Mad Love s01e04 Episode Script

If you're unfortunate enough to be in a relationship that lasts longer than a week, you're bound to hit some milestones.
Some of them are small.
This splitting sandwiches thing is genius.
The only thing better than a pastrami sandwich is pastrami and roast beef together.
Oh, my God, we just invented the - Pastrambeef sandwich! - Proastrambi sandwich! And some milestones are a bit more Milestone-y.
We have to remember this for my sister Julia, she would love pastrambeef.
I'm so happy you're finally gonna meet her.
I couldn't be more excited.
You know he actually means that? He's the only guy I know who likes meeting the family.
Well, what can I say? I'm a Family's wet dream? Not what I was going to say.
But I do tend to wow the relatives.
So what are you and Julia gonna do? Well first off, obviously we're gonna go see Annie.
She loves that show.
Annie? I thought you said Julia was 25.
Annie is a treat for kids ages 5 to 95.
This is very true.
I'm a fan.
Again, he's not lying.
Listen, I think your sister might be more interested in the Larry Munsch New York experience.
Sorry, Larry, we already have a Hooters where we grew up.
Besides, Julia's gonna want to do things she can't do in a small town.
Like climb a skyscraper, or go to a sporting event.
Or talk to a Jewish person.
I should probably talk to you about something before my sister gets here.
Julia's always been a little shy and awkward.
She got picked on a lot growing up.
They called her "four eyes" and "brace face" and "dumbo.
" Does she have big ears? No, she just always wore a dumbo shirt.
Anyway, I've kind of always had to look out for her.
She is lucky to have you.
My older siblings used to beat me up a lot.
Well, brothers are different.
YeahBrothers.
Oh, my God.
She's here.
- Hi! - Oh, my God.
Thank God you finally made it.
Did you have any trouble finding the driver I sent you? No, no, but I tipped him and I sent him on his way, because I really wanted the whole New York experience.
So I hopped on the subway to grand central, and then I hailed a cab from there, and then just now outside I pretended I didn't hear a homeless man when he asked me for money.
Oh, you must be Ben! - Hi.
- Hi.
Yay! I know.
Same old dumbo.
okay, we should probably finish our drinks and go.
We do not want to be late for the greatest musical of all time.
All: Annie.
I'm so sorry, you guys.
I could only get three tickets.
- Annie sucks.
- Eh Larry would you come help me close out my tab? - Lar - All right.
If I'm gonna make a good impression on Kate's sister, it probably wouldn't hurt if you didn't make fun of her favorite musical.
How about Kate's sister? I'd definitely hit that.
It means I'd have sex with her.
I know what it means.
Focus on something else.
Ben, I'm not a toddler, okay? You can't just divert my attention from one AhHello, pretty lady.
Hi.
So what are we gonna do while I'm here? I hear the bars stay open till, like, 4:00 A.
M.
They do, but we're gonna need our sleep because I have a very ambitious museum schedule planned for tomorrow.
And then maybe you two can do something a little more Fun.
Totally.
We are spending the afternoon at the central park zoo.
What? Does that not sound like fun? No, that sounds great! I have the sweetest sister in the whole wide world.
Oh, really? Keep walking, pal! Thank you.
All right, well, we should probably get going.
We don't wanna miss "maybe.
" Or whatever the opening number is.
Oh, no, no, don't come over here.
Hey.
So what's going on? You just having a little chitchat with all of your friends? Hi.
Hey.
What about your new friend? Why don't we invite her over here? She'll come around.
Unless she does first.
Hello, lipstick.
Yeah, call her that.
She'll be blown away by your cleverness.
Actually, I am having a bit of an off night.
Listen, what do you say you and I join forces, huh? Bit of a wingman scenario, or in your case, a wingwo Mm, no, I had it right the first time.
Okay.
I'll do this.
But here's how it's gonna go.
See that guy behind you? Don't look now, dumbass.
I'll help you hook up with her if you help me with him.
He looks like a douche.
Fine, forget it.
All right, no, no, no.
Listen, of course I'll help you.
I will, okay? 'Cause you know, your poor taste in men shouldn't slow us down.
What's important is that we're out here helping each other What's the phrase I'm looking for? Find companionship? Yeah.
Find companionship.
That's what we'll pretend we're doing.
Okay, Julia, if we get separated, we'll meet right over there at will call.
Ooh, programs! Ooh, we could add them to the collection! Okay, grab me one too, if youYeah.
Pretty excited, huh? If I hear "tomorrow" one more time, I'm gonna slit my wrists.
That's kinda dark.
I thought you liked this show.
When I was ten.
I'm a grown-up now.
I'm in the most exciting city in the world.
Listening to some curly-haired kid screech for three hours is the last thing that I want to do.
- Got the programs.
- Yay! Oh, it's about to start.
I wonder if Sandy's gonna be played by a real dog.
Ooh, I hope so! Very dark.
All right, she's back.
What's the plan? Okay, here's what you do.
Go up to her and ask her for the time.
- The time? - Yeah.
Yeah.
No, thank you.
I'll stick with my tortured astronaut routine.
Damn this universe.
Wow, you need me a lot more than I need you.
- Mm-mm.
- Just ask her for the time.
All right, okay.
Fine.
It's not gonna work.
Pardon me, could I trouble you for the time? Yes.
She wants to have my children.
Watch and learn.
Hey, excuse me.
That guy you were just talking to, are you two together? No, why? Well, I wanted to talk to him, but I wanted to make sure he was single first.
- Oh.
- Thanks.
Hi.
I'm Connie.
Can I join you? What is the matter with you? Just act like we've never met.
That is a nice thought.
What are we doing? Well, my words are telling you that you repulse me.
But my big smile and my flirtatious hair flip are telling her that another woman is interested in you.
I'm going to laugh now.
But don't think it's because I find you amusing.
She's looking over here.
You see, the key to women is they want what other women have.
You don't have me.
Which is a relief, because if I did, I'd know I'd hit rock bottom.
Now pretend you're telling me that you're not interested.
I'm not interested.
Seriously, get away from me.
Go, go.
Not interested.
Holy crap.
Well, we got through act one.
Barely.
It was all I could do not to throw myself off the balcony.
Oh, I know.
This production is a joke.
ButThat's not what you meant.
The bar was fun.
I wish we could go back there.
If you really don't want to be here, why don't you just tell Kate? Because every time I say something to her, all she hears is a ten-year-old little girl talking.
I'm sure Kate just wants you to have a good time.
Tell her how you feel.
I'll back you up.
Maybe you're right, Ben.
You know, you're quickly becoming my favorite of Kate's boyfriends.
Well, that That is not my goal.
But if it happens, so be it.
Okay, who thinks she's gonna end up with daddy warbucks? Kate, um, Julia has something that she would like to tell you.
Ben has a migraine and wants to go home.
Pardon? - Really, Ben? - I He didn't want to say anything, but it's really, really bad.
Right, Ben? Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna go freshen up in the ladies' room.
Don't go anywhere.
Okay.
So? I'm impressed, you know? And now it is your turn.
Here comes your guy.
Stand back and watch the master.
Excuse me, hey.
This girl likes you.
That's it? MmAfraid so.
Connie, Larry.
- Hey.
- Hi.
The show's over already? No, Ben got a migraine, which mysteriously cleared up in the cab.
Well, you guys came to the right place.
It's a meat market in here, and the price of Larry's bone-in rib eye is through the roof.
I want to get out of here so badly.
Me too.
This place is such a scene on Saturdays.
Why don't we just go home? But I've never even seen a scene.
Do you care if I just stay for one drink? I can't leave if you don't.
No, go ahead.
I'll keep an eye on her.
- Really? - Yeah, sure.
She couldn't be in better hands.
Are you sure you wanna stay? I have your favorite ice cream at home.
Oh, you do? Huh, well, this is a tough one.
Well, maybe I'll just stay for 30 minutes, and then I'll come home to some rocky road.
Okay.
Bye.
All right, let's do some shots.
I'm all set, thank you.
Tonight is gonna be a big night.
Julia.
Larry.
What the hell is going on here? Do you mind? Some of us are trying to sleep.
Shoot! Larry, you're not supposed to still be here! Oh, dear God.
What have you done? Well, Connie.
You see, when a man and a woman like each other very much, or don't even know each other at all, they My God! Do you have any idea what Katie's gonna do if she comes out here and finds you? I'm sorry.
I fell asleep! We did have quite a long lovemaking session.
Would you please get out of here? And for the love of God, close the flap of your boxer shorts.
Interesting your eyes went there.
Larry, what the hell are you doing? - Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, no! - Oh, yes! No, no, no! No, this cannot have happened.
I told KateI told Kate Julia was in good hands! She was.
Oh, God.
If Kate finds out If Kate finds out I let this happen, she willShe will stab me with the nearest sharp object.
- Kate! - Hi.
What's Larry doing here? Connie slept with Larry.
What? - What? - What? Yup! ThatThatThat That is exactly what happened! Wow! Right, Larry? Uh Right, Larry? Yes.
I am in shock.
Me too.
I have so many questions.
Me too.
Although I guess maybe I shouldn't be surprised.
I mean, the way you two go at it, there's gotta be something underneath that.
Well, listen, I'm gonna go into the kitchen.
You should come, Larry.
We'll get some bagels.
There are bagels here? Why didn't anybody say anything? Okay.
All right.
Let's hit up those bagels.
There are no bagels, you idiot! How did this happen? I watched her the entire night.
Don't blame yourself It was out of your hands the moment Julie laid eyes on me.
Julia.
Julia.
Yeah, all right.
So, uh, listen.
The point is, that if a woman wants the Larry Munsch experience, ain't nothing gonna stop her.
Well, something seemed to stop the other girl you were talking to last night.
Well, it turns out she had a boyfriend.
But, using Connie's trick, I asked her to make it look like I was rejecting her.
Which then caught the eye of JenJu Julia.
Yes.
And although you tried your best to keep us apart, when a woman yearns for something with such Yearning.
She finds a way.
She did that? Now the five button won't work.
And then she slipped me her number.
And then something else.
Her tongue was the other thing.
Man, she was the one person in that bar who was off-limits and you couldn't leave her alone.
I don't understand what the big deal is.
It was just two consenting adults giving each other pleasure.
- Oh, God.
- Great pleasure.
Okay, look, you cannot screw this up for me.
As far as the world is concerned, you were with Connie.
That is not fair! I slept with that hot girl, and you want me to pretend I slept with Connie? That's like going to see led zeppelin and telling everybody I saw Styx! You are going to go out there, tell Connie that you had a lovely evening, grab your stuff, and leave.
Fine, fine.
But Are you sure there are no bagels here? I can't believe this.
This is like finding out that the Yankees slept with the Red Sox.
How did it start? She booty called him.
You booty called him? I booty called him.
You slut! What did you say? I don't know.
Oh, come on.
I said, "Larry, it's Connie.
I want your booty in my bed.
So get it over here before I fall asleep.
" - Well, Larry's gotta go.
- Wait, no, no! We were just hearing about the booty call.
The booty call? You know, the one Connie made to you.
Last night.
Yes.
The booty call.
Uh-huh.
Well, what did you think when she called? Oh, God.
Oh, so many things.
I think the main one was that it was inevitable.
She's wanted me since the moment she laid eyes on me.
Okay.
Bye, Larry.
Yeah, but if I'd known how disappointing it would be, I might not have wanted you so much.
Really? You seemed pretty satisfied at the time.
Yeah, I'm the first woman who ever faked an orgasm.
Well, I may be the first man who ever faked an orgasm.
Faked it pretty quick.
Really? Oh, you know what, guys? I Thank you For a wonderful evening.
I'm outta here.
Wait, why is your sweatshirt in Julia's bed? Oh, come on! What is the matter with you people? Listen, Kate.
I didn't sleep with Connie last night.
I slept with Julia.
Julia, is this true? Oh, my God.
Um, I don't even know where to start.
Uh, Connie? You lied to me.
Larry, shame on you.
And Julia - Go to your room.
- Kate.
Just go, young lady.
You know what, Kate? I'm glad you found out I slept with Larry.
Because I'm not a little kid anymore, and you need to stop treating me like one! You'll need a jacket! You were supposed to keep an eye on her.
What the hell happened? Kate If a woman wants the Larry Munsch experience Ain't nothing gonna stop her.
You know what? I don't really want to look at any of you right now.
I hope you're happy, Larry.
Of course I'm happy.
I had sex with Kate's sister.
Kate still hasn't come out of her room.
I understand why she's pissed at you guys.
I justI don't know what it is that I did Twice.
Gross.
Hi.
Oh, hey.
There you are.
I just wanted to come say good-bye to you all.
Listen, Julia, I just wanted to remind you that what we did last night, that was a one-time thing.
Unless you wanna do it again.
Uh, I'll have to take a rain check on that.
But when I get back in town, I'll come find you.
That shouldn't be too hard.
He shows up on Google maps.
Bye.
Listen, Julia.
Can I, um, can I talk to you for a second? Can I have a shot, please? We're good on the shot.
Listen Um, don't leave without making up with Kate.
The only reason I lied to her is because I'm an adult.
And she flips out every time I act like one.
Being an adult isn't just doing things that you're not allowed to do when you're a kid.
It's taking responsibility.
It's being considerate of other people's feelings.
It's voting.
You know what? You guys make a great couple.
She's the overbearing mom, and you're the lecturing dad.
She thinks Kate and I make a great couple.
I've just come to get my stuff.
Plus, Ben already lectured me, so I really don't need to hear anything else.
Well, um, you're gonna hear one more thing.
Not if I do this.
La, la, la, la, la, la I'm sorry that I treated you like a child! Because you're not a child.
Obviously.
What'd you just say? I said I'm sorry.
I was just sitting here thinking about the day that I left for college.
The last thing I saw was you standing up in that tree house waving.
I guess that's what I still see when I think about you.
But, Kate, I'm not that little girl anymore.
I know that.
Because, if you were, Larry would be in jail right now.
Look, why don't we spend your last day here doing something that you really want to do? Name it, something adult.
We can go to a club.
We can take drugs.
Or how about we just sit and talk? And have some of that ice cream you were talking about? Wow, I would really, really love that.
UmExcept we're out of ice cream.
Oh, nice work.
He's totally into you.
Please go away.
You know, I don't know why you are always looking elsewhere, when you've got something right in front of you.
Who, Jared? I tried that.
He's gay.
No, I'm saying that, over the last couple of days, there's been a lot of talk about you and I getting intimate.
And I don't think it's the worst idea ever.
Larry, there is no worse idea.
David Caruso leaving NYPD Blue was a better idea.
The WNBA is a better idea.
Labradoodles are a better Well, actually, that's a worse idea.
Well, why don't maybe we just take a little Little test run or something? Ew, don't! Get away from me.
You're welcome.