La La Land (2010) s01e04 Episode Script

What these three men don't realize is that fame and fortune are fleeting.
It's stupidity that's eternal.
Welcome to La La Land.
Today's the most important day of Gary's new career as an actor.
He'll be attending his first audition a TV commercial.
Gary is doing everything he can to prepare.
I'm going to see this Metho d-actor acting coach.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Everybody thinks of the Method as what Marlon Brando did, you know.
Don't show me that same face.
I am gonna smack it off of you.
Because every time I talk about acting, you give me this face, and you're doin' De Niro.
You have done nothing to prepare for acting.
Nothing.
But what I'm saying is I can learn the Method.
Go see the coach and try to absorb one or two things that Gary will use for the rest of his life.
I really can do it.
Go get 'em.
Cheers, Mrs.
L.
Downtown, Shirley is setting up a premium-rate psychic hotline.
He must first recruit a telesales team willing to sell his spiritual products.
This is one of the things what I've got, Rich, is a globe lantern.
I've got a whole load of these.
There's bleedin' box loads out in the back.
I'm sure.
And, um, all you've got to do is try and While you're doing the reading, try and sneak this in, and try and get 'em to buy this off ya for $50.
It's-It's a lantern, right? But it's a spirit lantern.
Right.
Are you-you the man? Yes, I can sell anything.
Can I just quickly see how you do that? How I do what? - Sell.
- A globe? Yeah.
A psychic globe? A spirit globe.
Ring, ring! Ring, ring! Psychic Network.
Uh, hello.
Um, I, uh I lost my daughter in a car crash.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Someone's run her over, and I feel terrible.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Maybe we can interest you in an energy-saving outdoor lamp? You've lost me.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Let's do some trust exercises to build up trust.
All right? Okay.
Fall back, Elaine.
Okay.
And you've all bloody caught her! Thank you for calling the Shirley Ghostman Psychic Hotline.
How can I help you? Can I get your name and astrological sign? It's a globe meditating lantern.
I tell you what.
You prove to me that you're my grandmother, and I'll buy that stupid light.
Can you hold? Why would I sell her a knife and, like, scissors? Uh, how is that spiritual? It's for grooming your aura.
Remember, everybody, keep 'em on the line! Thank you for calling the Shirley Ghostman Psychic Hotline.
How can I help you? What is he What is he doing? Who is it? Sorry, this pen doesn't work.
Oh, shit.
Let me get you a pen.
Let me get you a pen.
Okay, thanks.
I believe that my boss would like to speak with you.
Hello, Jenny.
It's Shirley here.
Hi.
We can give you one of these clocks at a special price of $30.
Oh, she told me 10.
Hold on.
Can I just put you on hold? I said 30, and she wouldn't go for it.
So I was trying - Right.
Watch this and learn.
Uh, hello, yes.
Your grandmother just come through to me, and she says you should get this clock.
I've got a horrible, horrible feeling that if you do not get this clock, something horrible will happen to you and the rest of your family.
I'm getting a demon coming through, and something terrible is gonna happen.
Is it $10 or $30? It's $30.
Filmmaker Brendan hopes to turn his fortunes around by capitalizing on an untapped niche in the documentary market.
I'm gonna be the first right-wing Michael Moore.
Okay.
I'm gonna play to the red states.
I'm gonna give the Americans what the Americans want.
Following a minuteman in San Diego, I'm gonna shoot this documentary in one take.
Right-wing agenda, showing how great it is to control the borders.
You know, the the-the brown Mexican monster, even more horrid than than the worst thing Stephen King could even conjure in one of his novels.
Well, I-I think that most Americans actually agree with that.
- They'll be behind me.
- I think they will.
I would be fascinated to see this documentary.
In preparation for his audition, Gary is training with Metho d-acting coach Scott Sedita.
Hi.
Oh, I'm Gary.
Oh, hi, Gary.
Sit down.
Relax.
Yeah.
So, have you studied before? Pardon me.
No.
I have Well, yeah.
Do you come from London? Yeah.
Well, East London, yeah.
Okay, East London.
So, let's say you come from East London, and you come to Los Angeles.
And one of the things you want to do is you want to play professional tennis.
So, as a professional tennis player, do you think it might be a good idea to train? Before playing, uh, tennis? Well, sorry.
You lost me, mate.
I don't I wanna do acting.
I know.
But - If I wanted to play tennis, I wouldn't be here, would I? Well I'd go and, you know, do tennis.
I'd Am I confusing you? - No.
You're saying I know what you're saying 'cause - But I can do I can do - Do you feel comfortable talking to me? You're a little bit of a Bond villain in a in a little chair.
It feels like you should have a little cat on your cock you know, where you're giving it a little stoke.
It's like, it ain't normal for a geezer to be like that with another geezer.
- So I would - What role are you going in for? It's like, uh a salesman For? He sell He sells mattresses.
I think it's not a bad idea to go into one of these mattress stores and and kind of talk to someone, because there is something to learn from watching somebody else's life.
You need to merge yourself into that salesman.
Also listen.
I'm always listening to people, 'cause I'm like a sponge.
And my mum always'd say, "Listen, Gary.
Because if you don't listen, you don't learn.
" She's absolutely right, and that is that is a wonderful Yeah.
And that's why when I - That's why when I - You're not listening to me now.
Well, I do listen.
You just said I listened.
I didn't.
I said that's good advice.
You did.
You said, "You listen, and that's how you learn.
" And you you didn't hear that.
'Cause you ain't listening.
'Cause you are all about you.
In San Diego, Brendan meets the subject of the documentary he plans to shoot in one single, continuous take.
Jeff Schwilk is a minuteman, dedicated to defending America's borders.
We call it the largest invasion in the history of humankind from one country to the other.
They need to go back where they came from.
You are a patriot, a hero.
It's about your your day.
And action.
"A hero steps from a modern-day chariot Mr.
Jeff "Shrink," a minuteman.
Don't get me, Kiki.
Slow that down.
Slow it down.
Slo-o-ow it down.
"Illegal immigrants, go home.
You are not welcome here.
" Very good.
The command center hummed with a life of its own.
I wondered, how many lives had "Schmilk" saved with his 1990 Dell? Whose is that? Kiki? Yours.
Oh, that'll happen.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Anyway we could pick it up from here? Uh, well, no.
We should go back.
All the way through.
A modern-day hero steps from his chariot Mr.
Jeff "Swink"? S - Sorry, I just mispronounced your name.
- Rhymes with milk.
Schwilk.
Schwilk, yeah.
I said "Shrink.
" I've got it written down here.
Schwilk like milk.
Schwilk like milk.
You'll get it.
"Like all minutemen, 'Swink' loved dawn.
" You said "Swink.
" I didn't.
Schwilk like milk.
Jeff mucked up that one.
Shh What is it? Huh? Name.
Schwilk.
Schwilk.
Schwilk.
I did say it right, didn't I? Schwilk, Schwilk, Schwilk like milk.
Schwilk, Schwilk, Schwilk like milk.
Right.
Come on then.
"'Schrilk, ' like all milkmen" I'm sorry.
I think I just said " milkmen.
" Uh, sorry.
Really quick, straight again.
Yeah, let's go.
i- Let's make this one count, guys.
Come on.
Action.
- Hold on a minute.
Sorry.
That's You're sweating.
Oh, I know.
It's frickin' 150 degrees in there.
Right.
In the car.
Quick, again! It's like a hundred degrees in there.
Oh, is it? i- A sauna.
- Hold on.
I've just got a text.
Just hold on one second.
Are you speeding, Kiki? Yeah.
Ooh, I got a message.
In-box.
Okay.
Right.
Hey, Brendan? Are you speeding? Is it okay to just leave this down? Or do you really need it up? That won't cut.
You need it up when I come out? Yeah.
Okay, just making sure.
Okay.
Oh, shit! Fucking microphone.
Sorry, Jeff! I've left my microphone in there.
It gets hotter in here by the minute.
It-It functions as a clock radio, but it's a pathway, because it's been blessed by our Shirley Ghostman, psychic leader.
Hmm? Tell her spirit is fading.
The spirit is fading right now.
It's fading, fading.
It's fading, fading.
Hello, um, this is Shirley.
The spirit lady died, actually faded away.
Oh.
But I've got some very good news for you.
Okay.
Um, Mother Teresa is coming through.
Mother Teresa is coming through now Oh.
Through spirits! Hello? Oh, hello, Nicki.
Yes? Nicki, hello.
This is Mother Teresa calling.
I'm so happy to talk to you.
Say Tell her "Mother Teresa is blessing you.
" Yes.
Yes.
Oh, definitely.
Mother Teresa blesses that.
Blesses that.
Okay, my dear.
Okay, bye-bye.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello? Hello? Hello, this is Shirley Ghostman.
Hi.
I was just gonna say, you did actually speak to Mother Teresa then.
And I didn't have a chance to warn you, but that is like an extra $220 on your card.
i- Uh! That's a lot of money.
- Okay, let me hand you over to my complaints department.
Beep, beep, beep, doo, doo, doo, doo.
doo, doo, doo, I'm gonna say you're the complaints department, so put on a different voice.
Hello, this is the complaints department.
Hello Hi.
Hello? Hi.
I just I just wanted to Somebody said I was being charged $270? Oh, well, you you did speak to Mother Teresa, didn't you? Do you have Do you guys have a business license? Are you with the Better Business Bureau? Is she biting? She wants to know, do we have a business license? - Right.
What is going on here? Elaine now is crying.
She's threatening to kill herself.
Listen to this.
Just say you'll kill yourself.
Nicki, I'm going to end it.
I really am.
I'm gonna count to three, and this lady is gonna jump out of the window of the Empire State Building, so you better pay up.
You're gonna have to do the noise of you falling out the window.
You better pay up.
One, two, three.
It's too late.
On the advice of his acting coach, Gary has decided to go Method and shadow Neil Leeds, a mattress salesman.
i- Do you mind if I record this? - Yeah.
Right, okay.
I mean, I gotta talk So tell me Talk me through, where are you at, psychologically? I'm always feeling high-pitched, high energy.
And if anyone sees me, uh, hypothetically, "The guy's on drugs.
" What would you have for, like, a typical breakfast? Um, to be honest, I stop into a-a 76 gas station.
I get a Red Bull or a Monster drink with a Snickers.
And then I'm on my way to my first appointment.
Right.
It's wired.
I gotta sweep.
I gotta clean.
I gotta have the phones ringing.
I'm speeding.
I'm sweeping the street.
I'm running store to store.
That's my medicine, the sugar.
Taking the phone calls like this.
- And then elevenses.
- I'm getting a Hostess cake with the 400 and 500 calorie, creamy, delicious and a black coffee.
I need caffeine to get me back into the zone of "I'm up.
" Black coffee.
Right.
Could you talk me through, though, from your point of view, a morning without stepping out of it? Okay.
I haven't opened the door yet.
I get out of my car.
I'm gonna come back over here.
I'm gonna wipe this down.
I don't like this.
This is very bad, this cigarette butt over there.
I don't like it.
Look at that.
I-I-I want this painted today, right now.
It's horrible, man.
I-I don't like my day already.
I want this perfect.
I see marks, water stains behind behind the toilet.
I want to be able to look at this line, and it's straight.
You are thinking about When I pull this off, is there gonna be a spider here? We gotta be personable.
Eh, you're down, you gotta shake it around.
You gotta go, "Leeds!" And you gotta dance.
Hey! You gotta dance.
You know, if you wanna do some dancing, you know, if you need attention, you certainly can get attention.
What's up? What's goin' on? Hey! When you say about the mattress salesperson, "He's dynamic.
He could fight.
He could love.
" I'm on my edge, because I do get the guys coming from the street.
Yeah.
I do got a guy who might be my competition Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
come in to bust my chops and steal all my prices.
But, what? Am I gonna tell Spencer not to defend himself? Spencer, are you gonna defend yourself? Absolutely any day, all day, every day.
Right? Go, Neil! Go on, Neil, mate! Go on! Get him down! Get him down, mate! Get him down! Get him down! Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes! Neil! Michael, could you come to my office, please.
Are you any good with these things? I'm trying to get this off the whatchamacallit.
Yeah.
You, uh You trying to get out away from this Web site? Or you want to go into it? I want Do you like it? I'm not too big of a fan.
If-If that's what you like, I mean, that's what you like.
It's not my thing.
No, no.
It's not what I like.
I can't fuckin' stand it.
That's why I want it off my computer.
How do I get rid of that? So, where What would you like to look at? Um, big busty ladies.
Excuse me? That's just what I like ladies.
Do you know the public toilets in Griffith Park? What's that? In Griffith Park.
Do you know the public toilets? I do not know the public toilets in Griffith Park.
Maybe we could meet there.
Uh, I like the idea of a strip club much better than the Okay.
Goin' to the woods.
Let's go to a strip Let's go to a strip club and get wasted.
Okay.
And fiddle with some lady's tits.
Sounds like fun.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Yeah, Shirley.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
He made a call an emergency call.
A call to another minuteman, his friend, Barry.
Barry, it's Jeff.
Did you see the pictures? All right.
I'll meet you down there in a little while.
Bye.
He waited for Barry's reply.
He waited for I waited for you.
Right.
Jeff mucked that one up.
All you have to do is, "Jeff waited for his reply.
" It's simple.
"Jeff waited for Barry's reply.
" J There you go! In you get.
Good boy.
Let's do it.
Okay.
Jeff waited All right.
Sounds good.
See ya for Barry's re I don't understand.
It's so simple, Jeff.
My-My little boy could do this.
He's five.
Right, okay.
Let's go.
Right.
In the car.
All right.
Can you meet me down there? Jeff waited for his reply.
Great, Barry, great.
See you down there in a few minutes.
All right.
Bye.
"Like a gazelle, "he sped to the migrant camps.
He began to think out loud.
" What laws will these migrant campers be violating? Keep going.
What if they're down here trespassing Oh, Jeff! There was a massive pause there! I'm s I'm sorry, Brendan.
I'm seriously done.
No, 'cause we need it with this We need this one take.
You get one last chance.
You get one last chance.
I swear to God.
"A hero steps from a modern-day chariot.
He is Mr.
Jeff 'Schrilk.
'" Sorry.
I just got a text.
Five hours.
Let me ask you a question.
If you took off your jacket Yeah? and you tucked in your shirt, put in your gold They're gonna see you make too much money.
You got too much gold.
'Cause you're gonna look so much different.
Already you've changed completely, and I like it.
You got the muscles.
You got class.
And you also could pick up a broom.
And you could also wave, shake hands.
And if you need to get mad, you certainly could defend.
You got it all.
I gotta go and open it.
Gotta get the store open.
Oh, my God! All right.
You know what? There's dirt on top of here.
You're not mad about it.
You're just cleaning it up.
You are mad.
You're just Every fuckin' day you're mad.
You got so much shit on your mind.
You're mad.
But You're just You're movin', man.
You're not Gary anymore.
Remember that.
You're not acting.
Don't express with your face what you're doing, just do it.
You don't want to step on beds though.
Ah, the toilet's messy! You're not you.
You're not Gary anymore.
You are this person now.
You became the mattress salesman, man.
You're not dancin' it.
You're not dancin'.
You know why? 'Cause you can dance.
And when the dancing time comes out there, you will.
i- Hey, welcome to Los Angeles! - Hey! Hey! A little wash, a little wash! Hey! Oh! Right, you wanted to see me about something.
I think that I'm scamming these people.
They don't have any special powers, these things that we're selling to people.
Oh, but they do.
Do you really believe that? You really think that these things, these alarm clocks and these outdoor lanterns, are actually going to help people communicate with the dead? I have blessed each of the individual products what we are selling today.
I have touched them with my own hands and blessed them.
When I got through those lamps last night, I nearly collapsed.
Eileen Eileen, can you get to Sarah's desk now? I mean, this feels like a sweatshop.
Now.
But that You, for one, it feels very impersonal, you know? Like If I don't do that, Eileen will run amok.
Wha I just need support to get this business off the ground.
Can I show you something that's very personal to my heart? I don't show people this very often.
See her? Mm-hmm.
She is a poor, impoverished child, and I am paying for her to live.
I took that photo.
I adopted that girl.
And it's my money what goes into her.
So can I just say, the next time you wobble, have a look at her and think again.
Okay? Because if you don't, you'll end up like her, and she's now dead.
Gary has finally arrived at his audition for the Sunlands Mattress commercial.
He has decided to put all his Method training into practice.
All right.
Let's, uh, bring the next guy in.
Did you get a chance to look over the sides? Yes, I did.
I'm actually the, uh, manager of, uh, Sunlands.
Uh, I thought you might want to, uh, have a little look round the place, because, uh, we do stock all different types of mattresses.
'Cause I've got a lot of stores to run, and I've got a lot of pressure on me, because of all the different things going on in my life, 'cause I've got to keep the sales team going and all my stores at Sunlands.
We have a lot of pressure on ourselves to get the other actors in.
So let's have you stand behind the black tape.
Thank you, Gus.
Okay.
Can I interest you in any of the - No, not at all.
Why don't you have a look around the store, and if you see something you like Okay? Let's have you in the mark.
Would you like to lay down and do the comfort test? This is quite firm, 'cause it's 12-sprung.
Right? And, miss, what'd you think of this? -Lovely.
-Right, okay.
So, um, give me a call if you do need me over.
-I'm just gonna just stand back here.
- Thank you very much.
Thank you.
What mattress do you use at the moment? Thank you.
Thanks, Gary.
Yeah, we got it.
We got it.
But we appreciate your time.
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
i- Right.
- Cool.
I appreciate it.
W We ain't done me on tape yet, have ya? Uh-uh.
We got you on tape.
When I was doing the manager of Sunlands, like, doing that's like Method.
I thought I'd come in, do Method.
Thank you very much.
Gary, thank you very much.
We appreciate your time.
Thank you very much.
I think if you just give me a chance Get-Get Thank you.
Just give me a chance.
Okay, you're done.
Thank you.
Oh, my freakin' Lord.
And he thought out loud What are we gonna find down here today? What What What laws are they breaking? Are they violating and trespassing on the girls? Oh, Christ.
Pull in! With a bit of speed.
Right.
Kiki, out.
Yes.
Hey, Barry.
You saw the pictures, right? Yep.
Okay.
Let's go check it out.
Yeah, let's go find it.
The minutemen.
The patriots.
Like a pride of lions, looking out across the savannah.
The evil migrants from Mexico.
There's the infamous rape grove, with the tall No, Jeff! Wait for the music to just end! Last chance.
I'm tellin' you.
Last chance.
I'm only being serious.
I'm not an act I'm tellin' you.
I don't have time for this.
I don't.
Right, okay.
Let's go.
Please don't muck it up.
"Illegal immigrants, go home.
" Great, Barry, great.
See you down there in a few minutes.
What laws will the migrants be violating? Like lions across the savannah.
Jeff knew something was up.
Oh, Jesus.
Hello? Oh, hi, Jack.
Sorry, Daddy's making a film.
Sorry, can we cut? His phone has rang about I-I'm not exaggerating abt eight times.
No, no, no.
Daddy's not shouting at you.
He's not shouting at you.
- You You would've - Guys, can we cut? Excuse me, sir.
He say we cut now.
Can you stop moving? Guys, please! Just one proper take! I'll tell you what.
Let's do this one last take here.
Let's do one last take.
We're gonna do it, yeah? Last take.
Shirley Ghostman Psychic Hotline.
How can I help you? Mr.
Shirley? Mr.
Shirley? We've got to get out of here.
What? Oh, it's that ruddy woman what wouldn't pay fwr Mother Teresa! She's gone and called the cops on us.
I've got a plan.
Now get to your station! Okay, Mr.
Shirley.
Elaine? Elaine, can you come to my office now? So How's the day going for you? Oh It's not as productive as I thought.
Excuse me! i- Can you please get back to your station now? - Right.
Right there, Elaine.
Listen, I'm done.
Okay? e way that you're treating us feels wrong.
It feels like a sweatshop.
No! The way you're announcing things on that big speaker? It's like Hitler Youth.
It's weird.
- No.
- Yeah.
-I don't think you understand what we're trying to tell you.
-That's right.
Let's go.
No, I'm gonna bring her out I want to bring her out.
Okay, okay.
Don't take over.
Go grab her.
Go grab her.
We'll wait.
Right, okay.
I've got some news for everybody.
I'm promoting Elaine to manager of this branch of Shirley Ghostman Psychic Hotline.
So, everybody, round of applause for Elaine.
Elaine, do you want to do this? She is now manager.
Right, who's manager? Elaine.
Elaine.
Why don't we call Elaine "Shirley"? Okay.
I'm gonna pop out now for a bit.
- Somebody coming, Mr.
Shirley! - Okay, okay, okay! Get my stuff, get my stuff, get my stuff! Everything! Have you got everything? Elaine, you're in charge! Come on, Chico!