Lopez (2016) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Hey, boss.
Water lovers.
The fuzzy one with many flavors.
Man, that's the same guy that got jumped into a gang.
I'll get the door.
George.
Hey, I had a two-ton air conditioning unit delivered to my house last night.
Crane dropped it right in my driveway.
- You seen it? - I don't Oh, man, come on.
What do you think? Do you think I got your two-ton unit - stashed in my living room? - No, but I was thinking maybe you heard something, saw something.
It's cold in there, isn't it? It's cold.
Ooh, sweater weather.
- You're wearing a jacket.
- You checked over there? Right over hey! (upbeat Latin music) ( ) Oh, man.
That dude Stephen, that guy's been up my ass since I moved in.
When I got Benny, he put up those new pooping zone signs all over his scraggly ass yard.
Well, you did train Benny to only go there.
- Yeah, that's (chuckles) - Maybe you got off on the wrong foot.
Maybe he doesn't like that my Mexican feet - are in this neighborhood.
- Stephen likes me.
He even gave me a bunch of his old sweaters.
He thinks you're the help.
He also gives me his bottles and cans.
Okay, I will admit that there aren't very many minorities Well, non-Persian minorities in Beverly Hills, but that is even more reason for you to reach out to them.
- Let them get to know you.
- Well, how would I do that? We throw a party.
Invite everyone over for a meet and greet.
If they know you, they will love you.
I don't know about that.
Dad's anti-social.
I don't think that's true.
No, that's true; I am.
I don't like parties, especially my own, because then people come over, right? Then they get together in groups, and they talk.
Then they want to eat.
Then they want to drink.
- Then they touch my stuff.
- Tell her about Dean Martin.
Oh, okay.
You know who Dean Martin is? You know, the guy with the arrow through his head? I'm gonna go wash the truck.
I'll be back.
And I'll stop, and I'll grab some fruit waters too.
Okay, Dean Martin loved to perform, but when he was done performing, he liked to be alone.
He didn't like to be alone.
He loved to be alone.
When he went home, he just wanted to watch TV.
He wanted to watch westerns alone.
- Wow, you said "alone" three times.
- That's how much he liked to be alone.
And when Mrs.
Dean Martin would have a party, Dean Martin would call the cops on himself when he wanted to shut it down so Dean Martin could be alone.
George, why did you buy this house? Because it's nice.
It's got great public schools that we don't use, big lawns.
You won't find a house like this in San Fernando.
Well, then, why don't you make the best of it? So you think if I had a party that my neighbors would like me? Definitely.
(upbeat music) ( ) (man speaking in Spanish) (speaking in Spanish) Why? Why must you do that when you talk in another language in front of me? Come on, man.
If you had another gear, wouldn't you use it? Yes, but I don't have anybody to use my gear with.
There's a lot of your gears everywhere.
(both laughing) Hey, Sheila wants me to get to know my neighbors, so I have to have a party.
Oh, that sounds like a blast and right up your alley.
- Good luck with that, George.
- But you got to come - because I need somebody to talk to.
- Other than the guests - that will be at your party? - Mm-hmm.
(sighs) You know what? I'll come.
It'll be great, because remember, there is a U in you.
- What the hell is that? - Part of my motivational speech.
Arsenio got me some corporate gigs that he can't do, - so I'm gonna do them.
- Oh, Arsenio got you some gigs? - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- So you're double dipping.
- I'm not double dipping.
It's diversifying, and these corporate gigs are easy, 'cause you don't have to be that funny.
Well, then, that's perfect for you, 'cause you're not that funny.
You know what? Say what you want, but I think I found my sweet spot.
All right, hang on.
- (speaking in Spanish) - (speaking in Spanish) I asked them if they were looking for a cook.
(both laughing) He said no.
I tried I told him they might be diversifying.
He said no.
There's no black people here for me to talk black to? ( ) Hey, Sheila, have you seen my clubs that were by that door? Yeah, I put them in the closet.
What's all this? I've got a lot of work to do for the party.
I'm meeting with a caterer in an hour, and I've got to narrow down the theme.
I think the theme is Sheila is moving all of George's stuff.
It's just better party flow.
Look, beer mugs at eye level so people can see and think, "Hey, yeah, I'd like a beer in a mug.
" Oh, and come see this.
What happened to my Mexican candies? I threw them out; they're too salty.
So I wanted to give the room more of an open feel so people can mingle and move.
Yeah, mingle, I don't like the sound of.
Where's everything at? What's with these books? Oh, I borrowed them from a friend who stages home for sale.
They're really good conversation starters.
Are you serious? "Teacups of the World" and "The Naked Life of Georgia O'Keeffe.
" Oh, come on.
She should shower in the dark.
See? Good conversation starter.
That's a conversation killer.
- Hey, guys.
What's that? - Nothing.
Okay, if you're gonna have this party, - I'm gonna invite Bethenny.
- I don't want Bethenny to come.
Why don't you invite one of your other friends? - Bethenny can come.
- Thank you, Sheila.
See, she's the coolest Dad's special friend ever.
Wait a minute.
Where's my weed? Are these real flowers? Oh, come on, Sheila.
Why are my guitars in the living room? ( ) Dude, nothing's ever easy in my life.
She's talking about playing board games and doing karaoke.
Hey, we could download some of my band's music to play.
Does everybody have a band these days? - Pretty much.
- She's making a list of themes.
She wants the party to have a theme.
How about Unhappy Mexican? That's a good theme.
You know what? I should make a list of excuses to get out of there.
I think my daughter's sick.
I'm being redeployed.
I have to go get ice.
Those are good ones.
So all them times you asked me if I needed ice? Oh, dude, and she's putting out these books.
She put one out of Georgia O'Keeffe.
O'Keeffe? The painter? You know all them pictures of flowers she made? Every one was really a vagina.
Okay, I put the dogs in the guest room.
This is a lot of food.
Are you sure it's enough? - Oh, there's plenty.
- You know what? I'm gonna go get some ice because we always run out.
George, we have plenty of ice.
We have plenty of everything.
- Okay, cool.
- Are you nervous? No, I just want everybody to have a good time.
- I'm anxious.
- Okay, all right.
- (chuckles) Where are the girls at? - They're upstairs changing.
Okay, well, keep an eye on Bethenny, 'cause she's not the best George, why don't you go relax, okay? - Go sit down.
- (doorbell rings) Oh, better yet, why don't you get the door? - Okay.
- Okay? All right.
(doorbell rings) George.
- Party's not for an hour.
- Yeah, I know.
I don't like eating finger food in front of other people.
I think it shows weakness, so I'm gonna fill up now and have some in there to soak up the alcohol.
Wow, it's like a meat locker in here.
- Jackpot.
- Seriously? - Can I help you find something? - Let's see how this feels.
68 degrees.
How many zones you running? Upstairs, downstairs? Okay, I didn't steal your AC.
- Ridiculous.
- Okay, okay.
(doorbell rings) Oh, Jesus, Jesus.
- (knocking at door) - Hang on, I'm coming.
- See? I told you it wasn't a prank.
- I thought it was a prank.
Well, it's a party, but it's in an hour.
- Don Jacobson.
Not a fan.
- Hey.
- Where's the bathroom? - Down the hall on the right.
Feed the good.
Hi, hello, welcome.
Did you hear what that dude said? He's just being honest; you have to like it.
All right, well, since they're here, I'm gonna go get some ice.
No, no, no.
What are you, the ice man? (upbeat music) (indistinct conversation) ( ) Hey.
You moved the mugs.
Why'd you move the mugs? No, I didn't move them.
Sheila adjust them.
But I think I'm getting used to it.
And that's cool; it makes her happy.
Right.
And you're happy too, right? I love Chipotle.
I was one of the first people to eat there.
- That's interesting.
Do you need ice? - No, no.
It's very authentic.
I even think the food poisoning problems are part of them keeping it auténtico.
Okay, I'm gonna get ice.
Excuse me.
( ) Hey, Olly, what's happening? I am ready to work this Hollywood party.
- Work? - I'm gonna tweet the hell out of it.
- Tweet? - Is this a Hollywood party? - No.
- Is anyone here? Um, Bobbie, Joelle, and Stephen.
- Ooh, Spielberg? - Not even close.
Oh, just regular folks, then.
Well, that's okay.
Regular folks like that kind of stuff.
I'm on it.
- You're gonna be up all night.
- Maybe.
- Okay, not here, though.
- Relax.
I filled it halfway with vodka.
It's a trick I learned to get me through high school and into Princeton.
The vodka calms me down, but the Red Bull builds me back up so I can focus and do the job.
I love Sheila.
She's super photogenic.
- I didn't know you two were so serious.
- We're not serious.
I just sometimes hold her hand.
So these are your neighbors, huh? - Yeah, why? - Kind of nosy, don't you think? What's that dude doing? George, you have to meet Trish and Randy.
They live on the corner.
- Are you prepping for a role? - No, why? Oh, that beard/moustache thing you've got going on.
- Really scary looking.
- I think he looks dashing.
How come you're not smiling? I just thought you'd be smiling and laughing.
You used to smile and laugh.
- I smile.
- Not like on TV.
George Lopez.
Your house looks bigger on the outside.
I thought big comedy man have big comedy house.
Yeah, well, you know, if you take my houses and my ex-wife's houses and put them together How big a Christmas tree can you get in here? Not even 10 feet.
8 feet max.
Yeah, ours are all 12 feet with room to spare.
We need to go.
Oh, my hey, girls Hey, excuse me.
Hey, hey, hey.
What's wrong with you guys? Hey, pull that stuff over your shoulders.
Cover yourselves up.
Here, go in the laundry room.
What's going on? Are you gonna tell them to quit touching your stuff? Don't change the subject.
What are you guys wearing? A bikini.
It's a pool party.
- It's not a pool party.
- It's a party, and you have a pool.
- What's the big deal, yo? - Okay, yo.
You can't run around the house half naked.
Wait a minute, Bethenny.
Are you drunk? I mean, I pregamed.
Erica said that you weren't gonna let us drink.
No, Erica was right.
Okay, so now Erica, take your friend upstairs.
Put some clothes on, seriously.
Help her.
- Okay, bye.
- Man.
Hold her up.
She's not gonna make it on the stairs.
Come on.
So the Japanese invented teacups, but I think the British perfected them.
Boy, it seems that's the way it works with everything, right? I mean, white man's burden, you know? Oh, yeah, white man's burden.
I don't envy you guys.
You know, party's winding down.
Let me make sure you leave.
Hey, hey, you're good for him.
You soften up his edges.
Welcome to the neighborhood.
- Thank you, Stephen.
- Oh, you took her there.
Thanks.
All right.
See, George? It's working.
- Yes, you were right.
- Yes.
- Good night.
- Hey, so Hard to say it was fun, but have a good time walking home, all right? (laughs) G Lo, G Lo, G Lo, you ready to party? - This is nice, man.
- It's kind of over.
It's a little neighborhood party.
I brought my own white people.
It ain't over, man.
It's just a neighborhood little thing that's winding down.
Oh, you can't wind down.
You can't stop a party at 10:00.
That's a block watch meeting.
We gonna party all night long.
No, wait.
What what's going on? Hey, wait a minute, everybody.
- What's your name, man? - Stephen.
- Stephen? - Yeah, I'm Stephen.
What you doing here? Hey, everybody, you guys already left.
The party was over.
You guys already said good-bye.
It would be rude for you guys to stay.
Arsenio Hall! You know Arsenio Hall! (indistinct conversation) (upbeat music) ( ) - Arsenio knows how to throw a party.
- He's very energetic.
- Come on, George, let's dance.
- Oh, no, I don't think people should dance in the house.
I'm superstitious.
- But you go ahead.
Go ahead, have fun.
- Okay.
- Dad? - What? We have a problem.
At least she didn't throw up in the Jacuzzi.
- Oh, man, is she all right? - Just some bad decisions.
Okay, so call Uber, and let's get her drunk ass home.
- Go.
- Okay.
Private plane, more money than I've ever made in one hour, and I'm home in my bed at 3:00 a.
m.
, man.
Shut up.
Yo, jefe, what's up? I heard Arsenio was in the building.
How did you find out about Arsenio? Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat.
See? I'm working for you.
We're getting it all out there.
Super solid inviting Arsenio.
- Super solid.
Are you - Whoa.
- Wait, are you all right? - Yeah, I'm great.
And if I don't pass out, I might just go home with somebody I just met tonight.
- I don't want to know that.
- Of course, yeah.
Because that is why I am all about business all of the time, 24 of the 7.
- Where's my phone? - It's in your hand.
No.
This is the phone I do business with.
Okay, business.
Hey, what's going on with the Vegas residency? You haven't said anything in two weeks.
Vegas is just doing their due diligence, but I'm optimistic, and so you should be too.
- Relax.
Enjoy your party.
- Are you kidding? I'm over this party.
I just had to put a drunk teenage girl in an Uber.
- Oh, my God.
What did you do? - I didn't do anything.
Why do you always think I do something? Wait a minute.
You're my manager.
You're supposed to be on my team.
I am on your team.
It's just my job to think the worst and then be happy when it's not true.
Yay, Team George.
Don't look now.
Well, look now.
That's the guy.
- What? - I think.
It's hard, because he and his friends all wore the same thing.
Hey, listen, listen.
I want to say I'm sorry.
I should have suspected the Sadims before I suspected you.
Oh, so now the Sadims stole your air conditioner.
Yeah, probably halfway to Dubai by now.
(laughs) It's I just know that you didn't do it.
You know, you're not that kind of guy.
- Hey, I'm gonna be honest with you.
- Don't, no.
When you first moved in, I was all like, "Oh, first the Jews, then the blacks, and then the moving company left a Hispanish fellow behind or something," you know? - I mean - Yeah, listen, man.
You moved in after me, and we prefer Latino when we're being insulted.
I'm not sure what the other groups like to be called.
No, no, yeah, yeah.
I had it all wrong.
I mean, you helped me see.
Listen, Arsenio is is is black.
Bobbie and Joelle, Jew.
Jews.
I mean, Joelle is kind of annoying, but Bobbie, she's all right.
Speaking of great racks, Scarlett Johansson Jew! What? What? How did that happen, you know? You know, when people are being racially insensitive, they usually do it at a much lower volume.
- Okay.
- All right.
My man and my neighbor getting along.
- How great is this? - Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.
(chuckles) We'll have to talk about that later.
You know, we have to have you and your wife over for dinner, okay? - Aww.
- How about that, hmm? Yeah, that would be awesome.
Hey, hey, hey, can Arsenio come? - Oh, sure.
- Should we ask Arsen - I'll ask Arsenio.
- Okay, great.
- Is there a Mrs.
Arsenio? - If there is, she's invited.
- All right.
- Yeah.
I mean, really? Listen, I don't want to have dinner with Stephen or Mrs.
Arsenio or anybody.
I just want people to get out of my house.
When are people gonna start to leave? Jefe, Arsenio likes one of my songs.
You have a piano tuner? - What? - Hey, Manolo, Manolo.
Never mind.
Arsenio can tune by ear.
- Great, come on.
- Never mind, jefe.
Thanks.
George, this is a great party, and I'm gonna enjoy it, okay? Oh, Jesus! ( ) Hey, dad.
Thanks for helping me for Bethenny earlier.
- Did she live? - What a wreck.
Jefe, Arsenio says we're out of ice.
Want me to go get some? Wait, he wants ice? Okay, I got it.
No, no.
Okay.
Don't stay up too late.
( ) Okay, repeat after me.
- Swadoo-do-badoo.
- Swadoo-do-badoo.
- Swadoo-do-badoo.
- Swadoo-do-badoo.
- Ba-ba-boo-boop.
- Ba-ba-boo - Ba-ba-boo-boop.
- Ba-ba-boo-boop.
Doo-bop.
Go way down low.
- Ba-doop.
- Wa-doop.
- See-da-doo-da-bop.
- See-da-doo-da-bop.
Ba-doop, Ba-doop.
- Ba-doop, Ba-doop.
- Ba-doop.
(sirens wailing) - Popo.
- Popo.
Popopopo No, no, no, no, no, no.
Stop, stop, stop.
That's the police.
Oh, oh, the police.
Popo is the police.
Oh, my god! Everybody get out.
Shh.
Everybody get out.
(indistinct conversation) Get out, it's the police.
- We got a noise complaint call.
- Uh, you heard the officer.
Everybody has to go.
Who would call and complain? I mean, the whole neighborhood is here.
- Well, Mrs.
Lopez - No, no.
Sheila.
We came over quick because the complaint call came from the house landline.
- From inside the house? - You never know with these calls.
We could have had a hostage situation.
No, it wasn't a hostage situation.
I'm pretty sure it was a Dean Martin situation.
Seriously? Dean goddamn Martin? George - Wait a minute.
Hold on.
- No, no, you hold on.
This is crazy.
I mean, I can't believe you would do this.
You know what? If you cared about me, I would think that you would call.
- I would call the cops? - You saw that I was miserable.
You knew I didn't want to have a party.
You wouldn't leave me alone, like in "Godfather III.
" Every time I thought I was out, you pulled me back in.
This is a neighborhood party, not the mob, okay? - I can't believe you would do this.
- Okay, I didn't even make the call.
Mr.
Lopez, if this was some sort of a prank or joke, the person who made the call could be in some trouble, but we'll go back and check the voice recordings at dispatch and find out who it is.
I didn't know you had a voice recording.
I made the call.
I'm sorry.
I was having a party.
I you know, I'm afraid of social interaction.
I lost control of it.
I didn't know what to do, so I'll pay you the fine if there's a fine.
I know that the police do charitable things - Toys for Tots.
- I'm in.
I'll write a big check, okay? Okay, thank you.
Good night, officers.
You know, I can get past the kidney thing and the passing out in the casino and whatever happened or didn't happen with that Twitter woman, but calling the cops on your own party, our party? I I'm done.
Done.
Okay, well, I'll make sure you get your books.
Well, I'm gonna bounce, jefe.
I got her blocked in.
Thank you.
Weren't you happy when you heard the sirens? Oh, I was very happy.
- And thanks for not turning me in.
- Never.
I mean, I'm sorry about Sheila.
No, Sheila.
I mean, beautiful and caring, loving.
I mean, I probably would have stayed with her.
You know, fallen in love.
Maybe married her, gotten sick, needed a kidney, gotten divorced, lost houses and, you know, divide everything up.