Lost Sitcoms (2016) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Bleeding birds! Go, get out of here! Go on, clear off! And it's Harold Steptoe! He's going for the record.
It looks like he's going to make it.
And he's done it! Thank you, thank you! I know, on my first race.
Dad? Dad! Dad, are you up there? I'm home.
Mademoiselle from Armentieres, parlez-vous Mademoiselle from Armentieres Hasn't been washed for 20 years, inky pinky parlez-vous I don't believe it.
Here! What's your game? Close them curtains! Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Dad.
I forgot, I completely forgot, it went right out of my mind.
What are you talking about? I haven't got you a present.
Present? What for? Your birthday, of course.
I'd completely forgot.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Father It's not my birthday! Not your birthday? Come on, Dad, it's got to be.
You're having a wash.
Happy birthday to you.
Very funny! I can have a wash if I want.
Well, you've never used my shower cabinet before.
I've never had half a tonne of soot fall on me before.
Bleeding birds! - Well, you're lucky it was just soot.
- Bleh! Well, now you're in there, how do you like it? Ah, it's all right.
Now, I don't want you to think that I am interfering, but I feel it might be much more efficacious if you took your pants off.
I am not taking my pants off for anybody! Someone might come in.
Oh, no.
Dad.
Not the washing up! We've got to use those! Well, there's no point in wasting good hot water.
You had hot water put in up here but not down in the kitchen where I need it.
It's a wonder you don't have your laundry in there with you.
Or your rubber plants.
Come on out of there! That's my shower! I shan't have dirty old men abluting in it.
I did not ablute in it! Come on out! It'll be like Southend with the tide out by the time you've finished.
We'll be able to breed a few thousand lugworms in there.
I've nearly finished.
It's good, ain't it? Better than that old tin bath.
How much did it cost? Oh, not much.
180 quid.
180 quid?! Just to have a wash?! You want your brains tested.
How much is that per wash? Well, that would depend on how many times you used it in your lifetime.
If it was yours, it would cost you .
.
90 quid a time.
Yeah.
But, seeing as it's mine and I use it twice a day, practically nothing.
In any case, I got a grant off of the council, on account of we're on the list as a deprived family.
Now I know the ropes, I'm going to clobber them for an indoor khazi next.
And the money I get from them can go towards my holiday.
Are you coming out of there? I shan't be long.
I ain't done my privates yet.
I'm surprised you're taking the chance.
Seeing as the effect that film Psycho had on you.
What do you mean? Supposing I was a homicidal maniac and I crept in here while you were in the shower and I pulled out a big knife.
And I crept up to the shower and pulled back the curtain and Get out! Go away! Your pants wouldn't be much protection, would they? Oh, Harold, don't! Stop playing about! No-one would know.
The blood would run away down the plughole.
Oh, stop it, Harold! It's not funny! The perfect opportunity to get rid of you.
I disappear without a trace, and then, when there are about 200 milk bottles on the doorstep, the police would break in, and what would they find? A bloodless corpse lying on the floor of the shower bath, surrounded by washing up and rubber plants.
"Strange ritual in Shepherd's Bush junkyard.
"Inspector Lestrade says, 'The man was a human sacrifice.
" 'We are on the trail of a gang of black witches.
' " They'd bury you in unconsecrated ground.
You're barmy! You're up the twist! What did you say? Ah, nothing, nothing! I'm not mad, I just want my mother.
No, no, no, no, no, no! You're frightened, aren't you? Oh, you've got a big shake on, look at you.
Come on out, dry yourself.
You'll catch pneumonia.
You callous little bleeder! I bet you're cold now, ain't you? All them layers of dirt gone.
Be like shedding your winter skin.
You were scared silly then, weren't you? - Petrified of dying, you are.
- Well, of course I am! Well, I don't know why.
You've had your three score years and ten.
You're on borrowed time as it is.
I can't understand why you want to hang on, to be honest.
I mean you've got no teeth, you can't chew your meat, your eyes are going home, you're too old for a bit of nookie Who is?! You are.
I don't see why you bother.
In a well-organised, less sentimental society, you would've been put down.
- Yeah.
- Or if you don't fancy that, you could always go in for the old cryogenics.
What's that? Well, when you conk out, they bung you in the deep freeze, and then, in 100 years' time or so, they open up the drawer, warm you up and Bob's your uncle -- alive in the year 2070.
Albert Steptoe -- interplanetary junkman.
The first totter on Mars.
Here he comes, hurtling through space on his rocket full of rubbish.
0100 hours estimated splashdown, Clapham Common pond.
What do you reckon? I'll put you in the fridge now if you like.
I can move all the shelves out.
What are you up to? What do you mean? I know you.
Whenever you go ranting about me being a burden and wanting to get rid of me, it's because you want to do something and you think I'll be in your way.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Hold on.
What holiday? - Pardon? - The money you're going to get from the council, you said you were going to put it towards your holiday.
- Did I? - Yes, you did.
All right, then, I am going on holiday.
I thought so.
Without me? Well, I wouldn't put it like that.
I'm just going on my own.
- Without me! - Well, if you want to put that interpretation on it.
Well, what other interpretation is there? If you're going on your own, you're going without me.
I didn't think of it as going without you, I just thought of it as going on my own.
- It's the same thing.
- Only if you think that we are indivisible! And I don't.
You are you, and I am me, and I didn't even think about you! That's nice, that is.
You spend nearly 40 years of your life bringing up a baby, and then they don't think about you.
I didn't think of you in terms of my holiday.
That's all.
In any case, where I'm going wouldn't appeal to you.
I'm not going for a restful holiday, I'm going for an athletic holiday.
You dirty little sod! There are other forms of athletics.
- When are you going?! - Next week.
Next week? It's the middle of winter.
There's nothing happening in Bognor in February.
I'm not going to Bognor.
We always go to Bognor! Well, I'm not.
I am going to Obergurgl.
Ober-where?! Gurgl! Well, I've heard of everywhere on the south coast, but I've never heard of Obergurgl.
It's in Austria.
What do you want to go to Austria for?! What's wrong with Bognor? Well, Dad, with the best will in the world, it is very difficult to go skiing in Bognor, at any time of the year.
Skiing?! You?! And why not? I've always wanted to go on a skiing holiday.
I've just never been able to afford the gear.
It's very pricey.
So I've been collecting bits here and bits there off of the round.
All I was missing was my ski sticks, then, this morning, I picked up these for 15 bob.
Look.
Where'd you put your feet? You don't put your feet on these.
These are for your hands.
These are very important if you want to Well, if you want to move, for instance.
I've got the lot now.
I've got hats and anoraks, trousers, boots, sweaters, all from some old bird whose husband was killed by an avalanche.
Well, not exactly by an avalanche.
Apparently, he saw it coming.
And was going 60mph down the Zugspitze, and tried to go around both sides of a pine at once.
Bit of luck he was my size, really, otherwise I wouldn't be able to go.
Look at this gear.
She had it all cleaned.
Not a bloodstain left on it.
50 bob, the lot.
Well pleased, she was.
Only been worn the once.
Now, these are my means of transport.
Look at that workmanship, huh? Feel that finish.
Racing skis, these are.
They're different colours.
Well, I'm going to paint one, ain't I? That one's longer than that one.
Well, I'll cut a bit off, won't I? Well, if you want to look a berk, that's up to you.
I am not going to look a berk! There won't be anyone better dressed out there than me.
Not even the Aga Khan, mate.
No, but I bet he won't be wearing welding goggles.
Oh, give me those back! You you had to pick on the one thing, didn't you? These are a stopgap, that's all.
I shall hire a pair when I get to Obergurgl.
Obergurgl.
It's a lovely place, Dad.
Look, I've got a brochure.
All the best people go there.
Society people, the jet set, international playboys.
Look, here we are.
Eight to 15 days for 23 and a half guineas, including air fare.
Blimey.
That's going to blow a big hole in the Aga Khan's pocket, isn't it? I suppose he's going to be flying out from Luton with you(!) Now, look, you.
If this derisory attitude persists, I shall have no alternative but to stuff this ski stick right up your nostril.
- Now, where were we? - Obergurgl.
It's a very beautiful place.
Look at it -- all laying out there on the veranda in its bikinis.
I can't wait to get out there amongst all that suntanned crumpet.
There's plenty of crumpet over here.
Well, I want brown crumpet.
There ain't no brown crumpets in England in February.
There's plenty round here.
We're the only white family left in the street.
Look, Dad, I am going, so you might as well get used to it.
I mean, I don't get much out of life.
I didn't have a holiday last year.
It'll only be for two weeks.
And what about the business? What business? We never do much this time of year.
Shut the place up.
Why don't you go away as well? Where would I go? Well, your sister.
You're always complaining you never see her.
Why don't you go and see your sister up in Stoke? Stoke?! In the middle of February?! It'll be crowded, I'd never get in.
There's some lovely countryside around there.
I am not going to Stoke-on-Trent in February! Oh, well.
I have made my suggestion.
You go where you like.
So long as you keep away from Obergurgl.
I wouldn't be in the way.
You're not coming.
Anyway, you can't.
Even if I wanted you to come, you can't.
And I don't.
I got the last booking.
There isn't an empty bed in the whole of Obergurgl.
I could sleep in yours.
You're not intending to spend very much time in it.
You're not coming and that's final.
You don't want to take me anywhere these days.
What do you mean, "These days"? I've never wanted to take you anywhere! I just can't get rid of you! This happens every year.
I've never had a holiday on my own yet.
The last time I went abroad on my own was to Germany.
With the Army.
And that was touch and go -- you wanted to join up then.
Everywhere I go, you're there.
Every time I turn around, you're there.
Can't even go to the bleeding lavatory without you waiting outside.
You follow me everywhere, it's not natural.
- I don't.
- You do! That's not true! Where are you going? See? I'm going to the kitchen, and you're following me.
No, I'm not, I I wanted to go in the kitchen as well.
Oh? Oh, go on, then.
I'll wait.
You go in the kitchen and I'll wait out here.
- See?! - Aaaah! You didn't want to go in the kitchen, did you? - You were following me! - Well, I thought we was talking.
Oh, I know how the horse feels now when she's sweating.
Doesn't matter how far she runs, she can't get rid of those flies.
All I want is a fortnight on my own with no flies buzzing around me, all right? Yes.
I understand.
I mean, if I have a good holiday, I might even be glad to see you when I get back.
For a few days.
I shall be glad to see you, Harold.
I'm always glad to see you.
I look forward to you coming home every night.
You're not coming.
No, I know.
Anyway, you wouldn't like it.
I mean, there's nothing there for you.
There's no whelk stalls, no knees-ups.
Even the bingo's in German.
- What's the German for "legs 11"? - I don't know! See? - You'd never get a full house.
- No.
But I bet you do.
Oh, don't you worry about it, Harold.
You go off and enjoy yourself.
I'll send you a card.
No, don't bother.
I shan't be on my own.
I shall go down to the cemetery and sit with your mother.
Yeah.
Well, I'll be off up to my room.
I don't suppose you want me down here, irritating you.
Oh, come on, Dad.
There's no need to be like that.
Like what? Well, you know Irritating.
No, you've made it quite clear, Harold.
You'll be off next week.
I shall try keep out of your way between now and then.
Well Goodnight, son.
I shall see you in the morning, if we should happen to bump into each other.
He's not coming.
He's not coming.
What's this? A bleeding flyover? It's a practice piste.
A what?! A piste.
That's French for ski-slope.
It's for beginners, so I can get on to the real stuff.
I built it myself.
Yes, I can see that.
It'll do for what I want.
What do you reckon? Very nice.
How does the horse get out? Oh.
Well, it's only for the weekend.
She don't go out on weekends.
I'll take it down on Monday.
Well, I've got to practise, Dad.
I've never done this before.
It's a very arduous sport.
You've got to be really fit.
I've got to get my muscles tuned up.
I don't want to be knackered out the first day there.
Waste of time building that, wasn't it? You could've practised coming down the stairs.
Don't be ridiculous.
The skis are longer than the stairs.
You used to, when you was little.
You used to come downstairs on your mother's best Sunday tea tray.
- Did I? - Yes.
And I remember one winter I brought you home a pair of skates off the round.
Then the horse did a leak, and when it froze over, you went skating all over the yard.
Yeah, not exactly St Moritz, was it? No.
I can't imagine the Aga Khan skating on that.
And now you're going off to do the real thing, eh? How times have changed.
Oh, yes.
Winter holidays are no longer a prerogative of the rich.
Everyone's at it these days.
The mountainsides are dotted all over with the working class.
Not that I hope to meet many of them where I'm going.
Read that ski plan brochure out to me again, would you, Dad? Page nine -- Hermione's diary.
"Hermione's Diary.
A day in the life of a ski bird.
"Nine o'clock -- leap out of bed and survey view.
"White slopes glisten enticingly under morning sun.
"Super party last night.
" Oh, yeah.
Go on.
"Big hello from my ski instructor, Hans.
He's really something.
" There you are, see, you won't get a look in.
Well, he can't have them all, can he? He's got to think of his job.
You can't have a shagged-out ski instructor, wouldn't last five minutes.
"Two o'clock -- big moment this afternoon.
"I skied down the mountain for the first time.
"Hans made it all seem so easy.
" Don't go on about Hans.
Get to the meat.
"Four o'clock.
Apres-ski begins.
" That's it.
That's where it all happens.
The afternoon booze-up.
That's where you sort them all out.
"Get invited by David -- he's a TV executive or something -- "to join him after dinner on a moonlight sleigh ride.
" Cor, sounds marvellous, doesn't it? I shall have me some of that.
Yeah.
They'll have to rewrite this for next year.
"Get invited by Harold -- I think he's a rag and bone man.
" You stand no chance, mate.
On holiday, everybody's equal.
And I won't tell them I'm a rag and bone man, I shall be a pop group manager, or in advertising or something.
I'll suss it when I get there.
"2.
00 am -- fell sleepily into bed.
" That's it.
That's the bit.
What? The snow round my chalet will be melted after the first night.
Right, here we go.
Hmm.
- Dad? - What? How do you turn round? Don't ask me.
You're the expert.
No, that's not right.
Oh, hang on.
I've got it.
Well, they feel comfortable enough.
Right, I think I'm ready for a practice run now.
I think it might be easier if you took them off first.
Yes, I think you're right.
Of course, at Obergurgl, you go up the mountain in a ski lift.
Well, I didn't think they'd have a bleeding great ladder leaning up against it.
Oh, very funny(!) Pass my skis up, would you, Dad? And the ski sticks, thank you.
I mean, you can see why I didn't want to take you now.
It's a very dangerous sport.
It's not for old men.
Here.
You're going to need these.
Don't want to get snow in your eyes.
Oh, clear off.
Pater, move away from the door hole, please.
Right.
Here we go.
Well, I'll be off.
I shall see you in a fortnight.
I'm sorry you can't come with me.
Still, it was a pity to waste a ticket.
Now, you have a nice rest.
I don't like to leave you on your own, really.
But you're going to.
Oh, yes.
Are you sure you'll be all right? I'll manage.
You should have someone looking after you.
Why don't you go off to my sister in Stoke? There's some lovely countryside round there.
Oh, get out of it! I'll see you when I get back.
I'll send you a postcard from Obergurgl.
Cheerio.
Dad? Don't go mad at it.
You know, don't go on them steep runs, they're very dangerous.
You you go out on the piste first.
Oh, I intend to, mate.
Every bleeding night.
Hello? Can you get me Stoke-on-Trent, 58437? Thank you.