Lip Sync Battle UK (2016) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Tonight, on Lip Sync Battle, things are about to get a bit crazy as two huge comedy talents go head to head.
Not to mention national pride is at stake as the UK takes on Canada, because it's Team GB's Kayvan Novak (CHEERING) versus Canada's finest, Katherine Ryan! (CHEERING) This is Lip Sync Battle UK! (CHEERING) T REX: 20th-Century Boy Ladies and gentlemen, it's one of only two women who could keep me in check, please make some noise for Mel B! (CHEERING) Welcome to the global phenomenon that is Lip Sync Battle.
(CHEERING) Now, the game is simple.
Two stars lip sync two songs and the audience decide who did it best.
The mikes may be off, but the battle is definitely on.
- Are you lot ready for that? - Sure we are! And here to help me, as always, is the man himself.
He's a veteran rap-battle champion, making him the perfect man to oversee tonight's battle.
Give it up for Professor Green.
(CHEERING) So, do you think it'll be a good one tonight? I do.
We have two brilliant comedians.
I think it'll be a very, very interesting show.
- Comedians are competitive, though.
- They are, and you'll be surprised at how seriously they take this.
And it is Team Canada versus Team GB.
Well, let's welcome tonight's performers.
First up, he started off phone-jacker before becoming face-jacker and if he lip syncs the Rolling Stones' number, he could become Mick Jagger.
Please put your hands together for Kayvan Novak.
Now let's meet his opponent.
She's the funniest thing to come out of Canada since Justin Bieber's hair.
Give it up for Katherine Ryan.
(CHEERING) So, I have to ask Why are you moving away? - Cos she did something.
- What did she do? We find out in nine months.
(LAUGHTER) Are you two both up for the challenge? I'm up for any challenge, Mel B.
(CHEERING) - Are you? - I'm up for any challenge too.
Mel Biatch.
OK, then.
We have to decide who's up first.
And after a mammoth game of rock, paper, scissors backstage, it was decided, Kayvan, it's you.
- No way.
- So, Katherine, take a seat.
What's the song you're lip synching for us? Tonight, I'll be lip synching Roll With It by Oasis.
(CHEERING) Kicking things off with Roll With It by Oasis, give it up for Kayvan Novak.
(CHEERING) You gotta roll with it You gotta take your time You gotta say what you say Don't let anybody get in your way Cos it's all too much for me to take Don't ever stand aside Don't ever be denied You wanna be who you'd be if you're coming with me I think I've got a feeling I've lost inside I think I'm gonna take me away and hide I'm thinking of things that I just can't abide I know the roads down which your life will drive I find the key that lets you slip inside Kiss the girl, she's not behind the door But you know I think I recognise your face But I've never seen you before You gotta roll with it You gotta take your time You gotta say what you say Don't let anybody get in your way Cos it's all too much for me to take That was proper.
You had the stance and everything.
- Oh, yeah.
I like that.
- It felt good? - Got to wind down from it.
- Any more beer? More beer? Here.
Uh, what did you make of that? You know, there's a young, hot, gorgeous audience, and I think a lot of them don't even know who Oasis are.
- Oh.
- (BOOING) That was like my dad when he drinks too much at a family do.
- Your dad sounds like a cool guy.
- He's a great guy, I've heard.
For a Canadian.
- Professor Green? - I thought he had the stance.
He's like that.
Liam always postures himself the same way.
- Cheers, mate.
Cheers.
- The lip synching was good.
That's what we should be looking for.
And he mouthed every word to that very, very well.
Nice, man.
Yeah.
Kayvan, get yourself over to the VIP bar right now.
- Will do.
- (CHEERING) You're next, Katherine.
Come on over here.
So, even though you hinted that was a bit old-school, how are you going to beat that? I'm just gonna do a song that means a lot to me.
It's a British song.
It's my man Tinie Tempah's Pass Out.
It's Pass Out with Katherine Ryan.
Yeah, yeah, we bring the stars out We bring the women and the cars and the cards out Let's have a toast, a celebration, get a glass out And we can do this until we pass out Let it rain, let it pour away, yeah We won't come down Till we hit the ground, yeah, and pass out Yeah, I'm in charge now I'm a star and I brought my fuckin' cast out I live a very, very, very wild lifestyle Heidi and Audrina eat your heart out I used to listen to "you don't wanna bring arms house" I've got so many clothes, I keep some in my aunt's house Disturbing London, baby, we about to branch out Soon I'll be the king like Prince Charles, child Yeah, yeah, and there ain't nobody fresher Semester to semester, ravin' with the freshers 20 light bulbs around my table on my dresser CLC Kompressor, just in case that don't impress her Say hello to Dexter, say hello to uncle Fester Got 'em gazing at my necklace and my crazy sun protectors G-shocks, I got a crazy thumb collection Haters, I can't fuckin' hear your reception Yeah, we bring the stars out We bring the women and the cars and the cards out Let's have a toast, a celebration, get a glass out And we can do this until we pass out Let it rain, let it pour away We won't come down Until we hit the ground and pass out (CHEERING) Go on, girl.
Now, am I right in saying you actually do know Tinie? I do know Tinie and I think he'll be horrified.
- Kayvan, what did you make of that? - I thought it was bullshit.
(LAUGHTER) All together now, three, two, one bullshit.
Professor Green, as a rapper, what did you make of that? I thought it was wicked.
It's a brave choice to pick a rap song, because the words are a lot quicker and you did a very good job.
However, I wondered if there were other British rappers - you may have considered.
- (LAUGHTER) - Yeah.
- This lady, driving me crazy She blows hot and cold like the AC (CHEERING) - There you go.
- That told me.
OK, it's all still to lip sync for.
So stick around as these two pull out all the sexy stops in round two of tonight's Lip Sync Battle! (CHEERING) (CHEERING) Welcome back to Lip Sync Battle.
Now, so far, we've seen Kayvan Novak roll with it.
- And Katherine Ryan pass out.
- We have the second round coming up.
- Are you two both ready? - Born ready.
- Are you ready? - Born, ten years after Kayvan, ready.
(LAUGHTER) It's time for round two.
Will our stars up their game and do whatever it takes to get their hands on the championship belt? - But first up is Katherine.
- (GASPS) So let's see how she prepared for tonight.
Kayvan and I used to go out and it was really difficult for him.
(MOUTHS) 'It just ended really badly.
' Hey, Kayvan, I know your performance tonight will be almost as good as your performance in bed, which was garbage.
I said good luck to Kayvan.
I didn't mean it.
I want to win just out of pure, personal contempt and hatred for Kayvan and his family.
(IMITATES THEME MUSIC) I was on Holby City.
- Sour.
- I want to be very clear.
I hope everyone enjoys watching Lip Sync Battle, but this is not a legitimate skill.
I Wikipedia-ed him so I could find out things about him.
Oh, he's privately educated.
Oh! I'm not particularly nervous about this evening, as I ran out of fucks to give in the spring of '91.
I'm making a prop for my performance.
How do you spell whistle? Like, uh, like, "Kayvan, you're a dick-whistle"? He's going to see the sign and know that he sucks.
(CHEERING) JUSTIN BIEBER: Sorry Bullshit, man.
Bullshit.
You gotta go and get angry at all of my honesty You know I try but I don't do too well with apologies I hope I don't run out of time, could someone call a referee? Cos I just need one more shot at forgiveness I know you know that I made those mistakes maybe once or twice And by once or twice I mean maybe a couple of hundred times So let me, oh, let me redeem, oh, redeem, oh, myself tonight Cos I just need one more shot, second chances Yeah, is it too late now to say sorry? Cos I'm missing more than just your body Oh, is it too late now to say sorry? Yeah, I know-oh-oh that I let you down Is it too late to say I'm sorry now? Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, sorry Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, sorry Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, sorry Yeah, I know that I let you down Is it too late to say I'm sorry now? (CHEERING) Wowzer! That was bloody good.
Come back over here, you.
Um, can we just reiterate what that sign said when you walked out? - Sorry, Kayvan.
- That were bullshit.
(LAUGHTER) - Professor Green? - I'm a keen dancer.
I was just appreciating the choreography.
- I thought the choreography was - We saw you playing with your decks.
(LAUGHTER) I'll say one thing, if I didn't know you to be you, I would have had no idea who was the guest and who was the dancer.
- I thought you did incredible.
- You killed it.
You nailed it.
That's how I like to live my life.
I go to the grocery store this way.
Well, Kayvan, this is what you've got to beat.
- OK.
- But, before we see what he's got planned, let's check out how he got ready for tonight's Lip Sync Battle.
Oh, Lord.
Do I know Katherine? Uh, yes.
Katherine is a regret.
We were at an award ceremony.
I won.
She didn't.
She was, like, "Look, congratulations.
" I was, like, "Your breath stinks.
" She said, "Well, I'm drunk.
" I said, "Well, go scrape your tongue.
" I think any battle's personal, especially this one.
She said, "No-one rejects Katherine Ryan.
" I said "I do.
" And we all let you you get all the air time you can now.
For heaven's sake, you're not that ugly.
You know, you could be good-looking, maybe, from certain angles.
I've been lip-synching for a long time.
I'd say that I'm semi-professional now.
I feel good.
I feel, um hydrated.
It's a very serious business.
It's not just about synching your lips.
It's about moving your hips.
It's about shaking your nips.
Do I think Katherine's funny? I think she's hilarious.
Looking.
She's like the top ten funniest female Canadian comedian ever to appear on QI.
What's he saying about me? I hope I don't win.
Tonight will be a good chance for her to kind of, just, you know, feel the glow of the success that she wants, but hasn't quite attained.
And I guess looking at me is just like twisting the knife a bit.
What can you do? (CHURCH MUSIC) GEORGE MICHAEL: Faith Well, I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body I know not everybody has got a body like you But I've got to think twice before I give my heart away And I know all the games you play because I play them too Oh, but I need some time off from that emotion Time to pick my heart up off the floor Oh, and when that love comes down without devotion Well, it takes a strong man, baby, but I'm showing you the door Cos I gotta have faith I gotta have faith Because I gotta have faith, faith, faith I gotta have faith, faith, faith Baby I know you're asking me to stay Say please, please, please, don't go away You say I'm giving you the blues Maybe You mean every word you say Can't help but think of yesterday And another who tied me down to loverboy rules Before this river becomes an ocean Before you throw my heart back on the floor Oh, oh, baby, I reconsider my foolish notion Well, I need someone to hold me But I'll wait for something more Yes, I've got to have faith I gotta have faith Cos I gotta have faith, faith, faith I gotta have faith, faith, faith (CHEERING) Kayvan, Kayvan, Kayvan, hey! Your flies are undone! I can't even look.
I mean, are these shorts yours - or somebody else's? - Why the shorts? - Why? - Why? Why? Why not? She's wearing shorts.
I wanted shorts.
Well, my dick's bigger than yours, so it comes My dick comes up to there, OK? Professor Green, what is not to love about that performance? It was The shorts.
It was amazing.
It's beautiful.
You look like a Kardashian between waxing sessions.
(LAUGHTER) - I'll give you that one.
- Come over and join us.
Let's get Professor Green's final thoughts on tonight's battle.
It's a tough one tonight.
- Have mercy on me, man.
- Can I look at you lot? Cos, I'm you could have at least shaved your legs.
I know, but I'm a busy single mom.
(LAUGHTER) All right, this is about the shorts, and I'd have to say that Katherine is pulling the shorts off a bit better.
Thank you, Professor Green.
OK, it's judgement time.
So let's see if tonight's title goes to Katherine or Kayvan.
Professor Green, the belt, please.
Audience, you are the judge and the jury.
Is the winner Kayvan Novak or is the winner Katherine Ryan? So, the winner and Lip Sync Battle champion is Katherine! (CHEERING) - Come over here.
- Bullshit! You must be feeling pretty good right now.
I'm feeling great right now.
I knew that I would win.
So, Kayvan, he put up a really good fight.
I enjoyed his performances.
And I will not be taking this belt back to Canada, because I'm now resident of the UK forever! (CHEERING) Give both our stars a huge applause.
They were both incredible.
- Come on, you are incredible.
- You are incredible.
Make sure you join us for our next Lip Sync Battle.
OK, from me, Professor Green, Kayvan and Katherine, good night! T REX: 20th-Century Boy