Loudermilk (2017) s01e04 Episode Script

1 CLAIRE: Do you know how wrong it is to have a daughter and simply choose not to speak to her for eight years? You think I wanted any of this to happen? Grow some balls and go down there and see your little girl.
Hey.
- I'm your father.
- It doesn't change the fact that you walked out on your nine kids.
You had nine kids? Seven.
The twins weren't born yet.
- What's eating at you? - I wouldn't tell you.
Oh, okay.
- Go throw with the guy.
- What? Why? Come on.
You'll get along great together.
Seems to me like you've lost somebody Somebody you had feelings for.
You're good at what you do, Loudermilk.
Mm.
Think she bought it? Meatballs are ready.
You paid this little asshole to talk to me.
- Nah.
- You tricked me again! If it ain't broke [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
I love that one, too.
It's called "Oil and Water.
" 'Cause that's a bag of oil and that's a bag of water.
Neat.
There's an ironic sense of whimsy in all of Shoreline's work.
This one explores the duality of conflict that resides within the human psyche.
Don't you love when art does that? Mm.
Unfortunately, this piece has been purchased.
That is unfortunate for whoever bought it.
Honestly, I'd rather have shit and piss on my wall.
Come on, man.
Enough with the snark.
You're ruining it for everyone.
No.
I mean, right over there.
"Shit and Piss.
" For the dining room, no? Honey, let's get the fuck out of here.
All right, so, I told you guys about my old band, right? LOUDERMILK: No.
You managed a band? No, I was in a band.
Back in the '90s.
What, uh, instrument did you play? - Drums.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Seriously, what instrument? [CHUCKLES.]
Really, I was the drummer.
What did you need, like, extra-long sticks or something? Hey, uh, quit breaking his balls.
No, I'm not breaking his balls.
I would think that you'd need extra-long sticks, 'cause of the T.
rex thing.
I just used regular, 18-inch, standard sticks.
What kind of music did you play? Oh, real rock 'n' roll.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Back in '96, we toured on a triple bill with Dokken and Skid Row.
- Wow.
- We charted once.
- You guys had a hit? - Mm-hmm.
- What was it called? - "Boilerbreaker.
" Well, isn't that Sauced Puppy? Yeah.
You were in Sauced Puppy? Yeah.
Wow! You guys sucked.
No, no, no.
I liked that song.
[OFF-KEY.]
Boilerbreaker - Oh, God.
- Boilerbreaker Take it all in What's a boilerbreaker? It's a modified boilermaker.
Our lead singer invented it.
You drop a double shot of whiskey into a pint of beer.
So good.
So so, tell us about the groupies there, Roger.
You ever get one of them double blowjobs? - You know, like, two dicks, one mouth? - Heh.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God.
Check this out.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Can we let Roger finish his share, please? So, a couple of weeks ago, our bass player called me, and apparently, Sweeny's Ale wants to use the band in one of their commercials.
That's fucking awesome.
Well, back in the day, it would've been awesome.
But where I am now in life, I don't want to promote booze.
It's just beer.
Well, it's not just beer, though.
Brother Jay's Whiskey, and now 'Cause Sweeny's bought out they're making a drink that's beer and whiskey combined.
Hey, Roger, why don't you just let them use the song? Who gives a fuck? LOUDERMILK: Guys, guys.
This is exactly the point that I was trying to make earlier, okay? You all have to make decisions that are gonna make you feel good about yourself.
So you think I'm doing the right thing Turning down the 100 grand? Absolutely How much? 100 grand.
- Per guy.
- [MURMURING.]
For fucking "Boilerbreaker"? Well, come on, man.
Be straight with me.
What should I do? Look, whatever you think, okay? If you think you should pass, you should pass.
Maybe you could come with me, Help me explain it to the guys in the band.
Fuck, no.
Why should I be the one to tell them? You're the one screwing them over.
But you just said it was the right thing to do.
Yeah, well, it probably is, but, you know, the thing about doing the right thing is it usually pisses somebody off.
Come on, Loudermilk, please.
I really could use some help.
All right, let's, uh, let's wrap this up, m'kay? Good meeting, everybody.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
You wanted to see me? Yeah.
Look, I like your daughter, But you gotta get her off my couch.
Why? Is everything okay? Did she relapse? No, she's fine.
She's doing fine.
[SIGHS.]
Well, if she's doing fine, Then we should stick with what's working.
No need to rock the boat, right? No, no.
We need to rock the boat until she falls off the boat and swims to a couch on her own boat, okay? I was happy to help her out, but I got a life to get back to.
Not that I've seen.
What if I give you a thank-you gift to show my appreciation? Could she stay a little longer? Wait! You're going to bribe him? Stay out of this! What'd you have in mind? Well I could give you my husband's car.
It's just collecting dust in the garage anyway.
He can't accept gifts over $25.
Says who? You're just making shit up now.
You're a drug-and-alcohol counselor.
Taking expensive gifts from your group members Or from their families is unethical.
It's the same for me as a man of the cloth.
Bullshit! Like you paid for this place? And what about the pope? He's got a custom-designed super Hummer.
You don't even have a license.
What would you do with a car? He can sell it, for all I care.
I can sell it, for all she cares.
Yeah, I'll take the car.
And Claire can continue to stay with you? [SIGHS.]
Forgot there was a catch.
Yeah.
For now.
I'll have someone bring the vehicle by tomorrow.
Awesome.
[SIGHS.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[DOOR UNLOCKS, OPENS.]
LOUDERMILK: Hey.
Hey! [DOOR CLOSES.]
What you watchin'? It's, uh, "White Zombie.
" Yeah, it's like "Walking Dead," but really boring.
It's terrible.
Sit down.
Tempting, but I think I'm gonna go try and get some Z's before snore-a-saurus starts rattling the I-beams.
Look, I know I snore, but it's like a sweet little ladylike snore.
It's like a silverback fucking a badger without its consent.
Okay, well, I slept next to Wyatt for months, and he didn't say a word.
He was on heroin.
He'd have slept through a kidney stone.
Okay, well, Ben hasn't said a word.
- [TV MUTES.]
- Well, I've always been a super sleeper Since I was a kid.
You're not a kid, so don't say "super sleeper" again.
I think you have a medical condition, okay? Oh, God.
I think you need one of those machines that helps you breathe, like Darth Vader has.
A CPAP.
My dad had one.
Really? I'm that bad? Yeah, you stop breathing for minutes.
It's like David Blaine-level shit.
I don't know how you don't have brain damage.
Maybe I do.
Hey, I saw my mom's car in the parking lot.
What, was she checking up on me? Well, you know, I think, in her mind, you're on your own now.
Well, what'd she say? Well, she's glad to hear you're doing well, and she gave me your father's car.
What? Wait Are you serious? She gave you my dad's Escalade? The car he died in? What did you say? Yeah, my dad died in that car.
No, no, no.
The part the part D-Did you say "Escalade"? That's like a $90,000 truck.
Yeah, it's like $110,000 with all the features he added.
No.
No, no.
Your mom's not gonna give me a brand-new Escalade.
What other cars did your dad have? Uh, that's it.
I mean, she sold the Lincoln a while back.
That's the only car.
Actually perfect for you.
The new Escalades practically drive themselves.
It's like KITT from "Knight Rider.
" You won't even need a license.
Uh, yeah, you will need a license.
Oh, I won't need a license.
I'm not gonna drive it.
Probably just sell it.
What?! You're gonna profit off the car my dad died in? He died in it? I just told you that a minute ago! No, you didn't.
What?! D D Ben.
Uh ah Pretty sure I would've remembered you saying something like that.
You gonna let me drive it before you sell it? Yeah, if I get to ride shotgun.
Holy shit.
Um, I'm gonna try and get down before the, you know, lumber mill starts with the [SCOFFS.]
lumber milling.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS.]
[SNORING LOUDLY, ERRATICALLY.]
[SNORING CONTINUES.]
[SIGHS.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
[SNORING CONTINUES.]
You're out of toilet paper again.
Again? It's like you're single-handedly clear-cutting the rainforest with your asshole.
Oh, fuck off.
Hey, how was my snoring last night? Awful.
Terrible.
Worse.
Well, I guess you'll just have to start sleeping in your fancy new car.
Yeah, or you have to get one of those CPAP things.
Um, I would, but you need a prescription.
And when I was in boarding school, no one would room with me, so I looked into it.
Oh! So you know you have a problem.
Yeah, I do.
But I don't know When I started doing coke, I thought it went away.
Nope.
Didn't go away.
Okay.
Well Look, I'd go to the doctor, but I don't have insurance, so Sorry.
[SIGHS.]
Hey.
Sorry to bother you, but, uh, I'm fresh out of sugar.
Well, what do you need? Like, a gram? An eight ball? Or [CHUCKLES.]
Uh, is your Dr.
McDreamy here? No, he doesn't like to stay over when he's on call.
He hates waking me up.
Okay.
Chivalrous.
He seems like an interesting guy.
I'd like to meet him.
You met him the other night.
Well, for two seconds.
I'd like to get to know him, though, you know? Uh We should all grab a meal sometime.
I'm meeting him at lunch today at Marty's.
Do you want to join us? Yeah.
That'll work.
Okay.
Well, here you go.
Ah.
Better not be stepping on this shit, huh? This thing drives like a dream.
It's pretty fucking sweet, right? Man.
Smell the leather.
I think this is what Dubai smells like.
- [INHALES DEEPLY.]
- It's an impressive gift.
Yeah.
You should check out the bowling alley I got in back.
[LAUGHS.]
Seriously, the Blue Book value on this thing is insane.
This is the place.
[TURN SIGNAL CLICKING.]
We're meeting them at a car wash? Yeah.
They work there.
What's up? Billy.
[LAUGHING.]
Holy shit! Roger-Dodger! [LAUGHS.]
Is this your car? No.
No, it's his.
Hi.
It's my car.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, um, thanks for coming down to talk this out face-to-face.
I know things got a little heated on the text thread.
No problem.
Where's Maggie? Uh, he's right over there.
Yo! Mags! Hey.
Who's this fuck? You lawyer up on us? No.
This is Loudermilk.
He's a friend.
Pleasure.
Hey.
All right, then.
- Should we, uh, talk business? - Yeah.
Not here.
We're supposed to be working.
Pull inside.
Oh.
Okay.
MAGGIE: Make sure it's in neutral.
ROGER: Yeah, okay.
Okay.
Bring out the contract.
Show him where to sign.
I already told you guys.
I'm not gonna sign that.
I came here today as a courtesy to you both to explain why.
D-Do you know what? - Oh, Christ! - Mags, what are you doing? I'm getting this guy to sign the fucking papers one way or another.
Dude, relax, all right? Nobody nee The fuck kinda gun is that? You got a problem with it?! No.
No, no.
Hey, look.
I'm not here for a musket ball to the head, all right? I'm just supporting my friend Roger.
This is just like Wichita all over again.
You didn't shoot then, and you're not gonna shoot now.
Don't tempt me, Roger.
My life is shit right now, and I have nothing to lose, okay? And I'm really sorry about that, but I'm still not gonna sign.
Are we sure this is not gonna scratch the finish? 'Cause Help me understand where your head's at here, Roger.
I mean, what is wrong with us making a little bit of money off our art? They want our song to promote binge drinking and having sex with passed-out women.
BOTH: Blacked-out women! It's a big difference.
What? What is the difference? How are we gonna know if they're blacked out, Roger?! They're walking and talking Like everyone else! Yeah! Put the fucking gun down, Maggie.
Just Oh, for fuck's sake! Come on, Roger! Please?! This commercial could get me back on my feet maybe open a little pizza joint.
The residuals alone will get me off my cousin's couch.
You get residuals? Fuck, yeah! It'll double what we get paid.
We could make 200 grand Each! That's a lot of money, Roger.
I know.
But it doesn't matter.
Dude, you're the real deal, you know? I mean, you may die broke, but you're rich with integrity.
Shut the fuck up, you fucking hypocrite! Driving up in here with your fancy fucking Esplanade, telling Roger to turn down money that he needs! Roger Ow! Fuck.
Don't listen to this dick! Listen to your friends.
You could have your own Esplanade.
All right, first off, it's a fucking Escalade, all right? And I didn't do anything for this.
It was a gift.
Hey, you're the one who's always going on saying no gift comes without strings attached Except the gift you give yourself.
I didn't say that.
You saw that on a cat calendar or something.
Nobody's perfect, Rog.
Come on.
Just bend a little.
Fuck it! And so when I got the residency, I asked Allie to move to Seattle, And, lucky for me, she said yes.
And, lucky for me, I was able to find a sublet in your apartment building on short notice.
Yeah, I wouldn't call anyone lucky in that building.
It's like a big pile of asbestos held together with lead paint.
So, what about work? What'd they say? Well, they weren't very happy, but, luckily, Sotheby's has offices everywhere, so So it all worked out.
Yeah.
- Aw.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
So, how come you two don't actually live together? Oh, you know, um my hours are so unpredictable, so Well, and and we practically do live together.
It's just like he said With the crazy timing and me and my new job.
- Right.
- It it just Right.
Right, right, right, right, right.
So, hey, Dr.
Carl uh I'm sure you hate it when people ask you for free medical advice, but this isn't about me.
It's about the dirty little drug fiend who's sleeping on my couch.
Okay, um What's the problem? She's got this, uh, deviated-septum, sleep-apnea, possible demon-living-in- the-throat situation, and the snoring is just it's nuts.
I think she could really use one of those CPAP machines.
'Cause those work, right? Well, yeah.
Yeah, but she should see a doctor, find out what's causing the problem.
Well, I got a doctor sitting right across from me.
Yeah, a sleep specialist.
Yeah, that's not a real thing.
Here.
Listen.
This is her.
I made this recording last night, okay? Listen.
[CLAIRE SNORING LOUDLY, ERRATICALLY.]
Wow.
Yeah? Listen to this.
[SNORING STOPS.]
She quits breathing for 2 minutes and 36 seconds.
All right? Another time, it's closer to four minutes, but I-I-I just didn't have the phone handy to document it.
Well, I can see why that would worry you.
Oh, I'm not worried.
I just want to get some sleep at night.
I need to use the ladies' room.
Yeah.
Sure.
Look, I can't just grab you a CPAP machine.
That's not how it works.
There are rules and regulations.
Come on, you gotta have, like, a crappy old used one - [GRUNTS, COUGHS.]
- Laying around somewhere, right? Missing some knobs or it's a little moldy.
- Yeah? - [CHOKING, GAGGING.]
I think that guy's choking.
[BANGING TABLE.]
Uh [SNAPS FINGERS.]
Dr.
Carl! Hey Fuck's sake.
[CUSTOMERS MURMURING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[GAGS.]
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
Guhh! [GASPING.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Dude, you You gotta remember to chew.
What happened? This guy just saved my life.
He was choking.
Oh, honey.
[LAUGHS.]
WAITRESS: Not him.
Him.
What? Loudermilk? Hey, how is that? I almost ordered that.
It's - fine.
Fine.
Yeah.
- No? All right.
Look, the guy had it under control, okay? He didn't need my help.
Nobody's saying otherwise.
Well, you're both sitting there judging me for not doing anything.
I can feel it.
Thing is, I was doing something.
I was assessing the situation, waiting to see if I was needed.
- Really? -The guy was working it out on his own.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Nope definitely.
No maybe.
By way of "probably not.
" Will you stop it? The guy was fine.
How come his face was turning blue? It wasn't turning blue.
It was flush From coughing.
He didn't cough.
He couldn't cough.
He grunted.
Cough [COUGHS.]
Grunt [GRUNTS.]
- It's a big difference.
- Right.
Look, guys, the guy is fine.
That's all that matters.
Yeah, why don't you stop trying to be a hero, Loudermilk? Hey, I'm not a hero.
I just did what anyone would do in that situation.
Right, except me.
The only one in the room who studied medicine for seven years and knows exactly how to react in that situation.
Carl, come on.
Just admit it.
You fucking choked, okay? He choked, and then you choked.
It's all right.
Nobody's perfect.
I work in an ER.
I don't choke.
I have ice water in my veins.
Well, I'm sure you do In the safe confines of the operating room, where there's a whole bunch of other doctors and nurses around when something goes wrong.
Look Okay.
There's other factors to consider here, Loudermilk, okay? Doctors have to be very cautious when administering aid.
We can get sued.
- O kay.
- Happens all the time.
Let's just drop it.
I didn't bring it up.
He did.
[SCOFFS.]
Hi.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Can I get the check? No need for that.
Your meal's been comped by management.
It's the least we could do.
Oh.
Great.
That's very generous.
You get the tip.
It goes to 5, but never turn a CPAP up to 5.
My dad did that once He blew up to twice his size.
He was floating around the room.
It was awful.
My mom woke up in the morning, and she had to hit him with, like, a needle to pop him, and then at breakfast, he farted for eight minutes.
Holy shit.
Is that what I think it is? Yeah, it's a CPAP, and Carl brought it over.
Pretty nice of the good doctor, don't you think? No, I think he just did it 'cause he felt guilty.
Uh, why? Because he's sleeping with your imaginary girlfriend? No, we were having lunch, and some guy started choking.
Okay, and Dr.
Carl just sits there looking at him like he's a turd on a log.
Wait So what happened? Yeah, did the fucking guy die? No, no, he didn't die, but only because I had to jump up and save him, you know? Like, I've got a doctor sitting right across from me.
I've never even taken the damn class, and here I am I get up and I'm giving him the Heimlich maneuver.
So I guess he got Heimlock.
You just make that up? Yeah, it's when you're gonna give the Heimlich Maneuver, but then you freeze up, so it's Heimlock.
No? All right, well, they can't all be slam dunks.
I'm starting to think Dr.
Carl's not even a real doctor.
Oh, what are you even complaining for? You got to look like a hero in front of your lady friend And then we got a CPAP machine.
It's true.
- That goes in your nose.
- I know.
Do I look sexy? If I'm an elephant.
Wait Are you saying I'm fat? - No, he's talking about your ears.
- Hey.
[ERRATIC SNORING ECHOES.]
[SNORING CONTINUES.]
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
ROGER: I feel like a fucking moron in this getup.
No, y-you look like Andre Agassi.
You need anything? Yeah, can you grab me a Coke? I've got to drink something.
You got it.
Are you an idiot? How could you not know about this? They never had a video.
How would I know? Jesus Christ.
How does he even play the drums? I With his feet, maybe? [SIGHS.]
This is fucked up.
We have to replace this guy ASAP.
He's a poster child for fetal alcohol syndrome.
I mean, what's our messaging here If you drink Sweeny's, you become deformed? - Is that our messaging? - Okay, okay, okay.
What am I supposed to do? Just get rid of him! All right.
Hey.
Roger, come here.
Listen how bad do you want this thing? What do you mean? This commercial.
I don't want it at all.
But I can't let them down.
Why? He fucking pulled a gun on you.
That's just Maggie.
Forget him.
Just If you don't want to do it, man, don't do it.
Period.
End of story.
If it's not what you're all about I mean, I get it It's a big paycheck.
I get that, okay? I got an Escalade somebody handed me, and I probably shouldn't keep that.
I definitely shouldn't keep that.
'Cause it makes me a sellout.
Understand? Do I want to be a sellout for an awesome, tricked-out, luxury SUV? Hey, Rog? Can I get a word with you, please? Not now.
We're gonna do a quick sound check.
Just the first verse.
Sound check, everybody! Let's go! Sound check! [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
One, two, three, four! [ROCK MUSIC PLAYS.]
Boilerbreaker, boilerbreaker Take it all in It's only time till you make her Body's built for sin Owwwww! [DRUM SOLO.]
Are you fucking shitting me? This guy's incredible! This shit could go viral.
Yeah! [CHEERING.]
Boom! Yeah! [APPLAUSE.]
Oh, that was some wicked shit, my man! Let's get out of here.
Yeah? To take the car for one last high-speed drive before you give it back.
Did I say I was giving it back? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Rog! Where you going? Sorry, guys.
- I'm done.
- What? He's out.
He's not doing your commercial.
Hey, we have a contract! Fuck you! [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
Hey.
What's this still doing here? I thought you said you were gonna give it back.
I did give it back.
Boys.
Are you fucking kidding me? She gave this to you? Yep.
What about all that shit about you don't take expensive gifts? Well, you remember your pope/Hummer argument? Well, it carried a lot of weight with me.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
I was told I could find a Sam Loudermilk here? Yeah, that's me.
Meeting's in there.
It starts in 10 minutes.
I'm not here for a meeting.
- You're being sued.
- For what? For breaking my client's ribs while recklessly administering The Heimlich maneuver when it wasn't needed.
Motherfucker.
You know, if you hadn't taken that, you couldn't get sued.
Shut the fuck up.
I'm just trying to help.
You're not alone We're in the same boat We're skipping town We'll keep on sailing to the sound Of the wind dancing on the waves Ohh, the sound Of the wind dancing on the waves