Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s01e04 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
- Oscar, seagull.
- [IMITATES SEAGULL CRY]
Oh! Five points it touched your lips.
- Chance, seagull.
- [IMITATES SEAGULL CRY]
- There you go ten points!
- Man, game over. You win.
You're the king of the garbage birds.
Collect your winnings off the floor.
Dad, that's enough.
Last time I took Chance to the beach,
he fought an actual seagull for a fry.
Yeah, but he won,
and we ate good that day.
Mom, did you get
my birthday invitations?
Yep, thanks to the printer at work.
Oh, I also swiped these poop bags
to put the party favors in.
This is for you, Grandpa.
You're coming, right?
- Of course I'll be there.
- We're roommates.
I think it would be
really awkward if I didn't go.
[CLEARS THROAT] Hello. I'm right here.
We're at full capacity,
but you're on the wait list.
Then so is your gift. It's ham.
His birthday's at the insect museum?
- Yeah.
- With all the dead bugs?
Mm-hmm.
I'll save you some money, Mayan.
I stepped on a cockroach this morning.
It's still stuck to my shoe.
I'll show it to you for free.
Do you think the museum has ladybugs?
I always wondered what it would be like
to go on a fancy date with one.
[BRITISH ACCENT] Hello, milady.
Fancy a crumpet?
And that's why you're not invited.
You're a whole freak.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
- What are you guys doing?
- Paying bills.
- Very responsible. Got to go.
- Hold up.
Look, we know it's been hard
for you losing your home,
keeping your business afloat,
zipping up your pants after five beers.
- We're not asking you for rent.
- Whew. Okay, I'll stay.
- I'm here.
- Now I want to go again.
I have exciting news.
Your tías are coming to town
for Chance's birthday.
Wait, my actual tías or the
ladies you made me call "tías,"
like your cousins, your coworkers,
and your favorite cashier at Chico's?
Mm, Janet and I aren't speaking,
and it's up to her to make it right.
Anyway, it's Daisy, Lily, and Flor,
the tías from New York
who travel together.
They share one broomstick
unless they decided to go Jet Bruja.
Well, I've never met them.
So I hope I can make a good impression.
Unless your name is
Julio Iglesias, Andy Garcia,
or a Carnival Cruise Line captain,
they're not going to be impressed.
I am just excited to
practice my Spanish with them.
See, I already got
my Mexican accent down.
And now I get to showcase my Cuban one.
Ready? In Mexican, it's
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
And in Cuban, it's
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Accent's all in the hands.
I'm going to iron my guayabera.
Don't worry. I'll make sure
he does none of that.
He should just speak English.
They don't like it
when people try so hard.
Oh, then they're going
to love the dead bug party,
because clearly Mayan didn't
try too hard planning that.
Was the roadkill museum closed?
Hey, this is what Chance wants.
I know my son.
And I know how to show
that kid a good time.
So come on, Mayan,
let me plan this birthday.
Remember all the great
birthday parties I threw you?
I threw them. You threw up at them.
I remember one year you drank so much
that you passed out in the bounce house.
Best sleep of my life.
It's soft in there,
hugs your curves
in all the right places.
You never even got me gifts.
I asked you for a puppy
every year until I was 14,
but the closest I got was that
woman you dated named Fifi.
She always came when I called her.
Good Fifi.
Mayan, if I had given you a dog,
you would have gotten your fill of dogs,
and then you would have never wanted
to pursue a career as a vet,
so you're welcome.
I wanted to be a vet
because of "Air Bud."
I thought it was because
of "Beverly Hills Chihuahua."
Come on, Mayan, this is my
first birthday with Chance.
Let me throw him
a classic Lopez backyard banger
with a bounce house,
a piñata, and chickens
that start out as entertainment
and end up as dinner.
Mayan and Quentin can't afford all that.
Look how they dress.
They can't, but you can, sugar mama.
Picture this a banner that says
"Chance's Seventh Birthday,
"sponsored
by Rosie La Reina's Insurance.
Se habla inglés."
You know how many people
come to a Latino kid's birthday party?
And I can guarantee you none
of them will have insurance.
- I'm in.
- All right, I got to go talk to Oscar.
He's got a hookup at the party store.
Her name is Brenda,
and she's got nice balloons.
There's no way he actually
follows through with this.
Oh, no way in hell.
All he's going to do is hit on
that girl at the party store.
Oh, I should call ahead and warn her.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
What's going on?
You actually came through?
If there's one thing
I can rely on you for,
it's being unreliable.
I'm adulting. I'm an adulterer.
I got some bad news.
I think the bounce house is broken.
I tried blowing into it,
but it won't inflate.
It has a motor, fool.
What did you even blow into?
Before you start blowing anything up,
we should check with Chance
to see if this is what he really wants.
I'm sure he wants a bug party.
He's so excited that he started
his own bug collection,
and now I have to burn his sheets.
- Oh, those ants are my fault.
- I keep hot dogs under the bed.
- Why do you think I'm never hungover?
- Chance?
Eh, I was just about
to do that Chance.
It's not a competition. Chance!
Then why am I winning? Chance!
- I got a bounce house?
- This party's about to be lit!
- What about the bugs?
- They're dead.
They'll still be dead next week.
I guess he's okay with it.
Want to see a live chicken?
- Say hello to Hennifer Lopez.
- Whoa!
Don't get too attached.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Hey, gordo, enjoying the party?
It's the best, Grandpa.
Did you do what I said?
Yes, I got three girls' numbers
as soon as they're old enough
to have phones.
And as soon as you're
old enough to get a phone,
I'll show you how to save their numbers
as Domino's, Pizza Hut,
and Little Caesars.
- Why?
- Because when you get older,
you're going to want to eat
a lot of different pizza
from a lot of different places
thin and thick crust.
Your dad and I really nailed
this party, didn't we?
Yeah, it's great
almost like two adult children got high
and planned a birthday party.
Okay, what's going on with your vibe?
What are you talking about?
Mm, I can tell when
something's bothering a woman.
I have, how do you say,
women's intuition.
Oh, Lord.
I'm getting the feeling
that you're bummed
that Chance chose
this big party over your idea.
No. I want him to be happy.
If he's happy, I'm happy.
But you don't sound happy.
I'm having the time of my life, menso.
Okay, this is
women-on-women's-intuition violence.
Ay, there he is.
Quinten, this is Tía Daisy.
Your kind eyes remind me
of my late husband, Raymundo.
- I'm sorry for your loss.
- When did he pass?
25 years ago.
But when you wear him
in a locket around your neck,
it's like it was yesterday.
And this is Tía Lily.
It's actually Mrs. Dr. Lily Rodriguez.
Oh, are you a doctor?
My husband is, so pretty much.
And my cousin Flor.
I love your sparkly visor.
Would you believe I make them myself?
I sell them on "Es-ty."
Well, Quinten does well, too.
He works at the Apple Genius Bar.
- Oh!
- Mm-hmm.
I'm going to go make us some drinks.
Why don't you tell them about the time
- that you fixed Enrique Iglesias's phone.
- [LADIES GASP]
Okay, so, uh, he brought it in,
and I fixed it.
But where was Julio?
Can you reset my facial recognition?
It hasn't worked since I got
stung on the lips by a bee
and the swelling spread to my breasts.
Sure, no problem.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Déjame decirte algo
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, hey, papa.
How about you hang
with your mom for a little bit?
- Maybe later. Right now I'm having fun.
- So am I!
Girl
We're going to play
Pin the Tail on the Donkey.
Grandpa says he's the best
because he's been chasing tail
his whole life.
I didn't get it, but I laughed anyways.
[CUMBIA MUSIC]
Ow!
Oh!
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Rosie, I need to tell you something,
and it might be upsetting.
Oh, I already know
about your inverted nipples.
Not what I was going to say.
But update they reverted.
I overheard the tías talking about you.
They didn't realize
that I understand Spanish.
Interesting. What did they say?
Oh, just g general stuff,
like how you're struggling with business
and fashion choices and lack
of romantic fulfillment.
So they called me a hoochie
who can't get laid?
A broke hoochie. Sorry.
If you hate me for telling you,
I completely understand.
I don't hate you.
- That was a test. You passed.
- I'm sorry, what?
I left you alone
with those chismosas on purpose
to see if you would report
back, and you did.
I trust you now.
You didn't trust me before?
Rosie, I've been with Mayan
for eight years.
But you're not married,
so you have to keep proving
your loyalty.
If you want the tests to stop,
put a ring on it.
- It's always fun.
- No matter where we start,
we always end up right back here.
- So are you mad at the tías now?
- Ay, no.
In our family,
chisme is our love language.
If we stop talking crap about you,
we don't care anymore.
I say stuff, too.
Daisy's amazing husband, Raymundo
scam artist.
I think he faked his own death
to get away from her.
- Oh, my.
- Mm-hmm.
And Lily's big-deal doctor
husband works at the morgue.
I think he helped Raymundo
fake his death.
- No!
- Mm-hmm.
And you want to hear
the biggest shock of them all?
Flor doesn't bedazzle her own visors.
- She outsources to Thailand.
- Get out!
I mean, her visors are nice,
but they aren't even
that sparkly, right?
Don't talk about my family.
I thought you because you said
- Isn't that how you show that you care?
- Yes, us.
But not you. Pero
you can help me talk to them
in my other love language
revenge.
Thank God I passed your test.
[LAUGHS]
Just coming over for a feelings check.
- Talk to me. This is a safe space.
- Not for you.
Let's just be honest with each other.
I'll go first.
Sometimes I think
about your mom in the shower.
What?
Now you admit that
you're jealous of this party.
No. I'm just annoyed
that my dad has Chance thinking
that every birthday
has to be bigger and better.
So next year he's going
to expect a private party
on a yacht like he's El Chapo.
- They're already the same height.
- I don't buy it.
Ugh.
And now his big head
is in the bounce house.
Adults aren't allowed in there.
- I'm going in.
- Wait.
I don't think it's safe to go
in there with the cake cutter.
- Dad, get out of there.
- [POP, AIR HISSING]
- What the hell, Mayan?
- You stabbed the bounce house!
- I was going to sleep in here tonight.
- It was an accident!
I blew it up with my mouth.
Agh!
Can someone get us out of here?
Not yet. It's still hugging my curves.
Look what you did.
Now I'll never get my deposit back.
That's Mom's deposit. She paid for it.
I know. I was going to keep it.
So what gives, Mayan?
I give Chance a great
birthday party, and you're mad?
It's like you don't want me
to have fun with my grandson.
Why does he get that when I never did?
Oh, so that's what it is.
I never got to do a piñata with you
or blow out candles.
I wanted to be spun so hard
that I stuck a pin in a tía's butt.
So I do everything right,
and you're still throwing
the past in my face.
No!
Yeah.
It's screwed up.
I mean, you're finally
showing up for him
in ways you never showed up for me,
and I can't handle it.
And now my kid's birthday is ruined
because I'm jealous.
I'll go. You've hurt her enough.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
- Having fun?
- Claro que sí.
Even though the bounce house
got destroyed,
my ass got stabbed,
and this cake appears
to only have dos leches
this has been a beautiful party.
Oh, thank you.
Well, it's about to get better.
Quinten has offered
- to upgrade your phones
- [LADIES GASP]
With the latest top-secret technology
that only white and Asian people get.
I knew it!
Yeah, you'll get reception
in an elevator, on the moon,
the third-floor parking below TJ Maxx.
Well, I prefer Marshalls, but okay.
Oh, your voice recorder is on.
You must have accidentally hit
the button earlier.
Oh, that's okay.
- [CHUCKLES] I'll just delete it.
- Ay, no.
If it's been recording this
whole time, we should keep it.
You know, as a memory for Chance
so he can listen to the sounds
of his party
and the tías talking.
Shall we have a listen?
- Oh, no, I don't
- Ay!
I'm sorry. A a spasm.
I It's the ghost of Raymundo.
He still like to slap my ass
from the beyond.
Ay! Ay! Stop it, Ray!
Really?
You'd rather destroy a $900 phone
than admit that you called me a hoochie?
I don't know what you're
talking about, Rosie.
It was an accident.
Can the Apple genie fix it for me?
I don't know. Let me ask.
¿Puedes arreglar el teléfono?
Por supuesto que sí.
[LADIES GASP]
El gringo e-speaks e-Spanish?
Busted!
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
How's our birthday boy?
He said it's the best banger
he's ever been to.
It's the only banger he's ever been to.
But I'll take it.
About earlier
I'm sorry about letting
old stuff get in the way.
It's really nice that you did
all that for Chance.
Well, Mayan, you know,
not all heroes wear capes.
Some wear corduroy slippers
and knee-high white socks.
The higher the sock,
the downer the fool.
That's what's up.
So I get why you were upset.
- You do?
- Yeah.
I felt the same way
when my grandma was nice to you
when you were little.
- Really?
- Yeah, I mean, Mayan,
I didn't have any birthday
parties or any gifts.
I mean, my grandma said the
fact that I called her Grandma
and that she fed me was a gift
that I didn't deserve.
So I told her that I thought
calling her Grandma
was a gift that she didn't deserve.
And she said, "Well, then
call me Doña Pow Pow."
And the rest of
my formative years are blank.
Ay, I got you something.
- I got you that puppy you always wanted.
- Oh, Dad, I
Wait. This isn't a puppy.
This is a very small, very old dog.
Yeah, uh, it was a puppy
when you were 14.
Don't squeeze it too hard
because the filling
will come out like a churro.
That should be
the dog's name, Mayan Churro.
I think I get to name
my birthday puppy, thank you.
- What are you going to name it?
- Churro.
She even smells old.
No, she got in my hot dog stash.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
If I had to say something bad
about my boss,
it would be that she is
Too nice?
- Ay.
- Is this fool for real?
I'm sorry, my chisme sucks.
It should come natural.
Yeah, no need to be out
here doing the "chis-most."
I see you added some
white diversity to your coven.
Maybe you can sacrifice him
instead of one of the chickens.
[IMITATES CHICKEN CLUCKING]
[INHALES DEEPLY] Okay.
Hot dogs.
Oh, Quinten, you are un oso chismoso.
And your Cuban accent is good.
It's all in the hands, baby.
- Don't do that.
- Okay.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]