Lucky Louie s01e04 Episode Script

Look at all these kids, huh? They are the future, Lou.
I hope they enjoy being slaves to a bunch of Chink robots.
So, when should we be at your 4th of July party? Around 6:00 or so.
We're going to have a barbecue and then watch the fireworks.
You gonna roast a pig again like last year? - Of course.
- Yeah, good.
Save the ears and the snout for me.
I'll do my pig dance for the kids again.
Ech.
4th of July is a goddamn farce.
Yeah, all the fake patriotism and all that.
You know it started with all those Founding Father guys blowing each other.
- Wait.
What? - Everybody knows.
They were a bunch of old queens with wigs on.
July 4th was the day they'd all get together in Philadelphia and suck each other off.
Well, I haven't read as much history as you but if they were all queer, why didn't they call the country, eh Gayland or something? They may as well have.
How gay is the name America? "America! Ooh!" Everything we know about those guys is a cover-up.
George Washington's wooden teeth? Ben Franklin knocked 'em out so he could give better hummers to John Adams and all those other founding fags.
I just like watching the fireworks.
Well, fireworks are merely an abstract expression of those guys shooting their loads all over each others' faces.
Well, I hope they start on time this year.
"Lucky Louie" was taped before a live audience.
All right, did we get everything? Look at all that food.
You're probably going to need some toilet paper.
That's $235.
15.
- It didn't go through.
- What do you mean it didn't go through? It says, "Insufficient funds.
" I don't get it.
I deposited my paycheck.
Well, maybe it didn't clear yet.
No, it did.
I checked the balance.
Oh, you know what? I paid the rent.
You paid the rent? Why'd you do that? Because otherwise we can't live there.
Okay, you know what? I'm just gonna have to - write you a check for this.
- We'll have to verify it.
Okay, forget that.
Okay, how do you want to pay for this, ma'am? You know what? I think I must've left my money in the car.
You guys have a car? Hey, we had fun picking it out though.
That was that was great.
L I'll put these back.
Okay, I'll I'll call everybody and cancel the party then.
- We're having the party.
- With what? There's gotta be some money around here someplace.
Hon, you're not gonna find anything in there.
What are these? Are these peep-show tokens? No.
They have tits on them.
That's Canadian money.
Look, honey.
We can still have fun on the 4th of July.
We can go to the we can go to the river and take a walk, watch the fireworks those are free.
We have to have our party.
We take the bus all year long, we never eat out, we share deodorant.
This is the one thing that we do right all year long and now we can't even have that, so what does that make us? - Well, we still got each other.
- Fuck that shit.
Hey, Walter, what's up? Oh, hey.
Got an extra smoke? Oh, I'm sorry, this is my last one.
That's all right.
- Oh, man, what a day.
- Yeah.
Did you have to work today? - Yup.
- On a holiday? That sucks.
4th of July is the worst.
Man, they don't pay me enough for this shit.
Yeah, I know, right? You don't know.
What do you mean? We have trouble paying our bills.
I know how you feel.
- No, you don't.
- Why do you say that? 'Cause, man, you're white.
You'll be all right.
Well, wait a minute.
Just 'cause I'm white Come on, be honest.
It's great being white.
Just that by itself.
I bet it's good, isn't it? Yeah, it's pretty sweet.
Sorry.
No, man, enjoy it.
If white people ain't having a good time, then what's it all for? - Hello, ladies.
- Hey, Nick.
Hey, we're fixing the pipes tomorrow, so you guys might want to give your dirty asses a good scrubbing tonight.
- Yeah, thanks.
- By the way, where's the rent? Oh, I'll pay you on Tuesday, okay? Yeah, you'll pay me Tuesday.
Long weekend, everybody thinks they can wait to pay the rent.
Shit.
I'm such an asshole.
My wife thinks we're broke 'cause I paid the rent, but I didn't pay the rent, I lied.
We're really broke because of this.
Okay.
It's Frankenstein.
- Yeah, I gotta get going, man.
- No, listen.
I bought this online for $300.
- No you didn't.
- Yeah, I did.
I buy monster stuff posters and dolls it's stupid, but now with this fucking internet, it's just too easy.
This is an original first edition Frankenstein, I saw it on this website and I thought, "Oh fuck, I have to have that.
" All I gotta do is click the mouse and three days later it's in my hand.
It's mine.
And it's exactly as fucking cool as I thought it would be.
You paid $300 for that doll? Yup.
And now Kim can't have her picnic.
See, I don't even know how to be white.
Well that's not white or black, that's just fucked up.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
You're home late.
Everything all right? Yeah, I was just talking to Louie in the courtyard.
Why do you talk to him? You know what he did? He spent $300 on a Frankenstein doll.
Oh my goodness.
You men and your toys.
What? Don't throw me in with him, I don't buy stuff like that.
What about your samurai sword? That is not a toy.
It is a cultural artifact representing a tradition of honor.
That sits on the top shelf of the closet - collecting dust.
- Okay.
We already had this argument, but if you want to have it again, fine.
Let's go, let's talk about it.
All right, let's talk about it.
When's the last time you got into a sword fight? I don't want to talk about this.
Hey, excuse me, do you guys buy stuff here? - Yeah, sometimes.
- Oh, well, um I want to sell this.
Not interested.
Well, this is an original Frankenstein.
I don't care.
I don't like Frankenstein.
It's a collector's item.
It's worth $300.
You saw what he did to that little girl, right? - That was just a movie.
- And I was just an eight-year-old boy.
Get the monster out of my store.
Man, I can't bring this home to my wife, she's gonna divorce me.
Just please can you can you just buy it to help me? Please.
I'll tell you what.
I hear what you're saying, I understand what you're going through.
This is what I'm willing to do: I'm not buying that.
Listen, guys.
I gotta make some money fast before Kim finds out about that.
I got an idea.
Why don't you go on the internet and sell monster dolls to freckled retards? There's gotta be some way to make some quick cash.
- No, there isn't.
- What about selling pot? That's quick easy money.
Isn't that why you do it? I oughta bite your dick off and spit it in your face.
Oh, man, what am I gonna do? - Just tell her what happened.
- Fuck that.
Look, all I need is a couple of hundred dollars so we can have the picnic, then next week she'll get paid again, we'll catch up and she'll never know.
So you're gonna lie? Why do you lie? So she won't know what a piece of shit she's married to.
- I'm doing it for her.
- Yeah, but if you lie, then you gotta lie again to cover that lie.
Pretty soon, you're in a whole mess of lies.
Well yeah, you gotta keep track of what you lie about and everything, but hey, marriage is work.
I can't let her know about this.
This is fucking heinous.
Why would anyone spend $300 on a doll you can't fuck? There's gotta be some way to fuck it.
- Hey, Louie.
- Hey, Walter.
Oh hey, how did things shake out with Kim's picnic? It ain't gonna happen.
I'm going in there now to tell Kim the truth.
Whoa whoa whoa, what is wrong with you? Well, I don't want to, but You know, I hate talking to you because you're a guy that either just did or is about to do some stupid shit.
- Let me loan you the money.
- What? No, man.
Look, man, you bought that doll.
That's your right you're a man.
Don't tell her shit.
- How much do you need? - Like $200.
- I think I can swing that.
- Oh my God, you're saving my life.
Listen, we're going to have money next week.
I'll pay you back.
It's all good.
Just enjoy your picnic and your doll.
- Where have you been? - Check it out! How much is that? - $200.
- Where did you get it? Mike has this friend that does landscaping and they let me fill in for the day.
Louie, this is amazing! Ooh, I can tell you've been working, you stink.
Well, listen.
There's still time to get food.
I'll go get the pig and you can call everybody.
Louie, you really came through.
You kicked ass.
I mean it.
We were up against it and the man stepped up big time.
Yeah, well.
- Oh, hey, Nick.
- Hey.
Listen, the bathroom above you is busted, so you might get some shit in your toilet that's not yours.
Don't flush it, 'cause we're trying to track it.
- Yeah, okay.
Thanks, man.
- Don't forget the rent on Tuesday.
- What do you mean? - He said he was gonna pay me Tuesday.
- Louie already paid you.
- No, he didn't.
- Yes, he did.
- Oh wait.
No, he didn't.
I'll see you Tuesday.
- Louie, what is - Actually, I didn't pay the rent.
What? What the hell is going on? Is that Frankenstein? - Hey - How much did you pay for that thing? - $300.
- Oh, man! - Jesus! - Look, I'm sorry, but I did look, I fixed it, I made the money.
I mowed lawns and made money, and now we can have the party, so there's no harm, right? I'm sorry.
I gotta get the money back.
I didn't mow any lawns.
Motherfucker! I can't believe this! Oh shit! Ugh! Oh fuck! Oh! Fuck! Motherfucker.
Cocksucker.
Are you ever gonna just Forget it.
All right.
Look, I've been trying to figure this out why this was important enough to you to pay so much money for it and fuck us over completely.
Because it is so awful, there has to be something behind it, - something going on.
- Yeah, well, here's Okay, here's what I came up with.
I think that you needed to buy this kinda like how I needed the picnic.
You know, sometimes people just need certain dopey things to get through the day you know? I mean, I get it.
Life isn't always that great around here, and I think that you have a kind of void in you that you somehow fill with this.
So, at least now I feel like I can understand where it came from.
There's no void.
Look, it'd be great if there was.
But there's just a lying asshole with a doll who ruined your nice picnic.
Please, could you just let me have the void thing? Okay.
I'm I'm sorry.
I'm really really sorry.
I can't sleep.
Hey.
I got you a doll.
Thanks.
And here's the certificate of authenticity.
- Hi.
- What is this? Well, we knew you missed out on your party, so we thought we'd bring the party to you.
Hey, kitten.
I brought one watermelon for the kids and one filled with vodka for us.
Oh, wait.
- So you told her about - Yes, I know about Frankenstein.
Man, are you stupid.
No disrespect, Kim, but you married poorly.
Mom, is this a party? Yes, I think so, sweetie.
Oh my God, look.
Come here, kids, you can see the fireworks.
Wow.
Wow.
God, that's disgusting.
My wife is making me sell this.
Aw, that's a shame.
Mmm.
Looks like 17th-century Hosokawa.
Mm-hmm.
It's in excellent condition.
Yeah.
I don't want it.
Why not? I said it looks like 17th-century Hosokawa.
That was made in Detroit about three years ago.
Used to be a hubcap.