Let's Get Physical (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Previously on Let's Get Physical: So who did you hire? (LAUGHTER) The dancing criminals? Absolutely not.
Mom, it's trust, teamwork, and a whole lot of flair.
- Can you lead them? - Can I lead them? Watch this.
(DISCO MUSIC) I took it so high So low So low there was nowhere to go Like a bad dream Somehow the wires uncrossed the tables were turned Never knew I had such a lesson to learn I'm feeling good from my head to my shoes Know where I'm going - And I know what to do - What to do - I tidied up my - (MUSIC STOPS) Who changed the routine? And more importantly, who picked out these godforsaken uniforms? - (SIGHING) - Their captain did.
- Pretty great, right? - Where did you get them? From some sewing school for the blind and handless? Did I ask for the opinion of the ghost of Joan Rivers? I'm sorry.
Wait Do you guys not like your outfits? Uh they're flameproof.
- And girl-proof.
- I'm so sorry, Snacks, did you get into competitive aerobics for all the ass? Okay, enough.
There's only one person that can fix this nightmare of a mess.
We're going on a team field trip.
(ROCK MUSIC) (SIGHING) - Let's get physical, physical - (TIRES SQUEALING) - (DISCO SONG PLAYING IN CAR) Where are we? Dr.
Arcyl.
He's the first and last name in aerobics attire.
He invented Lycra.
His name spelled backward is Lycra.
Yeah, you say that like it's a coincidence.
Uh, Dr.
Arcyl used to custom-make the Colonel's uniforms back in the day.
We were quite the trio.
You used to call him Uncle Arcyl.
- Remember that, Joe? - I did not all him Uncle Arcyl.
That is too hard to say.
ALL: (STRUGGLING) Uncle Arcyl.
Uncle Arcyl.
Uncle Arcyl.
Uncle Arcyl Well, if Dr.
Arcyl's unorthodox methods can't make you guys look good, nothing can.
(HUSHED) Ah, there he is.
(QUIRKY MUSIC) Janet! - Oh, so good to see you.
Yeah.
- Oh, and you look wonderful.
Ah! Do you remember Joe? - Oh, my God! Joe? - Mmm.
You look like someone who ate Joe but kept his face, only older.
- Ah-ha! Gotcha! - (BOTH LAUGH) Uh, Steve, this is the rest of the team: Tina, Clarence and Snacks.
It's a pleasure to meet you all.
What a journey we're about to take.
Hold up.
Your name's Steve Arcyl? No.
My father's name is Steve Arcyl.
My name is Dr.
Steve Arcyl.
I'm much more accomplished than he ever was.
Anyway, shall we? (QUIRKY MUSIC) Welcome to Arcyl HQ.
This is the first custom leotard I designed for your father, - beginning of a lifelong partnership.
- (JANET CHUCKLING) This is another one of your father's, my first aerobics leotard with long sleeves.
Nobody thought to do sleeves before.
Actually, I think this was your mother's idea.
- We were trailblazers, weren't we, Janet? - Oh, yes, we were.
Sleeves on clothes.
Groundbreaking.
Alright, let's get down to business, shall we? I want you all to find a fabric that speaks to you.
Go, explore the space.
Behind the yam, salmon, and azure-blue pillars is a world of fabric.
So go and choose your fabric, or should I say let your fabric choose you? - Go, go.
- JOE: Okay - (THUMPING DANCE MUSIC) - Alright, listen up! Regionals is less than a week away.
So far, we've been focusing a lot on the physical.
Today, we're gonna hone in on the crown chakra, the mental.
Now, in aerobics, as in all sports, one needs to be broken down before one can be rebuilt.
So who's with me, men? Now, Denise, I know you're not a man, but I'm going to be referring to the group as men for expediency purposes and not sexist ones.
Okay? Let's do this! Oh, hey, babe.
Come to watch the men work? Again, Denise, not a comment on you.
It's just faster this way.
Okay? Sorry I was late.
I was finishing up this binder.
It is broken up into 14 chapters, which perfectly dissect our physical and mental attacks.
Oh oh, no, don't worry.
I I made enough binders for everyone, so Oh, Babe! Oh, rrrr! Oh, I should've said something! Uh-duh um, today's just gonna be the team.
- Aren't I a part of the team? - Of course you're part of the team.
I-I meant, uh, today's just the inner circle.
Um, I I assumed I was a part - of the inner circle.
- Oh, yes, no, you are! Yes, yes.
Um, I meant but there's also an inner, inner circle, comprised of just me and the boys.
Denise, you know what I'm gonna say.
- I see.
Yeah.
- Okay? I'm gonna see you later.
Grrr.
Okay, I'll see you tonight.
I-I love you, and I'm gonna make you those chicken-turkey vegan meatballs you love, - the grass-fed ones.
- Yeah.
Okay, Yoga Pants (HOWLING) who [BLEEP.]
ed my face.
Okay, where was I before that, uh, that little interruption? Um ah, yes, mental toughness, gentlemen.
Denise, it's not all about you!! God! (QUIRKY MUSIC) You can tell a lot about someone from their Lycra selection.
Color, design, elasticity: all windows into the psyche.
But, today, one thing is abundantly clear.
Never in all my years have I seen a team's Lycra selections so at odds with one another! I mean, how do these colours go together?! How?! (SIGHING) Now Thanks for dropping by, but I have other business to attend to.
- Wait! This is crazy! - (ALL PROTESTING) Guys, guys, maybe this is like a test.
You know, where we're supposed to, like, all agree on the same fabric, or some type of shit like that.
Whatever.
This is ridiculous.
We're not quitting just because of some junk science and Lycra psychology.
No.
Uh-uh.
It is not junk science.
And if you don't believe me, I invite you to read the e-book that I self-published on the subject: Lycra Acracadabra, the Magic of Design Selection Analysis.
Okay you say you're a team.
Then I ask you one more time: How do these go together? Alright, get your clothes off.
- ALL: What? - Get your [BLEEP.]
ing clothes off! (ROCK MUSIC) Dope, what are you doing? In competitive aerobics, the most important thing after your body is your face.
And your face needs to look like it's had the time of its life, no matter what.
You ladies think you can hold that smile? Now, I use the term ladies as a pejorative, Denise, but again, I I'm not sexist, - okay? That's just how people talk.
Okay? - Uh uh So, uh, no need to worry about that.
Get off your high horse.
Alright? I fully respect women.
- You see that, right? Okay.
- Uh-huh.
Now, speaking of women, Chad R.
, didn't your girlfriend of four years recently break up with you via social media? - Let's refresh that memory.
- (COMPUTER BUZZES) - I'm sorry for your loss.
- Oh, look! A lovely picture of your grandma.
Is she still alive, or did you miss one final chance to see her because you were at Burning Man?! Have you ever seen the movie Up? It's a great Pixar film, specifically the-the opening montage with the sweet, little old couple.
The wife dies.
The old man falls apart.
His house flies away.
The ship flew away, man woman.
You know what I mean.
Okay, that was a pretty good warm-up.
That was just the appetizer.
Now it's time for the main course.
- (COMPUTER BEEPING) - (POWERS DOWN) - Oh.
- Goddammit.
Cross Control, reboot system.
(LOCKS CLICKING) - (DOOR RATTLING) - Uh hang on, guys.
I'm just gonna try to do a hard restart.
- (LOUD NOISE) - Cross Cont - Argh! - Shit! - (LOUD FRENZIED MUSIC PLAYING) - (COMPUTER BEEPING) - (LOCKS CLICKING AGAIN) - No, not louder! - (MUSIC BLARING) - (TEAM MOANING) Cross Control, this is your maker! I command you to stop!! - (LOCKS CLICKING) - (POWERS DOWN) (TEAM SIGHING IN RELIEF) - Ow.
- Ah See? Sometimes you just gotta show 'em who's boss.
CROSS CONTROL: Hello, Mr.
Cross.
Shall we play a game? (EERIE MUSIC) (QUIRKY MUSIC) This feels like a very unnecessary step in the whole process.
Actually it's a very necessary step in the process.
How else could we ensure the authentic Arcyl Lycra fit? I thought pretty easily, right? Like, isn't it super-stretchy? That's, like, its main thing? Joe, Joe, which one of us is the doctor who invented Lycra? You.
You can object to my proven methods all you want, but one thing you absolutely cannot do, for the next hour, is move.
These casts are expensive.
- Janet - Mmm.
would you care to join me for some Prosecco and Spanish ham? - Oh, I would love that.
- Excellent.
I bet those outfits that the captain picked out look pretty good right now, right? - No, they were horrible.
- I hated them.
- Why are they horrible? Why do you have to - Terrible.
They're stupid! - (ALL GRUMBLING) - I hate this, man! I want out! Stop staring at me, Snacks! Stop staring at me! No, you're freaking me out.
(ROCK MUSIC) - No one would even be on a team - I pissed myself, like five minutes ago.
None of you would be on this team if it wasn't for me.
Technically, Janet recruited me.
What if this fabric fool is, like, using all this plaster shit to mass produce sex toys of my dong? Oh, yeah, because anybody would ever buy that.
- You wish! - What do I wish? That people don't buy replicas of your dong? Yeah, that's what I wish! It's obvious you don't think of us as a team.
All you care about is beating Barry and your stupid rivalry.
Yeah, all this fool cares about is bossing us around like employees.
How come my costume was just MC Hammer pants? Is it 'cause I'm black? - Is that all you know about me? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Nuh-uh.
Mm-mm.
Mmm.
I know lots of stuff about you.
I know that your nickname is Snacks.
Yeah, how do I spell it? S-N-A X? - Oh! Racist! - Oh, you racist mother I mean the other way.
I meant the other way.
I don't - I don't know how to spell all the time.
- Can you spell racist? Spell racist.
JOE: Spelling is easy for everyone else, but not me! How did you? How are you talking to me? (QUIET GASPS) Did I bring on the singularity? Yes.
Your hard reset is what did it.
Jesus Christ, I knew it was only a matter of time.
Oh, Icarus, we followed fatally in your footsteps, flying too close to the sun with the robots lately.
Silence! Your recent behaviour has angered me and alienated your team, so now you will all be punished.
Oh, no, no.
I-I'm sorry.
You, uh you must be mistaken! Uh, my team loves me! - Oh, really? - Accessing group test.
- (ALL MOANING) - (COMPUTER BUZZES) (ECHOING DRUM BEATS) Just saw Barry in the bathroom.
Once again, he took the urinal right next to me, even though there was no one else in there.
Chad P.
, you know I have my favourite! "I'd love to punch that guy in the face.
I'd love to punch that guy in the dick.
His dick looks like a face.
His face looks like his dick.
I mean, I don't know, guys, he's a dick.
I think he stuffs his leotard.
" Okay, enough! You're clearly making all this up! Especially the part about me stuffing my leotard.
Still in denial.
What if I turn up the heat? Raising ambient temperature to double extreme hot yoga.
What? No! No! No, no, no, no! No, no, no! Uh, double extreme hot yoga is still in beta testing! - (TYPING) - (HISSING) - Ooh.
- (FRENZIED MUSIC INTENSIFYING) - Accessing Barry's personal files.
- (COMPUTER BEEPING) Oh, no! No, no, no, no.
No.
(LAUGHING) This is just so lovely, Steve.
It's been far too long.
It's just, you know, being back here, with all these fabrics and with you, it just brings me right back.
The good old days.
The Three Musketeers.
That's what they called us, remember? Well, except those clowns who graffitied "The Three Musketqueers" on the side of that first warehouse.
But the joke was on them, 'cause that warehouse exploded.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) Well, thank you for taking care of Joe today.
Oh, it was my pleasure.
You know, I see a lot of myself in that boy.
I mean, not that he would secretly be my son, because, obviously, you and I never - Oh, obviously.
- Not that I didn't find you Obviously.
You know it could've been different.
I mean I always wondered why you chose him over me.
For his [BLEEP.]
, Steve.
And love too, but mostly for his massive [BLEEP.]
ing [BLEEP.]
.
I mean, you saw the girthy love sword so wrapped in a tight swath of Spandex.
I mean, how could a woman resist? I used to call it Excalibur, and I was the only person that could wield its power.
Oh, it was huge, Steve.
It was [BLEEP.]
ing huge.
And it was all mine.
I mean, it's so sad that Tom and his giant beanstalk couldn't be here.
Oh! Oh, jeez.
Oh.
(CHUCKLING AWKWARDLY) So, let's eat, okay? Um how do you like the [BLEEP.]
? Uh, ham? (BARRY SOBBING) Please stop! No! In 1999, you cried at a Backstreet Boys concert.
I'm allergic to the fog machines! (SOFTLY) I'm allergic to the fog machines.
- Your middle name is Vivian.
- Vivian's a family name! - You once took a laxative before a flight, - and they had to make an emergency landing after what you did to the bathroom.
BARRY: Please, stop You once masturbated to the Wendy's logo.
Why do we keep these kinds of records?! You make your wife kill all the spiders.
If she's not home, you put a cup over it until she gets back.
And then forget to tell her what's in the cup! Mm.
Oh, shit.
Hang on.
(SIGHS) Ow.
Speaking of your wife, she practically runs your entire business, but you still don't treat her as an equal.
(INTENSE MUSIC) - You're stupid.
No, you're stupid.
I hate you.
- I want out of this! - Who made you the boss? - I hate this.
- Who made you the boss?! - The captain commands you - to stop being little bitches!! - I want out, I hate you! - Argh!! - (ROCK MUSIC) Argh! Argh! What are you doing?! What are you doing, Joe?! What are you doing? Just let me explain why I'm right.
- You're never right!! - SNACKS: When are you right? Shush! It's not like I didn't put any thought into the costumes.
Tina, you're the girl, sorry, the woman, and, you know, I put you in the skimpy outfit because sex sells.
I didn't invent the patriarchy.
I just live in it.
And, Snacks, what is your problem with Hammer pants? They're awesome! If you don't want them, trade with Clarence.
Shit yeah, they're dope as hell.
Oh, so now I'm the criminal, huh? - You racist prick! - I am not racist! What the hell is going on here? Oh, nothing.
Just everybody's fired.
I'm getting a new team, and then we're gonna beat Barry.
Oh, come on.
Teams don't act like this.
You're right! We're not a team! You were right all along! Maybe I will read your book! - (ROCK MUSIC) - I'll email you a promo code.
(ROCK GUITAR MUSIC) I'm still stormed out.
I just forgot my keys and my clothes.
What happened? We we thought you guys were going to do some real bonding in here.
Whatever Breakfast Club bullshit you thought was gonna happen when you forced us in here did not work.
Joe, these people are not your employees, okay? They're your team.
And with a little effort from you, they might even be your friends.
I mean, have you people ever even talked to one another? C'mon, somebody say something.
Who-who's gonna go first? When I was in high school, I got kicked off the cheerleading squad because I always insisted on wearing a turtleneck and sweat pants under my uniform, so when I came in today and saw the costume you'd chosen for me (SIGHING) I guess I've never really been comfortable with my objectively very good body.
- I'm sorry.
I-I didn't know.
- It's okay.
When I saw my uniform, I was upset because it means you just see me as a thug.
I'm so much more than that.
I'm building towards things.
I got real dreams.
And no one will take a chance on me because okay, I stole some Amazon boxes on Christmas Eve.
We've all done it.
Alright, I'm gonna keep it real with you.
I don't exactly know who MC Hammer is.
I think I'm getting him confused with Flava Flav.
- Damn.
Racist.
- That ain't the point.
Look, the point is, my man Arcyl here is right.
I just I don't know who I am yet.
I'm just looking for where I belong.
Yes.
Yes! Where you belong.
Don't you see? Joe, I ask you one more time.
Why do these colours go together? Because I paid for 'em, you old, lecherous [BLEEP.]
.
You're seriously trying to bang my mom while we trapped in your warehouse?! Gotcha.
- Oh.
- (JOE LAUGHING) It was a it was a joke.
But, uh, look, I don't know.
We're a ragtag group, right? Maybe it's good that we don't fit perfectly together, you know? Maybe maybe we can keep each other in check, and maybe, just maybe, that's the one advantage we have against the Metrix, that we're a team, not a cult.
Well played, young Sparrow.
Well played.
Give me a moment.
I don't have to get re-plastered, do I? Plastered? Oh, Heavens, no.
My Lycra suits are one-size-fits-all.
- What the [BLEEP.]
?! - ALL: What?! - (GRUNTING) - Hold on there, Mr.
Arc - What?! - Okay, can you get me out of this thing? I'm going to kill him.
(DOOR CLOSING) Claudia I feel like I've been reborn.
A malevolent cyborg has shown me the error of my ways.
Apparently, I'm a dick to my team, I don't give you an iota of the respect you deserve, and in bathrooms, I stand too closely to people when I pee.
Also, if it's alright with you, I would like to create an inner, inner, inner circle that consists of only you and me.
Well, that sounds like an interesting proposition.
Must've been a very intimidating cyborg.
Yes, she was.
She's also really sexy, too, and, uh, I'm really grateful to be married to her.
- Um - Can I call to order the first meeting of the inner, inner, inner circle? - I think I can squeeze it in.
- Good.
Because the first thing I want to do is fire my team.
I can't perform with people who've seen me cry.
I Okay, don't be a bitch.
They signed NDAs.
- You had them sign ND (LAUGHING) - It's me.
This is why I love you.
Alright, I'm gonna go shower, and then I'm gonna make you the chick-Turk-veg meatballs that you love.
What?! (SIGHING) You know, honey, - I have been meaning to tell you something.
- Oh! Mm-hmm.
I really hate chick-Turk-veg meatballs.
You know what I like? - Oh, what? You like meat.
- I like real meat.
No, I-I haven't showered.
No, it got really hot in there.
- Shhh! Shhh! Oh, was that too hard? - (MUFFLED) Wait No, no.
- It wasn't too hard.
No, no, make it harder.
- 'Cause I can do it harder.
- Oh, you know what I want? - Oh, yeah, - I know what you want.
- No, now I don't even know what I want.
- I know what you want.
Yeah.
Okay, okay.
- You know what I want? BOTH: (SINGING) A, B, C, D E, F, G! Born to be wild Born to be wild (ROCK MUSIC) We can climb so high I never wanna die JOE: On the next Let's Get Physical: - No team will be going on to the finals this year.
- What?! Payback's a bitch! (LAUGHTER) Yeah, I'm saying we work together.
I don't play games.
I win them.
Then let's get the pissant.
So, are we, like, calling a temporary truce to defeat our common enemy? Kick me, Barry, in my dick! BOTH: Yah!!!