Little Britain (UK) s01e04 Episode Script

Britain, Britain, Britain! Everybody is welcome in Britain.
We are open nine till six, Monday to Saturday.
No foreign gentlemen, please.
What makes Britain such a wonderful place to visit for an afternoon? Why, it's the people of Britain, and it is these which we'll look at today.
0hhhhh, my sweet Lord! Here we are in the charming Welsh village of Llandewi Breffi, home of committed homosexualist Daffyd Thomas.
# It is a sin # - Morning, Daffyd.
- Good morning, Miss Davies.
I had a phone call from Ruth.
She got terrible morning sickness.
She's not coming in today.
So I'm gonna put you with the new boy, lfan.
Lfan! Your 10 o'clock's here! Do you know, I think lfan might be a gay.
I think that's very unlikely.
I am the only gay in the village.
Hiya! I'm lfan, but all my friends call me Fanny.
Follow me.
Well? Too early to tell.
Come along, now! Take the weight off your lallies.
Put a nice, big skirt around you.
Now, what can we do for you? A nice wash and blow? Would you like that? A blow! Just a light trim, please.
- So, do you go out much? - Not really.
- Is there much of a scene? - Pardon? A scene, dear.
A gay scene.
Cocks and frocks.
No, there is no gay scene in Llandewi Breffi.
Just me.
I am the only gay in the village.
Not any more, dear.
Fanny's in town.
- There you are, loves.
- Oh, ta.
- Well? - (WHISPERS) No signs.
Fanny, love! Forgot your keys.
Thanks.
I am a dizzy cow.
Right, Hinge and Brackett need walking, so I'll see you later.
(WHISPERS) His brother.
At Saint Buddha's hospital in Foulmouth, ropy transvestite Emily Howard is waiting to have an X-ray taken.
Right, sorry to keep you.
So, Eddie Howard Emily Howard.
I'm a lady.
Emily Howard.
Yes.
Right.
What happened? I was disembarking a motor coach when I took a tumble.
You fell off the bus.
I'll do an X-ray of the whole leg.
- If you'd just place this over your testicles.
- Oh, Doctor! You do amuse.
It's not a joke.
It's got lead in it.
It deflects the radiation.
But I'm a lady.
I don't have"testiclés".
Well, perhaps little lady's "testiclés".
Might, er Might this do for me instead? No.
Or Or this? Surely I'm sorry.
You do need to use this.
Well, do you mind if I brighten it up a little with some appliqué and décollage? - Some lace around the edges.
- I don't have time for this.
- But I'm a lady! - I can't give you the X-ray without it.
Do you know, I think I'm feeling rather better.
I don't think I need an X-ray at all.
Aaargh! Shit! This is a pub.
As we all know, the word "pub" is an acronym for "Phillip's Uncle's Boat".
Right.
We'd better get you home, hadn't we? I know.
- Do you need to use the toilet before we go? - No.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Once I've got you in the van, you won't be able to do toilet.
- Yeah, I know.
- If I have to stop, that's a right kerfuffle.
I know.
- Are you sure you don't need the toilet? - Yeah.
I need to go toilet.
Following the success of video libraries, book libraries like this one have sprung up everywhere.
We encourage our patients to take a Saturday job.
It gives them a sense of purpose and a small income.
I've brought you here today because Anne is working here.
Eh! Eh! Ehhh! Hello, Anne.
Thank you.
And how are you today? Ehhhhhhhhh.
As you can see, she blends in very well.
British justice is the best in the world.
Anyone who disagrees is either a gay, a woman or a mental.
Vicky Pollard, you have been charged with shoplifting.
On the 11th of April, it is alleged you went into the Erkskine branch of Superdrug.
Once there, you attempted to steal an eyeliner pencil and a can of Red Bull by concealing them in your leggings.
In the face of the overwhelming evidence we've heard against you, you still plead not guilty? No but, yeah but, what happened was this thing I don't know nothin' about.
Shut up! I wasn't supposed to be near there.
Then Meredith came over and stirred it up and called me these things.
Right but you admit you were in Superdrug? No but, yeah but, no, because of this whole other thing that Meredith says weren't a thing, so don't listen to her 'cause she's a slag.
Meredith? Who is Meredith? The one who done that thing, but if she gives you sweets don't eat 'em 'cause she's dirty.
Thing? What thing? Yeah, I know.
And anyway there was this whole other thing I didn't even know about or nothin'.
Liberty told Wayne Duggan that Jermaine fingered Carly round the back of the ice rink.
I was on the phone to Jules, but don't listen to her.
She had a baby and didn't tell anyone.
Vicky, were you in Superdrug at the time? No! But, yeah but, no but, yeah but no, but, yeah but, no 'cause I wasn't even with Amber.
- Amber? Who's Amber? - Yeah, exactly! I don't even know who she is.
- Vicky, I don't think you realise - No, but there's this other thing, right - If you're found guilty - You can't say that, right - I'm allergic to cat hair.
- Are you going to keep interrupting me?! - No, I'm not.
I'm gonna let you speak.
- Good.
- Now, we've heard from - Oh, my God! Right - I give up! - Craig felt up Amy at Alton Towers.
Her mum totally had an eppy, but then Dean went on the Mary Rose and was sick on Louise's head.
It's Hilary o'clock, and Matthew Waterhouse is looking for work at a kissogram agency.
I wanna be a kissogram! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! We're minicabs, mate.
Kissograms next door.
I wanna be a kissogram! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Well, lovely.
We're always looking for people.
What? Here's one.
George Bernard Shaw-o-gram.
Come in, take me beard off and recite a play.
How about that for starters? - Erm - Got another one.
- John McCarthy-o-gram.
- What happens there? I come in handcuffed to a radiator and discuss my five years as a hostage in the Lebanon.
- Yes.
I don't think there's any market for - Got another one.
Nurse-o-gram.
- Ah, that's more like it.
- I come in, sing "Happy Birthday" and administer a local anaesthetic.
- I don't - Zoo-o-gram.
- What's that? - I come in Bear with me.
- Well? - I told you.
I come in.
There's a bear with me.
Another one.
Lan-o-gram.
I come in and pretend my name is lan.
"Hello, my name is lan," etc.
- Leave.
- Man-o-gram.
I am a man.
- Get out.
- Invisible man-o-gram.
I come in, invisible.
Whoo Whooooooo - Was I invisible then? - No.
- I'm a very busy woman.
- A very busy woman-o-gram.
- Could you leave the room? - Leaving the room-o-gram.
- Right.
Now open the door.
- Opening the door-o-gram.
- Walk out.
- Walking out the door-o-gram.
- And close the door.
- Closing the door-o-gram.
Waiting outside the door-o-gram.
- Hello.
I'd like a minicab, please.
- No, that's next door.
All right! 0ver in Flange, at the Kelsey Grammar School So, Edward the Second divided by Henry the Fifth equals? Anybody? No? Equals hydrogen peroxide.
Question 6.
Determine the square root of Popeye.
Sandra Patterson is so keen for her son to do well in the world of show business that her hair is coming out in clumps.
They're fruity and delicious.
They're fruit-elicious.
Lovely.
OK, thanks very much Raif.
Are we rocking? Have we got the gig? - We'll let you know.
- He does a great Otis the Aardvark.
Do Otis.
- Yeah, we've got a few more people to see.
- Ever seen "The Snowman"? He does that.
- It'll break your bleeding heart.
Go on.
- # We're walking in the air # We're walking in the air # - We are up against it today, so - It's better with his pyjamas on.
We don't really have time, you see.
- It's his birthday.
- No, it isn't.
- Please.
- He's dying.
Look a dying boy in the eye and say "no".
If you must know, it's a "no".
Nothing personal.
We're just looking for something different.
We can change him, have something done.
Look, he's a real talent.
I'm sure he'll do well.
- I'll tell them you touched him.
- Get out.
We know when we're not wanted.
(MOTHER SHOUTS) Don't ever do that again! Watch this.
Hello, Anne.
I'd like to take this book out, please.
Eh! Eh! Ehhh! (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Sorry, guys.
Yeah, I'm just in the library at the moment.
Can I call you back? OK.
Eh, eh, ehhh.
And can you tell me when the Oliver Sacks biography is back in? - Eh, eh, ehhh.
- Thank you.
The health service in Britain is thriving, with three doctors to every one patient.
Marjorie Dawes has gone to see her mother.
Now, the doctor says you've got to go into a home.
I don't want to go into a home.
I just had a fall.
- Morning, morning.
How are we today? - Fine, Doctor.
Look, it's Dr Harman, Mum.
And how is the good doctor today? - Quite well.
Just a bit bunged up.
- Bunged up? Something going round.
Let me know if you want someone to look after you.
We've got the results.
Good news.
No internal haemorrhaging.
You can go home tomorrow.
- Good.
- She'd be better off in a home.
Home? Yeah? Yeah? Home? Yeah? Yeah, put you in a home.
Yeah.
No, she's perfectly capable of looking after herself.
She doesn't know what day it is.
What day is it? - Tuesday.
- There you go.
She thinks it's LAST Tuesday.
Who's the Prime Minster of Belgium? - Well, I don't know.
- See what I have to put up with? Mum? - What's this? - Your nose.
No, it's my finger.
Doctor, she doesn't know if she's coming or going.
- Mrs Dawes - Marjorie.
Marjorie, we only put people in homes when they can't look after themselves.
What if her flat was attacked by a pack of wolves? Doctor, she's very vulnerable.
I'm not going to recommend further care.
She simply doesn't need it.
Bye, Doctor.
Get well soon.
Oh, he's such a flirt.
What are we gonna do with you? You can't come and live with me.
I don't bloody want to.
I'll go back to my flat.
- But I'm renting it out now.
- Who to? Some gays.
I've been on to Social Services.
They've found you a nice place just an hour down the road.
- Maybe I could go and live with Barbara.
- Mum, Barbara hates you.
You should cut her out of the will.
I'm coming back tomorrow.
Is there anything you want? - My dressing gown.
- I've taken that to Oxfam.
- Well, I was halfway through a Maeve Binchy.
- Well, I'm reading that now.
- Well, how about my jewellery? - I'll I'll see you tomorrow, then, Mum.
Cheerio.
Oh, she's a burden.
The fortunes of ex-children's entertainer Des Kaye have taken a tumble recently.
To make ends meet, he has been forced to take a job at DIY Universe in the northern town of Little Tokyo.
Er what's this now? - Nothing.
- I won't tell you again.
You're not on telly.
Take those down and get on with your work.
- Excuse me.
Masking tape? - This man'll help you.
- Excuse me.
Masking tape? - Wicky woo! Des Kaye.
Pleased to meet you.
- Oh, me hand.
- Do you know where the masking tape is? No, I don't.
But I've got a friend who does.
Say hello to Mr Crocodile.
"Top of the morning! Where's me breakfast?" Never mind about your breakfast! This young lad wants to know where the masking tape is.
"But I'm hungry! I want my breakfast!" - I'm so sorry about this.
- Get off me! - Des! - I'm just helping a customer.
Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Whoa-ho-ho-ho! We let Anne make her own way home.
She's earned £5 today.
That's HER money.
She can spend that anywhere she wants.
See you later, Anne.
At TV Centre, the BBC continues to fulfil its charter to educate, entertain, inform and provide work for Patrick Kielty.
Peter, I've got a tape of last night's news.
I wasn't happy with it.
- Really? - Let's have a look, shall we? We'll have more on that later.
Now we go over to our royal correspondent, Peter Andre.
Thank you, Raworth.
I'm standing here outside Highgrove Church, where earlier today the royals were attending their traditional Easter Sunday service.
Textbook.
Prince Charles.
He has magical powers.
Prince Edward, sadly without his wife Griff Rhys Jones.
Prince Andrew, with the young Sarah Ferguson.
I've met him loads of times.
He's really nice.
I really like him.
Hi, A ndrew! Andrew! Nah, he can't hear me.
The Queen there.
She's the main one.
And, light of my life, Princess Royal Anne.
0h, Anne.
Sweet Anne.
# I love you, Anne, and I want you, Anne # Please pull me, Anne, and I'll push you, Anne # Please hurt me, Anne, and bite me, Anne # 'Cause I want you, Anne, in the morning! # Back to the studio.
Erm Peter Problem? It's ten minutes since Andy last ate, and his stomach's already rumbling.
Right, just gonna go and pick up Maria.
Anything you need me to do before I go? Yeah, I want a chocolate.
These chocolates are for when Maria comes round.
I want a chocolate.
All right, you can have one.
Now - Which one do you want? - That one.
- That one? - Yeah.
- That's dark chocolate.
- I know.
- You don't like dark chocolate.
- I know.
You say dark chocolate has a bitter edge and lacks the oral ecstasy of its milkier cousin.
Yeah, I know.
Well, why don't you have the caramel tub, then? You like the caramel tub.
It's caramel.
I want that one.
- They're going back on the shelf now.
- I don't like it.
- I did warn you.
- Can I have another, to take the taste away? You can have another one when Maria gets here, and not before.
See you later.
(DOOR CLOSES) Everyone in Britain loves the opera.
Go to any bus stop or factory floor, and all you hear is "Don Giovanni" this, "Rigoletto" that.
(OPERATIC SINGING) Charles! Charles, what's the matter? Charles! - Charles! - Make way! St Tom's! Coming through! - He just passed out.
- He's in safe hands now.
- Dial 9999.
- I wasn't expecting this on me first day.
Come on, now, Neville.
What do we do? - Check his pulse.
- Not much good.
- Recovery position? - Might be a heart attack.
- I don't know! - Give him a Polo.
- Mint with the hole.
- That's not in the manual.
- No time for that.
There's a man dying here.
- Doesn't seem to be doing anything.
Can't be his heart, then.
Maybe it's a blood clot.
Blood clot, blood clot Let's see.
Got it.
TicTac.
Check he's not allergic.
He hasn't got a tag? - I can't see anything.
- This is a good bit.
I saw this last night.
She doesn't know that the duke is her husband in disguise.
Causes a right brouhahaha.
Right, where were we? Oh, yeah.
Maybe the dose is wrong.
- I think he's had a stroke.
- Then we don't have any choice.
Neville We're gonna have to open the Extra Strong.
A favourite destination for holidaymakers, after Siberia, is Scotland.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Hey, you open for afternoon tea? Oh, maybe I am and maybe I'm not.
- Oh, OK.
- Oh, no, no! I am, I am! Please sit doon.
- Oh, what an adorable little place.
- It smells funny in here.
I'll be back in a moment with the cake trolley.
Here I am with the cake trolley.
- Oh, those look great, Kimberley.
- I want the chocolate cake! OK, honey.
Kimberley has a nut allergy.
Do you know if there are any nuts in it? Ye-e-es.
You mean, "Yes, there are nuts"? Or, "Yes, you know"? - Ye-e-es.
- Well, which? If I tell ye the truth, I'll tell ye a lie.
If ye call me false, I'll also tell ye a lie.
So, does the cake contain nuts? Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts? The carrot cake contains no nuts.
Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts? The lemon drizzle cake contains no nuts.
(TOOTLING) No nuts.
Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts? He wants to speak to you.
Mike Kapalski.
Here we are at the country home of romantic novelist Dame Sally Markham.
I'd love to write a book, but unfortunately I don't have a pen.
His hand passed over the curves of her body, firmly, without desire, but with soft, intimate knowledge.
- End of chapter.
- This is wonderful, Dame Sally.
Yes, it is, rather.
Chapter four.
"As she ran home in the twilight, the world seemed a dream.
"The trees in the park seemed bulging and surging at anchor on the tide" Here in Britain's capital city of Sneddy are the offices of theatrical agent Jeremy Rent.
- Have you got a pen? - There you are.
Dennis Waterman.
At last we've got you a job.
I'm so glad to see you're finally over this silly "write the theme tune" business.
- Oh, no, that's all in the past.
- Well, thank goodness for that.
Well, if that is all, I will be on my way.
Oh, I have just remembered.
Happy birthday! Oh, Dennis! You are naughty.
No, I'm not.
I'm good.
- Thank you.
- It's got great music on it.
- Dennis! - Sorry.
Well, that's very kind of you.
I'm just going to cut the cake now, if you'd like to come in.
Can you pass me the knife, please, Dennis? - Oh, isn't Dennis with you? - I'm right here.
Thank you.
- Make a wish.
- We haven't sung "Happy Birthday".
- Oh, go on, then.
- One, two, three.
- # Happy birthday to you - # If you want to, I'll change the situation # Right people, right time, just the wrong location (IMITATES TROMBONE) # I've got a good idea Doo-doo-doo-doo, just you keep me near # I'll be so good for # Happy birthday, dear Jeremy # I'll be so good for you Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, boo! # - Cake, anybody? - Just a small piece.
There you go.
It's lunchtime at this Chinese restaurant in Ducking Down.
I myself love Chinese food.
My favourite dishes are 14, 29 and 53.
Me and Molly Sugden were friends years before "Are You Being Served?" - Liz - In a minute.
Molly said to me, would I like to be her bridesmaid? - Liz, your food's getting cold.
- In a minute.
- I was delighted.
It was a wonderful day - You said you were just going to the toilet.
I was.
I just got chatting about being Molly Sugden's bridesmaid.
- I'm so sorry about this.
- It was a lovely do.
We had a lovely meal.
They played the Beatles and there was dancing.
- I went to school with Paul McCartney.
- Right.
And the cake - Really? What was he like? - A really nice bloke.
Dead musical, even then.
Always playing the piano.
Lovely singing voice.
- Molly Sugden, whose bridesmaid I was - Did you meet John Lennon? I did, once.
We went round at lunchtime and John was there.
They were jamming.
Beatles aren't going any more.
I said to Molly I love the Beatles.
I've got all their tapes.
I play them in the car.
- Join us.
- Thank you.
No, Clive.
Come away.
- Excuse us.
- He was at school with Paul McCartney.
Yeah, and I was Molly Sugden's bridesmaid.
I don't go on about it.
Get over it! Boring! Have you got a light? Won't be long.
And so this week's journey comes to an end.
If you have enjoyed the programme, you might like to get up and do a dance in honour of it.
Good bile!