Lost in Austen s01e04 Episode Script

So, I've ruined everything with Darcy and I have absolutely nowhere to go.
But that's all right.
The worst that can happen is that I just die.
The worst is I never see Darcy again ever.
Happy face.
Happy face.
Why does Sweller-endo summon his guests? Do we know? Oh.
Ahem.
Ladies and gentlemen, 'tis a poor host who neglects to keep his guests abreast of local news.
I have asked Miss Bingley to be my wife and she has consented to the task.
Thank you for your attention.
Dinner is at six.
You must come.
Come.
May I be the first to congratulate.
- She's gone where? - It does not say.
It says with whom.
Lydia doesn't run off with Bingley! She goes with Wickham.
"Charles and I are afflicted by the same ennui.
"Society bores us.
Our conversations with Miss Price have persuaded us" - Oh, no.
- Oh, yes, Miss Price! ".
.
have persuaded us that more inspiriting company "is to be found elsewhere.
" - Silly girl.
- How dare you? How dare you sneer at my daughters when it is you, you who has infected their minds! With what, Mrs Bennet? what have I said - That you would marry Mr Darcy! - Mamma, Mr Bingley is a gentleman.
If he has gone away with Lydia, it can only mean one thing.
He intends to make her his wife.
An elopement! Well Mrs Lydia Bingley She has no hat fit for town.
Oh! I must return to Longbourn immediately.
Shoes! Shoes! What shoes does she have? Oh! Mr Bennet shall feel the weight of this excite! - She cannot be allowed to believe that.
- She can till she is delivered home.
Then my father shall have charge of it.
'Tis time he rose from his chair for the good of the family.
I urged Bingley to love another.
That he should choose my little sister did not occur to me.
In unguarded moments, you are given to the queerest ejaculations.
- Uh? - You protest things should be other.
Lizzy should be here for Darcy, Lydia should be with Wickham She should marry Wickham, ultimately.
Good Lord.
I should now be married to Bingley.
Yes.
I consider our lives and I find I prefer your version.
- will you escort my mother home? - I thought you would want to.
Mr Collins does not care for me to be apart from him.
Longbourn is no longer my home, Miss Price.
I am no longer my mother's child.
I am my husband's wife.
Mrs Bennet is indisposed? She is excited by the prospect of a double marriage.
- Mr Bingley and Lydia.
- I think that unlikely.
Me too.
Let's hope we're both wrong because he's run off with her.
What? Why do you suppose Bingley has done this? Any ideas? Any little twinges of guilt about this situation? No.
You don't really do guilt, do you? You do whatever the hell you want and afterwards call it principle.
- Bye, then.
- Do you have the grace to wish me well? - Good luck.
- That I already have.
Clearly.
You and Caroline are made for each other.
(Mrs Bennet) lf Mr Bennet is in the garden, I shall pursue him like a harpy.
- Hanom.
Hanom! - whoa! I shall press the door myself.
Oh, Mr Bennet! - The most extraordinary thing - However extraordinary, madam, it cannot match the adventure that awaits you in your drawing room.
Lady Catherine sends us gifts.
Gentlemen! Allow me to introduce you to Mrs Bennet.
Mr Probity Collins, currently resting after his exertions at the dining table.
Dr Elysium Collins, favouring us with a tobacco mix of his own devising.
And Mr Cymbal Collins, enlivening a dull Tuesday evening with his amusing trousers.
I trust, madam, you shall come to call me "Tinkler".
Mrs Bennet will dedicate herself to that end.
Ah! Oh, I'm delighted to find Miss Amanda Price of Hammersmith.
I cannot yet hear Lydia, which is unusual, but nevertheless She is to be married! Mr Bennet, that is what I tried to say.
Married, madam? Anyone we know? Mr Charles Bingley.
This is extraordinary.
Mr Bennet, might we speak a moment, with Mrs Bennet? It's so off-piste, it is just insane.
Lydia is to be married? Goodness.
It seems barely plausible that she is old enough to cut a slice of cake, Iet alone keep a husband.
Where is this marriage to be? I suppose I am obliged to attend.
Mr Bennet, may I speak frankly? I think Mrs Bennet may be mistaken.
- what? - Let him read the letter.
Please.
Poor old Tinkler.
He will not want her after this.
You are of the opinion that Mr Bingley means to despoil Lydia and not marry her? I am of that opinion, madam, yes.
The girl has thrown herself away, my dear.
It is a shame.
But her dissent cannot be arrested by intemperate demonstrations of contrition in my library.
Mr Bennet, you can't just read a book.
- You must do something.
- what do you recommend, Miss Price? I don't know, but You're her father! I'm not suggesting you challenge Bingley to a duel, which is the thing in the novel your wife dreads, but you must try to stop Lydia just flinging her maidenhood out the window.
Lydia writes of a place unfettered by convention.
will you take me there? Hammersmith, Miss Price.
It is time we visited your house.
- Where are we? - Hammersmith, Miss Price.
This is where you live.
Mr and Mrs Bennet, I think the time has probably come There you are! Welcome, all.
How was the road? Mr Wickham.
How unexpected.
Is it? Did Miss Price not tell you she asked me to ride ahead to make arrangements? I quite forgot.
Sir Reginald and Lady Nora are safely on their way to Bath.
Uh Good.
Who, pray, is Sir Reginald? Miss Price's father, Mrs Bennet.
The house, alas, is quite locked up.
The servants insist on travelling with Sir Reginald and Lady Nora which is inconvenient, of course, but most devoted.
Lady Nora? A good name for the wife of a successful fishmonger.
What are you doing here? what's the point in helping me? Because your face is most amusing when surprised.
I do as you do.
I have to see Bingley.
- Where is Lizzy? - At Bath.
When Mamma and Papa go on their expeditions they take their guests.
Mr Wickham, I speak to you as one gentleman to another with the expectation of discretion that entails.
I understand, sir.
whatever you confide shall die inside me.
My youngest daughter Lydia has run away with Charles Bingley.
I do not know how to proceed.
I cannot think how to find my daughter.
Surely they have gone to The Jerusalem.
That is the inn of note here, is it not, Miss Price? If they have come here, we must go immediately to prevent wrongdoing.
Mr Bennet, sir, permit me to be your guide.
Oh, Mr Wickham! How fortunate we are to find you here.
Hear that sound, George? That's Jane Austen spinning in her grave like a cat in a tumble dryer.
My child! Oh, my child! Oh, excellent.
Look at this.
You find me making a spear.
Rousseau, you know.
Noble savage, so forth.
The book you lent me.
Why does my daughter weep, Mr Bingley? Fundamental skills we have forfeited through privilege.
I expect it's because she's bored.
Bored? Our social experiment has proved dispiritingly unchallenging.
Hammersmith is not the Amazon.
You brought my daughter here alone? To spend the night with you alone? Tell me, what species of experiment is that? Ah, well met.
Bingley, Miss Lydia and I have just now returned from the opera - Darcy - And the problem with the opera is Sir, will you have done? Your subterfuge is well meaning, but it is puerile and demeans us all.
There is no opera in Hammersmith.
You've just arrived, that much is plain.
Miss Lydia and I came yesterday and have spent our hours philosophising.
Huh.
Her father thinks we've been making the beast with two backs.
Time to take the weapons from the wall, Mr Bingley.
Pick up your damn spear and take guard! - Oh, Mr Bennet! - Take up your stick, damn you! You drivelling, anorchus imbecile! - No! Darcy, do something! - Imbecile? - Charles, put that down.
- Drivelling, snivelling imbecile! Oh! Number 18 Clifford Street.
Quick as you can.
Go! I have sent for my physician.
He will be here within the hour.
In an hour he could be dead.
He's lost half a pint of blood in two minutes.
You do the maths.
Mr Bennet! Shocking business, bleeding on a fellow's rugs this time of year.
What would Lady Catherine say! - Your physician, can he do stitches? - Stitches? He is not a dressmaker.
Oh, God, I've let the woman I love run through my fingers like mercury and now her father lies dying by my hand! He needs stitches.
Please tell me you understand that.
There's a woman here.
She's arranged medical matters for me in the past.
- we should bring her here.
- Wickham, you are a bastard, - but the right one at the right time.
- One does one's best.
Everyone you know, Miss Price, will one day prise your fingers from the raft and watch you drown.
Everyone.
Except me.
Miss Price? I have to find Elizabeth.
She must be with her father.
Nothing else matters.
I believe if I am compelled to hear that name again Be there, partner, please.
Please.
- where the hell have you been? - Hello, Michael.
75 bloody texts.
An hour and a half of voicemail.
I was in a place that didn't have very good coverage.
Sorry.
- You've lost weight.
- You haven't.
Your bum's got bigger.
My bum has not got bigger, it's the dress that makes it look big.
I cannot tell you what a pleasure it is to be discussing the size of my bum.
I know you have a lot of shouting that you need to do, but right now I need to find Elizabeth.
- Where is she? - Pirhana got her a job.
Nannying.
- She cleans the kids' teeth with chalk.
- I have to find her.
Please, take me on your bike.
- I sold it.
- You sold the Ducati? - Why? - To buy us a holiday in Barbados.
The original idea was that it should be a honeymoon.
Let's go anyway, yeah? Skip the getting married bit because that seems to be a problem.
Have the honeymoon and see how we get on.
Thank you.
Is that thank you, yes, or thank you, no? Thank you, but right now, can you lend me 20 quids for a taxi to find this girl so I can tell her something terrible? I said I'd sold the Ducati, I didn't say I hadn't got wheels.
Stop! Stop, stop, stop! Darcy.
- You followed me.
- Are my wits disordered by opium? - What is this dreadful place? - This is London.
My London.
I will tell you this, Miss Price, and it is true.
The assembly rooms at Meryton, I danced with you, not in order to spare my friend, but because I wanted to dance with you.
Our acquaintance has been informed by my refusal to acknowledge this, for I have been blinded by pride.
Charles, Georgiana, Wickham, you.
I was calamitously mistaken in my judgment of you all.
A fellow less pig-headed would have realised from the start that what I felt for you was what I felt for you was Iove.
I love you.
I followed you to this infernal place because I would follow you anywhere.
I would harrow hell to be with you.
- What about Caroline? - I cannot marry Caroline Bingley.
- Because she is not a maid? - Of course she is a maid.
I cannot marry her because I do not love her.
I love you.
OK.
Before we go any further, there is someone you have to meet.
Right now, take my hand.
We're going to find Elizabeth Bennet.
I told him not to mess with me.
And what colour's he? - Excuse me, love.
- Oh, sorry.
Surfeit of negroes.
Tourette's.
Sorry.
Gentlemen here tend not to speak on the bus.
Come along, Tixie.
- That's my dress.
- Uh, yes.
It looks well on you.
It would not fit me now.
I'm macrobiotic.
You must go back, Miss Bennet.
Your father needs you urgently.
The gentleman on the bath chair.
I have seen his likeness.
Tinky winky.
I like to see the television, but I do not care to hear it.
- What is this of my father? - He needs you.
He's had an accident.
His life is in danger.
I'm sorry, there isn't time to dress it up.
I must switch off the appliances.
My employers are most anxious about the size of their footprint.
This gentleman has just come through the door.
I hazarded as much.
Dr and Mr Rosenberg have taken Rachel to the cinema.
I must leave a note.
- Doctor and mister? - Dr Rosenberg is a lady, yes.
The world is greatly changed.
Michael! Damn.
I need to use the telephone.
I've got to call my boyfriend.
Yes, of course.
Elizabeth Bennet is lending me her mobile I must close the appliances.
Elizabeth, leave that, we must go.
Darcy! Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pemberley? I am your wife.
I do not recall marrying you, madam.
I think I would have noticed if I had.
We have been married nearly 200 years.
Look.
Elizabeth, leave this now.
Taxi! He's coming.
- I've got no money.
- He's already paid by credit card.
I summoned him by text.
I was born out of time, Miss Price.
Out of time and out of place.
Goodness, here is Pirhana.
- God Almighty, Amanda! - I know.
I know, I know.
You're Darcy, yeah? Looks like a Greek statue and talks like one.
What do you mean? Darcy's some ponce in a book.
Some todger-twitching nancy boy.
- It's Darcy.
- What is this curious person? Is it some sort of village idiot? - Or a clown? - Oh, clown! Yeah, that's me.
Oh, Michael! No, I do not want this! I'm afraid, sir, I can consent to be struck only by my friends.
You and I lack introduction.
Michael Dolan.
How do you do? Oh! Stop this! Oh! - How dare you lay hands upon her! - I said stop! All right, this is what we're going to do.
You are taking him through there right now.
The rest of us will say goodbye nicely and watch you step through to fictional Georgian England, and that'll be it.
- Then we'll spend our lives in therapy.
- Miss Price No! No "Miss Price" from anyone.
You're going or I'll swing at you myself.
- The door does not oblige.
- It bloody well does.
This is Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet coming through, for God's sake.
There we go.
Oh! It is your need that opens it.
This is ridiculous.
You should see this, Pirhana.
I'm talking ten minutes max.
I'm black.
And I can't live without chocolate, electricity or bog paper.
- They have chocolate.
- Even for ten minutes.
- OK.
- Sorry.
Amanda, you go through that door and I'll be gone.
- And I will not be coming back.
- Please don't do this macho thing now.
I'm trying to send him home so he can get married to her.
- I'm trying - You go through there and I'm gone.
This ends.
One way or the other.
You walk around like that, you'll get beaten up.
Come on.
- Amanda! - I heard you, but what else can I do? Ready? Would you be so kind as to direct me to a private room? I'm experiencing an overwhelming desire to sleep.
I bid you good night, madam.
The two of you are in the right place at the right time.
- At the same time.
- Miss Price The necessary links that must be forged, the connections of mutual understanding, - they cannot be conjured so.
- I know.
I am so concerned for my father.
We must send for Charlotte Lucas.
Her comprehension of anatomy Charlotte's gone.
She's not here.
Don't worry about Charlotte.
She's gone to be a missionary in Africa.
Africa? - What have I done? - You haven't done anything.
It's a joke between us, when we were children, that if life became irreparably miserable and lonely, one could always run away to Africa.
Papa.
Clever of you to know someone so handy with the needle.
Less clever of you, sir, to insist upon returning home.
Oh, I always prefer to die at home.
What are you holding on to? Oh.
- Good gracious.
- Lizzy! - Where is Papa? - In this time of crisis Longbourn requires a firm hand on the tiller, so says Lady Catherine, therefore, Ecce Homo.
Who is this? This is my husband.
Mr Collins.
Jiminy Cricket! You cannot marry Collins.
That will not do at all.
- You must marry Bingley.
Lizzy! - Get changed.
Here.
Quickly.
- She has married Collins.
I know.
Cock-up from start to finish, but your father can't see you like that.
My father is here? Damn.
It is too late.
I have died.
I hesitate to dispute with you when you have received a blow to the head, but you speak nonsense.
Can it be Lizzy? - My Lizzy? - It can, sir.
But where is her hair? She left it in Hammersmith.
And what is that infernal smell? That she brought back.
No nurse should venture forth without it.
It may sting a little, like the devil, but it is little more than you deserve.
Dearest, silliest Papa.
Lizzy.
Lizzy.
Got a house full, Miss Price.
Where am I to sleep? I am grateful to you, George.
But where you put yourself tonight is not my concern.
Perhaps you should address yourself to Mr Collins.
I doubt if Mr Collins is equipped to give me satisfaction with regard to this inquiry.
Then you must take matters into your own hands.
Mine are full.
Mr Darcy.
Did you sleep? I was troubled by dreams.
- I shall leave for Pemberley at once.
- Oh.
- But will you breakfast first? - No.
Please extend me the kindness of putting a carriage at my disposal.
Now.
There is only one carriage, Mr Darcy, and the coachman - This is intolerable.
- I can sent Elspeth to Meryton? Yes, do.
How kind.
I shall walk in the grounds until arrangements are made.
Thank you.
- Normal transmission is resumed.
- What an insufferable, rude man.
Walk with him.
Go on.
He hates being cooped up.
Walk and talk.
It's your duty, Lizzy, to try.
But I am altered by what I have seen.
- He's seen it too.
- But he does not remember it.
He discards it as a dream.
I shall try.
Ah, ragwort.
It is the very devil.
Ragwort is the devil, but this is St John's wort, see? The leaves are perforated.
Little pin pricks.
This is also the devil, but it is important to call a thing by its proper name, however fiendish.
Lady Catherine is come! Bingley is hiding in the garden! His sister will not come out the carriage! Mr Bingley, there is a lady here for you.
I'm not drunk.
- Your father? - His health improves apace.
Thank God for it.
Jane, I need to impart something to you.
In my behaviour to your sister, there was never the very slightest For my selfishness and vanity, I'm surely damned.
Charles Please, what is done cannot be undone.
- The worst of it was done by me.
- No, Jane Who married Mr Collins? You? Here.
Every year, on this day, we will, in our own separate lives, pick a dog rose.
It shall be the only sign before God that we were ever in love.
And always shall be.
The only sign but this.
This room is far too small.
How negligent I am to lack a room fit for public assembly.
I shall say what I have to say and then I shall leave immediately.
First, I made it pellucidly clear to you, Mrs Bennet, over my salt, that I considered the brothers Collins a match for your daughters, yet that you have done nothing to promote the cause.
You have abandoned them to a house run by criminally incompetent servants.
Well, what do you have to say for yourself? I say this.
You are a prig, madam.
A pander.
And a common bully.
And you cheat at cards.
Do you suppose you may enter my house and brandish your hat at me thus? I have a mind to turn you upside down and use you to scrape out Ambrosia's sty.
Madam, I take my leave of you.
Do! Or I shall take you out and set to scraping.
Scrape, scrape, scrape, I shall go! Tally-ho, wife! - Mrs Bennet, you must desist.
- Oh, be quiet, you silly man.
Do you suppose Mamma would permit her daughters to marry your brothers When before her very eyes is the specimen of you? Jane! Jane! Mrs Bennet, that was bloody marvellous.
It was refreshing.
You, come with me.
Tonight, Mrs Bennet, with your permission, I think I shall sleep in our bedroom.
I am not here to pollute the marriage of those torpid priests to those vulgar little girls.
The propagation of the Bennets is a tumour that society must cut out.
I am come to deal with you, Miss Price.
You were told that you should not have Darcy, yet still you hurl yourself at his feet in the hope that he will stumble over you, proposing as he falls.
Who has been your tutor? Wickham? I should have drilled you better.
Less fan, more brain.
Land, blood, property.
Nothing else matters.
Bodily needs can be accommodated, the needs of the heart are expendable.
Who is that woman? That's Elizabeth Bennet.
And the interesting thing about her is, she's the one who's actually going to marry Darcy.
What is it that you want? I want Jane not to be married to Collins, but that can't be changed.
- Tell me why I should change it.
- What do you mean? You're not God.
- Has the marriage been consummated? - No, it hasn't.
Not yet.
Many a man has capacious stables containing nothing but a barrow with a wheel that squeaks.
Naturally, one knows the necessary signatories.
- It could be done.
- An annulment? - Why? Why would you do that? - To amuse myself.
To have from you the assurance that, even from the corner of my eye, I should never glimpse you, Miss Price, ever.
For here and now, you shall undertake to remove yourself from society.
Entirely.
Are my terms acceptable? You should have been my creature.
Quit this house, Fitzwilliam.
Repudiate its spawn, or I will see you snubbed and cut to the length and breadth of Christendom.
Are we to leave? But I have not yet spoke to Darcy.
- Drive on! - But my brother Your brother is a poodle-faking ninny.
Let him walk.
Drive on! Gaiety, Miss Price.
Always gaiety.
Chase it.
Will you abort that disgusting noise.
Forgive me, Lady Catherine, I have no - Could we pause the carriage here? Wickham is a reptile.
I will be shunned.
Society will call me despoiled.
I shall be the woman who could not inspire her husband to consummate his marriage.
But you will be free to be with Charles.
Oh, truly, Miss Price, you understand nothing.
Nothing! I could never be with Charles.
Why not? Because of society? I'm through with it.
Society can go hang.
Jane, the day you are at liberty from Collins is the day I take you to America.
- America? - It shall be our new-found-land.
John Donne, don't you know? "Licence my roving hands" and so forth.
In America, we shall be recreated, married by liberal Episcopalians.
We shall have 25 children and name them all Amanda.
Even the boys.
- Until Pemberley.
- Until Pemberley.
I am decided what to do.
You told me once to mind my duty.
I know not why this is my duty, but I acknowledge it.
And so goodbye.
Goodbye.
Mr Darcy returns to Pemberley.
I am to visit him there anon.
He wishes for me to clarify the types of wort in his meadows.
And to meet his sister.
Good.
I can learn to love him.
I'm sorry, it's just I see Jane and I You think marriage to Darcy would be like marriage to Collins? Look, in the book, you don't exactly hit it off to begin with.
Just keep talking.
From the talking comes the love.
Where are you going? Home.
Darcy! Not one heartbeat do I forget.
If I went away again, to Hammersmith, should you mind? It would break your mother's heart.
Then I cannot go.
You face a terrible dilemma, Lizzy.
If you return to Hammersmith, you will dismay your mother, if you remain here, you will disappoint your father.
I cannot cling to you all my life, Lizzy.
I am dressed as an adult.
Sooner or later I will have to comport myself as one.
The time has come for me to tie you well and let you go.
Miss Price.
Yes.
We should celebrate.
You asked me a question, I answered it, and we didn't have an argument about it.
I did not ask you a question.
I made an observation - Miss Price.
The confirmation of your identity was entirely superfluous.
As a result, we are now arguing about it and, therefore, you are wrong.
That's so sweet.
You're actually trying to make me laugh.
Yes.
It shall not occur again.
- And you're smiling.
- No, no.
I only smile in private when nobody is looking.