Life with Boys (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

Yes, Gabriel Foster.
Again.
Yes.
Yes, I certainly will.
Sit.
Wait.
No scratching, pulling or picking.
I just had lunch.
Not a problem, Sylvia.
By the way, I brought Principal Dunkelman the latest Golf World.
I took the liberty of folding over an article that might get that hitch out of his back swing.
I know it's been driving him crazy.
Different day, same pointless dance.
There's always a point to being thoughtful.
By the way, I love what you're doing with your hair.
You tell that husband of yours he's a lucky guy.
Seriously? You're really going there? Sitting, not scratching, pulling or picking.
You are so paying for my dry cleaning bill! Oh, throw it in the washing machine, you little prima donna! Your outfit's a knock-off anyway.
You swore you'd never tell! Oh, look, another Foster, and she's brought a salad on the side.
She threw Don't care, sit.
I was having a great hair day and now, because of you, it's ruined! Well, at least something positive came out of this! I loathe you! I loathe you more! You are never gonna guess what she did! Never gonna guess, and like my good friend Sylvia here Oy.
Never gonna care.
We were in the cafeteria, and she Oh, nice, scarf up all the blue cheese.
Oh, I'm sorry, did you want some? I'll give you all you want! Do it and you'll get a face full of fat-free honey mustard! You wouldn't.
Try me! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop! If you're gonna tell the story, at least tell it right.
There are these two girls in our class, Chloe and Zoey.
Are they cute? Not important.
It's always important.
Focus! Anyway, they've been best friends since kindergarten.
Then, last week in the cafeteria Hey, guys, can I sit with you? We're almost done, but sure, Chloe.
Don't you usually sit with Zoey? We're not really friends anymore.
What happened? No biggy.
She made it into the school play, I made the track team, and she started hanging with the drama geeks and we drifted apart.
Then last week, she said she didn't want to have lunch with me anymore.
That's okay, sometimes things you think will last forever don't! Now what am I supposed to do with a half a rainbow BFF necklace? You don't think that could happen to us, do you? Never! Rainbow tap! Ting! Wanna come over for dinner tonight? I can't.
I've got cheerleading.
How about tomorrow? Wrestling meet.
It's starting! Great, I can't wait to hear what happens next! Really? No.
I wish I'd never met you! I wish I'd never met you first! Rainbow ting this! Rainbow ting this, first! Argh! Arrrrgh! Feels like I'm caught in the middle Drama comes with every new day So far to fall Walking the tightrope But I wouldn't have it any other way We're gonna put one foot in front of the other Get tripped up and step on one another We move ahead and try to keep it on track 'Cause we know we got each other's back Don't need to fight it No need to deny It's a crazy life, a random life A wonderful life Just wait till we get in the principal's office, and I tell him what you did! The only thing I did was graciously agree to go camping with you so that I could share in your interests, and we wouldn't drift apart.
Oh, please, you didn't even try! How can you say that?! I was delightful! This is delightful.
Look, I know this whole "getting back to basics, nature-y stuff" isn't your thing, but we're gonna have so much fun! Heck, yeah! I love camping, yes I do! I love camping, how 'bout you? Too much? Little bit.
So where's the bathroom? Um, see that clump of bushes over there? I have to go in the bushes? Of course not! You have to go behind the bushes.
That's where the boys are digging the hole.
I'm guessing you didn't tell her about that part.
And suddenly, I don't have to go anymore.
Allie! Okay, okay.
I know, if we don't wanna drift apart, we've each gotta open ourselves up to new things.
I was just hoping this first new thing would have a door.
I gotta say, Allie, I didn't think you'd really come along.
You know, with the organic toilet, the bugs, the snakes.
Oh, you might wanna lose that snakeskin vest.
You don't want to get on their bad side.
Hey, it's Uncle Phil! Dad! Okay, okay, I'm kidding! Just, I'm impressed with you.
You know, trying something so far out of your strike zone.
Baseball term, it's a compliment.
Nod and smile.
See, that's my point.
You know, you might not be into the same things Tess is into, but you're still willing to give it a shot.
You guys are totally rockin' the whole opposites thang.
And you're totally rockin' the whole embarrassing dad thang.
Hey, that's my job and I'm darn good at it.
Knuckle me, baby! Only because I love you.
And because I love you, guess what I'm going to do? Take me home? Better! I'm gonna dig you your own hole! Well, Allie, it's done and she's a beauty.
We're talking a "hole" new experience! Don't you just love roughing it? How is this roughing it? Are you kidding? These sheets aren't even Egyptian cotton.
And I purposely left the blow-up Jacuzzi at home.
Right, because that would've been over the line.
Exactly! Ugh! What, I made myself at home! Isn't that what you wanted? I wanted to camp with you, not help you build a day spa for bears with bad cuticles.
Sylvia, please, make it stop.
Sorry, kid, but I just can't resist a good catfight.
It's like the cheesecake in the cafeteria.
I know it's gonna give me gas, but I eat it anyway.
Argh! Okay, fine.
I may have gone a little overboard.
But outside the tent, I was so totally camping.
Oh, please, you would have been voted off Survivor before the first commercial! Ha, I was made for TV.
How'd you guys make out? Oh, nice work, Tess.
Spence.
Way to go, Sam.
Look! He's like a little man.
"Hi, I'm Twiggy! Wood you like to be my friend?" You're so funny.
Dude, it wasn't that It was hilarious! Wait for it.
This whole thing reminds me of a friend I once had.
He was in the chess club, and kept ragging me about joining.
What'd you do? I said no, he called me an idiot and we beat the cra Ahh! anberries! We beat the cranberries out of each other.
Now we're enemies, who don't go around annoying everybody around us by talking out our feelings! I was in your exact same position once.
Had a girlfriend, we drifted apart.
What happened? She died.
But I guess you were hoping for something a little more helpful, weren't you? Well, at least you recognize when you're not being helpful.
Unlike some people.
I tried! What about the fishing? She's forgetting about the fish! Oh, I wish I could forget about the fish! Me too! I had half-price sushi last night.
I haven't cramped like that since childbirth.
Aw, come on, man in the room! Allie, the fish won't know if your lipstick doesn't match your blush.
You don't know that.
I believe looking my best is my way of giving back to nature.
Interesting theory, but I, for one, no longer care how you look, 'cause this hobo has jumped off the Allie train.
Yep, walkin' down the tracks.
Next stop, some other chicks-ville.
Reverse psychology.
Is it working? Yes.
Wait, you were trying to look like an idiot, right? No.
Oh, then no.
Allie, can you please hand me that can of bait? Sure! Ew, it's gone bad.
It's full of worms! Allie, the worms are the bait.
But they're alive.
Ew! Not after you hook them.
Ew-ew-ew! I will not eat a fish with some dead creepy-crawly in its stomach! Look, Allie, we have a rule in this family, okay? You don't fish, you don't eat! Hi, I have a delivery for Allie Brooks.
I beg to differ.
Thank you, keep the change.
You ordered Chinese food?! I didn't have a choice! The pizza place wouldn't deliver out here.
Hello! That's it.
If you just want to make a joke out of this whole thing, then fine.
But I thought you cared about our friendship.
I do! I even ordered you the sweet-n-sour carp! With the little snow peas? Yes! No! You said you would come camping with me so that we wouldn't drift apart, and sweet-n-sour carp isn't camping! Tiffany lamps and talking stick-men isn't camping! You are ruining this for everybody! Right, guys? Huh? Heaven help me, this story is juicier than a winemaker's toes.
Ahhhhh! So, what happened next? Oh, I'll tell you what happened next.
Even though she ruined camping, I took the high road and gave up a week of my life to do some stupid cheerleading thing with her.
Cheerleading is not stupid! Well, it is the way you do it.
Oh, no, she didn't! Tick-tock, Allie.
Sorry, Ms.
Hooper, she'll be here soon, I promise.
I'm a little confused, Coach.
When did we start letting boys try out? Tess is not a boy! Two-four-six-eight! Sorry-I'm-a-little-late! Are you sure about that? What are you doing? Unlike you and camping, I'm actually trying.
School-spirit-I-don't-lack! Ow-I-think-I-hurt-my-back.
You're not even trying! You're still mad because your family liked my campfire dessert more than your stupid roasted marshmallows.
That's because yours drove up in an ice-cream truck! And despite that, I'm still here for you.
In an outfit that makes you look like your bobsled is double-parked! Hey, the wrestling meet ran a little late.
Now back off and let me show my stuff! Ow.
Okay, Foster, you're up.
I wish I had a camera.
Oh, wait, I do.
Use mine, it has more megapixels.
Please don't suck, please don't suck! Ready, okay! Bang-bang choo-choo train! Come on, Wolfpack, do your thang! Nailed it! Take a picture of that! Oh, get over yourself! You did not do 10 backflips.
You're just jealous 'cause I have a higher herky! I admit, you were good at try-outs, but when game time came, you just had to throw a Tessy-fit, didn't you? All right, here we go.
Yeah, way to go, Hernandez! Who says husky kids can't ball? Not that you're fat.
No, sir.
Just a little bulky.
But it's all muscle, kiddo, all muscle.
Come on.
Ready! Okay! How funky is your chicken? How loose is your goose? So come on, all you Wolfpack fans, and shake your caboose! And try to get at least one call, ref! What, is your kid on the other team? Tess! But he totally travelled! He's been doing it all day! Perfect! Why don't you just give him two points, ref? Time-out! Time-out! Foster, what do you think you're doing? I'll tell you what she's doing.
She's totally embarrassing this cheerleading squad! No, she isn't! You are totally embarrassing this cheerleading squad! And it's going to stop.
Girls, get ready for your tumbling routine! Foster, I've got my eyes on you.
Yes, ma'am! Hey, there! Oh, get away from me, Sam.
Don't think of me as Sam.
Think of me as Wolfman.
Wild, strong, powerful! The only powerful thing about you is the stank of that sweat-stained wolf head.
You ought to smell it from in here.
Excuse me, I think I'm gonna be sick.
Guys, we can win this thing! We've got to stop forcing shots! And we are getting killed on the boards, so everybody's gotta box out! Now, let's go! Hands in! One, two, three, Wolfpack! High-five! Maybe later.
Allie, what is Foster doing? Hey, I'm talking to Ew! Look, I'm in a death metal band on the weekend! Yeah, that's right.
Don't you judge me! And you two are off the team! Oh, hey, Chloe.
Um, could I sit with you today? Sure, but don't you usually sit with Allie? We're not really friends anymore.
Hey, Chloe, you wanna sit with me today? She can't! She's sitting with me, right, Chloe? Uhh I miss Zoey! Oh, nice, scarf up all the blue cheese.
Oh, I'm sorry, did you want some? I'll give you all you want! Do it and you'll get a face full of fat-free honey mustard! You wouldn't.
Try me! Oops, missed a spot! Ha, ha! Oh! How you like me now, sista? You didn't! You did not just do that! Not the blue cheese! So, it has come to this.
Two friends whose attempt to get closer together has only pushed them further apart.
It is tragic.
That bran muffin's finally kicked in.
Excuse me.
Okay.
You hate camping.
You hate cheerleading.
The only thing you two have in common is that you're starting to smell like bunny barf.
Guys, face it.
This friendship is over.
Time of death, 2:52.
Now, in memory of your time together, a moment of silence.
A very, very, very long moment of silence.
Fine by me, because I am never speaking to her again.
Fine! Finer! Moment! And go! You just can't do it, can ya? I mean, that's the difference between guys and girls.
We can walk away even when we know it's wrong.
Why? Because if we didn't walk away, we'd have to talk and share our feelings.
And for a guy, nothing is worth that.
For a girl, it is.
I'm sorry I made you go camping.
And I'm sorry I made you cheerlead.
And we're back to talking! Whatever punishment you were gonna give me, I'll double it.
If you want me, I will be in the sweet silence of detention.
So you think if we don't do everything together, we're gonna drift apart? I don't know.
I don't want to.
Me neither.
You wanna talk about it? That's what girls do.
Rainbow tap? Ting! Oh Ugh, ooh.
The heck with it! Come here! Sam, Sam! Hey, Sam, check this out.
Hey, take that off.
No, I can be the Wolfman if I want.
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
It smells really bad in there.
You're not the boss of me! You're right, it does smell really bad.