LOL: Last One Laughing Germany (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

1
You're dropping like flies now.
Yes.
-What happened?
-Let's see?
Look, here's the evidence.
No, the boys?
-Torsten?
-No!
You're reduced
to your basest self and you think,
"Let it be someone else."
Maybe someone grinned
more widely than you.
But it was me. That's not nice.
Okay, I accept it.
Sometimes you lose control
over facial expressions
that could be considered laughter
without noticing.
Maybe I just smiled back at someone.
Time to play your trump cards!
Oh, what's up with Caro?
Watch out, Carolin has prepared something.
-When did you start making music?
-I don't.
Upcoming control, watch out!
You live in Wuppertal, right?
Also wrong. What
-Nothing is true?
-Are you Illuminati?
Isn't it Illuminites?
It's Illaminates,
they secretly install floors.
Right.
Gosh! All right.
Right, you all know
that I'm not only a comedian
but that I also take a feminist approach
to everything I do.
The German language
doesn't have
a proper word
for female masturbation.
We only have "masturbation."
We have the five-knuckle shuffle,
beating one's meat, et cetera.
Thus, I have some proposals
that could be used
for female masturbation.
I would like to ask you
to add them to your vocabulary.
"Cleaning the sausage compartment."
Yes.
"Five against Venus."
Oh, God.
"Playing the G-string."
-Cute.
-Yes.
"Brushing the Mona Lisa."
"Putting the finger in the fig."
"Grinding the diamond."
"Making the oyster sing."
"Vexing the pope."
That was hard.
That was a tough list.
"Vagina morgulis."
Ah, very nice.
"Polish the baby door."
I have to say they were good.
I had to keep myself together,
especially because Teddy
commented to everything. "Yes. I see."
Yes. Very nice.
That's good.
"Ah, is that so? Yeah? Really? Cool."
"Rapunzeling out one's castle."
"Sliding the peep up the poop."
-Who?
-Peep up the poop!
"Beaming one up."
"Tickling the mussel."
"Parking in the snail's shell."
"Parking in the snail's shell"?
Yes.
I don't know what goes on in Caro's head.
I don't think anyone does, not even her.
"Ironing out the creases."
"Christening a muffin."
"Making tabby-tabby."
I'd be out at "tabby-tabby."
"Shmushing a shminger up the shmithy."
"Greteling the Hansel."
That's it.
Bravo!
-Bravo!
-Very good.
I was wondering what it would
sound like if read by Karl Dall.
Right, "Cleaning
the sausage compartment." Yes.
That jerk
Reading it all out as Karl Dall.
Oh, God.
"Five against" What was that?
"Five against Venus." Hmm.
Or "Playing the G-string!"
So I looked away thinking,
"If you look away, you won't laugh."
That made it worse,
only hearing the voice.
"Putting a finger in the fig."
"Making the oyster sing."
"Vexing the pope." This isn't working.
-Bravo!
-I'm going to have a go.
"Brushing the
"Mona Lisa!"
"Brushing the Mona Lisa!"
"Playing the G-string."
"Grinding"
"Grinding the"
"Grinding the diamond."
I can't The font just isn't big enough.
It's in cursive.
-Sure.
-Yes.
From what I understand And we also
We also had sex ed during Social Studies.
Social Studies classes.
And that's metaphur.
-For
-What? A what?
-A metaphur. -Of course.
A metaphur for when the party's on.
-I only know, "Watch the meteor."
-It can also be nice for a woman.
When the party is really on.
-Yes.
-And then you can park in the snail shell.
I didn't get the Mona Lisa.
Don't egg her on.
That is the woman standing there naked.
She stands in a shell.
It's a piece of art.
-Mona Lisa is standing in a shell?
-They moved her recently.
Mona Lisa was moved on Tuesday.
-Wednesday.
-Monday evening.
It's about us women sticking together.
Thanks, sister.
Here it comes!
We kept getting more loose
and became more of a group,
a bit like an improv show.
That was very relieving. Really.
What's wrong with them?
Bravo!
When it's so funny and you can't laugh,
it's just a shame.
I didn't understand
the one about Mona Lisa.
-I didn't
-Brushing with your finger around it.
What's going on?
Now?
-Maybe the guys in the back?
-Me?
-You?
-I don't notice when I laugh.
Yes, you forget, right?
Eventually, you forget not to laugh.
It's been quite
-Yes, I know.
-We're past the breaking point.
I don't know who I am.
Let's just have a look.
-What?
-Max? No!
No, here he is!
No, Boning!
You're getting stricter!
I know. I noticed.
And then I tried to restrain myself,
but it was too late.
I was extremely annoyed
because I wanted to stay longer.
But it was my own fault,
I lost my concentration.
You really need to be hard on yourself.
-Are you coming?
-What else can I do? Frustrating.
You already lost one?
-Yes. Here.
-No!
Come on.
But you had a good run, Wigald.
-Really.
-Yes, thank you.
I am disappointed.
It's one of the most exciting
human experiments I have experienced.
I'd like to have stayed in longer.
Let's surprise them.
In between,
I always thought
When people had to leave,
I thought to myself,
"Buddy, I think you have good cards."
But then I immediately thought, well,
there are also a few more left. Careful.
Who wrote that song Shalalala?
Shalalala? The Ding Dongs.
Sounds like the Jurassic Park theme.
Not anymore.
I think it will scar me for life.
Two more
Victorian insane asylums
must have been similar.
Then the Neanderthal came.
Thankfully, there was also
a sense of panic,
because I figure he doesn't follow rules.
He could just
bash our heads in if he likes.
I thought it's best to stay active.
That way you avoid
Do something, keep yourself busy.
Don't get passive
because you'll have to laugh sooner.
So go to the back, put something on,
come back, but keep yourself busy.
Shut your gob, you swine!
It's about time I bash your face in!
The worst moment of all was
when Klaus Kinski appeared out of nowhere,
-hopping mad.
-You swine!
You better watch it!
Can you believe that?
You just barge right in here
and behave like a
Kiss my ass!
That almost killed me.
He broke the couch.
I don't know if anyone noticed,
but it broke and went lopsided.
Anke, your ex wants to talk to you.
He's still angry.
I'm deaf in that ear!
My God, what a sublimely horrible moment.
It's outrageous!
You stupid swine!
Klaus, you should say something.
Klaus, please explain.
I mean, I didn't understand it, either.
It's like a Stephen King novel.
I have to escape the situation,
but I can't go anywhere.
The most famous actor will now
perform the most famous
stand-up of all time.
-Yes.
-I'm already losing it.
Okay.
When you have a girlfriend,
you can't find stuff.
Nothing.
They put everything away, right?
I had a TV
in my bedroom
with a remote control, right?
But now, the remote control is gone.
Gone, just gone!
You hear me?
Nowhere to be found. Just gone!
Do you know where women leave the remote?
On the television!
Stupid broads! Stupid bloody broads!
-You're interrupting! You hear me?
-Sorry.
-Do you want to do this?
-No.
Can you do it better than me?
Never.
Then shut your mouth.
Where was I?
-Remote control
-Yes, I know. Thank you.
Try to turn on the TV. It won't go on.
That stupid cow
turned the power button off!
The power button!
She said it uses too much power.
But blow-drying hair
for six hours, that's fine!
No, not six.
-I don't have enough hair.
-That's a blunt lie.
Can't you understand
when someone's doing stand-up
you just shut your mouth?
It's just a lie.
Can't you imagine?
Then let me hammer it
into your brains
with this microphone!
Hello!
You can't be that stupid!
But she didn't just turn the power off.
She pulled the cord, too,
and removed the main fuse.
Why in the name of God
would you do that, stupid,
taking out the main fuse, too?
"There was a thunderstorm."
I don't give a damn!
What if there's lightning?
Lightning? What if lightning strikes?
Lightning?
I don't even get visited
by Jehovah's Witnesses!
Why would bloody lightning strike?
You stupid swine!
It's humor when it hurts.
-I think I get it.
-Shut your face.
You may quote me on that.
You bunch of idiots.
That was
Shit!
I have to be honest.
That Kinski would be a killer
For me, right?
I knew in advance.
You got one.
We'll see in the video evidence.
No!
-Oh, wait.
-Watch it.
-Mirco, are you shocked?
-Yes.
-But he's good.
-He's brilliant.
-So are you.
-Yes, but
-Nothing you can do.
-Klaus Kinski is a killer.
That's good as it gets.
Come on, Mirco.
May I come with you?
Sure, come.
Yes. Pity.
With people this good,
it really hurts to take them out,
but that's the game. Let's go on.
Do you want peace and quiet?
I'll read to you.
It's really tough.
It's extremely entertaining.
But it's no fun.
You know you don't have to.
We can also just chill for a bit.
I laugh very quickly
at long texts with a twist at the end.
That often throws me off.
Anything can happen.
I find it funny myself. It'll be hard.
I would like
to use this opportunity to present
an underappreciated artifact.
This painting has been part
of traveling exhibitions since 1922,
Dogs Playing Pool.
This painting by Steve Maria Peitzmeier
was made in oil.
Not the painting, Peitzmeier stood
in corn oil up to his thighs.
Most know him from works like
Tapirs Fixing a Blast Furnace
from 1908.
And, of course, from
The Easter Bunny Licks His Eggs
So The Paint Will Stick.
I will be like a rock.
Everything will bounce off of me.
Let's take a look
at this late period piece
that is Dogs Playing Pool.
What we see
are dogs playing pool.
With someone like Torsten
who's really funny when he talks,
you have to try not to listen too well.
So don't focus,
but start thinking of something else.
You should imagine people naked.
But in this round,
that might actually make you laugh.
No windows, the light is dim.
In the next room, laminate is being
put in with bare paws.
A local service not subject to tax,
done by a stout carnivore
who is incredibly fast,
which is no surprise,
as he's pugnacious.
The interesting part is
what you don't see.
All he wanted was to portray
one species imitating another.
That's why on the back side of
Dogs Playing Pool
there is another one.
The actual painting.
Professional, human pool players
are depicted frolicking about,
fetching sticks
and gazing into the distance
while shitting on grass.
Nearby, a Doberman looks at his watch.
Max is suffering.
If you would like to take
a look at the original,
Dogs Playing Pool will be
at Cologne's Mustard Museum
until Pentecost 2023.
It's worth a visit, especially if you
are interested in mustard.
Thank you.
I'll leave this here.
Or I'll roll it up. I'll put it away.
I didn't know you can do
cultural things here, too.
-That's why I brought
-Nonsense.
I only brought fart jokes.
I would have had political jokes.
And cultural things, too.
Yes, obviously.
Guys, I'm having so much fun.
What a pity it only lasts 6 hours.
Not being allowed to laugh
was much harder
than I had expected.
It's so hard.
Is that an act?
-What?
-Is that an act?
-We're doing an act.
-We are, yes.
I'm going to
You just did one.
Torsten and I are doing an act together.
Do you think that's dumb?
Not that I prepared anything, but sure.
I can't wait!
Should we prepare something?
Yes, we just need a chair
for Torsten to sit in.
-What are they up to?
-Maybe this one?
Carry it.
I think I would
-Great.
-That's it.
You get all the points.
You get all the points for
Oh, I can't. My back
It's just a dress to zip up.
Good job. Turn around.
Wish I could help.
Good job. Okay. Yes.
Put it down.
Carolin said,
"Torsten, you can read something."
I thought, "Why would I?"
That's like saying, "You'll get candy
for playing Russian roulette."
Anyone with some common sense
would refuse.
Cool.
-May I help you?
-Yes.
There's a rod in here, is that correct?
That's just a Right.
-Excuse me.
-Yes.
I helped her into that dress
and asked, "What's this rod for?"
She said, "It's just there."
I just thought it's a costume
you can hang from the ceiling in.
A flying dress, you see?
It's a bit of a rough job,
but now it's okay.
It's probably uncomfortable.
-Perfect.
-Okay.
Right, you still need a story.
Why is that rod in there?
I have no idea.
Thank you.
-Awesome.
-So
That's very close.
Don't try to be funny now.
Come on, guys.
For no reason,
they all sat two inches away.
As if that would bother me.
"Hasidooble and Plemoodle."
That's the title,
the story itself
has nothing to do with it.
"It's actually about a princess.
The princess
"of Gönningen.
"Also known as the ugliest girl
in the world.
"Her name was Gunther.
"Princess Gunther grew up very sheltered.
"People around her were
very friendly to each other.
"There were no assholes.
"I don't mean a character flaw
"but to a genetic defect
in the pubic region,
"which affected many families."
"Which had affected," my mistake.
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
"Yes, Princess Gunther liked to
"scamper about
in the meadows of Gönningen.
"Gunther bathed in the sunshine
all day long,
"ate berries and cake,
swam in the lake, lay on the lawn
"until the sun dried her.
"Life couldn't have been better.
"Well, except for the sunstroke
Gunther had caught.
"Exhausted, she dragged herself
to her chambers.
"Sick as a dog.
"Her head was spinning.
"Did she have to throw up?
"The end."
And then she vomits.
And you feel this heat
and a drizzle.
You hear something hit a pane.
Then I thought,
"This can't be happening."
I got some puke on me. That was so nice.
-Refreshing.
-No.
But when you watch your favorite artist
and they vomit on you
When does that happen?
-That's true.
-So, for that
Bravo.
It's on your neck.
That's a little detail she kept from me.
I thought I'd get them.
I should've done it sooner.
I could have knocked five of them out.
That was a really nice act. I liked it.
-Beautiful.
-Thank you.
Bravo!
What was that?
I don't want to know.
-Vomit.
-Okay, cool.
I'll clean up a bit.
Is it wet? I think it's dry.
Magical puke.
Magical puke?
-Is that the shirt I Okay.
-Yes.
My size.
So wear it.
So that's what happened to my spaghetti?
-Sorry.
-All gone.
That was intense puking.
No idea whose shirt this is,
mine is full of vomit.
-That is totally you, Torsten. Really.
-Wow!
That is you.
I always wondered why on stage
That's you!
Who did I take it from? I apologize.
Maybe Jürgen von der Lippe cancelled.
He left his shirt here.
I'm a little fluffy hare.
I fell into a fairy tale.
That's just too hilarious.
That's awful. That's really messed up.
What have I gotten myself into?
At some point, I realized
this will be really hard.
Don't make a joke of it, Teddy!
Don't make it a joke
I'm scared.
But I'm driven.
Laugh! Just laugh already!
I may have lost it there.
Anyone who would have won deserved it.