Lemon La Vida Loca (2012) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 Hello, my name's Keith Lemon.
Welcome to my reality show.
I'm Keith Lemon, the host of TV shows such as Celebrity Juice and Lemon Aid.
I'm even about to star in my own film.
Action! And now I've been given my own reality show, so you'll get to know the real me.
Rosie, watch this! That's Rosie, my girlfriend, who's just moved in with me.
My, she's fit! I want to finger-blast her right now but I won't cos we're on camera.
So, stay tuned to get exclusive access to my incredible celebrity lifestyle.
It's lavish, in't it? This is me, Keith Lemon, laid bare.
What're you doing? Oh, my God, get out of the bathroom.
I can't believe you spent £6 million on a house.
You'd better believe it.
I ain't got £6 million.
What about if we loaned the house whilst I'm on this reality show? We're going abroad! Woo! I love you.
You let me say I love you and didn't say anything back! I said I like you.
Since we've been back from Marbella I've not spoken to Rosie, because I got whisked off to do a promotional tour for Keith Lemon - The Film.
Beaut! Argh! What do you think of Liverpool? You've arrived in Merseyside.
Yeah, it's full of planes.
There, that's £8.
I'm making a new show and they're filming me now.
I expect it'll be a montage.
They love a montage in a reality show.
That's it.
That's brilliant.
I wasn't even drunk.
It's just dedication.
The guy's an absolute genius.
Going back to Rosie now and hopefully she'll have her arms wide open and anything else she wants to have wide open, and welcome me back and say that she misses me.
She'll probably say the L word and I'll say 'Yeah.
Erm I like you, too'.
Hello? Oh.
I had to sleep in t'spare room.
It were my decision to sleep in t'spare room, she didn't make me.
Just so we've got a bit of time apart so we can work out in our minds what she did wrong - I did wrong.
We've not spoken since we got back.
You're everywhere, aren't you? What time did you get here, then? She's in there.
And are you still angry with him? Yeah, I am.
I said some things I shouldn't have said but so did he, so I just feel like I want to go home.
I haven't got any mates here, anyone to ring, I just want to go home.
Look at that there.
That's what she lives off, salad.
She said, erm She said that she's going to go back to Leeds.
If she goes back to Leeds, probably best for both of us cos she's doing my head in.
And sometimes I think she's playing up to the camera.
Cos she says she's worried how she's being perceived on camera, and she don't want t'whole nation to hate her, and let's face it, they probably do.
You think it's going to be all, you know, sex on tap, don't you, and good, when you move in with someone.
All I've had is Sex And The bastard City.
Every (BLEEP) night, I come home, Sex And The bastard City.
That programme gives them too many ideas, makes them all 'We'll do this.
We'll set up a business.
I'm better at sex than you and I decide' and all this sloppy stuff.
Morning.
I've erm made you breakfast.
Sorry.
Please forgive me.
I mean it.
Made you salad, look.
Thanks.
Your favourite.
Yeah.
I'm really sorry how I behaved.
It was out of order, and I was just playing up to t'cameras cos I'm scared that t'nation will hate me, because they'll see the real me.
And sometimes I'm really insensitive and I don't respect women enough.
I don't want to fight with you.
That's not what I want.
You know when I say to Fearne 'You've got boy tits - ' Bring Fearne up, yeah, that's relevant.
No, it is, cos I'm saying I don't mean she's got boy tits, cos she's got quite nice tits, and boys don't have nice tits, do they? And when I say she's got big nostrils, she ain't.
You're showing off.
If you really want to say sorry, you should have said to them 'Don't come today'.
You know I'm having a hard time with it.
I am truly sorry though.
As a special treat, I've got someone in to give you, like, a spa treatment, sort of thing.
Waxing, buffing.
Cleaning t'muff out and everything.
Have you done that for me, or have you done that to make an interesting reality TV show? I've done it for you, cos I don't care about reality TV shows any more.
I mean, I'm ready to quit it if you want to quit.
If you don't want to do it.
Or we can just pixellate your face every time you're on.
Look at this breakfast.
I've put no salad cream on it.
Cos I know it's fattening.
Yeah.
Is that nice? Yeah.
Very thoughtful of you.
Ooh, you've got morning breath! Oh, thanks.
Good, yeah.
It stinks.
Oh, yeah, tell everyone.
Brilliant.
When I woke up, I farted like you wouldn't believe before I shit my pants.
That were showing off to t'camera.
Yeah, you were.
You always are.
I can't believe I'm laughing.
Do you forgive me? Yeah.
You really have got bad morning breath.
Thanks, yeah.
We made up after Marbella, where I said I loved Keith and he didn't say it back.
I think we're just going to leave that for now, and I'm going to think, when he says 'I like you', I know what he's saying.
I arranged it.
Like, arranged it all myself.
Hello.
Hello! This is Rosie.
Hello, Rosie.
Hiya.
Can you get rid of that little Jasper there? Yeah, of course.
I've got a little Jasper at the bottom, haven't I? I'm a bit nervous.
I'm going to do it in small sections, though.
It's only a little bit.
OK.
Ready? Mm-hm.
You sure? Yeah.
Breathe in.
Yeah.
Oh, you fucker! You'll feel it when it comes.
Argh! Is it a bit gay? No! I'm not against gays.
My brother's gay.
No, no, no, no, no.
My brother didn't know he was gay and then I caught him with a mouthful of cock, and I said that means you are.
Is that true, that story? Yeah.
It's not, is it? Yeah.
But this is on TV, so you shouldn't say.
Oh, yeah, it's not true, it's a joke.
I just did it to make you feel uncomfortable.
It's not true at all.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Changed your mind? I haven't even got a brother.
No, that Is that too far away? Yeah.
I have got a brother.
Shall I do this? I won't take this off.
Don't, cos I'll get sacked.
And a little bit there.
Just wank my fingers off.
Sorry, sorry, I won't Showing off, sorry.
It's all right, it's OK.
You're surrounded by three girls.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Pineapple, pepperoni.
Yeah.
And one of those Polo-things.
Chicken, with those green things on.
Peppers! Peppers on.
When I moved down to London I didn't realise you would be naked quite as much as you are naked.
Yeah, I just like feeling free, don't I? Yeah.
It's only nature, it's natural.
But maybe don't go down the drive.
Thank you.
There's your package.
Cheers.
Hiya! This is my decision And you keep on messing up the words Rosie.
Yeah? I've got you a present.
I had a little accident in t'driveway.
I dropped it.
It was a letter R made out of lemon drops.
Erm But I dropped it so now it's just lemon drops.
But it was originally a big R.
Was it a K? Yeah, it was a K.
Did you lie about the R? Yeah, I did but I thought - Did someone give it to you and you didn't really buy it? Yeah.
OK.
But it don't matter, does it? It's still a lovely present.
It's the thought that counts, innit? Yeah, thanks very much.
Yeah.
What were you up to? Nothing, I was just on my phone.
I were thinking, we could erm if we knocked through that wall, we could have a massive room.
Yeah.
I don't think we should knock anything down right now, really.
It would be good, like, when people come to dinner.
I don't think we should knock anything down just yet.
It's a bit hasty.
Oh, OK.
We started talking about redecorating the house a bit.
Yeah, but when you buy a house for £6 million, you don't redecorate.
Just put our stamp on it.
Make it more It has our stamp on it.
Situation.
Ooh, they're dirty! I decided I needed a PA.
She didn't look like Fearne Cotton, she was black.
Ever done bum sex? So, we're getting on well again, aren't we? Yeah.
But I was so busy promoting the film and filming the film and whatever with the film, I decided I need a PA, which stands for Personal Assistant.
Assistant.
Keith, this is Asha.
Asha, hello.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
This is Steve.
Steve.
Hi, Keith.
How's it going? How are you? Nice to meet you.
This is Caico.
What's you name? Caico.
Caygo? Caico.
Caygo.
Caico, there's no G in it.
Caico! It's Caico.
Oh, not Caygo.
What does your job involve at the moment? Just general PA role, so diary management.
Right.
Are you good at diary management, then? Mm, yeah, yeah.
I don't ever get any clashes, which is the main thing.
Do you know how to run a diary electronically? Yeah.
I do all that sort of stuff.
Oh, right.
Do you know how to reset digital TV? You know when we did digital turnover and all t'tellys went wrong? Do you know how to sort that out? N-N-No.
You're familiar to me.
You look really familiar.
Me? Yeah, I think you look like someone.
I don't know who it is.
Have you got contacts in the media world? Erm No, not really.
Have you ever met Andi Peters? No, I haven't, no.
Have you? That's probably not necessary.
He's still very connected, he can get you a Nando's card.
Do you think you could get me a Nando's card? What about answering fan mail? Would you be happy to do that? Oh, yeah, that would be fine.
Yeah, I'd love that.
Probably get some really wicked ones, huh? Quite rude.
'Will you smash my back doors in?' Really? Yeah.
'My boyfriend's gone out, would you finger-blast me?' Wow, OK.
What's your favourite film? Do you like Back To The Future? I love Back To The Future.
What is the best film out of Back To The Future - I don't like Back To The Future.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you, it's nice meeting you.
Take care.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you, take care.
And you.
Doesn't like Back To T'Future? She can go (BLEEP) herself with a bag of nettles.
Cheers.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
We'll be in touch, yeah? OK, thank you.
Bye-bye.
I liked her.
She looked like Fearne Cotton.
She didn't look like Fearne Cotton, she was black.
I think I look like me but, yeah, I go places and people say I look like Fearne Cotton.
A black Fearne Cotton, sometimes they say.
Who did you like? Well, I thought the first girl was lovely.
Yes, she were nice.
But I think she'd be a bit starstruck.
If she met anybody famous like Lisa Scott-Lee.
Or anyone of that calibre.
The middle guy might tell all his mates my private information.
Such as that I've been circumcised.
I liked Cakehole.
Caico! I liked her cos she had media experience, didn't she? And she were dead pretty.
What exactly is it that you need them to do? Run my diary, electronically.
Yeah, but your agent already does that, and I could do it.
Why don't you, then? What am I getting people to do it for, then? I don't know.
Do you want to do it? Yeah, I can do it for you.
If that's all it is, and fan mail.
Do you know what it entails? Do you know what it entails? Not really, but I just like the idea of having a PA.
Do you want it to be me, then? OK.
That was a bit of a waste of their time.
But it was good for t'reality show, cos it brought other people into t'house, rather than just us.
After we decided that I was going to be Keith's PA, I started to reply to some of his fan mail for him.
What are you doing? Your fan mail.
Your fans are bloody weird.
What are you doing with that? I'm on this new diet thing.
My agent says that I've put timber on.
You can't eat t'skin, though.
I don't even know how you eat a pineapple.
You've got to cut it up.
Do you want me to reply to everyone? Yeah, and I'll sign them.
Every time my boyfriend mots me out, I imagine it's you doing it and when I come I always shout 'Sh'ting!' If it's creepy, do you still want to reply? Yeah, I've got to.
OK.
Keep it real, yeah.
Shall I just do a generic reply for everyone or do you want me to make 'em, you know, sort of personal? Er, just say, 'All the best, Keith Lemon' and I'll sign Keith Lemon.
OK, and do we just throw these pants all away? I don't want them keeping.
What are you doing? You said cut it.
OK.
You're going to eat it like that, are you? I've never eaten one proper, a proper one, that's not in a Nando's.
In the future, if people come round or you have one at somebody's house, you don't do it like that.
OK.
OK, so all pants are going in t'bin.
Ooh, they're dirty! Well, sometimes they send them, dirty used ones.
Oh, they're stained.
Yeah, she's used them.
She's used them when she's having a difficult time! Blood-egg week.
Sign it, then.
That's creepy.
What's in it? Maybe you should put rubber gloves on.
Maybe.
I might be able to catch summat.
Careful.
Be mine.
It's not even signed.
There's no return address.
Your fans are mad.
I've been really busy lately, so Rosie was going through my fan mail.
Your weird fan mail.
And it just occurred to me whilst I looked at this beautiful creature, do you know what? Maybe this is is the one and maybe it's time to move our relationship forward to the next plateau.
You know when you're on t'tube? Yeah.
And sometimes where it says No Entry? Yeah.
Have you ever gone down that entrance? Just sort of like to beat the system? No.
Well, what I really mean is erm ever done bum sex? No.
Why? Just wondered.
Do you want to do bum sex? Are you asking if I want bum sex while t'cameras are here? I'm not saying I will, I'm just saying, asking, if you want to.
No, I was just asking if you'd ever done it.
Have you ever done it? Don't know.
You do know.
Can't remember.
Ah, hark at you, all embarrassed! Well, do you want to have bum sex? No.
Why not? It might hurt.
Do you think it's morally wrong? No, because it's not wrong to be gay.
Didn't say anything about being gay, did I? I said about having bum sex.
That's what they do, though.
Not always.
Some gays just toss off.
No, they have bum sex.
Do you think it's a loving act, this bum sex? I don't know, cos I've never done it.
Oh.
I think my bum's right tiny.
I know.
The next job that I did as Keith's PA was taking him to This Morning, for an interview with Eamonn Holmes.
It was exciting.
Hello! Keith! Have I got time to say hello? Doctor Chris, are you all right? Hello, there! Hey, long time no see! Trophy winner! Yeah.
Supreme.
Won one.
I've got your photos on my phone.
The kids love ya! Oh, nice one.
Nice to see you.
Doctor Chris is a lovely man, but he once told me that he stole one of those charity boxes where it's a child and a little dog.
No.
Outside a shop.
He said he stole one of them.
No, I think you've got confused.
That wouldn't be Doctor Chris.
Little girl with calliper on t'leg.
He said he stole one of them.
This is Rosie, my PA.
Hiya.
And this is Sue, my PR.
Have we got any more letters? He looks like Mike Myers, don't he? Yeah, baby! Look at you, taking it professionally.
Well, it's serious.
Do you want me not to say that you're my girlfriend to people? We don't have to say that, they won't ask.
THIS MORNING THEME I can tell you, there's a lot of people Why am I stood so far away from you? Cos I like it like that.
I'm doing a reality show.
Are you? Called Lemon La Vida Loca.
You're on it right now.
If you don't want to be, we can blur your face.
That's Rosie, my PA.
Hi, Rosie.
Hiya.
God love you, Rosie.
I don't know what they do.
You're both going to need counselling after this.
Why? I only get him or a minute and I need therapy.
She loves it! We did t'news, didn't we? Remember t'news, the potato news? Situation Belfast.
Tell me what the situation is.
You're looking good today, though, Ruth.
Thank you.
You've done well there, Eamonn.
THEME TUNE Good.
It went well.
He remembered everything.
Eamonn, this is my PA, Rosie.
Rosie, are you having an affair with him? That's a yes, then.
She's as guilty as sin, guilty as sin, yeah.
What sort of things do PAs do, then? A PA does Well, they do everything to make sure you don't have to do it.
Transport, travel, ahm ahm Bills.
Yeah.
Matter of fact, they control your life.
An odd oral pleasure here and there, when you're feeling a bit down.
We've talked about this - I'm only joking.
He told me that, it's terrible.
He's filthy off camera, that's where I get it from.
I'm away to do sticky chicken.
Enjoy! See, even the way he said 'sticky'.
Even the way he said 'sticky' was rude.
Stop saying oral to people.
My God! Keith arranged an amazing surprise for me.
Is that a yes? So to say thanks to Rosie for everything, I arranged a special dinner, which cost me through the nose.
Hello? I have a bit of posh in me.
How are you finding it, like, sort of being on telly and stuff? It's weird that people might know my name who I don't know.
Yeah.
Cos my agent weren't sure that I should even have a girlfriend.
Well you have.
I'm gonna smell like shit after I eat this.
I can smell the onion from here.
Maybe we could just not kiss and do other things? That's romantic on our nice meal out.
I'm a bit nervous about these things.
Is it a bollock? What did you order? It's like, erm it's like a kebab inside a bollock.
Kebollock.
Kebollock! Oops! And what do you think? What, about having a girlfriend? Do you think it's changed anything for you? Erm do you think I've changed? You've got a bit better at it.
Cos you'd never really done it properly before, had you? No, just like one-night shags and stuff.
How's your bollocks? My bollocks are nice.
So I'd arranged this lovely meal because we both spoke about how we felt about each other.
Well, she said how she felt about me.
And then I thought, I'm just gonna tell her.
I'm just gonna tell her.
So, shall we get some drinks? Yeah, that'll be good.
Could you like some CHAMPAGNE?! Yeah.
Why are you saying it -? The sun goes down Oh, god.
The stars come out And all that counts Is here and now My universe Will never be the same I'm glad you came Ooooooo Ooo ooo ooo Oh, God.
Oh, my God, they're everywhere.
Ooo ooo ooo Ooo ooo ooo ooo Ooo ooo ooo ooo Oh, my God, they're everywhere.
Ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo Oooooo ooo Keith arranged an amazing surprise for me while we were in the restaurant.
It were really romantic.
Well on me Well on me And I decided you look well on me Well on me So let's go somewhere Ooh, there's more! No-one else can see you and me Oh, my God, it's all of them.
And turn the lights out now Now I take you by the hand Hand you another drink Drink it if you can Can you spend a little time Time is slipping away Away from us, so stay Stay with me, I can make Make you glad you came The sun goes down And the stars come out And all that counts Is here and now My universe will never be the same I'm glad you came I'm glad you came I did all that cos I'm glad you came.
It was so nice.
Thank you.
Are these people not really having their tea, then? I organised this for you.
Oh, yeah, none of them have got food.
They're not real people.
I just thought it would be nice to say, I'm glad you came.
Thanks very much.
Maybe we should just go home and I smash your back doors in.
All right, well, here's a bit more.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Doo doo-doo doo Doo-doo doo doo We don't have to take our clothes off To have a good time Oh no We can get to party All night And drink some cherry wine Uh-huh We don't have to take our clothes off To have a good time Oh no We can dance and party all night And drink some cherry wine Uh-huh Na na na-na-na na O-oh Na-na-na-naaaaaaa Yeah, yeah, yea-a-a-ah Na na na Oh no Na na na na na-na-na Na na Oh, well Very good, very good, yes.
Yes? That was a yes? Yes, what? Er what? For bum sex? Oh, stop asking me in front of people.
It's a yes, though, yes? Yep, yeah.
Yes!! Bum sex!! Thanks, everybody.
Go and sit down.
We'll have a moment, please.
And that's how we do.
Did you do all of that just so I'd have bum sex with you? Yes.
Well, it worked.
Let's go, then.
Don't we need to pay? Yeah.
Can we have t'bill, please? Na na na na na-na-na Na na So we went home and had bum sex.
What did you think? We weren't fussed, really, were we? Don't believe the hype.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
No.
And then we had the biggest night of my life.
Film premiere.
In Leicester Square.
London.
Oh, couldn't believe it, could I? You couldn't.
I couldn't, could I? You couldn't.
You couldn't.
Right now, we're in a hotel in Soho.
Rosie's just getting dressed for the premiere.
I'm celebrating the premiere by getting drunk.
Oooosh! I like to take it all in.
You know, when t'smoke comes out.
Are you nervous? A bit.
Are you? Yeah.
Aw! I've been at a premiere before but not, like, my own.
It's brilliant.
You're brilliant in it and it's really funny.
Everyone's gonna love it so you've got nothing to be nervous about.
I'm a bit agi, as you can imagine.
I've talcum-powdered my arse about three times.
Thank God that Kelly Brook uses talc.
Cos she's right hairy downstairs.
She talcs up.
Otherwise you sweat.
I think Jenny Powell's gonna turn up as well She's not, is she? Yeah, I told them to send her an invite.
Water under the bridge, yeah? You're kidding? Water under t'bridge.
She can apologise for calling her a slut.
Come on, we need to go.
Right, let's go.
Good luck, Keith! Cheers! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
There's Fern! Look at all this.
OK.
Here we go.
Just gonna go out now.
You all right? Yeah.
Kelly as well, please! How was that, then? I couldn't believe it.
Loads of people knew what my name was.
Did they? Yeah, shouting, Rosie! Rosie! That's the TV show, I suppose.
I've gotta go and say hello to everyone, but I wanna say that I love you.
You what? That I love you.
I had a really good time.
Did you? Yeah.
It were really special and romantic.
Told you I'd give you a special romantic time.
Yeah.
That's me.
Special and romantic.
Ohhh.
You're making movies.
Yeah.
I just feel like I've grown and, you know, I think I could, like, be with one person for, like, longer than a night.
I never thought I'd get Fern Cotton out of my mind, but you got Fern Cotton out of my mind.
Hurrah.
And I never think of Holly Willoughby ever.
Not even when I'm by myself and I'm pumping fist.
You can think about her if you want.
Only when I'm pumping fist.
Yeah.
I'll stay here for a bit longer, then.
What, in bed? No, I mean in London together, living together.
Yeah, we can stay in London and live together, yeah.
Yeah.
But not in this house.
Why? Cos I, erm just borrowed it for this programme.
I ain't got six million pounds.
I'm only on ITV2.
What the (BLEEP) you talking about? Do they know that? Yeah, they filmed it, didn't they? I've told everyone we live here! Everyone from up north thinks we live here! I knew you wanted me for my money! When were you gonna tell me? Tell you what? That we're not gonna live here.
I just (BLEEP) told you, didn't I?!
Welcome to my reality show.
I'm Keith Lemon, the host of TV shows such as Celebrity Juice and Lemon Aid.
I'm even about to star in my own film.
Action! And now I've been given my own reality show, so you'll get to know the real me.
Rosie, watch this! That's Rosie, my girlfriend, who's just moved in with me.
My, she's fit! I want to finger-blast her right now but I won't cos we're on camera.
So, stay tuned to get exclusive access to my incredible celebrity lifestyle.
It's lavish, in't it? This is me, Keith Lemon, laid bare.
What're you doing? Oh, my God, get out of the bathroom.
I can't believe you spent £6 million on a house.
You'd better believe it.
I ain't got £6 million.
What about if we loaned the house whilst I'm on this reality show? We're going abroad! Woo! I love you.
You let me say I love you and didn't say anything back! I said I like you.
Since we've been back from Marbella I've not spoken to Rosie, because I got whisked off to do a promotional tour for Keith Lemon - The Film.
Beaut! Argh! What do you think of Liverpool? You've arrived in Merseyside.
Yeah, it's full of planes.
There, that's £8.
I'm making a new show and they're filming me now.
I expect it'll be a montage.
They love a montage in a reality show.
That's it.
That's brilliant.
I wasn't even drunk.
It's just dedication.
The guy's an absolute genius.
Going back to Rosie now and hopefully she'll have her arms wide open and anything else she wants to have wide open, and welcome me back and say that she misses me.
She'll probably say the L word and I'll say 'Yeah.
Erm I like you, too'.
Hello? Oh.
I had to sleep in t'spare room.
It were my decision to sleep in t'spare room, she didn't make me.
Just so we've got a bit of time apart so we can work out in our minds what she did wrong - I did wrong.
We've not spoken since we got back.
You're everywhere, aren't you? What time did you get here, then? She's in there.
And are you still angry with him? Yeah, I am.
I said some things I shouldn't have said but so did he, so I just feel like I want to go home.
I haven't got any mates here, anyone to ring, I just want to go home.
Look at that there.
That's what she lives off, salad.
She said, erm She said that she's going to go back to Leeds.
If she goes back to Leeds, probably best for both of us cos she's doing my head in.
And sometimes I think she's playing up to the camera.
Cos she says she's worried how she's being perceived on camera, and she don't want t'whole nation to hate her, and let's face it, they probably do.
You think it's going to be all, you know, sex on tap, don't you, and good, when you move in with someone.
All I've had is Sex And The bastard City.
Every (BLEEP) night, I come home, Sex And The bastard City.
That programme gives them too many ideas, makes them all 'We'll do this.
We'll set up a business.
I'm better at sex than you and I decide' and all this sloppy stuff.
Morning.
I've erm made you breakfast.
Sorry.
Please forgive me.
I mean it.
Made you salad, look.
Thanks.
Your favourite.
Yeah.
I'm really sorry how I behaved.
It was out of order, and I was just playing up to t'cameras cos I'm scared that t'nation will hate me, because they'll see the real me.
And sometimes I'm really insensitive and I don't respect women enough.
I don't want to fight with you.
That's not what I want.
You know when I say to Fearne 'You've got boy tits - ' Bring Fearne up, yeah, that's relevant.
No, it is, cos I'm saying I don't mean she's got boy tits, cos she's got quite nice tits, and boys don't have nice tits, do they? And when I say she's got big nostrils, she ain't.
You're showing off.
If you really want to say sorry, you should have said to them 'Don't come today'.
You know I'm having a hard time with it.
I am truly sorry though.
As a special treat, I've got someone in to give you, like, a spa treatment, sort of thing.
Waxing, buffing.
Cleaning t'muff out and everything.
Have you done that for me, or have you done that to make an interesting reality TV show? I've done it for you, cos I don't care about reality TV shows any more.
I mean, I'm ready to quit it if you want to quit.
If you don't want to do it.
Or we can just pixellate your face every time you're on.
Look at this breakfast.
I've put no salad cream on it.
Cos I know it's fattening.
Yeah.
Is that nice? Yeah.
Very thoughtful of you.
Ooh, you've got morning breath! Oh, thanks.
Good, yeah.
It stinks.
Oh, yeah, tell everyone.
Brilliant.
When I woke up, I farted like you wouldn't believe before I shit my pants.
That were showing off to t'camera.
Yeah, you were.
You always are.
I can't believe I'm laughing.
Do you forgive me? Yeah.
You really have got bad morning breath.
Thanks, yeah.
We made up after Marbella, where I said I loved Keith and he didn't say it back.
I think we're just going to leave that for now, and I'm going to think, when he says 'I like you', I know what he's saying.
I arranged it.
Like, arranged it all myself.
Hello.
Hello! This is Rosie.
Hello, Rosie.
Hiya.
Can you get rid of that little Jasper there? Yeah, of course.
I've got a little Jasper at the bottom, haven't I? I'm a bit nervous.
I'm going to do it in small sections, though.
It's only a little bit.
OK.
Ready? Mm-hm.
You sure? Yeah.
Breathe in.
Yeah.
Oh, you fucker! You'll feel it when it comes.
Argh! Is it a bit gay? No! I'm not against gays.
My brother's gay.
No, no, no, no, no.
My brother didn't know he was gay and then I caught him with a mouthful of cock, and I said that means you are.
Is that true, that story? Yeah.
It's not, is it? Yeah.
But this is on TV, so you shouldn't say.
Oh, yeah, it's not true, it's a joke.
I just did it to make you feel uncomfortable.
It's not true at all.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Changed your mind? I haven't even got a brother.
No, that Is that too far away? Yeah.
I have got a brother.
Shall I do this? I won't take this off.
Don't, cos I'll get sacked.
And a little bit there.
Just wank my fingers off.
Sorry, sorry, I won't Showing off, sorry.
It's all right, it's OK.
You're surrounded by three girls.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Pineapple, pepperoni.
Yeah.
And one of those Polo-things.
Chicken, with those green things on.
Peppers! Peppers on.
When I moved down to London I didn't realise you would be naked quite as much as you are naked.
Yeah, I just like feeling free, don't I? Yeah.
It's only nature, it's natural.
But maybe don't go down the drive.
Thank you.
There's your package.
Cheers.
Hiya! This is my decision And you keep on messing up the words Rosie.
Yeah? I've got you a present.
I had a little accident in t'driveway.
I dropped it.
It was a letter R made out of lemon drops.
Erm But I dropped it so now it's just lemon drops.
But it was originally a big R.
Was it a K? Yeah, it was a K.
Did you lie about the R? Yeah, I did but I thought - Did someone give it to you and you didn't really buy it? Yeah.
OK.
But it don't matter, does it? It's still a lovely present.
It's the thought that counts, innit? Yeah, thanks very much.
Yeah.
What were you up to? Nothing, I was just on my phone.
I were thinking, we could erm if we knocked through that wall, we could have a massive room.
Yeah.
I don't think we should knock anything down right now, really.
It would be good, like, when people come to dinner.
I don't think we should knock anything down just yet.
It's a bit hasty.
Oh, OK.
We started talking about redecorating the house a bit.
Yeah, but when you buy a house for £6 million, you don't redecorate.
Just put our stamp on it.
Make it more It has our stamp on it.
Situation.
Ooh, they're dirty! I decided I needed a PA.
She didn't look like Fearne Cotton, she was black.
Ever done bum sex? So, we're getting on well again, aren't we? Yeah.
But I was so busy promoting the film and filming the film and whatever with the film, I decided I need a PA, which stands for Personal Assistant.
Assistant.
Keith, this is Asha.
Asha, hello.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
This is Steve.
Steve.
Hi, Keith.
How's it going? How are you? Nice to meet you.
This is Caico.
What's you name? Caico.
Caygo? Caico.
Caygo.
Caico, there's no G in it.
Caico! It's Caico.
Oh, not Caygo.
What does your job involve at the moment? Just general PA role, so diary management.
Right.
Are you good at diary management, then? Mm, yeah, yeah.
I don't ever get any clashes, which is the main thing.
Do you know how to run a diary electronically? Yeah.
I do all that sort of stuff.
Oh, right.
Do you know how to reset digital TV? You know when we did digital turnover and all t'tellys went wrong? Do you know how to sort that out? N-N-No.
You're familiar to me.
You look really familiar.
Me? Yeah, I think you look like someone.
I don't know who it is.
Have you got contacts in the media world? Erm No, not really.
Have you ever met Andi Peters? No, I haven't, no.
Have you? That's probably not necessary.
He's still very connected, he can get you a Nando's card.
Do you think you could get me a Nando's card? What about answering fan mail? Would you be happy to do that? Oh, yeah, that would be fine.
Yeah, I'd love that.
Probably get some really wicked ones, huh? Quite rude.
'Will you smash my back doors in?' Really? Yeah.
'My boyfriend's gone out, would you finger-blast me?' Wow, OK.
What's your favourite film? Do you like Back To The Future? I love Back To The Future.
What is the best film out of Back To The Future - I don't like Back To The Future.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you, it's nice meeting you.
Take care.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you, take care.
And you.
Doesn't like Back To T'Future? She can go (BLEEP) herself with a bag of nettles.
Cheers.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
We'll be in touch, yeah? OK, thank you.
Bye-bye.
I liked her.
She looked like Fearne Cotton.
She didn't look like Fearne Cotton, she was black.
I think I look like me but, yeah, I go places and people say I look like Fearne Cotton.
A black Fearne Cotton, sometimes they say.
Who did you like? Well, I thought the first girl was lovely.
Yes, she were nice.
But I think she'd be a bit starstruck.
If she met anybody famous like Lisa Scott-Lee.
Or anyone of that calibre.
The middle guy might tell all his mates my private information.
Such as that I've been circumcised.
I liked Cakehole.
Caico! I liked her cos she had media experience, didn't she? And she were dead pretty.
What exactly is it that you need them to do? Run my diary, electronically.
Yeah, but your agent already does that, and I could do it.
Why don't you, then? What am I getting people to do it for, then? I don't know.
Do you want to do it? Yeah, I can do it for you.
If that's all it is, and fan mail.
Do you know what it entails? Do you know what it entails? Not really, but I just like the idea of having a PA.
Do you want it to be me, then? OK.
That was a bit of a waste of their time.
But it was good for t'reality show, cos it brought other people into t'house, rather than just us.
After we decided that I was going to be Keith's PA, I started to reply to some of his fan mail for him.
What are you doing? Your fan mail.
Your fans are bloody weird.
What are you doing with that? I'm on this new diet thing.
My agent says that I've put timber on.
You can't eat t'skin, though.
I don't even know how you eat a pineapple.
You've got to cut it up.
Do you want me to reply to everyone? Yeah, and I'll sign them.
Every time my boyfriend mots me out, I imagine it's you doing it and when I come I always shout 'Sh'ting!' If it's creepy, do you still want to reply? Yeah, I've got to.
OK.
Keep it real, yeah.
Shall I just do a generic reply for everyone or do you want me to make 'em, you know, sort of personal? Er, just say, 'All the best, Keith Lemon' and I'll sign Keith Lemon.
OK, and do we just throw these pants all away? I don't want them keeping.
What are you doing? You said cut it.
OK.
You're going to eat it like that, are you? I've never eaten one proper, a proper one, that's not in a Nando's.
In the future, if people come round or you have one at somebody's house, you don't do it like that.
OK.
OK, so all pants are going in t'bin.
Ooh, they're dirty! Well, sometimes they send them, dirty used ones.
Oh, they're stained.
Yeah, she's used them.
She's used them when she's having a difficult time! Blood-egg week.
Sign it, then.
That's creepy.
What's in it? Maybe you should put rubber gloves on.
Maybe.
I might be able to catch summat.
Careful.
Be mine.
It's not even signed.
There's no return address.
Your fans are mad.
I've been really busy lately, so Rosie was going through my fan mail.
Your weird fan mail.
And it just occurred to me whilst I looked at this beautiful creature, do you know what? Maybe this is is the one and maybe it's time to move our relationship forward to the next plateau.
You know when you're on t'tube? Yeah.
And sometimes where it says No Entry? Yeah.
Have you ever gone down that entrance? Just sort of like to beat the system? No.
Well, what I really mean is erm ever done bum sex? No.
Why? Just wondered.
Do you want to do bum sex? Are you asking if I want bum sex while t'cameras are here? I'm not saying I will, I'm just saying, asking, if you want to.
No, I was just asking if you'd ever done it.
Have you ever done it? Don't know.
You do know.
Can't remember.
Ah, hark at you, all embarrassed! Well, do you want to have bum sex? No.
Why not? It might hurt.
Do you think it's morally wrong? No, because it's not wrong to be gay.
Didn't say anything about being gay, did I? I said about having bum sex.
That's what they do, though.
Not always.
Some gays just toss off.
No, they have bum sex.
Do you think it's a loving act, this bum sex? I don't know, cos I've never done it.
Oh.
I think my bum's right tiny.
I know.
The next job that I did as Keith's PA was taking him to This Morning, for an interview with Eamonn Holmes.
It was exciting.
Hello! Keith! Have I got time to say hello? Doctor Chris, are you all right? Hello, there! Hey, long time no see! Trophy winner! Yeah.
Supreme.
Won one.
I've got your photos on my phone.
The kids love ya! Oh, nice one.
Nice to see you.
Doctor Chris is a lovely man, but he once told me that he stole one of those charity boxes where it's a child and a little dog.
No.
Outside a shop.
He said he stole one of them.
No, I think you've got confused.
That wouldn't be Doctor Chris.
Little girl with calliper on t'leg.
He said he stole one of them.
This is Rosie, my PA.
Hiya.
And this is Sue, my PR.
Have we got any more letters? He looks like Mike Myers, don't he? Yeah, baby! Look at you, taking it professionally.
Well, it's serious.
Do you want me not to say that you're my girlfriend to people? We don't have to say that, they won't ask.
THIS MORNING THEME I can tell you, there's a lot of people Why am I stood so far away from you? Cos I like it like that.
I'm doing a reality show.
Are you? Called Lemon La Vida Loca.
You're on it right now.
If you don't want to be, we can blur your face.
That's Rosie, my PA.
Hi, Rosie.
Hiya.
God love you, Rosie.
I don't know what they do.
You're both going to need counselling after this.
Why? I only get him or a minute and I need therapy.
She loves it! We did t'news, didn't we? Remember t'news, the potato news? Situation Belfast.
Tell me what the situation is.
You're looking good today, though, Ruth.
Thank you.
You've done well there, Eamonn.
THEME TUNE Good.
It went well.
He remembered everything.
Eamonn, this is my PA, Rosie.
Rosie, are you having an affair with him? That's a yes, then.
She's as guilty as sin, guilty as sin, yeah.
What sort of things do PAs do, then? A PA does Well, they do everything to make sure you don't have to do it.
Transport, travel, ahm ahm Bills.
Yeah.
Matter of fact, they control your life.
An odd oral pleasure here and there, when you're feeling a bit down.
We've talked about this - I'm only joking.
He told me that, it's terrible.
He's filthy off camera, that's where I get it from.
I'm away to do sticky chicken.
Enjoy! See, even the way he said 'sticky'.
Even the way he said 'sticky' was rude.
Stop saying oral to people.
My God! Keith arranged an amazing surprise for me.
Is that a yes? So to say thanks to Rosie for everything, I arranged a special dinner, which cost me through the nose.
Hello? I have a bit of posh in me.
How are you finding it, like, sort of being on telly and stuff? It's weird that people might know my name who I don't know.
Yeah.
Cos my agent weren't sure that I should even have a girlfriend.
Well you have.
I'm gonna smell like shit after I eat this.
I can smell the onion from here.
Maybe we could just not kiss and do other things? That's romantic on our nice meal out.
I'm a bit nervous about these things.
Is it a bollock? What did you order? It's like, erm it's like a kebab inside a bollock.
Kebollock.
Kebollock! Oops! And what do you think? What, about having a girlfriend? Do you think it's changed anything for you? Erm do you think I've changed? You've got a bit better at it.
Cos you'd never really done it properly before, had you? No, just like one-night shags and stuff.
How's your bollocks? My bollocks are nice.
So I'd arranged this lovely meal because we both spoke about how we felt about each other.
Well, she said how she felt about me.
And then I thought, I'm just gonna tell her.
I'm just gonna tell her.
So, shall we get some drinks? Yeah, that'll be good.
Could you like some CHAMPAGNE?! Yeah.
Why are you saying it -? The sun goes down Oh, god.
The stars come out And all that counts Is here and now My universe Will never be the same I'm glad you came Ooooooo Ooo ooo ooo Oh, God.
Oh, my God, they're everywhere.
Ooo ooo ooo Ooo ooo ooo ooo Ooo ooo ooo ooo Oh, my God, they're everywhere.
Ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo Oooooo ooo Keith arranged an amazing surprise for me while we were in the restaurant.
It were really romantic.
Well on me Well on me And I decided you look well on me Well on me So let's go somewhere Ooh, there's more! No-one else can see you and me Oh, my God, it's all of them.
And turn the lights out now Now I take you by the hand Hand you another drink Drink it if you can Can you spend a little time Time is slipping away Away from us, so stay Stay with me, I can make Make you glad you came The sun goes down And the stars come out And all that counts Is here and now My universe will never be the same I'm glad you came I'm glad you came I did all that cos I'm glad you came.
It was so nice.
Thank you.
Are these people not really having their tea, then? I organised this for you.
Oh, yeah, none of them have got food.
They're not real people.
I just thought it would be nice to say, I'm glad you came.
Thanks very much.
Maybe we should just go home and I smash your back doors in.
All right, well, here's a bit more.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Doo doo-doo doo Doo-doo doo doo We don't have to take our clothes off To have a good time Oh no We can get to party All night And drink some cherry wine Uh-huh We don't have to take our clothes off To have a good time Oh no We can dance and party all night And drink some cherry wine Uh-huh Na na na-na-na na O-oh Na-na-na-naaaaaaa Yeah, yeah, yea-a-a-ah Na na na Oh no Na na na na na-na-na Na na Oh, well Very good, very good, yes.
Yes? That was a yes? Yes, what? Er what? For bum sex? Oh, stop asking me in front of people.
It's a yes, though, yes? Yep, yeah.
Yes!! Bum sex!! Thanks, everybody.
Go and sit down.
We'll have a moment, please.
And that's how we do.
Did you do all of that just so I'd have bum sex with you? Yes.
Well, it worked.
Let's go, then.
Don't we need to pay? Yeah.
Can we have t'bill, please? Na na na na na-na-na Na na So we went home and had bum sex.
What did you think? We weren't fussed, really, were we? Don't believe the hype.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
No.
And then we had the biggest night of my life.
Film premiere.
In Leicester Square.
London.
Oh, couldn't believe it, could I? You couldn't.
I couldn't, could I? You couldn't.
You couldn't.
Right now, we're in a hotel in Soho.
Rosie's just getting dressed for the premiere.
I'm celebrating the premiere by getting drunk.
Oooosh! I like to take it all in.
You know, when t'smoke comes out.
Are you nervous? A bit.
Are you? Yeah.
Aw! I've been at a premiere before but not, like, my own.
It's brilliant.
You're brilliant in it and it's really funny.
Everyone's gonna love it so you've got nothing to be nervous about.
I'm a bit agi, as you can imagine.
I've talcum-powdered my arse about three times.
Thank God that Kelly Brook uses talc.
Cos she's right hairy downstairs.
She talcs up.
Otherwise you sweat.
I think Jenny Powell's gonna turn up as well She's not, is she? Yeah, I told them to send her an invite.
Water under the bridge, yeah? You're kidding? Water under t'bridge.
She can apologise for calling her a slut.
Come on, we need to go.
Right, let's go.
Good luck, Keith! Cheers! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
There's Fern! Look at all this.
OK.
Here we go.
Just gonna go out now.
You all right? Yeah.
Kelly as well, please! How was that, then? I couldn't believe it.
Loads of people knew what my name was.
Did they? Yeah, shouting, Rosie! Rosie! That's the TV show, I suppose.
I've gotta go and say hello to everyone, but I wanna say that I love you.
You what? That I love you.
I had a really good time.
Did you? Yeah.
It were really special and romantic.
Told you I'd give you a special romantic time.
Yeah.
That's me.
Special and romantic.
Ohhh.
You're making movies.
Yeah.
I just feel like I've grown and, you know, I think I could, like, be with one person for, like, longer than a night.
I never thought I'd get Fern Cotton out of my mind, but you got Fern Cotton out of my mind.
Hurrah.
And I never think of Holly Willoughby ever.
Not even when I'm by myself and I'm pumping fist.
You can think about her if you want.
Only when I'm pumping fist.
Yeah.
I'll stay here for a bit longer, then.
What, in bed? No, I mean in London together, living together.
Yeah, we can stay in London and live together, yeah.
Yeah.
But not in this house.
Why? Cos I, erm just borrowed it for this programme.
I ain't got six million pounds.
I'm only on ITV2.
What the (BLEEP) you talking about? Do they know that? Yeah, they filmed it, didn't they? I've told everyone we live here! Everyone from up north thinks we live here! I knew you wanted me for my money! When were you gonna tell me? Tell you what? That we're not gonna live here.
I just (BLEEP) told you, didn't I?!