fairytale will be ♪
I must speak to her.
Rebecca Chen?
I'd be careful about that.
She's married.
Of course an angel like her is taken.
I feel bad for that broad.
I'd hate getting stuck with kids.
That's why I got a bug zapper
in my cooch.
Uh, hello!
Your singing is magical.
You are so sweet.
And I love that tank top.
Jesus Christ,
I'm going to marry this woman!
- I'm sorry, what?
- Uh, I said, Jesus Christ!
Can I buy you a drink?
Hey, Lisa.
- Look here!
- Hey!
Quit it, you jerk!
Got ya.
- Your children are adorbs.
- Meh.
In fact, this one reminds me
of a little Golden Glider.
Golden Glider? That name's rad!
Leonard, you gotta call me
Golden Glider from now on.
I wish I lived on a boat Or a ship! ♪
OMG, she is Golden Glider!
Daddy!
WTF.
What is Bane doing in this picture?
He hasn't aged a day.
Wait a minute.
The wall, the writing,
the writing on the wall,
the letters and the words, the writing.
Bane is stuck in the past
on the same day
that Glider kills her parents!
So then I 'sploded him!
Isn't that hilarious?
- Rebecca?
- I'm sorry.
It's just It's been a long day,
and my shitbag husband doesn't
I can explode him for you if you like.
Whoa. Totally radical.
Kite Man! Think about it.
You came back to save me.
However, I do not need rescuing.
I have found my true love.
I don't have time for this.
I have a plan, and I need your help.
Anything! What are best friends for?
Oh Best friends?
Well, okay. All right. Well, yeah.
Uh, anyway, I need
to chat with you privately.
Anything for my best dawg!
- Okay.
- Kaboom sound!
Great.
I came back here to stop Glider
from killing her parents,
thus saving her childhood,
thus healing her lifelong trauma,
hence saving our relationship
all in one fell scoop!
Or do I mean swoop?
God, I miss Glider so much.
She always knows what I mean.
Golden Glider is going to kill
her super-hot mom
who I've just fallen in love with?
No, I just told you, we're stopping it.
But changing the the past
has consequences.
But on the other hand,
if Golden Glider's father dies,
that is one less obstacle
I have to overcome
to being with Becca,
because I'm going to save her.
BT-dubs, I call her Becca.
I'm thinking at some point
it will be relaxed to Becs.
But we are not there yet.
You are just gonna have
to figure out another way
to get rid of Glider's dad.
So, now I have to wait
for a trial separation
and then a divorce?
Do you know how long that can take?
It will drag out to 1993!
Ugh, Chuck was just trying
to do a nice thing,
and now you dumbass ruined move-in day.
I rule!
Ha!
Welcome back, roomie!
What are you doing here?
I thought you were living
in a kiddie-diddler ice cream van.
Kite Dude didn't tell you?
He gave me the green light
to move in with you guys.
Said he was ecstatic.
Yeah, he doesn't know
what ecstatic means.
- Now get the hell out!
- No problem.
I'll just stay with Mom and Dad.
Oh, wait! I can't
because you killed them.
Fuck you! Where's Kite Man?
"Hey, babe, I'm in the '80s.
Gonna stop you from killing
your parents. BRB"?
"PS, please DVR Young Sheldon."
Oh, Chuck, what have you done?
Ha! Kite Dude is gonna die
trying to change your childhood.
And you're the one who's gonna kill him.
- Cheap shot!
- Oh, shut up!
Now I'm gonna be in the bathroom
for as long as it takes.
Gross!
if I could stop myself
from knocking you up at the bathroom
at the Slap and Wash,
- I could have married someone actually hot
- Oh, my God.
- like Ally Ringwald.
- This was that day.
- Or Molly Sheedy!
- Lawrence, you shithead.
You're making a scene.
Hey, Mom, Dad! Stop fighting!
Watch me skate!
I said stop fighting!
Yeah, asshole!
How hard is it to watch her skate?
You've had enough.
Stupid bitch!
Becca!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down, calm down.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Oh, no, Chuck! No!
- Oh, no! What's happening?
- Oh, no, no!
Just don't
Babe, you saved me.
Babe, of course I did.
But I didn't save your parents.
Thus, I didn't save
your whole childhood.
Hence your trauma remains not erased.
Oh, my shitty childhood
isn't what matters.
What matters is now.
And you are my now.
What happened?
Oh, my God, I didn't kill my mom!
I'm batting 500! Hell, yeah!
Oh, I'm so glad you're okay.
So am I.
Do I know you?
No, but you will.
I just wanted to Oh!
Oh, I hope you live
the life you've always wanted.
Babe, you are super cute.
Hey, if you ever meet a guy
named Eddie McGhee
and he tells you
he's allergic to condoms,
do not believe him.
Babe, I can't tinkle
with you staring at me.
Babe, we're roommates now.
I assumed we'd have
an open door pee policy.
Uh, babe, no, we don't.
And we never will. Please, turn around.
Feels good to be home.
I know it's not a boat, babe,
but it's ours.
Yeah, who needs a boat
when you have a kite?
Heard of knocking?
Are those margaritas
that you spilled all over my bed?
You are fucking worthless.
Get out! Go live with Mom now
since we just saved her.
What are you talking about?
You killed her and Dad, you psycho!
What? No. Mom didn't die.
Well, then where is she?
My love, even though I was warned
that changing the future
could have dire consequences,
I said, "Fuck it!"
I'm staying right here to live
happily ever after with you.
Yeah, whatever.
Now that my husband is gone,
It's like that random woman said,
I can live the life I've always wanted.
Yes! Yes!
- Yes!
- But your children?
Where is my mom?
- Uh, she is not here.
- What do you mean?
She certainly did not abandon you.
It's much better news than that.
She, uh, died in the 'splosion!
- What?
- Okay.
I gotta get back to the future.
I sure as shit am not doing two sequels
to this damn story.
Where are the pictures of my mom?
There is literally nothing here
to indicate that she's alive.
What the fuck happened to her?
Please give us a little help here:
Hell, yeah! ♪