Koala Man (2023) s01e04 Episode Script

mysterious music playing ♪
[explosion]
THE GREAT ONE:
Earth
Prepare for the coming of The Great One.
[whooshing]
- There was a time
when the Dapto Royal Show
was about coming together as a community
to sing songs
or pick the best-looking sheep.
Now it's just a bunch of hoons.
I can't confront them
as model citizen Kevin Williams,
but I bet Koala Man would have
something to say about this.
- You promised no Koala Man at the show.
It's a family fun day.
Now come on.
What should we do first?
Showbags! Get your showbags!
So many bags of unbelievable fun,
suited to any interest.
What a unique
and fun tradition we Australians have.
- [kids cheering]
- So much chocolate!
Novelty stickers and toys!
- I paid 20 bucks for $6 worth of stuff.
I am so happy!
- I've been saving up
all year for this moment.
I need to get the SwordStorm showbag
before it sells out!
- Those showbags are just
worthless trinkets and lollies.
No, they are currency, Mother.
Currency I will use
to buy Rosie Yodel's friendship.
- Liam, come on.
- Yay.
- Ah, well. At least you and I can
spend some quality time together.
- Oi. You lot.
Try coming together
and doing something productive
as a community for once.
Sorry, love. The debauchery
has proven too much for me.
Oh, is it alright if you pick me up
a prawn showbag?
Thank you, darling.
I'll pay you back later.
Oi. Come back here!
You're not allowed to do that.
- Hey, Janine, do you wanna ride
the Ferris wheel with me?
Nobody else wants to.
- Can't. Today woulda been
mine and Gerry's 20th anniversary,
and I'm gonna masturbate to full splooge
at the top of the wheel,
just like he used to.
God rest his soul.
Right
Well, I don't wanna intrude
on you and Gerry's tradition.
- Move, you little shit holes.
It's my anniversary.
romantic piano music playing ♪
Happy anniversary, my sweet prince.
Ohh ohh
Gerry, Gerry ♪
Driving me up so silly ♪
- Gerry, Gerry ♪
- Ooh, ahh
Callin' my name, drivin' me insane ♪
Oh, Gerry ♪
Whoaaa.
[sighs]
ominous music rising ♪
theme song playing ♪
♪
Koala Kode 88.
Remember, that's not a knife.
This is a knife.
And it's illegal in New South Wales.
[bed springs creaking]
KEVIN: Ugh ugh
And done.
Ahh, good job, Vicky.
Down to four minutes.
Top-notch efficiency.
Now, where's my prawn showbag?
Ah. There it is.
Kevin we should talk about our
intimate time.
It would be nice if we could
both be a little more aware
of each other's needs.
So we can both have a good time.
Do you understand?
Of course, love.
You're worried it's gone
stale for me, but fear not.
You always get my piggies
out of the barn.
- Prawn?
- No, thanks.
[gulps]
[gulping]
Hmm. Janine still hasn't responded
to any of my messages.
I hope she's okay.
[Kevin snoring]
Ah, I'm probably just fussed over nothing.
ominous music rising ♪
[cow bell jangles]
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
So cuuuute.
You are so nice, I love it.
- Wow, Alison, I can't believe
everyone had the same idea
to buy Rosie's friendship
with showbags.
- If only there were some way to stand out
from these pathetic losers.
- I told you kids.
No showbags at school.
Everybody pack it up.
I know, I know.
Believe me, if anybody sympathizes,
'tis this fella.
I've been a showbag enthusiast
my whole life.
Would you believe I own
over a thousand showbags,
including the rare 2002
Kath & Kim showbag?
Believe it.
I own just about every showbag there is.
Except, of course
- the Forbidden Showbag.
- The what?
- Legend has it, a showbag
was created that was so full
of pure, unadulterated fun,
it nearly destroyed Dapto.
They were forced to bury it
and kill its creator.
It's rumored to still be in Dapto
till this very day.
- Wow. If anyone gave me
the Forbidden Showbag,
they would instantly become my BFF.
The hunt is on.
[phone dials]
JANINE: [on voicemail]
Leave a fuckin' message. Bah!
- [phone beeps]
- Janine, where are you?
Things aren't great with Kevin,
and I need some support.
From anybody.
Odd
Huh. Must be one of those
TikTok dances from the internet.
- [droning voice]
You are worthy of love.
[gasps] I am?
[Daptonians groaning]
Lunch? At this hour?
Unheard of, unsanctioned,
and unacceptable.
The love we deserve will be here soon.
The Great One is coming.
Who in blazes is The Great One?
MASK:
It's dodgy, mate.
You and I know the only Great One
is Angus Young from AC/DC.
And I guarantee he's not here.
Probably at home preparing for a tour.
Speaking of, I think we should
really consider buying tickets
to see him in Sydney.
- I would, but money's a bit tight
right now--
MASK: Nah, yeh, nah.
Why catch a legend live, eh?
Just watch a shit recording of it
after he's passed.
- Well, I suppose I could talk to Vicky--
- There! He has not known
The Great One's love.
You seem stressed, Kevin.
[staff groaning]
Can I offer you a massage?
- This is not proper
office behavior, Clarko.
I shall be forced to call HR
to report harassment of a sexual nature.
This is not on.
MASK:
Get us out of here, mate.
ominous music playing ♪
- Vicky.
Vicky, we have to get out of here.
Something's wrong with Dapto,
and it's clearly a sex thing.
Kevin, stop.
Don't you see?
It's love.
We are all worthy of love.
No not you too, Vicky.
ALL:
The Great One is coming.
Join the community.
Noooooooooooo.
ALL:
You are worthy of looooooove.
- That is a private matter
fit only for my marital bed.
- Listen to them, Kevin.
We are worthy of love.
Both of us.
[horn honking]
[bodies thud]
Best hop in if ya wanna live, mate.
[tires squeal]
What the hell, Kevin? Uch, typical.
The moment things got serious,
he pops on his mask
and runs off to have
one of his little adventures.
You are worthy of love, Vicky.
- Thank you, Mrs. Banks.
You've all been so supportive.
It's like everyone in the town knew
exactly what I needed to hear today.
Yes, yes. How about a massage?
Oh, ooh, that feels nice.
Gosh, I've been so tense lately.
SPIDER: He's clean.
Those damn grubby Grabbers didn't get him.
Koala Man, I'm so glad you're okay.
Big Greg said you weren't
worth the petrol,
but I think you're
the only one who can save us.
- More than likely correct, Louise.
Now, what happened to everyone?
Whole town's gone psycho.
Seems like if one of those Grabbers
starts giving you a rub-down,
you turn into one of them.
No happy endings.
- Darren.
The fuck are ya, ya dickhead?
I'm fuckin' scared. [sobbing]
- I can only hope
whatever evil has befallen Dapto,
the children have been spared.
This is awesome!
No parents, no teachers, no rules!
Whooo!
- Alison, I'm frightened.
Where are all the adults?
Should we call
Mum and Dad to pick us up?
- Quit being such a yeasty puss
and help me find that Forbidden Showbag.
- Alison, I don't like this. I think--
MYSTERIOUS VOICE:
Can you hear me, boy?
My word, it's been so long.
- Wh-who said that?
MYSTERIOUS VOICE:
I'm inside your head.
I sense you have The Gift.
You'll learn to control it in time,
unless it drives you mad.
But for now,
if you want the Forbidden Showbag,
you must find me.
- What's wrong with you?
- Follow me.
[electronic beeping, buzzer sounds]
Welcome to my panic room.
Safest place in Dapto.
Bet you don't have
one of these, Koala Man.
- Personally, I've always found
you don't need a panic room
if you don't plan to panic.
[rattles]
Agh! What is that?
- This is the reason
we're starting our mission here.
Voilà.
You are all worthy of looooove.
Darren, nooooooo!
- Darren, what's happening
on the Council roof?
Who is The Great One?
- The Great One lives
in six-dimensional space
in a realm of pure pleasure.
He seeded the cosmos
with his meteors
so that we might prepare for his coming.
Prepare? How?
- A crystal rocket.
At the top of the Council building.
We will build it together,
enter as a community,
and The Great One
will take us to a place
where we'll be enveloped
in his love forever.
- Fuck Oath.
How are we supposed to stop an alien?
- By coming up with
a very, very, very good plan.
dramatic music rises ♪
Or at least just a very good-- I probably
put too many "very"s in there, didn't I?
VICKY: And then he started
eating prawns in bed.
Left the heads
and poop chutes on the pillow.
I feel like I can still smell it on me.
Oh! Uch, god, it's disgusting.
We do not like the shell creatures.
Please hand me the thrust regulator.
- Oh, did I ever tell you about the time
I told Kevin I bought lingerie,
and he thought he was getting
linguine for dinner?
Hmm. This one takes the cake.
Things I love: sunshine
bilbies being me self
And most of all,
I love me best mate, Damo.
- Aw, Darren,
you're me favorite dickhead too.
I can't take this anymore.
Thanks, mate.
Ah, that feels good.
- [screams]
- Christ.
Those little meth heads are escaping.
Koala Man, help!
Oi, boys. Over here.
I'd like one of those comfy massages
you've been talking about.
BOTH:
Join our community of love.
Ugh.
Gotcha, ya grub.
[screams]
He's working the knots out.
- Spider!
SPIDER: Uggh.
Stay back, Koala Man.
I feel worthy of love
- You're not, Spider.
Goddamn it, you're not.
- [Darren and Damo groan]
- Ughh
Remember me as I lived
a yucker and a fucker.
Spider!
Well, that went terribly.
Your fault entirely.
What now, Koala Man?
- They've taken Kevin Williams'
beautiful wife Vicky,
and now they've taken my best friend.
But they won't take Dapto.
There's only one thing left for us to do:
destroy the rocket.
dramatic music fades ♪
How?
[clicks tongue] Dunno.
- [sniffs] Why does it smell
like the bloody ocean in here?
- Ah, sorry, yeah,
that'd be my pocket prawn.
In case I get hungry.
How are we looking back there, Louise?
Koala Bomb is ready to go.
Ah. Cute little fella, isn't he?
I didn't know you were
so tech savvy, Louise.
- I I've been taking
engineering classes on the side
in case it would be useful to you.
Aw, that's sweet of you, Louise.
If I were ever in the market
for a sidekick,
you'd be considered along with
several other qualified individuals.
Eucalyptus oil would fix that right up.
- Fix what?
- Sore joints.
Be happy to gather
a bit for ya sometime.
- Oh, the hands. Right
Yeah, nah, nah, it's nothing.
Old fishing injury is all.
Oh, my God there it is.
[tires squeal]
ominous music rising ♪
- That's the biggest rocket
I've ever seen.
Eh, I've seen bigger.
Liam! What are we doing in here?
- I can't explain it,
but I hear someone calling to me
in my mind.
- I knew it. You have psychic powers.
This is so unfair.
JAMES SHOWBAG:
If the Forbidden Showbag you seek,
perhaps I, James Showbag,
inventor of the showbag, may be of use.
- Alison! This brain says he knows
where the Forbidden Showbag is.
- I can't hear anything.
Tell Wrinkles to spill it.
JAMES SHOWBAG:
The Forbidden Showbag
was my greatest creation,
but it was too powerful,
and the people of Dapto sentenced me
to wallow in brine and my own filth
for all eternity,
that I may serve as a warning
to any who dared create
another bag of infinite fun.
- Could you please tell us where
the Forbidden Showbag is, James?
JAMES SHOWBAG: I can.
But in exchange you must do
something for me.
Kill me.
What? No. I like you.
JAMES SHOWBAG:
Please, sweet boy.
Years I have waited for someone
with The Gift to hear my cries.
Help an old, tired brain
leave this cruel world.
- He says he'll tell us where the bag is,
but only if we promise to kill him.
- Sure, whatever.
Let's just do it.
JAMES SHOWBAG: Huzzah!
The Forbidden Showbag is in a catacomb
hidden beneath
the Fun Fair Ball stand.
Last clown mouth on the right.
- Ugh, did he say where it is yet?
- Yeah, but--
JAMES SHOWBAG:
Wait, no! I've changed my mind!
I want to live. We can be friends--
No!
Aaah.
[Daptonians muttering]
If I can just get the little guy inside,
we'll be properly placed
for maximum destruction.
[gears whirring]
Aw, you bastard.
I'm sorry, Koala Man.
Forget it, mate. It's over.
We can't just give up, Big Greg.
Oh, Koala Man, Koala Man
You need to relax
Maybe get a massage
What did you say?
We're all worthy of love, Koala Man
including you.
- Koala Man!
- Louise!
Don't worry about me.
Now, go save us, Koala Man.
Kevin, you came back.
You were right about the community
needing to do something positive together.
Now you can be a part of it too.
- Oh, bitter irony.
Now stand aside, insane Vicky.
I have to blow up this rocket before
an interdimensional being comes for us.
- Wait, what?
- Hold on a tick, Vicky.
Your eyes. They're not pink.
Have you not been turned?
- Turned?
What the hell are you talk--
- A community united in love
cannot be stopped, little bear.
The vessel is complete.
Let us board for The Great One's visit.
Seize them!
ALL:
You are worthy of love.
- Starting to feel like I might have
missed some red flags.
mysterious music playing ♪
- The Great One
will descend at any moment.
Now let Koala Man and Vicky
know the ecstasy of the joining.
Noooooooooooo
- They stink of the prawn.
Totally gross.
They cannot be turned.
Well, well, well, Vicky.
Looks like my prawn showbag stopped us
from being turned into mindless zombies.
- Huh. Well, maybe that wouldn't
have been such a bad thing.
Do you know why?
Because they listen.
You go on and on about community,
but what you really want is for
everything to be your way all the time.
At the show, in the bedroom
There's never room for what
anyone else wants, including me.
So, yes, maybe I missed the fact
that everyone has been turned
into massage zombies
and were building a rocket
to the sixth dimension,
but at least they made me feel loved.
You need to do that for me, or
or who knows what can happen?
Vicky I'm sorry.
[rumbling]
[Vicky gasps]
The Great One is here!
- There it is.
The last clown mouth on the right.
Come on.
[hydraulics hissing]
ominous music playing ♪
Come on, we're close.
Wow
Rosie's gonna love it.
Maybe I should just have a quick peek.
[whooshing]
Dear god so much fun
the hours of entertainment
I could stay here forever!
Why should I give it to Rosie?
All the fun for Alison.
Alison. Let it go!
James said it's too powerful.
You just want it for yourself.
But it's mine. Mine!
[thunder crashing]
THE GREAT ONE:
Citizens of Dapto.
Are you ready to accept infinite love?
We are ready.
We unite as a community of love.
THE GREAT ONE:
Let the journey begin!
We're goin' to space, Darren.
Finally.
THE GREAT ONE: Mmhhh
yeah, yeah, that's good right there.
ALISON: Hmm.
That doesn't look like space.
HE GREAT ONE
Fuck yeah, that's good. Ahhh.
The Great One is coming!
The Great One cometh.
Oh, my God.
We're inside it.
The Great One is using us as a dildo.
THE GREAT ONE: Agh! Come on,
you dirty little slut of a planet.
Fuck me!
[metal clanging]
[both groaning]
[erotic chatter continues]
Yeah, yeah, right there, right there
I knew this was a sex thing.
Kevin, look.
THE GREAT ONE: Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna fuck this planet to death.
- If this thing keeps pleasuring
itself with us, it'll tear Dapto apart.
How are we going to get it off us?
By getting it off.
[screaming]
- Alison, we have to get out of here!
We're going to die!
Then I'll die happy. Leave me.
[rumbling]
Ohhh!
- Uhhh.
- Noooo!
LIAM: Come on.
[thuds]
I don't know about this.
- I promise. If you listen to me,
I can get us out of here.
But I'm not very good at this thing.
It's okay. I'll help you.
[beeping]
Okay, keep going.
Nice and slow, nice and slow
- Now left.
- Left?
- Really?
- Left, Kevin. Left, now, left.
Circular motion.
KOALA MAN:
Oh, no. Something's happening.
We better stop and completely change
the rhythm of what we're doing.
- No, Kevin, we're close.
Keep going, consistent motion, don't stop.
But it's been over four minutes.
ALISON: Don't stop.
KOALA MAN: Oh. I see something.
I think we're getting there.
I'm learning, Vicky.
Yes! Keep going!
Yes!
KOALA MAN: Tell me when we're there.
We're here. We're here.
KOALA MAN: Bombs away?
VICKY: Yes. Blow it!
[The Great One groans]
THE GREAT ONE:
Wraaarrrrrrwwwwwwww-fuckkkkk.
Uhh.
Vicky. We did it. We got it off.
- And it's not the only one
Koala Stud.
Mwwwwah.
THE GREAT ONE:
Ohh. I don't know what to say.
No planet's ever
done that for me before.
I usually fuck planets to death
and never get off, but
we must have had
some sort of real connection.
This might be too early to say, but
I think I'm falling
in love with you, Earth.
Give me a minute,
but then we can go again
rougher this time.
- I hadn't counted on this.
Who's ever heard of going multiple times?
We're doomed.
Mum, Dad!
We've been looking
all over for the adults.
We murdered a nice brain
and Alison found the Forbidden Showbag.
And Liam ruined it.
THE GREAT ONE:
Oh, you've got kids?
Uh, actually, I just remembered
I have this work thing in the morning.
So I should probably go.
But no, this was, this was fun.
Um, yeah, I'll totally text you, hey.
Alright, see ya.
Good work, kids.
You helped save
the planet from an alien sex pest.
Can't believe that's really a thing.
What a world we live in now.
- I didn't want to save the planet.
I wanted to be popular.
[liquid burbling]
- In the end, The Great One
was nothing more
than an interdimensional fuckboi.
Why does this keep happening to me?
Aw, Christ.
Who's gonna clean all this up?
Did someone say who?
- Gotta give Dapto credit.
We drained him good.
LIAM: Goodbye, my friend.
You may have been just a brain in a jar,
but I shall always remember
[sniffles] your heart.
- I suppose you got
what you wanted in the end:
the whole town working
together to clean up Dapto.
I was thinking we could work
on something else together later
Oooh. Cheeky. I'd like that.
Though, there really is still a lot
of alien ejaculate to clean up.
THE GREAT ONE:
Fuck yeah, I'd hit that.
Nope. Ugly.
Thicc.
Agh! No kids.
Hit it and quit it.
You bloody legend.
hard rock playing ♪
theme song playing ♪
fanfare playing ♪