Lowdown (2010) s01e04 Episode Script
Hart of Darkness
Can I please see you in the gents'? How am I meant to believe in us again if you're in there rooting my housemate? (WHISPERS) What's going on with Neil? ANDREA: The editor's sacking people.
I can only assume you've abandoned Zirco and are currently enjoying the harmony rejuvenation package in the hotel spa.
Trish has met a very nice bogan gentleman.
I'm getting to spend more time with the twins, so it's win-win.
(WOMAN SINGS) The monkey on my back Spreads his fingers on my neck And his soul takes control of me NARRATOR: Sultry singer Abi Hart has wowed the world with her warm, husky voice and '60s melodic pop.
dragged me down onto the deck This is Sydney's Sofia Corelli, down in Melbourne for three sell-out concerts at the Myer Music Bowl.
Discovered at 16 on the reality show 'Australia Can Sing', she soon rose to stardom by modelling herself on Abi Hart.
She sings like Abi Hart, she dresses like Abi Hart, she does her hair and make-up like Abi Hart.
She is, however, not Abi Hart.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Evening.
It's a nightcap compliments of the management.
Oh.
OK, thanks.
This is Abi Hart.
NICK CAVE & THE BAD SEEDS: The wintergreen, the juniper The cornflower and the chicory Well, all of the words you said to me Are still vibrating in the air The elm, the ash and the linden tree The dark and deep enchanted sea The trembling moon and the stars unfurled Well, there she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes again.
You know Max from the travel section? Yeah.
Woke up last Tuesday morning gay.
He was probably already gay.
Mate, there's no way that guy was already gay.
He was as heterosexual as you are.
And you are.
Yeah.
Sofia Corelli was assaulted last night.
Really? What happened? Someone drugged her and shaved her head.
Shaved her head? And one eyebrow.
That is weird.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, Alex, how sure do you have to be that someone's pregnant before you can publish it? 40% Great.
(WHISPERS) Hey, Alex, Max has decided he's gay.
(WHISPERS) Yeah, Bob said.
I was going to ask him to 'Phantom of the Opera' too, but now there's no point.
Hey, Alex, a new survey's come out saying three out of five Australian children are born out of wedlock.
Do you think we could get away with this as a headline? Look, it's been done before but no-one will remember.
HOWARD ON P.
A: Alex Burchill, my office.
Do you need me to go in with you? No, thanks, mate.
I'll be fine.
Alright, then.
Yeah.
Ooh, Alex, before you go in, in your article on Robbie Williams, you say, and I quote, "Robbie Williams the rapist lives in the valley.
" Now, has he actually been convicted of such a crime? The rapist? No, no, the word's broken at the end of the line.
There's a hyphen, see? "Robbie Williams's therapist lives in the valley.
" Ooh, thank you.
For a moment there I was thinking Robbie Williams was not only a rapist but the rapist.
Now I have learned he is not a rapist at all and I am very relieved.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Heard what happened to Sofia Corelli? Bald, one eyebrow? You thinking what I'm thinking? Abi Hart.
Remember how angry you were when the 'Argus' stole your 'Headless Body in Topless Bar' headline? Yeah, I actually stole that one from Steve Dunleavy.
Yeah, but if it was yours, you'd be angry, right? I'd be very angry.
Angry enough to shave off someone's eyebrow? Oh, shit, yes.
She checked into Happy Valley rehab.
I think it might be time for the 'Sunday Sun' to pay her a visit.
Great.
See if Cody's available.
Cody?! What about me? Well, it's a tough assignment, mate.
I need a hard-news man.
You're an entertainment reporter.
I can do hard news.
It's pretty wild out there - there's no tinsel and glamour.
I don't need tinsel and glamour.
It's very remote.
It's got a private airstrip.
I'll just take a plane.
Yeah.
You love your tinsel and glamour.
Mate, if you wanna be taken seriously, you've gotta learn to travel with the battlers - better stories.
I might be able to get there by four-wheel drive.
You're not gonna meet battlers swanning around in a four-wheel drive.
OK, so how do the battlers get to Happy Valley? Dinghy.
Dinghy.
Yeah, give Duncan's Dinghies a call.
Tell him you're from the paper.
He'll give you a good deal.
Oh, and Bob's going too.
Does he have to? He's acting really weird.
Well, you're gonna want someone with a bit of experience.
At least one photographer's gone out there and hasn't come back.
Really? Don't forget to mention the dinghy company in the piece - comfortable, nice way to travel.
Can't we get into trouble for that? Not if it's part of the story.
Alex now realised why Andrea's human-interest piece on the dog that learned to type included random and unexplained references to Duncan's Dinghies.
How long will he be? I'm not sure.
His ex-wife's in there.
Really?! Do you think they're giving it another shot? Well, they might be.
(DOOR OPENS) Pull them up, James.
It's not gonna happen.
Alex.
Trish.
Trish.
Bob.
You can go in now.
Everything alright? Yes, great.
OK.
(CLEARS THROAT) What have we got today, then? I just want a referral to the Happy Valley rehab centre.
And what addiction are you trying to deal with? Can't you just write a referral? Mate, I'm a proper doctor.
I can't just write referrals willy-nilly.
(LAUGHS) OK.
Um, I'm addicted to alcohol.
Really? Yeah.
OK.
And would you say that you lose time at work due to drinking? That actually has happened a couple of times.
Have you ever felt remorse after a night of drinking? Yes.
Do you drink to help overcome shyness with other people? Yes.
Do you turn to inferior companions and environments when drinking? Yes.
Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble? Yes.
Well, mate, I admire your courage in coming to me.
You've got yourself a referral.
Thanks.
Now, this particular gentleman has had some terrific success with alcoholism.
It's a trial program but the results are quite promising.
Hang on, we are still talking about the Happy Valley rehab centre, right? No, Lordy, no.
To go there you have to have an exotic addiction or at least be a celebrity.
Oh, well, Alex, when you sober up, all these little delusions will just fall away.
OK, now, you're gonna need to let your friends know so they can support you while you're drying out.
OK? Thanks.
You don't have a questionnaire about one's sexuality, do you? Uh, no, mate.
Why doesn't one just kiss a guy and see if one likes it? Yeah.
Alex noticed that from some angles Dr James bore a passing resemblance to Steve Vizard.
What's up? I think I might be an alcoholic.
Don't you have to drink alcohol regularly to be an alcoholic? Apparently not.
Hmm.
So, anyway, I just wanted to say goodbye.
Why? I'm going away on assignment.
Really? Yeah, it's quite dangerous.
Some people haven't made it back.
But you're an entertainment reporter.
What are you doing going away on dangerous assignments? I'm not just an entertainment reporter.
Are you going to Afghanistan? No.
But that would also be dangerous.
Right.
So, yeah, if anything happens to me, I just wanted to say I'm sorry it never worked out between us.
Ohh, me too.
(SOBBING) I think your tent might be crying.
Yeah.
Have you incorporated a sound installation or something? No.
No, it's just my sister.
We think she's a sex addict.
You think she's a sex addict? Don't have to broadcast it! Oh, it's just Alex.
It's terrible - she's lost her job, relationship's finished.
Hey, Alex.
Hey, Selina.
Good luck with your assignment and your battle with the booze.
Thanks.
And good luck with all your stuff.
Yeah.
(INSPIRING MUSIC) I guess it's time to go.
See you, babe.
Look after yourself.
I'll do my best.
I've never mentioned this before but I really like the film 'Cabaret'.
Yeah.
Doesn't mean you're gay, though, mate.
Oh.
OK.
You the 'Sunday Sun' fellas? Yeah.
I'm Alex and this is Bob.
Duncan? Dallas.
Lessor's made us wear these.
It's a pretty treacherous part of the Yarra.
Who the hell's Lisa? Abi Hart was a middle-class girl who landed a record deal and was told to get sexy, husky and Cockney.
At first, she faked it.
Then she met Brian, a small-time crim with easy access to crack.
Suddenly Abi went from having no cred to having cred and then to having too much cred.
Yes, it is possible to have too much cred.
Hey, Alex.
Can you rub some of this on my back, please? No.
Do you keep secrets about your romantic or sexual activities from those important to you? Yeah.
No offence.
And do you frequently want to get away from a sexual partner after having sexual intercourse? Y-y-y-eah.
Yep.
And have your needs driven you to have sexual intercourse with people or in places you might not normally choose? (WHISPERS) Yeah.
Yeah.
Shit, Bob, can you just stay put? I just wanna ask you something.
What? I was wondering if I could, you know, give you a bit of a kiss.
What? No.
Well, I just need to see if I feel anything.
Mate, you're not gay.
Don't be so homophobic.
I don't care if you kiss Dallas.
There is no way he's kissing me, bro.
Fine.
I'll just sort it out myself, then.
Good.
Do you frequently feel remorse, shame or guilt after a sexual encounter? Yes.
And are you in danger of being arrested because of your practices? Yes.
Well, Selina, you have all the hallmarks of a bona fide sex addict.
We thought so.
Now, this man, he's the best in the business.
Thanks.
Um, what's this down here? Oh, that's just my phone number if ever you need anything.
Thank you.
Mate, we're gonna do a recce, check out the security situation.
Watch those guards, bro.
They shoot first, ask questions later.
No worries.
(WHOOSH!) (WHISPERS) Hey, there's lan Norton.
(WHISPERS) Hey, Norton, what's the security like? (WHISPERS) Jesus! (PHONE RINGS) Just wanted to make sure you got there OK.
Boss, they just killed lan Norton.
Great! This is page-one stuff! He just looked really surprised.
We thought he was surprised to see us but he was surprised because he was dead.
Mate, I have nothing but admiration for journos who sacrifice their lives for a story.
I don't wanna sacrifice my life.
Yeah, but what about Neil Davis, mate? (VOICE BREAKS) Paul Moran, the Balibo Five.
They were killed in war zones.
I'm an entertainment reporter.
Yeah, I knew I should have used Cody.
He's fearless.
He would have already filed a story on the dead photographer and been on his way to Abi Hart.
See, what the boss doesn't understand is that if I die, sure, there'll be a circulation spike but after that, who's gonna interview all the celebrities? Norton's not dead, by the way.
Must have been a tranquilliser gun.
(GROANS AND SNORES) Still a dangerous situation, though.
Oh, yeah.
(SOUND OF FISHING REEL WHIRRING) What do you think, glasses or no glasses? Glasses, mate.
Gives you depth.
Why do you get to wear the white coat? Why can't I wear the white coat? Because Abi's not gonna open up to a maintenance guy.
Yeah, but she could open up to me in the white coat while you're in the overalls fiddling with wires and taking everything down.
What are you gonna say to her? You're no journalist.
Oh, so what, I don't know how to ask questions? It's a skill, mate.
I don't make out like I could take photos of her.
Though I probably could.
Oh, right, so I might as well just go home, then.
Seriously, guys, get a room.
You ready? Yep.
Got my lucky TARDIS to protect us from being tranquillised.
Good thinking.
Just give us 10 minutes, OK? Boys.
(FLOORBOARD CREAKS) Can I help you? Yes.
I'm sorry, I don't know my way around here.
Do I go down here to get to the patients? I believe they're expecting me.
Oh, yes.
Are you the new doctor? Yes.
Dr Wang? Yes.
We weren't expecting you till later this afternoon.
That's alright.
OK, I can call a group session to introduce you.
Actually, I prefer to do one-on-ones in the first instance, if you don't mind.
OK.
Whatever works for you.
Um, here is the client and room list.
(LAUGHS) Great.
Oh, perhaps you could let them know I'm dropping by.
Will do.
RECEPTIONIST OVER P.
A: Clients, our new psychiatrist, Dr Wang, will be visiting patients' rooms presently.
I repeat, Dr Wang will be visiting patients' rooms presently.
Please make him welcome.
(DOOR OPENS) Hi.
I'm Dr Wang.
Do you mind if I come in? Dr Wang? Yes.
You're Chinese, are you? My grandfather is.
Where's he from? China.
Yeah, but whereabouts in China? Just a small village in the west of China.
You wouldn't know it.
What's it called? Shin.
Shin Shinshin.
Jing.
Shinjing.
So, how are you coping with the withdrawal? Yeah, it's great.
I think I might get back on the gear when I get out just so I can go through this again.
Did you know research shows treatment progresses more quickly if you clear your conscience? I've got a clear conscience.
No-one's got a completely clear conscience.
There must be something you can confess.
No.
I've only ever brought joy to the world.
Alex detected a note of sarcasm in Abi's responses, and in his article, he would use italics to illustrate this.
Excuse me, fellas, have you got the time? Yeah, it's 1:30.
Oh, shit! OK, thanks.
In order to reflect a certain academic aptitude befitting his disguise, Alex decided to squeeze a six-syllable word into his next question.
Abi, I'd like to workshop a little scenario with you, something I do with most of my patients.
Say you're an 18th-century prestidigitator What's a prestidigitator? You know what a magician is? Yeah.
Same thing.
You come up with a fabulous act - the Vanishing Lady.
A rival magician studies how you do it, then goes off and does their own show, same act.
How do you feel about that? Alright.
Mmm, I don't think you're taking this seriously.
The rival magician gets the money and the glory.
But it's your act.
Your costume.
Your hair and make-up.
What do your other patients say? Most of them wanna take revenge on the rival magician.
Do they say how? Usual ways - poison, torture.
Shaving an eyebrow.
Abi, I'd like you to think of this space as a safe haven.
OK.
You know Sofia Corelli? What about her? Someone shaved her head and one of her eyebrows.
The girl who did this had curly brown hair, a big nose and glasses but it could easily have been a wig and a false nose.
And glasses.
Why do you think she did that? You seem to know everything.
Why don't you tell me? It could have been revenge.
Like, she wanted to teach the girl a lesson.
Be hard to prove.
My grandfather used to say (SPEAKS MANDARIN) What does that mean? I don't know.
I don't speak Chinese.
But I do know the girl who did this needs serious help.
Maybe you're misdiagnosing her.
Subconsciously the eyebrow represents communication.
The fact that it was the right eyebrow suggests that the perpetrator wants to be caught.
It wasn't the right eyebrow.
It was the left one.
Apparently.
Abi, you're in a lot of pain from withdrawal.
You're probably experiencing depression, anxiety.
But what you have to understand is the process of confessing is the most powerful thing a patient can do in speeding up recovery.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) (DOOR OPENS) Sorry, gotta check the wiring before the renovations.
I'm sorry, mate, we're in the middle of a consultation, OK? I understand that, Dr Burchill, but I have a (SHARPLY) What did you call him? Dr Burchill.
It's Dr Wang.
Right.
Right? Just do whatever it is you have to do and then please leave.
No worries, I might just check under here if that's OK.
Abi, this is a safe place.
There's no judgment here.
Sorry, I've got to check some wires, so you might experience a flash.
Are you ready to unburden? (CLICK!) Sorry about that.
Can you just We're in the middle of something here.
No worries.
Abi, the pain you're experiencing right now, it will ease, I promise.
Confidential, right? Doctor-patient confidentiality is something I take very seriously.
(OPENS DRAWER) (SCREAMS) I thought I heard you.
Are you OK? I'll be with you in a minute.
Is this for your Can you just get her out of here? I beg your pardon.
Oh, are you doing a story? I'm sorry, do I know you? I'm Dr Wang.
Oh, OK.
Um well, we're in room six when you're ready.
What story? I'm sorry, Miss Hart, I'm actually from the 'Sunday Sun'.
Can you confirm this is the wig you used to shave Sofia Corelli's head and one of her eyebrows? You fucking Don't you dare! Run! Wait! Stop! Will you be having lunch, Dr Wang? Yes, I will.
Thank you very much.
Boys, how you going? ABl: Security! ABl: Stop! Stop! Fucking tabloid scum! Stop! Stop! Start the boat! Get in, Bob.
Get in, quickly! Fucking tabloid freaks! (WHOOSH!) Fucking tabloid scum! Fucking paparazzi freaks! So much for his lucky TARDIS.
(SLIDE GUITAR MUSIC) Yeah.
No, definitely not gay.
Thanks to Alex's exposé, Abi was convicted of malicious assault and the 'Sunday Sun's circulation rose by 10%.
LBW! Bugger.
Well, Alex, it seems you're probably not an alcoholic after all.
That's a relief.
It sure is.
It says here you actually have to drink alcohol regularly in order to qualify as an alcoholic.
Amazing.
(PHONE RINGS) Dr James Sawers.
Oh, hello.
Ah, yes.
Um yes.
Yep, see you then.
OK.
Don't wait up, boys.
Someone's got a date with a nymphomaniac.
After successfully completing her treatment for sex addiction at the Happy Valley rehab centre, Selina went on a date with Dr James.
The evening started out promising but ended abruptly when Dr James got a bit tipsy and suddenly tried to undo her bra with his teeth.
Meanwhile, Sofia Corelli made a virtue of her bald head and went on to have a distinguished career singing anthemic Celtic pop songs.
(EARNEST ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS) (SINGS) But I spent this morning taking down your pictures 'Cause I spent last night looking up at your eyes And I'm trying not to Cry over you I'm trying not to Feel like I do But now I know It's true I remember when you gave me your affections (MUSIC FADES)
I can only assume you've abandoned Zirco and are currently enjoying the harmony rejuvenation package in the hotel spa.
Trish has met a very nice bogan gentleman.
I'm getting to spend more time with the twins, so it's win-win.
(WOMAN SINGS) The monkey on my back Spreads his fingers on my neck And his soul takes control of me NARRATOR: Sultry singer Abi Hart has wowed the world with her warm, husky voice and '60s melodic pop.
dragged me down onto the deck This is Sydney's Sofia Corelli, down in Melbourne for three sell-out concerts at the Myer Music Bowl.
Discovered at 16 on the reality show 'Australia Can Sing', she soon rose to stardom by modelling herself on Abi Hart.
She sings like Abi Hart, she dresses like Abi Hart, she does her hair and make-up like Abi Hart.
She is, however, not Abi Hart.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Evening.
It's a nightcap compliments of the management.
Oh.
OK, thanks.
This is Abi Hart.
NICK CAVE & THE BAD SEEDS: The wintergreen, the juniper The cornflower and the chicory Well, all of the words you said to me Are still vibrating in the air The elm, the ash and the linden tree The dark and deep enchanted sea The trembling moon and the stars unfurled Well, there she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes again.
You know Max from the travel section? Yeah.
Woke up last Tuesday morning gay.
He was probably already gay.
Mate, there's no way that guy was already gay.
He was as heterosexual as you are.
And you are.
Yeah.
Sofia Corelli was assaulted last night.
Really? What happened? Someone drugged her and shaved her head.
Shaved her head? And one eyebrow.
That is weird.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, Alex, how sure do you have to be that someone's pregnant before you can publish it? 40% Great.
(WHISPERS) Hey, Alex, Max has decided he's gay.
(WHISPERS) Yeah, Bob said.
I was going to ask him to 'Phantom of the Opera' too, but now there's no point.
Hey, Alex, a new survey's come out saying three out of five Australian children are born out of wedlock.
Do you think we could get away with this as a headline? Look, it's been done before but no-one will remember.
HOWARD ON P.
A: Alex Burchill, my office.
Do you need me to go in with you? No, thanks, mate.
I'll be fine.
Alright, then.
Yeah.
Ooh, Alex, before you go in, in your article on Robbie Williams, you say, and I quote, "Robbie Williams the rapist lives in the valley.
" Now, has he actually been convicted of such a crime? The rapist? No, no, the word's broken at the end of the line.
There's a hyphen, see? "Robbie Williams's therapist lives in the valley.
" Ooh, thank you.
For a moment there I was thinking Robbie Williams was not only a rapist but the rapist.
Now I have learned he is not a rapist at all and I am very relieved.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Heard what happened to Sofia Corelli? Bald, one eyebrow? You thinking what I'm thinking? Abi Hart.
Remember how angry you were when the 'Argus' stole your 'Headless Body in Topless Bar' headline? Yeah, I actually stole that one from Steve Dunleavy.
Yeah, but if it was yours, you'd be angry, right? I'd be very angry.
Angry enough to shave off someone's eyebrow? Oh, shit, yes.
She checked into Happy Valley rehab.
I think it might be time for the 'Sunday Sun' to pay her a visit.
Great.
See if Cody's available.
Cody?! What about me? Well, it's a tough assignment, mate.
I need a hard-news man.
You're an entertainment reporter.
I can do hard news.
It's pretty wild out there - there's no tinsel and glamour.
I don't need tinsel and glamour.
It's very remote.
It's got a private airstrip.
I'll just take a plane.
Yeah.
You love your tinsel and glamour.
Mate, if you wanna be taken seriously, you've gotta learn to travel with the battlers - better stories.
I might be able to get there by four-wheel drive.
You're not gonna meet battlers swanning around in a four-wheel drive.
OK, so how do the battlers get to Happy Valley? Dinghy.
Dinghy.
Yeah, give Duncan's Dinghies a call.
Tell him you're from the paper.
He'll give you a good deal.
Oh, and Bob's going too.
Does he have to? He's acting really weird.
Well, you're gonna want someone with a bit of experience.
At least one photographer's gone out there and hasn't come back.
Really? Don't forget to mention the dinghy company in the piece - comfortable, nice way to travel.
Can't we get into trouble for that? Not if it's part of the story.
Alex now realised why Andrea's human-interest piece on the dog that learned to type included random and unexplained references to Duncan's Dinghies.
How long will he be? I'm not sure.
His ex-wife's in there.
Really?! Do you think they're giving it another shot? Well, they might be.
(DOOR OPENS) Pull them up, James.
It's not gonna happen.
Alex.
Trish.
Trish.
Bob.
You can go in now.
Everything alright? Yes, great.
OK.
(CLEARS THROAT) What have we got today, then? I just want a referral to the Happy Valley rehab centre.
And what addiction are you trying to deal with? Can't you just write a referral? Mate, I'm a proper doctor.
I can't just write referrals willy-nilly.
(LAUGHS) OK.
Um, I'm addicted to alcohol.
Really? Yeah.
OK.
And would you say that you lose time at work due to drinking? That actually has happened a couple of times.
Have you ever felt remorse after a night of drinking? Yes.
Do you drink to help overcome shyness with other people? Yes.
Do you turn to inferior companions and environments when drinking? Yes.
Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble? Yes.
Well, mate, I admire your courage in coming to me.
You've got yourself a referral.
Thanks.
Now, this particular gentleman has had some terrific success with alcoholism.
It's a trial program but the results are quite promising.
Hang on, we are still talking about the Happy Valley rehab centre, right? No, Lordy, no.
To go there you have to have an exotic addiction or at least be a celebrity.
Oh, well, Alex, when you sober up, all these little delusions will just fall away.
OK, now, you're gonna need to let your friends know so they can support you while you're drying out.
OK? Thanks.
You don't have a questionnaire about one's sexuality, do you? Uh, no, mate.
Why doesn't one just kiss a guy and see if one likes it? Yeah.
Alex noticed that from some angles Dr James bore a passing resemblance to Steve Vizard.
What's up? I think I might be an alcoholic.
Don't you have to drink alcohol regularly to be an alcoholic? Apparently not.
Hmm.
So, anyway, I just wanted to say goodbye.
Why? I'm going away on assignment.
Really? Yeah, it's quite dangerous.
Some people haven't made it back.
But you're an entertainment reporter.
What are you doing going away on dangerous assignments? I'm not just an entertainment reporter.
Are you going to Afghanistan? No.
But that would also be dangerous.
Right.
So, yeah, if anything happens to me, I just wanted to say I'm sorry it never worked out between us.
Ohh, me too.
(SOBBING) I think your tent might be crying.
Yeah.
Have you incorporated a sound installation or something? No.
No, it's just my sister.
We think she's a sex addict.
You think she's a sex addict? Don't have to broadcast it! Oh, it's just Alex.
It's terrible - she's lost her job, relationship's finished.
Hey, Alex.
Hey, Selina.
Good luck with your assignment and your battle with the booze.
Thanks.
And good luck with all your stuff.
Yeah.
(INSPIRING MUSIC) I guess it's time to go.
See you, babe.
Look after yourself.
I'll do my best.
I've never mentioned this before but I really like the film 'Cabaret'.
Yeah.
Doesn't mean you're gay, though, mate.
Oh.
OK.
You the 'Sunday Sun' fellas? Yeah.
I'm Alex and this is Bob.
Duncan? Dallas.
Lessor's made us wear these.
It's a pretty treacherous part of the Yarra.
Who the hell's Lisa? Abi Hart was a middle-class girl who landed a record deal and was told to get sexy, husky and Cockney.
At first, she faked it.
Then she met Brian, a small-time crim with easy access to crack.
Suddenly Abi went from having no cred to having cred and then to having too much cred.
Yes, it is possible to have too much cred.
Hey, Alex.
Can you rub some of this on my back, please? No.
Do you keep secrets about your romantic or sexual activities from those important to you? Yeah.
No offence.
And do you frequently want to get away from a sexual partner after having sexual intercourse? Y-y-y-eah.
Yep.
And have your needs driven you to have sexual intercourse with people or in places you might not normally choose? (WHISPERS) Yeah.
Yeah.
Shit, Bob, can you just stay put? I just wanna ask you something.
What? I was wondering if I could, you know, give you a bit of a kiss.
What? No.
Well, I just need to see if I feel anything.
Mate, you're not gay.
Don't be so homophobic.
I don't care if you kiss Dallas.
There is no way he's kissing me, bro.
Fine.
I'll just sort it out myself, then.
Good.
Do you frequently feel remorse, shame or guilt after a sexual encounter? Yes.
And are you in danger of being arrested because of your practices? Yes.
Well, Selina, you have all the hallmarks of a bona fide sex addict.
We thought so.
Now, this man, he's the best in the business.
Thanks.
Um, what's this down here? Oh, that's just my phone number if ever you need anything.
Thank you.
Mate, we're gonna do a recce, check out the security situation.
Watch those guards, bro.
They shoot first, ask questions later.
No worries.
(WHOOSH!) (WHISPERS) Hey, there's lan Norton.
(WHISPERS) Hey, Norton, what's the security like? (WHISPERS) Jesus! (PHONE RINGS) Just wanted to make sure you got there OK.
Boss, they just killed lan Norton.
Great! This is page-one stuff! He just looked really surprised.
We thought he was surprised to see us but he was surprised because he was dead.
Mate, I have nothing but admiration for journos who sacrifice their lives for a story.
I don't wanna sacrifice my life.
Yeah, but what about Neil Davis, mate? (VOICE BREAKS) Paul Moran, the Balibo Five.
They were killed in war zones.
I'm an entertainment reporter.
Yeah, I knew I should have used Cody.
He's fearless.
He would have already filed a story on the dead photographer and been on his way to Abi Hart.
See, what the boss doesn't understand is that if I die, sure, there'll be a circulation spike but after that, who's gonna interview all the celebrities? Norton's not dead, by the way.
Must have been a tranquilliser gun.
(GROANS AND SNORES) Still a dangerous situation, though.
Oh, yeah.
(SOUND OF FISHING REEL WHIRRING) What do you think, glasses or no glasses? Glasses, mate.
Gives you depth.
Why do you get to wear the white coat? Why can't I wear the white coat? Because Abi's not gonna open up to a maintenance guy.
Yeah, but she could open up to me in the white coat while you're in the overalls fiddling with wires and taking everything down.
What are you gonna say to her? You're no journalist.
Oh, so what, I don't know how to ask questions? It's a skill, mate.
I don't make out like I could take photos of her.
Though I probably could.
Oh, right, so I might as well just go home, then.
Seriously, guys, get a room.
You ready? Yep.
Got my lucky TARDIS to protect us from being tranquillised.
Good thinking.
Just give us 10 minutes, OK? Boys.
(FLOORBOARD CREAKS) Can I help you? Yes.
I'm sorry, I don't know my way around here.
Do I go down here to get to the patients? I believe they're expecting me.
Oh, yes.
Are you the new doctor? Yes.
Dr Wang? Yes.
We weren't expecting you till later this afternoon.
That's alright.
OK, I can call a group session to introduce you.
Actually, I prefer to do one-on-ones in the first instance, if you don't mind.
OK.
Whatever works for you.
Um, here is the client and room list.
(LAUGHS) Great.
Oh, perhaps you could let them know I'm dropping by.
Will do.
RECEPTIONIST OVER P.
A: Clients, our new psychiatrist, Dr Wang, will be visiting patients' rooms presently.
I repeat, Dr Wang will be visiting patients' rooms presently.
Please make him welcome.
(DOOR OPENS) Hi.
I'm Dr Wang.
Do you mind if I come in? Dr Wang? Yes.
You're Chinese, are you? My grandfather is.
Where's he from? China.
Yeah, but whereabouts in China? Just a small village in the west of China.
You wouldn't know it.
What's it called? Shin.
Shin Shinshin.
Jing.
Shinjing.
So, how are you coping with the withdrawal? Yeah, it's great.
I think I might get back on the gear when I get out just so I can go through this again.
Did you know research shows treatment progresses more quickly if you clear your conscience? I've got a clear conscience.
No-one's got a completely clear conscience.
There must be something you can confess.
No.
I've only ever brought joy to the world.
Alex detected a note of sarcasm in Abi's responses, and in his article, he would use italics to illustrate this.
Excuse me, fellas, have you got the time? Yeah, it's 1:30.
Oh, shit! OK, thanks.
In order to reflect a certain academic aptitude befitting his disguise, Alex decided to squeeze a six-syllable word into his next question.
Abi, I'd like to workshop a little scenario with you, something I do with most of my patients.
Say you're an 18th-century prestidigitator What's a prestidigitator? You know what a magician is? Yeah.
Same thing.
You come up with a fabulous act - the Vanishing Lady.
A rival magician studies how you do it, then goes off and does their own show, same act.
How do you feel about that? Alright.
Mmm, I don't think you're taking this seriously.
The rival magician gets the money and the glory.
But it's your act.
Your costume.
Your hair and make-up.
What do your other patients say? Most of them wanna take revenge on the rival magician.
Do they say how? Usual ways - poison, torture.
Shaving an eyebrow.
Abi, I'd like you to think of this space as a safe haven.
OK.
You know Sofia Corelli? What about her? Someone shaved her head and one of her eyebrows.
The girl who did this had curly brown hair, a big nose and glasses but it could easily have been a wig and a false nose.
And glasses.
Why do you think she did that? You seem to know everything.
Why don't you tell me? It could have been revenge.
Like, she wanted to teach the girl a lesson.
Be hard to prove.
My grandfather used to say (SPEAKS MANDARIN) What does that mean? I don't know.
I don't speak Chinese.
But I do know the girl who did this needs serious help.
Maybe you're misdiagnosing her.
Subconsciously the eyebrow represents communication.
The fact that it was the right eyebrow suggests that the perpetrator wants to be caught.
It wasn't the right eyebrow.
It was the left one.
Apparently.
Abi, you're in a lot of pain from withdrawal.
You're probably experiencing depression, anxiety.
But what you have to understand is the process of confessing is the most powerful thing a patient can do in speeding up recovery.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) (DOOR OPENS) Sorry, gotta check the wiring before the renovations.
I'm sorry, mate, we're in the middle of a consultation, OK? I understand that, Dr Burchill, but I have a (SHARPLY) What did you call him? Dr Burchill.
It's Dr Wang.
Right.
Right? Just do whatever it is you have to do and then please leave.
No worries, I might just check under here if that's OK.
Abi, this is a safe place.
There's no judgment here.
Sorry, I've got to check some wires, so you might experience a flash.
Are you ready to unburden? (CLICK!) Sorry about that.
Can you just We're in the middle of something here.
No worries.
Abi, the pain you're experiencing right now, it will ease, I promise.
Confidential, right? Doctor-patient confidentiality is something I take very seriously.
(OPENS DRAWER) (SCREAMS) I thought I heard you.
Are you OK? I'll be with you in a minute.
Is this for your Can you just get her out of here? I beg your pardon.
Oh, are you doing a story? I'm sorry, do I know you? I'm Dr Wang.
Oh, OK.
Um well, we're in room six when you're ready.
What story? I'm sorry, Miss Hart, I'm actually from the 'Sunday Sun'.
Can you confirm this is the wig you used to shave Sofia Corelli's head and one of her eyebrows? You fucking Don't you dare! Run! Wait! Stop! Will you be having lunch, Dr Wang? Yes, I will.
Thank you very much.
Boys, how you going? ABl: Security! ABl: Stop! Stop! Fucking tabloid scum! Stop! Stop! Start the boat! Get in, Bob.
Get in, quickly! Fucking tabloid freaks! (WHOOSH!) Fucking tabloid scum! Fucking paparazzi freaks! So much for his lucky TARDIS.
(SLIDE GUITAR MUSIC) Yeah.
No, definitely not gay.
Thanks to Alex's exposé, Abi was convicted of malicious assault and the 'Sunday Sun's circulation rose by 10%.
LBW! Bugger.
Well, Alex, it seems you're probably not an alcoholic after all.
That's a relief.
It sure is.
It says here you actually have to drink alcohol regularly in order to qualify as an alcoholic.
Amazing.
(PHONE RINGS) Dr James Sawers.
Oh, hello.
Ah, yes.
Um yes.
Yep, see you then.
OK.
Don't wait up, boys.
Someone's got a date with a nymphomaniac.
After successfully completing her treatment for sex addiction at the Happy Valley rehab centre, Selina went on a date with Dr James.
The evening started out promising but ended abruptly when Dr James got a bit tipsy and suddenly tried to undo her bra with his teeth.
Meanwhile, Sofia Corelli made a virtue of her bald head and went on to have a distinguished career singing anthemic Celtic pop songs.
(EARNEST ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS) (SINGS) But I spent this morning taking down your pictures 'Cause I spent last night looking up at your eyes And I'm trying not to Cry over you I'm trying not to Feel like I do But now I know It's true I remember when you gave me your affections (MUSIC FADES)