Mad About You s01e04 Episode Script

What's wrong with this picture? What? - You're on my side of the bed.
- I know.
I thought we'd switch.
- Why? - Just for a change.
Why would you do that? I mean, where does that come from? Did you read something? No.
Just my idea.
- I don't know about this.
- Just try it.
Live on the edge.
You're way too madcap for me.
It's safe.
I've slept there.
Are you okay? Still assessing.
Good night.
How's the sun? Excuse me? In the morning.
Does it just hit you on the face lightly and wake you gently or is it more like a sudden, shocking burst ofday? It's just like here, only there.
Well, I'm just asking.
You know.
"Be prepared"-- That's my motto.
Do you have a motto yourself? "Never marry anyone more neurotic than yourself.
" Go to sleep.
"Go to sleep.
" I'd be halfway to dreamland if you didn't throw me this curve.
What am I supposed to think? You make a big decision like this you don't even consult me.
I'm a person.
I've got needs.
I have a certain way I like to-- You just throw this at me, and-- - The whole thing makes me uneasy.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
There's a right way, there's a wrong way.
- You happy now? - This is not my pillow.
Oh, come on.
Tell me why I love you like I do Tell me who Can start my heart as much as you Let's take each other's hand As we jump into the final frontier I'm mad about you, baby Yeah I'm mad about you Oh, this is pleasant.
"The bullet-ridden body was identified by police as 31-year-old Eric Gottleib who was found Thursday morning in the shower of his apartment.
Who's Gottleib? "Who's Gottleib"? That's your question? "Who's Gottleib"? Am I supposed to know the name? 'Cause I don't.
You're not supposed to know the name.
I'm just saying it's unbelievable.
A guy shot is his apartment.
What are you, new in town? I understand, but this is a couple of blocks from us.
- Are you gonna help me? - Yeah.
You know what? Maybe I should get a gun.
That's what this city needs: you with a gun.
I could learn how to use it.
They teach you.
- Don't you want me to protect you? - No, I want you to help me.
What? What? How can I help you, sweet woman that I love? Hold this.
For a long time? For one second.
Could you give me a clue what we're doing? It's a template for the couch I saw.
This way we can see if it'll fit.
- Here.
Hold this.
- I thought you measured already.
I did, but it doesn't look right.
Hey.
Take it easy.
A friend of my cousin was blinded by one ofthese things.
Seriously.
The guy let go too fast, it snapped up, took his eye right out.
That's right.
Slow and nice.
Nobody gets hurt.
- Could you lie on it? - I'm not gonna lie on it.
J ust lie on it.
How does it feel? It feels hard.
- Lengthwise.
- Lengthwise, it's good.
Okay, sit up.
That's us.
It's 60 inches, but I don't know if that's total width or between the arms.
- Total width.
- Really? No idea.
Come to the store and look at the couch.
- You're good.
- What? I agree to lie on cardboard, and you hook that into a shopping thing.
It's not a shopping thing.
It'll take 1 5 minutes.
- Hello.
- A half-hour at the most.
- So you figure two hours? - I promise.
Come here, sweetheart.
Let me explain something to you.
You should jot this down, 'cause this is really important.
Everything in the world takes four hours.
You got to go there, you got to do whatever-- eat, talk about where you should have eaten, and then come home.
That's four hours, minimum.
We could have been there and back by now.
And besides, it's Saturday, and I've got better things to do.
Like what? Like-- Like-- Why do I have to go? Because.
Because it's a decision we should make together.
But I don't-- You bought the toaster without me.
I'm still hearing about the faulty crumb tray.
It happens to be a hazard.
Oh, yeah.
You should get a gun.
I am unhappy already.
- You've been here three minutes.
- That's how long it takes.
- Ah, God.
- Now what? I think that lady with the cologne sample sprayed me in the eye.
- You asked for it.
- I did not.
She asked you ifyou wanted to try it, and you said yes.
- What was I supposed to say? - How about no? If I could say no, would I be here right now? Come on.
It's not that bad.
Smell my eye.
This is the best cookie I ever had in my life.
For $1 1 , you would think so.
- Where is this guy? - All right, I'll go get him.
Here.
- That's yours.
- I can't.
What are you giving it to me for? J ust throw it out.
- I'm not gonna throw it out.
- I won't walk around with a cookie.
I don't have pockets, and I won't put it in my purse.
I'm sorry.
I was in the back.
Well, I see you finally dragged him in here.
- Phillip, this is my husband, Paul.
- Hi.
Musk! I believe you were thinking about the tea-dipped I rish linen.
Take this.
- Those are so good! - Here.
- Really? - Please.
Thankyou.
- So do we love it? - We love it.
Let's buy it and go.
Would you come over here and sit on it with me, please? I'm gonna just sit.
- God, I don't know.
- What don't you know? I don't know if it's us.
I'm imagining what it'll look like in our apartment.
Do you have one with dog hair already on it? Maybe a couple ofthose hair things with the gold balls? Ponytail holders? I'm sorry, sir.
We can't do that.
They can't do that.
I asked him.
They won't do it.
I'm kidding.
We'll take it.
Wrap it up, put it in a bag.
I'm not sure.
I'm sorry.
I'm not sure.
You're unbelievable, you know that? You make these big decisions at work deal with million-dollar corporations, and you are stymied by this couch.
Because we're going to have it for a long time.
Hey, you're gonna have me for a long time, and that decision took 30 seconds.
Boy, did I learn my lesson.
Meanwhile, we're in week three ofthis thing and by the time we get it, it's gonna be an antique.
do you think we should get an antique? Because that's another way to go.
Rip out my tongue.
Look, everything we have is either from my life oryour life.
This is the first thing that will be from our life.
Honey, you're putting a lot of pressure on this purchase.
Because ifwe get the wrong couch, it'll be like we failed.
Every time we walk in the door,.
there it'll be, mocking us.
Remind me later to give you a smack, huh? - Tell me I'm wrong.
- You're very wrong.
J ust get the couch.
I'm gonna wait and ask Fran what she thinks.
Fran's coming here? It's Saturday.
She might.
This whole day is like a covert operation with you.
- I just want to be sure.
- I'm sure enough for both of us.
Let's get the couch and continue our lives.
You're right.
You're right.
We'll take it.
Wonderful.
As far as I'm concerned, it's the best love seat in the store.
- The best what? - The best love seat.
By far.
- This is not a couch? - No.
It's a love seat.
And the difference there would be what? Nothing, really.
Size, I suppose.
- It's like a small couch.
- Precisely.
But it's not a couch.
- It's a love seat.
- That is correct.
Honey, it's the same thing.
You would think that, but Phillip is telling me different.
It is a love seat.
A divan.
- Some people call it a settee.
- You see? So the one thing you can't call it is a couch.
It's a love seat.
It really is.
Excuse me forjust a moment.
- You're kidding me, right? - What? You care what it's called? No, I don't care what it's called.
As a couch, I liked it, and as a love seat, not so much.
Okay.
Can I ask why? First ofall, it's just a stupid term.
It's just stupid.
And second ofall, I don't need the responsibility.
-Responsibility? -Yeah, because you can relax on a couch.
On a love seat, I feel like I have to be necking.
You know what I mean? What ifyou're not home? I can't sit on this alone? - I can'tjust read a book? - You can sit with a book.
Ofcourse I can, but in my head I'm gonna know it's wrong.
I never should have brought you.
This is my punishment.
I'll tell you what would make me nuts: Ifsomeone was over, and I said, "Hey throw yourjacket on the couch," and they said, "What couch? Oh, you mean the love seat?" That would kill me.
- It would just kill me.
- That's not gonna happen! - It only has to happen once.
- Honey, I'm begging.
- Now my afternoon's complete.
- Did you get it? - We're not sure.
- It's gorgeous.
- Really? - Yes.
Hey, I like it.
It's like a love seat.
- Ooh, this is cute.
- Who do they make these for? What are they thinking? Ifyou're not a pencil, they don't want you to live.
This would look good on you.
Yeah, it would fit great if I could take my ass off.
I hope Paul's okay.
I told him - Really? - Doesn't Mark? Who asks? You know, Mark, this is time you never get back.
There are only X amount ofSaturdays left and I'm spending this one sitting on a love seat holding a pocketbook.
You got an emery board in there? - I'm gonna punch you in the head.
- I got this piece of nail-- Bite it off!.
Be a man! - Mark did that? - Yep.
It wasn't even our regular night.
- You're kidding.
- I swear to God.
How did you get him to do that? I bought it and I said, "Wear it.
" - And? - He wore it.
So what they do is they toast the sandwich so it has this nice burnt taste.
- Crispy? - Very crispy.
I don't know whyyou torture me, 'cause you know we're gonna die in here.
I'm telling you, the flavor explodes in your mouth.
It's like ambrosia, but with cheese.
I wonder if Phillip finished that cookie.
- That hurt.
You see that? - What's that? Those girls.
They're virtually naked.
Oh, yeah.
But I'm a gynecologist.
You know how many naked women I see in a day? But Mark, this isn't work.
This is life.
Two beautiful women walk by and leave a wake of perfume, you're allowed to look.
Oh, believe me, I look.
Oh, sure.
All the time.
But never in the office.
Because once that white coat comes on, the libido goes off.
Wow.
You can do that? I have to.
It's myjob.
I'm a doctor.
You're telling me that you wouldn't want to have a gorgeous young model as a patient instead of-- Oh, no.
From where I sit there's no difference.
Come on.
Let's look at some slacks.
- "Slacks.
" Who says "slacks"? - Slacks.
Trousers.
Forget it.
Trying on clothes is my least favorite thing to do especially slacks, because you've got the whole shoe thing.
- You know what you should do.
- You're gonna give me a loafer lecture.
You get a pair of loafers, you kick 'em off, you slip 'em on.
I like laces.
You can tighten and loosen.
You have control.
It was so passionate.
I just wanted to lie there quietly and enjoy it.
He wouldn't stop talking.
Paul's a chatterbox.
I was actually praying he would roll over and go to sleep.
You don't know how luckyyou are.
By the time I'm finished, Mark's in the kitchen making a sandwich.
I wear these.
- Did I really need to know this? - Fran loves them.
These are for men who live in Crete.
Could I askyou something? Would you mind trying this sweater on? It's for my son, and you seem to be the right size.
You know, ordinarily, I would.
I really would.
It's just that I am sadly allergic to alpaca.
- I'll try it on forya.
- Nah.
You're too round-shouldered.
- I'm round-shouldered? - I didn't want to say.
But this one here, you're a skinny-merink, just like my Barry.
Come on.
- Hold my purse.
- Sure.
- This'll only take a second.
- It'll be four hours, but why not? Don't be a smart-mouth.
So where is Barry today? Who knows? We don't speak.
Oh, my.
You don't have much ofa behind.
Sorry about that.
I like it.
Cranberry's very good on you.
Do me a favor.
Go slam your head in that mirror, please.
Don't slouch.
Stand up straight.
- You want to look like your friend? - No.
I think it would look good on Barry.
But on you, it looks-- eh.
It's not that he gets lazy.
'Cause actually Mark is as aggressive as he was before we got married.
- That's great.
- You would think.
Oh! My pores are out ofcontrol.
I don't know.
It's this light.
I lookjaundiced.
You know, the store does this on purpose.
They make us look as ugly as possible so we'll buy more stuff to cover it up.
- Clothes, makeup-- - Absolutely right.
A conspiracy.
I love it! See? What happened here? This light fell down and almost hit my friend in the head.
I was this close to a concussion.
Oh.
I am so sorry That's never happened.
Can we get you girls something? Yeah.
Two cappuccinos would be great.
And a couple ofthose big cookies.
Was I right or was I right? Have you ever felt a lighter weave? Never.
Hey, hey, hey! Some ofthat's not pants.
Here.
Try these on.
They're like butter.
- I told you, no tassels.
- Paul, tassels are in.
Get hip.
You know, whenJamie first met you she was repulsed by the wayyou dressed.
- She told you that? - Yeah.
I remember, I was examining her, and she was telling me about this great guy that she'd met named Paul who dressed like a manic-depressive psych professor.
You know, Mark, you used the word there, you got me a little stuck.
- You examined her? - Yeah.
Before I moved my practice uptown, Jamie was a patient.
- I never knew that.
- Yeah.
Fran referred her to me back whenJamie was working for her.
So when you sayyou examined her she came in for a verbal consultation, something like that? No, no, no.
It was an examination.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
She was in the stirrups when she told me about you.
- I n the stirrups? - Yeah.
- My wife? - Please, Paul, I'm a doctor.
While I'm going out with her, you examined-- Yeah, once every six months.
- You okay? - I'm fine.
Oh, God.
Oh, boy.
Oh, my.
You're hyperventilating.
Here, here.
Aw, geez.
Paul, just breathe.
Fran! Fran! - How are we doing? - What happened? You hyperventilated till you blacked out.
- I did? - You did.
-Do people know why? -I told them it was the delivery charge.
Did I buy these shoes? And the pants.
- I can never have sex with you again.
- Stop it.
The whole image ofyou and Mark cavorting.
You ever try cavorting in stirrups? Do you have to say "stirrups"? Must I visualize? - Sorry.
- I'm gonna have to have him killed.
- That's happening as we speak.
- What did I do? What did I do? I did nothing! Why would you tell him that.
You know Paul.
He's riddled with anxiety.
You just don't go telling him something like that in the middle ofa department store.
It was years ago.
I gave her a pap smear.
It's not like I enjoyed it.
Mark David Devanow, you're being dumb, dumb, dumb.
What should I do, huh? What should I do? How can I improve unless you tell me what to do? You're gonna give Paul a big, fat apology.
And return these slacks.
They're hideous.
I'm trying on slacks with the man and he drops this bombshell on me so now I'm supposed to socialize with these people? Would you feel better if it was you instead of me? - What do you mean? - Go show Fran your penis.
Get away.
What? We'll be even.
You'll feel better.
- Stop it.
- Do it.
I don't want to show Fran my penis.
I don't want to show Stan my Zenith.
I'm not gonna.
This is why I don't want to come here-- Bad things happen to me in department stores.
Oh, my God, you've suffered so.
I have.
Don't make fun.
Especially today.
All right, all right.
I owe you one.
Not one, four.
Two.
Three.
One: I ain't going to your Aunt Carol's birthday luau.
Two: I am going to theJet game Sunday with Selby.
And three I'm gonna keep in reserve.
For what? For whatever I want whenever I want it.
You know I'll never approve that.
Why can't you do these things without me? You know what you want.
You don't listen to me anyway.
Why do you need me here? Because I like to be with you.
Okay.
I'll take you to theJet game but I'm still not going to the luau.
Fine.
More poi for me.
Come on.
We're going to the Lower East Side to look at linen.
-You'll need pillows for this love seat.
-Couch.
Paul likes to call it a couch.
It doesn't matter.
We're not buying it.
Once you get the right pillows, you can get the couch to match.
You three go and have fun.
No, Paul, no.
We'll go shopping.
No slacks, okay? And then afterwards we'll go for a nice, leisurely dinner, and we'll talk things out, okay? Mark, I'm fine.
I really am.
Please come with us.
- Okay, I'll go.
- Great.
And dinner's on me.
And Paul, did I mention there's always a nurse present whenever a patient is in the stirrups.
Mark!