Living Biblically (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

My name is Chip.
Life's been knocking me on my butt lately.
My best friend died out of nowhere.
Oh, I'm really gonna miss you, Ray.
And my wife, well - Your girl's pregnant.
- Ah.
I hadn't opened a Bible in 20 years, but it's helped so many, - and I needed help.
- (CHORUS SINGS) I've decided to live my life 100% by the Bible.
To the letter.
(LAUGHS) I get that reaction a lot.
But with the help of my God Squad, I'm becoming a better man, - one verse at a time.
- (BELL DINGS) I am living biblically.
Oh, oh, here I am again.
Ah, the place where my biblical journey began.
Yes, I did leave here as a boy, but now the prodigal son returneth a completely changed man.
All thanks to you, Gracie.
Who the hell are you? I'm Chip.
I bought the Bible here.
You don't remember me? You know how many average-looking white boys I sell books to? Well, what happened? Why are you guys closing? Turns out buying a book online is easier than taking two subways to a store that smells like a sauna full of ham.
Gracie, do you have any Bibles left? I was reading mine in my bathroom, and now my wife won't let it out of the bathroom because of germies.
You know you a grown man, right? So, you a Bible reader, huh? I'm actually living my life 100% by the Bible to get ready for fatherhood, and it's going great.
Couple hiccups.
Does your Bible have any advice for a woman who is losing her job, escaped from a cult and is currently in the witness protection program? I mean, is not currently in the witness protection program? You know, there is a bar that I hang out at with my wife and my priest and my rabbi.
Sir, this sounds like the beginning of a joke I am not going to enjoy.
It's very close, and they actually are-are looking for a new bartender.
Do you have any experience? My dad was an alcoholic.
Terrific, I'll let them know.
(ALARM BEEPING) That guy just stole a book.
Aren't you gonna do something? Hey.
Stop.
Didn't work.
The kid just ran out of there, and I didn't know what to do.
It's like, which Bible rule trumps the other? If I tackle him, I'm not loving thy neighbor, but I would be stopping a thou shalt not steal sitch, so (EXHALES) This is not easy.
You know what else is not easy? Swiping right on Tinder while your friend drones on about the Bible.
(CHUCKLES) Now, do we like Michelle the paralegal? - Huh.
- Or Aunt Laura?! How'd she get in there? Cheryl, this boba tea you brought me? No boba.
If you want to kiss up, get me a boba.
You got it, Ms.
Meadows.
What're you looking at, Chip? This merchandise is not for sale.
I was looking at you 'cause you just stole that stapler.
Oh, get off your high horse.
You steal office supplies all the time.
She's right.
You painted your bathroom with Wite-Out.
Okay, yes, I'll admit it.
I have stolen many things from here over the years.
Including a paper clip chain that I turned into a pretty sweet jump rope, but I am officially done.
"Stealing" is too strong of a word.
It implies we're doing something wrong.
You are.
You're stealing.
It's a normal thing.
People take office supplies.
It's part of the job.
How's eating that doughnut any different than ganking a pen? They're both perks of the job.
It's just like No, those two things are pretty much it.
(SCREAMS) Son of a That's the third time this month.
If this coffee wasn't black, I would swear it was racist.
Mmm.
You see? You know what's happening here, right? You stole, and God just shot a little squirt of wrath on you.
So you think Jesus came back to Earth as a What's this thing called? Professor Java? Well, Cheryl out.
Gonna go get Meadows her precious boba.
Wow.
This office is real lax on the stealing.
I mean, look at this.
The security guard is doing it, for crying out loud.
Excuse me? I am a fully licensed security guard, and I put my money in the machine, at which point my salsa-flavored SunChips refused to fall.
Oh, I-I-I didn't I didn't think you I didn't think you could hear me.
In the future, let's leave the theft prevention to the theft prevention professionals, shall we? Yes, sir.
Oh, but you-you forgot your SunChips.
I lost my appetite.
(SIGHS) - Hi.
- Oh, yes, food.
(CHUCKLES) Also, yes, wife.
Hey.
Hi.
Uh, how was, uh, physician's assistant-ing today? Oh, fantastic.
I did everything a doctor does for half the pay and none of the respect.
(LAUGHS) I picked up a brand-new Bible, so, as requested, my bathroom Bible will stay in the bathroom.
Along with my bathroom pretzels.
Throw those away.
Hey, um, I was thinking after dinner, maybe you and I can Oh, hello.
I like where this is going.
Go on.
I was gonna say watch Game of Thrones.
That's not what I was thinking, but, hey, I get to see boobs either way, so Yeah.
Oh.
Although Oh.
This is gonna be a Bible thing, isn't it? (GROANS) Well, yeah.
Ugh.
Because we didn't pay for that channel, remember? I just slipped the cable guy $50 to hook us up with the primos.
- Right, so we paid for it.
- (SIGHS) Yeah, but we didn't pay the cable company.
We just paid some guy named Babadook.
Babe, Game of Thrones is our show.
It's the only one that we watch together.
Yeah, but that's only because you refuse to watch any of the Housewives.
All they do is eat brunch and yell.
Why don't we just, um, pony up for the primos? We decided not to when we mapped out our budget, remember? So we could save up for baby Shaquille.
We're not naming our baby Shaquille.
Why don't you give up your daily Starbucks lattes? But they wake me up like a delicious alarm.
You could give up your fancy cheeses.
I'm pregnant.
I can't drink.
Cheese is all I have left.
Well, you have me.
You're not cheese, Chip.
You're just a man.
Look, Chip, this is a very serious issue, and, um, well, I feel I need to be as clear as I possibly can be here.
Game of Thrones is appointment television.
Yes.
(SIGHS) You know, it-it's a good show.
I just wish all the characters had name tags.
Oh, no, you-you got to read all the books.
That's what really helped me.
Yeah.
Probably not gonna do that.
I already have a long book with a lot of characters in my life.
CHIP: Okay.
But if-if we're not paying for the channels, then we are stealing, right? Sure as the Baratheons stole the Iron Throne from the Targaryens! Been watching for seven seasons.
Don't know who any of those people are.
This is on me for the job hookup.
Oh.
I accidentally dropped a buffalo wing in it.
You can either see it as a problem or a future treat.
- Gracie, this is my wife Leslie.
- Hi.
And these are my spiritual advisors Father Gene, Rabbi Gil.
Oh, good.
More average-looking dudes.
- Average? - Not bad! Hey, hey.
Okay, so if under-the-table cable is stealing, what about when Chip moves down to better seats at a Mets game? Mm.
Sat next to Pat Sajak one time.
He was actually wearing a Wheel of Fortune T-shirt.
It's like, "Come on, we get it, Pat" - (LAUGHS) - GIL: See? To me, that's not stealing.
I mean, you bought a ticket, right? Somebody paid for those seats.
In my mind, you are safe.
You bought specific seats for the game.
If you're sitting in more expensive ones ah, it sounds a little steal-y to me.
Oh, man.
I have been stealing a lot more than I thought.
What do I do? It's a real quandary.
Oh, wait.
No, it's not.
Stop stealing! Hey, you know, in the shower, I was thinking about some of those Bible verses Father Gene sent me.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Sounded to me like you were singing Selena Gomez.
(LAUGHS) It was actually Demi Lovato.
How embarrassing for you.
Okay.
Ezekiel 33:15.
"If a wicked man restores a pledge and pays back what he has taken by robbery, none of the sins that he has committed shall be remembered against him.
" Huh? Bye-bye, sins.
So, I have made a decision.
I am going to return everything I have ever stolen.
It's all going back.
Can I get Gene's info? He needs to stop e-mailing you.
Okay.
These scissors, definitely stole those.
This ream of paper.
This ream of paper.
This ream of paper.
Ah, oh, honey, remember this? Of course.
From the night we first met.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Spilled my beer all over myself because some wasted chick with lipstick on her teeth bumped into me.
- Hey, I was buzzed at best.
- (CHUCKLES) And you bumped into me.
Oh, it doesn't matter who bumped into who.
It was the night that changed my life.
And you bumped into me.
Either way, I love that you took this mug as a memento.
It shows that you knew that I was the one from the very beginning.
I sure did.
- We'll always have that magical night.
- Mmm.
But, unfortunately, we won't have the mug because I stole it from the bar and it's going back.
Well, well, well.
What's going on here? I am just returning some office supplies.
Mm-hmm.
So you came to work, an hour early, with a hefty bag, so that you could return office supplies? You must think I was born yesterday.
I don't think you were born yesterday.
Well, I was.
Yesterday was my birthday.
Oh.
And I didn't see your name on the card.
Yes.
Okay, look, I realize this looks suspicious, but I'm actually living by the Bible.
I'm sure you've read my column.
I have not.
Well, I mean, maybe you will in the future.
I will not.
(CLEARS THROAT) Okay, yes, it is true that I stole this stuff before, but now, because of the Bible, I am bringing it all back.
Huh? Any chance that you could not tell my boss about this? Sir, I cannot wait to tell your boss about this.
It'll be a nice little birthday gift for myself.
Who the hell returns stolen office supplies? You got 'em home.
You won.
Look, I was trying to do the right thing, all right? What did I get for it? A spirited pat-down by two giant, wet, salsa hands.
I don't know why I'm the one getting busted when I'm trying to be an example for all of you kleptos.
- (HISSING) - (GROANS) Oh, oh, oh, you got judgey, and Professor Java Jesus has a little wrath left for you too, buddy.
Okay, people, listen up.
I just had a very interesting discussion with Warren here.
Did y'all wish him happy birthday, by the way? - ALL: Yes.
- Of course you did.
It's Warren.
He's the best.
(LAUGHS) Apparently, this morning, at the butt-crack of dawn, a thief by the name of Chip If that is his real name.
MEADOWS: broke in and stole a staggering amount of office supplies.
I was returning them.
Look, Ms.
Meadows, can I just read you Ezekiel 33:15? You read me one word from that Bible, Chip, and I will smack you with it.
She'll do it.
She hit me with a thesaurus last week.
What? It was very upsetting.
Also disquieting and disconcerting.
Chip, you are officially on probation.
If you can't write your column without disrupting the entire office, I will find someone who can.
Oh, respectfully declined.
Conflict of interest for me, as I am Wiccan.
Anyone getting caught taking supplies will be fired, so, don't take (WHISPERS LOUDLY): anything! What? What are you all so upset about? You'll be better people now.
Not hearing a lot of "thank yous.
" Oh, you're gonna hear "something yous" in a minute.
And it ain't gonna be "thank.
" It's gonna start with an "F.
" Yeah, I got it, Cheryl.
But I am trying to do the right thing, which is why I am bringing the mug back.
One to ten, how pissed is your wife? Let's just say that I lost my spot in bed to a wheel of Gouda.
- That doesn't sound too Gouda to me.
- No.
Take this stupid mug back to her.
I don't care.
Well, I'll tell you who does care, Gracie: God.
You see, in the Bible, Ezekiel Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We're not doing this.
- Hey, Chip.
- There they are.
Yeah, sorry about the sweats.
We were at our fantasy football draft.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
You guys wear sweats to your fantasy football draft? - It was up a lot of stairs.
- Ah.
Your boy God's "thou shalt not steal" bit is making me real unpopular.
Listen, Chip, I mean, ma-maybe the reason people are so upset is because in trying to live your life by the Bible, you keep futzing with theirs.
I felt extremely futzed with.
I mean, I-I guess some people could see it that way.
Well, like Leslie and I guess Vince.
And everybody else that I know.
Oh, man.
I'm a Bible pusher, aren't I? - Yeah.
Pretty much.
- (SIGHS) The Bible's a very personal thing to people, Chip.
Like, uh, their politics or their choice in laundry detergent.
And everyone has to choose for themselves how strictly they want to live by it.
If, you know, at all.
Okay.
All right, so I've been forcing people to use Tide, when I should be respecting the fact that some people want to use Bounce.
Bounce is a fabric softener but I understand what you're going for.
Yeah.
All right.
Thanks, guys.
I know what I need to do.
You do? From the detergent thing? Good morning, treasured coworkers.
Would anybody like to guess what's in this bag? Is it a urinal cake you stole back in 2012? It is a shiny new coffee maker.
Huh? Now, I know that stealing office supplies was one of the few perks, and I kind of messed that up for you guys.
So, I replaced it with a new perk.
All right.
Okay, I'll be happy to see - Americano Sniper over there go.
- Yes.
(CHUCKLES) Now, just because I am living by the Bible doesn't give me the right to push my beliefs onto you guys.
I'm sorry.
We all good now? - MEADOWS: Chip.
- Yo.
- Can I see you in my office, please? - Sure.
Maybe a promotion? MEADOWS: It's not.
Here's the deal: The office is a very delicate ecosystem, and any disturbance of that system can throw things out of whack.
You are a disturbance.
Well, I admit I was a little annoying, but isn't it a good thing that people aren't stealing anymore? Taking things from this dump makes people feel good.
It-It's like a release valve for negative feelings about the office and, more importantly, about me.
Chip, I love your column.
But I won't have my workplace messed up by your Bible quest.
Hold it.
Idea for Christian board game: "Bible Quest.
" We have to fix it.
W-Well, I guess the only thing to do is to reopen the release valve and let them take stuff, but I can't be a part of it.
Oh, sweet Chippy.
Eh, it must be so nice living in your Bible bubble.
Idea for Christian chewing gum: "Bible Bubble.
" (SIGHS) - Hey, babe.
- Hey, Chip.
What'd you do today? Give away any other mementos of our love? Did you flush my wedding dress down the toilet? Okay, I know that you're ticked at me, and you should be.
But I have a surprise for you.
Ta-da.
Oh.
You got it back? Yeah.
Gracie sold it to me for 40 bucks.
Wow.
That's high.
What'd you do? Tell her that your marriage depended on getting it back? Those are the exact words that I used.
Look, come here.
I am so sorry about everything.
I don't want my following the Bible to get in the way of our life together.
Mm-hmm.
Or a certain program involving giants and battles.
And siblings who bang? And siblings who bang.
(CHUCKLES) That's right.
Daddy sprung for the primos.
Ooh.
Uh, what about our budget? Well, no more Starbucks for me.
I'm happy to give up my lattes if it makes the woman I love happy.
But Chip, there's one problem.
You're paying for the cable, but you're stealing something else.
Oh, no.
What? My heart.
(LAUGHS) (SIGHS) Bible, baby.
(LAUGHS) All right, everyone, I just received a new shipment of sweet, sweet office supplies, which I have opened, and I am very irresponsibly leaving on the table right here.
I have also let Warren take the morning off to have a birthday brunch with his wife.
Oh, love her.
But let me reiterate what I said before.
Don't steal anything.
Uh, did she just wink us the okay to steal stuff? Or did the huge wink at the end mean the previous winks weren't serious? No.
She's saying it's okay, guys.
Sorry, that was just a bad time to get something in my eye.
You got anything to say about this? No.
I'm done preaching to you.
When I'm in Heaven, I'll just let St.
Peter know you're my plus-one.
(CHUCKLES) Heaven? I got highlighters in every color of the rainbow, my friend.
I'm already there.